0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains adult humour
0:00:18 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Rhod Gilbert!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Hello.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Good evening.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43- Good evening. Are you well? - CHEERING
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Welcome to Live At The Apollo. Each and every one of you is very, very welcome here.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50We have a wonderful show. We have some famous faces as always in the audience.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Esther Rantzen is here. Where are you, Esther?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Look at that. We have Olympians, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58We have our Olympians.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01CHEERING
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Who else? Tommy Walsh. Tommy Walsh is there. Look at that!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Lembit Opik is here.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Of course he bloody is!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11I'm not going to pick on you. I'm not. I'm not.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15No, I'm not! Somebody laughed at that idea. I'm not going to pick on anyone.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17I'm a reformed character,
0:01:17 > 0:01:21ladies and gentlemen. I stand in front of you... This is the new me.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24I used to be quite a petty, angry person...
0:01:24 > 0:01:29You may have seen me on television ranting and raving on the odd occasion. I am not any more
0:01:29 > 0:01:31because I have had...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34er, what is it? I've had anger management.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35WHISTLING
0:01:35 > 0:01:39I have. I've had anger management and this, ladies and gentleman,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42is the actual anger management diary
0:01:42 > 0:01:46that I had from when I was doing my anger management sessions. I'm not going to embarrass anyone.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50I'm not going to ask if you've had anger management or ever seen an anger management diary.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Basically, every time you get angry, you write it down in this diary.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55It's a bit like a normal diary
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- except every day somebody gets twatted, right? - LAUGHTER
0:01:59 > 0:02:02I can guarantee you somebody gets the shit kicked out of them
0:02:02 > 0:02:04every day of my diary.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08It's a sort of cross between Bridget Jones' diary and Mel Gibson's,
0:02:08 > 0:02:10if you can imagine such a thing.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13And I'm going to take you through some of the entries in my diary
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Basically, the way it works is you go...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Well, I went every two weeks.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22And in the interim, you leave the meeting and they give you
0:02:22 > 0:02:24an anger management diary and you have to write down
0:02:24 > 0:02:28every single time you got angry, who you got angry with, who said what to whom,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32how you could have avoided, what you've learnt from the whole experience...
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I'm going to level with you. Filling this out pisses you off
0:02:34 > 0:02:37more than anything else that happens in the two weeks.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Because it's tedious. Every time you get angry, you've got to write it down.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45And partly as well, there are stupid questions on this diary.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50I know in every area of life, every form we ever fill in, there are stupid questions.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54But bear in mind the context. You're angry when you pick this up.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57By definition, you are pissed off when you reach for this diary
0:02:57 > 0:02:59and then you come to questions like this, right.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Look at this shit. Every incident, I had to fill this out.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07On a scale of one to ten, where one is not at all angry
0:03:07 > 0:03:11- and ten is feelings of very strong anger or rage... - LAUGHTER
0:03:11 > 0:03:16..how angry would you say you were at the start of this particular incident?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18I've put, "What's the point in having a scale
0:03:18 > 0:03:21where one is not at all angry on a pissing anger management diary?"
0:03:21 > 0:03:24When are you going to get so wound up you think,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27"This is going straight in the diary. Give me that bloody diary.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30"Right. One, not at all angry. There you go."
0:03:31 > 0:03:33When is that going to happen?!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36If I'm honest, I was in the wrong frame of mind filling this out
0:03:36 > 0:03:39because if I read this diary out to you...
0:03:39 > 0:03:44If you read all of it in chronological order, you would see that this worked over time.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48If you're doing anger management or counselling, stick with it because I think it works.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51It works out over time, but it doesn't work overnight.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53And I'm going to read you some of the early examples
0:03:53 > 0:03:57from my anger management diary where I think you will detect
0:03:57 > 0:04:01from the tone that I'm not quite in the right frame of mind yet.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Let's see if you can hear it. "Who or what..." This is an early one.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"Who or what would you say was the main cause of your stress
0:04:06 > 0:04:10or feelings of anger on this particular occasion?"
0:04:10 > 0:04:13I've put, "First Great Western rail company
0:04:13 > 0:04:16"deciding that me popping to London on the train from Cardiff
0:04:16 > 0:04:20"should cost the same as an all-inclusive seven-night holiday in Spain."
0:04:20 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:22 > 0:04:23APPLAUSE
0:04:23 > 0:04:25There we go.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29I put in brackets, "For a family of 43."
0:04:29 > 0:04:33"In your own words," it says, "In your own words describe
0:04:33 > 0:04:36"how you felt at the time. I've put, "Well, in my own words,
0:04:36 > 0:04:39"I felt like First Great Western had pulled my trousers and pants down,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"bent me over the counter and force fed
0:04:42 > 0:04:44"an entire baseball bat into my bottom."
0:04:44 > 0:04:46LAUGHTER
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Can you hear the tone? Not quite in the right frame of mind.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55Then it says, "What action did you take to combat the stress
0:04:55 > 0:04:58"or feelings of anger? For example, counting to ten
0:04:58 > 0:05:02"or breathing exercises." I put, "I wrote everything down
0:05:02 > 0:05:05"in this amazing anger management diary
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"and I instantly felt so relaxed I barely noticed
0:05:08 > 0:05:11"the last nine inches of bat going in."
0:05:11 > 0:05:13LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:19This is not somebody who's in the right frame of mind, is it?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Here's another one. Here's another one.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24You can tell I'm just not the right headspace.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29"Who or what would you say was the main cause of your stress of feelings of anger on this occasion?"
0:05:29 > 0:05:32I've put, "Our dickhead electrician," right?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Which immediately isn't off to a great start.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Then it says, "Our dickhead electrician not turning up to
0:05:37 > 0:05:39"do the lights in our kitchen for the ninth time in two weeks."
0:05:39 > 0:05:42"Give details of any conversations you had."
0:05:42 > 0:05:45"I didn't have any conversations. The dickhead didn't turn up."
0:05:45 > 0:05:46LAUGHTER
0:05:46 > 0:05:48"How was the situation resolved?"
0:05:48 > 0:05:51"With dickhead not turning up and me cooking in the dark again."
0:05:51 > 0:05:53It says, "Using this experience,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56"what would you do differently in the event of a similar incident?"
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I've put, "Invent a luminous pie." Right?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03LAUGHTER
0:06:03 > 0:06:06To be fair, to be fair to me, right, in my defence,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09I do think I was up against...
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Maybe I got unlucky with my builder friend. Tommy, you can tell me.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Did I get unlucky? I know you are a builder, not an electrician,
0:06:15 > 0:06:17but you can still answer this question.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21What would be your absolute record in a row for not turning up
0:06:21 > 0:06:24when you promised you would?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- Four.- Four. God bless your honesty!
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Because my electrician...
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Did I get unlucky? Because 14 times he didn't turn up
0:06:33 > 0:06:35when he promised he would.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37You know, 14 times incidentally, where I sat on my arse
0:06:37 > 0:06:41watching shit daytime television, no offence, Tommy...
0:06:41 > 0:06:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:44 > 0:06:46I sat on my arse twiddling my thumbs,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48watching shit daytime telly.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Presumably, he did exactly the same thing round at his house
0:06:50 > 0:06:53but that he came. He finally came, right...
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Have you ever seen anything this incompetent, right,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59because I'm 43 and I've travelled the world,
0:06:59 > 0:07:03I've seen a thing or two but I've never seen anything this shit.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07I've never seen anything this incompetent in any area of life.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10This electrician came and he fitted... What you call it?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13- You know double plug sockets.- Yes.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15He fitted 15 of those, all around the lounge,
0:07:15 > 0:07:18all around the dining room. 13 of them, Tommy, are awesome.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Awesome. Some of the finest plug sockets you'll ever see in your
0:07:21 > 0:07:23life. Beautiful pieces of work.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Two of them, however, the upside pissing down.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30How is that even possible? Have you ever seen that?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I've never seen an upside-down plug...
0:07:32 > 0:07:36Literally, the switch is at the top, you push it in.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Half the light switches are on the wrong way round as well, right?
0:07:39 > 0:07:40I can live with that.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44I was going to complain about that until I saw the plug sockets.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I'll leave it go because it's not the end of the world.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Some of them are on when they are up,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51some are on when they are down. It's a bit inconvenient. They all work.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53Until you come to change a light bulb
0:07:53 > 0:07:55and then it's Russian roulette, frankly.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I let it go. I let the light switches go.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00We've all seen that before.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I've never seen upside down sockets. I rang him, right.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06The conversation I had with my attrition is in my anger management diary.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10This is the conversation with my electrician because he has
0:08:10 > 0:08:14put two plug sockets upside down in our lounge. I rang him, right.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I said, "This is a bit awkward.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19"But you seem to have fitted two of the plug sockets upside down."
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Do you know what he said, Tommy? "Are you sure?"
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I said, "I think so. I'm pretty sure. Let me just check.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27"Oh, hang on, my girlfriend has just come in.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"Her head seems to be roughly the same height as mine.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"Her eyes are above her mouth.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33"When we drop things, they fall towards our feet.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36"We seem to be the right way up, mate."
0:08:36 > 0:08:39This is a genuine question from my electrician to me. A genuine question.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42"Would you prefer them all the same way up, would you?"
0:08:45 > 0:08:49"I think I would. I'm old school. What can I say? I can't help it."
0:08:49 > 0:08:52And he's always on the front foot. He's one of those people.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54He would never take criticism, this guy.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56He's like, "What do you want me to do about it?"
0:08:56 > 0:08:59He's on the phone, "What do you expect me to do about it?
0:08:59 > 0:09:00I said, "There seem to be two choices.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"One involves you popping back to the house
0:09:03 > 0:09:04"and turning the two sockets round.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07"And the other one involves you trying to persuade the entire world
0:09:07 > 0:09:10"to starting to live upside down, doesn't it?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13"I should point out, if you do decide to go down at second route,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16"it could actually involve a lot more work for you in the long run
0:09:16 > 0:09:19"because once you've travelled the world, spreading
0:09:19 > 0:09:22"the topsy-turvy Gospel according to St Pissing Nutjob
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"The Inverted, you'll have to bounce back here on your head and redo
0:09:25 > 0:09:28"the 13 sockets you put on the right way round in the first place."
0:09:28 > 0:09:31APPLAUSE
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Ladies and gentlemen of the wonderful Hammersmith Apollo,
0:09:38 > 0:09:41are you ready to welcome your first act of the evening?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43CHEERING
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Start cheering, start whooping and go wild and crazy
0:09:47 > 0:09:51for the wonderful talents that are Kerry Godliman!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Wow. Hello.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10How lovely! This is lovely. I'm so happy to be to be here.
0:10:10 > 0:10:15Generally, I like coming to work these days cos I love my job.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20I like this job because I'm allowed to be sarcastic at work, you know,
0:10:20 > 0:10:24which I'm sure many of you do, but I'm contractually obligated to be
0:10:24 > 0:10:27sarcastic at work. I used to do it in my old job.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29I remember. I was like, "Oooh, well done, Toby.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33"That's a brilliant spaceship, you dick." LAUGHTER
0:10:36 > 0:10:39That is how I lost my job in the primary school, really.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44It's weird. Sarcasm is very popular, isn't it, in this country?
0:10:44 > 0:10:47We go mental for it. We love sarcasm.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Sometimes I think it's too popular. Sometimes I think it creeps
0:10:50 > 0:10:53into situations where it doesn't really belong.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I'll give you an example. Recently, I was at the dentist
0:10:56 > 0:10:58and they had a poster in the waiting room
0:10:58 > 0:11:04and it said, "Question - do I have to floss between all of my teeth?
0:11:04 > 0:11:08"Answer - no, just the ones you want to keep."
0:11:08 > 0:11:11LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:17I don't think sarcasm is appropriate in a medical context, really.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I mean, where do you draw the line with that?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22What if you're at the doctor's, in the waiting room
0:11:22 > 0:11:25and there's a poster on the wall and it says, "Question...
0:11:25 > 0:11:28"can I eat all the pies?"
0:11:29 > 0:11:34"Answer - yeah, you carry on, you thick, fat prat."
0:11:34 > 0:11:35LAUGHTER
0:11:35 > 0:11:38That would be quite an aggressive campaign, wouldn't it?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Although what's tragic is you wouldn't reel back in shock
0:11:42 > 0:11:47if you saw it in this country. You'd be like, "Oh, right. Well, I'll lay off the pies then."
0:11:47 > 0:11:51I've maxed out all my credit cards. I love the adverts
0:11:51 > 0:11:54on the radio for credit cards when the woman's really excited
0:11:54 > 0:11:57and she's like, get this credit card cos it's brilliant
0:11:57 > 0:12:00and there's zero interest for nine long months
0:12:00 > 0:12:02and you can buy loads of stuff
0:12:02 > 0:12:05and you can go into absolute denial about debt
0:12:05 > 0:12:08and it might even make you come and then...
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Right at the end, she goes, "Subject to availability,
0:12:11 > 0:12:15"fixed-rate variable APR, terms and conditions apply." What did you just say then?
0:12:15 > 0:12:18That's not a reasonable way of communicating, is it?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21You wouldn't tolerate being spoken to in that manner
0:12:21 > 0:12:24in any other situation in your life. You wouldn't put up with it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28You wouldn't put up with it if, for example, you were out on a date
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and you thought to yourself, this bloke's attractive.
0:12:31 > 0:12:37And he says to you, "I think you're attractive and I am solvent...
0:12:37 > 0:12:40"and I've got absolutely no emotional baggage,
0:12:40 > 0:12:45"but I will be intending to take you up the arse, not return your calls and erode your self-confidence."
0:12:45 > 0:12:47LAUGHTER
0:12:47 > 0:12:50APPLAUSE
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Sorry. I didn't catch everything you said then.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00You gabbled a bit then at the end.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04"Don't worry, darling. Do you want another little glass of wine?
0:13:04 > 0:13:08"Do hope you're game for a tit wank. I'll be recording it for training purposes."
0:13:08 > 0:13:11That would be quite unsettling, wouldn't it?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Initially.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14LAUGHTER
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Push through.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19The other quite nice thing about this job is
0:13:19 > 0:13:23not only am I allowed to be sarcastic, I'm allowed to exaggerate.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24All comedians exaggerate.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27It's quite a comedic conceit to use, exaggeration.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30And women are very good at exaggerating, generally speaking.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34We're a lot better than men at it, I think, apart from the...cock stuff.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37We're much better. We're much better at exaggerating than men.
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Women are very good at just slightly overreacting
0:13:41 > 0:13:43to arguably trivial things,
0:13:43 > 0:13:47We've got that covered. You know when a woman puts her hand in her handbag
0:13:47 > 0:13:49to find her purse...
0:13:49 > 0:13:53but she doesn't immediately find her purse?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55LAUGHTER
0:13:56 > 0:14:00"I've lost my purse. I'm not being funny.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03"I'm going to have to cancel all of my cards now and everything.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06"Oh, hang on. I've found it. I found it.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10"I hadn't checked the front pocket. What am I like?!"
0:14:10 > 0:14:11You're like a prick.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I think my tolerance for these things isn't very good anyway.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I'm quite a grumpy woman really. I'm quite tired, that's the problem.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I'm sleep deprived. I don't get enough kip.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30It's because I've got three young children.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33I've got a baby and I've got a slightly older one,
0:14:33 > 0:14:35and a bigger one...in the car.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37LAUGHTER
0:14:37 > 0:14:41And it's weird being this tired because I mean I'm proper knackered.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Of course there's a lot of make-up on my face to be honest.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47It's like a burqa of foundation...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49on my face.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Some days, I wear a burqa - I think, "Sod it, I can't work with this."
0:14:52 > 0:14:55LAUGHTER
0:14:55 > 0:14:57There's loads of women round my way that wear burqas
0:14:57 > 0:15:00and they're not all Muslim women, I'm telling you now.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Some of them are women having a bad hair day that are like,
0:15:03 > 0:15:07"Right, burqa day - I'm doing the school run. Get in the car!"
0:15:08 > 0:15:09So thank God for make-up.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Honestly, I properly cake it on, you know.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15I'm not as close to you as you think I am - that's how much make-up...
0:15:16 > 0:15:19No, I am tired. And I should've known I would be tired,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21cos I had mates that had kids before me and they said,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24"You will be tired." Because it's a real war story, isn't it,
0:15:24 > 0:15:25with new parents - they do go on about it.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29They're always banging on about it, like, "When you have a kid, right?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31"YOU BLEED FROM YOUR EYES!"
0:15:31 > 0:15:34LAUGHTER
0:15:34 > 0:15:36And, before I had children, I didn't...
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I couldn't have given less of a toss, really.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I remember thinking, "All right,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43"you haven't got a monopoly on tiredness, have you, you breeders?"
0:15:44 > 0:15:47I used to think to myself, "I know what tired is, actually.
0:15:47 > 0:15:53"Tired's when you work ALL DAY and then you go to the pub after work
0:15:53 > 0:15:56"and you stay until closing
0:15:56 > 0:15:58"and then maybe you go to a club and take class-A drugs
0:15:58 > 0:16:01"and sleep with a stranger and then get a minicab home."
0:16:01 > 0:16:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:08 > 0:16:10You do all that AND breast-feed.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Cos I'm not being funny...
0:16:13 > 0:16:14..it does ratchet up, it does.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Proper knackered now.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19It is very interesting,
0:16:19 > 0:16:20cos I-I find that it's very difficult
0:16:20 > 0:16:22communicating with very young children,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25that's the thing that I have found particularly to be a challenge.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Because, like, my daughter's at an age now
0:16:27 > 0:16:29where she's asking very big questions - big stuff, heavy things.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Like death and "Where do we go when we die?"
0:16:31 > 0:16:33and "How will I die?" and "What happens after we die?"
0:16:33 > 0:16:36and "Where to babies come from? and "Where do I come from?"
0:16:36 > 0:16:38It's like, "Argh! Google it!"
0:16:38 > 0:16:41LAUGHTER
0:16:41 > 0:16:42And I...
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I suppose I-I aspire to have answers for all her questions.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46You know, everything.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Like, "Mummy, Mummy, what's dogging?"
0:16:48 > 0:16:50LAUGHTER
0:16:50 > 0:16:52"Right, OK, darling. Well...
0:16:53 > 0:16:55"..dogging...
0:16:55 > 0:16:57"is when...
0:16:58 > 0:17:00"..three or four people...
0:17:02 > 0:17:03"that love each other...
0:17:05 > 0:17:07"go to a car park...
0:17:10 > 0:17:11"Go and ask your dad!"
0:17:11 > 0:17:13LAUGHTER
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Because it's hard.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17It's hard communicating with emotionally underdeveloped people.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I'll give you an example - last Christmas,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21we were doing the advent calendar, right?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24And she was three at the time and she insisted - she INSISTED -
0:17:24 > 0:17:27that the number eight came sequentially after the number five.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Now, you're thinking, "Does it matter, Kerry? She's only three."
0:17:30 > 0:17:32But when you haven't had any sodding sleep,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35you get into these debates with these people!
0:17:35 > 0:17:36And she didn't put it in a cute way,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39she put it like Gordon Ramsay running a Greggs.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43And I-I know that I'm supposed to be
0:17:43 > 0:17:45this sort of sanguine vision of motherhood,
0:17:45 > 0:17:47but I'm not naturally adept at it -
0:17:47 > 0:17:48I take her to toddler group
0:17:48 > 0:17:52and I'm like, "Right. You can't punch Milo in the face."
0:17:52 > 0:17:53And she goes, "Why not?"
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Which is a good question, cos Milo is a bit of a dick.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00"Right, you can't, babe. You can't, because..."
0:18:00 > 0:18:01"it makes ME look bad."
0:18:06 > 0:18:08She doesn't care, really.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09And it's hard.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12I mean, I thought I was tired when I had one kid, but now
0:18:12 > 0:18:14I look back on that, that was just like having an accessory, really.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Now...
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Now that I've got two, I'm properly broken.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I-I think they're trying to kill me.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:25I do - I hear them talking about it on the landing.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27They have little conferences.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31One's like, "Right, I'll-I'll get up at five, right?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35"And I'll be inexplicably perky.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"And then, just as I'm winding down for my nap...
0:18:40 > 0:18:41"YOU CRANK UP!"
0:18:41 > 0:18:43LAUGHTER
0:18:43 > 0:18:46"Start going mental for Coco Pops!
0:18:46 > 0:18:47"She ain't been shopping!"
0:18:47 > 0:18:49SHE LAUGHS
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"I think we can kill her! High-five."
0:18:53 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:58My judgment isn't reliable - I'm too tired to be sure,
0:18:58 > 0:18:59but, er...
0:18:59 > 0:19:00No, it's very hard.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I-I prepared for motherhood by watching Supernanny.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04That's-that's how I prepared.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07I know - I don't really know what I was thinking.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08I-I got smug, in fact.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I remember watching it and thinking, "Right, I've sussed this out.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13"I'm not going to end up like one of those
0:19:13 > 0:19:16"wet, middle-class mothers that say things like, 'Megan...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18" 'You're really upsetting Mummy, Megan.' "
0:19:18 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER
0:19:21 > 0:19:24" 'No, Megan. Don't-don't cut Mummy, Megan.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29" 'No, Megan, no. No, not Mummy's face!
0:19:29 > 0:19:31" 'NOT MUMMY'S FA-A-ACE!' "
0:19:31 > 0:19:35That was a classic one, the one with Megan. Classic Supernanny, that one.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Er, they show it in high schools now as a sort of contraceptive.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER
0:19:40 > 0:19:42So, um...
0:19:42 > 0:19:45No, I'm exaggerating. I said I would. It's lovely.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I'm thoroughly enjoying family life. It's-it's delightful.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I like being married as well. I got married just over a year ago.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I enjoy being married. It's, er... It's lovely.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56I think I like it a lot mostly because I very vividly remember
0:19:56 > 0:20:00being single and I wasn't so good at that.
0:20:00 > 0:20:04I was single for years, like years and years, before I met my bloke.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09You know when women have been single for years, they go a bit feral?
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I was a bit like that. I used to ring up man-in-a-van numbers and go,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15"Don't bring the van. You won't need the van."
0:20:15 > 0:20:17LAUGHTER
0:20:17 > 0:20:20But I was very nervous about getting married. I was particularly nervous
0:20:20 > 0:20:23about becoming a Bridezilla. That's what made me anxious
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I've seen a lot of that. I've seen it happen.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Women that are normal one minute and then they get engaged
0:20:28 > 0:20:30and start planning their wedding and something clicks
0:20:30 > 0:20:32and they're like...
0:20:32 > 0:20:36SHE GROWLS: "It's my day. It's my day. I want to be like a princess."
0:20:36 > 0:20:40So I was quite nervous about it and I waited a long time
0:20:40 > 0:20:43for my bloke to propose to me.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I had wanted him to propose in a spontaneous, unforeseen way.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I would have loved that. But I did get sick of waiting for that,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52so in the end I clearly instructed him to propose to me
0:20:52 > 0:20:54in a spontaneous, unforeseen way.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58It does get quite wearing, walking past sunsets going,
0:20:58 > 0:20:59"No. Now. Now. Down!"
0:21:00 > 0:21:02"Oh, forget it. Get up."
0:21:02 > 0:21:06We got there in the end, I kind of brought the topic up
0:21:06 > 0:21:08in a breezy way with him, as if I wasn't bothered.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I said, "Oh, yeah. Hey, why have you never...
0:21:11 > 0:21:14"Why have you never proposed to me?"
0:21:14 > 0:21:16SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY
0:21:19 > 0:21:22ANGRILY: "Why have you never proposed to me?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"I want my day!"
0:21:25 > 0:21:28And he was a bit bewildered, as you can imagine, to be honest.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30He was like, "What?" He said, "Come on, Kerry.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34"When we first met, you said that you didn't believe in marriage.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37"You said it didn't suit a post-feminist ideology
0:21:37 > 0:21:40"because it was rooted in the ownership of women."
0:21:40 > 0:21:44I said, "Did I? Did I say that? I don't remember I said that."
0:21:44 > 0:21:47He said, "Yeah, you said it didn't suit the autonomous
0:21:47 > 0:21:50"or spontaneous nature of the human experience."
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I said, "Well, screw that. I've changed my mind, haven't I?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56"I said a lot of things at the beginning of this relationship
0:21:56 > 0:22:00"that I didn't mean and I did a lot of things that I don't do any more."
0:22:00 > 0:22:02LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I said, "If you'd been listening carefully at the beginning of this relationship
0:22:05 > 0:22:10"you'd have heard me say that blow jobs will be subject to availability, non-fixed rate, variable APR..."
0:22:10 > 0:22:14You've been absolutely delightful. Do enjoy the rest of your evening. Take care.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Ladies and gentlemen, Kerry Godliman!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I'll tell you who else we've got... Where's Jeremy Edwards?
0:22:27 > 0:22:32There he is, little Jeremy Edwards. Actor, Holby, Hollyoaks... Anything recently?
0:22:32 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER INAUDIBLE SPEECH
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Casualty!
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- Casualty? Oh, you've literally been in casualty?- Yeah.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Not acting, you've just had an accident?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45How have you damaged your wrist so violently?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47LAUGHTER
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- Punching a comedian. - Punching a comedian?!
0:22:52 > 0:22:56- APPLAUSE - Very nice, very nice.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02I was reading about you... I don't know if this is true
0:23:02 > 0:23:07because I Wikipedia-jobbed it. Didn't you use to work in the canteen in Reading railway station?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- Yes, I did. Yeah, yeah. - Really? What were you doing?
0:23:09 > 0:23:13- Washing pots, big pots. - Washing pots?- Yeah.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16I bet they didn't call it that, though. They never do on the trains.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19They never call a spade a spade. They're full of shit on the trains.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23I imagine you were a Fairy Liquid consultant or something, were you?
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Or a soap-sud distributor or a crockery-hygiene specialist?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30This is my current favourite on the trains, when they go,
0:23:30 > 0:23:35"Ladies and gentlemen, the buffet car is now open,
0:23:35 > 0:23:39"serving a selection of hot and cold snacks, teas, coffees, biscuits, crisps."
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Then I'm thinking, "Please say it." And then they go,
0:23:42 > 0:23:47- "On board today we have our travelling chef." - LAUGHTER
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Piss off!
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Travelling chef now, is he? That's awesome.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54That's the biggest piece of bull... Travelling.... Old toasty Geoff.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59Fair play, toasty Geoff is now a travelling chef.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Have a look in his kitchen.
0:24:02 > 0:24:07Normally, you don't get access to the world's top chefs' kitchens.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08You can on the trains.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Stick your head round the counter. You can see straight in.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Consists entirely of a microwave and a pair of tongs. That's all he's got in there.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17He's not a travelling chef. I've a got a plastic spoon
0:24:17 > 0:24:19and a Tracker bar in my coat pocket.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21I'm not Marco Pierre White, right?
0:24:21 > 0:24:25"Who's that... Who's that with the sandwich trolley, darling?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27"I think it's Heston Blumenthal!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30"Heston, I'll have a Twix!"
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Maybe, maybe it's just me. Maybe you do get a Michelin star
0:24:35 > 0:24:37for turning round and passing somebody a Kit Kat, I dunno.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I'll tell you on thing I do know, though,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43that you definitely don't get.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44You definitely do not get...
0:24:44 > 0:24:47You know the very best chefs in the world,
0:24:47 > 0:24:50they definitely don't have to close their restaurant to do a stock take
0:24:50 > 0:24:53just because two people in a row order an egg and cress sandwich,
0:24:53 > 0:24:54I'll tell you that.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I can laugh about it now but not back then when it happened.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01We had a 40-minute ding-dong about that egg and cress sandwich
0:25:01 > 0:25:04cos he wouldn't sell me an egg and cress sandwich
0:25:04 > 0:25:08because it was his last one and if he sold it to me,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11people wouldn't know he did egg and cress sandwiches.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16That's the travelling chef, he wouldn't...
0:25:16 > 0:25:20It's in my anger management diary, here we go. It's in my diary.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22This is a convoluted conversation.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25You're just going to have to hang in there and follow it, all right?
0:25:25 > 0:25:26This is the conversation I had.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30I said, "I'll have an egg and cress sandwich, please."
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Travelling chef, "I haven't got any."
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Me, "Yeah, there's one behind you on the shelf there."
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Him, "Oh, that's just the last one.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42"That's to show the range of sandwiches we do, sir."
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Me, "What?"
0:25:48 > 0:25:53Him, "That's just to show the range of sandwiches we do, sir."
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Me, "Before we go any further,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57"can I just get this straight in my own head?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59"You're keeping an egg and cress sandwich on the shelf
0:25:59 > 0:26:02"to show that you do egg and cress sandwiches
0:26:02 > 0:26:06"but you're not doing egg and cress sandwiches. Is that right?"
0:26:06 > 0:26:09He said, "They are in the range.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11"We just haven't got any at the moment."
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I said, "You have. I can see it.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21"At the risk of this turning
0:26:21 > 0:26:25"into one of the shittest pantomimes of all time...it's behind you."
0:26:28 > 0:26:30APPLAUSE
0:26:32 > 0:26:34He said, "If that one goes,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36"people won't know we do egg and cress sandwiches."
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I said, "But you don't do them.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41"I'm trying to get one and look at the state of me!"
0:26:41 > 0:26:43He said, "We do do them."
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I said, "Oh, good. I'll have one then!"
0:26:46 > 0:26:49He said, "We haven't got any."
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I said, "You have, you travelling, pissing chef!
0:26:51 > 0:26:55"I can see it I can see the cress sticking out from behind the egg.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58"Either that or it's the worst mirage I've ever come across!"
0:26:59 > 0:27:01He said, "Look."
0:27:01 > 0:27:03He said, "Look, sir."
0:27:03 > 0:27:06He said, "It's quite simple."
0:27:06 > 0:27:07I thought, "Is it?"
0:27:09 > 0:27:12He said, "It's quite simple. We'll be re-stocking later
0:27:12 > 0:27:16"and I want people to know we'll have egg and cress sandwiches
0:27:16 > 0:27:18"in the range once we've re-stocked."
0:27:18 > 0:27:19I said, "Well, once you've restocked
0:27:19 > 0:27:22"there'll be egg and cress sandwiches on the shelf,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25"won't there? Once you've restocked, there'll be egg and cress sandwiches
0:27:25 > 0:27:28"on the shelf and people will come along and they'll use
0:27:28 > 0:27:30"their eyes and their brains in tandem to assess the situation.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33"They'll realise you do egg and cress sandwiches.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36"you'll give them one and the whole thing will work like clockwork
0:27:36 > 0:27:38"but at the moment this system you're operating
0:27:38 > 0:27:39"is fundamentally flawed.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42"You're only helping one group of people as far as I can see
0:27:42 > 0:27:44"and they are egg and cress sandwich spotters!
0:27:44 > 0:27:47"People who don't even want egg and cress sandwiches at the moment.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50"They've just come to the buffet to investigate whether you'll have
0:27:50 > 0:27:52"egg and cress sandwiches in the future,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55"only by the time they're back you could be down to your last one again
0:27:55 > 0:27:58"and you'll have to go through this shit with someone else,
0:27:58 > 0:28:00"only they're going to be even more annoyed than I am
0:28:00 > 0:28:02"because they'll be in the frustrating position
0:28:02 > 0:28:05"of having gone to the trouble of verified the future availability
0:28:05 > 0:28:08"of egg and cress sandwiches earlier on, won't they?"
0:28:08 > 0:28:11APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:17"What are you talking about?"
0:28:19 > 0:28:20I said, "Please..."
0:28:22 > 0:28:23"Please, travelling chef..."
0:28:25 > 0:28:27"Please understand...
0:28:27 > 0:28:29"If that egg and cress sandwich isn't for sale,
0:28:29 > 0:28:31"just please take it down."
0:28:32 > 0:28:36"Either sell it or take it down but don't leave it up there...please."
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Him, "Why?"
0:28:41 > 0:28:45Me, "Because you don't seem to understand
0:28:45 > 0:28:48"that not being able to have an egg and cress sandwich,
0:28:48 > 0:28:53"is far more irritating when you can see one right in front of you,
0:28:53 > 0:28:54"than when you can't."
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Him, "Why?
0:29:00 > 0:29:04Me, "Because, and I really believe this,
0:29:04 > 0:29:07"people are far more ready to accept
0:29:07 > 0:29:09"that you haven't got something...
0:29:12 > 0:29:13"..if they can't see it.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18"For example, it hasn't crossed my mind
0:29:18 > 0:29:21"that you're doing a hog roast this afternoon.
0:29:22 > 0:29:25"At no point have I wondered which of these lobster
0:29:25 > 0:29:27"I'd like from the tank.
0:29:27 > 0:29:28Him, "What lobster?"
0:29:28 > 0:29:32Me, "Exactly! Do you see how it works with your eyes, and my brain?"
0:29:32 > 0:29:36He said, "I can do you prawn. If you like lobster, I can do you prawn."
0:29:38 > 0:29:4020 minutes later I had prawn.
0:29:42 > 0:29:47And I almost had a full nervous breakdown, when he...he passed me
0:29:47 > 0:29:49that prawn sandwich and he said,
0:29:49 > 0:29:53"Er, that's my last one of those as well."
0:30:03 > 0:30:06Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready to welcome our
0:30:06 > 0:30:07final act of the evening?
0:30:07 > 0:30:09CROWD CHEERS
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Would you, please, give a warm Apollo welcome to the wonderful,
0:30:12 > 0:30:14Jon Richardson!
0:30:14 > 0:30:17APPLAUSE
0:30:31 > 0:30:33Hello.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35CHEERING
0:30:37 > 0:30:39Who eats egg and cress sandwiches?
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Nobody does. That's the first time I've ever watched a routine
0:30:42 > 0:30:45and thought, "You need to chill out, mate."
0:30:46 > 0:30:48I've just turned 30. Not an interesting age
0:30:48 > 0:30:52but it's the age at which I realised I totally wasted my 20s.
0:30:52 > 0:30:56Totally. And I don't mean I spent them doing drugs and having sex.
0:30:56 > 0:31:01I mean I didn't spend them doing drugs...at all, ever!
0:31:01 > 0:31:03Never!
0:31:03 > 0:31:06I mean I did some sex, a couple of times but not...
0:31:06 > 0:31:08And now I'll never get that time back.
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Do you know one of the things I spent my time doing in my 20s?
0:31:10 > 0:31:13I cleaned the skirting boards of my flat with an anti-bacterial wipe.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19I'm never going to get that time again!
0:31:19 > 0:31:22I don't get to go back in time and go, "What are you doing?
0:31:22 > 0:31:24"Go and have sex with someone!" Cos I wouldn't have listened.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27I'd have gone, "Who's going to want to have sex with me
0:31:27 > 0:31:30"when they see the state of these skirting boards?"
0:31:34 > 0:31:37I'm really trying not to lose my shit...
0:31:37 > 0:31:39over things that I know really don't matter
0:31:39 > 0:31:41because it's sort of affecting my life.
0:31:41 > 0:31:43I've moved in with some friends now
0:31:43 > 0:31:45because I spent 20s living on my own.
0:31:45 > 0:31:48Didn't make me happy, and I thought, "I'll move in with some friends."
0:31:48 > 0:31:50And maybe that'll make me happy.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52They're great people and my best friends. I really like them.
0:31:52 > 0:31:55The easiest way to describe them to you is that they are adults,
0:31:55 > 0:31:58who eat cereal at night-time.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01This is the kind of arsehole we're deal...
0:32:01 > 0:32:02I've never seen it done in my life.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05They get in from work and go, "Ooh, chocolate Weetos!"
0:32:07 > 0:32:08"What are you doing?
0:32:08 > 0:32:11"You people are... You can't eat chocolate Weetos now.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13"You're an adult. Have some olives."
0:32:15 > 0:32:17"No, I don't like olives." "Nobody likes olives!
0:32:18 > 0:32:21"You don't eat olives because they're nice.
0:32:21 > 0:32:24"You eat them to punish yourself for having survived this long."
0:32:24 > 0:32:27"Didn't I used to eat colourful, sweet, shiny...?"
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Oh, yeah, I used to be a child, now I'm an adult.
0:32:30 > 0:32:35You get to an age where you squeeze the oil out of it and dip bread in it. Mmm.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37"How was your anniversary meal last night?
0:32:37 > 0:32:39"What did you have for main course?"
0:32:39 > 0:32:43"I didn't have a main course cos I filled up on slimy bread. Mmm!
0:32:43 > 0:32:46"I basically took the blandest food and I dipped it i9n the slimiest
0:32:46 > 0:32:49"and I had a big load of that! Mmm-mmm!"
0:32:49 > 0:32:51But I live with my fiends. They're very happy people.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54I like living with them. They've made me a better person.
0:32:54 > 0:32:55That's who they are.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57This, unfortunately, is why they have to die
0:32:57 > 0:32:59and I have to be the one that kills them.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02Because they won't learn.
0:33:02 > 0:33:04They just won't learn. Like we...
0:33:04 > 0:33:06I'm too old now to have a rota, can't be bothered.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08You live with people... When you're younger,
0:33:08 > 0:33:11"Oh, there's a yellow sticker so you've got to wash the bath mat."
0:33:11 > 0:33:14I'd rather top myself than have that conversation now.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16I don't care. I'll just wash the bath mat.
0:33:16 > 0:33:18When I see it needs washing, I'll wash it.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21They don't know I've washed it. They just get out of the shower and go,
0:33:21 > 0:33:23"Oh, that's white. I thought it was brown."
0:33:23 > 0:33:26I don't say, "Oh, do you know why you thought it was brown yesterday?
0:33:26 > 0:33:29"Because it was matted with your pubic hair, that's why.
0:33:29 > 0:33:33"Remember you came downstairs and you thought you'd put your slippers on?
0:33:33 > 0:33:34"You hadn't."
0:33:37 > 0:33:39That's an image that'll stay with you.
0:33:39 > 0:33:41And when I see that needs doing, I don't care.
0:33:41 > 0:33:43I just wash the bath mat. I'm an adult.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46I would happily do every chore in the house, wouldn't bother me
0:33:46 > 0:33:49to do everything, but I can't because I have to leave.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52If you stay with someone all the time that's full-time care,
0:33:52 > 0:33:53not flat sharing.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55That's not the commitment I went into.
0:33:55 > 0:33:58So I have to leave the house and now, even now they're back there now,
0:33:58 > 0:34:02eating food and touching stuff, I can feel it -
0:34:02 > 0:34:05opening cupboards and subsisting by eating food, right?
0:34:05 > 0:34:06So they have to know, for example,
0:34:06 > 0:34:09what to do with the waste products they create when they eat food.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12Right? So, they need to know about things like recycling. Now, again,
0:34:12 > 0:34:16I can't bear to tell them everything that goes into the job of recycling.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18It would just exhaust me to have to say...
0:34:18 > 0:34:21HIGH-PITCHED: "You know when you've finished your cereal,
0:34:21 > 0:34:24"can you take the plastic bag out and then put that on the side
0:34:24 > 0:34:27"and then go to the bin and tip any Cheerios that are in the thing?
0:34:27 > 0:34:30"We don't want any in there in the box cos when it gets rained on,
0:34:30 > 0:34:33"and they'll go mouldy and we don't want a mouldy box, do we?
0:34:34 > 0:34:37"And, then, you know when you've opened the top of the cereal box,
0:34:37 > 0:34:40"can you open the bottom the same way and then whup?!
0:34:42 > 0:34:44"Now isn't that good?
0:34:44 > 0:34:47"And then foldy-foldy-foldy-foldy-foldy-foldy!
0:34:47 > 0:34:50"Look how small it is, and then come with me to the box. Come. Follow.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52"Quickly, follow.
0:34:53 > 0:34:56"You put the little thing in the thing there and then wedge it
0:34:56 > 0:34:59"in the corner with the wine bottle cos otherwise it spreads out
0:34:59 > 0:35:01"and all that work was wasted.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04"This is where we put the cereals,
0:35:04 > 0:35:07"this is where we put the wine bottles, the tins and the newspaper,
0:35:07 > 0:35:09"and then you pick it up every other Wednesday -
0:35:09 > 0:35:11"not every Wednesday."
0:35:13 > 0:35:15"No, they don't come every Wednesday,
0:35:15 > 0:35:17"every other Wednesday.
0:35:17 > 0:35:19"Follow. Come.
0:35:21 > 0:35:22"Pick up the..."
0:35:22 > 0:35:24I didn't say any of this, right?
0:35:26 > 0:35:28I didn't think they'd understand really.
0:35:29 > 0:35:33"Why are you talking like that, Jon" "I think I've had a breakdown!"
0:35:35 > 0:35:37All I said, to make it as simple as possible, I said,
0:35:37 > 0:35:39"You know when you've finished your cereal,
0:35:39 > 0:35:42"can you just put the empty box on the windowsill?
0:35:42 > 0:35:44"It gets recycled by the fairy," right?
0:35:46 > 0:35:49It's not a nickname I'm happy with but it seems to have stuck.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51And the cereal box is here on the windowsill is there,
0:35:51 > 0:35:53so it's like ugh-ugh - that's all I ask.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56Every now and again, I'll get back from a gig, might be tonight,
0:35:56 > 0:36:00flick the bin lid open - hello, Mr Cereal Box!
0:36:02 > 0:36:04Oh, I wonder how did you get in there?!
0:36:06 > 0:36:09And my first thought is always, "Do you know how that got in there?
0:36:09 > 0:36:11"Cos they hate you, Jon.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14"It's a dirty protest. That's, "Yeah, look at that, you dick! Yeah!"
0:36:14 > 0:36:17"That's nothing to do with the council,
0:36:17 > 0:36:19"he brought that green box from his last house.
0:36:19 > 0:36:21"Sad little wanker!"
0:36:21 > 0:36:24They might as well pull their pants down, get on the worktops,
0:36:24 > 0:36:26and drag themselves across.
0:36:27 > 0:36:31"Piss off back to your last house," right?
0:36:31 > 0:36:33And I think, "Oh, my God, they hate me."
0:36:33 > 0:36:35And then I realise they don't hate me
0:36:35 > 0:36:37because they will clean some stuff, right?
0:36:37 > 0:36:39Because they know it excites me or something.
0:36:39 > 0:36:41They think it turns me on to watch them do chores.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44I really would rather they didn't. They wait until I'm relaxing,
0:36:44 > 0:36:47watching a bit of You've Been Framed or something.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50The pains of the elderly to relax me of an evening.
0:36:50 > 0:36:53"Go on, get on the pogo stick. See how that ends."
0:36:53 > 0:36:56They wait until I'm just chilling out then and one of them will go,
0:36:56 > 0:36:58"Oh, I'm going to do the washing-up!"
0:36:58 > 0:37:00And I have to sit there and think, "Yeah, so am I,
0:37:00 > 0:37:03"five minutes after you think you've done it."
0:37:03 > 0:37:06LAUGHTER
0:37:06 > 0:37:09Watch them... They're just shit. They just don't understand!
0:37:09 > 0:37:11Look at me, it's like a little lap dance!
0:37:11 > 0:37:13They're watching me going "Yeah, you see what I'm doing.
0:37:13 > 0:37:15"Can you see what I'm doing?"
0:37:15 > 0:37:18"Yeah, I can see what you're doing. You're doing a baking tray
0:37:18 > 0:37:20"when there are still wine glasses."
0:37:29 > 0:37:32How can you explain that to an adult who doesn't know?
0:37:32 > 0:37:34You can't because then the grease goes in and then the...
0:37:34 > 0:37:37I try to do it subtly because... Then I'm the arsehole.
0:37:37 > 0:37:39"Oh, when you're washing the baking try."
0:37:39 > 0:37:40The next night I'll go,
0:37:40 > 0:37:44"Mm, this Sauvignon Blanc's a bit... pork and leeky."
0:37:45 > 0:37:48Just throw some bread crumbs out,
0:37:48 > 0:37:50"He said his wine tasted like pork and leeks,
0:37:50 > 0:37:54"but then it's me who had pork and leek sausages. "But I washed my baking tray...
0:37:54 > 0:38:00"But then I washed the wine glasses. It's my fault."
0:38:00 > 0:38:03I say that and they say, "Oh, don't buy that one again,"
0:38:03 > 0:38:06"thinking... JON CHUCKLES
0:38:06 > 0:38:09They didn't do it, you did it.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12I didn't buy it because I read the label
0:38:12 > 0:38:14and it said, "This has hints of pork and friggin' leek."
0:38:14 > 0:38:17"Do you know what this wine goes well with? Mashed potato!"
0:38:20 > 0:38:22There're some things that they do,
0:38:22 > 0:38:24I think there's no logic to that at all.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26We'll be washing up, here at the sink, right,
0:38:26 > 0:38:27and I've put a little thing here.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29It's like a bean tin but it's got holes in it.
0:38:29 > 0:38:32So you put the cutlery in there and it's altogether, then.
0:38:32 > 0:38:33You're not chasing it around
0:38:33 > 0:38:36and the water comes out the holes so you just take it away, right?
0:38:36 > 0:38:38I'll watch them washing up, reach past this thing...
0:38:38 > 0:38:40They can see it, it's there.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42They would have to be blind in this eye and looking that way
0:38:42 > 0:38:45not to be able to see it.
0:38:45 > 0:38:49They travel this extra distance to lay the cutlery flat on the side.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52And I mean all the cutlery, including teaspoons,
0:38:52 > 0:38:54and not that way round. That way.
0:38:58 > 0:39:04So a little pool of shitty water dribbles down into the teaspoon
0:39:04 > 0:39:07so it looks like it's already got soup in it
0:39:07 > 0:39:11and then they walk over to the cutlery drawer and all I ask
0:39:11 > 0:39:13is that they put the cutlery away however you like,
0:39:13 > 0:39:17as long as it's forks on the left, knives in the middle,
0:39:17 > 0:39:19spoons on the right, teaspoons on the bottom facing to the left,
0:39:19 > 0:39:21steak knives on the far left.
0:39:21 > 0:39:24You can't fit the steak knives in the ordinary knife rack.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26They're too long. They have to go in there.
0:39:26 > 0:39:28Lovely, sexy steak knives they are.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31Sexy, jet-black handle and a long, serrated knife, grrr!
0:39:31 > 0:39:34They'll be putting it away and they put some of them away right.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37"Oh, yeah, they go in there, don't they?"
0:39:37 > 0:39:40Then they think, "Urg, bored of this. "Doing it right - huh!
0:39:40 > 0:39:42"I'm going to put this one in the knife rack.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44"And then I'll take the paring knife
0:39:44 > 0:39:46"and I'm going to put the paring knife in there,"
0:39:46 > 0:39:47as if they look anything alike!
0:39:47 > 0:39:50Fat, horrible grey handle on the paring knife.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53No serration on the blade. Little, fat, stubby blade.
0:39:53 > 0:39:56And I think, "How have you done that?"
0:39:56 > 0:39:58But the only consolation I get is it's OK
0:39:58 > 0:40:01because that's the one I'm going to kill them with.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:10 > 0:40:13I'm going to grab that knife and I'm going to sneak up
0:40:13 > 0:40:14to their room in the middle of the night,
0:40:14 > 0:40:17and say, "Hello, it's the fairy and he's tooled up.
0:40:18 > 0:40:20I'm going to stab you now with this steak knife."
0:40:20 > 0:40:22"That's actually a paring knife."
0:40:22 > 0:40:24"So you do know the difference!"
0:40:31 > 0:40:33The reason that I need to be a better person
0:40:33 > 0:40:36is because I've finally decided I think I want to have kids.
0:40:36 > 0:40:37It's taken me a long time
0:40:37 > 0:40:41and what turned me, I watched a woman near where I live
0:40:41 > 0:40:43pushing a pram with two toddler-age children in
0:40:43 > 0:40:45and all I heard he say as she went past, she went,
0:40:45 > 0:40:48"Well, cars aren't allowed to turn right all the time,
0:40:48 > 0:40:50"sometimes they have to go straight on."
0:40:52 > 0:40:54That was it and I thought, "My God, I want kids."
0:40:55 > 0:40:57Imagine being in the company of people
0:40:57 > 0:40:59to whom you could say a sentence that tedious.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02And their response will be,
0:41:02 > 0:41:03"You've blown my mind."
0:41:07 > 0:41:10"So there's a road, but they're not allowed to turn into it -
0:41:10 > 0:41:14"that is...so what...? Do they just move house to the end of the road?"
0:41:14 > 0:41:17"If you turn right twice, you'll end up back on that road."
0:41:17 > 0:41:20"And why aren't you Prime Minister, I don't...
0:41:20 > 0:41:23"You know everything. You're an incredible person.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25I really want kids but I can't have kids cos I can't...
0:41:25 > 0:41:29I can't inflict myself on a child, because I don't know what the line is
0:41:29 > 0:41:32between telling a child when it's doing something wrong,
0:41:32 > 0:41:33so it learns to do better,
0:41:33 > 0:41:37and accepting that children can't do everything properly.
0:41:37 > 0:41:39I don't think I would draw that distinction.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42I think I would always tell them they were doing something wrong,
0:41:42 > 0:41:45to the point of breaking their souls immediately.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48"Oh, you're doing some colouring in, are you? Aw-w!
0:41:48 > 0:41:51"I just wonder why you're carrying on with that
0:41:51 > 0:41:54"because you've gone over the lines, haven't you? It's ruined.
0:41:54 > 0:41:56"It's never going to be perfect now, is it?
0:41:56 > 0:41:58"You might as well start again,
0:41:58 > 0:42:01"cos it's not going on the fridge like that!
0:42:08 > 0:42:12"Trying to eat my breakfast, when all I can see is that blue line
0:42:12 > 0:42:16"inexplicably going out of that tree. You might as well start again.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18"and here's a little tip from Daddy, when you do the next one,
0:42:18 > 0:42:21"just have a look what colour your Winnie-the-Pooh is
0:42:21 > 0:42:22"and then ask why you've done him purple."
0:42:22 > 0:42:25It's been an absolute honour. I've enjoyed this.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28I hope you've enjoyed it too. Take care. See you soon.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30APPLAUSE
0:42:35 > 0:42:37Ladies and gentlemen, Jon Richardson!
0:42:37 > 0:42:40Give it up for Jon Richardson, ladies and gentlemen.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42That is the end of the show.
0:42:42 > 0:42:45You've been watching Live At The Apollo. Have you had a good night?
0:42:45 > 0:42:47CHEERING
0:42:47 > 0:42:50Just remains for me to thank the people you've seen.
0:42:50 > 0:42:51We've seen Kerry Godliman.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53APPLAUSE
0:42:53 > 0:42:55And Mr Jon Richardson, ladies and gentlemen.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57I've been Rhod Gilbert, your host.
0:42:57 > 0:43:01Thank you very, very, very much for coming each and every one of you!
0:43:01 > 0:43:02Thank you! Good night!