0:00:18 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host for tonight, Andy Parsons.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING ..and welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:00:49 > 0:00:50How we doing? Are we all right?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52CHEERING
0:00:52 > 0:00:56Cos they say, right, that even though we're in a recession,
0:00:56 > 0:01:00they're saying that the sale of alcohol has gone up
0:01:00 > 0:01:02over the last couple of years...
0:01:02 > 0:01:06- Whoo!- ..as have the sale of pies.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11That is the British way to deal with a crisis, isn't it?
0:01:11 > 0:01:16Oh, well, if we're going to be poor, we may as well be fat and pissed.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:25But you could argue there's a lot of people in Britain at the moment
0:01:25 > 0:01:28who have, in fact, got too much money.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29I would personally argue
0:01:29 > 0:01:34anybody who's ever bought the autobiography of the talking meerkat,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Aleksandr Orlov...
0:01:37 > 0:01:39..you have too much money.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Anybody who's ever bought glow-in-the-dark loo roll,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46you have too much money.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Anybody who's ever bought
0:01:47 > 0:01:51a cosy sofa blanket with sleeves, called a Slanket...
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Oh, yes, I've got some guilty people in my audience tonight.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04I would also say that anybody who regularly buys Innocent smoothies.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08How expensive are they?
0:02:10 > 0:02:15£2.49 for a bottle the size of a specimen sample...
0:02:17 > 0:02:19..and they have the cheek to call them Innocent.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25Go to a supermarket, buy a banana.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28It will cost you 20 pence.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Take a big bite, go, mw-mw-mw-mwoo!
0:02:33 > 0:02:37You will just have saved yourself £2.29.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:47So, in the audience tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50we have Ben Brown, Ben Brown from BBC News!
0:02:50 > 0:02:53CHEERING
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Ben, of course, he's been to Chechnya,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58he's been to Iraq,
0:02:58 > 0:03:00he's been to Kosovo, he's been to Afghanistan.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I'm guessing he's not going to sign up
0:03:03 > 0:03:05for a second series of Celebrity Coach Trip.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Obviously, we have been in Afghanistan,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12coming up for ten years.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15And the reason we went into Afghanistan to begin with,
0:03:15 > 0:03:19was we went in with the help of Pakistan to try and find al-Qaeda.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Now it appears that al-Qaeda have in fact, left Afghanistan
0:03:23 > 0:03:25and gone to Pakistan,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28but we can't actually go and find them in Pakistan
0:03:28 > 0:03:30because Pakistan is our friend
0:03:30 > 0:03:33and they're still helping us look for them in Afghanistan.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:42 > 0:03:45The government we're currently supporting in Afghanistan,
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Transparency International,
0:03:46 > 0:03:50they reckon that they are the second most corrupt government in the world,
0:03:50 > 0:03:53second only to Somalia.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Which, of course, doesn't have a government at all.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Somalia is where the pirates are.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02These pirates who say, "We weren't always pirates.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05"We were fishermen, but because we don't have a government,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07"a lot of countries took the piss.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"They came and fished in our waters,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11"so we realised we had to arm ourselves.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14"Then, once we'd armed ourselves,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18"we realised we didn't have to do any fishing, any more."
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Although you're thinking, "They could go back to fishing, couldn't they?"
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Let's face it, I don't think too many people
0:04:24 > 0:04:27are going to be doing too much fishing off the coast of Somalia
0:04:27 > 0:04:29for some time to come.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Although, that is the sort of extreme fishing
0:04:32 > 0:04:36I would love to see Robson Green doing.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38LAUGHTER
0:04:38 > 0:04:40CHEERING
0:04:41 > 0:04:44We'd pay good money, wouldn't we, to see Robson Green
0:04:44 > 0:04:48in a small fishing boat, off the coast of Mogadishu,
0:04:48 > 0:04:52singing at the top of his voice, Unchained Melody?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58But you wonder if some of the things that we've put in place
0:04:58 > 0:04:59to combat terrorism,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01whether these measures are proportional
0:05:01 > 0:05:03to the threat that we actually face.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06The FBI were forced to admit that the Times Square bomber in New York -
0:05:06 > 0:05:08they said he was an amateur -
0:05:08 > 0:05:13the reason was, is he had in fact used non-explosive fertiliser.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Yeah, he hadn't created a bomb -
0:05:15 > 0:05:19he'd basically created a garden in the back of his SUV.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24If he'd been a suicide bomber, he'd have pulled the pin on his jacket
0:05:24 > 0:05:27and a little bit of compost would have trickled down his leg.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31And even in this country,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34we've had a few problems with the police, haven't we?
0:05:34 > 0:05:36They were criticised for the Raoul Moat killing
0:05:36 > 0:05:39because they'd used two tasers on him,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42two tasers that weren't authorised for use.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Turns out, in America, 43 out of 50 states,
0:05:44 > 0:05:46tasers are legal for the police,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48but get this -
0:05:48 > 0:05:50they are also legal for the general public.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Oh, that is incredible, isn't it?
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I'm grateful they're not legal in this country.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Cos let's face it, if you had one you'd be tempted, wouldn't you?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Oh, some yob, riding his bike on the pavement,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05bumps into somebody, taser.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Some bloke jumps the queue in Tesco, taser.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Next door neighbour,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13cat shit in your garden...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15taser.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20God squad knocking on your door, nine o'clock, Sunday morning...
0:06:21 > 0:06:23"Can you see the light?"
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"No, but you're about to!"
0:06:25 > 0:06:26LAUGHTER
0:06:26 > 0:06:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:33 > 0:06:35But things can change very quickly.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39If things are going well, I hope they are, things can change very quickly.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43A lot of people in Britain thought the volcanic ash crisis was bullshit.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Turns out it's a very real phenomenon.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Happened over Indonesia, big ash cloud,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50British Airways flight went through it.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53And basically, there is a transcript
0:06:53 > 0:06:57of what the pilot came on the tannoy and said to the passengers,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59cos all four engines had stopped.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01This is the transcript -
0:07:01 > 0:07:05"Hello, this is your captain speaking.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08"I'm afraid all four engines have stopped.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11"We're doing our damnedest to restart them.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13"I hope you're not in too much distress."
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Imagine you'd been on that flight,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20imagine what would have been going through your head -
0:07:20 > 0:07:21"My goodness me!
0:07:21 > 0:07:24"I wasn't in too much distress until you come on the tannoy!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28"I knew it was quiet but I didn't know why!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31"If you were going to come on the tannoy,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34"the best thing you could have done was just to continuously go..."
0:07:34 > 0:07:38IMITATES SOUND OF AN ENGINE
0:07:45 > 0:07:48We have, ladies and gentlemen, Alan Duncan MP in tonight.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:52 > 0:07:53Well, I have to say,
0:07:53 > 0:07:57I think it's very brave of an MP to turn up.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I'm quite surprised, obviously, that an MP should turn up
0:08:01 > 0:08:03to a gig with free tickets,
0:08:03 > 0:08:07cos it's not like they can even claim it on expenses, is it?
0:08:07 > 0:08:08LAUGHTER
0:08:08 > 0:08:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:15 > 0:08:19It will be, it will be a first for the Hammersmith Apollo, though.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Not the fact that they have an MP in here,
0:08:22 > 0:08:26but it'll be the first time it's been designated as a second home.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Tina Fey, when she was ridiculing Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live,
0:08:35 > 0:08:37they said, "How'd you come up with your material?"
0:08:37 > 0:08:41and she said, "Well, basically I just repeat what Sarah Palin said
0:08:41 > 0:08:43"and people laugh."
0:08:43 > 0:08:46And you're thinking, that's the ultimate, isn't it?
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Getting politicians to write your material for you.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Got to be worth a go.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55We have a Work and Pensions minister called Chris Grayling.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58He recently said, when asked about the benefits cap
0:08:58 > 0:09:00the coalition are thinking of introducing,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03he said, "It won't lead to any homelessness,
0:09:03 > 0:09:08"but it may lead to individual cases of housing mobility."
0:09:08 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:11David Cameron,
0:09:11 > 0:09:15when he was asked about drugs in the Bullingdon Club and rioting,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18he said, "It didn't matter what I got up to at university,
0:09:18 > 0:09:22"I didn't know I was going in to politics."
0:09:22 > 0:09:25And you're thinking, he must have had a reasonable idea,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28because at university he studied politics.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31And Nick Clegg said,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33"I need to say this,
0:09:33 > 0:09:38"you shouldn't trust any government, actually, including this one."
0:09:38 > 0:09:43Now, after the tuition fees, I think he's on fairly safe ground there.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45People saying that the tuition fees
0:09:45 > 0:09:48will lead to a two-tier university system.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50That is, of course, to say
0:09:50 > 0:09:52we don't already have a two-tier university system.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55You can usually tell from the name, can't you?
0:09:55 > 0:09:58If it's a major city followed by the word, 'university,'
0:09:58 > 0:10:00it tends to be top-tier, doesn't it?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Whereas, if it's the name of an area,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04or got the name of a person,
0:10:04 > 0:10:08or the word, 'metropolitan' in it...
0:10:09 > 0:10:11All I'm saying is, you hear somebody is off
0:10:11 > 0:10:15to the West of Cumbria John Brookes Metropolitan University,
0:10:15 > 0:10:20you think there's a fair chance they're doing Media Studies.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:26 > 0:10:32In America, they have the rise of the Christian fundamentalist right
0:10:32 > 0:10:34in the form of the Tea Party
0:10:34 > 0:10:37or as they otherwise like to be known as...Tea-Baggers.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Tea-bagging means something very different over here.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49I can't wait for Sarah Palin to arrive in Britain and go,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51"Hello, I'm a Tea-Bagger."
0:10:57 > 0:10:58Some of you clapping,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01some of you may have to have that one explained to you
0:11:01 > 0:11:02at the end of the show.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09For those of you who don't know much about the Tea Party,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11there is a woman called Christine O'Donnell.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Now, Google her, she is hilarious.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17She is often on Fox TV, comes out with some great statements,
0:11:17 > 0:11:23things like, "Masturbation is sinful and the equivalent of adultery."
0:11:25 > 0:11:27And the thing is, she's actually quite fit.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32So I wonder how many people in America
0:11:32 > 0:11:35are watching her on the telly, cracking one off...
0:11:37 > 0:11:40..and trying to justify it as an act of political rebellion.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43LAUGHTER
0:11:47 > 0:11:50So...it is time for our first act.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Ladies and gents, would you please welcome
0:11:52 > 0:11:55the fantastic, Andrew Lawrence!
0:11:55 > 0:11:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Hi, thank you very much.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13A lovely warm welcome.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15How nice to be here.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Never quite sure how to start one of these gigs, to be honest.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21My agent says, "Andrew, always smile when you walk on stage,
0:12:21 > 0:12:25"because you have got quite a scary face.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28"If you don't smile, Andrew,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31"you look like you're going to physically assault someone."
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I said, "Well, that is true, but sadly if I do smile
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"I look like I'm going to sexually assault someone."
0:12:36 > 0:12:39LAUGHTER
0:12:39 > 0:12:41It's not really any better, is it?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Well done for coming out tonight.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44It's important, isn't it,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47to go out, have a little bit of fun, enjoy life?
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Life is hard.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Some people struggle, don't they?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Some people having a hard time, they can't cope,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55they can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57In many respects, that serves them right.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00If you're in a tunnel and there's no light at the end,
0:13:00 > 0:13:01that's a cave, dickhead!
0:13:01 > 0:13:04LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:14You need to turn around and walk out the same way you came in.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17It's a hard world.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19There's too much rudeness in the world! I had...
0:13:19 > 0:13:22this kid come up to me in the supermarket,
0:13:22 > 0:13:24he's about ten years old, cocky,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27flapping a Bag For Life in my face.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30He said, "Oi, mate, will this bag last for the whole of my life?"
0:13:30 > 0:13:32"I don't know, my little friend.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36"Why don't you put it over your head for three or four minutes?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38"I'm sure we'll find out!"
0:13:40 > 0:13:42There's a lot of rudeness in the world.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46I don't like this word, 'banter' that people use increasingly.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I hear people using the word banter, I don't like it.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50It's a word people use as an excuse
0:13:50 > 0:13:55for behaving in an unacceptable, inappropriate manner, like,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58"Barry, your little boy's just locked himself in the toilet.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"It's his eighth birthday, he's crying his eyes out,
0:14:00 > 0:14:02"what have you said to him?"
0:14:02 > 0:14:03"I told him he was adopted, mate."
0:14:03 > 0:14:05"Why did you do that, Barry?"
0:14:05 > 0:14:06"Just a bit of banter."
0:14:07 > 0:14:11It's not really, it is? It's a singular display of insensitivity,
0:14:11 > 0:14:15a total disregard for the feelings of other people.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"You're contributing nothing to society, Barry,
0:14:17 > 0:14:20"you're bringing no happiness into the world whatsoever.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23"We'd all be better off if you were dead."
0:14:23 > 0:14:25"That's a bit harsh, mate."
0:14:25 > 0:14:27"Not really, Barry, just a bit of banter, isn't it?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29"Just a bit of..."
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Hard world. Too many people, isn't there?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Too many people in the world, I think.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40We're all getting in each other's way, all the time.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41I was in the car the other day,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44there were a load of slow moving cars in front of me,
0:14:44 > 0:14:48I thought, "How is it possible people could be driving this slowly?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"Even if you were just out for a leisurely jaunt,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53"you would still be driving quicker than this.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57"Driving this slowly requires genuine mental effort,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59"physical restraint.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02"They must be doing it on purpose just to aggravate me."
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I'm shouting, I'm angry, I've got my family in the car,
0:15:05 > 0:15:07they're getting upset, like, "Shut up, Andrew,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10"you're ruining granddad's funeral procession!"
0:15:20 > 0:15:21I like being a comedian.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24It's got its perks, like, who's been at work this week?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Give me a cheer - one, two, three...
0:15:26 > 0:15:27- AUDIENCE:- Whey!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Give me a cheer if you get up before seven for work.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Whey!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34And if you get up before six for work.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Whey!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Well, I admire that, you know?
0:15:37 > 0:15:38I admire you people.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42That takes self-discipline, to get up at six every morning for work and I admire it.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I'll be honest with you, I got up at six the other day...
0:15:45 > 0:15:48went for a piss, went back to bed, got up at 11.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54HE GIGGLES
0:15:54 > 0:15:56That's right, applaud my laziness.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Sometimes I set the alarm clock for six, just for a joke.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I'll roll over, have a chuckle, go back to sleep.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Sometimes I put it on snooze, just to tease myself.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11People say, "Andrew, if you never get up before 11,
0:16:11 > 0:16:12"that's a sign of depression."
0:16:12 > 0:16:17"Are you sure? I'll be honest, it makes me feel quite smug and happy."
0:16:18 > 0:16:21You have to get a good night's sleep, don't you? It's important.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I was sharing a bed with a very restless sleeper.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- That's right, I've got a girlfriend, she's real and...- Whoo!
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Patronising, over there.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31She's a very restless sleeper.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34The other night, the middle of the night, she's prodding me,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37shaking me, like, "Psst, Andrew.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40"Psst, Andrew."
0:16:40 > 0:16:43"What? What is it?" "Just going to toilet."
0:16:48 > 0:16:50"Oh, thanks for letting me know.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53"What is it you'd like me to do?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55"You want me to come with you, hold your hand?"
0:16:55 > 0:16:57She goes to toilet, comes back,
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I said, "How was that, was that all right?"
0:16:59 > 0:17:01"Yeah, it was all right, yeah."
0:17:01 > 0:17:04"Did you get rid of everything you need to get rid of?"
0:17:04 > 0:17:05"Yeah."
0:17:05 > 0:17:08"Flush the toilet?" "No."
0:17:09 > 0:17:11"Why not?" "Didn't want to wake you up."
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Who's having an alcoholic beverage tonight? Give me a cheer.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- Whey!- Who's not having an alcoholic beverage? Give me a cheer.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Whey!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I think we know who sounded happier.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Last time I had a night out, I lost my phone.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38That's aggravating, isn't it? I'm CURSED with mobile phones.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41I don't like them, I've never got on with them.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44I still don't really understand the etiquette of text messaging.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46If someone sends you a text message,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49how long can you leave that message without replying,
0:17:49 > 0:17:50without seeming rude?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Depends on the message, doesn't it?
0:17:52 > 0:17:53If it's from an old friend,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56"Hey, Andrew, I haven't seen you in ages, let's catch up,"
0:17:56 > 0:17:59you could probably leave it about a week.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03But if it's from your gran... "I can't get out of the bath!"
0:18:04 > 0:18:06..you probably can't leave that
0:18:06 > 0:18:09more than two or three days, really, can you? You can't.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14Everybody's telling me to get some flashy, expensive mobile phone.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15I don't want one.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17I'm out late at night doing gigs,
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I don't want to carry valuable things around with me...
0:18:19 > 0:18:21in case I get mugged.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22I've got a cheap, rubbish phone.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25That way, if someone comes up to me late at night,
0:18:25 > 0:18:26"Give me your phone, reject!"
0:18:26 > 0:18:30"Certainly, my friend, take it, it's got a two-megapixel camera.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34"Doesn't sound like much, but some people's faces look better blurry."
0:18:35 > 0:18:37"I don't want that rubbish phone."
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"No, take the phone, my friend, it's fully charged!
0:18:40 > 0:18:42"You can get internet on that phone sometimes,
0:18:42 > 0:18:44"if you smack it against a hard surface."
0:18:44 > 0:18:47"I don't want that rubbish phone!"
0:18:47 > 0:18:49"I don't want it either!"
0:18:49 > 0:18:51"It's your phone."
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"I don't want it." "Well, throw it away."
0:18:53 > 0:18:57"You can't throw it away, you've got to recycle these things.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58"You put it in a little bag,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00"you send it to Oxfam,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03"Oxfam put it in a box, they send it halfway around the world
0:19:03 > 0:19:05"to starving people in Africa,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08"starving people in Africa open the box, they say,"
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- AFRICAN ACCENT: - "What the hell is this?"
0:19:11 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER
0:19:15 > 0:19:18"I don't want this crappy phone.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25"I thought this box would have a cake in it.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29"This is a bad day for me.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34"What is this text message?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37" 'Gran: I can't get out of the bath.' "
0:19:37 > 0:19:39LAUGHTER
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a privilege tonight.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Thank you very much, have a wonderful evening, good night!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Andrew Lawrence!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...
0:20:02 > 0:20:06the master of the one-liner, Mr Milton Jones!
0:20:06 > 0:20:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:28 > 0:20:30So, good evening!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33CHEERING
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Somewhere...
0:20:35 > 0:20:37between murder...
0:20:39 > 0:20:40..and suicide...
0:20:42 > 0:20:44..there is a place called...
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Merseyside.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48LAUGHTER
0:20:48 > 0:20:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Tell me, does anyone here own a cat?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:21:01 > 0:21:02Your houses stink.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Someone's got to tell 'em.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Some people like cats, some don't.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30I was reading the other day, apparently the Pope...
0:21:30 > 0:21:31he's a cataholic.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49Catholic.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04They said about me, that I was too immature to be a father,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07but when I saw the first few seconds of my son's life,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- I thought to myself... - HE LAUGHS
0:22:11 > 0:22:12.."He's naked!"
0:22:18 > 0:22:21When my daughter was born she had jaundice,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23so there she was - small, round and...yellow.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26We called her Melanie.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER
0:22:39 > 0:22:41My parents came up last weekend,
0:22:41 > 0:22:43cos I keep them in the cellar.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49That's not true!
0:22:51 > 0:22:52I don't know who they are.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02My grandparents, their names are Pearl and Dean.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Of course, we just know them as
0:23:05 > 0:23:10gran and grandpapa, papa, papa, papa, papa, papa, papa, papa.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Any students here?
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Whoo!
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Your houses stink.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Someone's got to tell 'em.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I worked as a doctor for the World Health Organisation.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45I didn't mean to, I thought I was auditioning for Doctor Who.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56So, sisters, you know you really like that song, It's Raining Men?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Is that cos you really love men?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Or you love the idea of them all
0:24:00 > 0:24:04falling out of the sky, going splat on the ground really hard?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- Whoo!- Maybe it's cos you like the idea of them
0:24:07 > 0:24:09going splat on the ground really hard -
0:24:09 > 0:24:11is that cos you really hate men?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Or you love the idea of cleaning up?
0:24:14 > 0:24:17LAUGHTER
0:24:17 > 0:24:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Recently on a flight to America, all the way across my wife was going,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30"Why don't you get an upgrade?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32"Why don't you get an upgrade?"
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Took a bit of time, but in the end I got a better wife.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43In America, you can be who you want to be.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46In fact, taxi drivers meet you at the airport
0:24:46 > 0:24:48with suggestions on pieces of card.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I decided to be Professor Aaron Leibowitz.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07I was whisked across town to address a conference on clinical psychology.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Briefly.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15When I was in America, I really got into the culture.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I went into the shop and a guy said, "Have a nice day!"
0:25:18 > 0:25:20and I didn't, so I sued him.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25During the course of conversation,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28he said the phrase, "Well, you do the math."
0:25:29 > 0:25:33I said, "Don't you mean, 'You do the maths?'
0:25:33 > 0:25:35"That word is five letters not four."
0:25:35 > 0:25:38He said, "What's the difference?" I said, "One."
0:25:43 > 0:25:45"You do the math...
0:25:46 > 0:25:49"..s."
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Got on a train to Newcastle the other day.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57A guard came on and said,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- GEORDIE ACCENT: - "When we arrive, it will be 1938."
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Time travel!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14We were a bit late, though, we arrived in the mid '70s.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Anyone here from up north?
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Whoo!
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Your houses stink.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27LAUGHTER
0:26:27 > 0:26:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Can't believe you fell for that.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Those reward cards are rubbish, aren't they?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I got too many points on one of them and now I'm not allowed to drive.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Well, it's nice to have been here.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Some of us have been able to share our joy by laughing out loud.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00Like that.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01LAUGHTER
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Others by staring.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08To be fair, one or two of you have been smirking.
0:27:08 > 0:27:13Well, enjoy that while you can, cos they've banned smoking and smacking.
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Any aromatherapists here?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21TWO AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER
0:27:21 > 0:27:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Shame, I had something for that.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40I've just come back from Ireland.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Whoo!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43It's great to be back.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Went into a pub there, no-one would talk to me,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50the beer was flat and they'd just stopped serving food.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Anyway, it turns out it was one of those English theme pubs.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02That's all from me. Thank you very much. Good night!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Please give it up for the two acts you've seen tonight -
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Andrew Lawrence...
0:28:22 > 0:28:24CHEERING
0:28:24 > 0:28:26..Milton Jones.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29CHEERING
0:28:29 > 0:28:30I've been Andy Parsons.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Thank you very much. Good night.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:57 > 0:29:00E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk