0:00:18 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Eddie Izzard!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Hammersmith Apollo!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42CHEERING
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Now...
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Greek gods.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Well, we're in the Apollo. The Apollo, yes.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53God of trousers or something, wasn't it?
0:00:53 > 0:00:54The god of fish.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I was watching a documentary on this called Clash Of The Titans and...
0:00:58 > 0:01:01It's a documentary film done with a bit of splashing about.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05And they're all in there - Roger the god of fishcakes
0:01:05 > 0:01:07and Steven the god of baked potatoes
0:01:07 > 0:01:10and Siobhan the god of dangerous spelling...
0:01:12 > 0:01:14And what's-his-face, Mr...Liam Neeson.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Liam Neeson, he's playing the great god,
0:01:17 > 0:01:18the god Zeus, the god of all things.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20And Liam Neeson is famous now in Hollywood.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22All the way from Ballymena in Ireland
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- and he's in the middle going... - IRISH ACCENT:- "Right, now.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26"What's going on down there?
0:01:26 > 0:01:28"What the hell's happening with the people?"
0:01:28 > 0:01:30"The great people on Earth, they're complaining, my Lord.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33"They're not paying lip service to us any more.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34"They've gone bonkers."
0:01:34 > 0:01:38"Right. You tell them from me they'd better buck their ideas up..."
0:01:38 > 0:01:42It's a very early impression of Liam Neeson, by the way.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43"They'd better buck their ideas up
0:01:43 > 0:01:47"otherwise I will release the kraken!"
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Now I didn't know what a kraken is!
0:01:49 > 0:01:53The kraken's a huge turtle, right? A huge turtle who's been held
0:01:53 > 0:01:56underwater in a handbag by Oscar Wilde for a million years.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59And halfway through the film, he's as good as his word,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02he says, "Right. That's it. Release the kraken!"
0:02:02 > 0:02:06And this turtle comes up out of the water, pissed off,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08like turtles never are...
0:02:09 > 0:02:13..and he's got no logic going on he's just thrashing around,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17"Rarrgggggghhh," and all he does is stamp on things.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19The kraken's just, "Raaaarrrgghhh!"
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Complete right-wing foreign policy.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27This is the whole film and he said, release the kraken and the kraken is
0:02:27 > 0:02:30released but at no point in the film does he go, "Retrieve the kraken!"
0:02:30 > 0:02:32The kraken's still out there,
0:02:32 > 0:02:34going, "Er...I know nothing about financial matters.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36"I'm terribly sorry.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41"Yes, I think there's supposed to be some tax at some point."
0:02:41 > 0:02:44But they came up with a great idea that was a healthy mind
0:02:44 > 0:02:46and a healthy body - healthy mind, healthy body.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49Mens sana in corpore sano. And I remember reading this as a kid
0:02:49 > 0:02:52thinking, "Fit in mind, fit in body - we can't do that."
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Remember when you were a kid you were fit in body. Run! Run!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Why are we running?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00There could be ice cream over there!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02But in our minds there was nothing, was there?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05It was just like that early tennis game in 1980s computers.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10But now...now our minds are fit - we can multitask,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14we can sit on the toilets and use the iPad at the same time.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17But our bodies are like two weasels covered in gravy,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19nailed to the back of a tractor.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25So it's these two things - wisdom in life - that's what your journey is.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27I don't think there's a God, ladies and gentlemen.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I think it's just up to us to try and be wise.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Try and get wisdom. And we used to have pipes.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34We used to smoke pipes that helped us, all the way up to the
0:03:34 > 0:03:361950s, everyone, all the real characters from history -
0:03:36 > 0:03:41Sherlock Holmes and Gandalf, and they all had pipes.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43You stick a pipe in your mouth, you were wise, weren't you?
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I see what you mean. It's a very good point.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I've got one of those. Looked that up in a book,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I am not sure. Have you googled it? I haven't got a signal.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53No-one said that, did they, with a pipe?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Well, I'll get the Wi-Fi going then I'll just check it out.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59But it was wise, wasn't it? No-one said stupid things.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02No-one said, "I'm going to put my dick in this toaster right now."
0:04:05 > 0:04:07And it turned up in films. The Magnificent Seven -
0:04:07 > 0:04:09there's a great story about...
0:04:09 > 0:04:13about mercenary people who are hired to come down and help poor
0:04:13 > 0:04:15townsfolk in a village somewhere down Mexico way.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18The people going, "The banditos! The banditos! They have come
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"and they've stolen all our lettuce and our cucumbers and our radishes
0:04:21 > 0:04:25"and our baked potatoes and mainly summer salad items. They're...
0:04:26 > 0:04:29"..the healthiest banditos I've ever seen."
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"What should we do?" "We must talk to the wise man who smokes a pipe
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"and lives outside the village. He knows. He knows..."
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"Wise man, what should we do?" And the wise man, he removes his pipe,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40he, knocks it out on the head of a child...
0:04:40 > 0:04:41Pop, pop, pop.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44..and he refills it with a bit of Old Holborn, a bit of Old Toby
0:04:44 > 0:04:46and a bit of Old Geoffrey.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49He takes a match as big as a baby's arm,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51lights it on a passing Good Samaritan.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59"What you must do is go north, find the gringos.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01"The gringos, they are good with the guns.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, they will...
0:05:04 > 0:05:07"And get the Man From Uncle, Robert Vaughn, bring him too.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09"And James Coburn - good with a knife,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11"not so good with an Australian accent.
0:05:11 > 0:05:17"And Charles Bronson, he can tunnel underwater, he's autodidactic. Yes."
0:05:17 > 0:05:19It was a wise thing, wasn't it?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22But nowadays you wouldn't ask a pipe smoker what to do, would you?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25You wouldn't. You wouldn't say, "What's going on in our town?
0:05:25 > 0:05:27"All the summer salad items are gone.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29"Why don't we ask those people who smoke pipes,
0:05:29 > 0:05:31"who all live in that one house. Yes."
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Bing-bong.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36"Yeah?"
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Pffffffff.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"What is it?"
0:05:40 > 0:05:42"We've lost... The man came, the man from del Monte,
0:05:42 > 0:05:44"he took all the thing and there's no lettuce and cucumber."
0:05:44 > 0:05:46"That's you, isn't it?" Pfffff.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48"What you must do is find them!
0:05:48 > 0:05:51"Find them and remove their kneecaps.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53"Put their feet on back-to-front.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"Sellotape their eyeballs together.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57"I don't know, I'm on crack!"
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Do people who smoke crack ever go,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04"Now maybe this is the crack talking...
0:06:08 > 0:06:11.."but I think we should all nail our foreskins to this rocket -
0:06:11 > 0:06:12"what do you say?"
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Bad idea!
0:06:17 > 0:06:21So that was wisdom, yeah. That explains wisdom quite well.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23And then there's fitness - fitness!
0:06:23 > 0:06:27All wild animals are fit. You've never seen a lion going...
0:06:27 > 0:06:28HE PANTS
0:06:33 > 0:06:35"Bloody bison.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41"Shouldn't have eaten those hedgehogs.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44"Are they on drugs? Are they taking drugs?
0:06:44 > 0:06:45"Tour de France, man."
0:06:47 > 0:06:49And they're all fit. This is true. Lions and tigers,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52tigers, cheetahs. Cheetahs are not cheaters, they're honesters.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56They're not taking drugs and hallucinating! Fast!
0:06:56 > 0:06:58And small ones - moles and moles, moles.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Moles just going, "Dig, dig! Why are we digging?"
0:07:01 > 0:07:04"There could be ice creams underground!"
0:07:25 > 0:07:26Do moles ever go...
0:08:00 > 0:08:01"..I think we're lost?"
0:08:10 > 0:08:11Fit, fit, fit.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Then the Olympics came to town. Yes, the Olympics did come.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Remember when the Olympics came, just before, and a lot of us
0:08:16 > 0:08:18were kind of negative? I wasn't. I was a buzz, buzz, buzz.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21But some were going, "Oh, it's going to be expensive.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25"Foreign people will come over and we'll have to talk loudly to them."
0:08:27 > 0:08:31And it was great suddenly it wasn't X Factor, Y Factor, B Factor -
0:08:31 > 0:08:33it was people running, jumping, climbing over trees,
0:08:33 > 0:08:37eating gerbils. Whatever they were doing, it was good, wasn't it?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40And they were fast, fast, fast. And anyone can do those things.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Anyone can do the sports except for one or two -
0:08:42 > 0:08:45rowing is a bit of a posh sport. You have to go to a school.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47AUDIENCE: Wooo!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49You are rowers, so there you go.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51You must say it's a bit of a posh sport.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54You have to go to a school that's got a river going through it.
0:08:54 > 0:08:59You can't sit in your bath going, "It's pretty good in the bath."
0:08:59 > 0:09:04"Water's got to be on the outside, mate." "Ah, right, I didn't know."
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Yes, that's what you... Horse riding - you've got to have a horse.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11You can't say, "I found a Great Dane in a skip, and, erm...
0:09:11 > 0:09:16"he only had front legs but he was a game boy. he used to go for it."
0:09:16 > 0:09:19And it breaks down into two bits, you know. There's the jumping over
0:09:19 > 0:09:22things, which is from ancient hunting which is, in days of old,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24medieval kings would hunt and shoot
0:09:24 > 0:09:26wild boar and orcs and fish with guns.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30And then there's dressage based on God knows what.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35It's a fantastic thing, don't get me wrong.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36They won medals for Great Britain
0:09:36 > 0:09:38and I was there going, "Go on, win that thing!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"You've won that thing! I don't know how.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"I don't know what you were doing when you were doing that thing."
0:09:43 > 0:09:46But you have to admit you don't go, "When's the dressage on?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48"When's it on? What time?"
0:09:48 > 0:09:51It just comes on, doesn't it? And you go, "Oh, dressage."
0:09:51 > 0:09:54And they're doing stuff. These people - highly trained.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Highly-trained riders, highly-trained horses,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58trained to do stuff...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02..that is not wanted in life.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09It's brilliant, but it's just useless. You know what I mean?
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Unless you want to park your horse in a cupboard,
0:10:12 > 0:10:13it's not much...
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Coming up to the cupboard now, got the door open, going in.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21He's going to back into the cupboard, no-one's ever done that.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Stepping in. It's a very difficult one to do.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26He's closed the doors - he's in the cupboard!
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Wins four points.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30No-one's... And it's also odd because, you know,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33there's a sort of weird, emotional thing in it.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35If you were standing somewhere
0:10:35 > 0:10:37and a stranger walked up to you and they walked directly up to you
0:10:37 > 0:10:39and looked you in the eye and they just...
0:10:39 > 0:10:42And you'd think, "OK, well, they're coming towards me.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44"They're going to say something." But if someone walked up to you
0:10:44 > 0:10:46in a slightly more dressage style...
0:10:51 > 0:10:54..you'd go, "What are you doing? Who are you?!"
0:10:56 > 0:10:59It's weird. And it's like they're training the horses
0:10:59 > 0:11:02to be burglars. It's just such a...
0:11:02 > 0:11:04And there's nothing to burgle, is there? There's no end.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06We don't know when it's finished. Are they finished?
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Because there's no...
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Even the commentators... "And he's coming
0:11:10 > 0:11:15"and he's walking sideways and he's...oh, and that's it.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18"And he's got the gold. Oh, that looked very similar to
0:11:18 > 0:11:21"the one who didn't get anything."
0:11:21 > 0:11:24But if they built a structure at one end, we'd go for that.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28I think we'd go for the dressage al la burglar.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30We would quite like... "Here's Lucky Jim
0:11:30 > 0:11:32"ridden by Lady Jane Trains,
0:11:32 > 0:11:36"now coming up to the structure. Just casing the joint.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40"Checking, trying to find a way into the building.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43"Got four minutes once they get in. Yes, found a window, found a window.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45"The window is broken. The time has started.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48"Into the building.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50"Goes into the kitchen. Going round.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53"Opening things, trying to find the safe, find the jewels.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55"Back out of the kitchen. Into the bedroom.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59"He's going for reverse entry into the cupboard. He's in the cupboard.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02"He's almost hit Narnia. There he is coming back out.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"He's into the lounge. Where can the safe be with the jewels?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07"Trying to find the safe behind the pictures. He's got the safe.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09"He's opening the safe now with hooves.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11"Very difficult to do with hooves.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"Jewellery round the neck, earrings on, closing the door,
0:12:14 > 0:12:16"now out, reverse...
0:12:16 > 0:12:20"Opens the windows..."
0:12:20 > 0:12:23We would watch that!
0:12:23 > 0:12:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Ladies and gentlemen of the Apollo, Live At The Apollo,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35cos we are live at the Apollo, ladies and gentlemen, please,
0:12:35 > 0:12:38welcome onto the stage the one and only Josh Widdicombe!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Hello.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56CHEERING
0:12:56 > 0:12:58We all right?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00AUDIENCE WHOOP Exciting, isn't it?
0:13:01 > 0:13:06It is a pleasure to be here. You seem like a...a nice bunch. You do.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I find life difficult. I do. It's the little things that are difficult.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I had a situation a few weeks ago - I don't know if you've had this -
0:13:12 > 0:13:15where I got asked a surprise question by a cash point.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Don't know if you've had this, I was going on a date so I thought
0:13:20 > 0:13:21I'd get some money out.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24It was all going fine and then, just before giving me my money,
0:13:24 > 0:13:28first on the screen, it came up with a picture of Coco the monkey.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30From the Coco Pops, yeah.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35And below that, it said, "Are you considering buying Coco Pops today?"
0:13:37 > 0:13:39And gave me the options of yes or no.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46And obviously my first reaction was, "What the hell is going on?"
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Cos my understanding of cash points is they're meant to do
0:13:49 > 0:13:50what you'd normally go into a bank to do,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53I don't know who's going into a bank, queuing up, getting to the front
0:13:53 > 0:13:56and going "Hi, I need some financial advice.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00"I've got £2.69 and I want to turn my milk chocolaty."
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Also - yes or no, what difference is that going to make?
0:14:10 > 0:14:11If I click yes, is it going to go,
0:14:11 > 0:14:17"Well, I hope you've got a bowl ready cos here they come?"
0:14:17 > 0:14:19I haven't eaten them in years. I haven't.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I didn't really get to eat them when I was a child
0:14:21 > 0:14:23cos when I was a child my parents had the healthy cereals.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26The only time I'd get to eat them was when, occasionally,
0:14:26 > 0:14:30as a treat, my parents would get me the Kellogg's Variety pack.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31CHEERING
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Oh, some excitement down here for that. Yeah.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35And too right. Too right to be excited
0:14:35 > 0:14:37because it was exciting the Variety pack.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39If you don't remember it, what it was...
0:14:39 > 0:14:41It was awesome. What it was,
0:14:41 > 0:14:43you got a third of a bowl of eight different cereals.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44APPLAUSE
0:14:49 > 0:14:52And the variety was that four of them were nice...
0:14:55 > 0:14:58..and the other four would ruin the rest of your week.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01That was how it worked. Always the same four at the end.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Always the same four.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Special K. Don't know why that's in a Variety pack.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08I'm eating a Variety pack, I'm not a menopausal woman.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Two boxes of Corn Flakes
0:15:12 > 0:15:16cos that was always the one that doubled up, wasn't it?
0:15:16 > 0:15:20One kid at my school once claimed he got double Ricicles - bullshit, mate!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Same kid who once claimed he got yogurt in both sides
0:15:23 > 0:15:27of a Fruit Corner. No-one has ever lived that dream.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31The only time you see the Variety pack now is
0:15:31 > 0:15:34when you're in a hotel in the breakfast buffet.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37They'll have the little boxes of Corn Flakes out. Cos it's always the
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Corn Flakes. They're eating the good ones for themselves - that's obvious.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43And I will eat the Corn Flakes in that situation
0:15:43 > 0:15:48because in a hotel buffet I will eat absolutely everything.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50That's how it works, isn't it?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52At home I will eat cereal or toast for breakfast.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56A hotel breakfast buffet I'm having cereal and toast as my starter!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01I've eaten combinations you'd never consider at home.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Just coming back going, "What have I got?"
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Eight hash browns topped with some Dutch cheese.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07APPLAUSE
0:16:07 > 0:16:11Then I'll have four pain au chocolat, six croissants,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14eight segments of a fruit I've never heard of,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17all washed down with 12 of the smallest orange juices
0:16:17 > 0:16:19you have ever seen in your life!
0:16:19 > 0:16:21APPLAUSE
0:16:21 > 0:16:23CHEERING
0:16:26 > 0:16:29It's unbelievable! The worst people... Food is pretentious...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I went into a cafe for breakfast the other day,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34one of the things on the menu, it said, "Toasted bread."
0:16:34 > 0:16:36That is called toast!
0:16:36 > 0:16:40And even the worst foods pretend they're better than they are,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I was eating Super Noodles the other day, on the back, right,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46first thing it said, "Serves two."
0:16:48 > 0:16:53That has never happened. No couple has ever sat down to an evening of Super Noodles together.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Then lower, right, it said, "Serving suggestion!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58On Super Noodles?!
0:16:58 > 0:17:02I mean, that should say, "If you've got a bowl, we will be impressed."
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Why not try adding salt with your own tears?!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Seriously, it said serving suggestion,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14"Why not try dicing up a chicken,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18"frying it in Cajun spices and tossing it onto your Super Noodles?"
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I'll tell you why not
0:17:20 > 0:17:22cos I'm eating Super Noodles.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27If I could do that, I wouldn't be going near a pack!
0:17:27 > 0:17:32It might as well go, "Serving suggestion. Why not try learning to cook?"
0:17:32 > 0:17:34This is my issue with the people at Batchelors.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Incidentally, Batchelors, as a company name that is rubbing it in.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44They might as well just call it food for the lonely!
0:17:44 > 0:17:47"What are you eating there?" "I've got a spinster's pasty."
0:17:47 > 0:17:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:54 > 0:17:56But the most annoying people when it comes to food,
0:17:56 > 0:17:59the most annoying, and I'm sure you'll agree with me,
0:17:59 > 0:18:02are the kind of people that make their own jam.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07And having looked at this audience, I realise this is a gamble,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09but...a little tip if you make your own jam.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I haven't got a problem with you making your own jam,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15if you want to waste your own time fair enough, right.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17But just a little tip if you make your own jam, just a little tip,
0:18:17 > 0:18:19no-one wants it as a present!
0:18:22 > 0:18:26They always go, "Merry Christmas. I've made you a jar of jam."
0:18:26 > 0:18:30"I bought you a digital radio! That is not a fair swap!"
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Never at Christmas am I opening my presents going,
0:18:32 > 0:18:37"Please be jam! "Please be jam!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39"Preferably made by an amateur."
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Do you know the worst thing?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45It always comes in a jar that used to contain...proper jam!
0:18:45 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:52 > 0:18:57"I can see you have had good jam and I have to suffer your shit!"
0:18:57 > 0:19:00That's like going, "Merry Christmas, I've got you the Lord Of The Rings DVD box set.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04"Well, I say that. I've removed the DVDs and kept them for myself
0:19:04 > 0:19:09"and then made a home video of what I imagine the film would be like.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13"Which I put in there for you to enjoy.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17"What is it?" "12 hours of me with shoes on my knees."
0:19:20 > 0:19:23A friend the other day said, "Josh, I've got you a jar of jam.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27"I was only making it for myself, but I mistakenly made 30 jars."
0:19:27 > 0:19:30"Sorry, how shit are you at cooking?!"
0:19:30 > 0:19:34I mean, I am shit at cooking, but I've never gone, "Right, let's just check on that roast."
0:19:35 > 0:19:37"I've made 30 chickens!"
0:19:39 > 0:19:45I mean, I'm going to need a hell of a lot of Super Noodles to dice these bastards onto, aren't I?
0:19:45 > 0:19:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:46 > 0:19:48CHEERING
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Live At The Apollo, you have been an absolute joy.
0:19:55 > 0:19:59Thank you so much for having me. My name's Josh Widdicombe. Thanks very much. Good night!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Widdicombe!
0:20:09 > 0:20:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:12 > 0:20:17Now, ladies and gentlemen, the last act this evening, a fantastic act,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19he is annoyingly good this act.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21That is the highest compliment another performer can give.
0:20:21 > 0:20:26So, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome onto the stage the one and only Trevor Noah!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:28 > 0:20:30MUSIC: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Good evening. CHEERING
0:20:43 > 0:20:47I grew up in South Africa. That's where I still live, I enjoy it.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Grew up there during a time known as Apartheid.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53For those who don't know, Apartheid was a law in our country
0:20:53 > 0:20:57that made it illegal for black and white people to interact with each other, you know,
0:20:57 > 0:20:58this was against the law.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02And so this was awkward for me growing up, because I grew up in a mixed family,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04with me being the mixed one in the family.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08My mother's a black woman, Xhosa woman born in South Africa,
0:21:08 > 0:21:11that's one of the languages with the clicks. Xhosa! Xhosa!
0:21:11 > 0:21:14So a black woman and then my father's Swiss, but they didn't care,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17they were mavericks, fighting the system.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19My mum was arrested for being with my dad, she would get fined,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22she would get thrown into prison for the weekend,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25but still she'd come back and she was like, "Woo! I don't care!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"I don't care! Woo! Can't tell me who to love!
0:21:28 > 0:21:31"I want a white man! Woo!"
0:21:31 > 0:21:32She's crazy my mum, just crazy.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36And my dad was also like... Well, you know how the Swiss love chocolate,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38so he was... He was in there you know.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:43 > 0:21:47And so...and so they got together and they had me,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49which was illegal, so I was born a crime.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Which is...something I don't think they ever thought through,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54cos as a family we couldn't live together.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56In the streets, we couldn't even be seen together.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01My father would have to walk on the other side of the road and he could just wave at me from afar.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Like a creepy paedophile.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Well, like a paedophile. I didn't have to say creepy, like a paedophile.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Creepy implies there's some other sort of paedophile, there is none, there's no classy paedophiles.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14There's no, "Afternoon, ladies. Afternoon.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16"No, no, just browsing, just browsing."
0:22:16 > 0:22:19"He's so classy!" No, he's a paedophile.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23And er... My mum could walk with me, my mum could walk with me,
0:22:23 > 0:22:27but if the police showed up she'd have to let go of my hand and drop me and act like I wasn't hers.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Every single time, cos we weren't supposed to exist as a family.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33So my mum would let go. It was like a little game we played.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36The police would show up like, "Woo!"
0:22:36 > 0:22:40She'd be like, "Oh! I don't know. No, he's not mine. No, I don't know."
0:22:40 > 0:22:44It was horrible for me. I felt like a bag of weed. It was a tough time.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:48 > 0:22:52And...the downside of being light was that being light I was different,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55people mocked me, gave me names like mixed-breed, half-caste.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I hate that term. Why half? Why not double?
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Or twice as nice. I don't know.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04People give you weird names, I just wanted a cool name, you know.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07I wanted to be black, to be honest, that's all I ever wanted.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Especially since one day growing up, I met an American
0:23:10 > 0:23:13and he was shocked that in South Africa we had all these titles.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18And he said to me, "Well, you know, Trevor, if you go out to America, they'll label you as black."
0:23:18 > 0:23:22I said, "Really?!" He was like, "Oh, hell, yeah!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25"Yeah, buddy, everybody's black out there. Yeah!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27"You'd be super black."
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Well, that sounds good to me, super black!
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Yeah. And I made a choice, "First chance I get to go out to America,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37"I'm going to get a piece of that black."
0:23:37 > 0:23:41And I did, boarded a flight, it was an 18-hour journey, Johannesburg to New York.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I didn't sleep a wink, I just sat there in my chair like a madman
0:23:44 > 0:23:47watching every single black American movie I could find.
0:23:47 > 0:23:52Just sitting there going crazy, practising, "Yeah! Yeah! You know what I mean?
0:23:52 > 0:23:56"You know what I mean? Yeah! King Kong ain't got shit on me!
0:23:56 > 0:24:01"Yeah! Yeah! I'm... Sorry? Oh the chicken, please. The chicken, thank you.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05"No, that's fine, thank you. Put it in your mouth, yeah!"
0:24:05 > 0:24:0918 hours of flying, 18 hours of practice.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13I landed in New York and I was fluent in my black American. Fo' shizzle my nizzle.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I had everything.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I had the walk. I was so black, I was even laughing like...
0:24:18 > 0:24:21HE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
0:24:21 > 0:24:26"Ha! Yeah! Ha-ha! Oh, my man! My man! Oh, that's you? That's you?"
0:24:26 > 0:24:28HE LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
0:24:28 > 0:24:30That for me is the coolest thing in the world.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Black Americans are so cool and confident,
0:24:32 > 0:24:36they'll make you feel good about yourself just by asking if you are you.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39It's magic. They'll just walk up to you and go, "That's you? That's you?
0:24:39 > 0:24:41"Nah, nah, for real, man, that's you?!"
0:24:41 > 0:24:44And you'll be like, "Yeah, I think it is!"
0:24:44 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:24:55And I was that black, I was super black.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I was loving it, until this guy walked up to me, he didn't even know me,
0:24:58 > 0:25:04tapped me on the shoulder in the airport he's like... HE SPEAKS RAPIDLY IN SPANISH
0:25:04 > 0:25:07HE CONTINUES IN SPANISH
0:25:07 > 0:25:11I said, "What? You talking to me?" He said "Yeah, I'm talking to you, man!
0:25:11 > 0:25:14"I'm just saying, we made it, baby. We made it baby, eh?"
0:25:14 > 0:25:20"Now that we're here, our kind, we got to stick together, hombre."
0:25:20 > 0:25:22"Our kind?!"
0:25:23 > 0:25:2718 hours of flying and I wasn't black...
0:25:27 > 0:25:29I was Mexican.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Mexican. So I started learning Spanish.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45If not, why not? And then I've also started learning German.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50I learn German to connect with my father. Lost contact with him for many years because of apartheid
0:25:50 > 0:25:53and so now we're starting to learn each other, which is taking time,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56but we're doing it slowly. I think the language will help me.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01Cos I don't think he's proud of me. He loves me, but I haven't earned his pride.
0:26:01 > 0:26:07I think partly because of my job, as a comedian I don't rank that high in the world of German...anythings.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Comes across in the small conversations, you know.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14One day we're having lunch, my dad looks at me and goes, "So, Trevor, what do you do now?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18"You got a job? Do you work?" I said, "Yeah, Dad, I'm a comedian, a stand-up comedian."
0:26:18 > 0:26:21And he's like "Oh, ja, ja, so the clown, eh? Ja."
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"No. Whatever."
0:26:24 > 0:26:28German's holding me back, I dream of impressing him with his language.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33I'll get to his house one day, he'll welcome me at the gate, like, "Ah, clown boy!"
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I'll be like, "Guten tag, vater."
0:26:36 > 0:26:41It's epic, it's got that feeling. So I've started learning. I learn in different ways.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45You know, watch German movies, play German speeches on my iPod when I sleep.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Your brain remembers things you don't even know, it's beautiful.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51The only hiccup was it turned out I had downloaded some of Hitler's speeches.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54It's not like Google warned me. Don't judge me.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Google wasn't like, "Oh, not those ones!" No, it just let me download everything and...
0:26:58 > 0:27:03And so I learned some of his nuances, not his philosophies.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08It's just I've been told that when I speak German sometimes I sound distinctly Hitler-ish.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Which I found out in Germany,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13which is not the best place to find out that you've got Hitler vibes.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I would have rather found out at home.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19And, actually, it's funny now, not so much then.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22I was in Cologne, Germany, beautiful area, I'll never forget,
0:27:22 > 0:27:25I was walking around and I went into like a little sandwich shop,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28like one of those Subways where you make your own sandwich.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32And I walked in, the woman was really nice to me she was like, "Guten tag. Kannst ich sie helfen?"
0:27:32 > 0:27:35I looked at her and I thought, "Confidence, Trevor. Confidence!"
0:27:35 > 0:27:38I said, "Guten tag!"
0:27:38 > 0:27:42HE MIMICS HITLER'S SPEECH
0:27:42 > 0:27:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:51 > 0:27:54"Und ein Pepsi Cola drinken, bitte!"
0:27:54 > 0:27:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:58And...
0:27:59 > 0:28:03And she shat herself.
0:28:03 > 0:28:08I'll never forget the look on her face. She went pale, she looked me straight in the eye and she said,
0:28:08 > 0:28:10"Der Schwartzer Hitler!"
0:28:10 > 0:28:14Which means the black Hitler.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18I was so happy.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22Yeah, cos she said Hitler but at least she said I was black.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26You guys have been fantastic. Thanks for having me. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Ladies and gentlemen, Trevor Noah! Let's hear it!
0:28:33 > 0:28:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:36 > 0:28:41So thank you very much for being here. Hope you enjoyed Live At The Apollo. We will see you next time.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44A huge round of applause for Josh Widdicombe, Trevor Noah.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47And I've been Eddie Izzard. Thank you. Good night!
0:28:47 > 0:28:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd