0:00:18 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentleman, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Kevin Bridges.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Thanks for that! Good evening.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Hello, and welcome to Live At The Apollo, yeah!
0:00:48 > 0:00:49CHEERING
0:00:49 > 0:00:51We've got some special guests in.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Who have we got? We've got some of our Team GB Olympians in the room.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56Where are they?
0:00:56 > 0:00:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:04Feel that!
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Feel the national pride you've instilled in the room there.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09CHEERING
0:01:09 > 0:01:12David Seaman's here as well. How you doing, David?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:21What do you think of the current set-up of the England national team?
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Pretty disappointing Euros, and I was gutted for you, Euro 2012.
0:01:25 > 0:01:26I bet you were(!)
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I watched that quarter-final in a pub in Glasgow,
0:01:29 > 0:01:30with the rest of the Italians.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35John Terry's quit, as well. Don't know how we feel about that.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36CHEERING
0:01:36 > 0:01:39He gets a hard time. John Terry looks like the kind of guy,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41if he never made it as a footballer,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44I reckon you would see him outside a pub in Tenerife going,
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- MOCKNEY:- "You guys want a free shot tonight?"
0:01:52 > 0:01:54"What's the plan tonight, lads?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56"Coming down The Bull's Head for a free sambuca?"
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Scottish football - don't know if you follow Scottish football, David,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04we're going through an interesting time,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Scottish football, famously a two-horse race.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09We've now lost a horse.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Scottish football's become showjumping.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Don't know if you followed that story about Rangers Football Club,
0:02:17 > 0:02:20they went into liquidation, owed a lot of people money.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I read a full list a Scottish newspaper printed
0:02:22 > 0:02:25of everybody they owed money to, and it just got surreal.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27They owed a few million to the tax people,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30another couple of football clubs were owed money,
0:02:30 > 0:02:31then you get near the bottom.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34It said £70 was owed to a local taxi company.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35Yeah.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38About 60 quid to a local flower shop,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41about 60 to a newsagent, and then the one that made me chuckle -
0:02:41 > 0:02:45it said £40 was owed to a local face-painting company.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49You know when you read it a few times,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52"Does that say face-painting company?"
0:02:52 > 0:02:54The newspaper article never explained why,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56never offered any background info.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00They left that there as if that's a common modern football club expense,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03£40 to a face-painting company.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05The club are in financial meltdown
0:03:05 > 0:03:08and there's some guy running about the boardroom,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10kidding on he's a tiger.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Somebody opens the door, he's going, "Arrrgh!"
0:03:17 > 0:03:20"Will you go and wash your face, you idiot?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23"We're trying to fix these accounts here."
0:03:23 > 0:03:26"Sorry about him, lads. 40 quid he spent on that."
0:03:27 > 0:03:30"Oh, it is a cracker though, aye. Did you see his whiskers?"
0:03:32 > 0:03:33We're here, it is a free show.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37In these tough times, that's the never-ending news story, isn't it,
0:03:37 > 0:03:39the global economic downturn.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42We're in a double-dip recession. They're calling it double dip.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I don't even know what that means.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46That used to be a good thing, didn't it, double dip.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Since when was that a negative?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52These bankers - they've ruined Dip Dabs.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58I used to think, "Oh, you got the sherbet that's orange and cherry!
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"Oh, brilliant, a double dip!"
0:04:00 > 0:04:01They've ruined it for us.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Europe are skint, America are skint,
0:04:03 > 0:04:07I hope Africa have got some good rock bands cos we need a concert.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18That's my solution - it's their round.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23They can show some appeal videos about us.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28This is Tom and Diane, from Basingstoke.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Everybody's going, "Oh, I hate these videos."
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"They always put these videos on when you're having your tea,
0:04:37 > 0:04:38"do you notice that?"
0:04:40 > 0:04:44Tom and Diane, like so many others, took out a fixed-rate mortgage.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51They now find themselves in negative equity.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59"The world can be such a cruel place.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02"And only this morning I had the cheek to complain about
0:05:02 > 0:05:05"having to walk 20 miles for clean water.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06"Then you see this."
0:05:09 > 0:05:10"They're having to tell their kids
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"it's not Disneyland this year, it's Centre Parcs."
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Every time I click my fingers,
0:05:17 > 0:05:19a newly married couple from Swindon
0:05:19 > 0:05:22have a credit card application rejected.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34The old double-dip recession - that is...
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Er, anybody lost their job in the double-dip recession?
0:05:37 > 0:05:38Nope?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42London sailing through the recession.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46- POSH ENGLISH ACCENT: - "Unemployment, is that, er... Is that a Scottish thing?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"I mean, I do know self-employment but un... Unemployment?"
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I feel for the unemployed.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57It must be tough under the coalition government
0:05:57 > 0:05:59and their proposals for the job crisis,
0:05:59 > 0:06:03these work experience programmes, creating jobs for people,
0:06:03 > 0:06:04just like normal jobs.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07The only difference being you don't get paid.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10You don't get any wages, but it's to boost your self-esteem.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12How condescending is that?
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Self-esteem - that's what people need last Friday of the month.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18"Going to go and check and see if my self-esteem's in."
0:06:20 > 0:06:23"Feeling a bit low, thank the Lord it's self-esteem Friday."
0:06:24 > 0:06:26"Maybe I can finally pay these bills.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28"Hi, is that British Gas?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30"Listen, mate, I'm skint but I feel terrific."
0:06:34 > 0:06:37"I'm wondering, are you prepared to except self-esteem?"
0:06:38 > 0:06:41"Maybe I can go on Skype and just smile at you. How's that?"
0:06:44 > 0:06:47To stop people slipping into depression, David Cameron said,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50was the reason for these work experience programmes.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Poundstretcher - they were one of the first shops to sign up.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Working in Poundstretcher for no money - that's pretty depressing.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Working in a shop where everything is worth a quid except you.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12What would David Cameron know about being unemployed?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14He's never been unemployed.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16He's never woke up at two in the afternoon.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21David Cameron's never had a packet of Flamin' Hot Monster Munch
0:07:21 > 0:07:22for his breakfast.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27He's never known the feeling of waking up at two in the afternoon
0:07:27 > 0:07:29and your only goal for the day
0:07:29 > 0:07:32is to try and piss a skid mark off the inside of your toilet.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44You know when you start seeing that as a challenge?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47"I could use the brush, but that's admitting defeat."
0:07:50 > 0:07:54"I'm going to get a glass of water, I'm going to reload here."
0:07:57 > 0:08:00I've done a bit of travelling. I was on holiday, in Spain,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02I tried to learn a bit of Spanish.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I've took up languages, I bought these disks.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08You put them on an iPod, she teaches you about Spanish, the voice.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12I can now say things in Spanish that Spanish people can say in English.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15That's the level I'm at - I've got the tourist stuff.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Everywhere you go as a tourist, people speak English,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21but when you've got a Scottish accent, that's very little help.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26I've been on holidays and had people translate for me into English.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33You walk into a pub and say, "Are you still serving food?"
0:08:33 > 0:08:35"Que?"
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- ENGLISH ACCENT:- "No, he asked you are you still serving food?"
0:08:39 > 0:08:41"Ah, si. Si, si."
0:08:47 > 0:08:48You get that shit.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I was in America, I done a gig in America, in New York,
0:08:51 > 0:08:53and after the gig a guy said to me,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- AMERICAN ACCENT:- "Hey, hey! Hey, buddy, are you actually Scottish?"
0:08:58 > 0:09:02I said, "Yes," and he said, "Man, your English is really good."
0:09:10 > 0:09:12I got these disks, the best I've got -
0:09:12 > 0:09:14una mesa para cuatro, por favor.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17I've got tourist stuff kind of nailed, stuff you need on holiday.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19That means "a table for four, please".
0:09:19 > 0:09:21She says it a few times. She says...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- SPANISH ACCENT:- "Una mesa...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26"para cuatro,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28"por favor."
0:09:28 > 0:09:30- POSH VOICE: - "A table for four, please."
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Then she leaves a beat and goes again, in case you're a moron.
0:09:37 > 0:09:43"Una mesa...para cuatro, por favor."
0:09:43 > 0:09:44"A table for four, please."
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Then she says it three and four times,
0:09:48 > 0:09:50and you start drifting off and imagining
0:09:50 > 0:09:54how many people have been found dead listening to these disks.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56A suicide note wrote in broken Spanish...
0:09:58 > 0:10:00"It all got too muchas."
0:10:05 > 0:10:10"Una mesa...para cuatro, por favor."
0:10:10 > 0:10:11"A table for..."
0:10:11 > 0:10:15and that's crucial knowledge, cos I know when me and three associates,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17when we walk into a restaurant in Spain,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I can tell the head waiter is looking at us and thinking,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23"Well, I wonder what these guys want."
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Fortunately, I'm on hand to defuse the situation.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I have been thoroughly briefed. I step forward and say,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"Una mesa...
0:10:41 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER
0:10:42 > 0:10:45"..para cuatro, por favor."
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Then we get sat at a table for four,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51the guy brings the menus in Spanish and I crumble.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Everybody else is losing their minds, going,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57"What the f...? What's a hamburgeresa?"
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Ladies and gentlemen,
0:11:06 > 0:11:09this guy is a bit of a comedy hero on the scene,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12you'll have seen him on Never Mind The Buzzcocks,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15give it up for the one and only Phill Jupitus!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35I won't take me coat off, I'm not stopping.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41So, um, in a bit of a weird mood, as you can probably spot.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Um, OK, so...
0:11:46 > 0:11:48The other day, my wife and I had a meeting
0:11:48 > 0:11:50that I did not know was a meeting.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53I got in and there was tea and there was biscuits, and I thought,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56"Brilliant!" I sat down, "Ooh, Viscounts! I love them!"
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Didn't even take the foil off. "Oh, these are fa..."
0:11:59 > 0:12:00HE MIMICS GLUTTONOUS MUNCHING
0:12:02 > 0:12:03"Love a Viscount!"
0:12:05 > 0:12:08And she goes, "Yeah, we've got to have a chat about Emily."
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I'm like, "Yeah, all right, yeah, yeah. What's going on?"
0:12:10 > 0:12:12"She's, er...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15"She's having a sleepover on Friday."
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I should have pointed out earlier that this is
0:12:19 > 0:12:21just after my daughter had turned 16.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26That's a very important number to bear in mind.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31She said, "Yeah, Emily's having a sleepover on Friday."
0:12:31 > 0:12:33I went "Oh, right, do you want me to buy pizzas?"
0:12:33 > 0:12:36"No, no, no, no, no, no. Cos there's only one person coming."
0:12:36 > 0:12:39"Oh, right. Shall I just buy one pizza?"
0:12:39 > 0:12:41"Stop talking about pizza."
0:12:46 > 0:12:49"Erm, she's having a sleepover and it's Stephen".
0:12:49 > 0:12:51"What, the boyfriend?"
0:12:51 > 0:12:53"Yeah".
0:12:53 > 0:12:55"Well, where's he going to sleep?"
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"I-In Emily's room."
0:13:06 > 0:13:09"W-W-Where's she going to sleep?!"
0:13:18 > 0:13:21"She's going to sleep in her room as well."
0:13:21 > 0:13:23"What, on the floor?!"
0:13:25 > 0:13:27"Tubbs, come here."
0:13:29 > 0:13:32"Listen to me very carefully.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34"Your 16..."
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Remember that number.
0:13:36 > 0:13:41"..16-year-old daughter is having a boy stay the night."
0:13:47 > 0:13:49NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
0:13:51 > 0:13:52I run out into the front garden.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56"WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58"RARGHHHHH!"
0:14:02 > 0:14:06My wife's standing there going, "I think you're overreacting."
0:14:06 > 0:14:08"WHY?"
0:14:08 > 0:14:12She's like, "I don't want her losing her virginity up against a skip!"
0:14:12 > 0:14:14And I'm like, "It was good enough for us!"
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Why do you think I keep hiring them?
0:14:32 > 0:14:36She's like, "Look, remember when we were kids,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39"and we used to hang out with each other and we wished that our parents
0:14:39 > 0:14:43"had been cool enough to just let us do our own thing in our own way?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46"Well, it's your turn to be the cool parent."
0:14:46 > 0:14:48"I don't want to be the cool parent.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50HE SOBS
0:14:50 > 0:14:51"You've got to be."
0:14:51 > 0:14:54"I know I've got to be but I don't want to be."
0:14:56 > 0:14:58And so that Friday,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00that was it.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Stephen arrives.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04HE MIMICS DOORBELL
0:15:07 > 0:15:11He's a lovely kid. I've known Stephen since he was eight.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Wonderful little boy.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Not anymore.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Now he is my nemesis.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29He comes in and I'm sat in the kitchen. "All right, Phill?"
0:15:34 > 0:15:36"All right?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38"I don't know, Stephen. Am I?"
0:15:46 > 0:15:48"All right, I'll see you later."
0:15:48 > 0:15:51And he goes off and they have an evening like every other
0:15:51 > 0:15:53they've ever had - they play games, they lark about.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59watch telly, and I'm sitting there in my own house.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02"I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04"I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it."
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Cos I don't want to be complicit in it,
0:16:08 > 0:16:11I don't want to be a part of it. I don't want to have agreed to it,
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I don't want to be in the room when they go,
0:16:13 > 0:16:15"All right, we're going to bed now. Good night."
0:16:15 > 0:16:18I can't be in the room when that happens,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20so I go to bed earlier than normal,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22twenty past six, the sun is still out.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Ice-cream vans going down the street.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Children playing football in the fields,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30the dog at the bottom of the bed, lead in his mouth,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33as I lay bolt-upright on top of the duvet in my pyjamas.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35"Not now, Chester. Daddy's sad."
0:16:41 > 0:16:44And at about half eleven, I hear them come up the stairs.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47MIMICS DAUGHTER AND STEPHEN GIGGLING
0:16:53 > 0:16:55MUFFLED GIGGLING
0:17:00 > 0:17:04For about...ten minutes, and then...
0:17:07 > 0:17:12..complete...and utter...silence.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28Madam, there is nothing in the entire world that is quieter...
0:17:32 > 0:17:36..than a 16-year-girl shagging...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40when her dad's next door.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47And that is not the bad bit. The bad bit...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51..happens two weeks later.
0:17:51 > 0:17:52I get in from a gig.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I'm a creature of habit, I get in from a gig,
0:17:55 > 0:17:59I've been driving, normally, for a while, I have a beer...
0:17:59 > 0:18:03I just watch telly, I zone out, have a beer, go to bed.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07So I get in, it's about midnight, I open the fridge,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10and there, on the middle shelf of the fridge,
0:18:10 > 0:18:14are six cans of generic, supermarket lager, I think from Lidl.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19It's called Festenbrow,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23which is spelt F-E-S-T-E-N-
0:18:23 > 0:18:26B-R-O-W.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32The umlaut...is over the F.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39The mascot is a monkey in a bowler hat playing a banjo.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45It's dog lager is what it is. It's dog lager.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46And I'm looking at it...
0:18:48 > 0:18:49and the missus is still up.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I go, "Babe?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55"What... What is this crap doing in the fridge?"
0:18:55 > 0:18:56I'm on telly.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02And she goes, "It's Stephen's."
0:19:03 > 0:19:05HE BARKS
0:19:05 > 0:19:08"Yes, as Stephen's spending so much time over here,
0:19:08 > 0:19:10"he thought it would be wrong of him to drink your beer,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13"so he bought his own and left it in the fridge."
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Right, right, right. I've got it, I've got it,
0:19:26 > 0:19:28because it's wrong...
0:19:32 > 0:19:35..to drink my BEER in my house?
0:19:37 > 0:19:41Yeah. Cos I imagine
0:19:41 > 0:19:44that hanging out the back of my first-born is thirsty work.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49You get parched.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51You get a bit thirsty. You think,
0:19:51 > 0:19:55"Ooh, a little something tasty would be nice now,
0:19:55 > 0:19:59"as I leave his daughter like some kind of slutty starfish,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02"on the bed spread-eagled.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04"I make my way downstairs,
0:20:04 > 0:20:08"pausing only to wipe my cock on his curtains."
0:20:17 > 0:20:20And THAT is why I'm in a funny mood.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Thanks very much. Ta-ta, cheers.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Give it up for Phill Jupitus!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LOUDENS
0:20:37 > 0:20:38OK, ladies and gentlemen,
0:20:38 > 0:20:41are you ready to crack on with your second act of the evening?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43CHEERING
0:20:43 > 0:20:46I'm excited to see her myself. It's her Live At The Apollo debut.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49She's fantastic. Let's make some noise, give it up for
0:20:49 > 0:20:50the wonderful Sara Pascoe!
0:20:50 > 0:20:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Hello.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Hello, good evening. Are you having a good time?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Yeah!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12I am absolutely so thrilled to be here. This is so exciting for me,
0:21:12 > 0:21:16and I love it that there's actual celebrities in the audience.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I think that's brilliant.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21But if you are sitting next to one of them, I have to warn you.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24You do know the rules about having sex with famous people?
0:21:24 > 0:21:27The rule is...just don't have sex with famous people.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Never have sex with a famous person.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Or, no, this is the rule -
0:21:32 > 0:21:35you should only have sex with a famous person
0:21:35 > 0:21:38if you really, really, genuinely,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40want to tell people about it afterwards.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Otherwise, there's nothing in it for you.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Like, I don't know if you've ever kissed anyone that
0:21:47 > 0:21:51you've been in love or lust with for months and years,
0:21:51 > 0:21:53and when you finally kiss them,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55and all you want to do is concentrate on it
0:21:55 > 0:21:57and live in that moment,
0:21:57 > 0:22:01and the way that they're touching you and the way that they smell,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04and instead you've got this inner monologue, like this voice,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06shouting inside your head,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"Oh, my God!
0:22:09 > 0:22:10"I'm kissing Mr Humphries!"
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Also, I think it's very difficult to tell the difference between
0:22:18 > 0:22:21when someone is in love with you, which is like...
0:22:24 > 0:22:27..and when someone is not listening.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33How am I supposed to decide who to go to bed with?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I do need to start being more selective.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Currently, all of my lovers have exactly the same thing in common -
0:22:41 > 0:22:44they're all slightly more attractive than a night bus.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49That's not fussy enough, is it?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51The thing is, I'm not even very good at casual sex, right?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54I don't know if any of you are the same.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Whenever I sleep with someone I'm not in a relationship with,
0:22:58 > 0:22:59I get this really odd...
0:22:59 > 0:23:03It's kind of like a guilty feeling in my tummy,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05and it doesn't go away,
0:23:05 > 0:23:08even when I leave their house and go back to my boyfriend's.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Got to stick at it, I guess, keep on trying.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17The thing is, I just always want what I can't have.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I have no interest in charity fundraisers in the street, right,
0:23:21 > 0:23:25unless they're talking to somebody else,
0:23:25 > 0:23:26in which case I will queue.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Have you seen this advert?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33This is the worst ad I've ever seen.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I saw it in a women's magazine, but I can't remember which one,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39cos they've all got different names, haven't they,
0:23:39 > 0:23:43like Look, New!, Hello!, OK!, Heat,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46but I just think they should all change their name to
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Women Getting Dressed.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Cos that's all that was in it.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Oh, look - Victoria Beckham got dressed.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Katie Holmes got dressed in blue.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Michelle Obama got dressed. How does she find the time?
0:24:06 > 0:24:08We're an intelligent society.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Everyone knows now that these magazines
0:24:10 > 0:24:13are just negative propaganda towards women, aren't they?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I read this thing from cover to cover, and every article,
0:24:16 > 0:24:21everything it was saying, could be condensed down into one short quiz,
0:24:21 > 0:24:22which is basically,
0:24:22 > 0:24:26"Ladies, what do you hate most about yourself?
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"Is it A - your face?
0:24:28 > 0:24:30"Or is it B - your body?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35"Answers to the quiz. Mostly As -
0:24:35 > 0:24:38"Buy expensive make-up to cover it up
0:24:38 > 0:24:41"and expensive clothes to distract people.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45"Mostly Bs - starve yourself and go to the gym.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49"While you're there, look in one of those big mirrors.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52"Are you sure you don't hate your face?"
0:24:55 > 0:24:57Kevin was talking about the double-dip recession.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00I have, I think, solved the economic crisis.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04I mean, I'm not bragging but I think I've worked it out, right?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06So, basically, debt, as I understand it,
0:25:06 > 0:25:10is caused by people borrowing more than they can afford to pay back,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12and they spend it on things they don't need,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15like clothes and shoes and nuclear weapons.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16But when you think about it,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19some people don't get into debt -
0:25:19 > 0:25:20children.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Do they?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24Small, smug, in the black, children.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27So all we need to do is
0:25:27 > 0:25:30make chip and pin machines a bit more like parents,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32and then we don't have a problem.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Because you'd go into the shop, you'd pick something out,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38put in your card and your number and it would say,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40"You've already got a coat."
0:25:45 > 0:25:47And you'd have to go and put it back.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53So you'd pick something else out, put in your card and your number,
0:25:53 > 0:25:54and it would say,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57"Sensible black ones, please, so you can wear them to school."
0:25:59 > 0:26:02So you'd have to put 'em back, so you pick something else out,
0:26:02 > 0:26:06put in your card and your number and it would say,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08"OK, you can have nuclear weapons,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11"but you've got to share them with your sister."
0:26:14 > 0:26:16No.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Then we would have to put 'em back.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Because our sister is France.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24She's the one we want to use them on.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Being poor has not stopped people shopping.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31I know that because I live in Tooting,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34where people have not let being very deprived stop them
0:26:34 > 0:26:37from dressing badly in a different way every day.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40There is a fashion trend in my area
0:26:40 > 0:26:44where women wear T-shirts with more attractive women on them.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Yeah, so there'll be acne-ridden schoolgirls
0:26:48 > 0:26:51emblazoned with Debbie Harry, in her heyday,
0:26:51 > 0:26:56very big women with Kate Moss riding around on their pendulous breasts,
0:26:56 > 0:27:01very old women, the kind that have been betrayed twice by their follicles,
0:27:01 > 0:27:05wearing both five o'clock shadow and a wig,
0:27:05 > 0:27:09and they'll have Rihanna grinding down on them inappropriately.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11When I first noticed this, I thought,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14"These women cannot be well served by the comparison."
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Like, if a gentleman was like, "Oh, hello... Urgh!"
0:27:19 > 0:27:21But then I remembered that men are stupid
0:27:21 > 0:27:24and, actually, they will find anything alluring
0:27:24 > 0:27:26if you put a sexy woman on it.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29That's the basis of all advertising ever.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Like, these T-shirts are probably tricking men into having threesomes.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37"Oh, yeah, it was a great night, last night.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38"It was me, pop star Rihanna,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41"and a really old lady who was bald with a beard."
0:27:43 > 0:27:45The facial hair thing terrifies me.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46I'm setting up a charity,
0:27:46 > 0:27:50which is going to be where young women go into hospitals
0:27:50 > 0:27:53and pluck the faces of old women for them.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55It's going to be called Dignitache.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Thank you very much, this has been an absolute pleasure.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Thank you so much for having me. My name is Sara, good night!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Thank you very much, thank you!
0:28:08 > 0:28:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Give it up for Sara Pascoe.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:17 > 0:28:20All right, ladies and gentlemen, this has been Live At The Apollo.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Give it up for Sara Pascoe!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:27And give it up for Phill Jupitus!
0:28:27 > 0:28:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:32I'm Kevin Bridges, cheers for watching, good night,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34see you again sometime, cheers!
0:28:34 > 0:28:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:58 > 0:29:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd