0:00:18 > 0:00:20Ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:20 > 0:00:24please welcome your host for tonight, Dara O Briain!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Lovely stuff! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Welcome to Live At The Apollo. Are you in good form?
0:00:45 > 0:00:46- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:00:46 > 0:00:50It's a pleasure to be here with so many people from around the world.
0:00:50 > 0:00:55It is all human life gathered here. Both extremes of human achievement.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Five medallists from Team GB are in the audience tonight, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01CHEERING
0:01:08 > 0:01:12But also, half the cast of Made In Chelsea, so essentially...
0:01:12 > 0:01:15MIXED CHEERS AND BOOS
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Why, the universe is in balance here, isn't it?
0:01:17 > 0:01:21I've... Listen now, I'm very proud. Well done, you guys. Congratulations.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I'm Irish, obviously, so it's kind of secondary pride
0:01:24 > 0:01:28in how well you all did. Are there any Irish people in?
0:01:28 > 0:01:30CHEERING Good to have a few in.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34More Irish will be arriving over in the next little while.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Things a little tight for cash in Ireland at the moment.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Many Irish may be arriving on your shores.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Beware, by the way.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45It's been a very IT-type economy in Ireland for the last while.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Not been a lot of building work done by these people,
0:01:48 > 0:01:50but they will take the work. LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:53In fact, they will stand on your doorstep and go,
0:01:53 > 0:01:57"Oh, yeah, we'll do that. No problem. Oh, we'll lift that and we'll move that and we'll take that over
0:01:57 > 0:02:00"and we'll rise it up. No problem at all, we'll get that done for you.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03"Don't you worry, we'll get that done, no problem at all.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06"Google it. Google it for Jesus' sake!"
0:02:06 > 0:02:09"There's bound to be a website somewhere with that information."
0:02:09 > 0:02:12"Ha-ha-ha, I don't know, translate it FROM Polish."
0:02:12 > 0:02:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:13 > 0:02:14You...
0:02:18 > 0:02:23You will be crying out for the Poles in about a year's time
0:02:23 > 0:02:26when you see the mess we're about to make of your houses.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Ho-ho, it's funny the first time you flush the toilets
0:02:29 > 0:02:34and the lights go off, but eventually that joke wears thin, right?
0:02:34 > 0:02:37In about a year's time, every DIY store in the UK,
0:02:37 > 0:02:42every Wickes, every Homebase, every B&Q
0:02:42 > 0:02:47is going to be rammed with Irish "builders" trying to describe tools
0:02:47 > 0:02:51they vaguely remember from a generation ago.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:57"Do you have anything that'll make wood shorter?"
0:02:57 > 0:03:00LAUGHTER
0:03:01 > 0:03:06"I have a gap and a plank and I can't quite get the plank into the gap!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09"While I have you there, I have a tin of paint and a wall.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12"How do I transfer the paint from the tin?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15"I have tried smearing it, I have tried lifting..."
0:03:15 > 0:03:20In my mind, there's a thing like a Jedward's head.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:24You can just dip it in and run along the wall.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Who else is here, who else is here?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Would you look at David Seaman? A pleasure to have you here, sir.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Looking fantastic. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Despite my love of Mr Seaman on a club level for many years,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41may I compliment you on the tight leather jacket you're wearing
0:03:41 > 0:03:43and the way you've ruffed your hair.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47You've come in fancy dress as "the male menopause". Good to have you here.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56So, one of the things when you're touring, like a comic or whatever,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59you do stories over and over again and get some audience messing around,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01and you have a bit of craic with that.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Sometimes, you have to retire something. Sometimes, you've got to
0:04:04 > 0:04:07knock a routine on the head because it's just... It's been won.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Some audience member has just nailed it
0:04:10 > 0:04:14and nothing will ever be as perfect... I was in Killarney, right,
0:04:14 > 0:04:17and I had a routine about stupid things you do on your holidays,
0:04:17 > 0:04:21where I'd ask the audience, "What's the stupidest thing you've ever done on holiday?"
0:04:21 > 0:04:23This guy gave an answer that I frankly...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25You know, I should've given him a diploma at the end of it,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28cos it was such a sweet, beautiful, perfect...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30It was lovely as a short thing. And comedians love brevity.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33We love that beautiful... It's like Twitter.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I love Twitter, mainly because it's allowed up to 40,000 people
0:04:36 > 0:04:41to contact me directly and tell me I look like Gru from Despicable Me.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:51We love a bit of brevity. So I'm chatting to this audience member... I'll give you an example.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55I would ask the audience, "What is the most stupid thing you've done on your holidays?"
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Throw out the first line. Stupidest thing you've done on holiday?
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Lost my passport. - Lost passport.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Brilliant first example. Standard kind of answer. Give me another one.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Had sex with a man! - Had sex with a man.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08LAUGHTER
0:05:12 > 0:05:16A surprisingly common response.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19And, if you're gay, actually not that weird at all.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Lost passport, had sex with a man, give me one more for the hell of it.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Bit by a donkey.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27"Bit by a donkey". LAUGHTER
0:05:27 > 0:05:29That's very much the stupidest thing the donkey did,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32rather than you, if the truth be told.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34So, lost a passport, had sex with a man, bitten by a donkey.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37It's a hell of a night out. It's a fantastic single evening.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41If you could roll that into one story, you're in the game here. That is fantastic.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44They're all good answers, but they could have happened anywhere.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47You could lose your passport at home, you could have sex with a man anywhere you want.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51It's on your phone, Grindr, check it out, right?
0:05:51 > 0:05:55You could go to Blackpool and have sex with a donkey... Oh, not have sex with a donkey!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Don't go to Blackpool and have sex with a donkey, OK?
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Of all the things... If you take anything away from tonight's show,
0:06:09 > 0:06:14let it not be, "Oh, yeah, Blackpool - you can ride the donkeys."
0:06:14 > 0:06:15LAUGHTER
0:06:15 > 0:06:19"It's fantastic, it's out of season, not getting much work..." No, no!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23You've just got to go with this stuff when it happens.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25No, they're all fine things, grand things...
0:06:25 > 0:06:29I walked out in Killarney and I said, "What is the stupidest thing you've ever done on your holidays?"
0:06:29 > 0:06:32And a man in the front row just raised his hand and went,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35"Eh, I kicked an armadillo."
0:06:35 > 0:06:37LAUGHTER
0:06:42 > 0:06:46"Why did you kick an armadillo?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:48"I dunno, he just walked out in front of me."
0:06:51 > 0:06:55He was on a nature trek... LAUGHTER
0:06:55 > 0:06:58..with a local guide sympathetically showing him the wildlife.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Literally, there's a man at the front with a tree going,
0:07:01 > 0:07:03"If you look up there, you can see that's the nest.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07"Let's just pull back the bush. Can you see the tracks as it walks...?"
0:07:07 > 0:07:12And he's at the back, minding his own business, and an armadillo
0:07:12 > 0:07:15walked out in front of him and he just panicked and went,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17"Argh! Jesus!" And foomph! LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Hoofed it. Properly caught it with the instep.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Foomph, fam, right?
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Lifted it over a tree...
0:07:28 > 0:07:32..converted the armadillo, right?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Now, I have no idea what I find more delicious about the story, right?
0:07:35 > 0:07:38The face of the tour guide going,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41"Don't kick the wildlife!"
0:07:41 > 0:07:44LAUGHTER
0:07:44 > 0:07:48"Was that not obvious in the general tone of what we're doing here today?"
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Or the armadillo going, "This is a bad day for me!"
0:07:54 > 0:07:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Apropos of nothing, stupidest thing I've ever done on my holiday,
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Bondi Beach in Australia, went to visit, was looking at the lads on the surf boards going,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"Look at that. Will you look at that? Fizz, fizz, fizz, fantastic,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17"would you look, that's fantastic. I can do... Look how easy...
0:08:17 > 0:08:20"They're standing on the boards. This must be a doddle.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23"I'm going to do this, I'm going to..." Went to the board rental area,
0:08:23 > 0:08:27picked out the largest board they had, ran to the water,
0:08:27 > 0:08:33with the music from Hawaii Five-0 playing in my head.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36It's amazing how quickly, with the addition of water,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39a surf board turns into a bar of soap. Floomph, foomp!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Gone, out of your hands.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46And then there's a moment of tension.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Because when they rent you a surf board, they strap it to your leg.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53So when it goes, a second later,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56you go as well.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58So I picked up the board, hoping nobody spotted.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00I ran back into the water again, right?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Every time I tried it, foomph, there it goes, then there it goes again.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05This went on for 20 minutes.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08It seems like a victimless crime, but the underside of a surf board
0:09:08 > 0:09:10has three bloody razor blades stuck onto it.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14For no reason other than to nick across your legs and cut you!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17After 20 minutes I looked like some weird emo chick.
0:09:17 > 0:09:22I had all these tiny nicks and bruises and blood running on my legs,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25which is a bad thing to do in the waters off Australia.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27LAUGHTER
0:09:27 > 0:09:30I was beginning to lure sharks INTO Bondi Beach.
0:09:30 > 0:09:37Like Angelina Jolie at the Oscars, one leg dangled alluringly out.
0:09:37 > 0:09:42"Come on, smell this with your big nose! You know we're here," right?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44At one stage, I ran to the water, mistimed it so the wave front
0:09:44 > 0:09:47was about this height as I came at it, right?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49When that happens - let me give you a little tip -
0:09:49 > 0:09:53the most important thing is to lift the board OVER the wave.
0:09:53 > 0:09:58Or to break the wave underneath with the pointy end of the board.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Don't do what I did.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Which is hold the board up FLAT towards the wave...
0:10:06 > 0:10:12..in an effort to somehow deflect the southern ocean away from myself.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Like a table tennis player, I'd just go, "F'dunk!"
0:10:14 > 0:10:16And the ocean would go, "There you go."
0:10:17 > 0:10:21I managed to harness the entire gravitational pull of the moon...
0:10:22 > 0:10:26..on to my own head - "Foomp, thunk. Ah, Jesus!"
0:10:26 > 0:10:27"Noooo! God!"
0:10:30 > 0:10:33As I'm recovering from this knock, I see a bloke, a surfer guy,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36with a board under his arm, laughing at me and I'm going,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38"You can't do that.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41"That is bad etiquette in the surfing community, to laugh at the new guy.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43"Well, screw you, I'm going to master this.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45"Look at you, I'm going to master you...
0:10:45 > 0:10:46"I'm going to LEAP!"
0:10:46 > 0:10:49And I leapt onto the board, I went, "I've got you now!"
0:10:49 > 0:10:52"Oh, Jesus! You're not as buoyant as you let on..."
0:10:52 > 0:10:54LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:56And then you're just sitting in the water,
0:10:56 > 0:10:59with the waves just lapping in and out...
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Looking at the rest of the surfing community going, "How are you, lads?"
0:11:06 > 0:11:09"Yeah, great, great day on the waves, great day on the waves.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11"Couple of good breakers out there at the moment,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13"might take a bit of a break myself,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16"cos I'm a bit weak from the blood loss at this stage."
0:11:16 > 0:11:19And I'm looking at your man, I don't want to leave the water
0:11:19 > 0:11:22cos he's there and he's in tears laughing at this stage,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24just this guy pointing at me and doubled over,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27and I go, "I've got to walk past you."
0:11:27 > 0:11:29And I pick up the board, I just walk past your man,
0:11:29 > 0:11:33and I do the only thing you can do in this situation,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35I just kind of go, "Uhhh," like that.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38The universal kind of "Uhhh."
0:11:38 > 0:11:42And I vividly to this day remember, your man just looks at me
0:11:42 > 0:11:44and in the thickest accent I have ever heard in my life
0:11:44 > 0:11:45just goes "Ah, Jesus, Dara -
0:11:45 > 0:11:49"we Irish are shite at surfing, did you not know that?"
0:11:49 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Right. We, tonight, have a spectacular show, a stellar show, a lovely show.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05two fabulously gifted comedians are going to come out here and blow your socks off.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08It's going to be amazing, ladies and gentlemen.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Are you in the mood to hear our first act tonight?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Ladies and gentlemen, please raise the roof
0:12:15 > 0:12:18for the very beautiful, the very gifted, the very wonderful
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Nina Conti.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:36 > 0:12:37Hello, everybody.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Well, I'm a ventriloquist.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43I just wondered, would you tell me your name?
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Louisa?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Would you join me on the stage, please, Louisa, for a second?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Could we give it up for Louisa?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Thank you so much, Louisa, come here and stand in the middle.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Can you tell us what you do? - I'm a projects manager.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08You're a projects manager, excellent.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Would you stand on my left there?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I'm just going to give you a slight make over, which...
0:13:13 > 0:13:16It's going to take the heat off you and you don't have to worry
0:13:16 > 0:13:19so much about what you say and everything, all right?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:23 > 0:13:24I'm just going to put this on...
0:13:29 > 0:13:31OK, Louisa, how are you doing?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34'Oh, I'm loving it!'
0:13:34 > 0:13:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- 'Oh, this is magical!' - It's magic?
0:13:39 > 0:13:40'It's a magical night!'
0:13:40 > 0:13:42I'm so glad, come forward a little bit.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44So, um, so you...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47LAUGHTER
0:13:47 > 0:13:49'Ha ha! Oh, my goodness!'
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- So...- 'I'm so glad I sat in the front row.'
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- 'I wear a jumper on all occasions.' - You do?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03'I'm the coldest-blooded person in the room!'
0:14:04 > 0:14:06'Ha-ha-ha! I really am!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09'Ha-ha-ha! Oh, God!'
0:14:10 > 0:14:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:13 > 0:14:15'Oh, my head!'
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Is your head all right?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18'Yeah, yeah, yeah, my head's fine.'
0:14:18 > 0:14:20- OK...- 'I like to shrug,'
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Yes, I noticed.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24'It's my natural body language.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26'Oh! There it goes again!
0:14:26 > 0:14:27'Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:14:27 > 0:14:31'I'm just looking at my feet, making sure they're still there...'
0:14:31 > 0:14:35'Yeah, I feel carried away, I feel liberated.'
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- 'Itchy arm.'- Yes.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:41 > 0:14:42So, tell me...
0:14:42 > 0:14:45'Oh, what a nightmare, but I love it.'
0:14:45 > 0:14:47So, what brought you here tonight?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49'Well, it wasn't actually the comedy.'
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- No? - 'No, I saw a fit guy in the queue.'
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Really?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55'Yeah, I did, I saw one,'
0:14:56 > 0:14:59That's lovely, can you see him from here?
0:14:59 > 0:15:01'I couldn't get the seat next to him.'
0:15:01 > 0:15:04No, but is he round about here?
0:15:04 > 0:15:05'Yeah, he's somewhere here.'
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Show me. Which one is he?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09LAUGHTER
0:15:11 > 0:15:13'I'm just looking for him, where did he go?'
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Which one, do you want to point to him?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18'Yeah, let's see.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Where's he gone?'
0:15:22 > 0:15:24It could have been any of these guys, right?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26'Yeah, well, no, it wasn't one of them.'
0:15:26 > 0:15:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:30 > 0:15:32'No, it wasn't one of them.'
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- OK, was it one of these guys? - 'Yeah, it was him.'
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Which one? That one?
0:15:35 > 0:15:36'The green T-shirt.'
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- Him?- 'Yeah, that's him.'
0:15:38 > 0:15:39You found him?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41'That's the one, get him up here.'
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Will you come up here? - 'Get him up here now!'
0:15:46 > 0:15:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- 'Oh, this is exciting!'- It's nice!
0:15:52 > 0:15:53'I'm so glad I found him.'
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I'm glad, too, I thought it was going to take a while.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57'No, he's there.'
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Thank you for joining us.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00'Oh, isn't he lovely?'
0:16:00 > 0:16:01LAUGHTER
0:16:01 > 0:16:02What's your name?
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Scott.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05'Oh, fantastic.'
0:16:05 > 0:16:06You like that?
0:16:06 > 0:16:08'Oh, it's a dreamy name!'
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- And where are you from?- Melbourne. - Melbourne?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12'Ohh! What an oxymoron!'
0:16:12 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER
0:16:14 > 0:16:15It's not exactly an oxymoron.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18'No, it's the first word that came into your head.'
0:16:19 > 0:16:21'Get a mask on him.'
0:16:21 > 0:16:22That's what I was going to do.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- 'Get on with it then.' - All right.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27'I'll just entertain the audience with my shrugs.'
0:16:27 > 0:16:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:31 > 0:16:33'And my eyebrows!'
0:16:33 > 0:16:35And your eyebrows, all right.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39So, Scott, I'm just going to give you the same treatment.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Excuse me, this is just, er...
0:16:42 > 0:16:44..the same thing.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49All right, can you...?
0:16:49 > 0:16:51She's doing well, come over close.
0:16:51 > 0:16:52'Ha-ha-ha-ha!'
0:16:52 > 0:16:54'Wow!'
0:16:55 > 0:16:57'This is fantastic!'
0:16:57 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:59 > 0:17:01'Oh, my days!'
0:17:03 > 0:17:06'This is the night of my life!'
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Come a little closer.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10'Sorry, your arms aren't so long.'
0:17:10 > 0:17:11So, erm...
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- 'Oh, she's lovely!'- She is.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16'Oh, thank you! I saw you in the queue.'
0:17:16 > 0:17:18- 'I saw- you- in the queue and all!'
0:17:18 > 0:17:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:24 > 0:17:27'If you take your jumper off
0:17:27 > 0:17:28'I'll warm you up with a nice cuddle.'
0:17:30 > 0:17:32'Awww, it would be a privilege and an honour.'
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Listen, guys, I feel a bit of a gooseberry,
0:17:34 > 0:17:36should I leave you two?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37'No, don't leave.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39'I'll get tongue-tied if you leave.'
0:17:40 > 0:17:42'Don't leave, not yet.'
0:17:42 > 0:17:44OK, all right, but I'm glad that you like each other.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47'Yes, yes, isn't that...lucky?'
0:17:48 > 0:17:50'Very lucky.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51'He's lovely.'
0:17:51 > 0:17:53'I love project managers.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56'There's nothing more exciting in my life I can think of
0:17:56 > 0:17:58'than managing a project.'
0:17:59 > 0:18:02'Oh, now, let me tell you,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04'the laughs we have.'
0:18:04 > 0:18:07OK, that's fantastic.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11'This is romantic, have you got any romantic music, Nina?'
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Yes, we can probably manage that.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- 'Oh, that'd be good.' - 'That'd be lovely.'
0:18:15 > 0:18:16ROMANTIC MUSIC
0:18:16 > 0:18:17Is that good?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19'Oh, magical.'
0:18:19 > 0:18:20'Oooh.'
0:18:20 > 0:18:22You look confused?
0:18:22 > 0:18:25'I've heard it somewhere before...'
0:18:25 > 0:18:27'In a dream maybe?'
0:18:28 > 0:18:31So, are you going to talk to each other after the show?
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- 'Yes, I think we are.' - 'I think we will, yeah.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- I'm looking forward to it. - Good.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39'What the hell, I'm going to seize the day.'
0:18:39 > 0:18:40What are you going to do?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42'I'm going to get down on one knee...'
0:18:42 > 0:18:43- Really?! - 'Oh, my goodness!'
0:18:43 > 0:18:47'I'm going to get down on one knee now, like this,'
0:18:47 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:53 > 0:18:55'I'm just going to say...'
0:18:58 > 0:19:00'..I love you,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02'with your hairy jumper and your silly voice...'
0:19:04 > 0:19:06'..and your need to shrug.'
0:19:07 > 0:19:08'Will you be my bride?'
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- 'Yes, I will!'- Ohh!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12that's lovely! How lovely!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Are you going to kiss? - 'Yes, we are!'
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- You don't have to... - 'No, we want to kiss!'
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- I don't want you to feel pressurised... - 'No, there's no pressure!'
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- 'We really want to kiss!' - 'Yes, we do!'
0:19:28 > 0:19:29OK. Well, whenever you're ready,
0:19:29 > 0:19:30'Here I come.'
0:19:30 > 0:19:32'Here I am.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35'Here I come... Mwhaaa!'
0:19:35 > 0:19:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Well done! You were both amazing.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Thank you so much
0:19:43 > 0:19:46You can sit down - give them a huge round of applause.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Amazing, thank you so much, I was Nina, good night!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Thank you.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Ladies and gentlemen, Nina Conti, one more time for Nina Conti!
0:20:17 > 0:20:20CHEERING
0:20:20 > 0:20:22How great was that?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Right, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to bring on
0:20:26 > 0:20:28our second act tonight. Would you please raise the roof
0:20:28 > 0:20:32for the very funny Mr Danny Bhoy, ladies and gentlemen!
0:20:32 > 0:20:36CHEERING
0:20:36 > 0:20:40MUSIC: "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes
0:20:44 > 0:20:47Hello! Hello!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Hellooo!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Thank you. How are you?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53CHEERING
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- So, do we have Scottish people in? Give me a cheer.- Whoo!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58It's not a call to arms, but thanks.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00"Waah!"
0:21:00 > 0:21:02"This is it! This is what we've been waiting for!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07"Wait for his word! Hold, hold...
0:21:08 > 0:21:12"We've got as far as London, Danny. All we needed was a leader!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16"Rragh! We are few, but we are strong!"
0:21:20 > 0:21:23You know, what's alarming me, from a Scottish point of view,
0:21:23 > 0:21:27is the World Cup in 2022 has gone to Qatar.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29That's in the Middle East, but it's a dry country,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31there's no alcohol allowed in Qatar.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Knowing our luck, that'll be the one World Cup we qualify for,
0:21:34 > 0:21:38the one we can't even go and enjoy.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41You're not going to get any Scottish fans going to that.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Can't drink for three weeks? You'll be lucky to get 11 players!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48"What, I can't drink for three weeks?
0:21:48 > 0:21:52"That's my hamstring gone. Sorry about that, boys."
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Can't drink? Unbelievable.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00You know, if you get caught drinking in Qatar, the punishment is...
0:22:00 > 0:22:02you get lashed.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06LAUGHTER
0:22:06 > 0:22:10Someone's going to have to explain to Scottish fans as soon as they get off the plane
0:22:10 > 0:22:12there's a more literal meaning to that phrase.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14Could be very confusing.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"Scotland, welcome to Qatar.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19"Congratulations on qualifying...
0:22:19 > 0:22:21"Surprised us all.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27"But remember, if you drink here in Qatar, you will get lashed."
0:22:30 > 0:22:32"Aye, you're no wrong, mate, eh?
0:22:33 > 0:22:36"It's exactly the same back home, by the way.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39"Don't worry about it."
0:22:39 > 0:22:42"No, Scotland, I don't think you understand,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45"if you drink, you will get beaten by the police."
0:22:48 > 0:22:52"It's exactly the same back home, mate, exactly the same,
0:22:52 > 0:22:53"don't worry about it."
0:23:00 > 0:23:04You know, you can't use offensive language in Qatar in public either.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06You can't swear in public.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09You're at a football game, how's that going to work?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Something happens on the pitch you don't like,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14"Referee!
0:23:15 > 0:23:16"That's...
0:23:18 > 0:23:21"That's a terrible decision.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26"Yeah, you're a...you're a bad man!
0:23:26 > 0:23:30"You heard. You, you could use my spectacles."
0:23:33 > 0:23:38Qatar gets temperatures of up to 50 degrees in the summer.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41How do you describe that kind of heat if you can't swear?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Right?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48APPLAUSE
0:23:48 > 0:23:50What do you do?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Walk out your front door and go, "Oh!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56"Have sex with me, it's hot."
0:23:59 > 0:24:02"That's fatherless child hot."
0:24:04 > 0:24:09Last year I was in Australia.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- There are some Australians in, right?- Whoo!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Do me a favour, tell this wonderful audience
0:24:15 > 0:24:18what you call an off licence in Australia.
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Bottle-o.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Bottle-o, which is short for...
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- Bottle shop.- Bottle shop. I like the way you said "bottle-o" first.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27"I'm not saying bottle shop, mate, it takes too long.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30"Bottle-o, it's bottle-o. I'm not saying bottle shop!
0:24:30 > 0:24:34"Who's Mr Fancy Pants with his bottle shop?"
0:24:34 > 0:24:38It's bottle shop, but they shorten it to bottle-o, right?
0:24:40 > 0:24:43"Bottle-o mate, bottle-o!"
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Bottle shop, they call it a bottle shop.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47I'd love to have been on the committee
0:24:47 > 0:24:49when you came up with that.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51"Right, settle down.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54"Ssh! No, listen.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56"We've got a shop...
0:25:00 > 0:25:05"Listen up, we've got a shop here with bottles in it, right?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08"We're going to need a name.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14"Any ideas? No? All right, we'll leave that one for now."
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Come back after lunch. "Right, settle down, listen up,
0:25:19 > 0:25:23"we've got two suggestions now for the shop with bottles.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25"Listen up, settle down.
0:25:27 > 0:25:28"First up...
0:25:30 > 0:25:32"Shop bottle."
0:25:36 > 0:25:38"John came up with that. Nice one, John, I like that.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41"There's nothing wrong with that, mate.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44"Shop bottle - it's got everything we need.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46"I like that, mate. Give yourself one of them, mate.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"Listen up. Barry,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57"he's gone with bottle shop.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00"That's good too, Barry, nothing wrong with that.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02"We'll have a quick show of hands, one, two, three,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05"and bottle shop - five, six, right. Bottle shop it is.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07"Surprises me, but there you go.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09"One of those, mate. You're all right.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13"Right, next we need a name
0:26:13 > 0:26:17"for that great big barrier reef at the top of the country. Anyone?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19"Anyone? No? All right...
0:26:19 > 0:26:22APPLAUSE
0:26:22 > 0:26:26"Oh, oh, and er...
0:26:26 > 0:26:31"I've just been told there's already a South Wales in Britain,
0:26:31 > 0:26:36"so we'll need a new name for that."
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I love Australians, though, they're great people.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I heard one of the best phrases I've heard in a long time.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I was doing a gig in Perth, in western Australia
0:26:51 > 0:26:55and erm, it was very hot and I was backstage
0:26:55 > 0:26:58and a guy came and said, "Can I get you anything, Danny, mate?"
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I said, "Is there any air conditioning?"
0:27:01 > 0:27:03"Aw, I'll go and check for you, mate."
0:27:03 > 0:27:05He never came back, right?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07That's not a major problem, I thought,
0:27:07 > 0:27:09but I'm on my way to the stage and I saw him
0:27:09 > 0:27:11and I said, "Oh, by the way, you forgot...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13"what happened with the air conditioning?"
0:27:13 > 0:27:16This is what he said. I hadn't heard this phrase before.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18He went, "Aww,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21"balls out, I totally forgot."
0:27:21 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER
0:27:29 > 0:27:31There's no need for that.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Your apology is fine.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36But it's an Australian way of saying, "to be honest."
0:27:36 > 0:27:39They say, "Balls out, mate, balls out, I'm not lying to you.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41"Me balls are out, mate, I'm not lying to you,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44"look, me balls are out, look at me balls, mate, me balls are out,
0:27:44 > 0:27:46"I'm telling you the truth, mate!"
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I wonder if that's ever been transferred to a court of law.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54"Do you swear to tell the truth,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57"the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
0:28:03 > 0:28:05"I think that answers your question."
0:28:07 > 0:28:09APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:10Thank you.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Folks, you've been lovely.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Thank you so much. Take care of yourselves. Cheers.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18CHEERING
0:28:18 > 0:28:19Thank you.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28Danny Bhoy, ladies and gentlemen! Danny Bhoy!
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Give it up for everyone you saw tonight -
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Nina Conti, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Thanking you and you
0:28:38 > 0:28:41and Danny Bhoy as well, ladies and gentlemen!
0:28:41 > 0:28:42I've been Dara O Briain.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45This is Live at the Apollo. Thank you very much.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47Goodnight, see you again. Goodnight, folks.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd