0:00:18 > 0:00:22'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25'Jack Whitehall!'
0:00:25 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:43Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Live at the Apollo.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48CHEERING
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:50 > 0:00:54we have a cracking show in store for you this evening.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57You are in for a treat.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01And let me say, you look like you deserve it. This looks like a beautiful audience.
0:01:01 > 0:01:01CHEERING
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Oh, yeah.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Some beautiful faces in here.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And also a couple of famous faces as well. Oh, yes.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12A star-studded audience tonight in the Hammersmith Apollo.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Kerry Katona is in the house.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15CHEERING
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Oh, yeah. Kerry Katona.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:23I love Kerry!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26I watched Kerry, I watched you on the Big Brother.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Celebrity Big Brother.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I wasn't sure, about this series of Celebrity Big Brother,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33truth be told.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37I thought quite a predictable series, Celebrity Big Brother.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39It was won by a gypsy.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Well, obviously he was going to be the last one to get evicted.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50No, it's nice to have you here, Kerry.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53It's lovely everyone has come out to the Hammersmith Apollo
0:01:53 > 0:01:55to have a laugh, to enjoy yourselves
0:01:55 > 0:01:56because I think, on the whole,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59we are quite a grumpy nation. We are a grumpy nation of people
0:01:59 > 0:02:03but I think that's something that we should celebrate. Celebrate how grumpy we are
0:02:03 > 0:02:07because that's what makes us British, and if we weren't like this
0:02:07 > 0:02:09we'd be like Americans, and we don't want that.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13There are some things in this great country, oh, yeah,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17there are some things that we will never have,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20and we need to embrace that. Like customer service.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23We are never going to have customer service in the UK.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26They love that shit in America. I don't want it here.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Go into a shop in the UK, you know what you're getting put through, yeah?
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Like your phone shop, for example.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34You walk into the Carphone Warehouse, you know the drill.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38You know if you go to Carphone Warehouse you can get ignored for days.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:43There'll be a corpse where an elderly gentleman's
0:02:43 > 0:02:45tried to upgrade without his wife there to help,
0:02:45 > 0:02:47and even when you do get assistance
0:02:47 > 0:02:50it's going to be from some patronising little suited teenager,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54constantly arksing you, "How many minutes you talk in a month, bruv?"
0:02:54 > 0:02:58When you leave the shop, you feel like you've earned your phone.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I broke my phone when I was in America.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I had to go into the Apple Store in New York.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Oh, my God! The Apple Store in New York
0:03:05 > 0:03:08is like a big, white, glistening cathedral
0:03:08 > 0:03:10of twats!
0:03:10 > 0:03:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Before you even have your foot in the door,
0:03:15 > 0:03:17there's a wank-tard in your face.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22"Hey, buddy, my name's Drew. What brings you to the Apple Store today, hombre?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25"I'm here to buy a phone, not make a friend. Piss off."
0:03:27 > 0:03:31They genuinely applaud the first customer in of the day.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35The Apple Store in New York. They all stand around applauding the idiot as he walks in.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"'Whoo, we love you, man, customer number one, you rock."
0:03:38 > 0:03:43Can you imagine getting away with that at a phone shop in the UK? I think not!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46T-Mobile in the Westfield Shopping Centre?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49The only customer getting applauded is the last one OUT of the day.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51"Oh, thank Christ you've gone, mate.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55"We can all go down the pub, you BlackBerry wanker!"
0:03:55 > 0:03:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:05 > 0:04:07I don't like customer service.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10And it works both ways as well.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14When I was in America I needed to use the train, and I was on the platform,
0:04:14 > 0:04:16and I saw a poster in one of the stations, right?
0:04:16 > 0:04:19It had on it, one of their rail employees.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22She was there, all made up, her eyes full of life and hope.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24She had a smile across her face,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27and then underneath it, a little slogan,
0:04:27 > 0:04:31"Hey, you got enough snacks for the journey? Enjoy your trip."
0:04:31 > 0:04:35Compare that to the posters you get up and down this great island
0:04:35 > 0:04:38on every single station platform. What is it?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42A poster of a National Rail employee with a massive black eye.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44"Please don't hit our staff."
0:04:44 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Recently, I really wanted to get into a relationship
0:04:55 > 0:04:58and, lo and behold, I met the woman of my dreams. She was incredible, right?
0:04:58 > 0:05:02As soon as we start going out the problems start emerging
0:05:02 > 0:05:04cos, when I first met her she was great,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07but as soon as the relationship became official, she changed.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11When I first met her she was cool, she was funny, exciting.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15She said she was bi. I was like, "Oooh! Sexy!"
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Turns out she meant bipolar. She was...
0:05:18 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER
0:05:21 > 0:05:24And she scared me as well, like, she intimidated me.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28The older woman. She liked things I wasn't comfortable with, in the bedroom, for example.
0:05:28 > 0:05:32That was a nightmare because she liked to be experimental in the bedroom.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35When it comes to the bedroom, I'm quite English about the whole thing.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Quite sort of English Victorian, right?
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I want three minutes in the dark, we both roll over,
0:05:40 > 0:05:44assume the foetal position and cry for a bit.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46That's how it should be done, right?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49None of this talking, as well. I hate the talking.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51This is the element I can't stand.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54They say during sex that a woman should lie back and think of England.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58I think they should lie back and think of London, specifically, London Underground.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Don't make any eye contact and don't dare start a conversation.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12This girl, she was obsessed with doing all the talking
0:06:12 > 0:06:15and I'd warned her, I had warned her, people,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17this voice does not work in the bedroom.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20It is not a sexy voice so stop trying to make me dirty talk,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23but she persisted in doing it. She tried to trick me.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28She'd be like, "Oh, Jack, tell me I've been a bad girl.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- (SLIGHTLY EFFEMINATE TONE) - "You've been a bad girl.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33"How bad? I don't know. Is there a scale?
0:06:33 > 0:06:37"Worse than a looter, not as bad as Harold Shipman. Are you happy?"
0:06:37 > 0:06:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:42 > 0:06:46There were so many problems with our relationship, so many issues.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48The major one was that her friends didn't like me
0:06:48 > 0:06:52and, as a guy, if a girl's friends don't like you, you are screwed.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54There's nothing you can do
0:06:54 > 0:06:57it's like laws of the animal kingdom. Girls are like a pride,
0:06:57 > 0:07:01they're gracious, they look after, nurture the weakest of the group.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Guys don't give a shit.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05They will kick out the weakest to rot in the sun.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08If you want to observe this in all of its beauty,
0:07:08 > 0:07:11the savannah, if you will, is the airport.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13When you see groups of girls and groups of guys
0:07:13 > 0:07:17going as lads and girls on tour, to like, Ayia Napa, Ibiza, Magaluf,
0:07:17 > 0:07:21and it all starts in the airports with the tour tee-shirts
0:07:21 > 0:07:23and the tour hoodies they've had made up.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27You see the girls with their little wheelies,
0:07:27 > 0:07:31their little neatly ironed pink hoodies they've organised months in advance,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34with little nicknames, on the back, in glitter...
0:07:34 > 0:07:36except with girls it's not nicknames, is it?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39It's character building.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43They'll find any positive about their friends and celebrate it. Incredible to see.
0:07:43 > 0:07:48You'll see the group of girls and at the back there'll be this 300 tonne hunk of ham
0:07:48 > 0:07:51with like, a gammy leg, chins growing out of their ears
0:07:51 > 0:07:53you didn't even know a chin could grow out of.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57She reaches herself round to see if there's a queue outside Greggs
0:07:57 > 0:08:00and on her back in glitter it just says, "Angel Eyes".
0:08:02 > 0:08:04You can't deny her eyes are gorgeous.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07They follow you around the room, because one of them is lazy.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Next to them in the queue you've got the guys,
0:08:11 > 0:08:16they're crawling over a bin liner full of tee-shirts, desperate to get the one that says "Shagger".
0:08:16 > 0:08:19And then they start dishing them out amongst their friends,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22except with them it's not nicknames. It's character assassination
0:08:22 > 0:08:26with no wit or reason to it, whatsoever.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29It's just like, Dick Splash, Shithead, Tit Face,
0:08:29 > 0:08:33some poor guy in a wheelchair getting forced into one that says, "Top Gear".
0:08:33 > 0:08:34It's cruel.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38He's not even part of their group.
0:08:40 > 0:08:41And they get on the holiday,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44it's no different when they're actually on the holiday.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Groups of girls on holiday, they're sunbathing on the beach,
0:08:47 > 0:08:51and one of them falls asleep in the sun, they'll wake them up.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53That's what they do.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56A guy wouldn't dream of doing that.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58The girls, it's like, "'Angel Eyes, Angel Eyes,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00"wake up! You're falling asleep in the sun.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04"You're burning all over your shoulders. Girls, quickly, get some suntan...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07"We're going to need more than that. Come on, girls.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09"It'll be all right. We're looking out for you
0:09:09 > 0:09:12"cos we're BFF, friends for ever."
0:09:12 > 0:09:13LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:16Further on down the beach, "Oy, what's Jay doing? Shh!
0:09:18 > 0:09:24"He's fallen asleep in the midday sun. Oh, wow!
0:09:24 > 0:09:28"Shall we put some suntan lotion on him? Yeah!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"I'll draw the balls, you do the shaft."
0:09:31 > 0:09:34LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Yes. It's very funny, isn't it, Hammersmith Apollo?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Laugh it all up. That will take weeks to go!
0:09:39 > 0:09:42LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:09:42 > 0:09:44APPLAUSE
0:09:46 > 0:09:51WHISTLING
0:10:00 > 0:10:04Someone wolf whistled. That was NOT sexy.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Yeah, that's how I like my guys with a cock on their chest.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Maybe Kerry.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14No, I didn't...
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I couldn't resist!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20The relationship, it didn't last.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26And it WAS my fault. It was a Friday night when it happened,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29because she had arranged dinner and then a movie. That sounds quite fun,
0:10:29 > 0:10:33but it is not fun because she's a sophisticated, mature woman.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35This was a sophisticated, mature dinner
0:10:35 > 0:10:38and I hate going to fancy restaurants on dates
0:10:38 > 0:10:40because if you go to a fancy restaurant on a date
0:10:40 > 0:10:43they make you look like an idiot. If you take a girl on a date,
0:10:43 > 0:10:46you need to go somewhere where you can look like you're in control
0:10:46 > 0:10:50which is why, if you're ever taking a girl on a date,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53there is only one place, and one place alone, you can take them.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Any takers?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56AUDIENCE: Nando's.
0:10:56 > 0:10:56Nando's.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Correct!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Nando's is where you take them
0:11:02 > 0:11:05because if you go to Nando's you can look like you know your shit.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08You arrive at Nando's early. You're greeted at the door.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12"Hello, has sir ever been to Nando's before? Yes, I have, my good man,
0:11:12 > 0:11:17"and we both know you'll be doing absolutely bugger all this evening, so stand aside!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Have that booth in the corner.
0:11:19 > 0:11:25Ooh, banquette seating, nice for scooching up together when this gets interesting later on.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27First, time for the wine. "What would Madame like?
0:11:27 > 0:11:31"A dry Sancerre or a crisp Sauvignon Blanc?" Doesn't matter, it's Nando's.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34They both taste exactly the same.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Which leads us on to the food.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40"Do you like chicken?" Good, cos it's all chicken. I already know what I'm getting.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44It's a double chicken breast in a pitta, lemon and herb spice,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46but at the last minute, I'm asking the guy at the counter
0:11:46 > 0:11:48to swap the little flags round
0:11:48 > 0:11:50so he can put in one that says it's extra hot,
0:11:50 > 0:11:54so when I'm eating it she thinks that I'm hard as nails.
0:11:54 > 0:12:00"Would sir like cheese and pineapple with that?" Why does anyone want cheese and pineapple with chicken?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03It makes no logical sense. Her dinner has arrived.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07She's order two sides, one of macho peas, one of witty repartee.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09At this point in proceedings, ladies and gentlemen,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12she is eating out of the palm of my hand,
0:12:12 > 0:12:17mainly because I've forgotten to get the bloody cutlery from the tooling up desk.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18But it doesn't matter
0:12:18 > 0:12:21because he's about to ask the question every woman asks.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24This is the killer, this is make or break time
0:12:24 > 0:12:26whether she'll get into the cab with you, or not.
0:12:26 > 0:12:33She turns to me, looks lovingly into my eyes and says, "Jack, what's peri-peri?"
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Ooh. A very, very good question, my dear.
0:12:35 > 0:12:40This is the final penalty in the shoot-out at Wembley. This is make or break time.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42A very good question. What is peri-peri?
0:12:42 > 0:12:46I'll let you into a secret, Hammersmith Apollo. It's a good question, but also one
0:12:46 > 0:12:50nobody actually knows the answer to,
0:12:50 > 0:12:54so you can make up whatever the hell you like and she's still going to be impressed.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Peri-peri, my dear, is a blend of aromatic spices
0:12:57 > 0:13:01bonded together by tears of Portuguese widows who lost their husbands at sea.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04El hombre est il mort.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05And she's mine!
0:13:05 > 0:13:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time to move on with proceedings.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Our first act this evening, he's a lovely guy.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23He's an incredible stand-up. You are absolutely going to love him.
0:13:23 > 0:13:29You're in for a treat. Ladies and gentlemen, will you please give a warm welcome to the stage
0:13:29 > 0:13:31to the wonderful Josh Widdicombe.
0:13:31 > 0:13:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Hello.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49CHEERING
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- Yes. Are you well? - AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55I struggle with those questions. I never know what to answer.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I'm only confident answering a question
0:13:57 > 0:14:00is when I'm at my computer, like when your computer crashes,
0:14:00 > 0:14:04it comes on and goes, "Your computer's just crashed. Do you want to send a report?"
0:14:05 > 0:14:06No.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I'm not a grass.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11LAUGHTER
0:14:11 > 0:14:15If I was going to grass up my computer I wouldn't via my computer. He'll know.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18I'll be grassing him up, he'll start grassing me up,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21he's got far more on me than I have on him, I can tell you.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27It's nice to be in Hammersmith. I've moved to London, area called Finsbury Park.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31- Do we know it? - AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Those people clearly haven't been to it.
0:14:33 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:36It's not a nice area. When I moved in,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39one of the ways the guy got us to take the house, he said,
0:14:39 > 0:14:40"Well, great location.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43"To give you an idea, you live just across the road from Argos Extra."
0:14:45 > 0:14:48If you don't know it, it's a smaller version of Argos.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52They've used the rare definition of "extra" to mean "far, far less".
0:14:52 > 0:14:54LAUGHTER
0:14:54 > 0:14:57They've got the normal catalogues which are full of things
0:14:57 > 0:14:59they've never had in stock.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Dialling into the stock check for 20 minutes, nothing is coming up,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04the guy said, "Are you all right?"
0:15:04 > 0:15:06and I said, "You haven't got anything."
0:15:06 > 0:15:10He said, "Well, what you've got to remember is that we have a greatly-reduced range.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13"To give you an idea, that warehouse out the back is actually
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"no bigger than this room we are having the discussion in now."
0:15:16 > 0:15:20So here's an idea - go out the back, get that stuff,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23bring it through here, we'll call the whole thing a shop.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25LAUGHTER
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Currently, what I am doing is dialling in numbers
0:15:28 > 0:15:31in an attempt to guess what is the other side of a wall!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33LAUGHTER
0:15:33 > 0:15:35This isn't shopping, this is Battleships!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:40 > 0:15:42We've been in there 20 minutes,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45I don't even remember what I came in for.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I'm just dialling in random numbers.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49The only thing I have found that you have in stock
0:15:49 > 0:15:52is a Playboy-themed hot-water bottle.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56He said, "Yeah, that is one of our sexier items."
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I said, "When did the hot water bottle become a sexy item?"
0:15:59 > 0:16:02From my experience, it is used or two things -
0:16:02 > 0:16:04cold feet and period pains.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06LAUGHTER
0:16:06 > 0:16:09Call me a weirdo, I have never been turned on by either of them.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13If there is a relationship between a hot-water bottle and sex,
0:16:13 > 0:16:18it is that when you see your partner is filling up a hot-water bottle,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20you're not having sex.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:25He said, "Well, no, it is sexy, isn't it,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27"because it is shaped like a rabbit."
0:16:27 > 0:16:29I said, "Is that sexy?
0:16:29 > 0:16:33"Obviously, we had different emotional reactions to Watership Down!"
0:16:33 > 0:16:35LAUGHTER
0:16:35 > 0:16:39I do not understand this Playboy idea that the way to make a woman sexier
0:16:39 > 0:16:41is to give her the ears and tail of a rabbit.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45It is always the ears and tail, I do not know if there are other prototypes
0:16:45 > 0:16:47that Hugh Hefner tried that did not work out,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50that he brought out for his mates and said, "Do you fancy her?
0:16:50 > 0:16:51"She's got buck teeth.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53LAUGHTER
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- "And massive feet." - LAUGHTER
0:16:55 > 0:16:57"No? What about this one?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00"She has fur and I have put her in a hutch.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02LAUGHTER
0:17:02 > 0:17:07"No? Third time lucky, she has myxomatosis.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09"She shits Maltesers."
0:17:09 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER
0:17:13 > 0:17:14It is difficult in your 20s.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I am single, I came out of a relationship a while ago.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20The worst bit is just after, when no-one knows what to say to you.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Some people say, "Well, think of the good times.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
0:17:27 > 0:17:29That is not true, is it?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Because that is not how losing things works.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35When you lose your phone, your first reaction isn't,
0:17:35 > 0:17:37"Well, at least I had a phone, I mean..."
0:17:37 > 0:17:38LAUGHTER
0:17:40 > 0:17:44It is better to have had a phone and lost a phone, isn't it?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Than never to have phoned at all.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48You're thinking, "Well, those phone calls,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50"they are memories I will always cherish."
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Going out alone, that is difficult as well.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I went to the cinema on my own for the first time recently.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I didn't realise that is the act of an oddball.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I've eaten alone before, do not do that.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04I went to Pizza Express and said, "Can I have a table for one, please?"
0:18:04 > 0:18:05And she said, "No."
0:18:05 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Instead, she gave me a table for two
0:18:09 > 0:18:13and she slowly removed the cutlery of the non-existent second person.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I said, "What are you doing? I am not going to get confused!"
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I'm not going to look down halfway through and say,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22"Where the hell has my girlfriend gone?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25"I didn't think I had one but the knife and fork are saying otherwise."
0:18:25 > 0:18:27I went to the cinema alone and I went to see a film
0:18:27 > 0:18:30and it wasn't on but the problem is, by the time you get to the cinema,
0:18:30 > 0:18:33you feel it'd be rude to leave without seeing something
0:18:33 > 0:18:36so I managed to convince myself, for the next 90 minutes,
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I wanted to watch Alvin And The Chipmunks 2.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- The Squeakquel. - LAUGHTER
0:18:43 > 0:18:45I went up to the desk and said, "I will have one, please,
0:18:45 > 0:18:49"for Alvin And The Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52"I have not seen the first one, I do imagine I will pick it up."
0:18:52 > 0:18:54She said, "One?" And I said, "Yeah, one."
0:18:54 > 0:18:56She said, "You do know it is Orange Wednesday, don't you?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58"It's two for one."
0:18:58 > 0:19:00I said, "That is not much help for me. I am one.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03"What do you expect me to do with the second ticket?"
0:19:03 > 0:19:05She said, "You could offer it to someone else."
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I said, "Look, people already think I am weird.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10"If I was to stalk the foyer brandishing a ticket
0:19:10 > 0:19:14"for Alvin And The Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"show me who would like to come and sit next to me?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20"If anything, I think that is going to make matters worse,
0:19:20 > 0:19:21"thank you very much!"
0:19:21 > 0:19:23I left, I thought, "I'll go and get food,"
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I went to Wagamama, and they've got the long benches,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29I thought it'd be fine, I'd sit on the end of a long bench on my own.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I sat down and a group of three came in.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34She decided to set them two opposite me,
0:19:34 > 0:19:37one next to me to create a square.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42I said, "What are you doing? This is the most awkward thing that has ever happened!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44"This isn't Tetris."
0:19:44 > 0:19:45LAUGHTER
0:19:46 > 0:19:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:53You have been absolutely lovely. Thank you very much, Apollo. Cheers.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55My name is Josh Widdicombe, good night!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Widdicombe!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06CHEERING
0:20:06 > 0:20:07Woo!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Ladies and gentlemen,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15your next act this evening is an absolutely fantastic stand-up.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19I have worked with her a lot. You are absolutely going to love her.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Will you please give a warm welcome to the stage
0:20:21 > 0:20:24to the brilliant Shappi Khorsandi!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Hello, Apollo!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47CHEERING
0:20:47 > 0:20:50I am one of two children. I have a big brother.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53There is a year between me and my brother
0:20:53 > 0:20:55and we're REALLY competitive.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58It took me years to beat his Pac-Man score
0:20:58 > 0:21:01and when I did, he chased me out the house, down an alleyway,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04wrestled me to the ground, gave me an almighty Chinese burn,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07completely ruined my wedding dress.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14It is not that easy to be the big brother, the big sibling,
0:21:14 > 0:21:18because there is a lot of expectations when you're the older one. I understand that.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21My brother, at the age of five, would draw a picture
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- and my dad would go... - IRANIAN ACCENT:- "What is this?
0:21:24 > 0:21:25"A house. And this is..."
0:21:25 > 0:21:29He is foreign. "And this is the family.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31"Why am I taller than the trees?
0:21:31 > 0:21:35"If the sun was that close, we would all be burnt alive.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37"You have to work much harder than this
0:21:37 > 0:21:41"if you want your work to make it to the fridge."
0:21:41 > 0:21:42LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:46You see, I think it is important to screw kids up.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52Not loads, just enough for them to become interesting adults.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54I have a little boy, and he's three,
0:21:54 > 0:21:57and I don't think I screw him up but I must do,
0:21:57 > 0:21:58because I am a mother.
0:21:58 > 0:22:03I am a single mum and I had a boyfriend round at Christmas -
0:22:03 > 0:22:06it turns out some boyfriends really are just for Christmas!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08LAUGHTER
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I was like, "You will not meet my child until we are solid."
0:22:11 > 0:22:14And the chap would come round while my son was sleeping
0:22:14 > 0:22:17and he would be gone in the morning before my son woke up,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19but my like being my luck, they ended up meeting
0:22:19 > 0:22:22in the hallway of my home at three o'clock in the morning,
0:22:22 > 0:22:25both needing the loo, both naked.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31And in a panic, this man said to my son, "Hello, I'm Father Christmas."
0:22:33 > 0:22:36And my little boy said, "But he was here last night!"
0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER, GROANS
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Sometimes you get so proud of your kids
0:22:45 > 0:22:49because they display kindness and sensitivity
0:22:49 > 0:22:52that, frankly, they didn't learn from you.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I went into a shop with my little boy
0:22:55 > 0:23:00and the shopkeeper was two inches taller than my three-year-old.
0:23:01 > 0:23:06My little boy was beside himself to say something,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09absolutely beside himself, but he knew instinctively not to.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12He just looked at the guy, looked me, looked at the guy,
0:23:12 > 0:23:16and the bloke was brilliant, he was obviously used to children reacting to him in this way,
0:23:16 > 0:23:20so he was chatting away to my boy and my boy was like, "A grown-up, my size?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23"I am going to tell him EVERYTHING!"
0:23:23 > 0:23:27And he did, he was like, "My name is Charlie, I live with my mummy,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30"I see my daddy at the weekend, we have a cat called Lola
0:23:30 > 0:23:32"and a dog called Benjamin Petanyahu."
0:23:32 > 0:23:34LAUGHTER
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I thought of that name.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41And when we left the shop, my little boy walked as fast
0:23:41 > 0:23:45as his little legs would carry him to be out of earshot.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48And he went, "Mummy, Mummy, come over here, Mummy!"
0:23:48 > 0:23:50And I said, "Oh, what is it, darling?"
0:23:50 > 0:23:55And my little boy said, "Mummy, that man was LITTLE!"
0:23:57 > 0:23:59And I was like, "Yes, darling, yes, he was little."
0:23:59 > 0:24:03"Why was he so LITTLE?!"
0:24:03 > 0:24:09And I thought, "What a glorious moment I am about to share with my son,
0:24:09 > 0:24:14"because he is now at an age where he notices difference
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"and I can explain to him now that people might look different
0:24:17 > 0:24:21"and they might sound different but we all matter equally
0:24:21 > 0:24:24"and inside we are all the same."
0:24:24 > 0:24:29What a beautiful chat I didn't have.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31I didn't say that to him.
0:24:31 > 0:24:36In that moment, I said, "Because he didn't eat his broccoli."
0:24:36 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:39APPLAUSE
0:24:40 > 0:24:42No-one is proud here.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Recently, my brother said,
0:24:44 > 0:24:49"You have been separated for ages now, you need to find yourself a new fella,
0:24:49 > 0:24:53"why don't you go on the internet?" Cos he found his girlfriend on the internet,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I think it was eBay.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER
0:24:56 > 0:25:00So I joined an internet website and to my surprise,
0:25:00 > 0:25:02on the online form that you had to fill in,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05one of the things you had to tick to see who you wanted
0:25:05 > 0:25:07was racial preference and it said,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10"White Caucasian," three boxes, "Not Important,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13"Decidedly Important, Absolutely Crucial."
0:25:13 > 0:25:15I thought, "That is a little bit weird,"
0:25:15 > 0:25:18because your photo is up there in the first place,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21so you can just be racist in private, why hurt anyone's feelings?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23So I want to show you this.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27I wrote an e-mail to the administrator of this website.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I wrote an e-mail, basically, in a nutshell, going,
0:25:31 > 0:25:34"What are you on, mate?" And he wrote back going,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37"The choices we provide on our matching algorithms..."
0:25:37 > 0:25:39I had to look that word up.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Nothing to do with sex.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42LAUGHTER
0:25:42 > 0:25:46"..are for our users to find the perfect match.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51"They are in no way indicative of someone being racist at all."
0:25:51 > 0:25:54White Caucasian, Absolutely Crucial.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58So I wrote back going, "Shut up," bit more coherently than that.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00And then he wrote back and said,
0:26:00 > 0:26:04"Some people are more stringent than others
0:26:04 > 0:26:06"when it comes to finding a partner."
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Doesn't that sound like a real dig at me?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12Like, "Oh, you'd shag any old colour."
0:26:12 > 0:26:14LAUGHTER
0:26:15 > 0:26:19"We merely help them find the right person by enabling them
0:26:19 > 0:26:24"to measure height, weight, occupation, level of income and ethnicity."
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Thing is, height, weight, occupation, level of income,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29they are all things that can be measured.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31How do you measure ethnicity?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34I had no idea how to measure my own when I was filling out the form.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36I had to look on a Dulux colour chart.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Turns out, I am Natural Calico.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41LAUGHTER
0:26:41 > 0:26:45This correspondence went on for quite a while.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Tell me if you think I went too far -
0:26:47 > 0:26:52eventually, I sent him a copy of the Nuremberg Race Laws.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54LAUGHTER
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I'm not saying that this website is a Nazi organisation,
0:26:57 > 0:27:00I just think we should nip things in the bud at source.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02LAUGHTER
0:27:02 > 0:27:05He wrote back to me and said, "Dear Shappi,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08"I have enjoyed our correspondence.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12"I have now noticed your name is Shappi Khorsandi.
0:27:12 > 0:27:19"Might you be the same I saw on the Michael McIntyre Comedy Roadshow?"
0:27:19 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:23"If so, I am single..."
0:27:23 > 0:27:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:27 > 0:27:28CHEERING
0:27:31 > 0:27:34"..and I wondered if you'd like to go for a coffee."
0:27:34 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Listen to this. "Won't this be a funny story to tell our kids?"
0:27:40 > 0:27:42LAUGHTER
0:27:42 > 0:27:44"Smiley face."
0:27:44 > 0:27:46LAUGHTER
0:27:46 > 0:27:49I wrote back. I said, "Thank you so much for your e-mail,
0:27:49 > 0:27:51"I am very flattered.
0:27:51 > 0:27:56"However, I have noticed your name is James Chaudri.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59"Little bit too brown for me.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02"Natural Calico only."
0:28:02 > 0:28:05You've been a marvellous crowd!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07You've been ace, thank you so much!
0:28:07 > 0:28:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- Thanks for that, well done. - Mwah!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Shappi Khorsandi!
0:28:17 > 0:28:18CHEERING
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Ladies and gentlemen, you have been absolutely wonderful.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24A big round of applause for Josh Widdicombe...
0:28:24 > 0:28:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:28- ..Shappi Khorsandi! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:31I've been Jack Whitehall, good night!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:44 > 0:28:47E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk