0:00:18 > 0:00:20'Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:24'please welcome your host for tonight, Sarah Millican!'
0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# Do it like a lady
0:00:31 > 0:00:33# Do it like a lady
0:00:35 > 0:00:37- # Do it like a lady. # - Hello.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Hello.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Thank you very much for coming. Welcome to Live At The Apollo!
0:00:45 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52It was lovely the way I was introduced there.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55It's a really nice thing to get used to in a new job
0:00:55 > 0:00:59when somebody says your name and people clap and cheer.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03It's lovely! It was a little bit weird at the doctor's the other day.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05LAUGHTER
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Cos nobody clapped.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Every time I said "clap", they thought that's what I had.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12LAUGHTER
0:01:12 > 0:01:15But I decided, a lot of people do this in January...
0:01:15 > 0:01:18I decided in January to try to sort of better myself.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I'm not bothered about losing weight, but I like the idea of getting fit,
0:01:21 > 0:01:24so I thought I'd get myself an exercise DVD.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28You know when your partner goes shopping and asks, "Do you want anything?"
0:01:28 > 0:01:32and you're supposed to say, "No", but instead you give them a list?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I love doing that.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39Sometimes I make shit up I don't even need just to see his face.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41And he looks at the list and he goes,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44"What's the difference between a tangerine and a satsuma?"
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Ha-ha! It's a test!
0:01:46 > 0:01:50And I said to him, "Could you get us an exercise DVD?"
0:01:50 > 0:01:52That's what I thought I'd do, get an exercise DVD.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I said, "Just get a bog-standard, like a beginner's guide,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58"a very basic exercise DVD."
0:01:58 > 0:02:02And he said, "No problem." He came home with Davina's Buff Your Abs.
0:02:03 > 0:02:07I'll have to lose three stone before I can find me bloody abs.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11I swapped it for the one that I wanted,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13which was, you know, just Fat Lass Has A Go. You know.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Or the sequel, Fat Lass Tries Again.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:28I watched the first few minutes.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30It's always a celebrity and a trainer.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33A celebrity sells the DVDs and the trainer knows what they're doing.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36In the first few minutes, they were laughing at nothing.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38It was very unnerving.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40And the trainer said to the celebrity...
0:02:40 > 0:02:41SHE LAUGHS
0:02:43 > 0:02:45"Why don't you tell the viewers at home
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"what weight you were when you started this regime?"
0:02:48 > 0:02:50And the celebrity went...
0:02:50 > 0:02:52SHE LAUGHS
0:02:52 > 0:02:56"When I started this regime, I was 10 stone."
0:02:56 > 0:02:58LAUGHTER
0:03:01 > 0:03:05I realised then that I'm aiming for her start weight.
0:03:05 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:12But I like to eat. Is that so bad? I like to eat.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Sometimes I think I've got a tapeworm, but that it's just full.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16LAUGHTER
0:03:19 > 0:03:23I'm trying to eat more healthily. I had an apple the other day.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33I put it in me handbag on an optimistic Monday.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37And by the Thursday, there weren't any KitKats left.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41And I was starving. I thought, I'm gonna have to find it.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45So I rooted around in me handbag and I found it.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47It was prematurely bruised and battered.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49It had pen on it.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER
0:03:54 > 0:03:59But I was starving. So I peeled off the clean panty liner and I ate it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00GROANING
0:04:02 > 0:04:04APPLAUSE
0:04:07 > 0:04:09And it was all right. It was all right.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12It reminded me of something I'd had years ago that I liked.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16I was like, "What does it remind me of?" Toffee apples.
0:04:16 > 0:04:17LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And we've got some recognisable faces in.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25We've got Olympic medallist, Colin Jackson in!
0:04:25 > 0:04:27APPLAUSE
0:04:30 > 0:04:35Hello, love! So, Colin Jackson, you've got a safety net.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37If things ever get tight money-wise,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39you can just take your medals to Cash4Gold.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:45And we've got lovely Alex and Matt from The One Show!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47APPLAUSE
0:04:49 > 0:04:52You guys are on Twitter, aren't you? I like Twitter.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- Cheer if you're on Twitter. - CHEERING
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Loads of you. I like it, but it can sometimes be a little bit weird, can't it?
0:04:58 > 0:05:02I got a message from a fella a few weeks ago and he said,
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"I've got a bit of spare time on me hands
0:05:04 > 0:05:10"and I don't know whether to watch some porn...or you."
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- LAUGHTER - Yeah!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14- SHE LAUGHS - He's in!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:18That struck me as being a little bit odd.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I don't know much about porn,
0:05:20 > 0:05:22but from what I can gather, it's fantasy, isn't it?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25It's supposed to be unachievable things.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Like having sex with two women at the same time.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- Or one. Er... - LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:32He's fine, he's fine.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38But I put myself firmly in the bracket of "achievable."
0:05:38 > 0:05:40LAUGHTER
0:05:40 > 0:05:42By that laughter, so do you, you shits!
0:05:42 > 0:05:43LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:47So that man's fantasy is a middle-aged,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50slightly-overweight woman who witters on.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Just wander around ASDA. there's hundreds of me!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56LAUGHTER
0:05:56 > 0:06:00Look along at the end of your sofa. You might be married to one of me.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:07But I live alone. Give us a cheer if you live alone.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09CHEERING
0:06:09 > 0:06:11A few of you. You sound very happy about it. Well done.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Something you might not know, people who live on their own,
0:06:14 > 0:06:18is that you can still have breakfast in bed if you live on your own.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Listen up, bitches.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:24If I want breakfast in bed, what I do before I go to bed
0:06:24 > 0:06:26is I put a Twix on the bedside cabinet.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:38And then when I wake up the next day, as me eyes are focusing,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41I think, "There's a bloody Twix just there!"
0:06:41 > 0:06:42LAUGHTER
0:06:42 > 0:06:45But sometimes, there's just a wrapper.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:54 > 0:06:58I've obviously got up for a wee in the night and gone, "Aah"!
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Either that or the Tooth Fairy's moved over to the dark side.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06LAUGHTER
0:07:08 > 0:07:11But I'm in a relationship at the moment.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Give us a cheer all the couples in.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14CHEERING
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I've been with my fella for four years.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19We only have problems at present-giving time.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Christmases, birthdays, that sort of thing.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Cos my boyfriend likes to buy me surprises.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28And I really don't like...surprises.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Anybody else who doesn't really like surprises? A few of you.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34See, what we've done is we've got a happy medium now.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37I give him a list of pre-approved surprises.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Five or six things. He picks one.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I don't know which one it is, so technically, it's a surprise.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45It was my birthday at the end of May.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49He came home a few days before and said, "You'll never guess what I've done!"
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I said, "What have you done?" He said, "I've gone off-list."
0:07:52 > 0:07:54LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:07:58He said, "I'm not sure you'll like it."
0:07:58 > 0:08:00I said, "Why the hell did you buy it, then?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- LAUGHTER - "I mean...thank you."
0:08:02 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:10A friend who doesn't know us well said, "That sounds like an engagement ring!"
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I said, "No, it sounds like Kerplunk."
0:08:13 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:18A couple of years ago, I had really bad flu,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20couldn't get out of bed, felt terrible.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23My boyfriend said, "I'll get you a present to cheer you up."
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Now, I'm quite easy to cheer up.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I like flowers, chocolates. I'm a walking cliche.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30My favourite flowers are daffodils, which were in season at the time,
0:08:30 > 0:08:34and were everywhere in buckets for £1.00.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Chocolate-wise, I'm happy with a Twix or a Twirl,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41so you're talking £1.60 and I'm champion.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42LAUGHTER
0:08:42 > 0:08:45He chose to disregard that relevant information
0:08:45 > 0:08:47and bought something he thought was appropriate,
0:08:47 > 0:08:50which was a Mr Potato Head.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:57I still don't really know why.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59But, ironically, when I opened the box,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I wanted to re-arrange his bloody face.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04LAUGHTER
0:09:04 > 0:09:08When you've been together a few years, you get to know each other a bit better,
0:09:08 > 0:09:11and there are new things that pop up about each other
0:09:11 > 0:09:13that turn each other on and you don't know this.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15New things can pop up that turn you on
0:09:15 > 0:09:18and they can pop up in the most unusual of places.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20We were having a carvery.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I love a carvery.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26And with his pudding, he got a jug of custard.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30And he poured the custard onto his pudding
0:09:30 > 0:09:34and then he licked the spout of the custard jug
0:09:34 > 0:09:36and I was genuinely aroused!
0:09:36 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I just leaned over to him and I went, "Get in the car."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER
0:09:52 > 0:09:53Bring the custard.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:01 > 0:10:03But I've always been quite a late developer.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07You know when you find out about sex, about the birds and the bees...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Give us a cheer if you found out via your family?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- FAINT CHEER - A few of you.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- And what about if you found out via friends? - CHEERING
0:10:15 > 0:10:17So quite a lot of you unaccounted for.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Do you just not know?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22LAUGHTER
0:10:22 > 0:10:26My mam bought me a book. I've still got it now. It's a book by Claire Rayner.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29And it's got all of the parts of the body. It describes puberty.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33And in it, they call your vagina...
0:10:33 > 0:10:35LAUGHTER
0:10:35 > 0:10:38..they call it a "baby-making hole".
0:10:38 > 0:10:40LAUGHTER
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Now, I don't have babies and I don't have any plans to have babies,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48so I cannot call mine that, can I?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51So I call mine my "cock cheerer-upperer".
0:10:51 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:59 > 0:11:02And I've always been quite cautious by nature.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07I've got a friend who's got what I call a very dangerous lifestyle.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10He thinks it's exciting, but I think it's dangerous.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13To me, "exciting" is when you start a new tea towel.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Love it, love it. Ah! It's all been folded in the cupboard.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20No? No? Just me.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24But my friend has a very dangerous lifestyle.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27He's quite open about his sexual exploits.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31He said to me, "Have you ever had sex on a kitchen sink?
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"I've had sex on a kitchen sink." And I said, "No."
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I thought, "Am I a prude?" I don't think I am, but maybe I am.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43So I said to me boyfriend, "Would, I mean, would you...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"Would you like to have sex on a kitchen sink?"
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I get the impression it's supposed to be a bit more in the moment,
0:11:49 > 0:11:54rather than just, "When you've done the dishes, get your arse on there."
0:11:54 > 0:11:56LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:12:00He said, "Why would I want to have sex on a kitchen sink?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03"That would be like eating your dinner out of a shoe."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:11And my friend said, "Have you ever had sex on a plane?"
0:12:11 > 0:12:13He said, "I've had sex on a plane."
0:12:13 > 0:12:15And I said, "No."
0:12:17 > 0:12:20And he said, "That's dangerous. That's exciting."
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I said, "Well, I suppose it is,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24"but I think having a massive shit
0:12:24 > 0:12:27"with a queue outside on a plane is more dangerous."
0:12:27 > 0:12:28LAUGHTER
0:12:31 > 0:12:33And I've definitely done that.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And from the clapping, I can tell I'm not the only one.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48We're all members of the Pile-High club.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:55 > 0:12:58What an absolutely glorious audience you are this evening.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02Thank you so much for coming. You've got an amazing night ahead of you.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04It's time to introduce our first act.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07He's a good friend. I've gigged with him many times.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09You're gonna absolutely love him.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Give him a warm welcome and welcome to the stage, Steve Hughes!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14APPLAUSE
0:13:14 > 0:13:17MUSIC: "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Hello!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- London. - CHEERING
0:13:28 > 0:13:31All right. Excellent. How are you? My name's Steve.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33I'm from Australia, actually.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35CHEERING
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I used to play in heavy metal bands. That's why I left Australia.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40It doesn't like that stuff. I never suited Australia.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43It's a weird place. My parents are British
0:13:43 > 0:13:46and it's strange being a white man in a black man's country in the middle of Asia.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49LAUGHTER
0:13:52 > 0:13:55And the culture's strange. I never suited it, you know?
0:13:55 > 0:13:59It's all based around sport and...racism. And, er...
0:13:59 > 0:14:01LAUGHTER
0:14:01 > 0:14:03I wasn't very good at either of them.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- LAUGHTER - I didn't know what to kick.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Recently, we had a brilliant time. Recently, I just did a gig,
0:14:17 > 0:14:21a comedy gig at a heavy metal festival in Derbyshire, called Bloodstock.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I don't even know why they bothered getting comics to do the festival.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Like most things, they've become corporate.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31They stuck a theme park, like rides, within the confines of the grounds,
0:14:31 > 0:14:34so that people would have something to do besides bands.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37That made me think, "Why bother getting comedians?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:41I got to tell you, there is nothing funnier than a Goth on a dodgem.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Get it?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:00And it got us out of London for the weekend
0:15:00 > 0:15:05because that was the time you were having your riots, running around.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- Yeah. It was funny. - LAUGHTER
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Just listening to the reporting, that's what I found funny.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13"Look at them!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15"Looting!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17"Bloody looters!
0:15:17 > 0:15:20"Running around, looting!"
0:15:21 > 0:15:25I'm going, "Yeah? Well, you know, ever been to the British Museum?"
0:15:25 > 0:15:27LAUGHTER
0:15:27 > 0:15:30APPLAUSE
0:15:33 > 0:15:36"Where'd you get that Sphinx from - Norwich?"
0:15:36 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER
0:15:39 > 0:15:43"Is that your pyramid?" "Yeah, we found it in the Cotswolds!"
0:15:43 > 0:15:44LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:47"It was under a hedge. Who'd have thought?"
0:15:47 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER
0:15:49 > 0:15:51You wouldn't have a museum if you didn't go looting.
0:15:51 > 0:15:57Come to the British Museum and look at our...squirrel exhibit.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00LAUGHTER
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Put it in a Spitfire, make it look more interesting.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:10And help yourself to a Yorkshire pudding on the way out.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12- LAUGHTER - You know what I mean?
0:16:12 > 0:16:14The lies we're inflicted with.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16The War On Terror is the ultimate one.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19How can you have a war on terror? This doesn't even make sense.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23When's this going to end? When they've got the terror?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25LAUGHTER
0:16:25 > 0:16:26Relax. It's all gone.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30We're moving on to horror next.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32LAUGHTER
0:16:32 > 0:16:35And get those Goths out of the dodgems for starters.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:41This is insanity. You can't have a war on terror.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43"Having a war on terror, are you?" "That's right."
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"What does war create?"
0:16:45 > 0:16:50"Er...terror."
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"Exactly!"
0:16:52 > 0:16:54"So you're having a war against the consequence
0:16:54 > 0:16:57"of the actions you're involved in."
0:16:57 > 0:16:58LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:01APPLAUSE
0:17:03 > 0:17:04"Yeah."
0:17:04 > 0:17:08"But, er...ours is good terror."
0:17:08 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER
0:17:10 > 0:17:14"It's good, peace, freedom-loving terror. You know?"
0:17:14 > 0:17:17"Kind of like terror-light. You know?"
0:17:17 > 0:17:18LAUGHTER
0:17:18 > 0:17:21"Sort of a diet terror."
0:17:21 > 0:17:24"Sort of, I Can't Believe It's Not Terror, you know?"
0:17:24 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER
0:17:29 > 0:17:33We deal with that, and then next, what do we deal with, while this is all happening?
0:17:33 > 0:17:37"Oh, by the way, the planet's broken!"
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"It's all warmed up.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42"And, er, yeah, we have to fix it."
0:17:42 > 0:17:44"Cos we've broken it."
0:17:44 > 0:17:46"And, er...you know, we've done tests."
0:17:46 > 0:17:48"Who has?" "You know, experts."
0:17:48 > 0:17:50LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:54"Who are they?" "Oh, don't worry about it. They're here."
0:17:54 > 0:17:57I don't even believe in it. People freak out. "You don't believe in it?!"
0:17:57 > 0:18:01"I don't believe in it." "You have to believe in it. It's the law!"
0:18:01 > 0:18:04"Well, it's not yet. I'm sure it will be. But until then, no."
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Why should I believe in it?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09They're dropping depleted uranium all over the Earth,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12letting nuclear weapons off underneath the sea
0:18:12 > 0:18:13and what are we gonna do?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Sit at home with a special light bulb and a shopping bag for life.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:24 > 0:18:26That's all you have to do.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31And at the end of the day,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34while all this goes on, what else is happening?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Well, the X Factor's on the news.
0:18:37 > 0:18:38LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:45This is not normal. It's a TV show.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Why is it on the news?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48LAUGHTER
0:18:48 > 0:18:50It's not normal!
0:18:50 > 0:18:54When I grew up, The Price Is Right wasn't on the news.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56No, this is not news. This is rubbish.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00And I'm here to tell you people, being English,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03the X Factor, what have you done?
0:19:04 > 0:19:06You should be ashamed of yourselves.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:08 > 0:19:11You started it.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13You could stop it!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I know all countries now have got stupid shows, but you especially.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20America are too far gone, it doesn't matter about them.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23But you, what are you up to?
0:19:23 > 0:19:24You can't have the X Factor.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27You can't watch the X Factor. This is England!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30You made Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden,
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Venom, Motorhead,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Def Leppard, Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin, The Rolling Stones,
0:19:35 > 0:19:38The Who, The Beatles, The Smiths, The Cure, The Damned,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40The Jam, The Police, The Sex Pistols,
0:19:40 > 0:19:44The Crush, Peter Gabriel, Kate Bush, Jarvis Cocker,
0:19:44 > 0:19:45David Bowie, Queen,
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Pink Floyd, Radiohead, Supertramp, Chemical Brothers and The Prodigy.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52And if you're watching the X Factor after a resume like that,
0:19:52 > 0:19:55I'm just telling you, you are a bit of a bastard.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:04 > 0:20:07You've been glorious. I hope you had an excellent time.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- See you soon. Cheers. - APPLAUSE
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Give it up for Steve Hughes!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:24 > 0:20:28You've been an awesome audience. We've got one more act for you now.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32I know you'll love him. He's one of my favourite comedians.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Please give a warm welcome to Russell Kane!
0:20:35 > 0:20:36APPLAUSE
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Hello. How you doing?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Give a wonderful round of applause for your host Sarah Millican.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I love you! CHEERING
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Some of you are struggling to recognise me.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02I couldn't look more different from last time.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05So deep has the crisis in my life gone. Look at the state of me!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Look at me. I've gone from... My crisis is so bad,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I've gone for a makeover and come out the other end
0:21:11 > 0:21:13looking like the aborted triplet of Jedward.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16That's how serious it is. LAUGHTER
0:21:16 > 0:21:20"Get rid of it, Mother, it's not one of ours!"
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Single for the first time, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Single. For the first time in my life.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Half the room understanding, the other half going,
0:21:27 > 0:21:32"How can you be single for the first time now?" Self-heckle, post-modern, relax.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Well, because like half the room, I'm a serial monogamist.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Pathetically going from one long-term relationship to the other
0:21:39 > 0:21:41without an appropriate break
0:21:41 > 0:21:44cos I can't watch a movie on my own, I can't have a meal on my own.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I need a partner at all times, never having a proper break.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50The complete opposite to you annoying, emotionally-strong people.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Being single was exactly what I needed. It was good for me.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I got hobbies, friends, I saw my family,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58and by the end, I was ready to love again. Bleurgh! All right?
0:21:58 > 0:22:01LAUGHTER Be weak, like normal people!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Look at Kerry applauding that one. LAUGHTER
0:22:04 > 0:22:06One relationship to the other.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"I'll never recover! It's only been three months since Kerry."
0:22:09 > 0:22:13"Wait! You're showing me rudimentary kindness. Let's move in together!"
0:22:13 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:19No break, no gap, just going from one...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21It's a very different business, being a single guy.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I am straight. I should just clarify that.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Some of the larger men in the room are going, "Well, he's one of them. I can't laugh.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29"He's definitely one of them."
0:22:29 > 0:22:32"So heterosexual, I'm a bit disabled from it, I can't move."
0:22:32 > 0:22:38"I'm so heterosexual, my bones are going for how much I want to smash his quiff!"
0:22:38 > 0:22:40I'm straight, unit in the front row.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43This is heterosexual masculinity. It's fine in London.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I like Liza Minnelli and a vag. I like a bit of both.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Yeah. Look at the...
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Thank you, feminism. This is what's come out the other end for men!
0:22:55 > 0:23:00And the lies. At least women have the emotional literacy to moan about it.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03"It's so horrible being objectified. What if I wanna be single?" Men lie.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Listen to the PR we put out, "What you talking about? It's great being single."
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Thrusting while they talk. "You do what you like, whenever you like,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13"with whichever girl, into whichever sock
0:23:13 > 0:23:16"cos you don't get out the house cos I still love her, Gary!"
0:23:16 > 0:23:18LAUGHTER
0:23:18 > 0:23:22"I've been shitting in a carrier bag for a week, I'm so lonely!"
0:23:25 > 0:23:27That's the reality of being the single guy.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29Where's the support network?
0:23:29 > 0:23:33If you and I were best mates, I can't turn up at your front door sobbing
0:23:33 > 0:23:35and be assured of reassurance.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Girls have a much better support network.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40If I hit a full kitchen floor reset,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I can't turn up at my best mate Scott...
0:23:42 > 0:23:43I should define that term.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Because quite a young audience tonight, people at home.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48A lot of people won't actually know
0:23:48 > 0:23:51what a "kitchen floor reset" is, so I'll explain.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Who's aged between 17 and 21? Give me a cheer?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55CHEERING
0:23:55 > 0:23:58That's why. Kerry and I know, we know what a kitchen floor reset is.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Some of you are going, "Mum, do you remember when you used to see me cry?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05"Not any more. I'm moving out. Here's my flat, here's my boyfriend."
0:24:05 > 0:24:08# I'm an adult now I'm so grown up. #
0:24:08 > 0:24:10LAUGHTER
0:24:10 > 0:24:13In the next five to ten years, you'll have your first kitchen floor reset.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17That's where you end up back at your mum's house on the floor like that.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18HE SOBS
0:24:18 > 0:24:21"I'm crying so much. Why does it hurt so much, Mum?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23"I love him."
0:24:23 > 0:24:27You'll see your own string of snot like that... HE SOBS
0:24:27 > 0:24:30LAUGHTER
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Girls can turn up no problem, with a double Elizabeth Duke of snot at the door.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Even if it's a reason.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38"It's been seven years, I'm not ready to hold hands."
0:24:38 > 0:24:42A good female friend. When my life went tits up, Sarah was one of the people I called.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44A good female friend is what you need.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Girls are much better. "Don't worry about it, tonight's not about boys.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52"We're gonna go clubbing. If there's boys there, great, if not, who cares?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54"Stop thinking about boys. We're gonna get drunk,
0:24:54 > 0:24:58"have a dance. There's a boy, don't look at him! Tonight's about the girls.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01"We'll go home, we'll make a pizza, put Bridget Jones on,
0:25:01 > 0:25:06"you'll take my knickers off, I'll take yours off, we'll start lezzing." I'm sorry!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08LAUGHTER Lost it.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09APPLAUSE
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Guys don't get trained by our dads, us heterosexual, single men, right.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18We don't get trained about how to cope if we're single.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21We get drenched in misogynistic, testosterone images.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23"You must shag at all times." What if you can't?
0:25:23 > 0:25:27What if you're emotionally incapable, if that makes sense?
0:25:27 > 0:25:32I am straight. sometimes I look at myself and go, "WTF, but totes am, so..."
0:25:32 > 0:25:34"Random. Why's he being so random? Say badger."
0:25:34 > 0:25:37"Badger." "Oh, my God, he's so ground-breaking!"
0:25:37 > 0:25:40LAUGHTER
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Every girl, whether you were brought up by your mum,
0:25:42 > 0:25:47your nan or an aunt, you had a female figure that always sat you down and went, "Babe?"
0:25:47 > 0:25:49"I don't need the talk." "I want you to have fun tonight,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52"but if at any point you change your mind, you call me,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55"I will come out and get you in the Nissan Micra."
0:25:55 > 0:25:57"Mum!" "Get a taxi, I will pay for it.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00"I'll be in the cupboard, checking you're safe."
0:26:00 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:04How many guys, especially if you're from my background
0:26:04 > 0:26:08white, working-class, shaven-headed, racist, Cockney dad.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09My dad's got not one, not two,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12but three ripples of meat between head and neck, yeah.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14An Essex triple-ripple.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17"Want me to carry a breeze block? Stick it in my triple ripple."
0:26:19 > 0:26:22It's unthinkable that, if by some miracle,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I'd pulled a girl when I was 16,
0:26:24 > 0:26:26my dad had sat me down and gone,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"I do want you to have fun tonight, son,
0:26:28 > 0:26:32"but do not feel any pressure whatsoever to do anything sexual."
0:26:32 > 0:26:36"Even though your virginity shames me on a daily basis, right."
0:26:39 > 0:26:43"And down the pub, they call me Dave, the dad of the gayer."
0:26:43 > 0:26:44LAUGHTER
0:26:44 > 0:26:47That's the only thing which trumps my dad's racism,
0:26:47 > 0:26:49is his virulent homophobia.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52His fear that his eldest son might be gay. That's made me more camp.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55There were streams of thin men running up to my bedroom.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I was into Dungeons And Dragons until I was 21.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00"I'm gonna be a wizard tonight!"
0:27:00 > 0:27:04He was like that downstairs, "They're up there bumming. I know they're bumming."
0:27:04 > 0:27:08"Take it out of my son!" "What does expelliarmus mean?"
0:27:08 > 0:27:09LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Like you know the lowest moment?
0:27:12 > 0:27:16I don't know if any of the people here that have been single have gone through this,
0:27:16 > 0:27:20and it's not a male ailment. I'm not saying this to be misogynistic.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I'm sure girls get it. When your confidence goes so low,
0:27:23 > 0:27:27you can only be aroused by someone with low self-esteem.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30What a pathetic moment in a man or woman's life,
0:27:30 > 0:27:35when the only person who can sexually arouse you has got no confidence whatsoever and they're broken.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39You've got a funny walk, do you wanna go out for a Sloppy Giuseppe?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42If there are any single girls with low self-esteem in The Apollo,
0:27:42 > 0:27:46if you could just arrange yourself by the bins afterwards?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49"I've got no confidence since I've split up with my husband.
0:27:49 > 0:27:54"I hate the way I look." "Get in the van! You'll do, get in!"
0:27:54 > 0:27:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:59I hope it's not too long before I'm here again.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01I've been Russell Kane. Good night!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- Give it up for Russell Kane! - APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:19Thank you so much for coming out and joining us on Live At The Apollo.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21You guys have been brilliant.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Please give a round of applause for tonight's acts. Steve Hughes!
0:28:24 > 0:28:27APPLAUSE
0:28:27 > 0:28:28Russell Kane.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30APPLAUSE
0:28:30 > 0:28:33And I've been Sarah Millican. Thank you very much. Good night!
0:28:33 > 0:28:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:37 > 0:28:39E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk