0:00:18 > 0:00:23Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Jason Manford.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Hello.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Good evening.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38Oh, wow. Hello.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Hello, how are ya?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44OK. God bless ya.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48So, how does this work then, you all signed up for tickets and then they told you to come along?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50That's pretty good, that's pretty good.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Did you reserve where you sat, you wanted front row?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56No? You just turned up at, what, three o'clock or something
0:00:56 > 0:00:58and just went front row centre?
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I think I've seen you in my garden, mate.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04That is pretty eager.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07It's weird reserve seating, you've done well here, first come first served.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10Reserved seating can backfire, I think, in this country.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I went up to the Edinburgh Festival, a couple of years ago.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Anyone been up to the Edinburgh Festival? It's great fun.
0:01:15 > 0:01:19I went up to the Edinburgh Festival to see a mate of mine in a show, another comic, called Jason Cook,
0:01:19 > 0:01:20who lives up near me in Manchester.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24And he's only in a little room, a little 40-seater room, and me and my brother have turned up
0:01:24 > 0:01:26and there's only two seats left.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29One of them had a reserved sticker on, one of them didn't.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31So, I said to me brother, "Right, come on, we'll have to sit here.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35"You have the reserved one, because I booked the seat, so you can take the risk."
0:01:35 > 0:01:38He's a bit nervous about it, five minutes into the show, he's checking the door, you know.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Half an hour into the show, he's starting to grow in confidence,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44you know, that sort of squatters' rights, you know what I mean?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47You're like, if anyone comes now, I will fight for this seat, like.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Five minutes before the end of the show, we've both forgot
0:01:49 > 0:01:51it was ever a reserved seat in the first place,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53until the comic says, on stage, he says,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56"Ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of my show," he says,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59"before I go, I would like to dedicate tonight's performance to my dad."
0:01:59 > 0:02:01AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Yes, strap yourselves in, this gets worse, right?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10He says, "I'd like to dedicate tonight's performance to my dad."
0:02:10 > 0:02:14He said, "He passed away six months ago,
0:02:14 > 0:02:18"and the last show he ever came to see was in this very room, so..."
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Honestly, he's proper crying and everything, it was awful.
0:02:23 > 0:02:30He says, "As a mark of respect, I like to keep the seat that he was sat in that night...
0:02:30 > 0:02:32"reserved."
0:02:32 > 0:02:34And a hush fell over the audience,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36a real silence, you couldn't hear anything.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Obviously, I could hear my brother's arse going,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41you know, but apart from that, apart from that...
0:02:41 > 0:02:45And then a little light came on to show everybody which seat it was.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49It was all darkness, apart from my brother just sat there like that.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51As I'm edging away like, "You lousy bastard,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54"I can't believe you sat in a dead man's seat."
0:02:57 > 0:03:01My brother's a laugh. Not the brightest, not the brightest.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04We were playing football once, he opened up a new pair of shin pads, looked dead disappointed.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I said, "What's up with you?" He said, "I've just bought these the other day."
0:03:07 > 0:03:10He said, "I've just opened 'em now, one's a large, one's a regular."
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I said, "I think that's left and right, mate,
0:03:13 > 0:03:18"I don't think they would sell 'em like that."
0:03:19 > 0:03:21His wife is a teacher and...
0:03:21 > 0:03:24primary school teacher, and he come home the other week
0:03:24 > 0:03:27and he said to me, "Have you heard what's going on at her school?"
0:03:27 > 0:03:31I said, "No." He says, "They've got this new thing, it's called two stars and a wish,
0:03:31 > 0:03:32"or sandwich punishment."
0:03:32 > 0:03:36I said, "Sandwich punishment, I don't understand what this is."
0:03:36 > 0:03:38He says, "Well, basically, you can't just tell a kid off any more,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42"you've got to give him a compliment either side of the negative,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44"so he doesn't go away feeling bad about himself."
0:03:44 > 0:03:46That's true, that's a real thing,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49and you wonder why the country's on its arse.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52It's all these people rioting and looting, "Oi, put that telly down, you little bastard,
0:03:52 > 0:03:56"although it is one of the top brands, so good choice."
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Anyway, I said, "I don't really understand, what do you mean?
0:04:01 > 0:04:02"Give us an example."
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I did understand, I just know he's not very good at examples, so...
0:04:06 > 0:04:09So he says, "Well, you get the kid and you go right, you,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12"you're good at colouring in, I'll give you that...
0:04:14 > 0:04:18"..but you're a little shit."
0:04:18 > 0:04:22There was a bit of a pause and he went, "But your mum's quite fit, so..."
0:04:22 > 0:04:27I don't think that's come down from OFSTED, do you?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31They're the things that help comics, having a funny family,
0:04:31 > 0:04:32those sort of things help comics.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35The other thing that helps is the Comedy Gods.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You don't know about the Comedy Gods if you're not a comedian, but the Comedy Gods,
0:04:38 > 0:04:39they float around all theatres,
0:04:39 > 0:04:41helping us out when we get ourselves in a jam.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Sometimes, you'll get a heckle, and the Comedy Gods help us out.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47What they do is they plant an idea, a little thing in your brain.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50It goes past that little filter - you know the filter that says,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52"Should I say this out loud to a load of strangers?" -
0:04:52 > 0:04:54then comes straight out of your mouth.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56The first time you hear it is the first time you hear it.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59And I remember, I've got in trouble loads of times, I remember getting in,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I was doing a gig in Liverpool... A GIRL SCREAMS
0:05:02 > 0:05:03Yeah, that's right.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08You don't come out of this very well, to be honest, love.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15I was doing a gig in Liverpool, and it's a great city.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16It is a great city, it's really fun,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18but early on, it's a hard place to play.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20And I was 17 when I first started stand-up,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23all fresh faced, not even shaving, and I've walked out onto the stage,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26there's only seven people in the audience.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27And one of them decided to heckle.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30I've gone onto the stage all ready to make 'em laugh and a bloke goes,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33"Where's your pubic hair?"
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I crumbled, I crumbled.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I don't know if anyone's been heckled at work, it's not nice.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, on stage.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43And all of a sudden, I heard my voice.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46And the first time I heard my voice, I thought, "I know that voice.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49"Oh, shit, it's mine," that was the first thought I had.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50He went, "Where's your pubic hair?"
0:05:50 > 0:05:53And I heard myself just say, "In your wife's teeth." Right?
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Now, I don't know where it came from.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06I tell you something...
0:06:06 > 0:06:09you're laughing more than they did.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I've still not been paid, that was a tough night, man, a tough night.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15I remember looking out...
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I was in Dudley another time, I was stuck in Dudley one night, and I was...
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Oh, we get to all the great places.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22..and I was looking down...
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Dudley's one of my most favourite places in the country.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27About four years ago, in Dudley, there was a front-page news, right,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30that Dudley was the UFO hotspot of the UK.
0:06:30 > 0:06:31They interviewed this woman,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33who said the best thing I've ever read in my life.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37This is what she said, word for word, she went, "I was looking out the window..."
0:06:37 > 0:06:41She wasn't very good at the accent either, right.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43She goes, "I was looking out the window and I saw,
0:06:43 > 0:06:46"a Dorito-shaped object in the sky."
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Just think about that for a second.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53A Dorito-shaped object in the sky.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02I thought to myself, who, right, when describing shapes, right...
0:07:05 > 0:07:10..whose brain gets to Dorito, before it gets to triangle?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Who is that, what's going on there?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16That's someone who's seen more Doritos than triangles.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22I was in Dublin recently and a woman came up to me at the airport,
0:07:22 > 0:07:24she went, "Oh, my God, it's you!" I said, "What?"
0:07:24 > 0:07:27She went, "It's, I can't believe it's you off the telly."
0:07:27 > 0:07:28I said, "Oh, right."
0:07:28 > 0:07:31She went, "Me mammy's a massive fan of you." I said, "Oh, I love it."
0:07:31 > 0:07:33"Do you mind if I ring her?" I went, "No, of course."
0:07:33 > 0:07:35"Mammy, Mammy, you'll never guess who's here,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38"it's only Tyrone from Coronation Street..."
0:07:43 > 0:07:48I still signed the autograph and that, but...it just felt wrong.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53We've got some proper famous people in, we've got Downton Abbey, where's the Downton Abbey folks?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56There they are, hello, Downton Abbey.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Which did very well in America, of course, winning lots of Emmys and stuff.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Did you go over and collect those awards?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07No, you weren't invited.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09That's fair enough, just Hugh Bonneville by himself.
0:08:09 > 0:08:10"I'll get this, you're all right."
0:08:10 > 0:08:14What I enjoyed was the fact that America loves it so much.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Of course America loves Downton Abbey,
0:08:16 > 0:08:19it's because that's what they think England is like all the time.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21They think it's a documentary.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I'd love to...
0:08:23 > 0:08:26A few months ago, American tourists were coming over to try and meet Hugh Bonneville,
0:08:26 > 0:08:30and they're expecting some gentleman to put his coat over a puddle,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33and actually, they just witnessed a bloke being sick in his own shoes
0:08:33 > 0:08:35and an eight year old petrol bombing Footlocker.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37You know, it's very different in it?
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Oh, it's very different off the telly, isn't it?
0:08:41 > 0:08:45We've got, McFly. God bless ya. God bless ya, McFly.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48And, of course, you've got two front men, two lead singers.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Danny and Tom are the two lead singers.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Yeah, high five, I love it.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Come on now, you're 30, stop it.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Can't do high fives any more.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Danny, of course, going out with Miss England. Yeah?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I love that, there she is, Miss England right there, yeah.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05WOLF-WHISTLES
0:09:05 > 0:09:09People just presuming she's pretty, that's a fair presumption.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I love that, there's hundreds of men in this room
0:09:12 > 0:09:14who've told their girlfriend they're the prettiest woman in the country,
0:09:14 > 0:09:19Danny's the only one who's got a certificate.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21It's official. Who else have we got?
0:09:21 > 0:09:26We've got Sarah Beeny, everybody, Sarah Beeny. God bless ya.
0:09:26 > 0:09:31Who, of course, runs a dating website.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36It's a dating website for single people, of course, and their friends put them on there.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Now, that works for women, doesn't it?
0:09:39 > 0:09:41That works for women, because women are nice, aren't they?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Yeah.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46They go, "Ah, Rachel, she's dead funny, she's dead pretty,
0:09:46 > 0:09:47"and you'll have a lovely time.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49"She just wants to go for walks and strolls,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51"and occasionally cry herself to sleep."
0:09:51 > 0:09:53But...
0:09:54 > 0:09:57..that's not going to work for blokes, is it?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Imagine a bloke putting his single mate on this website of Sarah's.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"Yeah, Jeff, yeah, he's a bit of a knobhead.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07"He's a big fella, you know, built for comfort, all that.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09"You know that bloke from the Go Compare advert?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13"Well, if you like him, you are going to love Jeff."
0:10:14 > 0:10:18Like Sarah, I've got loads of kids as well.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20You've got four, is it? Four boys?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I've got three girls. I've got twin girls who are two years old,
0:10:22 > 0:10:27and I've got another one who's eight months, another girl, she's all right.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Well, you know, I've not known her as long. But...
0:10:30 > 0:10:34It's hard, because they let you go home the next day. I think that's too soon. They let you go the next day,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37and you're like, "I'd rather stay here surrounded by professionals,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39"and machines and that, know what they're doing."
0:10:39 > 0:10:41They let you go with this human child,
0:10:41 > 0:10:44and you think, have I strapped 'em into the car seat all right?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47You're going about four mile an hour crying, driving home,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50tractors overtaking you, people walking past you on the pavement.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Every time you go round a corner, you can hear the baby moving about in the boot.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare from day one.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01And nappies, of course. I went into ASDA one night.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I said, "Excuse me, love, where are your nappies?"
0:11:03 > 0:11:06She said, "Babies nappies?" I was like, "Yeah!"
0:11:06 > 0:11:11I would have asked where the toilets were, wouldn't I?
0:11:11 > 0:11:16I don't want to see that, at the supermarket, some bloke coming out of ASDA George changing room,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19"Have you got these Huggies in a 38, love?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21"They're chaffing me."
0:11:21 > 0:11:24There was this one night, where one of my daughters,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27she'd not had a poo for five days, right?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I know, awful, nobody wanted to hold her.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33You know, when it gets to that point? It's like a dirty game of Buckaroo.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36You're like, "Oh, no, you have her."
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Anyway, one night, I'm lying in bed,
0:11:38 > 0:11:40it's about three o'clock in the morning,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43and a noise comes over the baby monitor.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46And it wasn't a cry, I would have been expecting that.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50It was like this, imagine this. Pitch black...
0:11:50 > 0:11:53LONG RUMBLING
0:12:00 > 0:12:04Now, my first thought was that Predator had just walked past my window, like,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06kind of had a weird dream, like.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Anyway, I dropped back off. I thought, there's no point us both being awake,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14so I dropped back off...
0:12:16 > 0:12:19She'll still be there in the morning.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22I dropped back off, about ten minutes later...
0:12:28 > 0:12:33LONG RUMBLING
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Now, that's a terrifying noise to hear, but not as scary as two words from my wife,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46"You go." I was like...
0:12:49 > 0:12:53I tell you what now, Apollo, I went in that room...
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I never changed that nappy, that nappy changed me. Do you know what I mean?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58I've not been the same since, man.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Are you ready for your first act of the night, folks?
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Please welcome one of my favourite acts in the world,
0:13:11 > 0:13:12please welcome Jimeoin.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Thank you. Not a bad entrance.
0:13:34 > 0:13:41Best entrance I ever seen was a swan coming to land on a piece of water, on a lake,
0:13:41 > 0:13:43and, er...
0:13:43 > 0:13:49as he hit the water, his two feet left off a spray either side,
0:13:49 > 0:13:54and as he slowed down, he just showed off his wings before folding 'em away.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56He did that...
0:14:01 > 0:14:04Oh, yeah, he knew it was good.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Other birds don't have such a good entrance.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Pigeons don't make a big fuss when they arrive, do they?
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Any messages?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Stupid walk, isn't it?
0:14:34 > 0:14:35All birds have got stupid walks.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39Chickens, why do chickens walk like they're in a minefield?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07It was one step too many there, wasn't it?
0:15:07 > 0:15:11So, one chicken just walking round like this here, he didn't care where he was going.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Next thing, he blew up.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I saw two pigeons... Last pigeon joke, I swear.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I saw two pigeons in a park, male pigeon, female pigeon.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Male pigeon's making a move on the female pigeon,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28doing that thing where he's got his neck all fluffed up,
0:15:28 > 0:15:32you know, doing that, and he had a little bit of a purple two-tone band,
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I'd never really noticed it before.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38But it was working for him, subtle, but, you know...
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I thought, that's nice.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43And he was doing that, "Brrr!"
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I don't know what he was saying to the female pigeon,
0:15:48 > 0:15:51but whatever it was, it was pure filth.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Cos the female pigeon was going...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01..get him away from me.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05And he was doing that, he had that neck, he was doing that...
0:16:09 > 0:16:11That's always filth, isn't it?
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Do you ever talk filth to a girl and go too far,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16and then you can't back up?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20"Sorry, love, that was a bit much, wasn't it?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22"Let's start again.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23"What's your name?"
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Trick to talking filth is...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34you've got to get them talking filth.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38And the trick to that is just mumble the last bit.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40That's all you have to do.
0:16:40 > 0:16:44You go, "When I get you home, I'm going to..."
0:16:47 > 0:16:49And they know what you're up to, and if they're not up for it,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51they always go, "No, no, no, no, no, no."
0:16:51 > 0:16:56But if they're up for it, they always go, "What did you just say?"
0:16:56 > 0:16:58And then you can go, "What do you want me to do?"
0:16:58 > 0:17:03And then you've got them talking filth and you've said nothing.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06And then you can go, "No, no, no, I'm not having that."
0:17:08 > 0:17:12I don't talk filth to my wife, I talk clean to my wife.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I go, "When I get you home... I'm going to...
0:17:15 > 0:17:18"put the bins out.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22"You slip into bed and I'll...
0:17:22 > 0:17:24"stick the dishwasher on.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30"Read your book, fall asleep, I'll slip in beside you...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33"..and leave you alone."
0:17:35 > 0:17:36"You promise?"
0:17:36 > 0:17:39"Tonight's the night."
0:17:40 > 0:17:44So, my name's Jimeoin, I'm Irish.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Any Irish people in?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48CHEERING
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Good to hear. I'm from Northern Ireland.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55But I'm Irish.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59There's a difference, yeah.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03I was actually born on an island off the coast of Ireland
0:18:03 > 0:18:04called England.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17English people called Irish people stupid.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19We didn't like that.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22But we didn't really have a good comeback.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Wasn't till I went to Australia
0:18:27 > 0:18:31and they called English people whinging poms.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I thought, that's fantastic.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38I thought, why didn't we think of that?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Must be stupid or something.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45Any Australians in?
0:18:45 > 0:18:46CHEERING
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Good to see. Any New Zealanders?
0:18:50 > 0:18:51CHEERING
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Oh, God.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Cheap tickets.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Any Tibetans?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I hate Tibetans... No.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08I don't care who hears this, I'm going to tell it as it is.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I was in New Zealand, I went to a rugby match.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17And I was sitting in the stand and they all got up,
0:19:17 > 0:19:20all these school kids got up and started doing the Haka round me,
0:19:20 > 0:19:24doing that, you know, that...
0:19:26 > 0:19:29That's the way they do it too, you know, they give it everything,
0:19:29 > 0:19:33they fully commit to it. You never see anyone doing a half-hearted Haka.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36You never see that.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56I'd love to see England play New Zealand in the rugby in the finals.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59And while the All Blacks are doing the Haka,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02the English team just doing a little bit of Morris dancing.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Hankies and ribbons.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17Anyway, that's all from me. Thank you very much, and...
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Goodnight, thank you.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- Jimeoin, everyone!- Thank you.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Jimeoin!
0:20:30 > 0:20:33Are you ready for another act, folks?
0:20:33 > 0:20:39Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Tom Stade!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52All right...
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Wow, all right.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Good evening, Apollo!
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Very happy to be here.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I know a lot a people throughout the show tonight, you're going to be thinking to yourself,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06you're going to be going, "Tom...
0:21:06 > 0:21:09"Tom, you're not from around these parts."
0:21:09 > 0:21:12And you're going to be thinking to yourself, you're going to be going,
0:21:12 > 0:21:13"Tom...
0:21:13 > 0:21:17"where is that funky accent from?"
0:21:18 > 0:21:24And I'm here to tell ya, it's from smoking dope for 20 years.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32This ain't a regional thing, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35This is what the doctor likes to call 'damage'.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I've actually been married for about 16 years now.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Any married people?
0:21:43 > 0:21:47I love being married, because I get to do things that, like...
0:21:47 > 0:21:50I go on what I call married dates, man.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54And I love married dates, because you can say stuff on a married date
0:21:54 > 0:21:57that you can't say on no first date.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01You get to say stuff like, "I'm going to go take a shit,
0:22:01 > 0:22:03"you order something cheap."
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Yeah, man, I've got to go on married dates,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17because I don't have any friends any more.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19All my friends became assholes.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23And do you want to know why my friends became assholes?
0:22:23 > 0:22:29Cos she told me they were assholes. Yeah.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I used to get this from my gal all the time.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34She used to walk up to me and go,
0:22:34 > 0:22:40"So, er, why do you hang out with that Dave guy, anyways?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44"I mean, Jesus Christ, all he does is smoke pot and get drunk all day."
0:22:44 > 0:22:48And no man can answer that honestly, you know.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51No man... What are you going to say?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54"No, baby, I'd rather argue with you for ten hours.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"Or maybe we can hang around the kitchen table
0:22:57 > 0:23:00"and talk about the finances some more?"
0:23:00 > 0:23:02But you ever pull that on your gal,
0:23:02 > 0:23:05you ever walk up to your gal and go,
0:23:05 > 0:23:10"Oh, yeah, well, what about your friend Cindy?
0:23:10 > 0:23:14"She does the same damn thing."
0:23:14 > 0:23:17You want to know what you get?
0:23:17 > 0:23:18You get this...
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Now, you see that little arm cross there?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28Not a lot of people know it, but when a woman crosses her arms,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31it means, fight's on, dickhead.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37And do you want to know what I hate worse than the arm cross?
0:23:37 > 0:23:42Is there's this little laugh that women give you after the arm cross.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46And I've heard this laugh 1,000 times, from 1,000 different women,
0:23:46 > 0:23:50it's like cave women have passed this laugh on.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Cos they just look at you and they're like...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55"Oh."
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Like they've just witnessed a car accident.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Yeah, because once you hear that laugh,
0:24:02 > 0:24:07the gates of hell have closed behind you. Then they're into it.
0:24:07 > 0:24:14Then they're like, "Don't you talk about Cindy like that!"
0:24:14 > 0:24:16And I'll tell you why,
0:24:16 > 0:24:22and every single one of you women in this room know why you don't talk about Cindy like that.
0:24:23 > 0:24:28Because she is going through a really rough...time.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40So, Cindy's going through a rough time?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Well, at least Dave was never a hooker.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Cos I used to know stuff, man.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53I used to know stuff. Before I was married, I knew stuff.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I used to know all the new rock 'n' roll bands.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I used to be into it. McFly and stuff.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Now, I don't know...
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I don't know any new rock 'n' roll bands any more
0:25:05 > 0:25:10because nobody sings songs for married people.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12All the songs nowadays is stuff like...
0:25:12 > 0:25:16# I met you today And I want to shag you right now. #
0:25:18 > 0:25:19And that don't speak to me.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23And if it did, I'd be in a lot of trouble.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Nobody rocks out to marriage,
0:25:27 > 0:25:32nobody's in the garage singing about love that never ends and goes on until you die.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Nobody sitting there going...
0:25:36 > 0:25:40# We've been together for 16 years
0:25:40 > 0:25:42# And we've got our health
0:25:52 > 0:25:54# I can't afford to leave ya now
0:26:02 > 0:26:03# Compromise
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# Killed my dreams. #
0:26:10 > 0:26:13See, some people can laugh at that.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16A lot of people right now are looking at me going,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19"That's a little close to the bone, Tom.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23"Now you're talking about us."
0:26:23 > 0:26:25And I know there's a woman in this room right now
0:26:25 > 0:26:27probably looking at her man going,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30"You don't feel that way about me, do ya?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33"I didn't compromise your dreams...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35"did I?"
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Your dreams get compromised.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42As soon as you have kids.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I had two kids, that's when my dreams went out the window.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I had to give my dreams to them.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50I had two kids, man, it's weird.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52I only thought I'd have one.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54So, we had the first one, and then we thought,
0:26:54 > 0:27:00"OK, we'll have another one, and we'll be creating a playmate for the first one."
0:27:00 > 0:27:06But really, what we did is created the first kid's arch-nemesis.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Superman, I'd like to introduce you to Lex Luthor.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20You just get dumber.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23My kid makes me feel stupid.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28My kid's always asking me questions I don't know.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30My kid's always coming up to me going,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32"Hey, dad, why's the sky blue?"
0:27:32 > 0:27:36I'm like, "Why don't you go to school and learn something, dickhead?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43"Why are you embarrassing me in front of all my friends?
0:27:45 > 0:27:48"How did you get into this strip club, anyways?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55"Why don't you ask me questions I know?
0:27:55 > 0:28:00"Like, why is your mom crying in the bathroom?
0:28:00 > 0:28:02"Cos she likes to play the victim, son."
0:28:08 > 0:28:11Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13You've been...
0:28:13 > 0:28:15excellent!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Tom Stade, everybody!
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Have you had a good night, folks?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31So, please show your appreciation for the acts you saw tonight.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34You saw Jimeoin! And Tom Stade!
0:28:34 > 0:28:36I've been Jason Manford.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Goodnight. God bless. Thank you very much.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:56 > 0:28:59E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk