0:00:18 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Sean Lock!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Thank you!
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Thank you, thank you very much!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Hello! Whoo!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Thank you, thank you. Lovely to be here in Hammersmith.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54I just have one thing, one request, if at any point in the show
0:00:54 > 0:00:57you're erring on the side of laughter, go with it, yeah?
0:00:59 > 0:01:00You know, if you get to a bit and you go,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03"Is that funny? Er, erm, er..."
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Just go, wahey! Chuck yourself in!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Cos the consequences for you of a joke not working
0:01:07 > 0:01:10aren't that serious. There'll be other jokes, other shows.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14But the consequences for me are pretty serious, yes.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Because if you don't laugh at my jokes, in about a year's time
0:01:17 > 0:01:20you'll switch on your telly on a Saturday night and you'll hear
0:01:20 > 0:01:25Bruce Forsyth say "And our next couple, dancing the pasodoble..."
0:01:25 > 0:01:29APPLAUSE
0:01:29 > 0:01:31"..it's Sean and Tatiana!"
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Dun, de, den, den deh! Dum, de, deh, deh, deh!
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I'll have a black nylon shirt, split to my waist.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Fruit all down me.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And at some point they'll make you do the shimmy, won't they?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Everybody goes on Strictly and at some point has to do the shimmy.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57It's like tossing the salad in jail that's what it is, the shimmy.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58At some point you have to go...
0:02:00 > 0:02:04That's like just driving your face into the dirt, isn't it?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And then the bit after that you're in a tense dance-off
0:02:06 > 0:02:10with the OXO mum. Ooh!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13And if that's not enough, afterwards you get bollocked, don't you?
0:02:13 > 0:02:14By Bruno Tonioli.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18"Sean! You're like-a fridge, your arms didn't move!
0:02:18 > 0:02:23"You stand there like a fridge, you all grinder, no pepper!"
0:02:25 > 0:02:27And you can't tell him to piss off, can you?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"Look, I made a complete twat out of myself out there,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36"and now you want to rub my nose in it.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40"What have you ever done in your life? You prick."
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I think it would make a better show, make a better show.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47Cos we've got a few Strictly guests in, Joe Calzaghe's here. Hello, Joe.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Joe Calzaghe, undefeated World Champion.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I took up boxing for a while,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57cos I heard it was a way out of the ghetto.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Thing is I'm not from the ghetto.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02So for me it was a way into hospital.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Jon Culshaw there, hello, Jon.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Amazing impressionist.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- You can do 350 voices, is that true? - Something like that.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15And do you hear the voices in your head?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I do, I do!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Cos I hear voices in my head. I ignore them and carry on killing.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26But I do impressions, I do one impression.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Here's my impression, right?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30It's Billy Mitchell from EastEnders.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33CHEERING
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I can't do the voice.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40That's it, just that. And then...hang on.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Oh, it's me again!
0:03:43 > 0:03:47And of course, we have got Brian Murphy there. Hello, Brian.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51- Sitcom legend. Is it right it's your 80th birthday today?- Yes.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52It's your 80th.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54CHEERING
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Your wife's with you.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Good tradition, she is giving you a brilliant birthday treat,
0:04:03 > 0:04:05she's taken you to a free gig.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Thank you, welcome.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11I love playing Hammersmith, it's a great place to play.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13To be honest, I love playing most towns,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I'm on tour at the moment, playing loads of towns.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18There's only one place I won't go back to, that's Guildford.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20CHEERING
0:04:22 > 0:04:24You're not from Guildford.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26They stared at me like they were looking
0:04:26 > 0:04:29out of the windows of a bus replacement service, like this.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35You never see anyone smiling on a bus replacement service, do you?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"This is brilliant, much better than the train!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42"Cos you visit so many different villages!" They look
0:04:42 > 0:04:45like my dad looked when he found out what his pension was worth.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Part of the problem was, to be fair to them, it was the week that
0:04:51 > 0:04:54Margaret Thatcher died and a couple of comments that
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I made might not have gone down in the spirit that they were intended.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04All I said was, wahey! That was it, that was it.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08And I did mention that a fitting tribute to her was that
0:05:08 > 0:05:10when they cremated her they ran out of coal.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12That was it, that was all I said.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18I didn't have a party.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21Well, you wouldn't call it a party, it was a few drinks, nibbles,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23couple of friends.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Police were called once. That's not a party, is it?
0:05:27 > 0:05:28Erm...I love my wife.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31I love my kids, I am a very lucky man, very lucky man.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35But there are things I miss about the old days, before all that.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37I think the thing I miss the most of all about living on my own
0:05:37 > 0:05:40is the songs you sing when you live on your own. You know the songs
0:05:40 > 0:05:42you sing when you live on your own? Just walking round your house,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44start singing, don't you?
0:05:44 > 0:05:48# I'm going to put the kettle on and make a cup of tea now!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51# Owww, ow, ow-ow-ow ow!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56# I might have a biscuit or a crisp sandwich! #
0:06:00 > 0:06:02You can't do that when you live with other people, can you?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Cos they don't want to see that.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07No. They want to think you've got your shit together.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11You've got to hide that.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13I say I love my wife, sometimes I'm not sure.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Well, no, the symptoms of being in love are shortness of breath,
0:06:17 > 0:06:20light headedness, inability to concentrate - are exactly the same
0:06:20 > 0:06:23symptoms as carbon monoxide poisoning, aren't they?
0:06:24 > 0:06:27So I said "I think I love you, but can we get the boiler serviced?"
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Hahaha! No, I do, I love her very much.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36But she upset me this last Christmas because as she was giving me
0:06:36 > 0:06:39my Christmas present, just before I opened it she said "Oh, by the way,
0:06:39 > 0:06:43"you do know it's very hard to buy presents for a man of your age?"
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I found that quite hurtful, I did, to be honest with you.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49And if there are any men of my age in the room tonight, bit of advice
0:06:49 > 0:06:51for you, be very careful what you show enthusiasm for
0:06:51 > 0:06:54in the weeks before Christmas.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Because you show the slightest enthusiasm or interest
0:06:57 > 0:07:00in anything...you're getting it for Christmas.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02She'll be going up to bed. You say,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"I'll be up in a minute, I'm just going to watch the news."
0:07:04 > 0:07:06"Oh!"
0:07:08 > 0:07:10"He likes the news!"
0:07:12 > 0:07:14And you'll get a biography of Huw Edwards.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18"What a guy."
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Never had an X-ray, apparently. Didn't know that.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24One time we were out walking in the countryside,
0:07:24 > 0:07:27there was a bird hovering in the sky. She said, "That's a buzzard."
0:07:27 > 0:07:28I said, "No, that's a kestrel."
0:07:28 > 0:07:30She said, "I didn't know you knew about that."
0:07:30 > 0:07:33I said, "Yeah, a little bit, little bit. Not a lot."
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Cut to six months later, I'm standing in a field...
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I've got a big leather glove on like that.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Cube of meat on a string.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54"Yeah, I'm having a great day, love.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57"It's like you read my mind!"
0:08:03 > 0:08:07"Argh! Get it off me! Get it off me!
0:08:07 > 0:08:08"Argh!"
0:08:10 > 0:08:13I didn't do that. Don't want to upset the greenies.
0:08:14 > 0:08:15From about October to December,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19I don't say anything positive about anything.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22We got a ferry once from Holland. Ferries are normally a sort of dull,
0:08:22 > 0:08:26dismal, awful experience. This was a really nice ferry, lovely ferry.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28And I was about to go, "Cor, this is a nice ferry, isn't it?"
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Then I went, "Uh, oh. No."
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Cos there is a chance on Christmas morning I'd have opened an envelope
0:08:34 > 0:08:37and pulled out... "A golden ferry ticket!
0:08:37 > 0:08:40"A magical day out on the ferry!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42"Help the captain steer the ferry out of port."
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"Wave the cars onto the deck."
0:08:50 > 0:08:52"Sing a song with the group Liquid Motion."
0:08:56 > 0:09:00The other day I intercepted her ordering me some bees.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02She was ordering bees on the phone. I went,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05"Whoa, whoa, we don't want any bees! Why are you ordering bees?"
0:09:05 > 0:09:07She said, "You were going on about the plight of the honey bee,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10"and how people don't plant flowers any more, their gardens are decked,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13"and the honey bee's dying out, and the whole of society will collapse
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"so I thought I'd get you some bees."
0:09:15 > 0:09:19And I said, "No, what you've mistaken there is, I like moaning."
0:09:19 > 0:09:22I couldn't give a shit about bees.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25I can't tell the difference between a bee and a wasp,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27I just kill anything I see.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29Basically, she wants me to have a hobby,
0:09:29 > 0:09:32because I don't get a lot of spare time but if I do, what I like to do
0:09:32 > 0:09:33is stand in various rooms in my house,
0:09:33 > 0:09:37staring into the middle distance like that.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39And she finds that troubling.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I'm never happier than when I'm sitting on bed, in my pants,
0:09:42 > 0:09:46one sock on, another sock in my hand.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Oh, I could do 20 minutes there like that.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Cos I'm not doing nothing, I'm putting socks on. But very slowly.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56And the thing is, I do have a hobby,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59but it's not considered to be a hobby, and my hobby is drinking.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I like drinking.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03CHEERING
0:10:03 > 0:10:05I'll tell you why.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I don't do it all the time, but when I go out I like to have a drink.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11If you could see my little face, how excited my little face is
0:10:11 > 0:10:14when I'm going off to the pub, you'd go, "Aw, look at him,
0:10:14 > 0:10:16"isn't he cute, eh?"
0:10:17 > 0:10:20And when I drink, I like to go out and have a proper drink,
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I like to get hammered. I like to be four units the right side
0:10:22 > 0:10:25of shitting myself, that's what I like to do.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Drawing on my face, combing my hair with a shoe, that kind of thing.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36I worked out my relationship with alcohol is very similar to
0:10:36 > 0:10:40the relationship that a moth has with a light bulb.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44You know when you see a moth having a session on the light bulb.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49They're just going - bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51"This is brilliant!"
0:10:53 > 0:10:55"Who switched this on?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:00"I bloody love you!"
0:11:06 > 0:11:11If you could interview a moth after a night on the light bulb,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13it would be very similar to me with a hangover.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"What happened there, moth?"
0:11:15 > 0:11:17"I know, I know, I've done it again, haven't I?"
0:11:19 > 0:11:22"How do you feel now?" "I feel bloody awful!"
0:11:22 > 0:11:25"Covered in burns!"
0:11:25 > 0:11:29"They're bloody hot those light bulbs! Everyone saw me!"
0:11:31 > 0:11:34"Cos I was the worst, wasn't I? I was the worst.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"Eight hours I was up there, wasn't I?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40"Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!"
0:11:40 > 0:11:43But some of them only do an hour then piss off behind the fridge.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48"Do you think you've got a problem?"
0:11:48 > 0:11:53"No, not at all, if you don't switch the light bulb on, I'm fine.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55"I could do about three weeks on a wall."
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Bum ba bum!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Bubububuub...
0:12:00 > 0:12:05But you switch the light bulb on... "Yes! Daddy's home!"
0:12:08 > 0:12:10I'm not advocating alcoholism, by the way,
0:12:10 > 0:12:13I'm just sticking up for a group in society that gets badly treated,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16gets really bad press, is abused and maligned continually
0:12:16 > 0:12:18and that's binge drinkers.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Nobody ever says anything nice about binge drinkers, do they?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23They just say, "Binge drinkers, Look what they've done,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26"look what they've done to the town centre."
0:12:26 > 0:12:27We didn't ruin the town centre.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Tesco's and the internet did that, we're just finishing the job.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36It's like farting in a cheese shop - it's not the main problem.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Kicking a dead bird.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"What you doing?" "It's dead, chill out!"
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Put a bit of chewing gum in a mullet.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57And it's terrible the discrimination you suffer as a binge drinker.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59I've been for job interviews and I know the only reason
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I didn't get that job, is cos I was hammered.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08They couldn't see beyond that, they couldn't see the person behind
0:13:08 > 0:13:10the man trying to get a sing-song going.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13# I get knocked down
0:13:13 > 0:13:17# But I get up again yeah yeah. #
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"Where do you see yourself in five years' time, Mr Lock?"
0:13:19 > 0:13:20"Pub! Ha-ha!"
0:13:23 > 0:13:25And the press are very complicit in this, they really like
0:13:25 > 0:13:28to make binge drinkers feel bad. I remember there was a picture once
0:13:28 > 0:13:31in the Sun of this girl on a night out in Newcastle.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34And for a laugh she pulled... She kept her clothes on but for a laugh
0:13:34 > 0:13:36she pulled her knickers down to her ankles
0:13:36 > 0:13:39and she was standing in the centre of Newcastle going "Wahey!"
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Big smile on her face, like that "Wahey!"
0:13:41 > 0:13:44And the headline above was something like, "Oh, God.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47"Oh, dear, oh, dear."
0:13:47 > 0:13:49And I remember looking at the picture thinking,
0:13:49 > 0:13:50"What is wrong with that?"
0:13:50 > 0:13:53She's obviously having a brilliant time.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55You've got to be in a fantastic mood to be
0:13:55 > 0:13:58in the heart of the town where you live, where you go shopping, you go
0:13:58 > 0:14:02to work, you meet friends, to be in the very epicentre of where all your
0:14:02 > 0:14:07friends are, where your life is to go "Ha-ha, yeah!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10"Ha-ha-ha!"
0:14:10 > 0:14:12That's a great moment in your life!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I'd put that on my CV!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18"There we go, happiest I've ever been.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21"That's also the answer to hobbies and interests."
0:14:21 > 0:14:24I've never met anyone who's depressed who's done that.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I've never chatted to anyone whose depressed, say, "How you feeling?"
0:14:27 > 0:14:30"Terrible, every decision I make is a disaster. I just can't see a way
0:14:30 > 0:14:32"of muddling through this miserable period in my life.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35"The other day I went down to the canal. I was...
0:14:35 > 0:14:39"I was just staring at the dark black water
0:14:39 > 0:14:44"trying to find a reason to carry on with this miserable existence
0:14:44 > 0:14:47"we laughingly call life."
0:14:47 > 0:14:51Also, you don't need to make a binge drinkers feel bad,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53because they'll do that themselves.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55If I've had a night out, the next day, three or four times,
0:14:55 > 0:14:58at least, at random moments during the day, I'll be making
0:14:58 > 0:15:02a cup of tea, I'll just do this, I'll go, "Eurgh, eurgh, eurgh. Eurgh."
0:15:04 > 0:15:07"What's the matter with you, Sean?" "I just remembered something from...
0:15:07 > 0:15:13"Eurgh, eurgh, eurgh. Eurgh."
0:15:13 > 0:15:16The weird thing is, once you have one of those memories,
0:15:16 > 0:15:17you have got it for life.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Your brain, you can forget the most important things you have
0:15:19 > 0:15:22ever known, but it never forgets shame, does it?
0:15:23 > 0:15:26My brain calls up stuff that happened 25 years ago.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Let's have a look at that one. And you're walking along going, "Eurgh!"
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Like, I remember the time I left a note out for the milkmen
0:15:32 > 0:15:34and accidentally, I put a kiss on it.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Eurgh!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Like some sort of humiliation jukebox, just going,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42"Let's have a look at this one, let's have a look at this one."
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Once I was walking through the park, beautiful sunny day,
0:15:44 > 0:15:46no reason to remember this whatsoever, no reason at all,
0:15:46 > 0:15:48children out playing, flowers are out,
0:15:48 > 0:15:51and I remembered this date I'd been on years ago.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54We're halfway through it, the girl pointed out that my shirt was
0:15:54 > 0:15:58buttoned up on the wrong side, so technically I was wearing a blouse.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Eurgh.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07The thing is, as I remembered it, I was walking past a dwarf.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11He was about there and I was there, so when I remembered that,
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I went like this - eurgh!
0:16:16 > 0:16:19And I was a bit concerned, I thought he might have thought
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I was doing some kind of Lord Of The Rings, Igor-type thing.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26So I said to him, "Sorry, mate, I didn't mean you."
0:16:26 > 0:16:29And he went, "What are you talking about?"
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I said, "When I went eurgh, it wasn't
0:16:31 > 0:16:35"about Lord Of The Rings or anything like that." And he said, "Why would
0:16:35 > 0:16:41"I think that?" And now that's become something that makes me go eurgh!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47The trouble is, every time I see a dwarf, it triggers that memory.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Eurgh!
0:16:48 > 0:16:50"Oh, sorry, mate, I didn't mean you."
0:16:50 > 0:16:52I'm trapped in a dwarf shame spiral.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58You don't get punch lines like that every day, do you?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I don't get a lot of stuff nicked.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Are you ready for the first act, ladies and gentlemen?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Then put your hands together and go mad for a wonderful young comedian,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Romesh Ranganathan!
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Hello. Very excited to be here.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39I realised that some of you will have seen me come out with a microphone,
0:17:39 > 0:17:41may have become concerned.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43"Oh, God, Asian comedian."
0:17:45 > 0:17:49"He's going to be banging on about being Asian the whole time."
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Please, don't worry, only about 10% of my stuff is based on
0:17:54 > 0:17:57me being Asian, all right?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02The other 90% is based on my issues with white people.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13So, it should be absolutely fine. Looking around I can't help feeling
0:18:13 > 0:18:15there's been a bit of a booking error.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20I'll just say what I've got to say and get the hell out of here.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23I am actually married, I don't want to upset anyone in here.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28But I am married, my wife and I have two small children -
0:18:28 > 0:18:31we're not kidnappers.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34We created these children by the traditional means...
0:18:38 > 0:18:39..adoption.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44No, I'm joking, I'm joking, I did it, did it. Smashed it.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54My wife is white, I'm genuinely Asian, I haven't just browned-up
0:18:54 > 0:18:58for tonight's show, and so our children are mixed race.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00And a game that we've started playing,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02we've started getting our kids
0:19:02 > 0:19:03to pick a side.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10So whenever we're watching the Jeremy Kyle show,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13just point at the screen and go "That's white people for you, kids."
0:19:16 > 0:19:19"I have got no idea, mate."
0:19:19 > 0:19:21And whenever we go to an Indian restaurant my wife will go,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23"Smells like Daddy".
0:19:29 > 0:19:31That's a little game we play.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33She won that one.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I'm going to be honest with you, I've overreacted to racism in the past
0:19:38 > 0:19:41I'm not going to lie. I was getting my hair cut. It was an extremely
0:19:41 > 0:19:44hot day, I was complaining about how hot it was. This guy sitting in the
0:19:44 > 0:19:48barbers he turns to me, he says "Oh, I can't believe you lot, ha-ha."
0:19:50 > 0:19:53"I can't believe you lot, you come over here, don't you, eh?
0:19:53 > 0:19:54"Heh, heh, ha-ha, yeah, you do.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00"You come over here then you complain about how bloody hot it is,
0:20:00 > 0:20:01"don't you, son? Heh, hah!"
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I thought, "Oh, my God, I'm going to put this idiot in his place,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09"assuming that I'm an immigrant."
0:20:09 > 0:20:10So I said to him,
0:20:10 > 0:20:14"Well, actually, sir, the climactic conditions in Crawley,
0:20:14 > 0:20:17"where I originate from,
0:20:17 > 0:20:21"are very similar to the ones we're experiencing here.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25"Just goes to show you."
0:20:26 > 0:20:29To which his genuine response was,
0:20:29 > 0:20:33"Bloody hell, mate, you're picking up the language brilliantly, ain't you?"
0:20:38 > 0:20:41See, I complain about that, but in the winter,
0:20:41 > 0:20:45one of my favourite pastimes is to pretend to passers-by that I've just
0:20:45 > 0:20:51arrived in the country and that I'm seeing snow for the very first time.
0:20:59 > 0:21:03On a really good day, they take photographs.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04I've got to be honest with you,
0:21:04 > 0:21:08I recently came to the realisation that sometimes a lack of racism
0:21:08 > 0:21:10can actually be more hurtful than racism itself.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Now hear me out on this. I think you will agree with me.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17I recently got into a bit of a car prang, completely my fault,
0:21:17 > 0:21:20damaged this guy's car quite badly, he lost his shit,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23as he had every right to, gets out the car and he looks at me and
0:21:23 > 0:21:27he says, "What the hell do you think you're doing, you fat bastard?"
0:21:34 > 0:21:38And I thought, "Oh, my God, I have put on so much weight..."
0:21:43 > 0:21:45That's the first thing he went for.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51I would rather he'd have said something racist, right?
0:21:51 > 0:21:54It's offensive, but at least it means I'm in shape.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02And it's my mom's fault. She's a feeder, she always has been.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I don't know if you had this problem. If you were at school,
0:22:05 > 0:22:07you probably got a phone call home from your school, saying,
0:22:07 > 0:22:10she's not doing her homework, she's messing about in class.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I got a phone call home from my school because they were
0:22:13 > 0:22:16concerned about how many sandwiches I was putting away at break time.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22And my mum took immediate action.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24She told me to hide when I was eating my sandwiches.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31And that's how I got the nickname Toilet Fatty.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42I was sitting at home watching television with my wife,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44and for those of you who have children,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47you will know, to even get to a point where you're able to watch
0:22:47 > 0:22:52what you want to on television is a bloody miracle.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55You've got to do what these little shits want to do first, right?
0:22:55 > 0:22:59And on this particular day, they wanted to watch Disney DVDs.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I'd just about managed to convince them to not watch Finding Nemo.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Now, I know that sounds mad cos Finding Nemo's a great film.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I assume people are fans of it in here?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09CHEERING
0:23:09 > 0:23:10It's a lovely movie.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14This fish goes along and saves his son. It's wonderful, heart-warming.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18But unfortunately when you have children, that film is ruined.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Cos I'm watching finding Nemo now and I'm thinking to myself,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23"I mean, he told Nemo.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26"Repeatedly.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30"To stop pissing around, right?"
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Cos Nemo wouldn't listen, he's got to go dicking across the other side
0:23:35 > 0:23:38of the world to go and get him.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41And at the end of the film, Nemo's dad is supposed to learn a lesson
0:23:41 > 0:23:43about chilling out. Piss off!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53If I was directing that film, Nemo would have got kidnapped
0:23:53 > 0:23:57and his dad would have gone, "I told you, you little prick!
0:23:57 > 0:24:00"Enjoy the fish tank, dickhead!"
0:24:00 > 0:24:03And the sequel would have been called Grounding Nemo.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Anyway, we didn't watch finding Nemo, we watched Beauty And The Beast.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11It's a classic. I'm watching this film and I'm thinking,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13"This ain't right either."
0:24:13 > 0:24:16You've got the story of Belle, who falls in love with the Beast,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19looks beneath the surface, falls in love with the person underneath,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22he turns into a prince, they they live happily ever after.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26I can't help thinking the message from this film seems to be
0:24:26 > 0:24:30look beneath the surface, fall in love with the person beneath,
0:24:30 > 0:24:35and hopefully...they will undergo some sort of major reconstructive
0:24:35 > 0:24:43surgery...that will enable you to bring yourself to sleep with them!
0:24:45 > 0:24:49That's not a positive message, Disney!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I mean, I argue with my wife.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53One of the issues I had an argument with her,
0:24:53 > 0:24:56is we disagree about how to bring up our children.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I dropped the ball on a potty training issue recently.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Now, those of you that haven't potty trained a child, let me
0:25:02 > 0:25:04explain to you how it works.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06You have to encourage the child
0:25:06 > 0:25:09when they poo in the correct area.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12What this basically means is, at my house,
0:25:12 > 0:25:20every time my son takes a shit, we have a party. Absolutely ridiculous.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24I said to my wife, "This is mental."
0:25:24 > 0:25:26She said, "We're not going to do it forever." Yeah, I know!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I didn't think that was the plan.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32I didn't anticipate following him to his graduation,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34waiting outside cubicle one, and going,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37"Look what you curled out, mate! Beautiful!"
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Anyway, my son did a poo-poo the other day. My wife was out.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46He called down, he said, "Daddy, I've done a poo-poo." I ran upstairs,
0:25:46 > 0:25:50into the bathroom, sure enough, in the potty on the floor, wee-poo combo.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Nailed it.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Then I thought, I've got to deal with this,
0:25:56 > 0:25:59so I went to get a carrier bag to put this into,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02and then I thought, "You can't put this in a carrier bag, idiot."
0:26:02 > 0:26:04So I went to get two carrier bags.
0:26:06 > 0:26:11I then got the carrier bags and decanted... Is that the right word?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Decanted the contents of the potty into the carrier bags,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17tied a knot in the top, smashed it.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20I then phone my wife to tell her two things. Thing number one.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I've just dealt with a situation without your help.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27How d'you like them apples? Thing number two.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Can you get some more carrier bags?
0:26:30 > 0:26:34It was at that point that my wife suggested to me that maybe the
0:26:34 > 0:26:40better receptacle for my home sewage project might have been the toilet.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43At this point, I felt two emotions.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Emotion number one was humiliation,
0:26:46 > 0:26:50because not only had I done this, but I'd also told my wife.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I knew that she was going to go tell her friends.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56The number of times I've been talking to one of her friends
0:26:56 > 0:26:58and maybe suppressing a snigger, because Mouthy McGossip Twat
0:26:58 > 0:27:01has told has told them something I've got up to.
0:27:07 > 0:27:12My second emotion was rage towards my son,
0:27:12 > 0:27:16because my son knows what my wife does with his poo-poos,
0:27:16 > 0:27:21and instead of telling me, he decided to get some popcorn,
0:27:21 > 0:27:26sit back and watch while I put his shit into a carrier bag!
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Unacceptable.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35I mean, the fact of the matter is I don't actually like
0:27:35 > 0:27:38going out with my children and it's not because of my children.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39I love my children, I think.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43The problem is, you have to deal with other people's children and you
0:27:43 > 0:27:46have to deal with their parents and you can't tell off other people's
0:27:46 > 0:27:51kids cos people get annoyed. Except I've found a way.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I was at the cinema a while ago, I'm going to share this with you.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58This kid was throwing popcorn about, shouting, just being a little idiot.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01His parents were doing absolutely nothing about it.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05So I thought I would step up, on behalf of the cinema.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10So I got in real close and said, "Listen here, you little shit..."
0:28:12 > 0:28:16"Pull that again, I'm going to punch you in your face, understand me?"
0:28:18 > 0:28:22And then as his parents approached and were able to hear me,
0:28:22 > 0:28:23I just went,
0:28:23 > 0:28:26"And that's why you shouldn't say that to brown people."
0:28:36 > 0:28:37They apologised to me!
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Try it. You'll have to brown up, but it's worth it!
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Ladies and gentlemen, you genuinely have been adequate.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50So, thank you so much, I've been Romesh Ranganathan, goodnight!
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Romesh Ranganathan!
0:29:00 > 0:29:02So, you up for the next act?
0:29:02 > 0:29:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Please put your hands together, go mad for a fantastic comedian,
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Marcus Brigstocke!
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen,
0:29:24 > 0:29:26give it up for Mr Sean Lock!
0:29:26 > 0:29:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:31 > 0:29:34This is lovely, exciting. I like being here in London.
0:29:34 > 0:29:38I went to my favourite Indian restaurant in London the other day.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40I live in Clapham. Anyone from Clapham?
0:29:40 > 0:29:41CHEERING
0:29:41 > 0:29:47"Hooray! We came on a pony! Hello." You'll know this place, then.
0:29:47 > 0:29:52There's a very good Indian restaurant there called The Gaylord.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55And I'm not above finding that a little bit funny.
0:29:55 > 0:29:58I phone my friend and go, "Do you fancy The Gaylord?" And he'll
0:29:58 > 0:30:02say, "No, you do." And we laugh for about an hour, it's roughly an hour.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Give or take, an hour.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08I think if the gay community appointed a lord, I think
0:30:08 > 0:30:11that would be a good thing. I think it would be nice.
0:30:11 > 0:30:13You'd hope it would be Stephen Fry, Peter Tatchell,
0:30:13 > 0:30:14it would probably be Louie Spence.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16But nonetheless, it would be a good thing.
0:30:16 > 0:30:19I don't mind finding that little bit funny, I ring my mate and go,
0:30:19 > 0:30:21"Do you want something spicy from The Gaylord
0:30:21 > 0:30:25"so that your bottom hurts in the morning?" About an hour, we laughed.
0:30:25 > 0:30:28So we went to The Gaylord and we were sitting there,
0:30:28 > 0:30:31it's really nice and these three kids showed up outside, these three
0:30:31 > 0:30:37teenagers and they found the word Gaylord funnier than the internet.
0:30:37 > 0:30:40They were there for about 40 minutes, pushing each other towards it,
0:30:40 > 0:30:43"Go on, touch The Gaylord." "No, no, bruv, no way.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47"I ain't touching The Gaylord, you touch it!"
0:30:48 > 0:30:53So we're watching for ages. The waiters were all watching this
0:30:53 > 0:30:55happening. "I ain't going in The Gaylord!
0:30:55 > 0:30:57"I might go in through the front, I ain't going in through the back!"
0:30:57 > 0:30:59"Oh, my days! Oh, my days!"
0:31:03 > 0:31:05And eventually one of them
0:31:05 > 0:31:08is nominated by his friends to enter The Gaylord.
0:31:10 > 0:31:14So they push him in and he's like, "Right, OK, I'll go in."
0:31:14 > 0:31:16And the waiter was fantastic.
0:31:16 > 0:31:19It was obvious what was going on, cos his mates were outside pissing themselves, he's going,
0:31:19 > 0:31:22"I'm doing it now, yeah?" As soon as he walked in,
0:31:22 > 0:31:25it was obvious what was happening, but the waiter stepped forward
0:31:25 > 0:31:26and went, "Table for one, sir?"
0:31:28 > 0:31:32The kid was hilarious. He went, "No, I don't want to eat nothing.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35"Yeah, I'm doing it! I'm doing it now!
0:31:35 > 0:31:37"I don't want to eat nothing, but let me aks you this.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40"Let me aks you this, bruv.
0:31:40 > 0:31:44"Why is it that your restaurant is called Gaylord?"
0:31:45 > 0:31:49Now, I'm guessing this has happened to this waiter every day
0:31:49 > 0:31:55for the last 22 years, cos he was fantastic, he didn't hesitate at all.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58As soon as the kid asked him, he gave him a full history lesson.
0:31:58 > 0:32:01The kid went, "Let me aks you this, why is it called The Gaylord?"
0:32:01 > 0:32:04And the waiter went, "Well, interestingly, Gaylord was a young Indian man,
0:32:04 > 0:32:06"he was very cosseted and he left his family, joined the military,
0:32:06 > 0:32:09"he became a great warrior, much respected in battle,
0:32:09 > 0:32:12"he was a fine horseman and very fine with a sword as well..."
0:32:12 > 0:32:17And because the kid had asked him, he had no choice but to listen.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19So while he's getting this full history lesson,
0:32:19 > 0:32:25the kid is just going, "Oh, right, yeah. Yeah, wicked, with a sword?
0:32:25 > 0:32:26"Bad ass." It was brilliant,
0:32:26 > 0:32:29The waiter went on for about 10 minutes,
0:32:29 > 0:32:32given the full history of who Gaylord was and the kid had no
0:32:32 > 0:32:37choice at the end but to go, "Well, thank you very much." Brilliant.
0:32:38 > 0:32:43He got a free history lesson. Education in the community.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45He went back outside and his mates were pissing themselves.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48"Oh, my gosh, you was in there for ages by the way!
0:32:48 > 0:32:49"A bit creepy, yeah?"
0:32:49 > 0:32:52And I've no idea what he said to them, but they calmed down really
0:32:52 > 0:32:55quickly, so I'm guessing he explained and went, "No, we got all wrong.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57"It turns out Gaylord is a geezer, yeah?"
0:32:58 > 0:33:02And I'd love to think that in their gang now, whenever someone
0:33:02 > 0:33:06does something really cool, that's their word of choice to describe it.
0:33:06 > 0:33:10"I tell you what, man, you're a level-nine boss gaylord!"
0:33:19 > 0:33:21I turned 40 this year. Which means my body is...
0:33:21 > 0:33:24- WOMAN:- Whoo!- No, don't woo that!
0:33:24 > 0:33:27Don't whoo that. My body is no longer on my side.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31I've started having a new experience, which I'm calling "after wees."
0:33:34 > 0:33:37It's when you've had a wee, you've finished your wee,
0:33:37 > 0:33:40you check with your bladder, "Is this wee fully finished?"
0:33:40 > 0:33:43Your bladder goes, "Oh, yes, definitely finished."
0:33:43 > 0:33:46And then you leave.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49And then your bladder decides to do his impression of Columbo.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53"Ah, one more thing!
0:33:53 > 0:33:56"Just one more thing."
0:33:59 > 0:34:02So I don't trust my body any more. I went on safari, went to South Africa.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04Anyone here been to South Africa?
0:34:04 > 0:34:05MILD CHEERING
0:34:05 > 0:34:08I stopped a safari with my bum.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11When you're in South Africa, I don't know if you've tried Biltong.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14It's delicious, its dried bush meat. Dried meat, right?
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Kudu, antelope, stuff like that. They were giving it out where I stayed.
0:34:17 > 0:34:20I ate loads of the stuff, it was delicious, nom, nom, nom, nom, mmm.
0:34:20 > 0:34:22It's all dried meat, like that.
0:34:22 > 0:34:24What I didn't realise is that when you then have a drink,
0:34:24 > 0:34:28it takes on its original size and shape, inside you.
0:34:28 > 0:34:32I rehydrated an antelope in my lower intestines.
0:34:33 > 0:34:36And then got the biltong farts. Badly.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39So we went on a safari. Five o'clock in the morning. You get up early
0:34:39 > 0:34:41before the animals are fully awake, they're still doing their teeth
0:34:41 > 0:34:44and folding their little elephant jammies.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46We were in an open top jeep
0:34:46 > 0:34:48with a guide driver in front, a young couple on honeymoon
0:34:48 > 0:34:50and a young family in the back.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53And I have a belly full of swollen biltong
0:34:53 > 0:34:55and I got the biltong farts badly.
0:34:55 > 0:34:56Right, so we went over a bump
0:34:56 > 0:35:00and a big biltong-based blow off fell out of me.
0:35:00 > 0:35:04And the driver of our open top vehicle brought it to a complete halt
0:35:04 > 0:35:07and went, "Can everybody smell that?
0:35:07 > 0:35:08"That's lion."
0:35:11 > 0:35:13"You can tell because it's very meaty.
0:35:13 > 0:35:17"It's quite fresh as well. They've been through here recently, yeah?"
0:35:17 > 0:35:20And the thing is, everyone in the jeep got up and went,
0:35:20 > 0:35:22"Oh, yes, yes, you can really smell it!
0:35:22 > 0:35:25"It's lion. Children, come on, come on."
0:35:25 > 0:35:28"Daddy is it really lion?" "I think it could be, yes."
0:35:28 > 0:35:32Cos the more I laughed the more I farted, right?
0:35:32 > 0:35:34The driver is sneaking the vehicle forward going,
0:35:34 > 0:35:38"I can't see them, but they're definitely very close, yeah?"
0:35:39 > 0:35:42"Please, everyone be careful, I think one of them may be injured."
0:35:42 > 0:35:45I was like, "Ohhh!"
0:35:45 > 0:35:48We were there 40 minutes. People trying to take photos of my farts.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54So I'm going to go to Greece, fart in one of their banks,
0:35:54 > 0:35:56see if I can help them out.
0:35:56 > 0:35:59They're in a bad way. Any Greek people in?
0:35:59 > 0:36:00MODERATE CHEERING
0:36:00 > 0:36:04Yeah? Pay your taxes. It would be a start, wouldn't it?
0:36:04 > 0:36:05It's not difficult.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13They're in a bad way and it's not all their fault. I feel bad for Greece.
0:36:13 > 0:36:17Yeah, it's so bad over there they're selling off their islands.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20I think we should buy them, put them in the British Museum.
0:36:20 > 0:36:21I'm a completist, what can I say?
0:36:23 > 0:36:26No, it is, it's a bad, bad situation in Greece. It's not entirely
0:36:26 > 0:36:28their fault. Greece was never supposed to be in the euro.
0:36:28 > 0:36:31That's right, we're drifting from my farts straight into
0:36:31 > 0:36:33a light economics lecture. Hold on, people.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37So Greece was never supposed to be in the euro.
0:36:37 > 0:36:40They had too much sovereign debt, you know this, yeah?
0:36:40 > 0:36:42They had too much sovereign debt, they couldn't get in.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45Goldman Sachs, the investment bank, hid their sovereign debt
0:36:45 > 0:36:48and snuck Greece into the euro.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51And you can understand why Greece wanted to get in. They were like
0:36:51 > 0:36:52a kid outside a nightclub, you know,
0:36:52 > 0:36:55too young, had the wrong shoes on, but they could hear it,
0:36:55 > 0:36:56they were excited they could hear...
0:36:56 > 0:36:59HE IMITATES A DANCE BEAT
0:36:59 > 0:37:02And the Greeks are excited, they wanted to get in. And I should warn
0:37:02 > 0:37:05you, for the Greek people, I'm not very good at the Greek accent
0:37:05 > 0:37:08but I'll give it a go, OK? So the Greeks are outside, they can hear...
0:37:08 > 0:37:09HE IMITATES A DANCE BEAT
0:37:09 > 0:37:11And they went, "Ay!
0:37:14 > 0:37:17"I want to get into the nightclub!"
0:37:17 > 0:37:20That's not good, that, is it? But they couldn't get in.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22Weren't allowed. They had too much sovereign debt. And France were
0:37:22 > 0:37:26on the door being the bouncer. France said, "No, you cannot come in here,
0:37:26 > 0:37:29"look at you, shitty Greece, you are too young, you have too much
0:37:29 > 0:37:32"sovereign debt, you are wearing the wrong shoes, go on get out of here.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35"Look, you have curly slippers on, get out of here!"
0:37:37 > 0:37:40And Goldman Sachs hid their sovereign debt, gave them fake ID,
0:37:40 > 0:37:43changed their shoes, and snuck Greece in through the back door of the club.
0:37:43 > 0:37:46The Greeks are in now and they're excited.
0:37:46 > 0:37:48They're inside the club going "Ooh, ooh!"
0:37:48 > 0:37:50You know how Greeks are... not like that.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54"We're inside the euro club now, wooop wooop!" Nah.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57It's exciting for Greece. Brilliant, they're on the inside
0:37:57 > 0:37:59and that's when they realise the club has a German DJ.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03That's when shit started to get scary for Greece
0:38:03 > 0:38:06when they heard "Ja, daz iz da EuroHaus!"
0:38:06 > 0:38:09HE IMITATES A FURIOUS DANCE BEAT
0:38:13 > 0:38:15"Turn it up a little more!"
0:38:17 > 0:38:20"Dance faster, little Greece!"
0:38:20 > 0:38:23By this point Greece were desperately trying to keep up, going,
0:38:23 > 0:38:27"Ah! Please will you slow the music down?
0:38:27 > 0:38:30"Don't you have any Nana Mouskouri or Demis Roussos?"
0:38:30 > 0:38:32"No! Das iz de EuroHaus!
0:38:32 > 0:38:34HE IMITATES A FURIOUS DANCE BEAT
0:38:34 > 0:38:36"Dance faster, little shit!"
0:38:38 > 0:38:40By this stage the Greeks were slumped in the corner going,
0:38:40 > 0:38:44"Please, I should never have been in here!
0:38:44 > 0:38:47"I have too much sovereign debt and look - curly slippers!"
0:38:49 > 0:38:54They can't get out cos the Germans have locked the door.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56And the Germans dictate how fast the music goes
0:38:56 > 0:38:59and because they're German that's very fast indeed.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02Germans have two speeds for their music - oompa and techno.
0:39:04 > 0:39:07The Greeks fully went in the wrong door, they could have been so happy
0:39:07 > 0:39:09right now one club further up going,
0:39:09 > 0:39:11# Poompa-poompa-poompa-poompa... #
0:39:13 > 0:39:15So everything...
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Love that oompa.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21Everything the Greeks are living on is handouts from the Germans.
0:39:21 > 0:39:25That's hard. Greece is an old culture, they have their pride.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27It's difficult. The Germans give them all their money and they can
0:39:27 > 0:39:30tell them the things they want them to do so they can treat Greece
0:39:30 > 0:39:33however they want. Usually it's like a naughty teenager, like,
0:39:33 > 0:39:36"Ja, OK, Greece.
0:39:36 > 0:39:43"You can have your pocket money. But first you must tidy your room."
0:39:43 > 0:39:46The Greeks are like, "Hey! We invented philosophy!"
0:39:46 > 0:39:50"Ja, und we invented the Volkswagen und the Mercedes Benz.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53"And people buy shitloads of those, so tidy your room
0:39:53 > 0:39:55"or it's back into the techno club, you little shit!"
0:39:55 > 0:39:57"Arghhh!"
0:39:57 > 0:40:00The Germans have got it this time, they are on it. They're like,
0:40:00 > 0:40:02"Ja, the last two times we tried it was a little bit awkward
0:40:02 > 0:40:05"with all of the killing of the people.
0:40:09 > 0:40:13"No, this time it is much better,
0:40:13 > 0:40:14"this time we just buy it!
0:40:16 > 0:40:19"Ja, we work a little longer und we spend a little less
0:40:19 > 0:40:23"und we just buy it because last time people were quite cross with us!
0:40:23 > 0:40:25"They said, 'You must not be killing all of these people.'
0:40:25 > 0:40:29"We were like, 'Ja, we are knowing this NOW.'
0:40:29 > 0:40:32"This time is better. Look, we have receipt."
0:40:32 > 0:40:35Ladies and gentlemen, you've been an absolute delight, thank you so much.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37See you again. Thank you, goodbye!
0:40:43 > 0:40:45Marcus Brigstocke!
0:40:48 > 0:40:50I don't like to ever finish a show without giving the audience
0:40:50 > 0:40:53a piece of advice. I've got a piece of advice for everybody in this audience,
0:40:53 > 0:40:55especially anyone who's got children.
0:40:55 > 0:41:00A bit of advice for you is, always lie to your children.
0:41:00 > 0:41:04Never tell the truth, just lie. If they ask you anything, just lie.
0:41:04 > 0:41:07There'll be plenty of time when they grow up to find out the truth.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11Now, I always lie. There is a theory of parenting that you should never lie to kids, apart
0:41:11 > 0:41:15from obviously Father Christmas, the tooth fairy and how hot the food is.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18Which is fair enough, if they've been giving you a difficult day,
0:41:18 > 0:41:20it's a bit of payback, isn't it?
0:41:22 > 0:41:25"Yeah, those fish fingers have been out for ages. Work away."
0:41:25 > 0:41:27Ha-ha-ha!
0:41:27 > 0:41:30It's the new smacking.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36But they say, apart from that, you should never lie to your children.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38I lie to my children all the time.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41I was putting one of my daughters to bed, and she said
0:41:41 > 0:41:45to me, "Daddy, are there monsters under the bed?" And I said, "Yes.
0:41:45 > 0:41:48"Oh, God, there are horrible monsters under your bed.
0:41:48 > 0:41:49"You don't want to meet them.
0:41:49 > 0:41:52"And if you put your feet down on the bedroom floor at any point in
0:41:52 > 0:41:56"the night, they'll reach out, grab your ankles and drag you under the bed.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00"And they'll take you off into a labyrinth of turds and wasps.
0:42:00 > 0:42:04"And he's on duty until about seven o'clock in the morning.
0:42:06 > 0:42:10"Clocks off at seven. He's like a pub chef in the countryside.
0:42:10 > 0:42:12"So, if you wake up about 6:45, just wait 15 minutes, then come
0:42:12 > 0:42:15"and disturb your mummy and your daddy.
0:42:15 > 0:42:19"In fact, I think he's on duty now! Stay on the bed! Stay on the bed!
0:42:19 > 0:42:22"Pass me Mr Tiddles!
0:42:25 > 0:42:27"Stay on the bed! Stay on the bed!
0:42:27 > 0:42:28"Good night."
0:42:28 > 0:42:30APPLAUSE
0:42:34 > 0:42:37Now some people would say that's not ideal parenting, but I think
0:42:37 > 0:42:40it's better than the alternative, which is to tell the truth.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42When they say, "Daddy, are there monsters under the bed?"
0:42:42 > 0:42:45And you go, "No, there's no monsters under the bed."
0:42:45 > 0:42:48Because then they'll ask, "Are there monsters outside?" And if you tell
0:42:48 > 0:42:51the truth, you have to go, "Yeah, but they don't look like monsters.
0:42:51 > 0:42:54"No, they look like ordinary men and women, a bit like your mummy
0:42:54 > 0:42:58"and your daddy, but they're capable of terrible things.
0:42:58 > 0:42:59"Good night."
0:43:05 > 0:43:08Please put your hands together for the acts you saw tonight -
0:43:08 > 0:43:11Romesh Ranganathan, Marcus Brigstocke.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14I have been Sean Lock, thank you very much!