0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:24please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O Briain!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Lovely stuff! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Welcome to Live At The Apollo. Are you in good form?
0:00:45 > 0:00:46- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:00:46 > 0:00:48This is a proper gig, ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51this isn't like your TV show where we can take things again or...
0:00:51 > 0:00:53If something goes weird, we've got to go with it.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55This is live stand-up, this is the joy of live stand-up,
0:00:55 > 0:00:58you've just got to commit to the craziness no matter what
0:00:58 > 0:01:01face you see in the crowd or what weird thing gets shouted out.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03It's a proper gig, it's one of the joys of doing this.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05There are very few things in the arts in which
0:01:05 > 0:01:07you've just got to commit to it.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08In a play you've got to stick to the script,
0:01:08 > 0:01:10you're in a band you've got a setlist,
0:01:10 > 0:01:13if you're a comedian you've just got to change everything.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Very few things in life where
0:01:14 > 0:01:17you have to just commit to it! One thing - one thing in life.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20When you rent a car in a foreign country.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Where they drive on the other side of the road.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25And you're fecked if you're taking any instruction from the kid
0:01:25 > 0:01:26who gives you the keys,
0:01:26 > 0:01:31cos he's 17 and you've been driving longer than he's been alive.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32So, let's go, Mary,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34the first place you're driving is a roundabout to a motorway,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37and you don't even know which way round the roundabout
0:01:37 > 0:01:38they drive in this country.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41But you're going to go for it, so let's get into gear -
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Jesus, where's the gear stick? Why's the window going down?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47It's here, what's it doing here? What are you doing here? No, abort, abort!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Get off the roundabout!
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Any exit, that one. Oh, Jesus, we're back at the airport, it's yer man.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Head down, head down...
0:01:55 > 0:01:57LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:01:59But you've just got to go for it, ladies and gentlemen,
0:01:59 > 0:02:00that's the joy of it.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04It's a pleasure to be here with so many people from around the world.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08It is all human life gathered here. Both extremes of human achievement.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Five medallists from Team GB
0:02:10 > 0:02:12are in the audience tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14CHEERING
0:02:21 > 0:02:26But also, half the cast of Made In Chelsea, so essentially...
0:02:26 > 0:02:28MIXED CHEERS AND BOOS
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Why, the universe is in balance here, isn't it?
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I've... Listen now, I'm very proud. Well done, you guys. Congratulations.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I'm Irish, obviously, so it's kind of secondary pride
0:02:38 > 0:02:41in how well you all did. Are there any Irish people in?
0:02:41 > 0:02:44CHEERING Good to have a few in.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47More Irish will be arriving over in the next little while.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Things a little tight for cash in Ireland at the moment.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Many Irish may be arriving on your shores.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54Beware, by the way.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58It's been a very IT-type economy in Ireland for the last while.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Not been a lot of building work done by these people,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03but they will take the work. LAUGHTER
0:03:03 > 0:03:06In fact, they will stand on your doorstep and go,
0:03:06 > 0:03:07"Oh, yeah, we'll do that. No problem.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"Oh, we'll lift that and we'll move that and we'll take that over
0:03:10 > 0:03:14"and we'll rise it up. No problem at all, we'll get that done for you.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16"Don't you worry, we'll get that done, no problem at all.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19"Google it. Google it for Jesus' sake!"
0:03:19 > 0:03:22"There's bound to be a website somewhere with that information."
0:03:22 > 0:03:25"Ha-ha-ha. I don't know, translate it FROM Polish."
0:03:25 > 0:03:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:27 > 0:03:28You...
0:03:31 > 0:03:36You will be crying out for the Poles in about a year's time
0:03:36 > 0:03:40when you see the mess we're about to make of your houses.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Ho-ho, it's funny the first time you flush the toilets
0:03:43 > 0:03:48and the lights go off, but eventually that joke wears thin, right?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50In about a year's time, every DIY store in the UK,
0:03:50 > 0:03:55every Wickes, every Homebase, every B&Q
0:03:55 > 0:04:01is going to be rammed with Irish "builders" trying to describe tools
0:04:01 > 0:04:05they vaguely remember from a generation ago.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06LAUGHTER
0:04:06 > 0:04:11"Do you have anything that'll make wood shorter?"
0:04:11 > 0:04:13LAUGHTER
0:04:14 > 0:04:19"I have a gap and a plank and I can't quite get the plank into the gap!
0:04:19 > 0:04:23"While I have you there, I have a tin of paint and a wall.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25"How do I transfer the paint from the tin?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29"I have tried smearing it, I have tried lifting...
0:04:29 > 0:04:33"In my mind, there's a thing like a Jedward's head. Do you have...?"
0:04:33 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:38You can just dip it in and run along the wall.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Who else is here, who else is here?
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Would you look at David Seaman? A pleasure to have you here, sir.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Looking fantastic. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Despite my love of Mr Seaman on a club level for many years,
0:04:50 > 0:04:55may I compliment you on the tight leather jacket you're wearing
0:04:55 > 0:04:57and the way you've ruffed your hair.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58You've come in fancy dress
0:04:58 > 0:05:01as "the male menopause". Good to have you here.
0:05:06 > 0:05:11Difficult. It's difficult as a man, ageing is no picnic for us, ladies.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15All we have to look forward to as we drift into our fifties is buying
0:05:15 > 0:05:17a pair of leather trousers and hanging around the back
0:05:17 > 0:05:22of a lap dancing club going, "Please, Aurora, this is real!"
0:05:23 > 0:05:25"But, Starburst, this could work."
0:05:25 > 0:05:27LAUGHTER
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Starburst, by the way is a top-quality name for a lap dancer.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34She did not make a penny while she was called Opal Fruits.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36But the minute...
0:05:36 > 0:05:39The minute she changed her name, the cash came rolling in.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41That's the thing about lap dancing names, if you ever,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44and I hope you never have to, but if you ever have to pick
0:05:44 > 0:05:48a lap dancing name, confectionary can go either way.
0:05:48 > 0:05:54"On the main stage - Candy, Candy on the main stage.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57"And on the second stage - Double Decker.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00LAUGHTER
0:06:00 > 0:06:03"Performing for you tonight."
0:06:03 > 0:06:04Rappers have the thing as well.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Cos we've got some rappers in tonight,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I know we've got Wretch Three-Two somewhere in the house.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10CHEERING
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Good to have you here, Wretch.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Some people, like idiots, call him Wretch Thirty-Two.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Because that's how you pronounce a three and a two
0:06:19 > 0:06:20when they're next to each other.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25You think you can change maths. No, you can't, Wretch.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28That's the way it works, and has for thousands of years,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30WRETCH THIRTY-TWO.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I've got no problem with you, Wretch, you're doing great work.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Would never publically acclaim you because
0:06:34 > 0:06:36that would kill your career in a second.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Wretch, the choice of the bigger Irishman.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Nevertheless, you're doing very good work, but the names are mad.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43You've got to admit, in that industry it is crazy.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47It is ludicrous. They're all called Tabletop or Hedgerow.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50I was on The Jonathan Ross Show during the year,
0:06:50 > 0:06:52and there was a guy on called Labrinth.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54You've all probably heard of Labrinth by now,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57but this was his debut appearance.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59So Labrinth was walking around in his pink skinny trousers
0:06:59 > 0:07:02and hipster glasses, and all we heard all day was,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"Look, there's Labrinth, here comes Labrinth,
0:07:04 > 0:07:05"has Labrinth done his sound check?
0:07:05 > 0:07:07"My God, where's Labrinth?"
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I was in make-up at one stage with Labrinth behind me, going,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12"Jeez, there's Labrinth", and then they call Labrinth out,
0:07:12 > 0:07:14there goes Labrinth, bye-bye, Labrinth.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17All we heard was bloody Labrinth for the entire day.
0:07:18 > 0:07:25And as he leaves, the make-up lady turns to me and goes,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"What a dreadful name...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31"..to give a child."
0:07:34 > 0:07:35APPLAUSE
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Ah, no, pet, he wasn't christened Labrinth,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45that's his rapper name, they all have silly rapper names.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I don't think when Plan B was born...
0:07:48 > 0:07:49LAUGHTER
0:07:57 > 0:07:59That his parents went, "Well, we wanted a couple more years
0:07:59 > 0:08:04"travelling, but we love our Plan B, don't we?"
0:08:11 > 0:08:14So, one of the things when you're touring, like a comic or whatever,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17you do stories over and over again and get some audience messing around,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19and you have a bit of craic with that.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Sometimes, you have to retire something. Sometimes, you've got to
0:08:22 > 0:08:25knock a routine on the head because it's just... It's been won.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Some audience member has just nailed it
0:08:27 > 0:08:31and nothing will ever be as perfect... I was in Killarney, right,
0:08:31 > 0:08:35and I had a routine about stupid things you do on your holidays,
0:08:35 > 0:08:36where I'd ask the audience,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39"What's the stupidest thing you've ever done on holiday?"
0:08:39 > 0:08:41This guy gave an answer that I frankly...
0:08:41 > 0:08:43You know, I should've given him a diploma at the end of it,
0:08:43 > 0:08:45cos it was such a sweet, beautiful, perfect...
0:08:45 > 0:08:48It was lovely as a short thing. And comedians love brevity.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51We love that beautiful... It's like Twitter.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I love Twitter, mainly because it's allowed up to 40,000 people
0:08:54 > 0:08:59to contact me directly and tell me I look like Gru from Despicable Me.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01LAUGHTER
0:09:05 > 0:09:08We love a bit of brevity. So I'm chatting to this audience member...
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I'll give you an example. I would ask the audience,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12"What is the most stupid thing you've done on your holidays?"
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Throw out the first line. Stupidest thing you've done on holiday?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Lost my passport. - Lost passport.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Brilliant first example. Standard kind of answer. Give me another one.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Had sex with a man! - Had sex with a man.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26LAUGHTER
0:09:30 > 0:09:34A surprisingly common response.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37And, if you're gay, actually not that weird at all.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Lost passport, had sex with a man, give me one more for the hell of it.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Bit by a donkey.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45"Bit by a donkey". LAUGHTER
0:09:45 > 0:09:47That's very much the stupidest thing the donkey did,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49rather than you, if the truth be told.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52So, lost a passport, had sex with a man, bitten by a donkey.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55It's a hell of a night out. It's a fantastic single evening.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57If you could roll that into one story,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59you're in the game here. That is fantastic.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01They're all good answers, but they could have happened anywhere.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05You could lose your passport at home, you could have sex with a man anywhere you want.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09It's on your phone, Grindr, check it out, right?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11You could go to Blackpool and have sex with a donk...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Oh, not have sex with a donkey!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:20 > 0:10:23DON'T go to Blackpool and have sex with a donkey, OK?
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Of all the things... If you take anything away from tonight's show,
0:10:27 > 0:10:31let it not be, "Oh, yeah, Blackpool - you can ride the donkeys."
0:10:31 > 0:10:33LAUGHTER
0:10:33 > 0:10:37"It's fantastic, it's out of season, not getting much work..." No, no!
0:10:38 > 0:10:41You've just got to go with this stuff when it happens.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43No, they're all fine things, grand things...
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I walked out in Killarney and I said,
0:10:45 > 0:10:47"What is the stupidest thing you've ever done on your holidays?"
0:10:47 > 0:10:50And a man in the front row just raised his hand and went,
0:10:50 > 0:10:52"Eh, I kicked an armadillo."
0:10:52 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:11:00 > 0:11:03"Why did you kick an armadillo?"
0:11:03 > 0:11:06"I dunno, he just walked out in front of me."
0:11:09 > 0:11:13He was on a nature trek... LAUGHTER
0:11:13 > 0:11:16..with a local guide sympathetically showing him the wildlife.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Literally, there's a man at the front with a tree going,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21"If you look up there, you can see that's the nest.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25"Let's just pull back the bush. Can you see the tracks as it walks...?"
0:11:25 > 0:11:29And he's at the back, minding his own business, and an armadillo
0:11:29 > 0:11:32walked out in front of him and he just panicked and went,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35"Argh! Jesus!" And foomph! LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Hoofed it. Properly caught it with the instep.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Foomph, fam, right?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Lifted it over a tree...
0:11:46 > 0:11:49..converted the armadillo, right?
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Now, I have no idea what I find more delicious about the story, right?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56The face of the tour guide going,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59"Don't kick the wildlife!"
0:11:59 > 0:12:02LAUGHTER
0:12:02 > 0:12:06"Was that not obvious in the general tone of what we're doing here today?"
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Or the armadillo going, "This is a bad day for me!"
0:12:12 > 0:12:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Apropos of nothing, stupidest thing I've ever done on my holiday,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Bondi Beach in Australia, went to visit, was looking at the lads on the surf boards going,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32"Look at that. Will you look at that? Fizz, fizz, fizz, fantastic,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35"would you look, that's fantastic. I can do... Look how easy...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38"They're standing on the boards. This must be a doddle.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41"I'm going to do this, I'm going to..." Went to the board rental area,
0:12:41 > 0:12:45picked out the largest board they had, ran to the water,
0:12:45 > 0:12:50with the music from Hawaii Five-0 playing in my head.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54It's amazing how quickly, with the addition of water,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56a surf board turns into a bar of soap. Floomph, foomp!
0:12:56 > 0:12:58LAUGHTER
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Gone, out of your hands.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03And then there's a moment of tension.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08Because when they rent you a surf board, they strap it to your leg.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11So when it goes, a second later,
0:13:11 > 0:13:13you go as well.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15So I picked up the board, hoping nobody spotted.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I ran back into the water again, right?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Every time I tried it, foomph, there it goes, then there it goes again.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23This went on for 20 minutes.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26It seems like a victimless crime, but the underside of a surf board
0:13:26 > 0:13:28has three bloody razor blades stuck onto it.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32For no reason other than to nick across your legs and cut you!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35After 20 minutes I looked like some weird emo chick.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40I had all these tiny nicks and bruises and blood running on my legs,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43which is a bad thing to do in the waters off Australia.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45LAUGHTER
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I was beginning to lure sharks INTO Bondi Beach.
0:13:48 > 0:13:54Like Angelina Jolie at the Oscars, one leg dangled alluringly out.
0:13:54 > 0:13:59"Come on, smell this with your big nose! You know we're here", right?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02At one stage, I ran to the water, mistimed it so the wave front
0:14:02 > 0:14:05was about this height as I came at it, right?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07When that happens - let me give you a little tip -
0:14:07 > 0:14:11the most important thing is to lift the board OVER the wave.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16Or to break the wave underneath with the pointy end of the board.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Don't do what I did.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Which is hold the board up FLAT towards the wave...
0:14:24 > 0:14:29..in an effort to somehow deflect the Southern Ocean away from myself.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Like a table tennis player, I'd just go, "F'dunk!"
0:14:32 > 0:14:34And the ocean would go, "There you go."
0:14:35 > 0:14:39I managed to harness the entire gravitational pull of the moon...
0:14:40 > 0:14:44..on to my own head - "Foomp, thunk. Ah, Jesus!"
0:14:44 > 0:14:45"Noooo! God!"
0:14:48 > 0:14:51As I'm recovering from this knock, I see a bloke, a surfer guy,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54with a board under his arm, laughing at me and I'm going,
0:14:54 > 0:14:55"You can't do that.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59"That is bad etiquette in the surfing community, to laugh at the new guy.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01"Well, screw you, I'm going to master this.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03"Look at you, I'm going to master you...
0:15:03 > 0:15:04"I'm going to LEAP!"
0:15:04 > 0:15:07And I leapt onto the board, I went, "I've got you now!"
0:15:07 > 0:15:10"Oh, Jesus! You're not as buoyant as you let on..."
0:15:10 > 0:15:12LAUGHTER
0:15:12 > 0:15:14And then you're just sitting in the water,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17with the waves just lapping in and out...
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Looking at the rest of the surfing community going, "How are you, lads?"
0:15:24 > 0:15:26"Yeah, great, great day on the waves, great day on the waves.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29"Couple of good breakers out there at the moment,
0:15:29 > 0:15:30"might take a bit of a break myself,
0:15:30 > 0:15:34"cos I'm a bit weak from the blood loss at this stage."
0:15:34 > 0:15:37And I'm looking at your man, I don't want to leave the water
0:15:37 > 0:15:40cos he's there and he's in tears laughing at this stage,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42just this guy pointing at me and doubled over,
0:15:42 > 0:15:44and I go, "I've got to walk past you."
0:15:44 > 0:15:47And I pick up the board, I just walk past your man,
0:15:47 > 0:15:51and I do the only thing you can do in this situation,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53I just kind of go, "Uhhh", like that.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56The universal kind of "Uhhh."
0:15:56 > 0:15:59And I vividly to this day remember, your man just looks at me
0:15:59 > 0:16:02and in the thickest accent I have ever heard in my life
0:16:02 > 0:16:03just goes "Ah, Jesus, Dara -
0:16:03 > 0:16:07"we Irish are shite at surfing, did you not know that?"
0:16:07 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Right. We, tonight, have a spectacular show,
0:16:18 > 0:16:21a stellar show, a lovely show. two fabulously gifted comedians
0:16:21 > 0:16:23are going to come out here and blow your socks off.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25It's going to be amazing, ladies and gentlemen.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Are you in the mood to hear our first act tonight?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Ladies and gentlemen, please raise the roof
0:16:33 > 0:16:36for the very beautiful, the very gifted, the very wonderful
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Nina Conti.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Hello, everybody.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Well, I'm a ventriloquist.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59So I'm going to cut the crap and introduce you to my monkey
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Come on out, Monk, we're here. 1, 2, 3, hop!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Hello!
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- Hello! Come on, let's get rid of this shit.- Yeah.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- There's no going back. - No, there's no going back.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- So, uh...- What's that on your face?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17On my face? My microphone.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Where's mine?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21LAUGHTER
0:17:21 > 0:17:24APPLAUSE
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- You haven't got one, Monkey. - Well, that screws up the illusion!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- So, um...- So!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- What you gonna do?- I dunno, do you want to tell some jokes?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Why did the monkey cross the road?
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Because he saw you standing behind him, rolling up your sleeve.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:17:45 > 0:17:46That's horrible!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I'm sorry about that.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I want freedom from you.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- Really? - Yeah, I hate this vicarious life.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I don't even have my own problems, I have yours.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I can't sleep at night, I'm so worried about your mortgage.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08- I'm sorry!- I want freedom!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I have, of late, but wherefore I know not,
0:18:10 > 0:18:12lost all my mirth.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Forgone all custom of exercise, indeed,
0:18:14 > 0:18:18- it goes so heavily with my disposition...- What's this?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20I don't know, just some shit I wrote
0:18:20 > 0:18:22when I was locked in a room with a typewriter.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:25 > 0:18:28That was weird! So, um...
0:18:28 > 0:18:31I just, I want freedom, you know?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34I want to be like you. Hoo-hoo.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38And I think you need to become whole,
0:18:38 > 0:18:42stop expressing yourself through a furry monkey, it's weird.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- What do you suggest?- I suggest you let me control you.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Just follow my instructions.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Right, so what do I do?- Get the bag.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55OK. Here it is.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Now what?- Get in the bag.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- In the bag?- OK, put me in the bag.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- They'll miss you.- It's OK, I'll still be here.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Cos she's shit without me.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- LAUGHTER - Monkey!
0:19:09 > 0:19:10What do I do now?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Put me in. Now, take your hand out of me.
0:19:13 > 0:19:18- OK.- Oh, sweet Jesus, it feels nice and nasty at the same time.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- All right, my hand's out, now what do I do?- Take your hand out the bag.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- I don't want to.- Go on.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Force yourself.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- Don't you like me naked?- No!
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- It's very disturbing! - But it's very deconstructive!
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- But I miss the monkey.- I am the monkey, you schizophrenic bitch.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- What do I do?- Talk to the hand.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53- I don't want to.- Put the bag down.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56I feel very exposed, I don't know...
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- What are you doing?- I can't tell my arse from your elbow.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02LAUGHTER
0:20:02 > 0:20:04I don't know if I can continue with this,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- it's doing my head in. - OK, put this hand down
0:20:07 > 0:20:09by your side.
0:20:09 > 0:20:10But I'm still here.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14Where are you now?
0:20:14 > 0:20:15I'm in your mind.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20All right, monkey, the laughter's got a bit uneasy.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22It's OK, you'll still get paid.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24LAUGHTER
0:20:24 > 0:20:28- I feel vulnerable!- Are you ready for the final step?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I'm not sure, what's the final step?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32I'm going to get on your face.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34OK, monkey, I don't like the sound of that.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35- Stay where you are.- Here I come!
0:20:35 > 0:20:39- Here I come.- No, stay where you are! - Here I come, here I come, here I am!
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Oh, at last, I'm in the stupid cow!
0:20:43 > 0:20:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Ah-ha! You'll all a bit freaked out now, aren't you?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53It's quite a sweet voice on a little monkey
0:20:53 > 0:20:56but with tits it's bloody sinister!
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Thank you very much, that was Monkey!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Thank you!
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Thank you.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13I just wondered, would you tell me your name?
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Louisa.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Would you join me on the stage, please, Louisa, for a second?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Could we give it up for Louisa?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Thank you so much, Louisa, come here and stand in the middle.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Can you tell us what you do? - I'm a projects manager.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39You're a projects manager, excellent.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Would you stand on my left there?
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I'm just going to give you a slight makeover, which...
0:21:45 > 0:21:48It's going to take the heat off you and you don't have to worry
0:21:48 > 0:21:51so much about what you say and everything, all right?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53LAUGHTER
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I'm just going to put this on...
0:22:01 > 0:22:02OK, Louisa, how are you doing?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05'Oh, I'm loving it!'
0:22:05 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- 'Oh, this is magical!' - It's magic?
0:22:10 > 0:22:12'It's a magical night!'
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I'm so glad, come forward a little bit.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16So, um, so you...
0:22:17 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER
0:22:18 > 0:22:21'Ha ha! Oh, my goodness!'
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- So...- 'I'm so glad I sat in the front row.'
0:22:25 > 0:22:29- 'I wear a jumper on all occasions.' - You do?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34'I'm the coldest-blooded person in the room!'
0:22:36 > 0:22:37'Ha-ha-ha! I really am!
0:22:37 > 0:22:40'Ha-ha-ha! Oh, God!'
0:22:41 > 0:22:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:45 > 0:22:46'Oh, my head!'
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Is your head all right?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50'Yeah, yeah, yeah, my head's fine.'
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- OK...- 'I like to shrug,'
0:22:52 > 0:22:53Yes, I noticed.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55'It's my natural body language.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57'Oh! There it goes again!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59'Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:22:59 > 0:23:03'I'm just looking at my feet, making sure they're still there...'
0:23:03 > 0:23:06'Yeah, I feel carried away, I feel liberated.'
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- 'Itchy arm.'- Yes.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:12 > 0:23:13So, tell me...
0:23:13 > 0:23:16'Oh, what a nightmare, but I love it.'
0:23:16 > 0:23:18So, what brought you here tonight?
0:23:18 > 0:23:21'Well, it wasn't actually the comedy.'
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- No? - 'No, I saw a fit guy in the queue.'
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Really?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27'Yeah, I did, I saw one,'
0:23:28 > 0:23:30That's lovely, can you see him from here?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33'I couldn't get the seat next to him.'
0:23:33 > 0:23:35No, but is he round about here?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37'Yeah, he's somewhere here.'
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Show me. Which one is he?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:42 > 0:23:44'I'm just looking for him, where did he go?'
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Which one, do you want to point to him?
0:23:48 > 0:23:49'Yeah, let's see.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Where's he gone?'
0:23:53 > 0:23:55It could have been any of these guys, right?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58'Yeah, well, no, it wasn't one of them.'
0:23:58 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:01 > 0:24:03'No, it wasn't one of them.'
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- OK, was it one of these guys? - 'Yeah, it was him.'
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Which one? That one?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08'The green T-shirt.'
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- Him?- 'Yeah, that's him.'
0:24:10 > 0:24:11You found him?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13'That's the one, get him up here.'
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- Will you come up here? - 'Get him up here now!'
0:24:17 > 0:24:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:19 > 0:24:21- 'Oh, this is exciting!'- It's nice!
0:24:23 > 0:24:25'I'm so glad I found him.'
0:24:25 > 0:24:27I'm glad, too, I thought it was going to take a while.
0:24:27 > 0:24:28'No, he's there.'
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Thank you for joining us.
0:24:30 > 0:24:31'Oh, isn't he lovely?'
0:24:31 > 0:24:33LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:34What's your name?
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Scott.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36'Oh, fantastic.'
0:24:36 > 0:24:37You like that?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39'Oh, it's a dreamy name!'
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- And where are you from?- Melbourne. - Melbourne?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43'Ohh! What an oxymoron!'
0:24:43 > 0:24:45LAUGHTER
0:24:45 > 0:24:47It's not exactly an oxymoron.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49'No, it's the first word that came into your head.'
0:24:51 > 0:24:52'Get a mask on him.'
0:24:52 > 0:24:54That's what I was going to do.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- 'Get on with it then.' - All right.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59'I'll just entertain the audience with my shrugs.'
0:24:59 > 0:25:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:03 > 0:25:05'And my eyebrows!'
0:25:05 > 0:25:07And your eyebrows, all right.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11So, Scott, I'm just going to give you the same treatment.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Excuse me, this is just, er...
0:25:14 > 0:25:16..the same thing.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20All right, can you...?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22She's doing well, come over close.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23'Ha-ha-ha-ha!'
0:25:23 > 0:25:25'Wow!'
0:25:27 > 0:25:29'This is fantastic!'
0:25:29 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:31 > 0:25:33'Oh, my days!'
0:25:35 > 0:25:38'This is the night of my life!'
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Come a little closer.
0:25:40 > 0:25:41'Sorry, your arms aren't so long.'
0:25:41 > 0:25:42So, erm...
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- 'Oh, she's lovely!'- She is.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48'Oh, thank you! I saw you in the queue.'
0:25:48 > 0:25:50'I saw you in the queue and all!'
0:25:50 > 0:25:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:56 > 0:25:58'If you take your jumper off
0:25:58 > 0:26:00'I'll warm you up with a nice cuddle.'
0:26:01 > 0:26:04'Aw, it would be a privilege and an honour.'
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Listen, guys, I feel a bit of a gooseberry,
0:26:06 > 0:26:07should I leave you two?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09'No, don't leave.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11'I'll get tongue-tied if you leave.'
0:26:12 > 0:26:13'Don't leave, not yet.'
0:26:13 > 0:26:16OK, all right, but I'm glad that you like each other.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18'Yes, yes, isn't that...lucky?'
0:26:20 > 0:26:21'Very lucky.
0:26:21 > 0:26:22'He's lovely.'
0:26:22 > 0:26:24'I love project managers.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27'There's nothing more exciting in my life I can think of
0:26:27 > 0:26:30'than managing a project.'
0:26:31 > 0:26:34'Oh, now, let me tell you,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36'the laughs we have.'
0:26:36 > 0:26:38OK, that's fantastic.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42'This is romantic, have you got any romantic music, Nina?'
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Yes, we can probably manage that.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- 'Oh, that'd be good.' - 'That'd be lovely.'
0:26:46 > 0:26:48ROMANTIC MUSIC
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Is that good?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51'Oh, magical.'
0:26:51 > 0:26:52'Oooh.'
0:26:52 > 0:26:54You look confused?
0:26:54 > 0:26:56'I've heard it somewhere before...'
0:26:56 > 0:26:58'In a dream maybe?'
0:27:00 > 0:27:03So, are you going to talk to each other after the show?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- 'Yes, I think we are.' - 'I think we will, yeah.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08- 'I'm looking forward to it.' - Good.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10'What the hell, I'm going to seize the day.'
0:27:10 > 0:27:12What are you going to do?
0:27:12 > 0:27:13'I'm going to get down on one knee...'
0:27:13 > 0:27:15- Really?! - 'Oh, my goodness!'
0:27:15 > 0:27:18'I'm going to get down on one knee now, like this,'
0:27:18 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:25 > 0:27:27'I'm just going to say...'
0:27:29 > 0:27:31'..I love you,
0:27:31 > 0:27:34'with your hairy jumper and your silly voice...'
0:27:35 > 0:27:37'..and your need to shrug.'
0:27:38 > 0:27:40'Will you be my bride?'
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- 'Yes, I will!'- Ohh!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44that's lovely! How lovely!
0:27:44 > 0:27:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- Are you going to kiss? - 'Yes, we are!'
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- You don't have to... - 'No, we want to kiss!'
0:27:52 > 0:27:55- I don't want you to feel pressurised... - 'No, there's no pressure!'
0:27:57 > 0:27:59- 'We really want to kiss!' - 'Yes, we do!'
0:27:59 > 0:28:01OK. Well, whenever you're ready,
0:28:01 > 0:28:02'Here I come.'
0:28:02 > 0:28:03'Here I am.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07'Here I come... Mwhaaa!'
0:28:07 > 0:28:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Well done! You were both amazing.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Thank you so much
0:28:15 > 0:28:17You can sit down - give them a huge round of applause.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Amazing, thank you so much, I was Nina, good night!
0:28:25 > 0:28:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:27 > 0:28:28Thank you.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Ladies and gentlemen, Nina Conti, one more time for Nina Conti!
0:28:49 > 0:28:52CHEERING
0:28:52 > 0:28:53How great was that?
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to bring on
0:28:57 > 0:29:00our second act tonight. Would you please raise the roof
0:29:00 > 0:29:04for the very funny Mr Danny Bhoy, ladies and gentlemen!
0:29:04 > 0:29:07CHEERING
0:29:15 > 0:29:19Hello! Hello!
0:29:19 > 0:29:20Hellooo!
0:29:20 > 0:29:22Thank you. How are you?
0:29:22 > 0:29:25CHEERING
0:29:25 > 0:29:28- So, do we have Scottish people in? Give me a cheer.- Whoo!
0:29:28 > 0:29:30It's not a call to arms, but thanks.
0:29:30 > 0:29:31"Waah!"
0:29:31 > 0:29:34"This is it! This is what we've been waiting for!
0:29:35 > 0:29:38"Wait for his word! Hold, hold...
0:29:40 > 0:29:43"We've got as far as London, Danny. All we needed was a leader!
0:29:44 > 0:29:47"Rragh! We are few, but we are strong!"
0:29:51 > 0:29:54You know, what's alarming me, from a Scottish point of view,
0:29:54 > 0:29:58is the World Cup in 2022 has gone to Qatar.
0:29:58 > 0:30:01That's in the Middle East, but it's a dry country,
0:30:01 > 0:30:03there's no alcohol allowed in Qatar.
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Knowing our luck, that'll be the one World Cup we qualify for,
0:30:06 > 0:30:10the one we can't even go and enjoy.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12You're not going to get any Scottish fans going to that.
0:30:12 > 0:30:16Can't drink for three weeks? You'll be lucky to get 11 players!
0:30:17 > 0:30:19"What, I can't drink for three weeks?
0:30:19 > 0:30:23"That's my hamstring gone. Sorry about that, boys."
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Can't drink? Unbelievable.
0:30:28 > 0:30:32You know, if you get caught drinking in Qatar, the punishment is...
0:30:32 > 0:30:34you get lashed.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37LAUGHTER
0:30:37 > 0:30:41Someone's going to have to explain to Scottish fans as soon as they get off the plane
0:30:41 > 0:30:43there's a more literal meaning to that phrase.
0:30:43 > 0:30:45Could be very confusing.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48"Scotland, welcome to Qatar.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51"Congratulations on qualifying...
0:30:51 > 0:30:53"Surprised us all.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58"But remember, if you drink here in Qatar, you will get lashed."
0:31:01 > 0:31:03"Aye, you're no wrong, mate, eh?
0:31:04 > 0:31:07"It's exactly the same back home, by the way.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11"Don't worry about it."
0:31:11 > 0:31:14"No, Scotland, I don't think you understand,
0:31:14 > 0:31:16"if you drink, you will get beaten by the police."
0:31:20 > 0:31:23"It's exactly the same back home, mate, exactly the same,
0:31:23 > 0:31:25"don't worry about it."
0:31:31 > 0:31:36You know, you can't use offensive language in Qatar in public either.
0:31:36 > 0:31:37You can't swear in public.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40You're at a football game, how's that going to work?
0:31:40 > 0:31:43Something happens on the pitch you don't like,
0:31:43 > 0:31:45"Referee!
0:31:47 > 0:31:48"That's...
0:31:50 > 0:31:52"That's a terrible decision.
0:31:53 > 0:31:57"Yeah, you're a...you're a bad man!
0:31:57 > 0:32:01"You heard. You, you could use my spectacles."
0:32:05 > 0:32:09Qatar gets temperatures of up to 50 degrees in the summer.
0:32:09 > 0:32:13How do you describe that kind of heat if you can't swear?
0:32:15 > 0:32:17Right?
0:32:17 > 0:32:20APPLAUSE
0:32:20 > 0:32:21What do you do?
0:32:21 > 0:32:25Walk out your front door and go, "Oh!
0:32:25 > 0:32:27"Have sex with me, it's hot."
0:32:31 > 0:32:33"That's fatherless child hot."
0:32:36 > 0:32:41Last year I was in Australia.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44- There are some Australians in, right?- Whoo!
0:32:44 > 0:32:47I was in the far northwest, a place called Karratha.
0:32:47 > 0:32:51A very dry, dusty, very hot, fatherless child hot.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57I checked into a motel. I was doing a big tour of mining towns.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59Yeah, oh, living the dream.
0:33:01 > 0:33:07I checked into a motel. A motel is like a hotel in the same way a McDonalds is like a restaurant.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09LAUGHTER
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Checked into this motel, it's about one o'clock in the morning,
0:33:12 > 0:33:15I turn on the light, this is a true story, I turn on the light.
0:33:15 > 0:33:20There's a lizard on the wall, about that size. This thing.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30At first I thought it was an ornament,
0:33:30 > 0:33:33but it's neck, breathing, it's, you know...
0:33:35 > 0:33:39I thought well that's... I can't sleep.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41With that...
0:33:41 > 0:33:44So I'll just, I'll have to change rooms.
0:33:45 > 0:33:46So I phoned up reception, I said,
0:33:46 > 0:33:51"Hello, I've just checked in, there appears to be a small dinosaur in my room."
0:33:52 > 0:33:55And this is what the guy said, he goes,
0:33:55 > 0:33:58"Aw, yeah, mate, yeah, yeah, yeah, mate."
0:33:58 > 0:33:59"Yeah."
0:34:01 > 0:34:03"Yeah, mate, mate, yeah, that's a gecko."
0:34:03 > 0:34:04And he hung up!
0:34:07 > 0:34:09As if that's all I wanted to know!
0:34:10 > 0:34:12I phoned back, "Hi, me again."
0:34:12 > 0:34:14"It wasn't a trivia question!"
0:34:15 > 0:34:18"I want to know what to do about the bloody gecko!"
0:34:18 > 0:34:21He said, "Mate, you can't do nothin' about the bloody geckos, mate,
0:34:21 > 0:34:24"you're bloody lucky if there's only one of them."
0:34:24 > 0:34:28"They're bloody everywhere, bloody geckos, bloody, bloody lucky if there's only bloody.."
0:34:28 > 0:34:30I don't bloody feel lucky, that...
0:34:33 > 0:34:37So I had to ignore it, I had to try, I had to just try and sleep in this motel room.
0:34:37 > 0:34:42And they've got no eyelids, these things, that's the only look they've got.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46As if you've got the problem, "What is it, what you looking at?"
0:34:49 > 0:34:51"What you looking at?" "You're staring at me."
0:34:51 > 0:34:55"It doesn't matter where I go, pal, I'll still be staring at you."
0:34:55 > 0:34:56"I've got no eyelids. None."
0:34:58 > 0:35:01So I thought, right, I'll just have to try and ignore it, right.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03So I get into the bed in this motel room.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06That's how you get into the... Have you noticed that?
0:35:06 > 0:35:12Every hotel bed in the world, why do they feel the need to tuck the sheets so tight?
0:35:14 > 0:35:16Where am I going to go?
0:35:17 > 0:35:21Has there been a spate of people falling out of hotel beds for years?
0:35:21 > 0:35:26"We need to do something about this, make sure you're tucking it in tight. Come on, get that end there."
0:35:26 > 0:35:29"Give me the stapler!" BANG, BANG, BANG.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32You can't get in, I was in Birmingham last night,
0:35:32 > 0:35:34I had to slide down from the back wall
0:35:34 > 0:35:36to get into my own bed.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41I felt like I was being faxed.
0:35:41 > 0:35:43LAUGHTER
0:35:50 > 0:35:53You get in you go, "I guess that's me for the night."
0:35:55 > 0:35:56"Probably won't be moving much now."
0:35:58 > 0:36:01"Probably won't be going what I usually do at this time of night."
0:36:02 > 0:36:04"Reading my Bible."
0:36:06 > 0:36:09It's weird, that. I'll tell you another thing about hotels.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13Why is it, in the bathroom, you know they put a hairdryer on the wall?
0:36:13 > 0:36:17You go, "That's quite handy, there's a hairdryer on the wall, ready made."
0:36:17 > 0:36:20You pick it off, it comes on automatically.
0:36:20 > 0:36:26It's got all the impact and power of an elderly relative breathing on your head.
0:36:28 > 0:36:32HE HUMS
0:36:33 > 0:36:35"Is this on?" It's on full!
0:36:37 > 0:36:39"Well, this would be ideal
0:36:39 > 0:36:41"if the look I was going for was hot and wet."
0:36:48 > 0:36:51Phone in the toilet. No-one has a phone in their toilet at home.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Where the hell did you get that idea from?
0:36:54 > 0:36:56So, anyway, sorry. So this..
0:36:57 > 0:36:59Staring at me. I've got into the bed, right,
0:36:59 > 0:37:01I thought, "Right, out of sight, out of mind, Danny,
0:37:01 > 0:37:05"turn out the light, just ignore it." I turn out the light.
0:37:05 > 0:37:09No-one told me this. That's when the bloody thing comes to life.
0:37:11 > 0:37:15They don't move in the light but you turn out the light, there's...
0:37:15 > 0:37:17That's it running across the wall.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19I turn on the light and it's, you know...
0:37:21 > 0:37:23APPLAUSE
0:37:23 > 0:37:25And again, looking all innocent,
0:37:25 > 0:37:28you know, "What is it? What is it? What are you looking at?"
0:37:28 > 0:37:29"What do you mean, what am I looking at?
0:37:29 > 0:37:32"You were there. You're now there. We both know you've moved, pal."
0:37:32 > 0:37:35"You can't prove it, you can't prove anything."
0:37:35 > 0:37:37"Well, just stay there, right?"
0:37:37 > 0:37:40And every time, turning and it's somewhere else.
0:37:40 > 0:37:44Worst night sleep I've ever had. The worst bit was when I...
0:37:44 > 0:37:48I turned on the light, this is about four o'clock in the morning.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51I can't see it. Can't see the bloody thing.
0:37:51 > 0:37:56Where is it? I can't see it, no, right, it's gone, I think it's gone.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58Wherever it is, it's gone. Get back into the bed...
0:38:00 > 0:38:03I'm just about to turn out the light.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05I look up. It's on the ceiling.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09And this is a motel, so the ceiling's there and it's...
0:38:11 > 0:38:15And I screamed, oh, I've never screamed like that before.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17"Aaagh!"
0:38:17 > 0:38:18It drops...
0:38:19 > 0:38:21..from the ceiling onto my chest.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24And it's sitting on my chest like that.
0:38:25 > 0:38:30But the sheets are so tight, I can't get the thing off. So...
0:38:32 > 0:38:37Do you know what I did? The weirdest defence you could possibly think of.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39I started blowing on the gecko.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47"Please get off me, you have no business here."
0:38:47 > 0:38:50Gecko's loving it. "This is lovely, this is.
0:38:52 > 0:38:55"I usually have to straddle a hairdryer for this kind of treatment."
0:39:00 > 0:39:02Where's the Australians over there, where are you?
0:39:02 > 0:39:04THEY CHEER
0:39:04 > 0:39:07Do me a favour, tell this wonderful audience
0:39:07 > 0:39:09what you call an off-licence in Australia.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11Bottle-o.
0:39:11 > 0:39:13Bottle-o, which is short for...
0:39:13 > 0:39:17- Bottle shop.- Bottle shop. I like the way you said "bottle-o" first.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19"I'm not saying bottle shop, mate, it takes too long.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22"Bottle-o, it's bottle-o. I'm not saying bottle shop!
0:39:22 > 0:39:26"Who's Mr Fancy Pants with his bottle shop?"
0:39:26 > 0:39:30It's bottle shop, but they shorten it to bottle-o, right?
0:39:32 > 0:39:34"Bottle-o, mate, bottle-o!"
0:39:34 > 0:39:37Bottle shop, they call it a bottle shop.
0:39:37 > 0:39:38I'd love to have been on the committee
0:39:38 > 0:39:40when you came up with that.
0:39:40 > 0:39:43"Right, settle down.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46"Ssh! No, listen.
0:39:46 > 0:39:47"We've got a shop...
0:39:51 > 0:39:58"Listen up, we've got a shop here with bottles in it, right?
0:39:58 > 0:40:00"We're going to need a name.
0:40:02 > 0:40:06"Any ideas? No? All right, we'll leave that one for now."
0:40:07 > 0:40:11Come back after lunch. "Right, settle down, listen up,
0:40:11 > 0:40:15"we've got two suggestions now for the shop with bottles.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17"Listen up, settle down.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20"First up...
0:40:22 > 0:40:24"Shop bottle."
0:40:28 > 0:40:30"John came up with that. Nice one, John, I like that.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32"There's nothing wrong with that, mate.
0:40:32 > 0:40:35"Shop bottle - it's got everything we need.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38"I like that, mate. Give yourself one of them, mate.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46"Listen up. Barry,
0:40:46 > 0:40:49"he's gone with bottle shop.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51"That's good too, Barry, nothing wrong with that.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54"We'll have a quick show of hands, one, two, three,
0:40:54 > 0:40:57"and bottle shop - five, six, right. Bottle shop it is.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59"Surprises me, but there you go.
0:40:59 > 0:41:01"One of those, mate. You're all right.
0:41:03 > 0:41:04"Right, next we need a name
0:41:04 > 0:41:08"for that great big barrier reef at the top of the country. Anyone?
0:41:08 > 0:41:11"Anyone? No? All right...
0:41:11 > 0:41:13APPLAUSE
0:41:13 > 0:41:18"Oh, oh, and er...
0:41:18 > 0:41:23"I've just been told there's already a South Wales in Britain,
0:41:23 > 0:41:27"so we'll need a new name for that."
0:41:35 > 0:41:37I love Australians, though, they're great people.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40I heard one of the best phrases I've heard in a long time.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43I was doing a gig in Perth, in Western Australia
0:41:43 > 0:41:46and erm, it was very hot and I was backstage
0:41:46 > 0:41:50and a guy came and said, "Can I get you anything, Danny, mate?"
0:41:50 > 0:41:52I said, "Is there any air conditioning?"
0:41:52 > 0:41:55"Aw, I'll go and check for you, mate."
0:41:55 > 0:41:57He never came back, right?
0:41:57 > 0:41:59That's not a major problem, I thought,
0:41:59 > 0:42:01but I'm on my way to the stage and I saw him
0:42:01 > 0:42:03and I said, "Oh, by the way, you forgot...
0:42:03 > 0:42:05"what happened with the air conditioning?"
0:42:05 > 0:42:08This is what he said. I hadn't heard this phrase before.
0:42:08 > 0:42:10He went, "Aww,
0:42:10 > 0:42:13"balls out, I totally forgot."
0:42:13 > 0:42:15LAUGHTER
0:42:21 > 0:42:23There's no need for that.
0:42:23 > 0:42:24Your apology is fine.
0:42:24 > 0:42:28But it's an Australian way of saying, "to be honest."
0:42:28 > 0:42:31They say, "Balls out, mate, balls out, I'm not lying to you.
0:42:31 > 0:42:33"Me balls are out, mate, I'm not lying to you,
0:42:33 > 0:42:36"look, me balls are out, look at me balls, mate, me balls are out,
0:42:36 > 0:42:38"I'm telling you the truth, mate!"
0:42:40 > 0:42:43I wonder if that's ever been transferred to a court of law.
0:42:43 > 0:42:46"Do you swear to tell the truth,
0:42:46 > 0:42:49"the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
0:42:55 > 0:42:57"I think that answers your question."
0:42:58 > 0:43:00APPLAUSE
0:43:00 > 0:43:02Thank you.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04Folks, you've been lovely.
0:43:04 > 0:43:07Thank you so much. Take care of yourselves. Cheers.
0:43:07 > 0:43:10CHEERING
0:43:10 > 0:43:11Thank you.
0:43:16 > 0:43:20Danny Bhoy, ladies and gentlemen! Danny Bhoy!
0:43:21 > 0:43:23Give it up for everyone you saw tonight -
0:43:23 > 0:43:26Nina Conti, ladies and gentlemen!
0:43:27 > 0:43:29Thanking you and you
0:43:29 > 0:43:32and Danny Bhoy as well, ladies and gentlemen!
0:43:32 > 0:43:34I've been Dara O Briain.
0:43:34 > 0:43:36This is Live at the Apollo. Thank you very much.
0:43:36 > 0:43:39Good night, see you again. Good night, folks.