0:00:18 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Greg Davies!
0:00:24 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Hello!
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Hello!
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Live At The Apollo!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING
0:00:47 > 0:00:49What a treat, what a treat to be here.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Let me, er, let me tell you where I'm at tonight,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54before we get going properly.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Er, about 20 minutes ago, the top elastic of my underpants
0:00:58 > 0:00:59totally snapped.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04This is genuinely true. I haven't bought replacements,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06so make-up have had to tuck them into my belt.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Realistically, I can already feel that they're working their way down.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15So about halfway through tonight's show, I'm going to
0:01:15 > 0:01:18have some sort of horrific testicular cumberbund,
0:01:18 > 0:01:20I would imagine, just floating about.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22You won't see that cos I'm wearing jeans
0:01:22 > 0:01:25but I'll keep you up-to-date with its progress.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Let me tell you the worst thing about being
0:01:29 > 0:01:32a fat, middle-aged comedian - cos I am,
0:01:32 > 0:01:34let's not, let's not mess around.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I'm... Look at, look at what I've done to myself.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I mean, I look pregnant, it's ridiculous,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44and you know the worst thing about that?
0:01:44 > 0:01:48It's that comedy attracts young, beautiful people.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51So you come out and you see really attractive, beautiful people,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54and you feel like a fraud when you look like this,
0:01:54 > 0:01:58which is why I was so relieved when I came out tonight,
0:02:01 > 0:02:05and saw such a sea of ruined, middle-aged losers.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Who's over 40 here?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14FEW AFFIRMATIVE SHOUTS
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Listen to the misery in those cheers.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Who's under 25?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21LOUD AFFIRMATIVE SHOUTS
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Yes! Yes, all right, well, shut up!
0:02:24 > 0:02:28There's not many of us, we'll take you down with sheer bitterness.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32You don't know what's coming, you people.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34You don't know what's...
0:02:34 > 0:02:37You know what happened to me backstage?
0:02:37 > 0:02:41This isn't my original outfit. I was wearing a tight black t-shirt
0:02:41 > 0:02:43and the producer asked me to change,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48because he said I looked like a bin bag full of coleslaw.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50That's a quote.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54It's true!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57My body is... It's disgusting!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I looked at myself naked in the mirror, about two hours ago,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03before I came here, I stood in front of the...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05And don't 'woo' that for God's sake.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I looked at myself naked in a mirror
0:03:07 > 0:03:10and I thought, genuinely, I thought to myself,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14"You know what that looks like? My body looks like it's been carved
0:03:14 > 0:03:18"by a four-year-old child out of a budget block of ham."
0:03:20 > 0:03:25Just a rough approximation of a male, all pink and mottled.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27It's disgusting.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33It's so depressing and yet, I say all those things...
0:03:34 > 0:03:36I'm an amazing lover.
0:03:38 > 0:03:39I am!
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I don't mean... Let me qualify that.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48What I mean is I've been having sex a lot longer than most of you,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51and through all those sexual exploits of mine,
0:03:51 > 0:03:55I picked up the odd thing every now and again that actually worked,
0:03:55 > 0:03:59in all the masses of failures, and I've banked them up here, right?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02So, slowly, over a period of many years,
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I've compiled this sort of greatest hits of sexual moves.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I've got them all there and I could use them on any of you,
0:04:09 > 0:04:11and I'm sure you'd go crazy.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Here's the irony. Ready?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I'm 44 years of age now,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20and now I've got that list, I can't be bothered.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26It's a crime!
0:04:26 > 0:04:31There's only one way all of this amazing sexual knowledge will ever be used,
0:04:31 > 0:04:35and that's if one of you young attractive couples I can see here,
0:04:35 > 0:04:39if you invite me round to your house,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42and I talk you both through it,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47like some awful, sexual puppeteer.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55What I love about the male brain is hope springs eternal.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58I thought this the other day. I was walking down the street.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03Even though I know my limitations, and I know what this looks like,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I'll see a beautiful 20-something girl walk past me
0:05:06 > 0:05:09and there'll be part of my brain that goes,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12"Maybe she likes ham."
0:05:16 > 0:05:18And I saw the most amazing example of this.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21I went to see my granddad, who's in a home, bless him.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24He's in his 90s, he'd tell you himself -
0:05:24 > 0:05:26he's finished, he's knackered, right.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28He's exhausted, he can't walk,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30he has a little blanket over his knees
0:05:30 > 0:05:32and I went to see him, he was sitting there,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35and I said, "Are you all right, Granddad?"
0:05:35 > 0:05:37He goes, "I'm finished. I hate it, I'm so unhappy,"
0:05:37 > 0:05:39and I said, "Oh, I'm so sorry."
0:05:39 > 0:05:41He goes, "Yeah, never mind, love."
0:05:41 > 0:05:45A nurse walked in, she must have been 25 years of age, right.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47This is what he did. I promise you he did this,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50"Well, hello there."
0:05:55 > 0:05:59As if there was any part of that girl's brain that was thinking,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01"Do you know what I fancy today?
0:06:01 > 0:06:05"I fancy banging a man who gets out of breath eating soup."
0:06:13 > 0:06:17It's awful. It's awful, just being washed up,
0:06:17 > 0:06:22and there's Olympians in tonight, I know that. There's proper Olympians.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23Proper fit athletes.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25WOLF WHISTLES AND CHEERS
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Two of my favourite Olympians in tonight -
0:06:29 > 0:06:31er, Harriet Mills,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34and Luke Patience, my favourite sailors. Where are you, guys?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Let's give them a round of applause, proper athletes.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48And I loved the Olympics, I loved it because I've no interest in sport.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Really? Really, right.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52But I loved it. I thought it was such a positive and amazing thing,
0:06:52 > 0:06:56and I got hooked, I got hooked on sports that I didn't know existed.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I spent a whole afternoon watching synchronised diving,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I didn't know that existed.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I spent a whole day watching dressage!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Have you seen dressage?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Guys, it's dancing horses!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Who'd have thought?!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15They dance to music, they do this!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20I didn't even think that was allowed.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Someone told me you can lead a horse to water,
0:07:23 > 0:07:24but you can't make it drink, yeah?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Well, apparently, stick Sister Sledge on - they go mental.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32What are we going to have in Rio in four years?
0:07:32 > 0:07:36I've been training my guinea pig, getting him to do the splits.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37He hates it.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I said, "Come on, Pierre, no pain, no gain!"
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I met the most amazing man the other day.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47He is a man that's confirmed to me that no matter how
0:07:47 > 0:07:51strange we all get in life, there's always someone a bit stranger.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53He was a taxi driver, I flagged him down,
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I was in a perfectly good mood at the time
0:07:56 > 0:07:58and he turned out to be a proper...
0:07:58 > 0:08:02"You what, you toilet? Yeah? You muppet! You love it, wallop!"
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Right? Proper cockney.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I was in a perfectly good mood. I flagged him down,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09he wound his window down and he said something to me.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Now, you tell me if this would have annoyed you,
0:08:12 > 0:08:13cos I was perfectly happy.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17He said, "All right, Big Bird, where to, Sesame Street?"
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I was furious!
0:08:28 > 0:08:32I sat in the back of his cab, seething, grinding my teeth,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34and he turned out to be the strangest man I'd ever met.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Who have you ever met that does this?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39He listed the contents of shops on our route
0:08:39 > 0:08:42that no longer existed, right.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46He went, "Oh, that's a shame, that one used to be the old steak house.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49"It was lovely. You could get your fillets, your T-bones,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52"your burgers, perhaps a lovely beer."
0:08:52 > 0:08:54And I went, "Oh, that is a shame." He goes, "Yeah.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56"There's old Terry's hardware shop there.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00"Used to be able to get your nuts, your bolts, your hammers, your ladders,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"your hi-vis jackets. Now that's all gone,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05"There's the barbers. Haircuts."
0:09:05 > 0:09:08And I thought, "Well, insane. This man's insane,"
0:09:08 > 0:09:11and I was still fuming over the big bird comment,
0:09:11 > 0:09:15and I was waiting for a chance to get him back.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18I got my chance when we went past a shop that still existed
0:09:18 > 0:09:21in the East End of London. It was a pie and mash shop.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23He went, "Oh, there's the old pie and mash shop there."
0:09:23 > 0:09:25And I went, "Right."
0:09:25 > 0:09:28He goes, "Yeah, I love it in there, delicious pies.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32"I went in there the other day and I tried to get the recipe for their pies."
0:09:32 > 0:09:33I said, "Oh, really?"
0:09:33 > 0:09:36He said, "Yeah, because as well as being a taxi driver,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"I'm also a successful restaurateur."
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Which, of course, ladies and gentlemen, was a lie.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44And I went, "Did you get the recipe?"
0:09:44 > 0:09:47He goes, "Nah, didn't get it, no, they wouldn't give it to me.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49"They said it was a family secret."
0:09:49 > 0:09:50I said, "That's a shame.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54He goes, "It is a shame because they're delicious, their pies,"
0:09:54 > 0:09:57and he said the strangest thing I've ever heard.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Try and get your heads round this.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02He went, "Yeah, it is a pity because
0:10:02 > 0:10:05"it's not just pie they put in those, you know."
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I went, "I'm sorry, mate?"
0:10:13 > 0:10:15He goes, "It's not just pie they put in those."
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I went, "What, in pies?"
0:10:17 > 0:10:21He goes, "Yeah." I said, "Pie's not an ingredient, mate.
0:10:21 > 0:10:22He went, "What?!"
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I said, "Pie's made up of constituent parts brought together.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27"It's not an ingredient."
0:10:27 > 0:10:29He goes, "What are you talking about? A pie's a pie."
0:10:29 > 0:10:33I said, "Is it? Cos Jamie Oliver's shows are going to be a bit shit from now on, aren't they?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36He goes, "How do you mean?" I said, "I'll show you."
0:10:36 > 0:10:40"Hello, everyone, I'm Jamie Oliver. Today, I'll be making a lasagne.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41"I'll just get the ingredients...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43"A lasagne!"
0:10:50 > 0:10:53He goes, "Oh, yeah. Very clever, son,
0:10:53 > 0:10:54"but a lasagne is not a pie."
0:10:56 > 0:10:58I said, "It may as well be, using your system"
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"What are you going to do if you get a flat tyre on your taxi?"
0:11:01 > 0:11:02He goes, "I'll change the tyre."
0:11:02 > 0:11:05I said, "You can't, because tyre is part of taxi,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07"so you must throw taxi away."
0:11:09 > 0:11:11He goes, "I dunno what you're talking about"
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I said, "Do you honestly not?" All right, I'll help you."
0:11:14 > 0:11:16He goes, "Well, I'd like you to explain it to me."
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I said, "All right, we'll do a role play."
0:11:18 > 0:11:20He went, "OK, let's do a role play."
0:11:20 > 0:11:21This happened, right.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I went, "Right, I'm a cake shop owner." He goes, "OK."
0:11:24 > 0:11:26I went, "Right, you come in to buy a cake."
0:11:26 > 0:11:28He said, "I'll have a cake, please."
0:11:28 > 0:11:31I said, "Hang on a minute, you've got a fatal nut allergy."
0:11:31 > 0:11:34He went, "Fine." I went, "Right, let's go."
0:11:34 > 0:11:35This happened.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38He was in the front of the cab, I went, "Good morning, sir."
0:11:38 > 0:11:39He went, "Good morning."
0:11:41 > 0:11:44I said, "Can I help you?" He goes, "I'd like a cake, please."
0:11:44 > 0:11:46I said, "Certainly, sir. Which cake would you like?"
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Here, he went up a bit in my estimation a bit as he went,
0:11:49 > 0:11:51"I'll have that one there."
0:11:51 > 0:11:52Amazing, right?
0:11:55 > 0:11:56He did!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59And that's where I pulled out my ace card.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02I went, "Ah, excellent choice! The nut surprise.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05He went, "Hold up a minute, I'm not allowed to have nuts."
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I said, "Oh, dear, have you got an allergy?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10"I'd better check the ingredients for you, hadn't I?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12"No, you're absolutely fine, sir.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15"The only thing in this cake IS CAKE!"
0:12:24 > 0:12:27He said, "I can see nuts on it there, right."
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I said, "No, I baked this and the only ingredient I used was cake,
0:12:30 > 0:12:34"so put it in your big fat face and swell up like a balloon and die."
0:12:34 > 0:12:37He went, "Oh, yeah, very good, but at the end of the day,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39"a lasagne is not a pie, a cake is not a pie,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41"a taxi is not a pie."
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I said, "There's no such thing as pie!
0:12:44 > 0:12:48"A pie is made up of meat, of gravy, of pastry and one other thing.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50He said, "What's the other thing?"
0:12:50 > 0:12:54I said, "I'm not telling you, it's a family secret!"
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Don't mess with me, taxi drivers!
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted and proud
0:13:12 > 0:13:15to be presenting this wonderful show tonight.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Two amazing comics I know you're going to absolutely love.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Here's the way I'll do it, someone starts the clapping politely,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I'll turn up an invisible volume switch,
0:13:23 > 0:13:24you go crazy, I'll bring him on.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26His name is Mr Hal Cruttenden,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28you'll have a brilliant time in his company.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Ladies and gentlemen, start the applause for me...
0:13:30 > 0:13:32APPLAUSE
0:13:32 > 0:13:34..turn the volume up.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Turn it up one more.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37One more!
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Ladies and gentlemen, the superb Mr Hal Cruttenden!
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Thank you very much.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59Can I say, I'm genuinely...
0:13:59 > 0:14:04I'm really excited to just be out on the town. I am.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06No, I'm excited to be inside, obviously.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I find the streets quite, quite stressful. Erm...
0:14:09 > 0:14:10LAUGHTER
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Don't you find that people do that in London?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15People walk the street, they're very defensive.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Everyone's got that kind of...don't mess with me look, you know?
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Even old people are like...
0:14:22 > 0:14:25"I'm 83, but I'm a bloody ninja. Just try it!"
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Sometimes, people are frightened of me.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32This is absolutely true. I've been walking home late at night,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35there's a woman, by herself in front of me,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37she does that little half-turn,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40and I can tell she thinks I'm following her.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I speed up to try and overtake.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49She speeds up.
0:14:50 > 0:14:55I can't slow down cos I'm a little bit worried about the guy 20 yards behind me.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00There's probably ten of us in a line going, "Oh, bloody hell!"
0:15:08 > 0:15:11I got offered drugs on the street the other day. I did.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16I'm at an age now when I get offered drugs, I'm just really flattered.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I'm just walking down the street, a guy goes,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22"Do you want Charlie, sensi skunk?"
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I said, "No, I don't, but thank you VERY much for asking."
0:15:27 > 0:15:30I actually said to this guy, "I think I'm a bit old for that,"
0:15:30 > 0:15:32and he said, "You're not too old, man."
0:15:33 > 0:15:35How lovely is that?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42People say drug dealers are scum,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45but some of them are bloody nice blokes actually.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I am, I'm feeling old,
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I had a horrible old man thought the other day.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I was talking to a girl in her early 20s,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I wasn't going to do anything because I am married.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06I'm married to a woman. I know what you were thinking. Shut up.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Honestly, it's just a stage persona.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11You know, offstage, I'm sort of dark, dangerous, little bit sexy.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12On stage...
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Sorry, I was saying... I was talking to this girl,
0:16:20 > 0:16:23I was talking to this girl in her early 20s,
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I had a horrible old man thought, really horrible.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I'm chatting away and it just popped in there.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31I thought to myself, "If I was 20 years younger."
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I was thinking, "Who the hell am I kidding?
0:16:34 > 0:16:38"I was never good with women. What am I talking about?!"
0:16:38 > 0:16:41That thought should be, "If I was 20 years younger,
0:16:41 > 0:16:45"I'd get really obsessed with you, I really would."
0:16:48 > 0:16:50"And do absolutely nothing about it."
0:16:53 > 0:16:57I was rubbish. I looked great then as well, I looked great, I was young.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00You young people just enjoy this time. Who is young here?
0:17:00 > 0:17:03You two? There's a woman going, "I am here," next to...
0:17:03 > 0:17:04Yeah, just enjoy this time, OK.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Do you think you look good for your age, you look good at the moment?
0:17:08 > 0:17:09You're really not sure?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12This is the best you're ever going to look, honestly.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Enjoy this time.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I remember at school, a PE teacher made a little speech to our class.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19He said, "Do you know what, boys?"
0:17:19 > 0:17:23We were 17. He said, "Do you know what, boys? Enjoy this time.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25"This is the best your bodies are ever going to be.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27"Get as fit as you can,
0:17:27 > 0:17:30"you can do stuff now you will never be able to do again."
0:17:30 > 0:17:32And I remember thinking at the time,
0:17:32 > 0:17:35"I don't think he should be in the shower with us,"
0:17:35 > 0:17:37but it was a bloody good speech.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46But I looked great then,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49and now I'm constantly trying to watch the weight.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I've been two stone heavier than this, been lighter than this,
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I've got a problem with eating. I'm addicted to eating.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00It's worse than being a heroin addict cos at least they look good in skinny jeans, but you know...
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I-I-I'm possessed when I eat, honestly.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I eat very fast and I cannot be interrupted,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09and I love Nando's, it's the worst place to eat like that.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11CHEERING
0:18:11 > 0:18:13But they always interrupt you, all through the meal,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15"Is everything OK with your meal?"
0:18:15 > 0:18:17HE MAKES SCOFFING NOISES
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Leave me alone!
0:18:25 > 0:18:30I consume food, I use food, I don't savour it or enjoy it,
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I'd be rubbish on MasterChef.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35On MasterChef, you've always got someone going,
0:18:35 > 0:18:38"Mm, that's slightly overcooked but, mm, that's a beautiful fusion
0:18:38 > 0:18:40"of different flavours, yeah. Mm.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44"I can really taste the coconut coming through now.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45"Hal, what do you think?"
0:18:45 > 0:18:47SCOFFING NOISES
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I JUST FEEL HAPPIER!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10We are falling apart socially, aren't we?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12We have got riots, we've got strikes,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15we've got civil disobedience, we've got people protesting.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18We're in terrible trouble, economically, Europe is screwed.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Only Germany's OK, aren't they?
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Everyone's looking to Germany to show strong leadership over the euro
0:19:24 > 0:19:28and Germany is a little bit like Dr David Banner from the Hulk TV series,
0:19:28 > 0:19:31saying, "Don't ask us to show strong leadership.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38"You won't like us when we show strong leadership."
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Germany's at the top, of course. Greece is at the bottom.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Greece is the worst. Any Greeks here?
0:19:51 > 0:19:52FEW SHOUTS
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Yeah? Buy them a drink, people, cos they're quite short.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59They never tell us on the news what we really want to know about Greece.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02What we really want to know about Greece is,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05does this economic disaster mean it is more or less expensive
0:20:05 > 0:20:08to go on holiday to Greece? That's all we want to know, isn't it?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14That's all we want. What is the cost of two weeks' half-board in Corfu?
0:20:14 > 0:20:16The British people deserve an answer!
0:20:21 > 0:20:24You've been a delight, enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you very much.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27I'm Hal Cruttenden. Thank you, thank you very much.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Mr Hal Cruttenden!
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Funny man.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Believe me, you are going to continue to have a nice time
0:20:43 > 0:20:46when I bring the next act on. He's one of my favourite acts.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49We'll do the same thing - you clap, I'll turn the volume up.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51His name's Simon Evans, he is awesome.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Are you ready for your final act of tonight's show?- Yeah!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Start the clapping.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59Up in the balconies, let's turn the volume up.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Let's turn it up.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Turn it up again.
0:21:04 > 0:21:05One more!
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Ladies and gentleman, Mr Simon Evans!
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Thank you.
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Thank you very much.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Well, that was all a bit unnecessary, wasn't it?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Very nice to be back in London.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31I lived in London for most of my adult life.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Moved down about four years ago, we moved out of London to Hove.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Brighton and Hove is two ends of the same place.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38There is a rivalry.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Brighton regards Hove as being rather posh and middle-class,
0:21:41 > 0:21:44because in Hove women often pause to put their kebab down
0:21:44 > 0:21:47before squatting down to urinate in the gutter.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51On a Friday night.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55And that sort of behaviour is considered a bit lah-di-dah in Brighton.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59"Stick it in your cleavage like the rest of us, darling."
0:22:01 > 0:22:03The women in Brighton, actually, to be fair,
0:22:03 > 0:22:04it is the hen parties who visit,
0:22:04 > 0:22:07recreational hen parties come down at the weekend.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I know I'm going to sound middle-aged and out of touch,
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I'm not saying they dress like prostitutes,
0:22:12 > 0:22:17but, seriously, I think if you were a prostitute, working in Brighton
0:22:17 > 0:22:21on a Saturday night, you probably need to wear a badge or something.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27"Actual prostitute", something of that sort.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31It would be very hard to distinguish yourself through dress alone,
0:22:31 > 0:22:32I would say that.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37People are just going to take pot luck and probably save a few quid.
0:22:41 > 0:22:42I have two children.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45A boy and a girl, one of each.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48That is, as I'm sure you're familiar with, the format.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53And people think you're very lucky to have one of each, of course,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56and people have third, fourth, fifth abomina... er, children, erm,
0:22:56 > 0:23:00attempting to complete the set. Please don't get hung up on that.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03My experience is it really doesn't matter what the sex of the child is.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Every child is a burden and a curse. It really makes no difference.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Young Edward - he's just turned three.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14By which I mean, he's reached the age of three,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16rather than converted his first lesbians.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19And he is... He'll do anything for a sticker, that boy,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21but that's beyond him for a while yet.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Looking forward, in fact, to his third Christmas now.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Technically his fourth, but the first one he was naughty,
0:23:31 > 0:23:32so that was that. But, um...
0:23:32 > 0:23:34LAUGHTER
0:23:34 > 0:23:36But he is a bit of a handful. Small boys are.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39There are times I wish he had been a handful about four years ago.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42That would have saved me a few quid, but it's done now.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I'm kidding, of course, I love him dearly, he's like a dog to me,
0:23:46 > 0:23:47but you have to understand.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51We go to such lengths to conceal reality for them
0:23:51 > 0:23:54and to make them live in this fluffy, pink cloud all the time.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56We take them at the weekend now to farms,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59because we live in Hove and farms are available.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02These aren't real farms. They may have been farms once upon a time.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05They're all called things like Sunnyside Farm, Blackberry farm.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08They consist of two llamas, a lamb, a tractor ride at five quid a go,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11and some vast gift shop full of artisan marmalade
0:24:11 > 0:24:15and hand-wanked cider you're supposed to get excited about.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19My kids must be utterly baffled as to how this kind of enterprise
0:24:19 > 0:24:22can supply the food demands of East Sussex.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23I certainly am,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25and I would like to take them to an actual farm one day,
0:24:25 > 0:24:29something that supplies the stuff in their packed lunches on a regular basis.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34Some vast, fluorescent-lit shed in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by barbed wire and Alsatians,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37and full of hobbling abominations of turkey flesh
0:24:37 > 0:24:42that are unable to support their hormone-inflated bodies on the hideous stumps of their legs,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45as they try desperately to get away from the stench of their own effluent
0:24:45 > 0:24:49and peck blindly at each other with their stumps of their beaks.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51That would be an educational day out for the kids.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59My God, it is hard work bringing up kids,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01and you have so many fears and anxieties.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04My latest one is the considerable tide of opinion that seems to suggest
0:25:04 > 0:25:08all children here will be utterly morbidly obese in the next ten years.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11The statistics on this are terrifying and I want to talk about it,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14but it is very difficult to approach through comedy
0:25:14 > 0:25:16as it's a sensitive subject. Adult obesity, too.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I certainly won't address the women on this subject
0:25:19 > 0:25:22as I understand, for women, body shape and weight gain -
0:25:22 > 0:25:24it's a far more complex matter.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28It's to do with slow metabolism and bones and so on. I understand that.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33But, gentlemen, I think we need to take responsibility.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36We were all given a bit of a fillip and encouragement by the Olympics.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Let's try and keep this mentality going.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41The government have made it terrifically complicated now.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44They've come up with something called the Body Mass Index.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47You need a calculator to work out if you're fat or not.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49This is an old-fashioned British approach,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51which has stood me in good stead - five alarm bells.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56The first one rings if you look down and realise you can no longer see your belt buckle.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59If you take action at that point, you'll thank yourself later.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01It's very easy to correct the fault.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Second alarm bell rings if you look down and realise you can no longer see what,
0:26:05 > 0:26:09for the purposes of this section, I shall refer to as your...cock.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13That is a little more serious and if you can no longer see your feet,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16you're in real trouble. And those of you thinking,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18"Well, if I can't see my cock, I won't be able to see my feet,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20"ha-ha-ha,"
0:26:20 > 0:26:24you're exactly the sort of self-deluded fools who are most at risk.
0:26:26 > 0:26:32The fourth alarm bell rings when you can no longer see your cock in a mirror.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Oh, yes, they're out there.
0:26:41 > 0:26:46And the fifth and final bell rings when you can no longer see it with two mirrors and an erection.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51Now, at that point, you're no doubt too busy pleasuring yourself with the folds of your own flesh
0:26:51 > 0:26:54to worry what the rest of us think, and it's none of my business.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Listen, I'm not the police, I don't care what you get up to.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Nature has its compensations.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01All I am saying, is it wise as a society
0:27:01 > 0:27:05that we choose to reward this excessive level of corpulence with subsidised transport?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08And I'm not talking about the odd bus pass.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12I'm talking about these three-wheeled electrical 'obesycles', I call them.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14I don't know if that is the correct term.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15You've seen them.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Mobility scooters - they were designed for the elderly and infirm
0:27:19 > 0:27:21but they have been hijacked recently.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Not literally, I hope.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26My God, that would be a long-winded and tedious crime
0:27:26 > 0:27:27to watch unfold if it is going on.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Somehow, they've got hold of them.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32They look ridiculous.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34The first one I saw - he was so vast,
0:27:34 > 0:27:36he appeared to be hovering up the street.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38He concealed the vehicle entirely.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41He looked like Jabba the Hutt on a magic carpet.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43I thought, "No wonder you've put on a few pounds.
0:27:43 > 0:27:48"You've mastered the art of levitation - you won't burn off many calories that way."
0:27:48 > 0:27:51It's only when I saw a wire basket glinting between his thighs
0:27:51 > 0:27:53and his right trouser leg started flashing orange
0:27:53 > 0:27:56as he turned into Greggs, I realised what was going on.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05Anyway, folks, it's been an absolute pleasure speaking to you this evening.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07I do hope you've enjoyed the evening.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09I've been Simon Evans. Thank you very much, good night.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:17Simon Evans!
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26You've been a wonderful audience.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28- Have you had nice time?- Yeah! - It's been a real pleasure.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Do me a favour - thank the two wonderful acts
0:28:31 > 0:28:33who entertained you on tonight's brilliant show.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35First, you saw Mr Hal Cruttenden.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Then you saw the lovely Mr Simon Evans!
0:28:39 > 0:28:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:41 > 0:28:43This has been Live At The Apollo,
0:28:43 > 0:28:45My name's Greg Davies. I'll see you again, good night!
0:29:10 > 0:29:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd