0:00:18 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Greg Davies!
0:00:24 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Hello!
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Hello!
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Live At The Apollo!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING
0:00:47 > 0:00:49What a treat, what a treat to be here.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Let me, er, let me tell you where I'm at tonight,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54before we get going properly.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Er, about 20 minutes ago, the top elastic of my underpants
0:00:58 > 0:00:59totally snapped.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04This is genuinely true. I haven't bought replacements,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06so make-up have had to tuck them into my belt.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Realistically, I can already feel that they're working their way down.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15So about halfway through tonight's show, I'm going
0:01:15 > 0:01:18to have some sort of horrific testicular cummerbund,
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I would imagine, just floating about.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22You won't see that cos I'm wearing jeans
0:01:22 > 0:01:25but I'll keep you up-to-date with its progress.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Let me tell you the worst thing about being
0:01:29 > 0:01:32a fat, middle-aged comedian, cos I am,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34let's not, let's not mess around.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I'm... Look at, look at what I've done to myself.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I mean, I look pregnant, it's ridiculous,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44and you know the worst thing about that?
0:01:44 > 0:01:48It's that comedy attracts young, beautiful people.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51So you come out and you see really attractive, beautiful people,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54and you feel like a fraud when you look like this,
0:01:54 > 0:01:58which is why I was so relieved when I came out tonight...
0:02:01 > 0:02:05..and saw such a sea of ruined, middle-aged losers.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Who's over 40 here?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14FEW AFFIRMATIVE SHOUTS
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Listen to the misery in those cheers.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Who's under 25?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21LOUD AFFIRMATIVE SHOUTS
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Yes! Yes, all right, well, shut up!
0:02:24 > 0:02:28There's not many of us, we'll take you down with sheer bitterness.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32You don't know what's coming, you people.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34You don't know what's...
0:02:34 > 0:02:37You know what happened to me backstage?
0:02:37 > 0:02:41This isn't my original outfit. I was wearing a tight black t-shirt
0:02:41 > 0:02:43and the producer asked me to change...
0:02:45 > 0:02:48..because he said I looked like a bin bag full of coleslaw.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50That's a quote.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54It's true!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57My body is... It's disgusting!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I looked at myself naked in the mirror, about two hours ago,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03before I came here, I stood in front of the...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05And don't "woo" that, for God's sake.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I looked at myself naked in a mirror
0:03:07 > 0:03:10and I thought, genuinely, I thought to myself,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14"You know what that looks like? My body looks like it's been carved
0:03:14 > 0:03:18"by a four-year-old child out of a budget block of ham."
0:03:20 > 0:03:25Just a rough approximation of a male, all pink and mottled.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28It's disgusting.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I wasn't going to tell you this. I'll tell you this.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Do you know what happened to me the other day? Get this. This is true.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40I broke my toilet...
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Guess how? I'll tell you.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I just sat on it.
0:03:46 > 0:03:51It's ruined. It's come totally away from the wall. I just sat on it.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I was halfway through a poo, right?
0:03:55 > 0:03:59So I had to do this waddle of shame through the flat
0:03:59 > 0:04:01to the guest toilet.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I sat on that, and I swear to God, that broke too.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I broke two toilets with one shit.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13And don't put that in the internet. You've got to be very careful.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21It's so depressing and yet, I say all those things...
0:04:22 > 0:04:24I'm an amazing lover.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27I am!
0:04:27 > 0:04:30I don't mean... Let me qualify that.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36What I mean is, I've been having sex a lot longer than most of you,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39and through all those sexual exploits of mine,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43I picked up the odd thing every now and again that actually worked,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47in all the masses of failures, and I've banked them up here, right?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50So, slowly, over a period of many years,
0:04:50 > 0:04:54I've compiled this sort of greatest hits of sexual moves.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I've got them all there and I could use them on any of you,
0:04:57 > 0:04:59and I'm sure you'd go crazy.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Here's the irony. Ready?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05I'm 44 years of age now,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08and now I've got that list, I can't be bothered.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14It's a crime!
0:05:14 > 0:05:15There's only one way
0:05:15 > 0:05:19all of this amazing sexual knowledge will ever be used,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23and that's if one of you young attractive couples I can see here,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26if you invite me round to your house,
0:05:26 > 0:05:30and I talk you both through it...
0:05:32 > 0:05:35..like some awful, sexual puppeteer.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42What I love about the male brain is, hope springs eternal.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46I thought this the other day. I was walking down the street.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Even though I know my limitations, and I know what this looks like,
0:05:50 > 0:05:54I'll see a beautiful 20-something girl walk past me
0:05:54 > 0:05:57and there'll be part of my brain that goes...
0:05:58 > 0:06:00"..Maybe she likes ham."
0:06:03 > 0:06:06And I saw the most amazing example of this.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I went to see my granddad, who's in a home, bless him.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11He's in his 90s, he'd tell you himself -
0:06:11 > 0:06:14he's finished, he's knackered, right.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16He's exhausted, he can't walk,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18he has a little blanket over his knees
0:06:18 > 0:06:20and I went to see him, he was sitting there,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22and I said, "Are you all right, Granddad?"
0:06:22 > 0:06:25He goes, "I'm finished. I hate it, I'm so unhappy,"
0:06:25 > 0:06:27and I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry."
0:06:27 > 0:06:29He goes, "Yeah, never mind, love."
0:06:29 > 0:06:33A nurse walked in, she must have been 25 years of age, right.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35This is what he did. I promise you, he did this.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38"Well, hello there."
0:06:43 > 0:06:47As if there was any part of that girl's brain that was thinking,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"Do you know what I fancy today?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53"I fancy banging a man who gets out of breath eating soup."
0:07:01 > 0:07:05It's awful. It's awful, just being washed up.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09And there's Olympians in tonight, I know that. There's proper Olympians.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Proper fit athletes.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12WOLF WHISTLES AND CHEERS
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Two of my favourite Olympians in tonight -
0:07:17 > 0:07:19er, Harriet Mills,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22and Luke Patience, my favourite sailors. Where are you, guys?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Let's give them a round of applause, proper athletes.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35And I loved the Olympics, I loved it because I've no interest in sport.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Really? Really, right.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40But I loved it. I thought it was such a positive and amazing thing,
0:07:40 > 0:07:44and I got hooked, I got hooked on sports that I didn't know existed.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47I spent a whole afternoon watching synchronised diving,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49I didn't know that existed.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I spent a whole day watching dressage!
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Have you seen dressage?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Guys, it's dancing horses!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Who'd have thought?!
0:08:00 > 0:08:03They dance to music, they do this!
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I didn't even think that was allowed.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Someone told me you can lead a horse to water,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12but you can't make it drink, yeah?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Well, apparently, stick Sister Sledge on - they go mental.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20What are we going to have in Rio in four years?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23I've been training my guinea pig, getting him to do the splits.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25He hates it.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I said, "Come on, Pierre, no pain, no gain!"
0:08:30 > 0:08:32I met the most amazing man the other day.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35He is a man that's confirmed to me that no matter how
0:08:35 > 0:08:39strange we all get in life, there's always someone a bit stranger.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41He was a taxi driver, I flagged him down,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I was in a perfectly good mood at the time
0:08:44 > 0:08:46and he turned out to be a proper...
0:08:46 > 0:08:50"You what, you toilet? Yeah? You muppet! You love it, wallop!" Right?
0:08:50 > 0:08:51..proper Cockney.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I was in a perfectly good mood. I flagged him down,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57he wound his window down and he said something to me.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Now, you tell me if this would have annoyed you,
0:09:00 > 0:09:01cos I was perfectly happy.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05He said, "All right, Big Bird, where to, Sesame Street?"
0:09:05 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I was furious!
0:09:16 > 0:09:19I sat in the back of his cab, seething, grinding my teeth,
0:09:19 > 0:09:22and he turned out to be the strangest man I'd ever met.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Who have you ever met that does this?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27He listed the contents of shops on our route
0:09:27 > 0:09:29that no longer existed, right.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33He went, "Oh, that's a shame, that one used to be the old steak house.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37"It was lovely. You could get your fillets, your T-bones,
0:09:37 > 0:09:39"your burgers, perhaps a lovely beer."
0:09:39 > 0:09:42And I went, "Oh, that is a shame." He goes, "Yeah.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44"There's old Terry's hardware shop there.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46"Used to be able to get your nuts,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48"your bolts, your hammers, your ladders,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51"your hi-vis jackets. Now that's all gone.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53"There's the barber's. Haircuts."
0:09:53 > 0:09:56And I thought, "Insane. This man's insane,"
0:09:56 > 0:09:59and I was still fuming over the Big Bird comment,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02and I was waiting for a chance to get him back.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06I got my chance when we went past a shop that still existed
0:10:06 > 0:10:08in the East End of London. It was a pie and mash shop.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11He went, "Oh, there's the old pie and mash shop there."
0:10:11 > 0:10:12And I went, "Right."
0:10:12 > 0:10:16He goes, "Yeah, I love it in there, delicious pies.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17"I went in there the other day
0:10:17 > 0:10:19"and I tried to get the recipe for their pies."
0:10:19 > 0:10:21I said, "Oh, really?"
0:10:21 > 0:10:23He said, "Yeah, because as well as being a taxi driver,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26"I'm also a successful restaurateur."
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Which, of course, ladies and gentlemen, was a lie.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32And I went, "Did you get the recipe?"
0:10:32 > 0:10:35He goes, "Nah, didn't get it, no, they wouldn't give it to me.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37"They said it was a family secret."
0:10:37 > 0:10:38I said, "That's a shame."
0:10:38 > 0:10:42He goes, "It is a shame because they're delicious, their pies,"
0:10:42 > 0:10:45and he said the strangest thing I've ever heard.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Try and get your heads round this.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49He went, "Yeah, it is a pity because
0:10:49 > 0:10:53"it's not just pie they put in those, you know."
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I went, "I'm sorry, mate?"
0:11:00 > 0:11:03He goes, "It's not just pie they put in those."
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I went, "What, in pies?"
0:11:05 > 0:11:09He goes, "Yeah." I said, "Pie's not an ingredient, mate."
0:11:09 > 0:11:10He went, "What?!"
0:11:10 > 0:11:13I said, "Pie's made up of constituent parts brought together.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14"It's not an ingredient."
0:11:14 > 0:11:17He goes, "What are you talking about? A pie's a pie."
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I said, "Is it? Cos Jamie Oliver's shows
0:11:19 > 0:11:21"are going to be a bit shit from now on, aren't they?"
0:11:21 > 0:11:24He goes, "How do you mean?" I said, "I'll show you."
0:11:24 > 0:11:27"Hello, everyone, I'm Jamie Oliver. Today, I'll be making a lasagne.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29"I'll just get the ingredients...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31"A lasagne!"
0:11:38 > 0:11:40He goes, "Oh, yeah. Very clever, son,
0:11:40 > 0:11:42"but a lasagne is not a pie."
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I said, "It may as well be, using your system.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49"What are you going to do if you get a flat tyre on your taxi?"
0:11:49 > 0:11:50He goes, "I'll change the tyre."
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I said, "You can't, because tyre is part of taxi,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55"so you must throw taxi away."
0:11:56 > 0:11:59He goes, "I dunno what you're talking about."
0:11:59 > 0:12:01I said, "Do you honestly not? All right, I'll help you."
0:12:01 > 0:12:04He goes, "Well, I'd like you to explain it to me."
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I said, "All right, we'll do a role play."
0:12:06 > 0:12:08He went, "OK, let's do a role play."
0:12:08 > 0:12:09This happened, right.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I went, "Right, I'm a cake shop owner." He goes, "OK."
0:12:12 > 0:12:14I went, "Right, you come in to buy a cake."
0:12:14 > 0:12:16He said, "I'll have a cake, please."
0:12:16 > 0:12:19I said, "Hang on a minute, you've got a fatal nut allergy."
0:12:19 > 0:12:22He went, "Fine." I went, "Right, let's go."
0:12:22 > 0:12:23This happened.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26He was in the front of the cab, I went, "Good morning, sir."
0:12:26 > 0:12:27He went, "Good morning."
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I said, "Can I help you?" He goes, "I'd like a cake, please."
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I said, "Certainly, sir. Which cake would you like?"
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Here, he went up a bit in my estimation a bit as he went,
0:12:37 > 0:12:38"I'll have that one there."
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Amazing, right?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44He did!
0:12:44 > 0:12:47And that's where I pulled out my ace card.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50I went, "Ah, excellent choice! The nut surprise."
0:12:50 > 0:12:53He went, "Hold up a minute, I'm not allowed to have nuts."
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I said, "Oh, dear, have you got an allergy?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58"I'd better check the ingredients for you, hadn't I?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00"No, you're absolutely fine, sir.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03"The only thing in this cake IS CAKE!"
0:13:12 > 0:13:14He said, "I can see nuts on it there, right."
0:13:14 > 0:13:18I said, "No, I baked this and the only ingredient I used was cake,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21"so put it in your big fat face and swell up like a balloon and die."
0:13:21 > 0:13:25He went, "Oh, yeah, very good, but at the end of the day,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27"a lasagne is not a pie, a cake is not a pie,
0:13:27 > 0:13:28"a taxi is not a pie."
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I said, "There's no such thing as pie!
0:13:32 > 0:13:36"A pie is made up of meat, of gravy, of pastry and one other thing.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38He said, "What's the other thing?"
0:13:38 > 0:13:41I said, "I'm not telling you, it's a family secret!"
0:13:41 > 0:13:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Don't mess with me, taxi drivers!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted and proud
0:14:00 > 0:14:02to be presenting this wonderful show tonight.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Two amazing comics I know you're going to absolutely love.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09Here's the way I'll do it, someone starts the clapping politely,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11I'll turn up an invisible volume switch,
0:14:11 > 0:14:12you go crazy, I'll bring him on.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14His name is Mr Hal Cruttenden,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16you'll have a brilliant time in his company.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Ladies and gentlemen, start the applause for me...
0:14:18 > 0:14:19APPLAUSE
0:14:19 > 0:14:21..turn the volume up.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Turn it up one more.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25One more!
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Ladies and gentlemen, the superb Mr Hal Cruttenden!
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Thank you very much.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Can I say, I'm genuinely...
0:14:47 > 0:14:51I'm really excited to just be out on the town. I am.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54No, I'm excited to be inside, obviously.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I find the streets quite, quite stressful. Erm...
0:14:57 > 0:14:58LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Don't you find that people do that in London?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03People walk the street, they're very defensive.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Everyone's got that kind of...don't mess with me look, you know?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Even old people are like...
0:15:10 > 0:15:13"I'm 83, but I'm a bloody ninja. Just try it!"
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Sometimes, people are frightened of me.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20This is absolutely true. I've been walking home late at night,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23there's a woman, by herself in front of me,
0:15:23 > 0:15:25she does that little half-turn,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28and I can tell she thinks I'm following her.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I speed up to try and overtake.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37She speeds up.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39I can't slow down
0:15:39 > 0:15:43cos I'm a little bit worried about the guy 20 yards behind me.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47There's probably ten of us in a line going, "Oh, bloody hell!"
0:15:56 > 0:15:57I am, I'm feeling old,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I had a horrible old man thought the other day.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I was talking to a girl in her early 20s,
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I wasn't going to do anything because I am married.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09I'm married to a woman. I know what you were thinking. Shut up.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Honestly, it's just a stage persona.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14You know, offstage, I'm sort of dark, dangerous, little bit sexy.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16On stage...
0:16:17 > 0:16:19LAUGHTER
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Sorry, I was saying... I was talking to this girl,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I was talking to this girl in her early 20s,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I had a horrible old man thought, really horrible.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I'm chatting away and it just popped in there.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34I thought to myself, "If I was 20 years younger."
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I was thinking, "Who the hell am I kidding?
0:16:38 > 0:16:41"I was never good with women. What am I talking about?!"
0:16:41 > 0:16:44That thought should be, "If I was 20 years younger,
0:16:44 > 0:16:48"I'd get really obsessed with you, I really would.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54"And do absolutely nothing about it."
0:16:56 > 0:17:00I was rubbish. I looked great then as well, I looked great, I was young.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03You young people, just enjoy this time. Who is young here?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06You two? There's a woman going, "I am here," next to...
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Yeah, just enjoy this time, OK.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Do you think you look good for your age, you look good at the moment?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13You're really not sure?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15This is the best you're ever going to look, honestly.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Enjoy this time.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21I remember at school, a PE teacher made a little speech to our class.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23He said, "Do you know what, boys?"
0:17:23 > 0:17:26We were 17. He said, "Do you know what, boys? Enjoy this time.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29"This is the best your bodies are ever going to be.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30"Get as fit as you can,
0:17:30 > 0:17:34"you can do stuff now you will never be able to do again."
0:17:34 > 0:17:36And I remember thinking at the time,
0:17:36 > 0:17:38"I don't think he should be in the shower with us,"
0:17:38 > 0:17:40but it was a bloody good speech.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42LAUGHTER
0:17:48 > 0:17:50But I looked great then,
0:17:50 > 0:17:52and now I'm constantly trying to watch the weight.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I've been two stone heavier than this, been lighter than this,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I've got a problem with eating. I'm addicted to eating.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It's worse than being a heroin addict,
0:18:00 > 0:18:03because at least they look good in skinny jeans, but you know...
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I'm possessed when I eat, honestly.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10I eat very fast and I cannot be interrupted.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13And I love Nando's, it's the worst place to eat like that.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14CHEERING
0:18:14 > 0:18:17But they always interrupt you, all through the meal,
0:18:17 > 0:18:18"Is everything OK with your meal?"
0:18:18 > 0:18:23(SCOFFING FOOD NOISES) Leave me alone!
0:18:29 > 0:18:34I consume food, I use food, I don't savour it or enjoy it.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I'd be rubbish on MasterChef.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38On MasterChef, you've always got someone going,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41"Mm, that's slightly overcooked but, mm, that's a beautiful fusion
0:18:41 > 0:18:43"of different flavours, yeah. Mm.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47"I can really taste the coconut coming through now.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49"Hal, what do you think?"
0:18:49 > 0:18:50SCOFFING NOISES
0:18:59 > 0:19:01"I JUST FEEL HAPPIER!"
0:19:11 > 0:19:13We are falling apart socially, aren't we?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15We have got riots, we've got strikes,
0:19:15 > 0:19:18we've got civil disobedience, we've got people protesting.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22We're in terrible trouble, economically, Europe is screwed.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Only Germany's OK, aren't they?
0:19:23 > 0:19:27Everyone's looking to Germany to show strong leadership over the euro
0:19:27 > 0:19:32and Germany is a little bit like Dr David Banner from the Hulk TV series,
0:19:32 > 0:19:35saying, "Don't ask us to show strong leadership.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42"You won't like us when we show strong leadership."
0:19:49 > 0:19:52Germany's at the top, of course. Greece is at the bottom.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Greece is the worst. Any Greeks here?
0:19:54 > 0:19:56FEW SHOUTS
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Yeah? Buy them a drink, people, cos they're quite short.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03They never tell us on the news what we really want to know about Greece.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05What we really want to know about Greece is,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08does this economic disaster mean it is more or less expensive
0:20:08 > 0:20:12to go on holiday to Greece? That's all we want to know, isn't it?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17That's all we want. What is the cost of two weeks' half-board in Corfu?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20The British people deserve an answer!
0:20:23 > 0:20:25We're always being told what the British people deserve.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26My friends' Facebook pages
0:20:26 > 0:20:29are just them moaning about life and what they deserve.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Their Facebook status - "Mad day. Got up, got the kids to school,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35"did the washing, did the shopping, went to work, picked the kids up,
0:20:35 > 0:20:38"did the dinner, sitting on the couch drinking red wine. I deserve this."
0:20:40 > 0:20:43And I always think, "No, you don't, actually."
0:20:43 > 0:20:44If you live OK in Britain,
0:20:44 > 0:20:48you live one of the most privileged lives in the world.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51The people who deserve a good old moan on Facebook
0:20:51 > 0:20:53are people trying to bring up families
0:20:53 > 0:20:57in war-torn, sub-Saharan Africa. They deserve Facebook, don't they?
0:20:57 > 0:20:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:00 > 0:21:03"Mad day. Had to walk ten miles to fetch clean water.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07"Got turned back by the militia. Lost a child to malaria on the way home.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11"Sitting in my tent, drinking rainwater. I deserve this."
0:21:11 > 0:21:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:19 > 0:21:22And then you get the needy Facebook status, the cry-for-help one.
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I've got friends who literally have said "I feel like crying..."
0:21:28 > 0:21:31And everyone piles in - "What do you mean? You're a lovely person."
0:21:34 > 0:21:38And this friend of mine literally wrote, "I just feel so sad today."
0:21:40 > 0:21:43In the Middle East, people are writing things on Facebook like,
0:21:43 > 0:21:44"I feel like crying."
0:21:44 > 0:21:48"What's wrong?" "I've just been tear-gassed." Proper shit, yes?
0:21:50 > 0:21:55People are tweeting, "I've just been shot!" Sad face.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59ROFD - that means rolling on the floor, dying. Proper stuff.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07We use Facebook and Twitter for rubbish.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Have you ever seen those sanctimonious little poems
0:22:09 > 0:22:12and quotes people put on Facebook to make you feel better about life?
0:22:12 > 0:22:17They drive me mad. I've got one here. I've got two I printed out.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20This first one is always put on by women, by the way.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24I'm not being sexist, because I was sort of raised by women.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Can you tell?
0:22:27 > 0:22:30I never had that older brother figure who beat me up,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I had two older sisters who...
0:22:32 > 0:22:35who dressed me up.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41I was raised by women. Sounds like I was raised by wolves, doesn't it?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I was found running with a wild hen night in Newcastle.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51But this first quote is always put on by women.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53You will recognise it, some of you.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56"Friends are angels,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58"who lift us to our feet
0:22:58 > 0:23:01"when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
0:23:05 > 0:23:09You know what, us men, we may be emotionally constipated...
0:23:09 > 0:23:12but I'm damn proud we don't put shit like that on Facebook.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22This second quote is put on by everybody. This is a long one.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26Lots of you will recognise this one. I've had this one about four times.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30"Life is short, break the rules. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32"Love truly, laugh uncontrollably,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35"and never regret anything that made you smile.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37"20 years from now, you'll be more disappointed
0:23:37 > 0:23:40"by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42"So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour,
0:23:42 > 0:23:46"catch the trade winds in your sails, explore, dream, discover."
0:23:46 > 0:23:47You know what?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I've got a mortgage to pay, bills to deal with, kids to bring up.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53I don't have time for this crap on my Facebook page.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56APPLAUSE
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Let's look at it in detail. "Life is short" - no, it's not.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Compared to most animals, we live a bloody long time.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Do you know how hard it would be
0:24:13 > 0:24:16to train a dog if they ever realised how short their life was?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Because they'd go, "Why should I fetch the stick? What's the point?
0:24:21 > 0:24:22"I've only got 13 years."
0:24:22 > 0:24:24They'd be off to travel the world and have adventures.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Flies, buzzing about, going, "20 days. 20 bloody days.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31"Even shit tastes good to us."
0:24:34 > 0:24:38The mayfly lives for one day. One day.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Do you think other animals are really nice to the mayfly?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43"Who are you?" "I'm a mayfly."
0:24:44 > 0:24:47"I think you're really brave."
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Do you think they're all raising money
0:24:52 > 0:24:54to send them to Disneyland by 6pm?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Do you think that's what's going on?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03So "life is short" - no, it's not, it's bloody long. Second one.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06"Break the rules". I hate people who say "break the rules". I hate you.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Rules are really, really important. What do you mean?
0:25:11 > 0:25:15What, drive the wrong way up the M1? What do you mean?
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Serial killers break the rules, don't they?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19"He's killed ten,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23"but he's really sticking it to the man." It's rubbish.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26"Kiss slowly". Kiss slowly, yeah?
0:25:30 > 0:25:31What about your gran?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42It's just rubbish. We love this sanctimonious stuff. It's rubbish.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45It's like, the nation's favourite poem is If, by Rudyard Kipling.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47It's the one that says do all these things
0:25:47 > 0:25:49"..and yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
0:25:49 > 0:25:52"and what's more, you'll be a man, my son,"
0:25:52 > 0:25:54and men go "great poem", and a tear down their face.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56It's rubbish.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59It's got a middle section that says
0:25:59 > 0:26:01"If you can make one heap of all your winnings,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04"and risk it in one turn of pitch and toss, and lose
0:26:04 > 0:26:07"and start again from your beginnings
0:26:07 > 0:26:09"and never breathe a word about your loss..."
0:26:09 > 0:26:12To me, that means you've got a serious gambling problem...
0:26:14 > 0:26:18..that you're hiding from your family. That's what that means.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21The first line, the famous first line -
0:26:21 > 0:26:25"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs
0:26:25 > 0:26:26"and blaming it on you..."
0:26:26 > 0:26:27If you can keep your head
0:26:27 > 0:26:31when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
0:26:31 > 0:26:32I suggest you've misunderstood
0:26:32 > 0:26:35the seriousness of the situation that you're in.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40I think you're the twat driving the wrong way up the M1.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44People in the back are going, "We're going to die!" "I'm keeping my head."
0:26:46 > 0:26:50I just don't believe in quotes or poems to sum life up.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53If my kids ask my advice, I keep it short and honest.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57They say to me things like, "Daddy, what will I be when I grow up?"
0:26:59 > 0:27:01And I say, "Disappointed."
0:27:06 > 0:27:10You've been a delight. Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you very much.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11I'm Hal Cruttenden. Thank you!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Mr Hal Cruttenden!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Funny man.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31I tried to address this recently. Do you want to know what I did?
0:27:31 > 0:27:38I went to Argos. I bought myself some weights. £29.99, they were.
0:27:38 > 0:27:43I carried those weights from Argos to the boot of my car.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45They are still in the boot of my car.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49I will never use them. It was agony.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51They were only in a little pack like this.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54The only good thing that came out of the whole thing, right,
0:27:54 > 0:27:56and if anything, I'll tell you this,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59it's terribly affected the fuel economy of my car,
0:27:59 > 0:28:01having them in there.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03The only good thing that came out of it
0:28:03 > 0:28:05is the noises that came out of my body
0:28:05 > 0:28:07that I hadn't planned to come out of my body.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12There was creaking and popping, and when I got to the boot,
0:28:12 > 0:28:14by the time I got to the boot, I was going...
0:28:14 > 0:28:16HE JUDDERS CREAKILY
0:28:18 > 0:28:20And it caused me, as I'm sure it would for many of you,
0:28:20 > 0:28:24to recall my favourite involuntary noise of all time.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26I went to Spain this summer,
0:28:26 > 0:28:31and in the particular region of Spain I was in, they eat two things.
0:28:31 > 0:28:35They eat meat and cheese. I had been joining them in that.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38As a consequence, it had a fairly profound effect on my body,
0:28:38 > 0:28:39ladies and gentlemen.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41You'll think I'm exaggerating,
0:28:41 > 0:28:43but I want you to focus on this sentence,
0:28:43 > 0:28:45because I absolutely mean it - for that day,
0:28:45 > 0:28:51I had been farting more often than I had not been farting.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55Do you understand?
0:28:55 > 0:28:58The fart to silence ratio had been entirely reversed.
0:29:01 > 0:29:03Just a constant stream...
0:29:04 > 0:29:08It was thoroughly enjoyable, but in the evening, I went into town
0:29:08 > 0:29:11and heard there was a religious festival on, so I thought,
0:29:11 > 0:29:14"I'm going to have to cork it when I'm down there and show a bit of respect".
0:29:14 > 0:29:19So I used my natural gripping power to hold it in.
0:29:19 > 0:29:23But something amazing started to build up inside me as a consequence.
0:29:25 > 0:29:27Those amongst you who are fartologists will know this.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33It's what's known in the fart world, technically,
0:29:33 > 0:29:37what was building up was a single puff/single clap fart, right?
0:29:38 > 0:29:42What I mean by that - it was such an amazing amount of gas within me
0:29:42 > 0:29:43that when I released it,
0:29:43 > 0:29:47my buttocks wouldn't have a chance to relax in the traditional way.
0:29:49 > 0:29:50It was going to come out,
0:29:50 > 0:29:54and there would be a single clap of my backside, and we'd be done.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00So I was looking forward to it,
0:30:00 > 0:30:04but I was in a fairly large religious crowd,
0:30:04 > 0:30:05so I had to pick my moment.
0:30:05 > 0:30:09So I waited and I thought, "Right, I'm safe."
0:30:09 > 0:30:12I started to release the floodgates, so to speak.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15The second - what a joyful coincidence -
0:30:15 > 0:30:17the second I released
0:30:17 > 0:30:20the single puff/single clap fart, just by chance,
0:30:20 > 0:30:23a Spanish man working his way through the crowd
0:30:23 > 0:30:27placed his hand against my backside the second I released it.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31The resulting soundscape was amazing.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34I'll try and do it justice for you now.
0:30:40 > 0:30:43I'd appreciate it if you'd all take this seriously.
0:30:46 > 0:30:49Pff...bonk..."Hey!"
0:30:55 > 0:30:56He was furious.
0:31:00 > 0:31:03So far, so good. Is everyone having a nice time?
0:31:03 > 0:31:05AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:31:05 > 0:31:08Believe me, you are going to continue to have a nice time
0:31:08 > 0:31:11when I bring the next act on. He's one of my favourite acts.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14We'll do the same thing - you clap, I'll turn the volume up.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17His name's Simon Evans, he is awesome. Are you ready
0:31:17 > 0:31:19for your final act of tonight's show?
0:31:19 > 0:31:24- Yeah!- Start the clapping. Up in the balconies, let's turn the volume up.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Let's turn it up!
0:31:26 > 0:31:30Turn it up again. One more!
0:31:30 > 0:31:33Ladies and gentleman, Mr Simon Evans!
0:31:44 > 0:31:45Thank you.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49Thank you very much.
0:31:49 > 0:31:51Well, that was all a bit unnecessary, wasn't it?
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Very nice to be back in London.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55I lived in London for most of my adult life.
0:31:55 > 0:31:59Moved down about four years ago, we moved out of London to Hove.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01Brighton and Hove is two ends of the same place.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03There is a rivalry.
0:32:03 > 0:32:06Brighton regards Hove as being rather posh and middle-class,
0:32:06 > 0:32:09because in Hove women often pause to put their kebab down
0:32:09 > 0:32:11before squatting down to urinate in the gutter.
0:32:14 > 0:32:16On a Friday night.
0:32:16 > 0:32:17And that sort of behaviour
0:32:17 > 0:32:20is considered a bit lah-di-dah in Brighton.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23"Stick it in your cleavage like the rest of us, darling."
0:32:25 > 0:32:27The women in Brighton, actually, to be fair,
0:32:27 > 0:32:29it is the hen parties who visit,
0:32:29 > 0:32:31recreational hen parties come down at the weekend.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34I know I'm going to sound middle-aged and out of touch,
0:32:34 > 0:32:37I'm not saying they dress like prostitutes,
0:32:37 > 0:32:41but, seriously, I think if you were a prostitute, working in Brighton
0:32:41 > 0:32:46on a Saturday night, you probably need to wear a badge or something.
0:32:49 > 0:32:51"Actual prostitute", something of that sort.
0:32:51 > 0:32:56It would be very hard to distinguish yourself through dress alone,
0:32:56 > 0:32:57I would say that.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02People are just going to take pot luck and probably save a few quid.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08But these are broad stereotypes.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10In truth, Hove is not terribly posh,
0:33:10 > 0:33:12it just has a lot of old people in it,
0:33:12 > 0:33:14which gives a patina of respectability.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17Like most of the south coast, Worthing, Eastbourne,
0:33:17 > 0:33:18a lot of old people's homes.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20There isn't much of a buzz, and if there is,
0:33:20 > 0:33:22it usually means somebody's had a fall.
0:33:23 > 0:33:27They actually made a pilot episode of CSI Hove. It was a disaster.
0:33:28 > 0:33:3148 deaths, every single one natural causes.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36We have family connections with Hove.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39One of the reasons we chose it - my great-grandmother
0:33:39 > 0:33:41used to live in Hove many years ago. She was notorious.
0:33:41 > 0:33:44She was one of the first women to break into
0:33:44 > 0:33:47what had previously been the all-male domain of lesbianism.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52The things we take for granted now.
0:33:52 > 0:33:55Brighton is of course still famous for its gay and lesbian community,
0:33:55 > 0:33:58and they are well-established and very much cherished.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00It's interesting -
0:34:00 > 0:34:03the gay men live in quite a self-imposed ghetto in Brighton.
0:34:03 > 0:34:04It's called Kemptown.
0:34:04 > 0:34:07They have a bit of beach which is understood to be gay.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10The local paper claimed that they use it for casual gay sex.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12I have lived in the neighbourhood over three years
0:34:12 > 0:34:14and I have yet to see an example of this,
0:34:14 > 0:34:17except through some really quite powerful binoculars. But...
0:34:19 > 0:34:23Even if it is going on, I don't think anyone cares any more, do they?
0:34:23 > 0:34:26Casual gay sex on a beach? Formal gay sex, that would be a bit odd.
0:34:27 > 0:34:31People getting up in black tie and dinner jacket.
0:34:31 > 0:34:338 for 8.30, just for a spot of buggery.
0:34:33 > 0:34:34Doesn't seem worth it, does it?
0:34:37 > 0:34:40Realistically, if you are going to have gay sex on a beach
0:34:40 > 0:34:44or anywhere else, it's important to be as relaxed as possible.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47At least until you've tossed the coin. That's what I remember.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51I don't know where you went to school. We all have our traditions.
0:34:51 > 0:34:52I would say smart-casual.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55That's probably the ideal dress code. No trainers.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00Although you may want them for grip, I don't know.
0:35:02 > 0:35:05It's a pebble beach, I'm sure you'll be fine.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08I'd avoid those ones with a little wheel in the heel.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11That's setting yourself unnecessary challenges.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16But that's just the gay men. The lesbians have integrated more.
0:35:16 > 0:35:19The lesbians have drifted down more towards Hove.
0:35:19 > 0:35:21Not literally drifted on the sea, I mean,
0:35:21 > 0:35:23they use conventional transport.
0:35:23 > 0:35:24They live conventional lives,
0:35:24 > 0:35:27and I have enormous respect and patience and time for them.
0:35:27 > 0:35:31I actually have a daughter, Matilda, who I intend to raise as a lesbian.
0:35:33 > 0:35:34Not for profit.
0:35:36 > 0:35:40There's a bit of money in tennis, but it's a long shot at this point.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45I just don't like the idea
0:35:45 > 0:35:48of any other man laying his hands on her, to be honest.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50Not that I lay my hands on her. That sounded wrong, didn't it?
0:35:52 > 0:35:56This is not some Austrian type of scenario, I can assure you.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59Too much DIY involved, apart from anything else.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04I have a set of shelves that have seen off three bank holidays.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06I can't imagine a network of dungeons
0:36:06 > 0:36:08is going to appear under my house any time soon.
0:36:08 > 0:36:11The damp course alone would take me six months. It's ridiculous.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14By the time you've done all that work, you've got a basement flat.
0:36:14 > 0:36:15I could rent that out.
0:36:15 > 0:36:17MIXED LAUGHTER
0:36:21 > 0:36:22I have two children.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25A boy and a girl, one of each.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28That is, as I'm sure you're familiar with, the format.
0:36:30 > 0:36:33And people think you're very lucky to have one of each, of course,
0:36:33 > 0:36:37and people have third, fourth, fifth abomina...er, children, erm,
0:36:37 > 0:36:40attempting to complete the set. Please don't get hung up on that.
0:36:40 > 0:36:44My experience is, it really doesn't matter what the sex of the child is.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47Every child is a burden and a curse. It really makes no difference.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52Young Edward - he's just turned three.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54By which I mean, he's reached the age of three,
0:36:54 > 0:36:56rather than converted his first lesbians.
0:36:56 > 0:36:59And he is... He'll do anything for a sticker, that boy,
0:36:59 > 0:37:01but that's beyond him for a while yet.
0:37:03 > 0:37:07Looking forward, in fact, to his third Christmas now.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11Technically his fourth, but the first one, he was naughty,
0:37:11 > 0:37:12so that was that. But, um...
0:37:12 > 0:37:14LAUGHTER
0:37:14 > 0:37:16But he is a bit of a handful. Small boys are.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19There are times I wish he had been a handful about four years ago.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22That would have saved me a few quid, but it's done now.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26I'm kidding, of course, I love him dearly, he's like a dog to me,
0:37:26 > 0:37:27but you have to understand.
0:37:29 > 0:37:31We go to such lengths to conceal reality for them
0:37:31 > 0:37:35and to make them live in this fluffy, pink cloud all the time.
0:37:35 > 0:37:36We take them at the weekend now to farms,
0:37:36 > 0:37:39because we live in Hove and farms are available.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42These aren't real farms. They may have been farms once upon a time.
0:37:42 > 0:37:45They're all called things like Sunnyside Farm, Blackberry Farm.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49They consist of two llamas, a lamb, a tractor ride at five quid a go,
0:37:49 > 0:37:51and some vast gift shop full of artisan marmalade
0:37:51 > 0:37:55and hand-wanked cider you're supposed to get excited about.
0:37:55 > 0:37:59My kids must be utterly baffled as to how this kind of enterprise
0:37:59 > 0:38:02can supply the food demands of East Sussex.
0:38:02 > 0:38:03I certainly am,
0:38:03 > 0:38:06and I would like to take them to an actual farm one day,
0:38:06 > 0:38:08something that supplies the stuff in their packed lunches
0:38:08 > 0:38:11on a regular basis. Some vast, fluorescent-lit shed
0:38:11 > 0:38:15in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by barbed wire and Alsatians,
0:38:15 > 0:38:17and full of hobbling abominations of turkey flesh
0:38:17 > 0:38:20that are unable to support their hormone-inflated bodies
0:38:20 > 0:38:22on the hideous stumps of their legs,
0:38:22 > 0:38:25as they try desperately to get away from the stench of their own effluent
0:38:25 > 0:38:29and peck blindly at each other with their stumps of their beaks.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31That would be an educational day out for the kids.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39My God, it is hard work bringing up kids,
0:38:39 > 0:38:41and you have so many fears and anxieties.
0:38:41 > 0:38:45My latest one is the considerable tide of opinion that seems to suggest
0:38:45 > 0:38:46that all children here
0:38:46 > 0:38:48will be utterly morbidly obese in the next ten years.
0:38:48 > 0:38:51The statistics on this are terrifying and I want to talk about it,
0:38:51 > 0:38:54but it is very difficult to approach through comedy
0:38:54 > 0:38:57as it's a sensitive subject. Adult obesity, too.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59I certainly won't address the women on this subject
0:38:59 > 0:39:02as I understand, for women, body shape and weight gain -
0:39:02 > 0:39:04it's a far more complex matter.
0:39:04 > 0:39:08It's to do with slow metabolism and bones and so on. I understand that.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13But, gentlemen, I think we need to take responsibility.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16We were all given a bit of a fillip and encouragement by the Olympics.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Let's try and keep this mentality going.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21The government have made it terrifically complicated now.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24They've come up with something called the Body Mass Index.
0:39:24 > 0:39:27You need a calculator to work out if you're fat or not.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29This is an old-fashioned British approach,
0:39:29 > 0:39:31which has stood me in good stead - five alarm bells.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33The first one rings if you look down
0:39:33 > 0:39:36and realise you can no longer see your belt buckle.
0:39:36 > 0:39:39If you take action at that point, you'll thank yourself later.
0:39:39 > 0:39:41It's very easy to correct the fault.
0:39:41 > 0:39:42Second alarm bell rings
0:39:42 > 0:39:45if you look down and realise you can no longer see what,
0:39:45 > 0:39:49for the purposes of this section, I shall refer to as your...cock.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53That is a little more serious and if you can no longer see your feet,
0:39:53 > 0:39:56you're in real trouble. And those of you thinking,
0:39:56 > 0:39:58"Well, if I can't see my cock, I won't be able to see my feet,
0:39:58 > 0:40:00"ha-ha-ha,"
0:40:00 > 0:40:03you're exactly the sort of self-deluded fools
0:40:03 > 0:40:04who are most at risk.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09The fourth alarm bell rings
0:40:09 > 0:40:12when you can no longer see your cock in a mirror.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20Oh, yes, they're out there.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23And the fifth and final bell rings
0:40:23 > 0:40:26when you can no longer see it with two mirrors and an erection.
0:40:26 > 0:40:28Now, at that point, you're no doubt
0:40:28 > 0:40:31too busy pleasuring yourself with the folds of your own flesh
0:40:31 > 0:40:34to worry what the rest of us think, and it's none of my business.
0:40:34 > 0:40:37Listen, I'm not the police, I don't care what you get up to.
0:40:37 > 0:40:38Nature has its compensations.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41All I am saying - is it wise as a society
0:40:41 > 0:40:44that we choose to reward this excessive level of corpulence
0:40:44 > 0:40:46with subsidised transport?
0:40:46 > 0:40:48And I'm not talking about the odd bus pass.
0:40:48 > 0:40:52I'm talking about these three-wheeled electrical "obesycles", I call them.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54I don't know if that is the correct term.
0:40:54 > 0:40:55You've seen them.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59Mobility scooters - they were designed for the elderly and infirm
0:40:59 > 0:41:01but they have been hijacked recently.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03Not literally, I hope.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06My God, that would be a long-winded and tedious crime
0:41:06 > 0:41:07to watch unfold if it is going on.
0:41:09 > 0:41:11Somehow, they've got hold of them.
0:41:11 > 0:41:12They look ridiculous.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14The first one I saw - he was so vast,
0:41:14 > 0:41:16he appeared to be hovering up the street.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18He concealed the vehicle entirely.
0:41:18 > 0:41:21He looked like Jabba the Hutt on a magic carpet.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23I thought, "No wonder you've put on a few pounds.
0:41:23 > 0:41:26"You've mastered the art of levitation -
0:41:26 > 0:41:28"you won't burn off many calories that way."
0:41:28 > 0:41:31It's only when I saw a wire basket glinting between his thighs
0:41:31 > 0:41:33and his right trouser leg started flashing orange
0:41:33 > 0:41:36as he turned into Greggs, I realised what was going on.
0:41:38 > 0:41:40Of course, if you shut down Greggs,
0:41:40 > 0:41:43you'd solve the whole problem at a stroke anyway, I suspect.
0:41:43 > 0:41:44That is the mother lode, isn't it?
0:41:44 > 0:41:46I was in a branch of Greggs recently,
0:41:46 > 0:41:49and the Olympians here will enjoy this.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52I like a pasty as much as the next man, but that is a deluded shop.
0:41:52 > 0:41:55They were selling mineral water, which is optimistic enough,
0:41:55 > 0:41:59but they were selling that in regular bottles, 80p for a half-litre,
0:41:59 > 0:42:02or, for a 20p premium,
0:42:02 > 0:42:04you could buy the same quantity of the same water,
0:42:04 > 0:42:05but in a special bottle,
0:42:05 > 0:42:08and this was how it was described on the shelf -
0:42:08 > 0:42:10big capital letters "with the SPORTS CAP" -
0:42:10 > 0:42:13the kind you can open with your teeth in one hand
0:42:13 > 0:42:15so you don't have to dismount from your bicycle
0:42:15 > 0:42:17on that crucial last stage of your triathlon
0:42:17 > 0:42:20and waste valuable seconds opening a bottle of water.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22I don't think that's a priority
0:42:22 > 0:42:26for your average Greggs customer, do you? A sports cap?
0:42:26 > 0:42:29Maybe if you've got a fag on the go in the other hand, that helps.
0:42:30 > 0:42:31What are they going to sell next,
0:42:31 > 0:42:34little pies with clips that you can put on your tracksuits
0:42:34 > 0:42:36and a straw you can suck the gravy out?
0:42:44 > 0:42:46Anyway, folks, it's been an absolute pleasure
0:42:46 > 0:42:50speaking to you this evening. I do hope you've enjoyed the evening.
0:42:50 > 0:42:52I've been Simon Evans. Thank you very much, good night.
0:42:52 > 0:42:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:59 > 0:43:00Mr Simon Evans!
0:43:04 > 0:43:07Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming.
0:43:07 > 0:43:09You've been a wonderful audience.
0:43:09 > 0:43:12- Have you had a nice time?- Yeah! - It's been a real pleasure.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Do me a favour - thank the two wonderful acts
0:43:14 > 0:43:16who entertained you on tonight's brilliant show.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18First, you saw Mr Hal Cruttenden.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:20 > 0:43:22Then you saw the lovely Mr Simon Evans!
0:43:22 > 0:43:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:24 > 0:43:26This has been Live At The Apollo.
0:43:26 > 0:43:29My name's Greg Davies. I'll see you again, good night!
0:43:53 > 0:43:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd