0:00:18 > 0:00:25Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Jack Dee!
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Thank you.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Thank you so much and welcome.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48It's really great to be back at Live At The Apollo.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Yeah.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I don't know what happened. All those years have gone by.
0:00:55 > 0:00:572004, we started this whole thing,
0:00:57 > 0:01:01and, in all that time, we've done nine... This is the ninth series.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Can you believe?
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And it's gone global, and it's introduced many
0:01:06 > 0:01:10huge stars who've become household names since then...
0:01:10 > 0:01:15And... Personally I can't tell you how much I regret that.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Yeah, seeing people just overtake you and...
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Next time I have an idea, I'm just going to take a gun
0:01:24 > 0:01:28and shoot myself through the foot. It'll be less painful, frankly.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31So, I hosted the first two series, you may remember...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33APPLAUSE
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Thank you, thank you. I moved on...
0:01:36 > 0:01:41I moved on to work on other projects.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45I say moved on to work on other projects,
0:01:45 > 0:01:47cos "sacked" is such an ugly word.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51But this is great.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54I've been on the road for nearly all year, actually,
0:01:54 > 0:01:56this year, and people always want to know,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59"What's it like when you're touring?"
0:01:59 > 0:02:01And, you know, the reality is...
0:02:01 > 0:02:05you spend a lot of time in the car, listening to your old CDs,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07and a lot of time in hotel rooms watching movies
0:02:07 > 0:02:10late into the night, drinking beer from the mini bar...
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Live off fast food... I get to see my kids every...
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Every couple of weeks, I speak to my wife most days on my phone...
0:02:18 > 0:02:20It's perfect.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Oh, yeah, I've cracked it. I have cracked it.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29Let me tell you, relationships - so much easier from a distance.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Yeah, hmm. "Miss you too." Send!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Why didn't I think of this years ago?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43"Ohhh, the boiler's packed up, there's no hot water!"
0:02:43 > 0:02:45"Hot water in hotel fine."
0:02:47 > 0:02:50So, can I just say hello to Nicholas Parsons,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53who's in the audience? We're very honoured to have you here, sir.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Thank you very much, sir. Very lovely to have you here.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Nicholas, I hope won't mind me saying, is in his 90th year.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08He won't mind me saying that cos he won't hear it!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14We're honoured to have someone from showbiz of his age who isn't on bail.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16It's fantastic, really.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18It is, well done, yeah.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25And the wonderful Fiona Bruce.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Hello, Fiona. Lovely to see you. Very nice.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Fiona from Antiques Roadshow.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31- She's going to... AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Fiona!
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Yeah, you like Fiona? We all love Fiona.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- FIONA! - Yeah, all right, that's enough.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38It's my gig. Shut your face!
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Fiona is here to give us a valuation on Nicholas Parsons.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47We're going to flog him off later.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53Anyway, yeah, so, just so you know, I took some paracetamol earlier,
0:03:53 > 0:03:55before I came on...
0:03:55 > 0:03:58There's nothing wrong with me...
0:03:58 > 0:04:01At least not yet. I took 37 of them, so we'll see what happens.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06I buy my parecetamols in King Street, just up...
0:04:06 > 0:04:09How many of you are from round here? You know the area?
0:04:09 > 0:04:11AUDIENCE CHEER
0:04:11 > 0:04:13On King Street, there's a chemist. I went in there,
0:04:13 > 0:04:17and got the paracetamol, there's a big line of people queuing up,
0:04:17 > 0:04:22and there's this one guy rearranging all the toothbrushes on the shelf,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25so I said, "Do you mind if I just give you the money for these and go?"
0:04:25 > 0:04:27And do you know what he said to me?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29He just turned round like this and said,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31"Do I look like I work here?"
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I said, "Well, yes,
0:04:37 > 0:04:40"you're rearranging all the toothbrushes on the shelf."
0:04:40 > 0:04:43He said, "I have OCD. Do you have a problem with that?
0:04:43 > 0:04:45"I'm here for my prescription." I mean, really angry...
0:04:45 > 0:04:48It was embarrassing, people around, I didn't know what to do,
0:04:48 > 0:04:49I didn't know what to say.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51I said, "Shouldn't you be getting home?" He said, "No, why?"
0:04:51 > 0:04:54"Well, didn't you leave the gas on?"
0:04:54 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER
0:05:02 > 0:05:06Actually, you know what I wanted to talk to you all about tonight?
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Um, it's...
0:05:07 > 0:05:10I... I had a very difficult week last week,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13and, um, I wanted to just talk it through with you about
0:05:13 > 0:05:17some of the stuff that happened to me, if that's OK?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I... Very traumatic week...
0:05:19 > 0:05:23when events conspire to, you know, depress you.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26You're not that happy-go-lucky guy you normally are, right.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:28 > 0:05:30On Monday...
0:05:30 > 0:05:33On Monday, I went out to my garage...
0:05:33 > 0:05:36I have a garage next to my house. Can I, first of all, just say
0:05:36 > 0:05:40that to you. I think I can say that here in Hammersmith without
0:05:40 > 0:05:43being accused of bragging, hopefully.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45It's a regular garage, don't get me wrong.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47I'm not one of these showbiz types who have a special
0:05:47 > 0:05:52kind of big selection of cars and an exact replica of an Esso garage
0:05:52 > 0:05:54with a working pump and flowers for sale
0:05:54 > 0:05:57and Starburst on special offer, you know...
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Big fantasy thing... Demoralised Asian behind the till...
0:06:01 > 0:06:05It's a regular garage, right?
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Now, you're probably thinking,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"Jack, why did you go out to your garage?"
0:06:09 > 0:06:14I'm going to tell you, I was having a clear out.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15I'm not a hoarder...
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Something else I don't mind you knowing about me.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I like to get rid of stuff when it accumulates.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I don't like to keep old stacks of newspapers.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Fwooom! It's gone. It's out of your life. It's a great feeling.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Big box of cassettes. Fwooom! Gone! Whatever it is!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Next door's wind chime. Fwooom! Gone!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Oh, yeah, that was a midnight hop over the fence well worth it.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36I can tell you that.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I don't understand what it is, there comes a point in your life,
0:06:39 > 0:06:42you go to a garden centre and you become attracted to these things.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"Oh, look at this, you see this wind chime?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46"This is a very nice thing, isn't it?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49"I'm going to get one. It jingles and jangles in your tree.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51"It's made of bamboo and metal That's really relaxing.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54"I'd really like that. I think my neighbour would, as well."
0:06:54 > 0:06:59You know, you might as well hang a slamming door in your tree or...
0:06:59 > 0:07:02just get a toddler to play the violin all night.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08So I go to the tip and it's gone! It's out of your life, great feeling.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I go to the tip all the time, the council tip.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I'm a regular down there at the council tip...
0:07:13 > 0:07:16and, sorry to report, while we're on the subject...
0:07:16 > 0:07:18bit of an attitude problem...
0:07:18 > 0:07:22among the people who work at the tip.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Because, the way I look at it,
0:07:26 > 0:07:31they're in the business of rubbish and I am bringing them rubbish.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34But I'm not hearing the thank yous.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Would it really hurt?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39And, plus, they're sly, because they're watching to see what
0:07:39 > 0:07:42you're getting out of the car all the time.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45You get something valuable out, like an old bike or something,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47lean it against the skip... Instead of coming over and saying,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50"Can we have the bike?", they're sly about it.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52"There's a bike, skip four.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55"Bike, skip four.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57"Get it when they've gone. Don't make eye contact.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59"Bike, skip four."
0:07:59 > 0:08:02I like to get all of the rubbish out of the back of my car...
0:08:02 > 0:08:04and then put the bike back in.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"Oh, I'm taking it to another tip.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13"Better tip than this tip."
0:08:16 > 0:08:18So, anyway, I'm having a clear out...
0:08:18 > 0:08:21and this is the perfect time to have a clear out,
0:08:21 > 0:08:25because I think you've left it a polite amount of time
0:08:25 > 0:08:28since last Christmas to get rid of the Christmas presents.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Time to have a clear out before you get given
0:08:31 > 0:08:34a whole load of other stuff you don't want, right?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36That's what I was up to, cos I was given...
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Jane, my wife, gave me a foot spa, that's what I got.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45I unwrapped it, Christmas morning, and there it was, a foot spa.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51She said, "I just thought you might like it." Did you?
0:08:53 > 0:08:57This basically is a bucket...
0:08:57 > 0:09:01that you fill with water...
0:09:01 > 0:09:03stand in...
0:09:03 > 0:09:05and plug into the mains.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16If you seriously think I'm falling for that one again... Nah, nah.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18I didn't like it when you threw the toaster in the bath with me
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and I am not going to like this.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24So it's gone, it's out of my life, what a great feeling it is.
0:09:24 > 0:09:28I love it. Same with the Kindle. Fwooom! It's gone!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Well, I've read it, so, you know...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33And, besides, I'm old-fashioned.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I'm a book person, me. I love a book.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38For me, nothing more special than a book.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40You get to the end of a good book, tear out the last five pages,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42take it to a charity shop.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53"Aww, thank you so much."
0:09:53 > 0:09:55You're very welcome.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I hope somebody enjoys it as much as I did.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Well, listen, you're a wonderful audience
0:10:03 > 0:10:07and I've got some great comedians here tonight to bring on,
0:10:07 > 0:10:11and one of them is a young guy that I've been watching in the clubs,
0:10:11 > 0:10:14and he makes me sick. He does.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16He's so... He's good, you know, he is good.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17You're going to love him.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Give him a huge Apollo welcome, to the very wonderful
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Seann Walsh! Let's hear it for him, please!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Seann Walsh!
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Cheers!
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Thank you very much.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Thank you. Hello.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Hello!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42It's good to be here.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I'm unhealthy.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46I binge drink...
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Do you do that? I'm a binge drinker.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I'm one of those...
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- SCATTERED CHEERS - No, it's not good.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54It's not good, is it?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Sometimes, I'll drink till I vomit.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00That's terrible, it is! I don't feel sick...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I don't think I'm going to be sick,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I feel fine, I'll just be having a chat at the bar...
0:11:05 > 0:11:07"What we'll do is, on Tuesday, right, if we meet up at..."
0:11:07 > 0:11:09HE HEAVES
0:11:15 > 0:11:19You know, when your whole head fills up with one portion of vomit.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I call it the puffer fish.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28You have to get to the toilet before the second portion comes up.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Otherwise, you're trying to hold it in with your hands.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33It's spraying through the gaps in your fingers!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Sorry! Excuse me, sorry!
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Oh, God!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44It's not good for you, binge drinking, is it?
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I really suffer from the hangover. I get every hangover,
0:11:47 > 0:11:49every single one, all the way from the bottom,
0:11:49 > 0:11:53the niggling headache, all the way up to vomiting, migraine,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55all the way up to the worst one... You know the worst one?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58My God... The one where you wake up in the morning
0:11:58 > 0:12:00and you don't have one.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Not only do you not have one,
0:12:05 > 0:12:07you feel brilliant!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Because you are...
0:12:10 > 0:12:11shit-faced!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15You know that one?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Bursting into the kitchen, into the living room,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22your friend's on the sofa...
0:12:22 > 0:12:24"I think I got away with it! Woo!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27"I feel good!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29"I thought I'd at least have a headache, be a bit tired,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31"but I feel good! Woo-hoo!
0:12:31 > 0:12:32- "Yes!" - HE LAUGHS
0:12:32 > 0:12:34"What shall we do? Let's do something!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36"Let's go out! Let's go for a roast!"
0:12:36 > 0:12:38HE LAUGHS
0:12:38 > 0:12:39"How good was last night?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42"Let's go out for a roast, come on, let's do it again!"
0:12:42 > 0:12:45HE LAUGHS
0:12:45 > 0:12:50LAUGHING BECOMES HYSTERICAL
0:12:51 > 0:12:53I can't breathe!
0:12:53 > 0:12:57HE LAUGHS
0:12:57 > 0:13:01LAUGHTER BECOMES CRYING
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Shut the curtains... Please, shut the curtains...
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Cos I find it very difficult to have the one, the one drink,
0:13:32 > 0:13:34that's my problem.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Sometimes I convince myself. I go, "This will be it.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39"I'll have this, then I'll go home.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40"It'll be fine. I'll go home.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43"We'll have this, then we go home, yeah, yeah, deal?
0:13:43 > 0:13:47"Finish this, off home? Yeah, yeah? Sure, sure, yeah?"
0:13:47 > 0:13:51There's always one mate that'll lean in with a big grin on his face,
0:13:51 > 0:13:53wide eyed...
0:13:53 > 0:13:54"Jagerbomb?
0:13:57 > 0:13:58"Eh, eh, Jagerbombs?"
0:13:58 > 0:14:00I can't go for a quiet drink any more
0:14:00 > 0:14:02without it leading to ...king Jagerbombs!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Crazy drink! Insane drink!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Shots of Jagermeister,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10that we drop into a bigger glass of Red Bull!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14So bad for you. You drink one of these, you lie in bed
0:14:14 > 0:14:16until five in the morning going,
0:14:16 > 0:14:18"I don't know why I can't get to sleep."
0:14:24 > 0:14:27So bad. You can tell the people that have been drinking them
0:14:27 > 0:14:30at the end of the night, cos they go a different drunk, crazy!
0:14:30 > 0:14:33You can spot them a mile off at the kebab shop.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36They just burst in...
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Booomf!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39"All right, mate, can I get a large donner, no salad,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42"here's a tenner, keep the change." Walk out without the kebab.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Such a bad drink!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Sometimes it's my fault, I'm the culprit.
0:14:55 > 0:14:59I'll go to the bar, just think I'm ordering a nice, normal round,
0:14:59 > 0:15:01an innocent round...
0:15:01 > 0:15:04"Can I get a couple of pints and...
0:15:04 > 0:15:08"an ale, please, and a stout? Cheers, that'll be lovely, thanks."
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Then the barman will ask that magic question...
0:15:12 > 0:15:13"Anything else, mate?"
0:15:29 > 0:15:34- SLOW MOTION:- "Wait there a second."
0:16:09 > 0:16:14"Five Jagerbombs!"
0:16:27 > 0:16:30My friends have no idea what is about to happen.
0:16:30 > 0:16:35They're sat there, I'm bombing it through the pub with the tray.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46- SLOW MOTION:- "Jagerbombs!"
0:16:46 > 0:16:48There's always the reluctant one...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50you know...
0:16:50 > 0:16:51the pussy.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55- SLOW MOTION:- "No, no, no,
0:16:55 > 0:17:01"I've got a job interview in the morning!"
0:17:04 > 0:17:07And as a friend, you know, we support him...
0:17:07 > 0:17:12- SLOW MOTION:- "Shut the hell up and down it!"
0:17:14 > 0:17:16There's always one already gone.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Straightaway, one has disappeared.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- SLOW MOTION:- "Where's yours?"
0:17:21 > 0:17:26"I didn't know we were doing them together!"
0:17:28 > 0:17:33"Quickly, go and get another one!"
0:17:34 > 0:17:38"Let's do this!"
0:17:45 > 0:17:46"Yes, get in..."
0:17:46 > 0:17:50HE HEAVES
0:17:58 > 0:18:00"That was close. For a second there, I..."
0:18:00 > 0:18:03HE HEAVES
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Ladies and gentlemen, Live At The Apollo,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11thank you very much, good night, cheers, bye!
0:18:20 > 0:18:24Seann Walsh, Seann Walsh.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29If he was my son-in-law, I'd kill him. I would.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I'd find a way. I'd mow him down in the car or whatever,
0:18:32 > 0:18:33just get rid of him.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38Yeah, anyway, I was talking earlier about this
0:18:38 > 0:18:40traumatic week I had last week.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44On Monday, I went to the garage, you know, in my garage...
0:18:44 > 0:18:49Anyway, Tuesday, I have this incident which is a bit unfortunate...
0:18:49 > 0:18:53First of all, let me just run this past you...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55My neighbour comes round...
0:18:55 > 0:18:59My view is, if post comes through your letter box,
0:18:59 > 0:19:01that means it's yours.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03LAUGHTER
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Exactly, so we're all agreed on that.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Regardless of name and address and all that detail, right?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13So he knocks on the door at about ten o'clock and says,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15"Has the post been delivered?"
0:19:15 > 0:19:18And I said, "Yeah, yeah, about nine o'clock."
0:19:18 > 0:19:22And he says, "Well, was there a package, did a package come?"
0:19:22 > 0:19:24I said, "Yeah, yeah, it did."
0:19:24 > 0:19:27He said, "Well, did it have my name and address on it?"
0:19:27 > 0:19:28I said, "Yeah, yeah, it did."
0:19:28 > 0:19:32In fairness, it did, and he said,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34"Well, please, may I have it?"
0:19:34 > 0:19:36"Well, not really, because it came through my letter box,
0:19:36 > 0:19:40"that makes it mine now, best forget about it."
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Well, he went completely nuts!
0:19:43 > 0:19:46It was embarrassing, it was undignified,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48he was yelling and screaming at me on the front door,
0:19:48 > 0:19:52he was shouting stuff at me... "You don't even need insulin!"
0:19:52 > 0:19:54You know, it was really just...
0:19:56 > 0:19:57..a horrible scene.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I didn't like to see him in that state.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03He was all shaking, I had to walk him back to his house,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05he was talking gibberish, he was...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07He was going, "Have you seen my wind chime?"
0:20:07 > 0:20:08"No, I haven't."
0:20:11 > 0:20:15Well, backstage we have a wonderful comedian
0:20:15 > 0:20:17that is one of my big favourites on the circuit.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Whenever I see him, I love him.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I know you're going to love him, as well.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Please give a huge Apollo welcome to the wonderful Milton Jones!
0:20:25 > 0:20:26Let's hear it for Milton!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49So, good evening.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Incredible to think, isn't it?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04That the Chinese language
0:21:04 > 0:21:07started off as English in England,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10then one person whispered it to another person...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Bit of a weird day today.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I found a hole in the back of my wardrobe.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33I went though to a strange and mysterious land,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36where my neighbour was sitting in the bath.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43What else can I tell you about myself?
0:21:43 > 0:21:45I like my tea like my women...
0:21:45 > 0:21:47big, black and with a penguin.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Obviously, I'm Caucasian...
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Yes, my mum's from a city in Ireland and my dad's Japanese.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Couldn't sleep last night, I was too hot.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Then the smoke alarm went off!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Put it on snooze.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Then the phone went off, picked it up, a voice said, "Can you speak?"
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I said, "How did you think this conversation was going to work?"
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Then I recognised the voice of my mother,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50the very woman who taught me to speak in the first place.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53She said, "Listen, it's your dad."
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I said, "That is the worst impression..."
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Do you ever have a conversation with someone,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07and towards the end, they say, "Well, I'll let you go."
0:23:10 > 0:23:12You think, "Yeah, thanks."
0:23:13 > 0:23:15"Oh, I see what you're saying. You're trying to make me
0:23:15 > 0:23:18"think that you think that I've got better things to do,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21"but, in reality, you're saying you've got better things to do!"
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Well, next time somebody says, "I'll let you go", say "No."
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Shut the door.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35If they make a sudden dive for the window, grab them by their ankles.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38And as they're dangling four storeys over the car park, screaming,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40"It's all been a terrible mistake,"
0:23:40 > 0:23:42say, "OK, I'll let you go."
0:23:47 > 0:23:48So, it turns out
0:23:48 > 0:23:51not all horses are Trojan horses...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57I know that now.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00That was a messy afternoon.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Health and safety - that's a minefield, isn't it?
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Don't tell them.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Well, it's not easy, travelling around all the time on the road...
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Oh, no...
0:24:15 > 0:24:17The AA, RAC, Green Flag...
0:24:17 > 0:24:19don't get me started.
0:24:28 > 0:24:32You know, it was so cold last week in the city of Chester...
0:24:32 > 0:24:35when I ordered a taxi, I ended up in Chichester.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Recently, I said to my long-standing girlfriend,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49"Sit down, will you?"
0:24:56 > 0:24:59"Will you marry me?", I spelt out in balloons
0:24:59 > 0:25:00outside of the house of the girl
0:25:00 > 0:25:03I had only met on the internet...
0:25:03 > 0:25:06then I saw her face and I popped the question.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Do you ever do that thing when you're on the phone?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19"You put it down!"
0:25:21 > 0:25:23"No, you put it down!"
0:25:25 > 0:25:29"No, you put it down!"
0:25:30 > 0:25:35"Ho-ho! You put it down!"
0:25:36 > 0:25:40"Listen, it's an old dog and you're a qualified vet."
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Anyway, it turns out not all pigs are piggybanks.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59I know that now.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01That was a messy afternoon.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Recently, I've been diagnosed with attention deficit...
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Look at those lights!
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Pritt is not the best lip salve I've ever used...
0:26:20 > 0:26:22..but I couldn't complain.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Calvin Klein's mum has labelled everyone else's pants.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Not that I'm a good parent...
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Apparently, I didn't even turn up to one of my own children's
0:26:39 > 0:26:41christenings, according to one of them,
0:26:41 > 0:26:42who shall remain nameless.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Anyway, it turns out not all ducks are toilet ducks.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56I know that now.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00That was a messy afternoon.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04To be honest... Cos people say that, as well, don't they?
0:27:04 > 0:27:05What do you mean, "to be honest"?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09You mean everything you've been saying so far hasn't been honest?
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Well, how can we trust what you're going to say now?
0:27:12 > 0:27:15Anyway, you've been a great audience, but, to be honest...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19..I'll let you go.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Sometimes, people say to me, "This is all very well you saying
0:27:23 > 0:27:27"these things, you dressing like that, but who are you?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30"Where do you come from?"
0:27:30 > 0:27:31I say, "Well, if I told you
0:27:31 > 0:27:33"it wouldn't actually be that interesting."
0:27:33 > 0:27:36And they say, "No, we're the police."
0:27:39 > 0:27:41So I show them my ID...
0:27:41 > 0:27:43and I say, "As you can see,
0:27:43 > 0:27:46"I am Dr Irving Likensay."
0:27:48 > 0:27:51They say "No, this just says 'Driving Licence'."
0:28:03 > 0:28:05That's all from me. Thanks very much, good night!
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Milton Jones!
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Oh!
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Er, listen, you have been a really, really wonderful audience.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Can I just ask you, though, just to say one thing...
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Thank you very, very much to our comedians tonight.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28We saw Seann Walsh!
0:28:30 > 0:28:31And Milton Jones!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35I very much hope I'll see you all again.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Thank you very much and good night!
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Thank you so much! Good night!
0:28:39 > 0:28:41APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd