0:00:18 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:24Lee Nelson!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Hello, hello, hello, hello!
0:00:37 > 0:00:41You all right tonight, Apollo?!
0:00:41 > 0:00:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Yes, I'm in the mood of my life!
0:00:47 > 0:00:53I give blood for the first time this morning!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Yeah, turns out
0:00:56 > 0:00:58I'm not the dad!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Just as well, people, cos me and the missus
0:01:04 > 0:01:06is expecting another baby together.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Yeah, weren't planned or nothing, but you know what it's like.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16You've both had a few drinks, you're in each other's arms,
0:01:16 > 0:01:20you've got 40 people in the car park cheering yous on.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Good to see you again, fella.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27You look well different off my bonnet.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31You legend, come here my man, innit.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Very strong wrists, as on the night, innit.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Ah, I'm in my missus's good books, let me tell you that, people.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46Cos girls, girls like a bit of romance, innit?
0:01:46 > 0:01:48So what I done before she got home from work,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51I laid a dozen roses on her bed.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Yeah.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57She loves the ones with caramel in.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59LAUGHTER
0:02:03 > 0:02:06If you want to impress a girl, you got to be a gentleman,
0:02:06 > 0:02:07that's the truth.
0:02:07 > 0:02:12The other night, I took my missus out for a well fancy meal.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Bill come, she says, "Let's go halves.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I says, "No, no, no, no. I insist."
0:02:19 > 0:02:22"You go back to the car. I'll do a runner."
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Just caned it out of Nandos!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Life is so good at the moment.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37My little boy is the sweetest thing in the world.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40He come into my bedroom, right, a few days ago. I was fast asleep.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45I was spark out. I was down, I was there. Eyes shut.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47In he comes, right up to me face...
0:02:49 > 0:02:51"Daddy?"
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Like that. "Daddy?
0:02:54 > 0:02:55"Daddy?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59"Daddy?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01"Daddy!"
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I opened my eyes and you know what he says?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09"Daddy, I loves you."
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- AUDIENCE: Ah-h-h. - Yeah.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14I says, "If you ever wake me again...
0:03:17 > 0:03:18"You text me that stuff, yeah?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23"Come here. Mwah!"
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Happy birthday!
0:03:27 > 0:03:32Ahh, well good to be here, Apollo, let's hear it, people!
0:03:32 > 0:03:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:36 > 0:03:40What a summer of sport! Ain't it been amazing?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42I've been loving all the moves, man.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Let's do all the moves right now, everyone, let's do the Mobot.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50The Lightning Bolt.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55The England football team.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00APPLAUSE
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Weren't that Paralympics proper inspiring, weren't it?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06I was watching that with my little boy on the telly box,
0:04:06 > 0:04:08he turns to me, he says,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be disabled."
0:04:12 > 0:04:14I says, "Oh, result!
0:04:14 > 0:04:18"I'm claiming disability benefits for you."
0:04:21 > 0:04:24It's well nice, man. And I got to say that,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27cos a lot of people just take one look at me and think, guilty.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32And that's wrong, d'you know what I mean? I'm a nice boy.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I got arrested like one time in my life.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39I got caught shoplifting at Tesco's, which was my own stupid fault, man.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I should never have asked for the Clubcard points.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I don't understand the coppers.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I think they just make the rules up as they is going along.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I mean, this one time, I beat up this white geezer
0:04:52 > 0:04:53and they done me for ABH.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Another time, I beat up this black geezer,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58they done me for impersonating a police officer.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09But other people get judged. People, do people get judged?
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Over here, sweetie pie, do people look at you and think...
0:05:13 > 0:05:14hooker?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22And that's wrong, people! She's a classier girl than that.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24She's like an escort.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30No, man. It's...
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Sweetie pie, listen, man, everyone properly gets judged.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38And you're well nice, d'you know what I mean? You're a very nice girl, innit? Yeah.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42What's your name, sweetie pie?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Is it L'Oreal? Because yous is worth it.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Or is it Jacob? Cos you're a cracker.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Or is it Gillette? Cos you're the best a man can get.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19And you got a tiny 'tache, tiny.
0:06:23 > 0:06:28No, I'm a family man, people, I started looking into my family tree,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30that's proper interesting, innit? Cos I'm Lee Nelson, right?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34I thought I might be related to Admiral Nelson.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36What a buzz would that be? You know what I mean?
0:06:36 > 0:06:40Imagine it, like my family, like, inventing multi-car insurance!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46Oh, man, the whole family, my family's proper interesting
0:06:46 > 0:06:48cos we're all well different.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Like, yeah, you know, me and my brother is totally different,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54you know, I hardly see him no more.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Sort of quite sad what happened to my brother in a lot of ways,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59he started hanging out with the wrong sort of people,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01mixing with the wrong crowd,
0:07:01 > 0:07:03and my brother ended up...
0:07:03 > 0:07:05going to university.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10He's properly made it now, my brother, man.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12He is loaded. He's got one of them cars
0:07:12 > 0:07:14with, er, with tax.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20He thinks I'm immature. It's like, "What?!" Do you know what I mean?
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Lads, have you done that thing, where you go up behind someone
0:07:22 > 0:07:24and just pull their trousers down, like that?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27It's funny, innit? It's a laugh. I done that to him once.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Oh my gosh, he went mental!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Admittedly, by mistake, I done the double,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34which is where you get the boxers as well.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37But it was still funny. We was laughing and laughing.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40He was so pissed off, he was saying it was HIS wedding and...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47My little sister, aww, I love my little sister,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50she's 13 years old. And she, I get properly, sort of,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I look after her, I look out for her, that's what you've gotta do.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Like, the other day, she comes down the stairs,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58starts leaving the house, I says, "Oi!
0:07:58 > 0:08:00"You ain't going out the house looking like that.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04"Now you get back upstairs and you put some make-up on.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08"You're never going to pull like that, you know what I mean?"
0:08:08 > 0:08:10People, innit? All my family are so different,
0:08:10 > 0:08:13that's the interesting thing about it
0:08:13 > 0:08:16and my family, if I'm honest with you, is a little bit messed up.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18A little bit, cos my old man,
0:08:18 > 0:08:22he left my mum for her sister.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Yeah, and that's wrong, innit?
0:08:25 > 0:08:29My mum still tells the story about how she found out about it actually.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Basically my mum and dad was at it in bed together one night,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35and my old man used to shout my mum's name out
0:08:35 > 0:08:37when he was finishing.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Yeah, and my mum's name is Sally
0:08:40 > 0:08:44and my auntie's name is Molly,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46and one night instead of shouting
0:08:46 > 0:08:52"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Sally!"
0:08:52 > 0:08:58He shouts, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, been banging your sister!"
0:09:01 > 0:09:04And that was it, gone! Out of there, never saw him again.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05The only thing he left us
0:09:05 > 0:09:09was a letter explaining everything about why he had done it and all.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12And I've actually got that letter with me here tonight
0:09:12 > 0:09:16and I'd like to read it for yous if that's all right, people.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20It just, like, helps me get over things a little bit.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24So, yeah, bear with me, but...
0:09:24 > 0:09:25Yeah.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"Dear family,
0:09:32 > 0:09:35"I have decided to leave...
0:09:39 > 0:09:40"Love, Dad."
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Yeah, the rest is just tits that he drew.
0:09:51 > 0:09:52And, um, there's...
0:09:52 > 0:09:55there's one cock and balls.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Thank you, that has helped.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02You know what? It's been a tough time, man, it's been a tough time
0:10:02 > 0:10:05for my family recently, cos my grandad passed away.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09And yeah, it was, awww, he was driving on the motorway,
0:10:09 > 0:10:14and he had a seizure and paralysed, couldn't move a muscle.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Hit a motorway flyover.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Sounds instant, don't it,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22but he was 72, he was driving at 20 mile an hour.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28He saw that flyover coming towards him for 11 minutes.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38We all had time to bail out.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45APPLAUSE
0:10:49 > 0:10:52My uncle even went back for his jacket.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I got the Tom-Tom, but...
0:10:59 > 0:11:02..it's what he would have wanted, so...
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Well, it was what he wanted, I had to prise it out of his hands.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10You know what, I am so excited that I'm going to be a dad again
0:11:10 > 0:11:14because I didn't think it was going to be possible, to be honest.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15I had a health scare of my own.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19I actually found, erm, I found a lump on my testicle.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21And I was very lucky, actually.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I went to the doctor the second I found out about it!
0:11:24 > 0:11:27He done a load of tests and found it was, um,
0:11:27 > 0:11:28a bit of chewing gum.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Never ever get noshed off by a bird who's trying to give up smoking.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Yous lot is a nice bunch of people in here tonight.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42I gotta be honest with you.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46It's nice, from the posh people down here to the scum upstairs...
0:11:46 > 0:11:49CHEERING AND JEERING
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Going to start chucking bottles down soon, innit?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59How are you doing over here, geeze?
0:11:59 > 0:12:01You look like quite a well-to-do,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04a sort of posh fellow, with you, sweetie pie, as well,
0:12:04 > 0:12:05I can tell with the body language.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09You're sitting there, sweetie pie, clutching your rape alarm.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15No, it's all good, I got a lot of love for the posh,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17they just do things differently, innit?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Normal people on a night out, they're like,
0:12:19 > 0:12:23"Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26"Smoke some weed! Smoke some weed! Smoke some weed!"
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Poshos over there,
0:12:28 > 0:12:31"Sip it! Sip it! Sip it!
0:12:31 > 0:12:35"Smoke some salmon! Smoke some salmon!"
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Ahh, you is a legend, fella, how posh is you?
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Is you top level posh, is you medium posh? Tell you what,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46shall we do a posh test on this man and find out?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:12:49 > 0:12:52All right, fella, question number one,
0:12:52 > 0:12:56you can tell a lot by a name, what's your full name?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- Piers Collins. - Piers Collins.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04They're going to have you for breakfast up there.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Piers Collins, have you got a middle name, Piers?
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- Yes.- Go on, tell us...
0:13:12 > 0:13:13- Hope.- What's it?
0:13:13 > 0:13:17- Hope.- Hope.- Hope's my middle name.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Why was you most embarrassed about that name?
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Piers Hope Collins. That's all right, geeze, it's good, it's good,
0:13:24 > 0:13:27it's looking pretty posh, let's be honest, but it's nice.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30OK, question number two in the posh test, let's think,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Piers Hope Collins, it's all good.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37All right, do you usually carry a cash card or a credit card or both?
0:13:37 > 0:13:41- Both.- OK, Piers Hope Collins with both a cash card and a credit card.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Question number three. All right...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48What is...
0:13:48 > 0:13:49your PIN number?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55You is a legend, fella.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Listen, posh is either in the family or it ain't,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01that's the thing about posh. You know your parents, right?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04- Yes.- Yeah? There we go, you're posh.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09APPLAUSE
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Ladies and gentlemen,
0:14:14 > 0:14:18apparently we have a load of celebrities in tonight.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Oo-ooh!
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Not sure exactly where they are...
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Oh, there's James Caan.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Hello, James, do you know where any of the celebrities are?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Joking, you Dragons' Den legend, nah.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Let's say 'ello, it's Ellie Crisell! How are you, babe?
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Ellie does the BBC news summary,
0:14:42 > 0:14:45which is a 90-second summary of the news,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Monday through to Thursday, innit?
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Now, presumably working them sort of hours
0:14:50 > 0:14:53you can still claim for unemployment benefits?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Who else we got in the house, man? We has got...
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Ah, people, we has got a proper treat in here, right.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06We has got a load of well good Olympic and Paralympic athletes.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10All of them, give us a wave and let's big up Team GB!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Come on, athletes!
0:15:12 > 0:15:13There they are...
0:15:15 > 0:15:17..legends the lot of them.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Beth Tweddle, where's Beth Tweddle?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Yes, there she is, sweetie pie!
0:15:26 > 0:15:28She won her medal in the uneven bars,
0:15:28 > 0:15:31I watched that, I thought it was well good.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34It does come across that you was a proper northern girl, though.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Yes, you was wearing very, very little...
0:15:39 > 0:15:41..going from bar to bar...
0:15:43 > 0:15:45..and the end you couldn't quite stand up.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Oh, let's big up the athletes, man, let's big 'em up.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:00 > 0:16:03My head's a little bit all over the place, if I'm honest with you, man.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07I just got back from an absolutely crazy stag, right?
0:16:07 > 0:16:12Check this out, 12 of us went mountain biking in Iceland,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15it was UNBELIEVABLE, man!
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Till we got booted out the shop.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Oh, it's great, innit? Isn't it interesting?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I love going all around the world
0:16:25 > 0:16:28and experiencing new things about new places.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I went to Euro Disney recent.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Yeah, it's brilliant, I never knew America was that close.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38- Who here's been Euro Disney, hands up if you've been Euro Disney? - CHEERING
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Legend, over there, in the jacket,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42did you have a good time in Euro Disney?
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Yeah...grow up.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Nah, it is, it's good. It's good for the dads, innit?
0:16:49 > 0:16:50And it's good for the kids as well
0:16:50 > 0:16:53because for the kids you've got all the characters walking around -
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Buzz Lightyear, and Mickey Mouse, and Donald Duck, yeah.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02And for the dads, like me, you've got Cinderella - YES!
0:17:02 > 0:17:03The Little Mermaid - YES!
0:17:03 > 0:17:06I would, I wouldn't know how but I'd give it a go!
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I hired a car when I was in France, I dunno whether you done the same?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19They're the most mental drivers in the world, innit?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21They're absolutely crazy!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24You know, over here when you're vexed on the road,
0:17:24 > 0:17:25we do that, innit?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28That's the signal, innit? You do that when you're vexed on the road.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30In France they don't do that,
0:17:30 > 0:17:33they got a flat hand, they do it, innit, like that.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37Different culture, they don't do that, they do that, innit?
0:17:37 > 0:17:43And they don't say, "Wanker," French word for it is, "Wrong side!"
0:17:43 > 0:17:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:53 > 0:17:58People, we has got a well, WELL, good line-up for you tonight!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01Is you up for your first act of the evening?
0:18:01 > 0:18:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:04 > 0:18:09Pop your nut, it's Stewart Francis!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23# Get it all out
0:18:23 > 0:18:26# Yeah, sweat it all out. #
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Wow!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32The feeling is mutual!
0:18:33 > 0:18:38Ah, man, I hope I sound sincere when I say that it's an absolute thrill
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- to be here in...- ROBOTIC FEMALE VOICEOVER:- Beautiful London.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49And I mean that.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55My stage name is Stewart Francis, my real name is Barbra Streisand...
0:18:55 > 0:18:58MUSIC: "Barbra Streisand" by Duck Sauce
0:19:01 > 0:19:03- HE MOUTHS:- Barbra Streisand.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09..but, apparently, someone's already using that name...
0:19:10 > 0:19:12..and when I find out who...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I'm going to punch them right in the nose.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20I dunno how you guys got here tonight,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23I squatted down, put my head between my knees and fell forward...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25that's how I roll.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36My ex-girlfriend said we can work on my bladder problem together.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37I said, "There is no WEE."
0:19:40 > 0:19:42"Now, piss off."
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Uncle just set a new world record by getting 27 pigeons to land on him.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49What a ledge!
0:19:52 > 0:19:54They should make a statue of that man.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58He'd like that.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Does my wife think I'm a control freak?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I haven't decided yet.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06She used to hate that joke.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08And now she loves it.
0:20:14 > 0:20:19The other night at a party, my wife got drunk and told everyone she invented the echo.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I said, "Listen to yourself!
0:20:22 > 0:20:23"..self...
0:20:24 > 0:20:26"self."
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Fat people block the pavement. There's no getting around it.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Ever taken a shit so big you needed a midwife?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Me too.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Unfortunately, the blueprint to my honey farm was destroyed.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57I have no plan BEE.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03In some circles I'm considered the inventor of the hula hoop.
0:21:06 > 0:21:11People who reinforce their own country's negative stereotypes - what's that all about?
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Eh?
0:21:15 > 0:21:21Eh? Gets me so angry I just want to throw down my jar of maple syrup
0:21:21 > 0:21:23and crawl out of my igloo,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26pick up my ice hockey stick and club a seal.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Or a moose.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Or Justin Bieber.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:36 > 0:21:38You're welcome.
0:21:38 > 0:21:45Canada has the fewest number of pretentious people to speak Latin than anywhere else in the world...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47per capita.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52I'm talking Saskatchewan, Manitoba, et cetera, et cetera.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Vis-a-vis New Brunswick.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Spartacus.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02I don't think Spartacus is Latin, but it gets me a couple of laughs.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04That's why I'm here.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07People say I have the legs of a dancer
0:22:07 > 0:22:09but until they find the rest of the body
0:22:09 > 0:22:11the cops got nothing on me, man!
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Someone recently called me a shameless self-promoter.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Me, Stewart Francis...
0:22:22 > 0:22:23..dot com.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I've been described as being dismissive
0:22:27 > 0:22:29and having a limited vocabulary.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30Pfft!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Fff!
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Pffft!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Pfft!
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Women!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42People say I'm a plagiarist -
0:22:42 > 0:22:44their word, not mine.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48I've been called irritating. Not once, not twice,
0:22:48 > 0:22:52not three times, not four times, not five times,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54not six times, not seven times,
0:22:54 > 0:22:58not eight times, not nine times, not even ten times.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Not 11 times, not 12 times,
0:23:01 > 0:23:05not 13 times, and finally, not 14 times.
0:23:05 > 0:23:11Not 15 times, not 16 times, but a grand total of 17 times.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Not 18 times.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Someone recently called me, I believe the word was "photogenic".
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Is that a word, photogenic?
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Is it photogenic? Am I pronouncing it right? Is it...?
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Is it photo... No?
0:23:29 > 0:23:32I don't want to look stupid up here. Is it photogenic?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Is that even a word?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Is that it?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I haven't said a silly word in...
0:23:43 > 0:23:45yonks.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50I've never asked a rhetorical question. How cool is that?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Know what I'm saying?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Recently accused of doing nothing but sitting around all day
0:23:58 > 0:24:00watching hip-hop videos by my bitch.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03Shawty's all up in my grill...
0:24:06 > 0:24:08..my boo's just trippin'.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10She knows my flavour's hot.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I have no idea what I just said...
0:24:16 > 0:24:17..and that is fo' shizzle.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23I do watch a lot of television - the entire screen, for that matter.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Oh, I saw a documentary on how ships are held together!
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Riveting!
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I did not know that.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I saw a show called Last Of The Summer Wine.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41If you haven't seen it, it's about three creepy old guys
0:24:41 > 0:24:46who roam the countryside trying to be funny and failing miserably.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49No, Top Gear, it's called Top Gear, right?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Where three creepy old guys...
0:24:59 > 0:25:01They're both the same show, as far as I'm concerned.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04In both shows the tall one's an egotistical know-it-all
0:25:04 > 0:25:06and the short one's always getting hurt.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Now I have some more tasteless Richard Hammond jokes, so...
0:25:13 > 0:25:14buckle up.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Some people just don't get my jokes.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23The other night, there, I was at a party
0:25:23 > 0:25:25doing a bunch of jokes for the Red Arrows - phew!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Got a joke about Moses that will divide the room.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Got a joke about cannibalism, which ironically is in good taste.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Puns about air conditioners?
0:25:38 > 0:25:39Not a fan.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I have never and will never do a pun on erections -
0:25:44 > 0:25:45touch wood.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50I like my women the way I like my skis -
0:25:50 > 0:25:52rented.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58With a little wax on their bottom.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Swish!
0:26:01 > 0:26:02Swish!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Me, lazy?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Don't get me started.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10I really am lazy.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Instead of a threesome, I sleep with a schizophrenic.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19You guys like impressions?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Yeah, me too, they're good, hope that works out for you.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26To me, Ed Miliband doesn't look like a leader,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28to me, Ed Miliband looks like a security guard
0:26:28 > 0:26:30who just heard a noise in the warehouse.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:39 > 0:26:41You know who really gives kids a bad name?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Posh and Becks.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Posh and Becks or, as I like to call them, Thick and Thin.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57In an effort to improve his looks, Wayne Rooney had a hair transplant -
0:26:57 > 0:27:00it's official, you can polish a turd.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:07 > 0:27:09Did I already do my deja vu joke?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15I am Canadian although I truly do feel British
0:27:15 > 0:27:19because, well, both my parents are alcoholics.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I'm getting old. I'm as old as the Hills.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30They're my neighbours, I don't know why I just told you that.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32The body's starting to fail me.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35The other night, I was in a restaurant and I couldn't read the menu.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37And then I shit myself.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40LAUGHTER
0:27:40 > 0:27:43I used to be a motorcycle courier.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44Those things are heavy.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51The more I travel, the more I learn about different cultures.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54I was recently in Bangkok - do you know in Bangkok it's considered rude
0:27:54 > 0:27:56to display the bottom of your feet towards someone,
0:27:56 > 0:27:59yet shoving a coke bottle up my ass was OK with them.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04I can't go to Egypt, I can't eat Egyptian food.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07After I eat Egyptian food I always "falafel".
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Why do I do puns about Egyptian food?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Just be-couscous.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Come on, where's your sense of hummus?
0:28:17 > 0:28:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:25I recently went to Turkey.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28You know it's considered rude to blow your nose into a tissue in public?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Yet shoving a Coke bottle up my ass was OK with them.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35- HIGH PITCHED VOICE: - # You're beautiful
0:28:35 > 0:28:38# You're beautiful, it's true
0:28:38 > 0:28:40# I saw your face
0:28:40 > 0:28:42# In a crowded place
0:28:42 > 0:28:47# And I don't know what to do
0:28:47 > 0:28:50# Cos I'll never be with you. #
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Forgive me for being a little Blunt.
0:28:56 > 0:29:00There are too many bad parents in this world. That's why I'm seriously considering adoption.
0:29:00 > 0:29:04People say to me, "Stewart, you're too old to be adopted."
0:29:05 > 0:29:07I stopped breast-feeding at five.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09How was your day?
0:29:09 > 0:29:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:17 > 0:29:22After hearing that my real parents were budgies, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Yes, I'm a pretty boy.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29At first I didn't believe my father stole from his job as a lollipop man
0:29:29 > 0:29:31but all the signs were there.
0:29:35 > 0:29:38I used to sell loose onions, till I got the sack.
0:29:42 > 0:29:46I used to be a pantomime horse. I quit while I was a head.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.
0:29:54 > 0:29:56I started a VD clinic from scratch.
0:29:59 > 0:30:02How many years did I work in the haunted house?
0:30:02 > 0:30:04You'll be surprised!
0:30:04 > 0:30:07Two!
0:30:09 > 0:30:12Tired of my ridiculous puns, my wife left me for a fisherman.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14I was gutted.
0:30:14 > 0:30:15I'm still reeling.
0:30:15 > 0:30:18She was quite the catch.
0:30:18 > 0:30:20I miss Annette.
0:30:24 > 0:30:28No, she left me for a Star Wars enthusiast. I felt "Solo".
0:30:30 > 0:30:34No, she left me for a classical musician. I can't "Handel" it.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37No, she left me for a weatherman. She'll be "mist".
0:30:37 > 0:30:41No, she left me for a bungee salesman. She'll be back.
0:30:41 > 0:30:44No, she left me for an electrician.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46Bitch!
0:30:48 > 0:30:51Did you know most Americans pray before they eat?
0:30:51 > 0:30:54Could you imagine praying 18 times a day?
0:30:54 > 0:30:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:31:01 > 0:31:04I did that joke in America and they found it offensive,
0:31:04 > 0:31:07yet shoving a Coke bottle up my ass was OK with them.
0:31:07 > 0:31:11I'm Stewart Francis, have a wonderful evening, good night!
0:31:11 > 0:31:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:16 > 0:31:20One more time, Stewart Francis!
0:31:25 > 0:31:29People, is you up for your final act of the night?
0:31:29 > 0:31:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:31 > 0:31:35Welcome the one, the only, it's Paul Chowdhry!
0:31:35 > 0:31:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:54 > 0:31:56Yeah. What's happening, white people?
0:31:57 > 0:31:59Going to do some stuff for you tonight,
0:31:59 > 0:32:02none of the old stuff I used to do, like Purple Rain.
0:32:05 > 0:32:06That's what I like about London,
0:32:06 > 0:32:08the weather's changing, you see people walking about,
0:32:08 > 0:32:11especially when the weather gets good - hot, or too cold, Cockneys...
0:32:11 > 0:32:14COCKNEY ACCENT: "It is baking, Dave!"
0:32:14 > 0:32:18"I am absolutely sweltering, mate! I am sweating like a right slag!"
0:32:20 > 0:32:22"It's 12 degrees, Dave.
0:32:24 > 0:32:25"It's going to rain in a minute."
0:32:25 > 0:32:29Then you see Indians walking around with their coats and jackets on,
0:32:29 > 0:32:32INDIAN ACCENT: "It's too cold, get the coat, the jacket...
0:32:32 > 0:32:34"the sweater-r-r-r."
0:32:34 > 0:32:37INDIAN ACCENT: "It's too cold, bastard!"
0:32:37 > 0:32:40COCKNEY ACCENT: "It is baking, Dave."
0:32:40 > 0:32:42Same weather, different clothes!
0:32:42 > 0:32:45Only people who keep this country going
0:32:45 > 0:32:47are the illegal minicab drivers.
0:32:47 > 0:32:50I got this cab the other day, right? He starts telling me his life story.
0:32:50 > 0:32:51I'm in the back,
0:32:51 > 0:32:53AFRICAN ACCENT: "In my country I was a doctor."
0:32:55 > 0:32:57"What?"
0:32:57 > 0:33:01AFRICAN ACCENT: "I was a doctor-r-r-r in my country."
0:33:02 > 0:33:06I was like, "Keep your eyes on the road, mate,
0:33:06 > 0:33:08"we're going to need a doctor after this ride."
0:33:08 > 0:33:09"I was a doct..."
0:33:09 > 0:33:12"What do you need to become a doctor in your country?"
0:33:12 > 0:33:13"A driving licence."
0:33:17 > 0:33:20Good to see a lot of Indian people have come out tonight.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22CHEERING
0:33:22 > 0:33:25- One guy over there, where you from, gangster?- Milton Keynes.
0:33:25 > 0:33:26Milton Keynes?
0:33:29 > 0:33:32- Still live with your parents?- No. - This is the thing about...
0:33:32 > 0:33:34English people get a lot more independence.
0:33:34 > 0:33:36Indian people don't get the independ... English, like...
0:33:36 > 0:33:38When we want to move out
0:33:38 > 0:33:40we're never allowed to move out of our family home.
0:33:40 > 0:33:42"Dad, I want to move out, I want to get my own..."
0:33:42 > 0:33:44INDIAN ACCENT: "You want to do what, bastard?"
0:33:45 > 0:33:47"I want to get out..."
0:33:47 > 0:33:49INDIAN ACCENT: "You never leave this house, bastard!
0:33:49 > 0:33:53"You don't leave till I'm dead, you're dead, EVERYBODY'S dead...
0:33:54 > 0:33:57"..and you still don't leave, bastard!"
0:33:57 > 0:33:59English people have a lot more independence.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02COCKNEY ACCENT: "When are you going to move out, son?
0:34:02 > 0:34:03"You're five now.
0:34:05 > 0:34:09"When you going to go out and get a job, you scrounging little slag?
0:34:09 > 0:34:10"Get out and take your kids with ya!"
0:34:14 > 0:34:17A lot more independence. We get a lot of racism. Loads of my mates,
0:34:17 > 0:34:21English mates, they always want to go out for a curry with me.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24"Paul, let's go out for a curry, mate."
0:34:24 > 0:34:27Why would I want to go out for a curry?
0:34:27 > 0:34:29You racist bastard.
0:34:29 > 0:34:32I don't say, "Dave, let's go out for a Cornish pasty, mate."
0:34:34 > 0:34:37"But I'm not Cornish." "And I'm not fresh off the banana boat, Dave."
0:34:37 > 0:34:41Indian food is the only food that's referred to as a laxative.
0:34:43 > 0:34:46I've got to be on the shitter while I'm eating this.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49"It's going right through me, son.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51"What is it, Paul?" "It's a banana, Dave."
0:34:54 > 0:34:57I reckon we can all break down racial barriers in this country
0:34:57 > 0:35:01if we all put on the same accent as the person we're speaking to.
0:35:05 > 0:35:08I think, you know, Indian restaurant, put on a slight Indian accent.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10Like, "One poppadom...
0:35:12 > 0:35:14"..one chicken tikka masala...
0:35:14 > 0:35:17"one naan bread."
0:35:17 > 0:35:20Don't take it too far, like, "Bring it to me, bastard!"
0:35:23 > 0:35:25Don't do the head shaking and the hand movement.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27Cos that's racist.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29If you change your cheeks,
0:35:29 > 0:35:31you've gotta change your face to go with the voice -
0:35:31 > 0:35:32"One battered chicken."
0:35:32 > 0:35:35I did that too much in this restaurant the other day,
0:35:35 > 0:35:37I was like, "One battered chicken."
0:35:37 > 0:35:41The guy goes to me, "You want dick sauce with that?"
0:35:44 > 0:35:46"One battered chicken?"
0:35:46 > 0:35:49"You want dick sauce or no dick sauce?"
0:35:49 > 0:35:51I just dropped the accent at that point.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54"Hey, listen, man, forget the dick sauce.
0:35:54 > 0:35:56"What kind of restaurant is this?"
0:35:57 > 0:36:00"I said THICK sauce, not dick sauce!"
0:36:00 > 0:36:03That was some pretty thick sauce when it came back.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09You gotta do it everywhere, you know? That's when I want racism!
0:36:09 > 0:36:12I want it in a restaurant. If I go to a Chinese restaurant I don't want some guy...
0:36:12 > 0:36:14COCKNEY ACCENT: "What can I get you, mate?"
0:36:14 > 0:36:16"You can get me a Chinese waiter."
0:36:18 > 0:36:19"What's Dave doing here?"
0:36:21 > 0:36:24I want proper racism, I want Bernard Manning, you know...
0:36:24 > 0:36:27CHINESE ACCENT: "One ri', two ri', how many ri' you wa'?!"
0:36:27 > 0:36:31"Two...two ri'? How many ri' you want?"
0:36:32 > 0:36:36I want him to get so confused he doesn't even know what he's ordering.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38"You want two ri' or 17 ri'?!"
0:36:40 > 0:36:43"28 ri' or 29 ri'?"
0:36:44 > 0:36:48I want it to be like Jackie Chan racial, "Hmm, how many ri' you wan'?"
0:36:48 > 0:36:50HE MOUTHS
0:36:52 > 0:36:55ENGLISH ACCENT: "Oh, waiter, please, no violence, master."
0:36:55 > 0:36:58HE MOUTHS
0:36:58 > 0:37:00I want him to get so angry he takes it out on the guy in the kitchen
0:37:00 > 0:37:02cos you confused him during the order,
0:37:02 > 0:37:07"You want two ri' or three ri'? One minute, one minute... Argh!"
0:37:07 > 0:37:09SHOUTS
0:37:09 > 0:37:12"I dunno what I just ordered...
0:37:13 > 0:37:16"..but someone's getting Jackie Channed in that kitchen."
0:37:17 > 0:37:19There was one restaurant I heard about in London,
0:37:19 > 0:37:22got closed down because they were putting flour in the bin
0:37:22 > 0:37:23and onion bhajis in a basket.
0:37:23 > 0:37:27When health and safety turned up, they said, "Is that the bin or the bucket?"
0:37:27 > 0:37:29INDIAN ACCENT: "Bin, bucket, same thing."
0:37:29 > 0:37:31"Is that the kitchen or the bath...?"
0:37:31 > 0:37:33INDIAN ACCENT: "Kitchen, bathroom, same thing."
0:37:33 > 0:37:37"Is that the fridge or the freezer?" INDIAN ACCENT: "Fridge, freezer, same thing."
0:37:37 > 0:37:41"Is that your wife or your cousin?" INDIAN ACCENT: "Wife, cousin, same thing."
0:37:41 > 0:37:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:45 > 0:37:47Times have changed now, mate.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50I grew up in the '70s, when there was no money.
0:37:50 > 0:37:55You know you've got no money when your family re-use margarine tubs.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57That's when you know you're skint.
0:37:57 > 0:38:00You can't believe it's not butter.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03That's cos there's mincemeat in that shit.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07I got mincemeat on my toast in the morning.
0:38:09 > 0:38:12My family used to think water was a preservative.
0:38:12 > 0:38:16Say there was no soap in the house. "Dad, there's no soap."
0:38:16 > 0:38:19He thought, put water in the soap, you get more soap out of it.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21It's not technically correct, is it?
0:38:21 > 0:38:26"Dad, there's no soap." "Don't worry, put water in the soap, shake the soap...
0:38:26 > 0:38:28"you got more soap."
0:38:30 > 0:38:32It's water on my hands now.
0:38:32 > 0:38:34I've got homeopathic soap.
0:38:35 > 0:38:39We used to have fish and chips once a week. "There's no ketchup, Dad."
0:38:39 > 0:38:43"Don't worry, put water in the ketchup, shake the ketchup...
0:38:48 > 0:38:50"..you got more ketchup."
0:38:50 > 0:38:52I've got red water on my chips now.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54I've got soggy chips.
0:38:54 > 0:38:58I had so much water on my plate, the fish started swimming again.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:01 > 0:39:05The family thought, if you put stuff in the freezer, it lasts for ever.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07"Fresh in the freezer."
0:39:07 > 0:39:09We used to have stuff that was well past it.
0:39:09 > 0:39:12It's a freezer, not a time machine.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17We used to have chicken, fish, dodo...
0:39:22 > 0:39:23It's different, that's what it is.
0:39:23 > 0:39:26Break down barrier, like, I travel on Virgin planes now, right?
0:39:26 > 0:39:27Problem is, when I travel abroad,
0:39:27 > 0:39:29Virgin planes, you can phone up your people,
0:39:29 > 0:39:33tell them when you're arriving at your destination - they've got phones on the planes.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35Problem is most of my family speak Punjabi abroad,
0:39:35 > 0:39:38so when I'm telling them I'm arriving I've got to tell them in Punjabi.
0:39:38 > 0:39:43I was on the plane, I was like, "I'm on, er, flight 749..." HE SPEAKS PUNJABI
0:39:43 > 0:39:45The guy next to me shit himself.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53He phoned up his wife and told her he loved her...
0:39:55 > 0:39:58..and he might never see her again.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00I didn't want to ruin the surprise...
0:40:00 > 0:40:02I started reading the Koran...
0:40:04 > 0:40:05..I'm not even a Muslim!
0:40:09 > 0:40:13This country hasn't quite clamped down, even the government, you know?
0:40:13 > 0:40:14Problems in this country.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17You get stabbed in this country, they won't find the killers.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20But if you drive down a bus lane...
0:40:22 > 0:40:24..they'll take a picture of you in the car
0:40:24 > 0:40:27and send it to your house within 48 hours.
0:40:27 > 0:40:31So if you get stabbed, make sure you get stabbed in a bus lane...
0:40:31 > 0:40:33LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:40:39 > 0:40:40It's a problem, you know?
0:40:40 > 0:40:43Even, like, people don't even wear their seatbelts in the car -
0:40:43 > 0:40:44government had this campaign,
0:40:44 > 0:40:46going to try and help people wear a seatbelt.
0:40:46 > 0:40:50This guy goes to pick up a pizza, he's not wearing a seat belt,
0:40:50 > 0:40:54he crashes the car, pizza's flipped up all over the place.
0:40:54 > 0:40:56Pepperami everywhere...
0:40:56 > 0:40:58He's dead.
0:40:58 > 0:41:01Second take, he picks up a pizza again, crashes the car,
0:41:01 > 0:41:03this time he's wearing a seat belt,
0:41:03 > 0:41:05pizza's flipped up all over the place,
0:41:05 > 0:41:08pepperami everywhere, but he survives.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10It says, "What have you learned from this video?"
0:41:10 > 0:41:13I'm like, "Get your pizza delivered."
0:41:13 > 0:41:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:41:19 > 0:41:22People believe in all that now. Illuminati.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25People think the government's controlled by other forces.
0:41:25 > 0:41:26Illuminati, innit, blud?
0:41:26 > 0:41:29Do you believe in that, man?
0:41:29 > 0:41:32Do you believe in 9/11 conspiracies?
0:41:32 > 0:41:36I got mates like you. My mate goes, "King Kong did that, innit?"
0:41:36 > 0:41:38"Where was King Kong during 9/11, blud?"
0:41:40 > 0:41:44He goes, "Blud, yeah, don't phone my mobile, innit, call my land line."
0:41:45 > 0:41:47"How come?" "CIA, innit?"
0:41:48 > 0:41:50"You live in England, you idiot."
0:41:50 > 0:41:54"You don't know, innit? CIA, MFI, M&S."
0:41:54 > 0:41:55LAUGHTER
0:41:57 > 0:41:59"It's Illuminati, blud, yeah."
0:41:59 > 0:42:05He goes, "Yeah, blud, yeah, Bin Laden, yeah, he's not even dead, innit?"
0:42:05 > 0:42:06"What are you talking about?"
0:42:06 > 0:42:10He goes, "If he died, he'd have got a Muslim burial." "No, he wouldn't."
0:42:10 > 0:42:15Bin Laden didn't deserve to get thrown into the sea. We should have just chucked him into a wheelie bin.
0:42:15 > 0:42:17Like we did with that cat last year.
0:42:19 > 0:42:22And then we could have called him Osama Wheelie Bin Laden.
0:42:22 > 0:42:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:42:28 > 0:42:33He goes, "Blud, it's the Illuminati." I'm, "What's the Illuminati anyway?"
0:42:33 > 0:42:35"People that glow in the dark, innit?"
0:42:35 > 0:42:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:42:40 > 0:42:44Have a nice time, you've been a great crowd, thanks a lot, cheers.
0:42:44 > 0:42:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:48 > 0:42:51One more time, Paul Chowdhry!
0:42:51 > 0:42:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:55 > 0:43:01That, people, is all we've got time for! Oh, no!
0:43:01 > 0:43:03People, let's hear your love one more time -
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Stewart Francis!
0:43:05 > 0:43:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:07 > 0:43:09Paul Chowdhry!
0:43:09 > 0:43:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:10 > 0:43:13I hope to see you all again well soon.
0:43:13 > 0:43:16I hope to see YOU in the disabled toilets in five.
0:43:16 > 0:43:18I've been Lee Nelson,
0:43:18 > 0:43:23this has been Live At The Apollo. Good night, London!
0:43:23 > 0:43:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:45 > 0:43:49Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd