0:00:19 > 0:00:25Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Rich Hall.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:39 > 0:00:40Yeah!
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Hello!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Oh! Look at it!
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I can already see it on your faces -
0:00:47 > 0:00:50"Oh, great. An American hosting the show.
0:00:50 > 0:00:55"Is there no end to what these assholes will try to pull off next?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58"Is he capable? Can he pull it off?"
0:00:58 > 0:01:00You're damned right I can!
0:01:00 > 0:01:01CHEERING
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live at the Apollo.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Comedy's important, ladies and gentlemen. Don't for a second...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I know a lot of people, Americans are always,
0:01:19 > 0:01:22"Hey Rich, I hear those Londoners have a dry sense of humour."
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Oh, yeah? They're pretty wet right now.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27They don't have a dry sense of humour at all.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30What they have is a sense of humour, you understand?
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Americans love to laugh. There's a difference between a sense of humour
0:01:33 > 0:01:35and the ability to laugh.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38That's why I'm in London, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Where you put up with shit every day of your life.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Is there not a day you don't wake up in London and say,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49"What kind of shit is going to befall me today?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52"What will happen that I didn't see coming in a million years?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55"Look, there's a homeless guy urinating into a bottle
0:01:55 > 0:01:57"and cleaning the windscreen with a lettuce.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"Well, I didn't see that coming."
0:01:59 > 0:02:01That's London.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I love doing comedy in Britain. It's that simple?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10I never thought that I'd be standing on this stage and telling you
0:02:10 > 0:02:12that our president, our wonderful president,
0:02:12 > 0:02:16who the world loves but Americans are like "Hey, what's going on?"
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Don't know what will happen for him or not.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Turns out the audacity of hope wasn't what we were looking for.
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Can't run four years as president on the audacity of hope,
0:02:26 > 0:02:28cos hope is a bit desperate, isn't it?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30It's not an economic policy, it's just hope.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Hope is right below wishful thinking and above performing a rain dance,
0:02:34 > 0:02:35on the scale of activity.
0:02:35 > 0:02:36LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Hope is what you want the weather to be tomorrow.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Consequently we have what you've obviously heard of before - the Tea Party,
0:02:44 > 0:02:50which is the biggest bunch of Bible bashing, tub-thumping, foot-washing fundamentalist freaks.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53If Satan were to hold a Tupperware party...
0:02:53 > 0:02:57the Tea Party candidates would be demonstrating the products,
0:02:57 > 0:02:58that's what they are.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Last month, in the course of 24 hours,
0:03:01 > 0:03:07two different Tea Party candidates both announced that God had told them to run for president.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09God!
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Who in 2000 years has appointed one saviour of mankind,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16within one week appointed two different dip-wits
0:03:16 > 0:03:18to run for presidents of the United States.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Sarah Palin probably gets the most press
0:03:30 > 0:03:32because she's the best marksman.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39All the Tea Party candidates claim that they speak for the average Joe
0:03:39 > 0:03:43in America, just the normal guy, the normal struggling, average Joe.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45First of all, Sarah, you live in Alaska.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48There's no-one normal in Alaska.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Alaska's full of people running from the Drug Enforcement Agency
0:03:51 > 0:03:55and people who hate humans so much, they thought Montana was too crowded
0:03:55 > 0:03:57and went to Alaska to touch moose.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59That's who's in Alaska.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00You're not normal!
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Sarah Palin says on a TV show, she's been interviewed,
0:04:04 > 0:04:08"It's perfectly normal in Alaska to open up your front door and see a grizzly bear."
0:04:08 > 0:04:10No, it's not!
0:04:10 > 0:04:11LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:15It's perfectly normal to look out the front door and see
0:04:15 > 0:04:19a 12-foot carnivore chowing down on the family dog like the last leg in a bucket of KFC.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Yep, see that every day.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26It's not normal to build your house with a carnivore room, for crying out loud!
0:04:26 > 0:04:29She was asked, "What did you do when you saw a grizzly bear?"
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"He was too cute, I couldn't shoot him."
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Again - wrong.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37If you think bears are cute, wait till you meet terrorists, they're adorable.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Don't screw with the bears! That's my message.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Bears want to eat you, even the little ones.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Don't give your kid a teddy bear, it's sending the wrong message.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52"Well, Yogi and Boo-boo are cute."
0:04:52 > 0:04:55No. Ever look at Yogi? You know what he's wearing?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57A hat, a tie, a shirt. Where did he get that from?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I'll tell you where - a victim, that's where!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04He's parading with the shirt as a kind of trophy,
0:05:04 > 0:05:08reliving every moment when he ripped them to shreds. It's not right.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12So after two years, she decides she doesn't want to be governor of Alaska anymore,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15and she goes off on a whirlwind trip around the world
0:05:15 > 0:05:18to study foreign policy. She goes to Israel.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21As if the Jews haven't suffered enough.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Touches the Wailing Wall and runs away.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Then she goes to New York, where they're building a mosque,
0:05:28 > 0:05:32and she looks at it and she says, "Muslims need to refudiate this mosque".
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Even Muslims are going,
0:05:34 > 0:05:37"I don't think that's a word in anyone's language, Sarah.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39"Did you just say 'refudiate'?"
0:05:39 > 0:05:40"Yeah, refudiate..."
0:05:40 > 0:05:44"No, you mean refute or repudiate, not refudiate the mosque",
0:05:44 > 0:05:46But it's not a word!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49She says, "Shakespeare made up words, why can't I?"
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Cos Shakespeare was a Renaissance genius
0:05:52 > 0:05:55and you're a dip-shit from Alaska! All right?
0:05:55 > 0:05:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:58 > 0:06:00You can't just make up words!
0:06:00 > 0:06:04I read her biography, I want to be refundiated!
0:06:04 > 0:06:05LAUGHTER
0:06:07 > 0:06:11So, you know, to sum it up, ladies and gentlemen,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13because people always ask me,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15"Rich, is it really better in Britain for comedy?"
0:06:15 > 0:06:18And I think it is. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I'm just telling you, it's better.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24It's a better place, right, cos you do, you have a sense of humour.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25That's why you came out tonight.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Oh, he's prodding us up for the kill! No!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35I'm serious, cos listen, you know,
0:06:35 > 0:06:38in America we don't have this whole kind of...
0:06:38 > 0:06:41this broken society thing, you know, and you can be...
0:06:41 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER
0:06:42 > 0:06:45That came out completely wrong, didn't it,
0:06:45 > 0:06:49I'm just quoting something that I see in the papers, "broken society".
0:06:49 > 0:06:52I don't even know what the hell that means. Is society broken, fella?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54You feel your society's broken?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56A little bit?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00Well, that's not broken, that's just damaged, isn't it?
0:07:00 > 0:07:01LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Where are you from?
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Twickenham.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Twickenham? Well, no more questions, your honour.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Get back to your rugby. What do you do in Twickenham?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14I'm a teacher.
0:07:14 > 0:07:15A teacher?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17See? This man's not interested in broken society,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20he's interested in making children's futures better.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22That is so much better than what I do. I just tell jokes.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25What do you learn from that?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Nothing. The world is evil and I can't fix it.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Not a faith healer, am I.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Tell you what I've learned, ladies and gentlemen,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36from watching idiots like Gaddafi.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I say idiot - basically the man was a dictator,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40and he only made himself Colonel.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42What does that tell you?
0:07:42 > 0:07:43LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:53In America, if you can put chicken in a bucket, you're a colonel!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57But I'll tell you what I've learned. What's your name?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Peter?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02All right, Peter, I have learned from watching these tyrants
0:08:02 > 0:08:06that maybe the term "human shield" is not being used to its best advantage.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08It's usually used in a negative light.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13But I've found as a comedian, quite often when you hit these situations,
0:08:13 > 0:08:16where people have been here a while, you're about to hit a wall,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18people are getting hot, tired and restless,
0:08:18 > 0:08:22that's where the human shield comes into play, do you understand? Peter?
0:08:22 > 0:08:26I'll tell you what I mean, all right? Get over here.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Get over here, Peter. Over here.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30You don't have a choice, Peter.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:34 > 0:08:38You are my human shield, friend. March right up here.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40There's some people here who want to hurt me
0:08:40 > 0:08:43and I'll be right behind you the whole time.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47of turn this way so I get...yeah, broader target, there you go.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Do you have a sweetheart, Peter?
0:08:50 > 0:08:51Yeah, my girlfriend.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Can you say that with a bit more world weariness?
0:08:54 > 0:08:57All right, Peter, there you go, you take the mic.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01I just want you to read what I've prepared for you.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Say it right, no-one gets hurt. You understand what I'm saying?
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Pretend your girlfriend's not here and you're having to phone home.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Take the mic. Watch the technique.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Hello, no, everything's fine.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18It's just that I'm going to be a little late getting home. Why?
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I've run into a little situation here at the Apollo.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Rich Hall? Yes. He's a very funny man.
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Well, he's currently using me as a human shield.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Isn't that wild (!)
0:09:32 > 0:09:33LAUGHTER
0:09:33 > 0:09:38Who would ever have thought that "your name" would ever find myself here on stage?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:45 > 0:09:48You should've prepared it better. It would've said "Peter" already.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50All right.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:09:56 > 0:10:00I, Peter, would find myself on stage as Rich Hall's hostage
0:10:00 > 0:10:02leading the audience in a rousing sing-a-long.
0:10:02 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Who doesn't love the late John Denver sing-a-long, everyone?
0:10:11 > 0:10:12CHEERING
0:10:23 > 0:10:24# Almost heaven... #
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I don't know the song.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28# West Virginia
0:10:34 > 0:10:36# Blue Ridge mountains
0:10:37 > 0:10:40# Shenandoah River
0:10:43 > 0:10:44# Life is older
0:10:46 > 0:10:48# Older than the trees
0:10:48 > 0:10:51# Younger than the mountains
0:10:53 > 0:10:55# Rolling like the breeze
0:10:58 > 0:10:59# Country roads
0:11:01 > 0:11:02# Take me home
0:11:02 > 0:11:04AUDIENCE SINGS CORRECT TUNE
0:11:04 > 0:11:06# Sing you bastards
0:11:06 > 0:11:08AUDIENCE CLAP IN TIME
0:11:09 > 0:11:11# To the place I belong
0:11:13 > 0:11:14# West Virginia
0:11:14 > 0:11:17# Mountain mama
0:11:19 > 0:11:21# Take me home
0:11:21 > 0:11:24# Down country roads. #
0:11:24 > 0:11:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:26 > 0:11:28Good night, everybody.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51Let's hear it for Peter the hostage, ladies and gentlemen!
0:11:51 > 0:11:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:52 > 0:11:56Ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a real treat tonight.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00We have two, TWO, fantastic performers on the show.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Please, ladies and gentlemen,
0:12:03 > 0:12:08you're about to enjoy yourselves like you've never enjoyed yourselves before.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Please welcome, Mr Mark Watson.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:23 > 0:12:24Hello.
0:12:26 > 0:12:27Hello.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Yeah. Yeah!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:12:38 > 0:12:41It's very generous of you,
0:12:41 > 0:12:45but deep down, we all know it's impossible to follow Peter.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46LAUGHTER
0:12:53 > 0:12:56There are times in your career where you see the person before you
0:12:56 > 0:12:59and think "There's nothing I can do here".
0:12:59 > 0:13:02To sing Country Roads as movingly
0:13:02 > 0:13:05and with as little respect for the original as that...
0:13:08 > 0:13:12And I'm just back stage waiting to come on thinking, it'll be fine.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I'll do my best, I'm a comedian.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18I'm not the greatest comedian in the world, but by God, I'll give it a good go.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20The only thing I would be worried about is
0:13:20 > 0:13:23if I had to follow an avant-garde musical genius.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:27I mean, what can you do?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I'm going to be periodically drinking water,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33very important to hydrate yourself.
0:13:33 > 0:13:38I tend to sort of gabble on and you don't allow yourself time to...
0:13:38 > 0:13:41The reason I don't normally have a bottle of water on stage
0:13:41 > 0:13:45is cos you get so easily distracted by the unbelievable crap they write on these bottles.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48If you look at one of these labels, it's unbelievable.
0:13:48 > 0:13:53"The water you're holding has been naturally filtered through ancient rock for 5,000 years".
0:13:53 > 0:13:58Ancient rock as opposed to modern rocks that you find these days.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"This is a stunning rock formation".
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Yeah, they put it up in the '60s.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06And then there's always a little bit about how important water is.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10You only ever find these statistics on bottles of water, conveniently.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12"Did you know your body's 80% water,
0:14:12 > 0:14:15so it's very important to drink as much water as you can."
0:14:15 > 0:14:20As much water as you can! If they had their way I'd be drinking water solidly basically.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21"It improves brain function".
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I think this is probably bollocks, don't you?
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Your body's 80% wat... You are four fifths water.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32I find that a bit suspect really. Four fifths of you is water?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35If that's true then we're all just basically paddling pools with eyes.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I find that a bit hard to swallow,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40but also if it's true, if I am 80% water,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43why am I buying these expensively branded bottles?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Why can't I just suck myself...anyway...
0:14:46 > 0:14:47LAUGHTER
0:14:47 > 0:14:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Yeah, I...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I didn't really want to see that thought through, because I was aware
0:14:57 > 0:14:59it was obviously going in a coarse direction,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02but sometimes you just start saying something
0:15:02 > 0:15:04and that's it, it's all over, ah.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08A lot of people say, "I could never do stand up comedy, it'd be my worse nightmare".
0:15:08 > 0:15:12You hear this quite a lot, "Oh, that'd be my worst nightmare".
0:15:12 > 0:15:15In a way, it just shows you how limited people's nightmares must be.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19This is just talking, you must have something worse in the bowels of your subconscious.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23I had a nightmare, I was having the shit kicked out of me by Nelson Mandela,
0:15:23 > 0:15:27like proper stuff, fingers in my eyes, knee in the balls -
0:15:27 > 0:15:31surprisingly athletic for an 80-year-old man - pulling my hair, all the dirty tricks.
0:15:31 > 0:15:38You want to punch him back, you can't, it's Mandela, you'd be a racist - THAT'S a nightmare!
0:15:43 > 0:15:47It's just the world we live in. It's an aggressive bloody world, isn't it?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I'm a relatively simple person, I don't want much out of life,
0:15:50 > 0:15:54but even the simplest things are hard to accomplish.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58For example, I went out recently on a shopping expedition to buy one carrot, right,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00that was all I wanted, a single carrot.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03My wife was cooking... She wasn't just cooking that,
0:16:03 > 0:16:07she had a recipe of which that was a component,
0:16:07 > 0:16:11she wasn't just going to cook the carrot, "There you are", like an ice lolly...
0:16:11 > 0:16:12She does most of the cooking -
0:16:12 > 0:16:15I'm aware some people are thinking, "I doubt he's got a wife" -
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I bloody have, no time to prove it,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20but just take my word for it, there we are, I have a...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I own a...woman, so...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27You can't say that these days, can you?!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Anyway, so to get onto more politically-correct ground,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33my wife does all the cooking... It's actually true,
0:16:33 > 0:16:37I pretty much let my wife cook, purely because it's a sensible distribution of skills.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40My wife is a good cook and I'm very poor at it.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42I'm happy with my role, which is basically,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46you know, just foraging, but I went to buy this one... I say foraging,
0:16:46 > 0:16:50it's very much that - normally, if you go to Tesco, you will lay your hands on a carrot,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52no real jeopardy there.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Still, I like to pick it up and go, "Got it!" You know?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57But actually, this is my point,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00it was surprisingly hard to buy a bloody carrot, right -
0:17:00 > 0:17:04I took it to the till, this is ALL I was buying, one carrot -
0:17:04 > 0:17:07first of all, this lady tried to put it in a bag for me,
0:17:07 > 0:17:11and I always try to not take a bag if I don't need one for environmental reasons,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14but they're furious. You'll have tried doing this,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17if you say, "I don't need a bag", they look at you like, "How dare you?
0:17:17 > 0:17:21"How dare you?" This woman was... She said, "What are you going to do?"
0:17:21 > 0:17:23And I said, "Well, I don't want to appear cocky here,
0:17:23 > 0:17:27"but I've got two hands, there's only one carrot,
0:17:27 > 0:17:28"I think I will nail this.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32"I'm almost certain I'll get this home by hook or by crook".
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Because what am I going to do?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Just walk around with one carrot in a bag?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38"I've got my carrot in a bag!"
0:17:38 > 0:17:40"How was your day?"
0:17:40 > 0:17:45"Yeah, great, just walking with my carrot in its bag!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48"I've got a piece of celery at home in a bit of Tupperware, too".
0:17:48 > 0:17:52I don't want to make out I'm someone with a repertoire of vegetables that I walk...
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Anyway, then there's a receipt,
0:17:54 > 0:18:00she insisted on printing out a bloody receipt which meant the till roll had to be changed -
0:18:00 > 0:18:01why?!
0:18:01 > 0:18:03Why do you need a receipt for this transaction?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06All I'm buying is a single carrot, why would you ever need a receipt?!
0:18:06 > 0:18:10You're not going to bite into it and think, "Hang on, this is a pear".
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Right, basically, buying a carrot can't go that badly wrong.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17So by now, I'm really impa... I was frothing with impatience,
0:18:17 > 0:18:21I wanted to get home, see my wife, whether she exists or not,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25and finally, just when I thought I had finally secured this carrot,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28as I was walking out, this girl was like, "Excuse me,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30" before you go" - so now I have to listen - I said, "Yes?"
0:18:30 > 0:18:34She said, "Did you want to pre-order the Harry Potter DVD?"
0:18:34 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Now, what part of my actions so far would give you that impression?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I was trying to be polite, I said, "Sorry?"
0:18:43 > 0:18:45So by now, SHE'S impatient like I'm sort of idiot,
0:18:45 > 0:18:49"Did you want to pre-order the Harry Potter DVD?"
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I mean, no, not really, my aim was to buy a carrot
0:18:52 > 0:18:56and I would say I've achieved that modest end.
0:18:56 > 0:19:02I mean, if I wanted to buy a Harry Potter DVD, what I'd probably do is go somewhere like HMV, for example,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I'd go to a place where you could buy DVDs, I'd pre-order it,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07when the time came I would collect it,
0:19:07 > 0:19:12I'd take it home and I'd watch it - I wouldn't approach this transaction by going to a supermarket,
0:19:12 > 0:19:17seizing a carrot from the fruit and veg bit, and then standing there at the checkout thinking,
0:19:17 > 0:19:21"She knows what I really want here, she'll gather my true intentions.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24"She knows that this carrot is a metaphor for an orange wand"!
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Is this what supermarket shopping is meant to be?
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Some sort of guessing game?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32"I'd like ten Lucky Strikes, please" -
0:19:32 > 0:19:34"Shrek 2, I'll just see if we've got it in".
0:19:34 > 0:19:38- But thanks very much, you've been a lovely crowd. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:38 > 0:19:41My name's Mark Watson, see you again! Bye, thank you, bye!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Mark Watson!
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Mark Watson, ladies and gentlemen!
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for one more comedian? CHEERING
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Absolutely fantastic, one of my favourite performers -
0:20:01 > 0:20:03ladies and gentlemen,
0:20:03 > 0:20:08would you please welcome Andrew Maxwell!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Hooray!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23HE LAUGHS
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Good evening, The Apollo!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Are you feeling OK?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35God, it's hot in this country, isn't it, though?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- It's hot, are you feeling hot? - CHEERING
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Oh, it's hot,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42God, it's hot.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Compared to Ireland, it's very, very hot.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Has anybody here ever experienced an Irish summer?
0:20:49 > 0:20:50CHEERING
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Oh, my God, what an August we can offer the world, people!
0:20:54 > 0:20:5720 degrees!
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Every day!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Granted, it's not a great tourism slogan -
0:21:02 > 0:21:05"Come to Ireland, it's room temperature"!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Do we have any English people here?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14CHEERING
0:21:14 > 0:21:15We have got English people.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19I want you to know, on behalf of all the Irish people in the room,
0:21:19 > 0:21:21and all the Irish people watching this at home,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I want you to know you're totally forgiven.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:29You're forgiven, English people, we no longer hate you.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31It's in the past, it's over.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36You're forgiven, we don't hate you any more...
0:21:36 > 0:21:38We can't afford to hate you.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40LAUGHTER
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Aaah...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Who knew hatred was a luxury item?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Any Muslim people here?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50I was just wondering,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52because this is the thing I've been getting recently,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55when I've been asking, "Is there any Muslims in?",
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I'm getting pissed-up geezers saying yes.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02I did a gig in Bethnal Green about a year ago, I went, "Is there any Muslims in?"
0:22:02 > 0:22:07This dude stands up, shaved head, fat neck, Ben Sherman,
0:22:07 > 0:22:10it was the most unlikely Muslim in the world.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12LAUGHTER
0:22:12 > 0:22:15This man looked like he was entirely made of sausage.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21He stands up, he stands up in the middle of the audience,
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I went, "Is there any Muslims in?"
0:22:23 > 0:22:27He stands up, lifts up his pint of Stella and just went, "Yeah!"
0:22:29 > 0:22:33"What? You're a Muslim?" He went, "Yeah! Why not?"
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Fair enough, I know that's how you join.
0:22:40 > 0:22:45I thought there and then, maybe that is the solution to the old Islamic panic in the British media,
0:22:45 > 0:22:47an all-cockney mosque.
0:22:47 > 0:22:53Now THERE'S a mosque the Daily Mail would find hard to complain about being built.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Oh, you can see it now, can't you?
0:22:57 > 0:23:01The call to prayer from the top of the geezer minaret in the Cockney mosque...
0:23:05 > 0:23:17..Oi-oooooooooiii!
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Want some!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Ah, every Friday evening at the Cockney mosque,
0:23:28 > 0:23:32neat rows of white Reebok classic down the street.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37ANDREW MAXWELL CHUCKLES
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Probably the most inspiring thing of the year has definitely been the Arab Spring.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43It's been incredible,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I mean, it's gotten better in some places than others.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49The worst thing for me is that Tony Blair's back on TV -
0:23:49 > 0:23:53ooh, I really don't like that sun-kissed hustler.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Do you know he's brought out an autobiography?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59How bad taste is that?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02While we're still stuck in the two wars that he started
0:24:02 > 0:24:06so he could curry favour with the American industrial-military complex,
0:24:06 > 0:24:10so he could see out the rest of his sunny life on golf courses in Florida, yeah?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12There we are, he's brought out an autobiography,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- HE IMPERSONATES TONY BLAIR: - You know, Tony Blair, my journey,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19you know, just in case people want to see it from Tony's perspective.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Not really. Not really, Tone.
0:24:28 > 0:24:33What other bad taste bits of merchandise have you got up your sleeve there, Tony?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35A fragrance?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40"Tony Blair, denial".
0:24:50 > 0:24:52You never know what will offend people.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54I hope I haven't offended anybody?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56You don't know.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00You can talk about whatever you want on stage, nobody gives a toss,
0:25:00 > 0:25:06but you talk about cats, don't talk about cats on TV, you know,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09even if it's a funny thing about cats,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11like cat in the bin, remember that?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18There was a week of cat in the bin - a week! -
0:25:18 > 0:25:21of a cat going into a bin!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24You remember the first time you saw that horrific,
0:25:24 > 0:25:28horrific footage of the cat going into the bin?
0:25:30 > 0:25:34I know, live it with me, brothers and sisters.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Is it just me, or was your first reaction,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39"Why...
0:25:39 > 0:25:43"is Susan Boyle...
0:25:43 > 0:25:45"putting a cat in the bin?"
0:25:45 > 0:25:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:50 > 0:25:51It was going on.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Genuinely, my first reaction when I saw the cat go in -
0:25:54 > 0:25:57I've become such an environmental idiot as I've got older -
0:25:57 > 0:26:02genuinely, my first reaction when I saw the cat go into the bin was, "Oh, God, no, wrong bin...
0:26:04 > 0:26:07"..a cat is 100% recyclable".
0:26:11 > 0:26:16You never know, man, I love the news, and the tabloids.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19I love the tabloids, man, but aren't they creepy?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Oh, you better believe they are, here's a classic example -
0:26:22 > 0:26:27the Middletons, Kate and Pippa, right?
0:26:27 > 0:26:31They must have been raised in pretty much the same upbringing, right?
0:26:31 > 0:26:33They've got to be pretty similar women.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Not in the tabloids, they're not!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37I feel sorry for Pippa, do you?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Because all the filth is on her, isn't it?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Because the tabloids can't say anything untoward about Kate,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44not the future Queen of England.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- IN QUEEN'S ENGLISH:- "Oh, here she comes, lovely, lovely Kate,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50"oh, lovely, lovely Kate, here she comes,
0:26:50 > 0:26:54"Duchess of Cambridge, future Queen of England, here she is..."
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- HE SINGS:- # Aaah... #
0:26:57 > 0:27:00"..handing out coins to the immigrant children."
0:27:00 > 0:27:02# Aaah... #
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- IN COCKNEY ACCENT: - "Look at filthy Pippa!
0:27:06 > 0:27:10"Urrrgh, you filthy cow!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13"Who brings an arse to a wedding?!"
0:27:18 > 0:27:21# Aaah... #
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Lovely, lovely Kate,
0:27:23 > 0:27:27# Aah... # ..healing the poor with her eyes...
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# Aah... #
0:27:29 > 0:27:36Look at filthy Pippa! Down the docks with a bell, ding-ding!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Come and get it, boys,
0:27:39 > 0:27:40come on!
0:27:40 > 0:27:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:47 > 0:27:51People, you've been an absolute delight.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Thank you Apollo, good night.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Andrew Maxwell, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Andrew Maxwell!
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out tonight.
0:28:13 > 0:28:20We hope you've had a wonderful time - one more hand please for Mr Andrew Maxwell and Mark Watson.
0:28:20 > 0:28:24Thanks for coming, good night!
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:48 > 0:28:50E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk