0:00:18 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Kevin Bridges.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Thanks for that! Good evening.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Hello, and welcome to Live At The Apollo, yeah!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50CHEERING
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Thanks for that. Beautiful. Welcome. We're here at the Hammersmith Apollo.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57- Who's from London? Give me a cheer. - CHEERING
0:00:57 > 0:00:59That's good. I like London, nice place.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I was in a tube station in London, I seen a new thing they've got
0:01:02 > 0:01:04called Thought For The Day,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I don't know if anybody has seen this on the whiteboards.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09It says "Thought For The Day," and somebody has wrote a quote
0:01:09 > 0:01:13that says, "life is nothing more than a series of hurdles.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17"Treat each hurdle one by one and enjoy the journey in between."
0:01:17 > 0:01:19That was the thought for the day.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Nobody's that upbeat on the tube.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25I reckon we need something that reflects the climate of fear in which we live.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27"Live each day as if it's your last -
0:01:27 > 0:01:30"don't put more than a fiver on your Oyster card."
0:01:30 > 0:01:33LAUGHTER
0:01:33 > 0:01:34So, we're here. Welcome along.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38- Anyway, give me a cheer if you're not from London. - CHEERING
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Where are you from? Inverness. Beautiful, nice to see you.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44How are you finding it here in London, eh?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Wow - there's a car with a valid tax disc. Get a wee...
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Inverness? This must be beautiful, eh?
0:01:54 > 0:01:59You've got a phone signal and everything here in the beautiful capital.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01We've got some special guests in.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Who have we got? We've got some of our Team GB Olympians in the room.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Where are they?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Feel that!
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Feel the national pride you've instilled in the room there.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18CHEERING
0:02:18 > 0:02:21David Seaman's here as well. How you doing, David?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:26 > 0:02:30What do you think of the current set-up of the England national team?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34Pretty disappointing Euros, and I was gutted for you, Euro 2012.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35I bet you were(!)
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I watched that quarterfinal in a pub in Glasgow,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39with the rest of the Italians.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44John Terry's quit, as well. Don't know how we feel about that.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45CHEERING
0:02:45 > 0:02:48He gets a hard time. John Terry looks like the kind of guy,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50if he never made it as a footballer,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I reckon you would see him outside a pub in Tenerife going,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- MOCKNEY:- "You guys want a free shot tonight?"
0:03:01 > 0:03:03"What's the plan tonight, lads?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05"Coming down The Bull's Head for a free Sambuca?"
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Scottish football - don't know if you follow Scottish football, David,
0:03:11 > 0:03:13we're going through an interesting time,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Scottish football, famously a two-horse race.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18We've now lost a horse.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Scottish football's become showjumping.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Don't know if you followed that story about Rangers Football Club,
0:03:26 > 0:03:29they went into liquidation, owed a lot of people money.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I read a full list, a Scottish newspaper printed
0:03:31 > 0:03:34everybody they owed money to, and it just got surreal.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36They owed a few million to the tax people,
0:03:36 > 0:03:38another couple of football clubs were owed money,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40then you get near the bottom.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43It said £70 was owed to a local taxi company.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Yeah.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46About 60 quid to a local flower shop,
0:03:46 > 0:03:50about 60 to a newsagent, and then the one that made me chuckle -
0:03:50 > 0:03:55it said £40 was owed to a local face-painting company.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58You know when you read it a few times,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01"Does that say face-painting company?"
0:04:01 > 0:04:03The newspaper article never explained why,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05never offered any background info.
0:04:05 > 0:04:09They left that there as if that's a common modern football club expense,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12£40 to a face-painting company.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14The club are in financial meltdown
0:04:14 > 0:04:17and there's some guy running about the boardroom,
0:04:17 > 0:04:18kidding on he's a tiger.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Somebody opens the door, he's going, "Arrrgh!"
0:04:26 > 0:04:29"Will you go and wash your face, you idiot?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32"We're trying to fix these accounts here."
0:04:32 > 0:04:34"Sorry about him, lads. 40 quid he spent on that."
0:04:36 > 0:04:39"Oh, it is a cracker though, aye. Did you see his whiskers?"
0:04:41 > 0:04:42We're here, it is a free show.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46In these tough times, that's the never-ending news story, isn't it,
0:04:46 > 0:04:47the global economic downturn.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51We're in a double-dip recession. They're calling it double dip.
0:04:51 > 0:04:52I don't even know what that means.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55That used to be a good thing, didn't it, double dip.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Since when was that a negative?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01These bankers - they've ruined Dip Dabs.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07I used to think, "Oh, you got the sherbet that's orange and cherry!
0:05:07 > 0:05:09"Oh, brilliant, a double dip!"
0:05:09 > 0:05:10They've ruined it for us.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Europe are skint, America are skint,
0:05:12 > 0:05:16I hope Africa have got some good rock bands cos we need a concert.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27That's my solution - it's their round.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32They can show some appeal videos about us.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37This is Tom and Diane, from Basingstoke.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Everybody's going, "Oh, I hate these videos."
0:05:42 > 0:05:46"They always put these videos on when you're having your tea,
0:05:46 > 0:05:47"do you notice that?"
0:05:49 > 0:05:53Tom and Diane, like so many others, took out a fixed-rate mortgage.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00They now find themselves in negative equity.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08"The world can be such a cruel place.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"And only this morning I had the cheek to complain about
0:06:11 > 0:06:13"having to walk 20 miles for clean water.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15"Then you see this."
0:06:17 > 0:06:19"They're having to tell their kids
0:06:19 > 0:06:22"it's not Disneyland this year, it's Centre Parcs."
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Every time I click my fingers,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28a newly married couple from Swindon
0:06:28 > 0:06:31have a credit card application rejected.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43The old double-dip recession - that is...
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Er, anybody lost their job in the double-dip recession?
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Nope?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51London sailing through the recession.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55- POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: - "Unemployment, is that, er... Is that a Scottish thing?
0:06:57 > 0:07:01"I mean, I do know self-employment but un... Unemployment?"
0:07:02 > 0:07:04I feel for the unemployed.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06It must be tough under the coalition government
0:07:06 > 0:07:08and their proposals for the job crisis,
0:07:08 > 0:07:12these work experience programmes, creating jobs for people,
0:07:12 > 0:07:13just like normal jobs.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16The only difference being you don't get paid.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19You don't get any wages, but it's to boost your self-esteem.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21How condescending is that?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Self-esteem - that's what people need last Friday of the month.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27"Going to go and check and see if my self-esteem's in."
0:07:29 > 0:07:32"Feeling a bit low, thank the Lord it's self-esteem Friday."
0:07:33 > 0:07:35"Maybe I can finally pay these bills.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37"Hi, is that British Gas?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39"Listen, mate, I'm skint but I feel terrific."
0:07:42 > 0:07:46"I'm wondering, are you prepared to accept self-esteem?"
0:07:47 > 0:07:50"Maybe I can go on Skype and just smile at you. How's that?"
0:07:53 > 0:07:56To stop people slipping into depression, David Cameron said,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59was the reason for these work experience programmes.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Poundstretcher - they were one of the first shops to sign up.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Working in Poundstretcher for no money - that's pretty depressing.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Working in a shop where everything is worth a quid except you.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21What would David Cameron know about being unemployed?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23He's never been unemployed.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25He's never woke up at two in the afternoon.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29David Cameron's never had a packet of Flamin' Hot Monster Munch
0:08:29 > 0:08:31for his breakfast.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36He's never known the feeling of waking up at two in the afternoon
0:08:36 > 0:08:38and your only goal for the day
0:08:38 > 0:08:41is to try and piss a skid mark off the inside of your toilet.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53You know when you start seeing that as a challenge?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56"I could use the brush, but that's admitting defeat."
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"I'm going to get a glass of water, I'm going to reload here."
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Do you play any computer games, guys? Young guys in the front row?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- I bought COD. Anybody play that? COD. - CHEERING
0:09:13 > 0:09:16That's the biggest-selling computer game of all time. COD.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19It stands for Call Of Duty, I'll explain that to anybody over 40
0:09:19 > 0:09:21just in case you're confused, there.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24In case you ever get invited over for a game of COD.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28And you show up with the wrong shit.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Walk into your nephew's living room,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33start slapping people in the face.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40"Bet you never knew your uncle Eddie could play cod, lads, eh?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46"After this we'll play smoked haddock.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49"Same rules, different fish."
0:09:54 > 0:09:55"That is disgusting, Uncle Eddie."
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I played COD. Call Of Duty. It's too realistic for me.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03It's a wargame, you're in a war zone,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05it's all about destruction and death and conflict.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08See, I'm used to the old days when you played a computer game
0:10:08 > 0:10:11and your guy would die, you would just go back to the start
0:10:11 > 0:10:13and try again, because it was just a computer game.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15COD is too realistic.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17In Call Of Duty, your guy dies, you're stunned, thinking,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20"Shit, I better go and buy a poppy."
0:10:24 > 0:10:26I better go and lay a wreath for this guy.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I'm stood there, people saying, "who did you know?"
0:10:29 > 0:10:30"I knew a guy called Player One.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36"Window cleaner came to the door, I forgot to press pause."
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I moved out of my family home. I done that.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44That's a pretty big move, moved out of my family home about a year ago.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48Just getting used to that. Still learning life's harshest lessons.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51When you live on your own for the first time you learn some pretty big life lessons.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56The most recent one, Lurpak Spreadable is hard to spread.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03That was pretty difficult. That caught me off guard.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I'm stood there, lunchtime,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08making myself a cheese and onion crisps sandwich.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I had been nothing short of meticulous in my preparations.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18I'd decided how many crisps I was going to put on the sandwich,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21and how many crisps was going to keep in the packet as wee side dish.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I got my finest butter knife, commenced to spread,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32within seconds it turned sinister. My wrist nearly snapped.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I better change my technique, then. Lurpak Spreadable, it says.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43Must be me. Must be me. Somebody would have mentioned it. I'll go for rotations.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Bits of your worktop start to appear through the bread.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54My lunchtime spent in the garden eating half a packet of crisps
0:11:54 > 0:11:57and just feeding birds. "There you go."
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Even the birds are saying, "What happened to that, then, mate?"
0:12:02 > 0:12:05I've done a bit of travelling. I was on holiday, in Spain,
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I tried to learn a bit of Spanish.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I've took up languages, I bought these disks.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13You put them on an iPod, she teaches you a bit of Spanish, the voice.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17I can now say things in Spanish that Spanish people can say in English.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20That's the level I'm at - I've got the tourist stuff.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Everywhere you go as a tourist, people speak English,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26but when you've got a Scottish accent, that's very little help.
0:12:27 > 0:12:32I've been on holidays and had people translate for me into English.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38You walk into a pub and say, "Are you still serving food?"
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"Que?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- ENGLISH ACCENT:- "No, he asked you are you still serving food?"
0:12:45 > 0:12:46"Ah, si. Si, si."
0:12:52 > 0:12:53You get that shit.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I was in America, I done a gig in America, in New York,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58and after the gig a guy said to me,
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- AMERICAN ACCENT:- "Hey, hey! Hey, buddy, are you actually Scottish?"
0:13:03 > 0:13:08I said, "Yes," and he said, "Man, your English is really good."
0:13:15 > 0:13:17I got these disks, the best I've got -
0:13:17 > 0:13:19una mesa para cuatro, por favor.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23I've got tourist stuff kind of nailed, stuff you need on holiday.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25That means "a table for four, please".
0:13:25 > 0:13:26She says it a few times. She says...
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- SPANISH ACCENT:- "Una mesa...
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"para cuatro,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33"por favor."
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- POSH VOICE: - "A table for four, please."
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Then she leaves a beat and goes again, in case you're a moron.
0:13:42 > 0:13:48"Una mesa...para cuatro, por favor."
0:13:48 > 0:13:50"A table for four, please."
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Then she says it three and four times,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55and you start drifting off and imagining
0:13:55 > 0:13:59how many people have been found dead listening to these disks.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01A suicide note wrote in broken Spanish...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06"It all got too muchas."
0:14:10 > 0:14:15"Una mesa...para cuatro, por favor."
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"A table for..."
0:14:17 > 0:14:20and that's crucial knowledge, cos I know when me and three associates,
0:14:20 > 0:14:22when we walk into a restaurant in Spain,
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I can tell the head waiter is looking at us and thinking,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28"Well, I wonder what these guys want."
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Fortunately, I'm on hand to defuse the situation.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I have been thoroughly briefed. I step forward and say,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"Una mesa...
0:14:46 > 0:14:48LAUGHTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:50"..para cuatro, por favor."
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Then we get sat at a table for four,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56the guy brings the menus in Spanish and I crumble.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Everybody else is losing their minds, going,
0:15:00 > 0:15:02"What the f...? What's a hamburgeresa?"
0:15:06 > 0:15:10If you go a proper holiday, next time, go to a karaoke bar.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14This was my holiday highlight. Sit and patiently wait until a Scouser comes on the stage.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16That's a universal must-see,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19somebody from Liverpool on the mic in a karaoke bar.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Some of the finest performances you'll ever witness.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26- IN LIVERPOOL ACCENT: - # Don't call me name Don't call me name
0:15:26 > 0:15:28# Alejandro
0:15:32 > 0:15:35# I'm not your babe I'm not your babe, Fernando
0:15:35 > 0:15:40# Ale-Alejandro Ale-Alejandro
0:15:41 > 0:15:44# Ale-Alejandro
0:15:44 > 0:15:49# Baby, you're a firework... #
0:15:54 > 0:15:58The whole pub's heading for the car park thinking the fire alarm's gone off.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04What's your name? Guy in the green T-shirt?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- Scott.- Scott. What kind of music do you like, Scott.- Top 40.- Top 40.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10You like chart music. Modern music just sounds the same to me.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Makes me feel thick, modern chart music.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17# In the club, in the club In the club. #
0:16:17 > 0:16:20That's the way every song sounds to me, these days.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23# Everybody gonna Shuffle on down tonight
0:16:23 > 0:16:25# We're in the club In the club
0:16:25 > 0:16:28# In the club, in the club In the club
0:16:28 > 0:16:29# Get freaky! #
0:16:31 > 0:16:35You feel it deleting cookies in your brain, the song.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37# In the club, in the club In the club
0:16:37 > 0:16:40# Everybody in the club
0:16:40 > 0:16:41# We ain't gonna stop
0:16:41 > 0:16:44# Until... It's time to Start again, in the cl...
0:16:46 > 0:16:48# In the club, in the club. #
0:16:48 > 0:16:52And the song finishes, and you think, "Wow. I now know less stuff.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59"I've just forgot the difference between a pastoral and an arable farm."
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Ladies and gentlemen,
0:17:07 > 0:17:12this guy is a bit of a comedy hero on the scene,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14you'll have seen him on Never Mind The Buzzcocks,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16give it up for the one and only Phill Jupitus!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36I won't take me coat off, I'm not stopping.
0:17:39 > 0:17:44I'm Phill Jupitus. You may recognise me from every show on Dave.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Not saying I'm on TV too much, but the other day during a family argument
0:17:54 > 0:17:56my daughter tried to mute me with the remote.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59"Shut up, Dad."
0:18:01 > 0:18:05So, um, in a bit of a weird mood, as you can probably spot.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10My eldest daughter brought a boy home recently for the first time,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14and I think it's quite safe to say that I reacted rather badly to this incident when it took place.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19She brought the individual in question into the house
0:18:19 > 0:18:21that I paid for with money I earned...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26"All right, Dad? This is Billy."
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Yeah? Yeah, Billy?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Right. Nice. Yeah. OK. Yeah.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Billy. Billy.
0:18:37 > 0:18:42Sweetheart, go and put the kettle on, Daddy's going to talk to Billy.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45She goes to the kitchen, she doesn't realise anything's wrong,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48and I start reversing this little bastard around the house.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Cos when you're my size, you can reverse smaller men.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53They just back off you, like that.
0:18:55 > 0:19:01So eventually I get Billy into a wall. He can't go any further.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02And I'm like...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Er... William.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14If you...
0:19:14 > 0:19:17as much...
0:19:17 > 0:19:18as TOUCH her...
0:19:20 > 0:19:22..I will cut you.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28At which point, young Billy started crying.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33But that is six-year-olds for you. APPLAUSE
0:19:33 > 0:19:37Because they can't... Really... You know?
0:19:42 > 0:19:47That was the joke. This is the true version of events.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50How can I start this? OK. So.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55The other day, my wife and I had a meeting
0:19:55 > 0:19:56that I did not know was a meeting.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00I got in and there was tea and there was biscuits, and I thought,
0:20:00 > 0:20:02"Brilliant!" I sat down, "Ooh, Viscounts! I love them!"
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Didn't even take the foil off. "Oh, these are fa..."
0:20:05 > 0:20:07HE MIMICS GLUTTONOUS MUNCHING
0:20:08 > 0:20:10"Love a Viscount!"
0:20:11 > 0:20:14And she goes, "Yeah, we've got to have a chat about Emily."
0:20:14 > 0:20:17I'm like, "Yeah, all right, yeah, yeah. What's going on?"
0:20:17 > 0:20:18"She's, er...
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"She's having a sleepover on Friday."
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I should have pointed out earlier that this is
0:20:26 > 0:20:28just after my daughter had turned 16.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32That's a very important number to bear in mind.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37She said, "Yeah, Emily's having a sleepover on Friday."
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I went "Oh, right, do you want me to buy pizzas?"
0:20:39 > 0:20:43"No, no, no, no, no, no. Cos there's only one person coming."
0:20:43 > 0:20:46"Oh, right. Shall I just buy one pizza?"
0:20:46 > 0:20:47"Stop talking about pizza."
0:20:52 > 0:20:56"Erm, she's having a sleepover and it's Stephen".
0:20:56 > 0:20:57"What, the boyfriend?"
0:20:57 > 0:20:59"Yeah".
0:20:59 > 0:21:02"Well, where's he going to sleep?"
0:21:10 > 0:21:11"I-In Emily's room."
0:21:13 > 0:21:16"W-W-Where's SHE going to sleep?!"
0:21:25 > 0:21:27"She's going to sleep in her room as well."
0:21:27 > 0:21:29"What, on the floor?!"
0:21:32 > 0:21:33"Tubbs, come here."
0:21:36 > 0:21:39"Listen to me very carefully.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41"Your 16..."
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Remember that number.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47"..16-year-old daughter is having a boy stay the night."
0:21:53 > 0:21:56NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I run out into the front garden.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03"WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05"RARGHHHHH!"
0:22:08 > 0:22:13My wife's standing there going, "I think you're overreacting."
0:22:13 > 0:22:15"WHY?"
0:22:15 > 0:22:18She's like, "I don't want her losing her virginity up against a skip!"
0:22:18 > 0:22:20And I'm like, "It was good enough for us!"
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Why do you think I keep hiring them?
0:22:38 > 0:22:42She's like, "Look, remember when we were kids,
0:22:42 > 0:22:46"and we used to hang out with each other and we wished that our parents
0:22:46 > 0:22:49"had been cool enough to just let us do our own thing in our own way?
0:22:49 > 0:22:52"Well, it's your turn to be the cool parent."
0:22:52 > 0:22:55"I don't want to be the cool parent."
0:22:55 > 0:22:57HE SOBS
0:22:57 > 0:22:58"You've got to be."
0:22:58 > 0:23:00"I know I've got to be but I don't want to be."
0:23:02 > 0:23:05And so that Friday,
0:23:05 > 0:23:06that was it.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Stephen arrives.
0:23:09 > 0:23:10HE MIMICS DOORBELL
0:23:13 > 0:23:18He's a lovely kid. I've known Stephen since he was eight.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Wonderful little boy.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Not any more.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Now he is my nemesis.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35He comes in and I'm sat in the kitchen. "All right, Phill?"
0:23:40 > 0:23:42"All right?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45"I don't know, Stephen. Am I?"
0:23:52 > 0:23:54"All right, I'll see you later."
0:23:54 > 0:23:57And he goes off and they have an evening like every other
0:23:57 > 0:24:00they've ever had - they play games, they lark about.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Watch telly. And I'm sitting there in my own house.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08"I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11"I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it."
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Cos I don't want to be complicit in it,
0:24:14 > 0:24:17I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to have agreed to it,
0:24:17 > 0:24:19I don't want to be in the room when they go,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22"All right, we're going to bed now. Good night."
0:24:22 > 0:24:24I can't be in the room when that happens,
0:24:24 > 0:24:26so I go to bed earlier than normal,
0:24:26 > 0:24:2920 past six, the sun is still out.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Ice-cream vans going down the street.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Children playing football in the fields,
0:24:34 > 0:24:36the dog at the bottom of the bed, lead in his mouth,
0:24:36 > 0:24:39as I lay bolt-upright on top of the duvet in my pyjamas.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42"Not now, Chester. Daddy's sad."
0:24:47 > 0:24:51And at about half eleven, I hear them come up the stairs.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53MIMICS DAUGHTER AND STEPHEN GIGGLING
0:25:00 > 0:25:02MUFFLED GIGGLING
0:25:07 > 0:25:10For about...ten minutes, and then...
0:25:13 > 0:25:19..complete...and utter...silence.
0:25:29 > 0:25:35Madam, there is nothing in the entire world that is quieter...
0:25:38 > 0:25:42..than a 16-year-old girl shagging...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46..when her dad's next door.
0:25:50 > 0:25:55In 1974, the American defence department developed the X-Wing bomber,
0:25:55 > 0:25:58the Stealth Bomber, which to this day I believe
0:25:58 > 0:26:00was powered by the daughter of the pilot
0:26:00 > 0:26:02being in a small cabin in the cockpit.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16And they are silent..
0:26:18 > 0:26:21..FOR THREE AND A HALF HOURS!
0:26:21 > 0:26:25I HAVEN'T HAD IT FOR THREE AND A HALF HOURS
0:26:25 > 0:26:27SINCE THE MINERS' STRIKE!
0:26:27 > 0:26:31I'm going to be honest with you, the sound of Arthur Scargill's voice
0:26:31 > 0:26:33gives me a bit of a twitch to this day.
0:26:33 > 0:26:39"It has come to my attention the members of the National..." There, I felt it. I felt it.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43And that is not the bad bit. The bad bit...
0:26:45 > 0:26:48..happens two weeks later. I get in from a gig.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50I'm a creature of habit, I get in from a gig,
0:26:50 > 0:26:54I've been driving, normally, for a while, I have a beer...
0:26:54 > 0:26:58I just watch telly, I zone out, have a beer, go to bed.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02So I get in, it's about midnight, I open the fridge,
0:27:02 > 0:27:06and there, on the middle shelf of the fridge,
0:27:06 > 0:27:10are six cans of generic, supermarket lager, I think from Lidl.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15It's called Festenbrow,
0:27:15 > 0:27:18which is spelt F-E-S-T-E-N-
0:27:18 > 0:27:21B-R-O-W.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28The umlaut...is over the F.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35The mascot is a monkey in a bowler hat playing a banjo.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40It's dog lager is what it is. It's dog lager.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42And I'm looking at it...
0:27:43 > 0:27:45..and the missus is still up.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47I go, "Babe?
0:27:47 > 0:27:50"What... What is this crap doing in the fridge?"
0:27:50 > 0:27:51"I'm on telly."
0:27:54 > 0:27:57And she goes, "It's Stephen's."
0:27:58 > 0:27:59HE BARKS
0:28:01 > 0:28:04"Yes, as Stephen's spending so much time over here,
0:28:04 > 0:28:06"he thought it would be wrong of him to drink your beer,
0:28:06 > 0:28:09"so he bought his own and left it in the fridge."
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Right, right, right. I've got it, I've got it,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22because it's wrong...
0:28:27 > 0:28:30..to drink my BEER in my house?
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Yeah. Cos I imagine
0:28:35 > 0:28:39that hanging out the back of my first-born is thirsty work.
0:28:42 > 0:28:46You get parched. You get a bit thirsty. You think,
0:28:46 > 0:28:50"Ooh, a little something tasty would be nice now,
0:28:50 > 0:28:55"as I leave his daughter like some kind of slutty starfish,
0:28:55 > 0:28:57"on the bed spread-eagled.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59"I make my way downstairs,
0:28:59 > 0:29:03"pausing only to wipe my cock on his curtains."
0:29:13 > 0:29:15And THAT is why I'm in a funny mood.
0:29:17 > 0:29:21Thanks very much. Ta-ra, cheers. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:27 > 0:29:29Give it up for Phill Jupitus!
0:29:29 > 0:29:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE INTENSIFIES
0:29:32 > 0:29:33OK, ladies and gentlemen,
0:29:33 > 0:29:36are you ready to crack on with your second act of the evening?
0:29:36 > 0:29:38CHEERING
0:29:38 > 0:29:41I'm excited to see her myself. It's her Live At The Apollo debut.
0:29:41 > 0:29:44She's fantastic. Let's make some noise, give it up for
0:29:44 > 0:29:45the wonderful Sara Pascoe!
0:29:45 > 0:29:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Hello.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Hello, good evening. Are you having a good time?
0:30:02 > 0:30:04Yeah!
0:30:04 > 0:30:07I am absolutely so thrilled to be here. This is so exciting for me,
0:30:07 > 0:30:11and I love it that there's actual celebrities in the audience.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13I think that's brilliant.
0:30:13 > 0:30:16But if you are sitting next to one of them, I have to warn you.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19You do know the rules about having sex with famous people?
0:30:19 > 0:30:22The rule is...just don't have sex with famous people.
0:30:22 > 0:30:25Never have sex with a famous person.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Or, no, this is the rule -
0:30:27 > 0:30:30you should only have sex with a famous person
0:30:30 > 0:30:33if you really, really, genuinely,
0:30:33 > 0:30:35want to tell people about it afterwards.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Otherwise, there's nothing in it for you.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Like, I don't know if you've ever kissed anyone that
0:30:42 > 0:30:46you've been in love or lust with for months and years,
0:30:46 > 0:30:48and when you finally kiss them,
0:30:48 > 0:30:50and all you want to do is concentrate on it
0:30:50 > 0:30:52and live in that moment,
0:30:52 > 0:30:56and the way that they're touching you and the way that they smell,
0:30:56 > 0:30:59and instead you've got this inner monologue, like this voice,
0:30:59 > 0:31:01shouting inside your head,
0:31:01 > 0:31:04"Oh, my God!
0:31:04 > 0:31:05"I'm kissing Mr Humphries!"
0:31:09 > 0:31:13Also, I think it's very difficult to tell the difference between
0:31:13 > 0:31:16when someone is in love with you, which is like...
0:31:19 > 0:31:22..and when someone is not listening.
0:31:25 > 0:31:28How am I supposed to decide who to go to bed with?
0:31:29 > 0:31:32I do need to start being more selective.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36Currently, all of my lovers have exactly the same thing in common -
0:31:36 > 0:31:39they're all slightly more attractive than a night bus.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44That's not fussy enough, is it?
0:31:44 > 0:31:46The thing is, I'm not even very good at casual sex, right?
0:31:46 > 0:31:49I don't know if any of you are the same.
0:31:49 > 0:31:53Whenever I sleep with someone I'm not in a relationship with,
0:31:53 > 0:31:54I get this really odd...
0:31:54 > 0:31:58It's kind of like a guilty feeling in my tummy,
0:31:58 > 0:32:00and it doesn't go away,
0:32:00 > 0:32:03even when I leave their house and go back to my boyfriend's.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08Got to stick at it, I guess, keep on trying.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12The thing is, I just always want what I can't have.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16I have no interest in charity fundraisers in the street, right,
0:32:16 > 0:32:20unless they're talking to somebody else,
0:32:20 > 0:32:21in which case I will queue.
0:32:24 > 0:32:25Are you looking forward to Christmas?
0:32:25 > 0:32:28- SCATTERED CHEERS - Sort of.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32It's a very weird, creepy time for a vegetarian, right.
0:32:32 > 0:32:37Who is it who puts those little bits of bacon around the tiny sausages?
0:32:37 > 0:32:38Who is doing that?
0:32:38 > 0:32:42Cos I'm worried it's the pigs trying to put themselves back together.
0:32:45 > 0:32:49Yeah, so, I had to go to two secondary schools
0:32:49 > 0:32:51because I'm an overachiever,
0:32:51 > 0:32:55and also because I was quite badly bullied at the first one.
0:32:55 > 0:32:59Some of the other children didn't enjoy my assembly
0:32:59 > 0:33:03on the evils of factory farming, so they got together after school
0:33:03 > 0:33:06and they force-fed me a beefburger.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08Yeah. Horrific, right?
0:33:08 > 0:33:11The first time I ever talked about this was on stage.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13Because I'm well adjusted.
0:33:13 > 0:33:17It was at a new material night, and there was a girl at the front,
0:33:17 > 0:33:19her name was Rosie and she was an artist.
0:33:19 > 0:33:24And I knew that because she'd already been gobbing off so much to all of the comedians, right?
0:33:24 > 0:33:28And actually, she'd come there with another comic whose name is Chris Johnson,
0:33:28 > 0:33:33and you'll not have heard of him because he is not successful. OK?
0:33:33 > 0:33:34So, she came there with him,
0:33:34 > 0:33:38and when I said this thing about the beefburger, she pipes up.
0:33:38 > 0:33:42"Did it go up your nose?" I said, "No." She went,
0:33:42 > 0:33:46"Oh, cos it happened to me once." I was like, "Oh, right. Were you getting bullied?"
0:33:46 > 0:33:50And she went, "No, I was just eating a burger."
0:33:50 > 0:33:53I said, "Oh, right. Maybe you should write jokes about your life then,
0:33:53 > 0:33:57"it sounds hilarious." And then she went, "Um, I already have.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00"And they're a lot better than yours, more happens."
0:34:02 > 0:34:06So I was like, "Well, Rosie, if only interrupting was an artform,
0:34:06 > 0:34:08"you'd win the Turner Prize.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11"Also, talking of beefburgers, you're a bit of a cow."
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Just came up with it on the spot.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Three days later, in my bathroom.
0:34:20 > 0:34:21There's nothing I can do with that
0:34:21 > 0:34:24unless the exact same situation occurs one day,
0:34:24 > 0:34:27or if I do manage to go back in time.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Have you seen this advert?
0:34:30 > 0:34:32This is the worst ad I've ever seen.
0:34:32 > 0:34:36I saw it in a women's magazine, but I can't remember which one,
0:34:36 > 0:34:39cos they've all got different names, haven't they,
0:34:39 > 0:34:42like Look, New!, Hello!, OK!, Heat,
0:34:42 > 0:34:45but I just think they should all change their name to
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Women Getting Dressed.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Cos that's all that was in it.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Oh, look - Victoria Beckham got dressed.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Katie Holmes got dressed in blue.
0:34:59 > 0:35:03Michelle Obama got dressed. How does she find the time?
0:35:05 > 0:35:07We're an intelligent society.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09Everyone knows now that these magazines
0:35:09 > 0:35:12are just negative propaganda towards women, aren't they?
0:35:12 > 0:35:16I read this thing from cover to cover, and every article,
0:35:16 > 0:35:20everything it was saying, could be condensed down into one short quiz,
0:35:20 > 0:35:21which is basically,
0:35:21 > 0:35:25"Ladies, what do you hate most about yourself?
0:35:25 > 0:35:27"Is it A - your face?
0:35:27 > 0:35:29"Or is it B - your body?
0:35:31 > 0:35:34"Answers to the quiz. Mostly As -
0:35:34 > 0:35:37"Buy expensive make-up to cover it up
0:35:37 > 0:35:40"and expensive clothes to distract people.
0:35:40 > 0:35:44"Mostly Bs - starve yourself and go to the gym.
0:35:44 > 0:35:48"While you're there, look in one of those big mirrors.
0:35:48 > 0:35:51"Are you sure you don't hate your face?"
0:35:53 > 0:35:54So, we know the horrific things,
0:35:54 > 0:35:58but this advert was even worse than usual.
0:35:58 > 0:36:02It was for an anti-wrinkle cream that's aimed at women from 25 to 35.
0:36:02 > 0:36:04So I'm already furious.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07And then they called themselves a "pre-anti-wrinkle cream,"
0:36:07 > 0:36:08which is nonsense,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11and then the advert had been Photoshopped,
0:36:11 > 0:36:15so it had the same model on both sides, and it said,
0:36:15 > 0:36:18"your future self is giving you a high-five."
0:36:20 > 0:36:23I've never felt so patronised in my life.
0:36:23 > 0:36:28If I happen to be the first person that invents and uses time travel,
0:36:28 > 0:36:32and I get to go back and speak to a former self, a younger me,
0:36:32 > 0:36:37I'm not going to be giving her skin care tips, am I?
0:36:37 > 0:36:40But a long list of men I shouldn't have slept with.
0:36:41 > 0:36:45Yeah, he doesn't end up being nice when you get to know him.
0:36:45 > 0:36:48He's already slept with your sister, no-one told you.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51And these ones are comedians.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55This is good advice, you can listen in to this.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Don't sleep with a comedian.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01I'm talking about the boy ones, by the way.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03The girl ones are a lot of fun.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Just the boy ones. I tell you what,
0:37:05 > 0:37:07it's the kind of job you get into if you're
0:37:07 > 0:37:09compensating for something,
0:37:09 > 0:37:11so the nice ones have got very small penises,
0:37:11 > 0:37:14and the ones with big penises are psychopaths.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19We get patronised all the time.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22I noticed the other day in the supermarket
0:37:22 > 0:37:25they've started labelling food "real."
0:37:25 > 0:37:27As an adjective.
0:37:27 > 0:37:33Like "real potato chips", "real dairy ice cream", "real lemonade."
0:37:33 > 0:37:36I have never got back from Waitrose and had to go...
0:37:36 > 0:37:37SHE SIGHS
0:37:39 > 0:37:41I've bought fictional bread again.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46These choc-ices are illusory.
0:37:48 > 0:37:51Someone's made up these lemons.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54Doesn't happen. But it's that thing they do, like in Pret a Manger
0:37:54 > 0:38:00when they write on all of their stuff, "contains no unnecessary preservatives."
0:38:00 > 0:38:02That's an empty sentence.
0:38:02 > 0:38:07So, it contains preservatives, but no unnecessary ones.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10The insinuation is that Greggs down the road
0:38:10 > 0:38:13are wasting time and money having their sandwiches embalmed.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18And it's horrible when a sentence niggles at you when people say it,
0:38:18 > 0:38:22like when people go, "I'm against organised religion."
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Like it's not the homophobia that's the problem,
0:38:24 > 0:38:26but the excellent admin.
0:38:27 > 0:38:30And I hate the phrase "committed vegetarian."
0:38:30 > 0:38:32"Oh, yeah, she's a committed vegetarian."
0:38:32 > 0:38:35Cos it insinuates that there are adulterous vegetarians
0:38:35 > 0:38:40that go round the place getting off with sausages behind carrot's back.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43Kevin was talking about the double-dip recession.
0:38:43 > 0:38:46I have, I think, solved the economic crisis.
0:38:46 > 0:38:50I mean, I'm not bragging but I think I've worked it out, right?
0:38:50 > 0:38:52So, basically, debt, as I understand it,
0:38:52 > 0:38:56is caused by people borrowing more than they can afford to pay back,
0:38:56 > 0:38:58and they spend it on things they don't need,
0:38:58 > 0:39:01like clothes and shoes and nuclear weapons.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05But when you think about it, some people don't get into debt -
0:39:05 > 0:39:06children.
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Do they?
0:39:08 > 0:39:10Small, smug, in the black, children.
0:39:11 > 0:39:12So all we need to do is
0:39:12 > 0:39:16make chip and pin machines a bit more like parents,
0:39:16 > 0:39:18and then we don't have a problem.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21Because you'd go into the shop, you'd pick something out,
0:39:21 > 0:39:24put in your card and your number and it would say,
0:39:24 > 0:39:26"You've already got a coat."
0:39:31 > 0:39:33And you'd have to go and put it back.
0:39:35 > 0:39:38So you'd pick something else out, put in your card and your number,
0:39:38 > 0:39:40and it would say,
0:39:40 > 0:39:43"Sensible black ones, please, so you can wear them to school."
0:39:45 > 0:39:48So you'd have to put 'em back, so you pick something else out,
0:39:48 > 0:39:52put in your card and your number and it would say,
0:39:52 > 0:39:55"OK, you can have nuclear weapons,
0:39:55 > 0:39:58"but you've got to share them with your sister."
0:40:00 > 0:40:01No.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04Then we would have to put 'em back.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06Because our sister is France.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10She's the one we want to use them on.
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Being poor has not stopped people shopping.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16I know that because I live in Tooting,
0:40:16 > 0:40:19where people have not let being very deprived stop them
0:40:19 > 0:40:23from dressing badly in a different way every day.
0:40:24 > 0:40:26There is a fashion trend in my area
0:40:26 > 0:40:30where women wear T-shirts with more attractive women on them.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34Yeah, so there'll be acne-ridden schoolgirls
0:40:34 > 0:40:37emblazoned with Debbie Harry, in her heyday,
0:40:37 > 0:40:42very big women with Kate Moss riding around on their pendulous breasts,
0:40:42 > 0:40:47very old women, the kind that have been betrayed twice by their follicles,
0:40:47 > 0:40:51wearing both five o'clock shadow and a wig,
0:40:51 > 0:40:55and they'll have Rihanna grinding down on them inappropriately.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57When I first noticed this, I thought,
0:40:57 > 0:41:00"These women cannot be well served by the comparison."
0:41:00 > 0:41:03Like, if a gentleman was like, "Oh, hello... Urgh!"
0:41:05 > 0:41:07But then I remembered that men are stupid
0:41:07 > 0:41:10and, actually, they will find anything alluring
0:41:10 > 0:41:12if you put a sexy woman on it.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15That's the basis of all advertising ever.
0:41:15 > 0:41:19Like, these T-shirts are probably tricking men into having threesomes.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23"Oh, yeah, it was a great night, last night.
0:41:23 > 0:41:24"It was me, pop star Rihanna,
0:41:24 > 0:41:27"and a really old lady who was bald with a beard."
0:41:28 > 0:41:31The facial hair thing terrifies me.
0:41:31 > 0:41:32I'm setting up a charity,
0:41:32 > 0:41:36which is going to be where young women go into hospitals
0:41:36 > 0:41:39and pluck the faces of old women for them.
0:41:39 > 0:41:41It's going to be called Dignitache.
0:41:47 > 0:41:51Probably about now it is time that I started talking about football.
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Because I'm a feminist I quite often have to talk to men
0:41:53 > 0:41:57about football to trick them into thinking I am their equal.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00And we have footballers in, and so this is exciting that
0:42:00 > 0:42:03I get to tell you about this, because basically
0:42:03 > 0:42:04I've watched it, it's great,
0:42:04 > 0:42:07but I think the game could be livened up a bit.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10For instance, when someone gets a free kick,
0:42:10 > 0:42:13they shouldn't have to use that on the ball.
0:42:13 > 0:42:17They could use it on any of the other players or the ref.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19And when there's a substitution,
0:42:19 > 0:42:22it should be like online grocery shopping.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24"Yeah, you asked for Theo Walcott,
0:42:24 > 0:42:27"but, well, we couldn't find him,
0:42:27 > 0:42:32"so we've sent you retired cricketer, Ian Botham! There you go."
0:42:32 > 0:42:36And when there's a penalty, I think the players should actually be penalised
0:42:36 > 0:42:39and forced to do something they don't want to,
0:42:39 > 0:42:42like be faithful to their partners.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44And I talk to boys about this all the time,
0:42:44 > 0:42:47and as yet none of my ideas have been implemented in the game,
0:42:47 > 0:42:51and that's because when women talk about sport, men do this face.
0:42:54 > 0:42:55They fall in love with us!
0:42:59 > 0:43:01This has been an absolute pleasure.
0:43:01 > 0:43:04Thank you so much for having me. My name is Sara, good night!
0:43:04 > 0:43:07- Thank you very much, thank you! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:09 > 0:43:11Give it up for Sara Pascoe.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:14 > 0:43:17All right, ladies and gentlemen, this has been Live At The Apollo.
0:43:17 > 0:43:20- Give it up for Sara Pascoe! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:22 > 0:43:27- And give it up for Phill Jupitus! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:27 > 0:43:30I'm Kevin Bridges, cheers for watching, good night,
0:43:30 > 0:43:33- see you again sometime, cheers! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE