0:00:19 > 0:00:25Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Adam Hills!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Hello, London!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Hello, London and welcome to live at the Apollo. My name's Adam Hills.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46I have two amazing acts to present to you tonight. Are you well?
0:00:46 > 0:00:47AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Excellent! There are celebrities in the house -
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- Tinie Tempah's here, people! - CHEERING
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Hey, buddy!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Tinie Tempah's here. Love your music, love you. We've met before.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00But you know what I love about Tinie Tempah? The name.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02There's thought gone into the name, Tinie Tempah.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04You've told me this before,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07you chose something harsh, like "temper", then you offset it
0:01:07 > 0:01:10with "tiny" and I love that. There's thought that's gone into it.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Not like Jay-Z who threw two darts at an alphabet!
0:01:14 > 0:01:15LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:20And so what it is it's something impressive and harsh
0:01:20 > 0:01:24like "temper", offset by something cuddly like "tiny", brilliant.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29It's a lovely name. It's like Angry Birds or Prime Minister Miliband.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- LAUGHTER - Er...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Sorry, every time we look at your Prime Minister we go,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- "Yeah, go on, I dare you." - LAUGHTER
0:01:36 > 0:01:40Kimberly Wyatt is here from the Pussycat Dolls. Absolutely brilliant.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- Yes, Kimberly Wyatt's here. - CHEERING
0:01:42 > 0:01:46The only thing I know about you is that your nickname is Flexi Doll,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49because you are the most supple of the Pussycat Dolls.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Just let's all take a moment to imagine that....
0:01:52 > 0:01:53LAUGHTER
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Again, I compare myself to that and go
0:01:56 > 0:01:58"Well, I would be Rusty Babushka" if that was the case.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00LAUGHTER
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Yeah, inside this 43-three-year old decrepit body is just
0:02:03 > 0:02:05a broken 62-year-old.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07And then inside him there's a 95-five-year old
0:02:07 > 0:02:10weeping cos he can't find his Zimmer frame.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I'm genuinely chuffed that you're here and...I don't care,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I love music and I don't understand it and I'm blown away by it
0:02:16 > 0:02:18and that's why I think you're brilliant.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21And I've seen the power of music around the world. I've seen
0:02:21 > 0:02:23music bring people together, regardless of nationality.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27I've seen that Jon Bon Jovi is the universal constant.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Whether or not you like his music, if you can sing a Jon Bon Jovi song
0:02:31 > 0:02:34anywhere in the world you will bond a room full of people instantly.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I was doing shows in Belgium once
0:02:36 > 0:02:38and I was backstage with a group of Belgian comics,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41five Belgian comedians, me and Michael McIntyre.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42And I'm thinking, what do you...?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I've got nothing in common with these guys. How do you...
0:02:45 > 0:02:47How do you start a conversation with a Belgian?
0:02:47 > 0:02:51I was like, "Er, do you like waffles?"
0:02:51 > 0:02:54It was this weirdest thing where everyone was nervous,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56no-one knew what to say and one of the Belgian guys,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I can only assume out of nerves...
0:02:58 > 0:03:01just started singing to himself under his breath.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04In the middle of this crowded room everyone's gone quiet
0:03:04 > 0:03:06and this one guy went,
0:03:06 > 0:03:07# This Romeo is bleeding...
0:03:07 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:12# But you can't see his blood
0:03:12 > 0:03:17# It's nothing but some feelings that this old dog kicked up #
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Then he must have suddenly realised what he was doing
0:03:20 > 0:03:21cos he looked at me and went,
0:03:21 > 0:03:26"Oh." So I looked back across the room and just went,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28# It's been raining since you left me...
0:03:28 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:32# And I'm drowning in the flood
0:03:32 > 0:03:38# You see I've always been a fighter but without you I give up! #
0:03:38 > 0:03:41And he gave me a look that said, "You're not serious, are you?"
0:03:41 > 0:03:44And I gave him a look to say, "I am if you are, big fella."
0:03:44 > 0:03:48He took a step in and went # And I can't sing a love song
0:03:48 > 0:03:50# Like the way it's meant to be #
0:03:50 > 0:03:51And I thought, "I will see you
0:03:51 > 0:03:54"and raise you, my friend," so I stood up and went,
0:03:54 > 0:03:59# And I guess that's just not good any more but baby that's just me! #
0:03:59 > 0:04:03There was a pause, then everyone in the room did the chorus!
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Me, five comedians and Michael McIntyre just went,
0:04:07 > 0:04:16- BAWLING:- # And I will love you, baby! Ooohhhhh! #
0:04:16 > 0:04:18We bonded. We Jon Bonded.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And it occurred to me then that Jon Bon Jovi songs may not solve
0:04:23 > 0:04:27the Middle East peace crisis, but it's worth a shot, isn't it?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Just send an envoy into the Middle East, Israelis on one side,
0:04:30 > 0:04:35Palestinians on the other. "No, no, this land is for the Jewish people.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37"God promised it to the Jews. We will never back down.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41"You guys?" "No, this land is for the Palestinian people. We'll never back down!"
0:04:41 > 0:04:44"Is there any way?" "No, no way." Just pull out a microphone.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48# Oowa, oowa, oowa, oowa, oowa, ooowa, oowa #
0:04:48 > 0:04:50And just wait!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Honestly, I think the Israelis would crack first.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55"No, this is ridiculous, how can we...?"
0:04:55 > 0:04:57# Tommy used to work on the docks #
0:04:57 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:03The Palestinians would have to join in. "This is outrageous!
0:05:03 > 0:05:04# Gina works the diner all day #
0:05:04 > 0:05:08And within a minute they'd all be on their feet, lighters in the air.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11# Whooooooaaaaaah! Living on a prayer! #
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I mean, they'd argue about which prayer
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- but at least they'd be singing together. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:22 > 0:05:25You see, that's the thing, music fires people up as well.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27I get very fired up by music.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Oh, man, I went on a rant. I was in Starbucks recently.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Now, I have a lot of problems with Starbucks.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36My main problem with Starbucks is, they make shit coffee.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I was in a Starbucks and they were selling albums.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44They were selling albums, they were selling CDs. They were selling
0:05:44 > 0:05:46a Doors CD.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Does that appal you as much as it appals me?
0:05:49 > 0:05:54Are you aware who I'm talking about when I say The Doors? Jim Morrison, The Lizard King?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57The man who died choking on his own vomit in a bath?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Who was arrested for indecent exposure on stage.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03He's available in Starbucks?!
0:06:03 > 0:06:07That's not... Mika, Mika should be available in Starbucks.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I don't know if you know Mika's work,
0:06:09 > 0:06:11it sounds like James Blunt shagged a sponge.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:16That should be in Starbucks. You know what I mean?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19If you have The Doors in Starbucks, at least pay homage,
0:06:19 > 0:06:23have a Morrison mochachino where you drop in acid and stir it with your cock, do it properly!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I love all music and do you know what I love?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I love boy bands.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I know, and not necessarily the music
0:06:32 > 0:06:35but just the fact you can put one together. You can create
0:06:35 > 0:06:37a boy band, you just need a certain look.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Honestly, I could create a boy band out of five members of the audience right now.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43WHOOPING
0:06:43 > 0:06:44In fact...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46CHEERING
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Right... You, fella, could you hop up on stage, please?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Come round on the stairs here, excellent. Yep, you'll be right.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55There's a few down here that look a little too obvious.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Oh, shit, yeah, you have to!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- LAUGHTER - You have to. One, two, three...
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Yeah, come on, yep, four.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08And I'm going to go one more.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Oh, yeah, two rows back. You, fella, come on down.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13All right, here we go.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15WOLF-WHISTLE
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Oh, hey, Nick. Sorry. How are you with stairs?
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Yeah, I can do it, mate.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Yeah, cool. Right.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I just realised I picked on Nick Hamilton!
0:07:22 > 0:07:23CHEERING
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I know.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27That's right, Adam,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29find a guy with cerebral palsy, make him walk upstairs.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:36They didn't think to put a ramp in for you, did they?
0:07:38 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:07:46 > 0:07:49All right, all right, I think this is going to work!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Now, we've got every member you would find in a boy...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I'll need to swap you round a little bit.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Yeah, you don't have the dodgy guy at the end.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Look at this, we've got the buff guy that the ladies are going to love,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06we've got the slightly nerdy guy that the weird girls are going to
0:08:06 > 0:08:11get into, we've got the rebellious bloke, we've got the one...
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Well, you're probably the one who can sing
0:08:14 > 0:08:16cos I can see no other talent there.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:18 > 0:08:21And we've got the guy who'll become gay. So...
0:08:21 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Right, every boy band member has to have their own look.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Now, I'm going to try you, Nick, I'm going to try you with this.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Your look, when I go, just hands down in front...
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- Nice! - CHEERING
0:08:39 > 0:08:41All right, awesome.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Yours...fold your arms, turn side on.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Brilliant! You're Superman, hands on hips.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER
0:08:50 > 0:08:52You've got one arm behind your head.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Nice!
0:08:55 > 0:08:59You, er, you've got both arms behind your head.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01- HE PURRS - Awesome, awesome.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Now, if I do this we have an album cover.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:09:10 > 0:09:14There's more to it than this, though, there's more to it than this.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18So at some point I'm going to click my fingers.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20When I, go into your boy band pose, OK?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Right, now, this is going to...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I don't know if this is going to work.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Then at some point I'm going to say "Dance."
0:09:26 > 0:09:28LAUGHTER
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Now, we've got Brendan Cole here from Strictly Come Dancing.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34He's not going to need to teach you steps, this is very easy.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36It's a man dance, it's right foot, left foot.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Just try that. Yep, you got it.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44That's perfect. If you get out of step with everybody, just stop,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47they'll come back to you and you join back in again.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- It's absolutely fine. - LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:54We can all do this. And then at some point I'm going to say "Turn."
0:09:54 > 0:09:56I don't how it's going to work but we'll just give it a...
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- WHOOPING - Yeah? Yeah?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02How am I going to do that?
0:10:02 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER
0:10:03 > 0:10:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Yeah, that's a good point.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You know what, yours is so quick no-one sees it.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER
0:10:17 > 0:10:19How's the rest of it, stepping and all that?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Cool. When you're stepping, if you feel like
0:10:21 > 0:10:25clicking your fingers, feel free. Clap your hands if you want, you'll be fine.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29All right. Everyone, I need starting positions, which is heads down.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Oh, nice! Heads down, no smiling, no smiling, serious faces.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Can we do something with the lighting?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Can we drop the lighting ever so slightly?
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you tonight
0:10:42 > 0:10:45the newest boy band to come out of London. Yeah, the Back Yard Boys!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:47 > 0:10:50OK, you ready, boys? Here we go.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52# You are... #
0:10:52 > 0:10:54No, not all of you! Just one at a time!
0:10:54 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Sorry, we've all gone off a bit early.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58I should have explained that.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Try and think about something else, reload, you'll be fine.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04When I click at each of you individually, into your...
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Oh, God, is this what it was like in the Pussycat Dolls?
0:11:07 > 0:11:08LAUGHTER
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Jesus, which one's Scherzinger, which one?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Weird in the middle, isn't it? Yeah, all right.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- LAUGHTER - All right, here we go.
0:11:15 > 0:11:20Jeez, it is harder than I thought to put a boy band together, isn't it?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Oh, shit, OK, right.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24# You are...
0:11:24 > 0:11:27# My fire...
0:11:27 > 0:11:30# My one...
0:11:30 > 0:11:32# Desire...
0:11:32 > 0:11:37- # I love when you say... - WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:11:37 > 0:11:41# That I want it that way... #
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Dance! # Tell me why
0:11:43 > 0:11:46# Ain't nothin' but a heartache
0:11:46 > 0:11:50# Tell me why ain't nothin' but a mistake
0:11:50 > 0:11:55# Tell me why, I never want to hear you say #
0:11:55 > 0:11:56And turn!
0:11:56 > 0:12:00# I want it that way. #
0:12:00 > 0:12:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Ladies and gentlemen, the Back Yard Boys!
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Well done!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Thank you, guys!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Ah! Ladies and gentlemen, I'll back throughout the night
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- But are you ready for your first act of the night? - AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:12:23 > 0:12:27She's absolutely amazing, she is Andi Osho!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Whoooo!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Wow!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Wow!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Hello, Apollo! CHEERING
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Hey! Excellent!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I'm so glad to you've come out tonight,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53so nice to see people come out to support live comedy.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Cos not everybody gets it, right? The other day
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I was took a taxi, it had a Romanian cab driver and I was trying
0:12:58 > 0:13:01to explain to him live comedy and he was just like, "No."
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Like it didn't mean anything to him.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08And I said, "Well don't you have like live comedy, live comedians in your country?"
0:13:08 > 0:13:10He's like, "No, he is on television."
0:13:10 > 0:13:11LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:15It made it sound like there's one comedian in Romania!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
0:13:17 > 0:13:21"I am your premier comed...ONLY comedian.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24"What you get if you cross Polish man with Latvian man?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27"You cannot, this is homosexuality and is banned."
0:13:27 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:34"An Englishman, an Irishman a Scottish man walk into a bar.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37"Because they are British, they are drunk and alcoholic.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:43"Two nuns are in the bath because there is water shortage."
0:13:43 > 0:13:45LAUGHTER
0:13:45 > 0:13:48I could do this all night.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50So what else has been happening?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53This happened - a kid got expelled from school
0:13:53 > 0:13:57for putting a picture on Facebook of his genitals in his teacher's mug.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59LAUGHTER
0:14:02 > 0:14:07Now, that is taking teabagging to a whole new level, innit?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10How did they even know it was him?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Did they dust the mug for wrinkle prints or something?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15"Yes, that's definitely Jonathan from Year 11."
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"How do you know, Headmaster?"
0:14:17 > 0:14:19"I just do!"
0:14:21 > 0:14:25They need good role models. Also, like in celebrity land,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28they need role models. Not the sort that are famous for being famous,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31like Peter Andre. God bless his heart but he's made an
0:14:31 > 0:14:3318-year career out of one song!
0:14:33 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:38So much so that he's even got a perfume called Mysterious Girl.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Now, call me crazy but surely, as a woman, the one thing you don't
0:14:41 > 0:14:44want to smell like is mysterious?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47You don't want to spray that on and then walk past your mates
0:14:47 > 0:14:50and your mates are like, "Ugh! What is that? Is that egg?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53"You smell mysterious!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"Ugh! Eurgh!"
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Or Cheryl Cole.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Sorry, I just get so angry whenever I see her face!
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Like I was watching her when she was on that Piers Morgan Life Stories bleating on about,
0:15:09 > 0:15:13"Being in Africa and my fight with malaria, erghhh."
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I got so angry but then I remembered malaria's a disease - not the name
0:15:16 > 0:15:20of another toilet attendant she's been kicking the shit out of.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22APPLAUSE
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Yeah.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28NORTH-EASTERN ACCENT: "Take that malaria, you bastard! Give us a lollypop!"
0:15:28 > 0:15:31"We're gonna fight for this, love."
0:15:31 > 0:15:32It's good, innit, I like that one.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Yeah, if she likes hitting people so much maybe
0:15:35 > 0:15:39she should go out with Chris Brown, see how that works out for her!
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Yeah, I said it!
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Yeah, I did that joke in Cheltenham
0:15:45 > 0:15:48and this old lady turned to her husband and was like,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52"Chris Brown? Wasn't he the home secretary in 1987?"
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Her husband was like,
0:15:54 > 0:15:59"I think I'd remember if we had a black home secretary, Margaret!"
0:15:59 > 0:16:00He-he.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02That'd be amazing to be a black home secretary,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04if I was a black home secretary...
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Well, if I was home secretary obviously I'd be black but, er...
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Think it through, Osho!
0:16:11 > 0:16:13That would be amazing
0:16:13 > 0:16:16because I would do the biggest wind up on the Daily Mail ever.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I would go straight to the BBC news studios
0:16:19 > 0:16:21and do a live broadcast,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I'd just go... AFRICAN ACCENT: "Good mornin', viewers!
0:16:24 > 0:16:29"As de new home secretary, I want to announce,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32"from now on there will be no immigration laws!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35APPLAUSE
0:16:38 > 0:16:42"Dat's it, de borders are now open!"
0:16:42 > 0:16:45"Tell your friends, tell your family, we have plenty o' money,
0:16:45 > 0:16:49"plenty o' jobs, plenty o' benefits, com, com!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51"Just com, eh?"
0:16:53 > 0:16:55And then close the borders!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59It's tough. It's tough.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Young people do need good role models. I think
0:17:02 > 0:17:06the Paralympians we had last year, they were amazing role models,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08I don't think you can get better than... right?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11APPLAUSE
0:17:11 > 0:17:16I mean, seriously, they put footballers to shame, they did.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I mean John Terry must have watched the Paralympics and just gone,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22"Oh! I get it! I'm a twat!"
0:17:22 > 0:17:25APPLAUSE
0:17:31 > 0:17:34As amazing as the Paralympians were I think
0:17:34 > 0:17:37sometimes we did get a little bit patronising towards them.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Some people went a little bit OTT with all the, "Ah, they're so brave, argh!"
0:17:41 > 0:17:44They're just people who happen to have disabilities,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46they have to train like everybody else.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49They're still athletes and we didn't do this for other
0:17:49 > 0:17:52minority groups, you know what I mean, we didn't watch
0:17:52 > 0:17:55the 100m final going, "Look at the black people running!
0:17:57 > 0:17:58"They're just so fast!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03"And they're not even being chased!"
0:18:03 > 0:18:05APPLAUSE
0:18:09 > 0:18:11But we should all do that next time!
0:18:13 > 0:18:18Apparently, er, this Paralympics that we had here was the most successful Paralympics
0:18:18 > 0:18:21in the history of the games, so Rio better change it up.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24They should add new categories for the disabilities.
0:18:24 > 0:18:29They should add non-physical ones. Depression, that's a disability.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32You'd just get a guy sat in the sandpit at the end of the long jump
0:18:32 > 0:18:34going, "What's the bloody point?"
0:18:38 > 0:18:42What else has been happening? Oh, so, I tried online dating again.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Yeah, right.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47I mean, to be honest, I didn't last long. About ten days.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Cos I think online dating is a hoax, man. I'm sorry.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54I think it's the biggest online hoax since Nigeria got e-mail. It is.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55I swear.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58That is some scam they are running!
0:18:58 > 0:19:02The only people that have managed to combine the internet
0:19:02 > 0:19:05and dating is, er, gay guys because they've got Grindr.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Right, OK, let me explain. Some people don't know about Grindr.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12OK, so what it is, it's pretty spectacular.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15It's an app that tells gay guys how far
0:19:15 > 0:19:18they are from another available gay man.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19It's awesome.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I was explaining this to a friend and he was like,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23"So, it's like a tracker?"
0:19:25 > 0:19:27It's not a tracker, you're not hunting gay men.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31It's not like that scene in Jurassic Park where the guy's going
0:19:31 > 0:19:34through the jungle, then two gay guys are going to
0:19:34 > 0:19:37swoop in from either side and he's like, "Clever girl."
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Or like an Aboriginal man picking up some debris and going,
0:19:42 > 0:19:46"Hmm, leather chaps, rainbow flag. Sh, sh, they're close."
0:19:49 > 0:19:52And the guys have to be registered on the website to come up on the app.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55You can't just suddenly start using your iPhone as a gaydar now,
0:19:55 > 0:19:58you can't go round, "Beep, beep, you are fabulous."
0:19:58 > 0:20:00You can't... You can't do that.
0:20:00 > 0:20:05So I downloaded Grindr onto my phone and as soon as I fired it up,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08there were 70 registered guys within ten metres of me.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Do you know what it was like?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Do you remember that scene in Aliens where they are surrounded
0:20:13 > 0:20:18by the aliens and they are like, "Ten metres... That's in the room."
0:20:19 > 0:20:23"You can't be reading it right." "I am reading it right!"
0:20:23 > 0:20:25"They're coming through the damn walls!"
0:20:25 > 0:20:30And there's a little girl going, "They mostly come out at night.
0:20:30 > 0:20:31"Mostly."
0:20:38 > 0:20:41They brought out a version of it for straight women as well.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42When I heard, I was like, "This is great!"
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Then, "How's it going to work?"
0:20:44 > 0:20:48Like, is a women going to be on her own in a half-empty bar
0:20:48 > 0:20:52and she thinks, "I'll just fire up the old Lady Grindr."
0:20:52 > 0:20:54That doesn't sound nice at all, does it?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57That sounds like a really aggressive sex toy.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01"I don't need a man, I got Lady Grindr!
0:21:01 > 0:21:04"Just kidney punches me to orgasm!"
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Or something like that.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I hope I haven't scandalised anybody, cos with comedy
0:21:09 > 0:21:12you've got to be careful, you gotta make sure you're politically correct
0:21:12 > 0:21:15and blah blah, but sometimes people take it too far and you
0:21:15 > 0:21:18don't want to be too caught up in the boundaries of political
0:21:18 > 0:21:22correctness. Some people do take it too far, like somebody complained
0:21:22 > 0:21:26to IKEA because their instructions only showed men making the stuff.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Now, let me just check, girls, give a shit?
0:21:31 > 0:21:35No! Cos as far as we're concerned, that is a win-win situation!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38We'll be watching the geezer building the furniture going,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41"Oh darling, I'd love to help you build this thing
0:21:41 > 0:21:43"but it says you have to do it!"
0:21:50 > 0:21:53It's good when people just do a two fingers up to political
0:21:53 > 0:21:56correctness. This happened around the time of 7/7,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59everyone was a little jumpy around brown people with bags on buses.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Relax, we all did it.
0:22:01 > 0:22:06And I was on the top deck of the bus, had paid, in your face, TFL. And...
0:22:08 > 0:22:10And there was an Asian guy at the back of the bus,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13just minding his own business, looking through his bag.
0:22:13 > 0:22:17All the people sat around him were watching him, transfixed.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Little bead of sweat down their temples,
0:22:20 > 0:22:24and then they all started moving, one at a time, just one seat.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27What sort of bomb did they think he was packing that had a blast
0:22:27 > 0:22:29radius of one seat?!
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Like, did they think it was going to go off like this, "Oh, no!
0:22:34 > 0:22:39"That has gone everywhere now, I got bomb all over me!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42"That's not going to come out in a hot wash, is it?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45"Terrorists!"
0:22:45 > 0:22:46We don't do that enough, do we?
0:22:46 > 0:22:50I didn't move, but mainly out of social embarrassment.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53You don't like to cause a scene, do you? I'd rather die! But...
0:22:54 > 0:22:58So this guy, he was minding his own business.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00He sort of becomes aware of this movement around him,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03he looks up, sees that there's this massive space around him.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06And he looks up, sees me staring at him from the front of the bus
0:23:06 > 0:23:09and this is all he did, it was perfect, he just went,
0:23:09 > 0:23:11"Kaboom."
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Woooo! Anyways, ladies and gentlemen, you've been awesome.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I've been Andi Osho. Thank you very much, good night!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23APPLAUSE
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Ladies and gentlemen, Andi Osho!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I did some shows in America last year, which is
0:23:37 > 0:23:40kind of hilarious because American comedians are really slick.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44American comedians, they just come out and just bang out jokes.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45And I'm not good at that.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48"OK, here's your first act, Tommy Johnson." And some guy goes,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50"I was at the gym yesterday. Anybody go to the gym?
0:23:50 > 0:23:54"What's the gym like?" People go, "Yeah, the gym, man!"
0:23:54 > 0:23:57"Here's your next act, Sean McKenzie." Guy comes out,
0:23:57 > 0:24:00"So I'm in my car. Does anyone here drive a car? How cool a car...?"
0:24:00 > 0:24:02"Yeah, we love cars!"
0:24:02 > 0:24:04"Here's your next act,
0:24:04 > 0:24:07"from Australia, Adam Hills." I walk out and go, "Who are you?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10"What's your name? Let's take a photo. Let's make a boy band.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13"Hurray!" And the audience are like, "Should he be here?"
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I got told off by a Hollywood producer after one of my shows.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19This guy in the bar went, "You're doing it all wrong, man.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20"You're doing it wrong.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"You gotta grab an audience, tell them what you do.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24"What do you do?" "I don't know...
0:24:24 > 0:24:26"I tell stories?"
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"What kind of stories do you tell, man?"
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"Um, I don't know, I'm an Australian who tells stories.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33"It's kind of all I've got."
0:24:33 > 0:24:35"You got to give him more, what kind of Aussie are you?"
0:24:35 > 0:24:38"What?" "There are Aussies everywhere in Hollywood, man.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40"Where do you fit? You got to grab an audience.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43"Tell them what you do, where you fit amongst every other Aussie
0:24:43 > 0:24:46"in Hollywood." So this was my opening line the next night.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48"Er, g'day, my name's Adam, I'm from Australia.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52"I'm less talented than Hugh Jackman but more tolerant than Mel Gibson."
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Pretty much all I've got, people.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02That's it. I can't dance, but I quite like Jews. Hurray.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05No, I should check - are there Australians here?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08SOME CHEERS
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Yes! Of course, it's a free night out in London.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Are there New Zealand... Where's Brendan Cole?
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Where are you, Brendan? You're a New Zealander, aren't you, my friend?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- CHEERING - Yes.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Ah, there are New Zealanders here, or just women who love your body.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Four people.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29It's the proportional representation of New Zealanders in the room,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31When was the last time you flew Air New Zealand?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- Two years ago.- Two years ago.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- What was the safety demonstration video?- The All Blacks.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- The All Blacks.- Standard.- Air New Zealand make the best safety
0:25:39 > 0:25:41demonstration videos in the world.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43A few months ago, if you flew, it was the entire
0:25:43 > 0:25:46cast of The Hobbit telling you what to do in case of an emergency.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49I'm assuming when oxygen came down, Gollum went,
0:25:49 > 0:25:51"Mine, Precious!"
0:25:52 > 0:25:54I flew during the Rugby World Cup.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I'm glad they've gone with the All Blacks.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I flew during the Rugby World Cup.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01They had an '80s fitness instructor by the name of Richard Simmons.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I don't know if you remember this guy, he was the campest man
0:26:04 > 0:26:06on the planet before any of us knew what gay meant.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09He'd come out and conduct fitness videos going,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12"OK, people, squeeze your tush and squeeze it, and squeeze it.
0:26:12 > 0:26:16"Come on, let's work!" And we'd all go, "His wife must be so happy."
0:26:16 > 0:26:18He was doing the safety demonstration video
0:26:18 > 0:26:22on Air New Zealand but like that! They had pumping music.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23IMITATES POUNDING MUSIC
0:26:23 > 0:26:27And he came out going, "Come on, people, let's get fit to fly!
0:26:27 > 0:26:30"If you need oxygen, pull and breathe!
0:26:30 > 0:26:35"And pull and breathe." And the whole plane are going, "Oh, my God."
0:26:35 > 0:26:39At one point he did this. "To put your bags away, reach and slide.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41"You're a giraffe."
0:26:44 > 0:26:47And it made everyone watch but I couldn't help thinking,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50this was during the Rugby World Cup when it was held in New Zealand!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53"Why don't you use the All Blacks and get them to do a Haka?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56"Why don't you have 15 blokes doing a safety demonstration video
0:26:56 > 0:27:01"in jerseys just going, 'Your exits, your exits are here, and here.'"
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Seems appropriate.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Another country that is taking over the world,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14but in our own special way, is Australia. Yeah.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Cos Australian slang has made its way through Europe.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19It's ended up, honestly, there are countries that don't have
0:27:19 > 0:27:22English as a first language that are using Australian slang now.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Apparently in Sweden, the kids say, "No worries."
0:27:25 > 0:27:27There are teenagers in Sweden going....
0:27:27 > 0:27:28IMITATES SWEDISH
0:27:28 > 0:27:30"No worries." "Ja."
0:27:31 > 0:27:35I think that's how they talk. In Germany, it's fair enough.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36IMITATES GERMAN
0:27:36 > 0:27:38"Fair enough." "Good."
0:27:38 > 0:27:40I couldn't work out how this was going on.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42I remembered, I was in Holland once doing a show
0:27:42 > 0:27:45with a bunch of Dutch comics. We went out for beers afterwards.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47We're all drinking beers, ordering in Dutch.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48Cos of the Dutch waitress.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51One round came in and I went, "I'm going to sit this out.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55"Can I have a sparkling water?" And they went, "Yeah, sparkling water."
0:27:55 > 0:27:58And they're all chatting in Dutch. Waitress came back with a beer.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00I said, "I'm really sorry," forgetting she was Dutch.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03"I'm really sorry, I ordered a sparkling water.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06"This is a beer." And she just went, "Ah, it's all good."
0:28:08 > 0:28:12That's when I worked it out. We are taking over the world.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14One backpacker at a time.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18They're all coming to Australia, picking up the language
0:28:18 > 0:28:20and taking it home. This is where we can all help each other out.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22What do you do when you see a tourist?
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Probably what we do, you see Japanese tourists
0:28:24 > 0:28:27looking at a map, they don't know where they're going.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30You do what we do, which is go, "Work it out for yourselves."
0:28:30 > 0:28:34Don't! Help them out, but use slang. Throw in as much slang as possible.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37If I see a Japanese tourist on the street in Australia, I just
0:28:37 > 0:28:41walk up and go, "G'day, cobbers." "What is cobber?" "Means mate.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43"How's it hanging?" "What is hanging?"
0:28:43 > 0:28:46"Means how's it going?" "It's good." "Where do you need to go?"
0:28:46 > 0:28:48"Opera House." "Oh, strewth, crikey."
0:28:48 > 0:28:52"Go down those stairs, round the corner, up those stairs again,
0:28:52 > 0:28:55"Bob's your uncle and a dingo took my baby."
0:28:56 > 0:28:57Throw it all in.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Cos they'll go home and they'll repeat it to their mates.
0:29:00 > 0:29:01That's how the language takes off.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04"How was Australia?" "Oh, strewth and crikey.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07"Bob is my uncle and a dingo took my baby, ha-ha-ha."
0:29:08 > 0:29:10APPLAUSE
0:29:13 > 0:29:16And if we all do this, if we all promise to do this,
0:29:16 > 0:29:19one day we'll be able to travel from one side of Europe to the other
0:29:19 > 0:29:21without needing to learn another language.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23When you're in London, Cockney it up when you see tourists.
0:29:23 > 0:29:25Couple of Japanese tourists,
0:29:25 > 0:29:28"All right, muckers, apples and pears, how's it going, yeah!"
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Throw it all in. Then one day there'll be two Swedes beside
0:29:31 > 0:29:35a river in Gothenburg chatting, just going, "Do you know, Sven, sometimes
0:29:35 > 0:29:37"I think we live in the most beautiful country on the planet.
0:29:37 > 0:29:39"The way the sunlight glistens off the fjord
0:29:39 > 0:29:42"and up through the pine trees. We are so beautifully blessed."
0:29:42 > 0:29:46And Sven will look back and go, "Oh, Jurgen...
0:29:46 > 0:29:47"you are such a bell end."
0:29:55 > 0:29:58Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to introduce your next act,
0:29:58 > 0:30:00there is no way to describe this man,
0:30:00 > 0:30:03he is unlike any other comedian you've ever seen,
0:30:03 > 0:30:08you are gonna love him. Please raise the roof for Terry Alderton!
0:30:08 > 0:30:10APPLAUSE
0:30:21 > 0:30:25Ladies and gentlemen, it's so lovely to be here at the O2.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27Er...
0:30:27 > 0:30:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:32 > 0:30:35I know when I come out here a lot of people don't know what I'm about.
0:30:35 > 0:30:38You look at me and you think to yourself possibly I am...
0:30:38 > 0:30:41CAMP: "Hiya, how you doing, it's so nice to be here!"
0:30:41 > 0:30:43And others look at me and think,
0:30:43 > 0:30:46HARD-MAN: "What you looking at, mate?"
0:30:46 > 0:30:49We all judge books by covers, don't we?
0:30:49 > 0:30:51Recently I've met this kid, yeah, who's one of them
0:30:51 > 0:30:53kids that talks with a sophisticated ring-pull device.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55Them kids like that, with a bad right leg
0:30:55 > 0:30:58and someone's going to steal their penis. Them kids, yeah?
0:30:58 > 0:31:02He's like that the whole time, I'm like, "Hello,"
0:31:02 > 0:31:05he's like, "What you lookin' at? What you doin' on a bus?
0:31:05 > 0:31:07"You're playing music so loud. What you talkin' about?
0:31:07 > 0:31:09"What you doin' with those scissors?"
0:31:13 > 0:31:15I've been a bit strapped for cash recently,
0:31:15 > 0:31:19so I decided to rent out my right knee to him.
0:31:19 > 0:31:23It's bad enough that I have to live with what's going on in here.
0:31:23 > 0:31:24You can only imagine.
0:31:24 > 0:31:27My friend, I have a lot of thoughts in here, yeah?
0:31:27 > 0:31:31And even since the citalopram, the thoughts are still there.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33I have a lot of thoughts.
0:31:33 > 0:31:36A lot of thoughts...
0:31:36 > 0:31:39DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:31:45 > 0:31:49- Chicken.- Chicken? Again?- Chicken. - Chicken? Again?- Chicken.
0:31:49 > 0:31:53- Chicken? Again?- Chicken.- Chicken? Again?- Chicken.- Chicken? Again?
0:31:53 > 0:31:57- Chicken.- Chicken? Again?- Chicken. - Chicken? Again?- Chicken.
0:31:57 > 0:32:02- Chicken? Again?- Chicken.- Chicken? Again?- Chicken.- Chicken? Again?
0:32:02 > 0:32:03It's salmon!
0:32:03 > 0:32:05LAUGHTER
0:32:08 > 0:32:11Not everyone's getting it. "Keep going."
0:32:12 > 0:32:14APPLAUSE
0:32:17 > 0:32:21So I stupidly rented out my right knee to this young boy, yeah,
0:32:21 > 0:32:24he's one of them, you know what I'm sayin', check it out, yeah?
0:32:24 > 0:32:26It's bad enough I have to live with this,
0:32:26 > 0:32:30but he's opened up a drum and bass club in my right knee.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32You want to hear what it's like?
0:32:32 > 0:32:35POUNDING DRUM AND BASS MUSIC
0:32:51 > 0:32:52MUSIC STOPS
0:32:52 > 0:32:55Listen, I'm into monkey fighting at the moment.
0:32:55 > 0:32:58It's all imaginary monkey fighting.
0:32:58 > 0:33:02It's all in my mind - no beasts get hurt, one is about to ensue.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05One has a knife, the other has a gun but the one with the gun has
0:33:05 > 0:33:08no bullets, but the one with the knife doesn't know that!
0:33:08 > 0:33:10LAUGHTER
0:33:19 > 0:33:23So I was in the closet and I just couldn't get out of that closet.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26And I walked round maybe for two or three hours.
0:33:26 > 0:33:29And then I realised I was in my wife's closet and I thought,
0:33:29 > 0:33:33"If I come out of here, this will be very weird."
0:33:33 > 0:33:35And I knew I was in my wife's closet
0:33:35 > 0:33:37because I found contraptions in there.
0:33:37 > 0:33:40(She never told me she had these contraptions.)
0:33:46 > 0:33:48I found three of them in there!
0:33:48 > 0:33:51I said to her, "You've got three of these things in here!
0:33:51 > 0:33:53"You've got a warren!"
0:33:55 > 0:33:59I mean, with women it's contraptions and True Blood and the werewolf,
0:33:59 > 0:34:01I can't compete with that.
0:34:01 > 0:34:05With men it's like working in decimal, with men it's just one,
0:34:05 > 0:34:08two, three, four, five, get hungry, make a sandwich.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11Six, seven, eight, nine, history - click - delete, ten.
0:34:13 > 0:34:17But with women, it's all this.
0:34:18 > 0:34:21I was disgusted and before I left for the gig this evening,
0:34:21 > 0:34:24I covered them in Tabasco.
0:34:24 > 0:34:25So...
0:34:29 > 0:34:32What happens when the one with the knife realises the one
0:34:32 > 0:34:34with the gun has no bullets?!
0:34:39 > 0:34:42But I don't want to come across at any point in my life...
0:34:42 > 0:34:45I don't want women to think I'm wrong in any way but as a man
0:34:45 > 0:34:47I do things I can't help myself for,
0:34:47 > 0:34:49like when I have a thought when
0:34:49 > 0:34:52I see a girl, I feel terribly bad about it, you know, every
0:34:52 > 0:34:54single time and I think every man in here does it,
0:34:54 > 0:34:58when you see a woman you can't help yourself have that feeling like
0:34:58 > 0:35:00a voice that goes, "Would ya?"
0:35:03 > 0:35:06Bearing in mind you women know that this happens next time you go
0:35:06 > 0:35:08to a family do, like a wedding or something like that,
0:35:08 > 0:35:13bear in mind that's going to happen when you're with your new boyfriend that you're so excited about.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16And you're skipping along and you go, "Mother, this is Darren,
0:35:16 > 0:35:19"Darren, this is my mother. Darren, Mother, Mother, Darren."
0:35:19 > 0:35:21She goes, "So lovely to meet you, Darren,
0:35:21 > 0:35:24"you're such a good looking boy, we've been so excited to meet you."
0:35:24 > 0:35:28He goes, "Mrs Smith, it's so nice to meet you too..." Would ya?!"
0:35:28 > 0:35:31And then you think it's going so wonderfully,
0:35:31 > 0:35:34you think, "Let's go and see Auntie Linda."
0:35:34 > 0:35:36You say to Auntie Linda, "Linda this is my new boyfriend, Darren"
0:35:36 > 0:35:39She goes, "Darren, you're such a beautiful looking boy, it's lovely
0:35:39 > 0:35:43"to meet you" he looks at her and goes, "Lovely to meet you..."
0:35:43 > 0:35:46"Would ya?" And you think, "Let's make it a hat trick."
0:35:46 > 0:35:49So you think, "Let's go and see Grandma..."
0:35:49 > 0:35:51Oh, you ageist bastards!
0:35:52 > 0:35:54How do you know she's not a 68-year-old GILF?
0:35:54 > 0:35:56You've seen Blondie, right?
0:35:59 > 0:36:01You go to Grandma, "Grandma, this is Darren,
0:36:01 > 0:36:04"Darren, this is Grandma". She looks at Darren and goes
0:36:04 > 0:36:06"I'd let ya" and so...
0:36:06 > 0:36:08LAUGHTER
0:36:13 > 0:36:16My wife and I, we don't argue very often - the only time we argue
0:36:16 > 0:36:20is over finances and of course, SHE DOESN'T ADMIT THE AFFAIR!
0:36:20 > 0:36:21But apart from that...
0:36:23 > 0:36:25We don't argue over much,
0:36:25 > 0:36:29I MEAN, HOW MUCH CAN YOU SPEND IN BOOTS?!
0:36:29 > 0:36:33"Got the points." But I don't see anything from that, do I?
0:36:34 > 0:36:36So ladies and gentleman,
0:36:36 > 0:36:39I would now like to re-enact my wife and I arguing
0:36:39 > 0:36:42over the finances in our house.
0:36:42 > 0:36:46Tonight, she will be played by my left hand
0:36:46 > 0:36:49and I will be played by me!
0:36:50 > 0:36:53So this is my wife and I, arguing over the finances
0:36:53 > 0:36:56in our house, thank you.
0:36:56 > 0:37:00SPOOKY DIGITAL ELECTRONICA
0:37:03 > 0:37:05STATIC
0:37:05 > 0:37:08HE MOUTHS
0:37:08 > 0:37:11INDUSTRIAL SIREN
0:37:11 > 0:37:15CALL AND ANSWER BETWEEN BRASS AND WIND INSTRUMENTS
0:37:20 > 0:37:24MUSIC INTENSIFIES, BOTH INSTRUMENTS AT ONCE
0:37:24 > 0:37:26APPLAUSE
0:37:31 > 0:37:32BELL RINGS
0:37:32 > 0:37:35Winner!
0:37:35 > 0:37:38APPLAUSE
0:37:44 > 0:37:47"Listen, there's the one in the white shirt
0:37:47 > 0:37:51"and the quiffed hair, I don't think he's enjoying himself."
0:37:51 > 0:37:54YORKSHIRE SIBILANT ACCENT: "What you on about?
0:37:54 > 0:37:57"You can't judge someone just cos they're not laughing - he could be laughing inside,
0:37:57 > 0:38:01"you don't know that he's not enjoying himself here tonight."
0:38:01 > 0:38:03"I don't think he really likes it."
0:38:03 > 0:38:06"You don't know that!"
0:38:06 > 0:38:07"What shall I do here?"
0:38:07 > 0:38:10"You must forward roll to his girlfriend."
0:38:10 > 0:38:11"What?"
0:38:11 > 0:38:14"Just forward roll to his girlfriend"
0:38:19 > 0:38:22"That could be at least two forward rolls!"
0:38:22 > 0:38:24"It is your destiny."
0:38:42 > 0:38:43CAMP: It's lovely to meet you, love.
0:38:43 > 0:38:45Click-click! Not!
0:38:45 > 0:38:48APPLAUSE
0:38:53 > 0:38:57Now, I have a question for you. Do you like shoes, madam?
0:38:57 > 0:38:59You do!
0:38:59 > 0:39:01I like shoes as well.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11All right, love?
0:39:15 > 0:39:18I'm looking forward to the drive home tonight.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20"What?"
0:39:20 > 0:39:24I said I'm looking forward to the drive home tonight.
0:39:24 > 0:39:26"What you on about, you don't do nothing!
0:39:26 > 0:39:31"You just sit there while I do all the accelerating and braking! You don't do nothing!"
0:39:43 > 0:39:45"Heard you sneaking out last night."
0:39:47 > 0:39:49Eh?
0:39:49 > 0:39:53"I said I heard you sneaking out last night, where did you go?"
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Went out with a little flip-flop, didn't I?
0:39:59 > 0:40:00"What did you say?"
0:40:00 > 0:40:02I said I went out with a little flip-flop.
0:40:02 > 0:40:06"You can't say that! It's 2013!"
0:40:06 > 0:40:09"You can't call them flip-flops, you gotta call them beach shoes,
0:40:09 > 0:40:11"beach shoes!"
0:40:15 > 0:40:19I don't understand, a lot of my friends are flip-flops.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21"There you go again, it's beach shoe!"
0:40:23 > 0:40:25Well, they say flip-flop.
0:40:25 > 0:40:28"Well, they can, can't they, cos they are flip-flops!"
0:40:34 > 0:40:37"Anyway, what does she look like?"
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Well, you know, they all look the same, don't they?
0:40:40 > 0:40:42APPLAUSE
0:40:46 > 0:40:49You know, I have need to take this from you, you know that, eh?
0:40:49 > 0:40:52"What?" I don't have to take this from you,
0:40:52 > 0:40:55I could have worked with Kurt Cobain.
0:40:55 > 0:40:56"Pfft!"
0:40:56 > 0:40:58"No, you couldn't." Yes, I could.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00"No, you couldn't." Yes, I could.
0:41:00 > 0:41:03"No, you couldn't." Yes, I could. "You couldn't!
0:41:03 > 0:41:05"You couldn't work with Kurt Cobain!" Why couldn't I
0:41:05 > 0:41:08have worked with Kurt Cobain? "Cos he was a size eight!"
0:41:11 > 0:41:14"And if you worked with Kurt Cobain, what would you have done,
0:41:14 > 0:41:17"anyway?" What would I have done?
0:41:17 > 0:41:19I'll show you what I would've done.
0:41:19 > 0:41:23MUSIC: "Territorial Pissings" by Nirvana
0:41:57 > 0:41:59MUSIC STOPS
0:41:59 > 0:42:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:06 > 0:42:09Thank you! Dooosh! Winner!
0:42:09 > 0:42:13Ladies and gentlemen, you've been great, I love you, good night!
0:42:13 > 0:42:16APPLAUSE
0:42:39 > 0:42:42Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Alderton!
0:42:45 > 0:42:47Often at the end of an act you can come out and say,
0:42:47 > 0:42:50"He's got a DVD coming out or he's got a tour,"
0:42:50 > 0:42:53but at the end of Terry's act you just go, "Terry Alderton,
0:42:53 > 0:42:55"we're not sure if he's OK!"
0:42:56 > 0:42:59Ladies and gentlemen, have you enjoyed yourselves tonight?
0:42:59 > 0:43:01APPLAUSE
0:43:01 > 0:43:05One more time for the acts you saw, Andi Osho!
0:43:05 > 0:43:07And Terry Alderton!
0:43:07 > 0:43:11Thank you to all the celebs who turned up, thank you to all of you,
0:43:11 > 0:43:13my name's Adam Hills, thank you and good night!