0:00:18 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Omid Djalili.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Good evening! Are you well?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49You all had a drink?
0:00:49 > 0:00:51You all up for a laugh?
0:00:51 > 0:00:54And THAT is why the West must be destroyed!
0:00:57 > 0:00:59You know, when I travel round the world doing
0:00:59 > 0:01:02stand-up comedy, I love languages. And you can pick up
0:01:02 > 0:01:05languages by talking to people, just by talking to people.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Which is why I know the words, "Get off, you're crap!"
0:01:08 > 0:01:11in 12 languages, actually.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12SPEAKS UZBEK
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Yeah, like the Uzbeks know anything about comedy!
0:01:17 > 0:01:20But sometimes, speaking a different language is actually quite helpful.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23Like, for example, I love Italian food, but I hate it
0:01:23 > 0:01:25when they leave the shells on the prawns.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28But if you speak to the Italian waiter in his own language,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31he can sort it out. I'll say, "Si, come stai?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34"Allora. Per favore, e possibile, i gamberoni...
0:01:34 > 0:01:36"Can you take the shells off?"
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Haven't quite mastered it yet.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44It also works in Arabic shops as well.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I'll go up to an Arab, I'll say,
0:01:46 > 0:01:47"Habibi..."
0:01:47 > 0:01:50SPEAKS FARSI
0:01:50 > 0:01:53"How much are the detonators? Do you know how much they cost?"
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I hear we have lots of celebrities here tonight, and I have to
0:01:59 > 0:02:03say that part of this show is that every now and again, the comedians
0:02:03 > 0:02:07can make fun of the celebrities, and make fun of people who have a
0:02:07 > 0:02:10higher status than them, people who have a higher status than them.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12So moving on, it's great to be here.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16And I have to tell you, you can relax!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Biggins! I love Biggins!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20But you know, this week is very hard.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23I went to Blockbuster DVD. I was looking for Al Gore's
0:02:23 > 0:02:27movie on the environment. You know Al Gore's movie on the environment?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29And I couldn't find it. I said, "Excuse me.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31"Do you have An Inconvenient Truth?"
0:02:31 > 0:02:34The guy goes, "Yeah. You're fat cos you eat too much."
0:02:36 > 0:02:39But it was a great year for anyone in the Middle East because
0:02:39 > 0:02:42before the Arab Spring started, we had the meeting of all meetings.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46We had Barack Obama meeting the Egyptian President, Hosni Mubarak.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48What a great introduction that was!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50"Barack, Mubarak. Mubarak, Barack."
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Three years I was waiting for that.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57It's like a Tommy Cooper routine, isn't it?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01"Barack, Mubarak. Mubarak, Barack. Mubarak, Barack. Barack, Mubarak.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03"Mubarak, Barack.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06"How'd you lose your country?" "Just like that."
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Three years! Three years I was waiting for that.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18And last year was the year they killed Osama bin Laden.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20We all remember where we were when bin Laden was killed.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23I remember where I was. I was in a compound in Abbottabad,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25pretending to be a woman.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29We spent ten years looking for bin Laden.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33We scoured 27 countries, looking for bin Laden.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37We spent 2 billion, looking for bin Laden.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Where do we find him? In his house!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46APPLAUSE
0:03:51 > 0:03:54But the Arab Spring went all round the world.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56It started in Tunisia, then it went to Egypt and Syria.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01Every country in the Middle East was galvanised. Everywhere except Dubai.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Because Dubai is a very interesting country. They're a bit too, umm...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07There's too much money there. There were people on the streets,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10going, "What do we want? Democracy! When do we want it?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12"After happy hour!"
0:04:12 > 0:04:15And when you go there, they always give you some kind of...
0:04:15 > 0:04:18There's always a guide who goes, "Omid, you come here.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20"You come to Dubai. We are the Las Vegas of the Middle East.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"You want girl? We get you girl.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25"You want drink? You can drink. You want to gamble? You can gamble.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28"All day long. Girl, drink, gamble. Gamble, drink, girl.
0:04:28 > 0:04:32"Drink, girl... You want to drink girl? We blend girl, you drink it!"
0:04:35 > 0:04:36"You want all three?
0:04:36 > 0:04:40"We blend girl, you drink it, we bet how quickly you down it in one!"
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I said, "Actually, no. I'm not into all of that. I'm quite hungry."
0:04:44 > 0:04:46"Ah, what you want, my friend? Anything you want."
0:04:46 > 0:04:48I said, "I quite fancy a bacon sandwich."
0:04:48 > 0:04:52He went, "Pork?! What do you think we are, infidels?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54"This is a Muslim country!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57"Now kindly drink your woman and leave!"
0:04:57 > 0:04:58HE MOUTHS
0:04:58 > 0:05:00APPLAUSE
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Applause!
0:05:04 > 0:05:08Applause! That means so much to me because, you know...
0:05:08 > 0:05:11because... No, I am... because I'm a theatre ponce.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14No, I am, deep down. I don't like... I'm very uncomfortable
0:05:14 > 0:05:17with all this, I have to say. Look, you're all here. It's one
0:05:17 > 0:05:20man in this big thing, trying to make 3,600 people laugh.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I'm very uncomfortable with this. No, it is,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26because there's a thin line between being genuinely entertaining
0:05:26 > 0:05:27and mental illness.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It is! I've seen the tapes of my...
0:05:30 > 0:05:33I used to do Godzilla impressions, you know. What was that?
0:05:33 > 0:05:37"Here's my impression of Godzilla having his toe stepped on."
0:05:37 > 0:05:38SHRIEKS
0:05:41 > 0:05:43That's not comedy. That's neurosis!
0:05:44 > 0:05:48"Here's my impression of Godzilla, having asked for Earl Grey tea,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50"but actually getting a coffee."
0:05:50 > 0:05:51SHRIEKS
0:05:52 > 0:05:53SLURPS
0:05:53 > 0:05:55SHRIEKS
0:05:57 > 0:06:00That's not comedy. That's cos my father didn't love me!
0:06:02 > 0:06:06I'll do one more. "Here's Godzilla, having voted Liberal Democrat,
0:06:06 > 0:06:11"but realising how much influence Nick Clegg actually has."
0:06:11 > 0:06:12SHRIEKS
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Thank you so much. I love you smiling.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21I'll get to you in a minute.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25But I like to sing, ladies and gentlemen, you know?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I did... I played Fagin in Oliver.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30And some people know that it's very hard for an Iranian to keep a tune.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32You know, I talked about this before,
0:06:32 > 0:06:34we had a tribute band to S Club 7 in Iran.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37And they could never keep the tune. They'd say, "Come on, guys."
0:06:37 > 0:06:41# Don't stop, never give up, hold Your head high and reach the top
0:06:41 > 0:06:43# The creamiest milk, The lightest bar
0:06:43 > 0:06:45# The goodness that's In milky bar. #
0:06:47 > 0:06:50We get confused mid-song.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52And I'm up there. I'm playing Fagin. I'm going,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54# You've got to pick-a-pocket or two
0:06:54 > 0:07:00# Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooys
0:07:00 > 0:07:02# Ya-di-da-da
0:07:02 > 0:07:03# Ya-di-da-da
0:07:03 > 0:07:07# Ya-di-da-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
0:07:07 > 0:07:09# Ah-ah ah-ah ah-ah-ahhhh
0:07:11 > 0:07:14# Papa, can you hear me?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17# Papa, can you see me?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21# Papa, can you find me in the dark?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23# If I were a rich man
0:07:23 > 0:07:27# Yaba-deeboo-deeboo-deeboo-deeboo- Deedee-deedee-dum
0:07:27 > 0:07:30# All day long I'd biddy-biddy-bum
0:07:30 > 0:07:32# If I were a wealthy man
0:07:32 > 0:07:35# I wouldn't have to work hard
0:07:35 > 0:07:38# Yaba-deeboo-deeboo-deeboo-deeboo- Deedee-deedee-dum
0:07:38 > 0:07:40# All day long I'd biddy-biddy-bum
0:07:40 > 0:07:43# If I were a wealthy man
0:07:43 > 0:07:47# Sibenya
0:07:47 > 0:07:49# Bakabishbakaba. #
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I don't care. I don't care.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I don't give a shit! I've lost my mind.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02But we have some wonderful... I was joking about the celebrities.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06Christopher Biggins is here. I have to say, I'm a big fan of yours.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Christopher Biggins is fantastic. Love this guy!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I really genuinely love him.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I love the fact that you say on your CV that you are "openly gay".
0:08:13 > 0:08:15I love that because I don't know if...
0:08:15 > 0:08:17I've actually never met a closed gay.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Gay friends of mine say you can't say "closed gay",
0:08:20 > 0:08:23but you can say "Tory Cabinet minister".
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Antony Worrall Thompson is here. This man...
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I have a poster of this guy on my wall.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37This guy is absolutely amazing. He's well known for creating
0:08:37 > 0:08:40the most unhealthy pudding of all time.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Five Snickers bars, mascarpone sauce, puff pastry, cream.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48One slice is 1,200 calories!
0:08:50 > 0:08:51The man's a genius.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56I mean, look at him! A ginger bloke, who makes pies out of Snickers,
0:08:56 > 0:08:58and sometimes walks out of a shop without paying.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02This man, I nominate you as King of Scotland!
0:09:04 > 0:09:05I love this guy!
0:09:06 > 0:09:10James Caan is here. A true legend. I love this man.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13From Dragons' Den, ladies and gentlemen. James Caan!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Beautiful man.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18It's amazing how you also did the Youth Dragons' Den.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Remember there was a Youth Dragons' Den?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Which is basically just pissing on young people's dreams.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25"I want to sell lemonade on the street!"
0:09:25 > 0:09:27"Been there, done that. Move on. Who's next?"
0:09:29 > 0:09:31But I will say, ladies and gentlemen,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34this kind of stuff, it's always hard to get laughs
0:09:34 > 0:09:36because people do get offended and I hate to offend.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38It's just a gift I have. It is!
0:09:39 > 0:09:44It is, because I was in Wales and I told... I said, "I love the
0:09:44 > 0:09:47"fact people in Wales, you love your kind of terrorism, don't you?"
0:09:47 > 0:09:50About 100 years ago, they used to put bombs by the sewers,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53by the rivers. And whenever English dignitaries would come,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56no-one would die, they'd just shower them with sewage.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59I said, "It's great to be in the home of sewer-side bombing." OK?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04And people got offended because you come here
0:10:04 > 0:10:05with your suicide bombing jokes.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09I used to do jokes about suicide bombing. I'd say, you know,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11"There are now suicide bomber schools now.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13"I mean, how does that even work?"
0:10:13 > 0:10:14"Where's your bag?"
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"Oh, I left it on the bus."
0:10:18 > 0:10:19"Well done. House point."
0:10:24 > 0:10:26But I will say this, ladies and gentlemen,
0:10:26 > 0:10:30I will say, all this ethnic stuff that people do, it's had its time.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32It's time to move on.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35But the Kenyan President is called Mwai Kibaki.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39And that is funny shit.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Look it up on Wikipedia.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Kenyan President, Mwai Kibaki.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54But the BBC news presenters refuse to call him Wacky Backy
0:10:54 > 0:10:57because it's a euphemism for marijuana.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01They say, "Today, the Kenyan President, Um-Way-Kay Bay-Kay..."
0:11:04 > 0:11:06"..arrived in London with his Foreign Secretary,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08"Mr Huge Spliff...
0:11:10 > 0:11:13"..and his Minister for Interiors, Mr I-Fancy-A-Mars-Bar.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17"And also his wife,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19"Mrs I-Got-De-Munchies, Where-Is-De-Fridge?"
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I love young people, you know.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I was on a long-haul flight once. I was flying a ten-hour flight.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33There was a young person sat next to me. I thought,
0:11:33 > 0:11:37"We haven't had a chat. It's two hours in. I might have a quick chat.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40"Hello, do you want to have a quick chat? Might make the time go by quicker.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43She went, "Sure, what do you want to talk about?"
0:11:43 > 0:11:47I said facetiously, "Why don't we talk about Iran's nuclear weapons programme?"
0:11:47 > 0:11:50And she goes, "All right, then." And she put down her crayon.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56She goes, "Before we do that, can I ask YOU a question?"
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I said, "Sure." "When a horsey does a poo-poo, it comes out in long tubes,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03"and yet when a sheep does a poo-poo, it comes out in little pellets,
0:12:03 > 0:12:07"and yet when a cow does a poo-poo, it comes out in flat, round pats.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08"Why is that?"
0:12:10 > 0:12:14I said, "That's actually a very good question. I've got no idea."
0:12:14 > 0:12:16She goes, "Well, how do you expect me to talk about
0:12:16 > 0:12:19"Iran's nuclear weapons programme when you don't know shit?"
0:12:28 > 0:12:30OK. We're now going to move on, ladies and gentlemen.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Are you all ready? Are you ready for the first act for tonight?
0:12:36 > 0:12:40All the way from Atlanta, Georgia, one of my favourite acts,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43please will you welcome Mr Reginald D Hunter?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Thank you very much. I sure appreciate it.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11All right, all right. Look at you! Look at you!
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Thank you for coming out tonight, and I understand a lot of folks
0:13:14 > 0:13:17here tonight, a lot of them are Olympic people here, man.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20The Olympic people, ya'll made Britain feel good. Good on you. Good.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Cos I know a lot of British people who don't like shit,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31but they love the Olympics. They're like, "I'm really into it.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34"I can't believe it." But you slag off everything! "I know, I know!"
0:13:34 > 0:13:38I told one of my buddies. I said, "You're not even nationalistic.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"It don't even look right on you." And he says,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"I'm not proud to be British, but I'm bloody grateful!"
0:13:45 > 0:13:48By a show of hands, how many people in this room
0:13:48 > 0:13:49feel that John Terry is racist?
0:13:51 > 0:13:52By another show of hands,
0:13:52 > 0:13:55how many people feel that John Terry is NOT racist?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02By another show of hands, how many people feel,
0:14:02 > 0:14:05based on the evidence provided, that it is inconclusive?
0:14:06 > 0:14:10And by a final show of hands, how many people know it doesn't matter
0:14:10 > 0:14:13a damn bit of difference whether or not John terry is racist,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17cos correct me if I'm wrong, he's a goddamn football player, right?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20It doesn't matter whether or not a football player is racist.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23That's like being concerned if there were pickpockets at Auschwitz.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25It just don't matter.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Man, and I don't even care about football.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37I don't care about any of it. I was in America when it broke.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40I had e-mails asking me, "What do you think about John Terry?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43"What do you think about John Terry? What do you make of that?"
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I didn't go looking for John Terry. He came looking for me.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48And just, you know, I didn't care.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51And I looked at the little FA Zapruder film.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55It looks like he probably said something racist to another man
0:14:55 > 0:14:58in a field of players who more than likely shout racial
0:14:58 > 0:15:00and sexual epithets at each other
0:15:00 > 0:15:04to get each other off their game, in a stadium full of racists.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18And I know racists are not very popular at the minute,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20but we still have to give them somewhere to go.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27But, man, I believe that there's nothing in the world,
0:15:27 > 0:15:32no problem, that's not solvable within 15 minutes of honest,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35specific, considerate conversation.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38That's right, because if you accurately identify the problem,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41then you halfway solve it. That's right. In the Bible,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44God told Adam to name the animals
0:15:44 > 0:15:46so that he would have dominion over them.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Or, as my favourite Austrian philosopher,
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Schwarzenegger, says, "If it bleeds, we can kill it."
0:15:55 > 0:15:58But there's lots of people who ain't into problem solving.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01If you go on the internet and they have people, they call them trolls,
0:16:01 > 0:16:06and they go around, and what they do is they misframe the issue,
0:16:06 > 0:16:10so that you can never solve anything. All they do is misframe stuff.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Like, for instance,
0:16:11 > 0:16:15in America, the abortion debate is a misframed issue.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20And just, all right, fundamentalist Conservative Christians,
0:16:20 > 0:16:24they believe that an embryo in a woman's body is sacred,
0:16:24 > 0:16:25and nobody should harm it.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28But they don't believe that the same embryo,
0:16:28 > 0:16:32once it leave a woman's body, should be exempt from execution
0:16:32 > 0:16:36or going off to war and killing other embryos,
0:16:36 > 0:16:37as long as they're foreign.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41So if we are specific
0:16:41 > 0:16:45and stay on topic with this debate, what we're trying to decide between
0:16:45 > 0:16:48us is what age is appropriate to start killing human beings.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53And if we stay on topic, we should solve it in about a week.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03And, like, there's lots of people who try to sound like they're
0:17:03 > 0:17:05solving problems, but they ain't.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08American politicians, they love using this phrase,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"We're going to send them a message.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12"We're going to send the terrorists a message.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15"We're going to send the Palestinians a message.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17"We're going to send Wall Street a message."
0:17:17 > 0:17:21But a message is for somebody you ain't talking to. You don't need a message for somebody
0:17:21 > 0:17:24that you are engaging in dialogue with. And, like, the same
0:17:24 > 0:17:28American Christians, the extremist ones, they have this phrase that they use.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32You can be having a regular, lucid conversation with them, and all of a sudden, you'll hear,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35"It's God's plan." And that means, "I'm done thinking."
0:17:44 > 0:17:46I went to see that movie The Iron Lady,
0:17:46 > 0:17:50and I didn't like it much at first, but I watched it a second
0:17:50 > 0:17:53and a third time, and it started growing on me.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56And don't get me wrong. Margaret Thatcher, I consider her,
0:17:56 > 0:17:57she worked for the other side.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02And, you know, her side basically believed that poverty is a choice.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Or as a result of bad planning or just plain laziness.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09And while that can be A truth, it is not THE truth.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13But by the third time I watched it, I felt myself starting to empathise
0:18:13 > 0:18:16with her and starting to like her a little bit and I didn't want to!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18It's like being horny for a homeless person,
0:18:18 > 0:18:21it don't feel right, it don't feel right!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23So I started reading about her
0:18:23 > 0:18:26and, you know, saw a couple of documentaries,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29and I got know more about her and everything and, you know,
0:18:29 > 0:18:30she was an idealist.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33She was wrong in a lot of her ideas, but she believed in them.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35She wasn't just a jobbing politician
0:18:35 > 0:18:38who would say anything for your vote or your money.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40I'm at a party one night and fell into a conversation
0:18:40 > 0:18:43with a young lady and she is conversationally swift,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46and we're having a good time and we talking about gender politics
0:18:46 > 0:18:48and I just happened to say,
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"Of all the female icons women are encouraged to reach for
0:18:51 > 0:18:54"almost none of them reach for Thatcher."
0:18:54 > 0:18:56"I mean hell, they almost all reach for Madonna
0:18:56 > 0:18:58"before they reach for Thatcher,"
0:18:58 > 0:19:00and she got a little pissy and she said, "Well, absolutely."
0:19:00 > 0:19:02"Madonna broke that glass ceiling
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"that had been oppressing women for decades."
0:19:04 > 0:19:06"Madonna showed women they could be sexy, healthy and vital
0:19:06 > 0:19:09"well into their forties and fifties, she showed women that they could
0:19:09 > 0:19:12"and should be smart business people."
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Some of that's true, but how about this?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Thatcher reached all the way to the top in the most male-dominated
0:19:17 > 0:19:21profession in the world and she didn't shake her ass one time.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25APPLAUSE
0:19:29 > 0:19:31She didn't shake her ass,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34she didn't undo her cleavage before she went into a meeting with the boys
0:19:34 > 0:19:37and she didn't suck a dick to jump the queue, she was true to game.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41So this lady got even more pissy and said, "Sounds like you love her!"
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I said, "M-m-maybe I do!"
0:19:45 > 0:19:47"Sounds like you'd shag her!"
0:19:47 > 0:19:50I said, "I would, but out of respect."
0:19:59 > 0:20:00Well, ladies and gentlemen,
0:20:00 > 0:20:04I believe I have fulfilled my contractual obligation this evening.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Let's try to do it again sometimes. My name is Reginald D Hunter.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Have a good night.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Reginald D Hunter!
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Don't be fooled, he's from Guildford.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Are you ready for the last act, ladies and gentlemen?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36AUDIENCE CHEER
0:20:38 > 0:20:39I love this man!
0:20:39 > 0:20:44Please will you welcome Britain's biggest homosexual,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Mr Julian Clary!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09How exciting!
0:21:11 > 0:21:12Thank you.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Yes, Britain's biggest homosexual, do you get it?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20How we laughed when we thought that one up.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22I'm less keen on it now.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Just get myself comfortable.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28My face is up here, madam, if you don't mind.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34I had a platoon of Ghurkhas marching through here earlier.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41I started my career in the circus, I was the human cannon ball,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43I used to shoot over the ringmaster's back.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I know what you're thinking. You're distracted, aren't you?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55You're thinking, "What the Dickens is he playing at?"
0:21:55 > 0:21:57"Reduced to such a cheap gimmick."
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"We remember Julian as an inspiration to us."
0:22:01 > 0:22:03"There was no-one else like Julian,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06"or as we used to call him, that poof from Channel 4."
0:22:08 > 0:22:13Well, can I explain, I am still your Julian, ladies and gentleman,
0:22:13 > 0:22:19camp comic and renowned homosexual, winner of Celebrity Big Brother.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21APPLAUSE
0:22:21 > 0:22:24These are the very hands that have been down Coleen Nolan's bra!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Erm, no, the fact is I'm looking for love.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32I'm looking for someone to curl up on the sofa with
0:22:32 > 0:22:34and watch Deal Or No Deal.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Someone to share a pork chop with on a Friday night,
0:22:38 > 0:22:41someone to ejaculate over the TV times with.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I'm just like everyone else in that respect.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52OK, I'm going to remove these trousers now.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I think we've had enough, excuse me.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57AUDIENCE WHOOP
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Thank you. Bear with me.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03Honestly, I don't know why I put myself through this.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06These stilts cost hundreds of pounds
0:23:06 > 0:23:08and they only make me 18 inches taller.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12To think, I could have sat on Ronnie Corbett's shoulders for nothing.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18It's an age thing. I'm 53 now.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19It's rather crept up on me.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22A bit like a Catholic priest in a public lavatory.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Here you are, Bertha. Look after these, please.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I don't trust the technical staff in this theatre.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Or as we call them, drug dealers.
0:23:35 > 0:23:41If anyone wants some bath salts to go home with, Dave's your man.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45My knee pads, which I will be wanting after the show.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Christopher Biggins is coming to visit me in my dressing room.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58He's an animal.
0:24:01 > 0:24:06That's better. Well, I am worn out before we even start.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Cos I've not been well since I came out of the Big Brother house,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12I've had it all down here yesterday.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16I've had it all down here today. I can't wait for tomorrow.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21So, Hammersmith.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24If I can't pull down here then I might as well
0:24:24 > 0:24:26get the rug making equipment out.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29I'd better explain.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33I am coming to terms with the end of a long-term relationship.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Some of you may know my ex-boyfriend Rolf,
0:24:36 > 0:24:38some of you may have slept with him.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42He's a lovely man, don't get me wrong,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44always the first one to reach for the wet wipes.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48But I'm straying from the point.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Rolf, you see, what happened, he got a well-paid job
0:24:51 > 0:24:54which meant he was working all the hours.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57So, you know, I would be bed at six o'clock I the morning,
0:24:57 > 0:24:58where he would go off to work,
0:24:58 > 0:25:02I would be back in bed gone midnight when he would return.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04For the last six months of our relationship,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I don't think he ever saw me, standing up.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09I was always in bed,
0:25:09 > 0:25:13it must have been like going out with a Pyjama case.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15And inevitably, I would stray.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19I was left at home unattended all day, and every Wednesday
0:25:19 > 0:25:24I'd go down the car wash, and you know what it's like in those places,
0:25:24 > 0:25:27five or six swarthy asylum seekers
0:25:27 > 0:25:32leaping all over you with their squeegees and their hoses.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35I knew it was wrong, you know, I thought,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37"Well, I shouldn't be doing this."
0:25:37 > 0:25:39"For one thing, I haven't got a car."
0:25:41 > 0:25:45And Rolf knew something was up, he came home every Wednesday and said
0:25:45 > 0:25:49"Why are the tips of your fingers all wrinkled, sport?"
0:25:49 > 0:25:50It was Rolf Harris.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I said, "Well I've been swimming",
0:25:54 > 0:25:56he said "Well, why do you smell of turtle wax?"
0:25:57 > 0:26:00And there was no explanation for that.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03He burst into tears, packed his bags and left.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06And we had to terminate our civil partnership.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Very upsetting, you know everything has to be divided down the middle.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I don't know if you've ever tried listening to an Olly Murs CD
0:26:13 > 0:26:15once it's been cut in half.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18It's a great improvement.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27So, there are, I hear, some rather charming people here this evening
0:26:27 > 0:26:31and, excuse me, someone's caught my eye.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35I'm going to nip down here, please don't touch me or breathe on me.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41I am already spoken for, and it's the Olympians I'm looking for.
0:26:41 > 0:26:42What's your name?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Geraint.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Geraint. Would you like to come with me, Geraint?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49A round of applause, please, for this Olympian here.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Nothing to worry about, Geraint.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57You're a kind of cyclist person, are you, Geraint?
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Yeah.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01You are a cyclist, that's very exciting.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04I was at the Olympics myself,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06performing in the synchronized rimming event.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13So, did you get any golds?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Yeah, I got a second gold medal, yeah.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Gold medal.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19APPLAUSE
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Perhaps you'll get a bronze this evening.
0:27:27 > 0:27:32Well, Hammersmith has talent after all. Is your hair naturally curly?
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Yeah.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Yes? Nature can be cruel.
0:27:37 > 0:27:43We don't have long, we only have half an hour before my Viagra kicks in.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47So I have struck lucky, ladies and gentleman,
0:27:47 > 0:27:50I have found the man who is going to slip his finger into my ring.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52Thank you very much and good night.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Ladies and gentleman, Mr Julian Clary!
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11You've been a wonderful audience, so that's it.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Let's give a round of applause for all the acts you've seen tonight,
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Mr Julian Clary!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20And Reginald D Hunter!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26I've been Omid Djalili. Thank you very much. Goodnight!
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Subtitles by Red Bee Media