0:00:18 > 0:00:25Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Jack Dee!
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Thank you.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Thank you so much and welcome.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48It's really great to be back at Live At The Apollo.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Yeah.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I don't know what happened. All those years have gone by.
0:00:55 > 0:00:572004, we started this whole thing,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01and, in all that time, we've done nine... This is the ninth series.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Can you believe?
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And it's gone global, and it's introduced many
0:01:06 > 0:01:10huge stars who've become household names since then...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12And...
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Personally I can't tell you how much I regret that.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Yeah, seeing people just overtake you and...
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Next time I have an idea, I'm just going to take a gun
0:01:24 > 0:01:28and shoot myself through the foot. It'll be less painful, frankly.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31So, I hosted the first two series, you may remember...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34APPLAUSE
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Thank you, thank you. I moved on...
0:01:36 > 0:01:41I moved on to work on other projects.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45I say moved on to work on other projects,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47cos "sacked" is such an ugly word.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51But this is great.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I've been on the road for nearly all year, actually,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56this year, and people always want to know,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59"What's it like when you're touring?"
0:01:59 > 0:02:01And, you know, the reality is...
0:02:01 > 0:02:05you spend a lot of time in the car, listening to your old CDs,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07and a lot of time in hotel rooms watching movies
0:02:07 > 0:02:10late into the night, drinking beer from the mini bar...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Live off fast food... I get to see my kids every...
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Every couple of weeks, I speak to my wife most days on my phone...
0:02:18 > 0:02:20It's perfect.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Oh, yeah, I've cracked it. I have cracked it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Let me tell you, relationships - so much easier from a distance.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Yeah, hmm. "Miss you too." Send!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Why didn't I think of this years ago?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44"Ohhh, the boiler's packed up, there's no hot water!"
0:02:44 > 0:02:45"Hot water in hotel fine."
0:02:47 > 0:02:50So, can I just say hello to Nicholas Parsons,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53who's in the audience? We're very honoured to have you here, sir.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Thank you very much, sir. Very lovely to have you here.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Nicholas, I hope won't mind me saying, is in his 90th year.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08He won't mind me saying that cos he won't hear it!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14We're honoured to have someone from showbiz of his age who isn't on bail.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16It's fantastic, really.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18It is, well done, yeah.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25And the wonderful Fiona Bruce.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Hello, Fiona. Lovely to see you. Very nice.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Fiona from Antiques Roadshow. She's going to...
0:03:31 > 0:03:32- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Fiona!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Yeah, you like Fiona? We all love Fiona.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- FIONA! - Yeah, all right, that's enough.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38It's my gig. Shut your face!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Fiona is here to give us a valuation on Nicholas Parsons.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47We're going to flog him off later.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53Anyway, yeah, so, just so you know, I took some paracetamol earlier,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55before I came on...
0:03:55 > 0:03:57There's nothing wrong with me...
0:03:58 > 0:04:02At least not yet. I took 37 of them, so we'll see what happens.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I buy my parecetamols in King Street, just up...
0:04:06 > 0:04:09How many of you are from round here? You know the area?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11AUDIENCE CHEER
0:04:11 > 0:04:14On King Street, there's a chemist. I went in there,
0:04:14 > 0:04:18and got the paracetamol, there's a big line of people queuing up,
0:04:18 > 0:04:22and there's this one guy rearranging all the toothbrushes on the shelf,
0:04:22 > 0:04:26so I said, "Do you mind if I just give you the money for these and go?"
0:04:26 > 0:04:28And do you know what he said to me?
0:04:28 > 0:04:30He just turned round like this and said,
0:04:30 > 0:04:31"Do I look like I work here?"
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I said, "Well, yes,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40"you're rearranging all the toothbrushes on the shelf."
0:04:40 > 0:04:43He said, "I have OCD. Do you have a problem with that?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45"I'm here for my prescription." I mean, really angry...
0:04:45 > 0:04:48It was embarrassing, people around, I didn't know what to do,
0:04:48 > 0:04:49I didn't know what to say.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I said, "Shouldn't you be getting home?" He said, "No, why?"
0:04:52 > 0:04:54"Well, didn't you leave the gas on?"
0:04:54 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Actually, you know what?
0:05:04 > 0:05:07What I wanted to talk to you all about tonight is
0:05:07 > 0:05:11I had a very difficult week last week, and, erm...
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I just want to talk it through with you a bit
0:05:13 > 0:05:17about some of the stuff that happened to me, if that's OK.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Very traumatic week,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23when events conspire to, you know, depress you.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26You're not the happy-go-lucky guy you normally are, right?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:31On Monday, um,
0:05:31 > 0:05:33on Monday I went out to my garage.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37I have a garage next to my house, can I first of all say that to you?
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I think I can say that here in Hammersmith
0:05:40 > 0:05:43without being accused of bragging, hopefully.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46It's a regular garage, don't get me wrong.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I'm not one of these showbiz types who have a special kind of big
0:05:48 > 0:05:52selection of cars and an exact replica of an Esso garage
0:05:52 > 0:05:54with a working pump and flowers for sale
0:05:54 > 0:05:57and Starburst on special offer, you know.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59A big fantasy thing, you know,
0:05:59 > 0:06:01and a demoralised Asian behind the till.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03It's just, you know, a regular...
0:06:03 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:05..a regular garage, right?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08And I turned the light on - tick -
0:06:08 > 0:06:12and the bulb blew. Boof! Just blew, like that.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15And I thought, that... That's incredible, that is.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17I must have turned that light off
0:06:17 > 0:06:18just in time last time.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:24APPLAUSE
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I must have turned that light off with, I don't know,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30a fortieth of a second left in its life!
0:06:30 > 0:06:34It's a bit like having a superpower. It's like being psychic.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Anyway, so I think, "OK, I know what needs doing here,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39"I'm going to change the bulb."
0:06:39 > 0:06:41That's what you need to do in these situations.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43So I get a stepladder, I climb up,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45change the bulb, come back down again.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48Still not working.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Well, I don't know about you, but that's as far as I go...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER
0:06:54 > 0:06:56..with electricity. I don't...
0:06:56 > 0:06:58I don't dabble, you know.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00So I go back indoors and call an electrician
0:07:00 > 0:07:02and explain what's happened.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05And he turns up in the afternoon, turns up,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08and, er, knocks on the front door,
0:07:08 > 0:07:12and... Bear in mind that I have explained to him
0:07:12 > 0:07:16exactly what has happened and why I've called him out.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20We walk round to the garage, go into the garage,
0:07:20 > 0:07:22what's the first thing he does?
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Tries the switch, right?
0:07:26 > 0:07:28What kind of congenital idiot...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:31..does this guy think that I am,
0:07:31 > 0:07:33that I don't know how my house works?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Or maybe he thought, you know, maybe he thought
0:07:35 > 0:07:38I went out to the garage, was about to turn on the light, and thought,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40"No, I know what would be an awful lot more fun.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45"Get a professional electrician in to turn it on for me!"
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Then he said, "I'll just try
0:07:47 > 0:07:50"changing the bulb for you, in case it's that."
0:07:50 > 0:07:52I said, "I have already told you that...
0:07:52 > 0:07:55"You're not listening to a word I say, but go ahead."
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Gets up, changes the bulb, back down again.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Nothing.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04He goes, "Oh, that's funny."
0:08:05 > 0:08:08I said, "Yeah, I'll be the judge of that, my friend.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:12He said, er,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16"Have to change the switch. Needs a new switch.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18"But I haven't got one on the van."
0:08:18 > 0:08:21I said, "I know, I know you haven't."
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I just guessed when you arrived, I thought,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28when you pulled up in that Transit, I thought,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30"That guy has not got whatever he's going to need."
0:08:30 > 0:08:32LAUGHTER
0:08:32 > 0:08:34"He barely has enough space on that van
0:08:34 > 0:08:37"for all the Jaffa Cakes to get him through the day."
0:08:37 > 0:08:40He says, "I'll go off and get you one."
0:08:40 > 0:08:42"Yeah, why don't you do that?" Off he goes.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Off he goes to Homebase, he's back after 20, 30 minutes, whatever.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51However long it takes to buy a new switch and think up a new price.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53The thing is, this is what he said.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54He goes, "It's going to take me
0:08:54 > 0:08:57"about half an hour to fit it," right?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58And it was the way he said it,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01that I knew very well that he was hinting big-time
0:09:01 > 0:09:02for, um...
0:09:02 > 0:09:04for a cup of tea or coffee.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I picked it up in his voice, you know, it's like an intuition thing.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Cos he said, "I've got the switch,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12"it's going to take me about half an hour to fit it."
0:09:12 > 0:09:15DRY RASPING
0:09:15 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:21"So thirsty!"
0:09:24 > 0:09:27So you know me, I'm a nice guy, so I go,
0:09:27 > 0:09:31"Do you...", er, or, "Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"While you're doing that."
0:09:34 > 0:09:38And he goes, "I'd love one!" Oh, all right, OK.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"Which do you want, tea or coffee?"
0:09:40 > 0:09:43And he goes, "Oh, whatever's easiest."
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Well, there you go again, you know?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Do I look like someone who is going to be confused...
0:09:49 > 0:09:52LAUGHTER
0:09:52 > 0:09:54..by either of those recipes?
0:09:56 > 0:10:00I'm going to run back to the kitchen and burst into tears.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03He's asked for coffee, the complicated one!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I don't know what I'm doing.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I was just showing off. Now I hate myself.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I felt insulted because, you know, out of the kindness of my heart,
0:10:13 > 0:10:14I had offered him a tea or coffee.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17There was no mention of that when I rang up. £25 an hour plus VAT.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19I didn't say, "Oh, and all the beverages you can drink
0:10:19 > 0:10:23"while you're in my house." It's a little sort of humanitarian gesture.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25A little freebie, if you will.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29A simple question that requires a simple answer. How do you take it?
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Oh, as it comes.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33That's all right cos I take mustard in mine, you f-in' idiot.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38And it's not like I didn't have a choice who I call round to my house.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41We all do. Probably like you, I get a lot of flyers
0:10:41 > 0:10:45and leaflets to the front door and I had one the other day.
0:10:45 > 0:10:51A flyer came through and I kept it because it said, "Local handyman.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54"Local handyman. No job too small."
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Well, to me, I mean, that's like a challenge.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02So I rang him up.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05I said, "Hi, I got your leaflet this morning and I was wondering
0:11:05 > 0:11:09"if you could come over, please, cos...
0:11:09 > 0:11:10HE SIGHS
0:11:10 > 0:11:12"..I've got a pencil needs sharpening."
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Yeah, it's me again. Me again. Pencil guy. It's me, yeah.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25Oh, please, can you come over?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I've got a bit of fluff on the bottom of the hoover
0:11:27 > 0:11:31and I have no idea what to do.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32It's me again.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Toilet roll needs changing.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39Can you come over? I just need you to get another one from under the sink
0:11:39 > 0:11:41and put it on the dispenser for me. Why can't I do it?
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Cos I've got my trousers round my ankles. Why do you think?
0:11:46 > 0:11:47And a shitty arse!
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Can you come over or not? Don't fancy it?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Don't worry cos I've still got your flyer.
0:11:57 > 0:12:02Anyway, anyway, stay with me on this. The electrician finishes.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04He comes round the front door after half an hour, he says,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06"That's all working now.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09"Do you want to keep the old switch?"
0:12:13 > 0:12:18And I still don't know why I said, "Yeah. Do you think I'm crazy?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21"I'm going to throw a thing like that away? You must be...
0:12:21 > 0:12:22"Of course I want the old switch.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25"I'm going to stick it on the wall right here in the hall."
0:12:25 > 0:12:28That'll confuse people when they come over, won't it? Yeah.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32I might leave it on my mantelpiece like a...
0:12:32 > 0:12:35like a conversation starter when people come over.
0:12:35 > 0:12:36People come over and they'll go, "Jack,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38"what is this on your mantelpiece?"
0:12:38 > 0:12:41I was wondering when you were going to ask.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Cos that, my good friend, is the switch that used to be...
0:12:48 > 0:12:50..in the garage.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Now, can you imagine the conversation that will flow from there?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Now, you're probably thinking,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59"Jack, why did you go out to your garage?"
0:12:59 > 0:13:03I'm going to tell you, I was having a clear out.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I'm not a hoarder... Something else I don't mind you knowing about me.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08I like to get rid of stuff when it accumulates.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I don't like to keep old stacks of newspapers.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Fwooom! It's gone. It's out of your life. It's a great feeling.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Big box of cassettes. Fwooom! Gone! Whatever it is!
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Next door's wind chime. Fwooom! Gone!
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Oh, yeah, that was a midnight hop over the fence well worth it.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26I can tell you that.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I don't understand what it is, there comes a point in your life,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31you go to a garden centre and you become attracted to these things.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33"Oh, look at this, you see this wind chime?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35"This is a very nice thing, isn't it?
0:13:35 > 0:13:38"I'm going to get one. It jingles and jangles in your tree.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"It's made of bamboo and metal That's really relaxing.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44"I'd really like that. I think my neighbour would, as well."
0:13:44 > 0:13:49You know, you might as well hang a slamming door in your tree or...
0:13:49 > 0:13:51just get a toddler to play the violin all night.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57So I go to the tip and it's gone! It's out of your life, great feeling.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59I go to the tip all the time, the council tip.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I'm a regular down there at the council tip...
0:14:02 > 0:14:05and, sorry to report, while we're on the subject...
0:14:05 > 0:14:07bit of an attitude problem...
0:14:07 > 0:14:10among the people who work at the tip.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Because, the way I look at it,
0:14:15 > 0:14:20they're in the business of rubbish and I am bringing them rubbish.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24But I'm not hearing the thank yous.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Would it really hurt?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29And, plus, they're sly, because they're watching to see what
0:14:29 > 0:14:31you're getting out of the car all the time.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34You get something valuable out, like an old bike or something,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36lean it against the skip... Instead of coming over and saying,
0:14:36 > 0:14:39"Can we have the bike?", they're sly about it.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41"There's a bike, skip four.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44"Bike, skip four.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"Get it when they've gone. Don't make eye contact.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48"Bike, skip four."
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I like to get all of the rubbish out of the back of my car...
0:14:51 > 0:14:53and then put the bike back in.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59"Oh, I'm taking it to another tip.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02"Better tip than this tip."
0:15:05 > 0:15:07So, anyway, I'm having a clear out...
0:15:07 > 0:15:11and this is the perfect time to have a clear out,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14because I think you've left it a polite amount of time
0:15:14 > 0:15:18since last Christmas to get rid of the Christmas presents.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Time to have a clear out before you get given
0:15:20 > 0:15:23a whole load of other stuff you don't want, right?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26That's what I was up to, cos I was given...
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Jane, my wife, gave me a foot spa, that's what I got.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34I unwrapped it, Christmas morning, and there it was, a foot spa.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40She said, "I just thought you might like it." Did you?
0:15:42 > 0:15:46This basically is a bucket...
0:15:47 > 0:15:50..that you fill with water...
0:15:50 > 0:15:52stand in...
0:15:52 > 0:15:54and plug into the mains.
0:16:00 > 0:16:05If you seriously think I'm falling for that one again... Nah, nah.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08I didn't like it when you threw the toaster in the bath with me
0:16:08 > 0:16:10and I am not going to like this.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13So it's gone, it's out of my life, what a great feeling it is.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17I love it. Same with the Kindle. Fwooom! It's gone!
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Well, I've read it, so, you know...
0:16:22 > 0:16:23And, besides, I'm old-fashioned.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I'm a book person, me. I love a book.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27For me, nothing more special than a book.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30You get to the end of a good book, tear out the last five pages,
0:16:30 > 0:16:32take it to a charity shop.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42"Aww, thank you so much."
0:16:42 > 0:16:44You're very welcome.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I hope somebody enjoys it as much as I did.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Well, listen, you're a wonderful audience
0:16:52 > 0:16:57and I've got some great comedians here tonight to bring on,
0:16:57 > 0:17:01and one of them is a young guy that I've been watching in the clubs,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03and he makes me sick. He does.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05He's so... He's good, you know, he is good.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06You're going to love him.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09Give him a huge Apollo welcome, to the very wonderful
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Seann Walsh! Let's hear it for him, please!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Seann Walsh!
0:17:20 > 0:17:21Cheers!
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Thank you very much.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- Thank you. Hello. - AUDIENCE: Hello!
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Hello!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31It's good to be here.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I'm unhealthy.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I binge drink...
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Do you do that? I'm a binge drinker.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I'm one of those...
0:17:40 > 0:17:42- SCATTERED CHEERS - No, it's not good.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43It's not good, is it?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Sometimes, I'll drink till I vomit.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50That's terrible, it is! I don't feel sick...
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I don't think I'm going to be sick,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I feel fine, I'll just be having a chat at the bar...
0:17:54 > 0:17:57"What we'll do is, on Tuesday, right, if we meet up at..."
0:17:57 > 0:17:58HE HEAVES
0:18:04 > 0:18:08You know, when your whole head fills up with one portion of vomit.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I call it the puffer fish.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17You have to get to the toilet before the second portion comes up.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Otherwise, you're trying to hold it in with your hands.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23It's spraying through the gaps in your fingers!
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Sorry! Excuse me, sorry!
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Oh, God!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33It's not good for you, binge drinking, is it?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35They advertise it. They tell us, "Don't binge drink.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38"Don't drink and drive." What the other one?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40"Don't drink and take antibiotics." Come on.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47No-one's ever listened to that, have they? The doctor says, "Don't drink.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50"Take these. Take these for three weeks. Don't drink alcohol."
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Yeah, this conversation has never happened.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56"Want to come for a pint?" "I can't. I'm on antibiotics." "I understand."
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I really suffer from the hangover. I get every hangover,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08every single one, all the way from the bottom,
0:19:08 > 0:19:12the niggling headache, all the way up to vomiting, migraine,
0:19:12 > 0:19:14all the way up to the worst one... You know the worst one?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17My God... The one where you wake up in the morning
0:19:17 > 0:19:19and you don't have one.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Not only do you not have one,
0:19:24 > 0:19:25you feel brilliant!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Because you are...
0:19:29 > 0:19:30shit-faced!
0:19:33 > 0:19:34You know that one?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Bursting into the kitchen, into the living room,
0:19:39 > 0:19:41your friend's on the sofa...
0:19:41 > 0:19:43"I think I got away with it! Woo!
0:19:44 > 0:19:45"I feel good!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48"I thought I'd at least have a headache, be a bit tired,
0:19:48 > 0:19:49"but I feel good! Woo-hoo!
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- "Yes!" - HE LAUGHS
0:19:51 > 0:19:53"What shall we do? Let's do something!
0:19:53 > 0:19:55"Let's go out! Let's go for a roast!"
0:19:55 > 0:19:57HE LAUGHS
0:19:57 > 0:19:58"How good was last night?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00"Let's go out for a roast, come on, let's do it again!"
0:20:00 > 0:20:04HE LAUGHS
0:20:04 > 0:20:09LAUGHING BECOMES HYSTERICAL
0:20:10 > 0:20:11I can't breathe!
0:20:11 > 0:20:15HE LAUGHS
0:20:15 > 0:20:19LAUGHTER BECOMES CRYING
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Shut the curtains... Please, shut the curtains...
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Sometimes I've already left the house. It's too late. I'm on a bus.
0:20:56 > 0:21:01This happened to me recently on a bus. Hung-over. Public transport.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Sweating, purple eye bags.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07No free seat. Everyone knew I was hung-over.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10They were looking at me. They knew I was hung-over.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14Not cos of the eye bags or the sweat but because I was holding Lucozade.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Let's get this straight now. Lucozade is not for sport,
0:21:23 > 0:21:24is it? Come on.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26APPLAUSE
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Is it? No.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32You see the ads.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35In the ads, all these blokes, eight-pack, top off, running
0:21:35 > 0:21:38on the treadmills, wires on their body connected to a machine.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41"Lucozade Sport!"
0:21:41 > 0:21:44We all know Lucozade is for the hangover.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47That ad should just be a man on a bus crying.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Head against the bus window.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04With a slogan, "Lucozade. Buy two bottles if you've got work."
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Well, I'd buy that.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Who's on the bus? I think I can't handle this. There's no seat.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23It's packed. I need to get off this bus. I need to...
0:22:23 > 0:22:26I need to get off this bus. I thought, "No, I'll risk it."
0:22:26 > 0:22:28I'll go upstairs.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I'm going to go upstairs. I'll go upstairs on the bus.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I'm going to do this. I'm going to do it.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36I put my foot on the first step, which, as we all know,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39allows the driver to know to speed up.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Trying to get up the steps on a bus is like being on an episode
0:22:45 > 0:22:47of Takeshi's Castle.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I got to the top of the stairs.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59No free seats.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02There is no moment...
0:23:03 > 0:23:05..in life...
0:23:05 > 0:23:08you look...
0:23:08 > 0:23:09a bigger...
0:23:10 > 0:23:11..dick...
0:23:13 > 0:23:20..than when 38 people are looking at you and all they see is...
0:23:23 > 0:23:24LAUGHTER
0:23:55 > 0:23:56APPLAUSE
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Awful.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Oh, God.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Cos I find it very difficult to have the one, the one drink,
0:24:05 > 0:24:06that's my problem.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Sometimes I convince myself. I go, "This will be it.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11"I'll have this, then I'll go home.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13"It'll be fine. I'll go home.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16"We'll have this, then we go home, yeah, yeah, deal?
0:24:16 > 0:24:20"Finish this, off home? Yeah, yeah? Sure, sure, yeah?"
0:24:20 > 0:24:24There's always one mate that'll lean in with a big grin on his face,
0:24:24 > 0:24:25wide eyed...
0:24:25 > 0:24:26"Jagerbomb?
0:24:29 > 0:24:30"Eh, eh, Jagerbombs?"
0:24:30 > 0:24:32I can't go for a quiet drink any more
0:24:32 > 0:24:36without it leading to ...king Jagerbombs!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Crazy drink! Insane drink!
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Shots of Jagermeister,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42that we drop into a bigger glass of Red Bull!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47So bad for you. You drink one of these, you lie in bed
0:24:47 > 0:24:48until five in the morning going,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50"I don't know why I can't get to sleep."
0:24:57 > 0:25:00So bad. You can tell the people that have been drinking them
0:25:00 > 0:25:03at the end of the night, cos they go a different drunk, crazy!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06You can spot them a mile off at the kebab shop.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08They just burst in...
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Booomf!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11"All right, mate, can I get a large doner, no salad,
0:25:11 > 0:25:15"here's a tenner, keep the change." Walk out without the kebab.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Such a bad drink!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Sometimes it's my fault, I'm the culprit.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31I'll go to the bar, just think I'm ordering a nice, normal round,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33an innocent round...
0:25:33 > 0:25:37"Can I get a couple of pints and...
0:25:37 > 0:25:41"an ale, please, and a stout? Cheers, that'll be lovely, thanks."
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Then the barman will ask that magic question...
0:25:45 > 0:25:46"Anything else, mate?"
0:26:01 > 0:26:06- SLOW MOTION:- "Wait there a second."
0:26:22 > 0:26:25LAUGHTER
0:26:27 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:42 > 0:26:48Five...Jager....bombs!
0:26:49 > 0:26:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:00 > 0:27:04My friends have no idea what is about to happen.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08They're sat there, I'm bombing it through the pub with the tray.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19- SLOW MOTION:- "Jagerbombs!"
0:27:19 > 0:27:21There's always the reluctant one...
0:27:21 > 0:27:23you know...
0:27:23 > 0:27:24the pussy.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- SLOW MOTION:- "No, no, no!
0:27:28 > 0:27:34"I've got a job interview in the morning!"
0:27:37 > 0:27:40And as a friend, you know, we support him...
0:27:40 > 0:27:45- SLOW MOTION:- "Shut the hell up and down it!"
0:27:47 > 0:27:50"I'm on antibiotics!"
0:27:50 > 0:27:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:58 > 0:27:59There's always one already gone.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Straightaway, one has disappeared.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03- SLOW MOTION:- "Where's yours?"
0:28:04 > 0:28:10"I didn't know we were doing them together!"
0:28:12 > 0:28:16"Quickly, go and get another one!"
0:28:18 > 0:28:21"Let's do this!"
0:28:24 > 0:28:25HE SLURPS
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Boof!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30"Yes, get in...
0:28:30 > 0:28:33"nyeh, nyeh...
0:28:33 > 0:28:35"nye, gargh!"
0:28:41 > 0:28:44"That was close. For a second there, I..."
0:28:44 > 0:28:46HE HEAVES
0:28:49 > 0:28:52Ladies and gentlemen, Live At The Apollo,
0:28:52 > 0:28:55thank you very much, good night, cheers, bye!
0:28:55 > 0:28:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Seann Walsh.
0:29:06 > 0:29:08Seann Walsh.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12If he was my son-in-law, I'd kill him. I would.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15I'd find a way. I'd mow him down in the car or whatever,
0:29:15 > 0:29:17just get rid of him.
0:29:18 > 0:29:22Yeah, anyway, I was talking earlier about this
0:29:22 > 0:29:24traumatic week I had last week.
0:29:24 > 0:29:27On Monday, I went to the garage, you know, my garage...
0:29:27 > 0:29:33Anyway, Tuesday, I have this incident which is a bit unfortunate.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37First of all, let me just run this past you.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39My neighbour comes round.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43My view is, if post comes through your letter box,
0:29:43 > 0:29:44that means it's yours.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46LAUGHTER
0:29:46 > 0:29:49Exactly, so we're all agreed on that.
0:29:50 > 0:29:54Regardless of name and address and all that detail, right?
0:29:54 > 0:29:57So he knocks on the door at about ten o'clock, he says,
0:29:57 > 0:29:59"Has the post been delivered?"
0:29:59 > 0:30:01And I said, "Yeah, yeah, about nine o'clock."
0:30:01 > 0:30:05And he says, "Well, was there a package, did a package come?"
0:30:05 > 0:30:07I said, "Yeah, yeah, it did."
0:30:07 > 0:30:10He said, "Well, did it have my name and address on it?"
0:30:10 > 0:30:12I said, "Yeah, yeah, it did."
0:30:12 > 0:30:14In fairness, it did.
0:30:14 > 0:30:18And he said, "Well, please, may I have it?"
0:30:18 > 0:30:21"Well, not really, because it came through my letter box, so...
0:30:21 > 0:30:23"that makes it mine now, best forget about it."
0:30:23 > 0:30:26Well, he went completely nuts!
0:30:26 > 0:30:29I mean, it was embarrassing, it was undignified,
0:30:29 > 0:30:32he was yelling and screaming at me on the front door,
0:30:32 > 0:30:35he was shouting stuff at me - "You don't even need insulin!"
0:30:35 > 0:30:38You know, it was really just... LAUGHTER
0:30:39 > 0:30:41..a horrible scene.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44I didn't like to see him in that state.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47He was all shaking, I had to walk him back to his house,
0:30:47 > 0:30:49he was talking gibberish, he was...
0:30:49 > 0:30:50He was going, "Have you seen my wind chime?"
0:30:50 > 0:30:52"No, I haven't."
0:30:54 > 0:30:58Well, backstage we have a wonderful comedian
0:30:58 > 0:31:00that is one of my big favourites on the circuit.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Whenever I see him, I love him.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04I know you're going to love him, as well.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08Please give a huge Apollo welcome to the wonderful Milton Jones!
0:31:08 > 0:31:10Let's hear it for Milton!
0:31:10 > 0:31:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:11 > 0:31:14MUSIC: "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer
0:31:31 > 0:31:32So, good evening.
0:31:32 > 0:31:34WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:31:35 > 0:31:37Incredible to think, isn't it?
0:31:39 > 0:31:41LAUGHTER
0:31:45 > 0:31:47That the Chinese language
0:31:47 > 0:31:49started off as English in England.
0:31:51 > 0:31:53Then one person whispered it to another person...
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Bit of a weird day today.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09I found a hole in the back of my wardrobe.
0:32:11 > 0:32:13I went though
0:32:13 > 0:32:15to a strange and mysterious land...
0:32:17 > 0:32:19..where my neighbour was sitting in the bath.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21LAUGHTER
0:32:23 > 0:32:26What else can I tell you about myself?
0:32:26 > 0:32:29I like my tea like my women...
0:32:29 > 0:32:31big, black and with a penguin.
0:32:31 > 0:32:32LAUGHTER
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Obviously, I'm Caucasian...
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Yes, my mum's from a city in Ireland and my dad's Japanese.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53LAUGHTER
0:32:53 > 0:32:56APPLAUSE
0:33:01 > 0:33:04Couldn't sleep last night, I was too hot.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Then the smoke alarm went off!
0:33:06 > 0:33:08LAUGHTER
0:33:11 > 0:33:12Put it on snooze.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:18 > 0:33:20Then the phone went off, picked it up,
0:33:20 > 0:33:22a voice said, "Can you speak?"
0:33:22 > 0:33:25I said, "How did you think this conversation was going to work?"
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Then I recognised the voice of my mother,
0:33:30 > 0:33:33the very woman who taught me to speak in the first place.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36She said, "Listen, it's your dad."
0:33:39 > 0:33:41I said, "That is the worst impression..."
0:33:45 > 0:33:47Do you ever have a conversation with someone,
0:33:47 > 0:33:51and towards the end, they say, "Well, I'll let you go."
0:33:53 > 0:33:55You think, "Yeah, thanks."
0:33:57 > 0:33:59"Oh, I see what you're saying. You're trying to make me
0:33:59 > 0:34:02"think that you think that I've got better things to do,
0:34:02 > 0:34:05"but, in reality, you're saying you've got better things to do!"
0:34:05 > 0:34:08Well, next time somebody says, "I'll let you go", say "No."
0:34:08 > 0:34:09LAUGHTER
0:34:12 > 0:34:13Shut the door.
0:34:15 > 0:34:18If they make a sudden dive for the window, grab them by their ankles.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21And as they're dangling four storeys over the car park, screaming,
0:34:21 > 0:34:23"It's all been a terrible mistake,"
0:34:23 > 0:34:25say, "OK, I'll let you go."
0:34:30 > 0:34:32So, it turns out
0:34:32 > 0:34:34not all horses are Trojan horses...
0:34:36 > 0:34:38LAUGHTER
0:34:39 > 0:34:40I know that now.
0:34:42 > 0:34:44That was a messy afternoon.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Health and safety - that's a minefield, isn't it?
0:34:49 > 0:34:51Don't tell them.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56I used to work in IKEA
0:34:56 > 0:34:58selling over 7,000 different items.
0:34:58 > 0:35:02Give me a number between one and 7,000, I'll tell you about it.
0:35:02 > 0:35:03Eight!
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Eight - sorry, out of stock.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12Well, it's not easy, travelling around all the time on the road...
0:35:12 > 0:35:13Oh, no...
0:35:13 > 0:35:16The AA, RAC, Green Flag...
0:35:16 > 0:35:17don't get me started.
0:35:26 > 0:35:30You know, it was so cold last week in the city of Chester...
0:35:30 > 0:35:33when I ordered a taxi, I ended up in Chichester.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45The interesting thing, of course, about travelling around
0:35:45 > 0:35:47is you find out a little bit
0:35:47 > 0:35:49about the histories of the places you're visiting.
0:35:49 > 0:35:53I didn't realise, but years ago all the men in Chester got together
0:35:53 > 0:35:56and they went to live in Manchester.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59Centuries ago all the women got together,
0:35:59 > 0:36:01and they're still getting ready.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03LAUGHTER
0:36:08 > 0:36:11People from Yorkshire are very proud of calling a spade a spade.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13I've got news for them...
0:36:13 > 0:36:15so does everyone else.
0:36:17 > 0:36:19Apparently the Government's going to give the north of England
0:36:19 > 0:36:22a huge boost, and then all the people can come out
0:36:22 > 0:36:23and lick the chocolate off it.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31If a Welshman says "This is my fantasy,"
0:36:31 > 0:36:33he might just be talking about his fizzy drink.
0:36:46 > 0:36:48I did a show in Liverpool, recently.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51A bloke came up to me afterwards and said, "Hey, listen,
0:36:51 > 0:36:52"I want to talk."
0:36:52 > 0:36:54I said, "Well, just keep practising."
0:36:54 > 0:36:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:01 > 0:37:04Recently, I said to my long-standing girlfriend,
0:37:04 > 0:37:06"Sit down, will you?"
0:37:13 > 0:37:15"Will you marry me?", I spelt out in balloons
0:37:15 > 0:37:19outside of the house of the girl I'd only met on the internet.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22Then I saw her face, and I popped the question.
0:37:31 > 0:37:33Do you ever do that thing when you're on the phone?
0:37:33 > 0:37:35"You put it down!"
0:37:38 > 0:37:40"No, you put it down!"
0:37:41 > 0:37:44"No, you put it down!"
0:37:47 > 0:37:51"Ho-ho! You put it down!"
0:37:53 > 0:37:56"Listen, it's an old dog and you're a qualified vet."
0:37:56 > 0:37:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:38:08 > 0:38:10I met my wife on the net -
0:38:10 > 0:38:12we were both rubbish trapeze artists.
0:38:18 > 0:38:19When me and my wife got together
0:38:19 > 0:38:21she insisted we had separate bank accounts.
0:38:21 > 0:38:24Unfortunately I thought she said "Cypriot".
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Recently, my wife's been giving me the silent treatment.
0:38:32 > 0:38:36Lying there, day after day, beginning to smell a bit now...
0:38:41 > 0:38:44Lads, do you ever get given a job to do, so you deliberately do it
0:38:44 > 0:38:49really, really badly, so you never get asked to do that job again?
0:38:50 > 0:38:52I mean, I hardly know CPR anyway.
0:38:58 > 0:39:01Anyway, it turns out not all pigs are piggybanks.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05I know that now.
0:39:05 > 0:39:08That was a messy afternoon.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14Recently, I've been diagnosed with attention defic...
0:39:14 > 0:39:15Look at those lights!
0:39:15 > 0:39:17LAUGHTER
0:39:20 > 0:39:24Pritt is not the best lip salve I've ever used...
0:39:26 > 0:39:28..but I couldn't complain.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34So any students here?
0:39:35 > 0:39:37WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:39:37 > 0:39:38What are you studying, helium?
0:39:41 > 0:39:42No, it's a good course,
0:39:42 > 0:39:44people speak very highly.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:52 > 0:39:54What else are you studying?
0:39:55 > 0:39:56AUDIENCE MEMBER: Law!
0:39:56 > 0:39:57- Law? - HE CHUCKLES
0:39:57 > 0:39:59WHOOPING
0:39:59 > 0:40:01Practising police sirens, eh?
0:40:05 > 0:40:06I don't trust lawyers,
0:40:06 > 0:40:09even the word is just "liar" with a West Country accent.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: - As in, "You big fat lawyer!"
0:40:17 > 0:40:20That's probably how it all started, isn't it?
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Some bloke came back from the Battle of Hastings and someone said,
0:40:22 > 0:40:24"That arrow in your head's the best thing
0:40:24 > 0:40:26"that's ever happened to you."
0:40:26 > 0:40:27"You big fat lawyer!"
0:40:28 > 0:40:30"Yes, and if you've been injured at work
0:40:30 > 0:40:33"you could be entitled to compensation."
0:40:39 > 0:40:40I've had a lot of jobs in my life.
0:40:41 > 0:40:44I was a bouncer for a while.
0:40:44 > 0:40:45Space Hopper showroom.
0:40:49 > 0:40:51Then I was a weatherman.
0:40:51 > 0:40:54In fact, does anyone want to buy a broken barometer?
0:40:54 > 0:40:56No pressure.
0:40:59 > 0:41:03Calvin Klein's mum has labelled everyone else's pants.
0:41:08 > 0:41:09Not that I'm a good parent.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Apparently, I didn't even turn up to one of my own children's
0:41:12 > 0:41:14christenings, according to one of them,
0:41:14 > 0:41:16who shall remain nameless.
0:41:20 > 0:41:23Still, better than the father of former Chinese Premier Deng Xiaoping
0:41:23 > 0:41:26who made the mistake of having his son christened
0:41:26 > 0:41:28in the same room as a microwave.
0:41:33 > 0:41:36Anyway, it turns out not all ducks are toilet ducks.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38LAUGHTER
0:41:40 > 0:41:42I know that now.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46That was a messy afternoon.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50To be honest... Cos people say that, as well, don't they?
0:41:50 > 0:41:52What do you mean, "to be honest"?
0:41:52 > 0:41:55You mean everything you've been saying so far hasn't been honest?
0:41:55 > 0:41:58Well, how can we trust what you're going to say now?
0:41:58 > 0:42:01Anyway, you've been a great audience, but, to be honest...
0:42:03 > 0:42:05..I'll let you go...
0:42:07 > 0:42:09Sometimes, people say to me, "This is all very well,
0:42:09 > 0:42:11"you saying these things, you dressing like that,
0:42:11 > 0:42:13"but who are you?
0:42:13 > 0:42:15"Where do you come from?"
0:42:15 > 0:42:17I say, "Well, if I told you
0:42:17 > 0:42:20"it wouldn't actually be that interesting."
0:42:20 > 0:42:22And they said, "No, we're the police."
0:42:25 > 0:42:27So I show them my ID...
0:42:27 > 0:42:29and I say, "As you can see,
0:42:29 > 0:42:32"I am Dr Irving Likensay."
0:42:34 > 0:42:37They say "No, this just says 'Driving Licence'."
0:42:49 > 0:42:51That's all from me. Thanks very much, good night!
0:43:00 > 0:43:01Milton Jones!
0:43:01 > 0:43:03Oh!
0:43:05 > 0:43:08Er, listen, you have been a really, really wonderful audience.
0:43:08 > 0:43:10Can I just ask you, though, just to say one thing...
0:43:10 > 0:43:12Thank you very, very much to our comedians tonight.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14We saw Seann Walsh!
0:43:14 > 0:43:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:16 > 0:43:18And Milton Jones!
0:43:18 > 0:43:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:19 > 0:43:22I very much hope I'll see you all again.
0:43:22 > 0:43:23Thank you very much and good night!
0:43:23 > 0:43:25Thank you so much! Good night!
0:43:25 > 0:43:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING