0:00:18 > 0:00:24Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Sean Lock!
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:36 > 0:00:37Thank you!
0:00:37 > 0:00:42Thank you, thank you very much!
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Hello! Whoo!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Thank you, thank you. Lovely to be here in Hammersmith.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54I just have one thing, one request, if at any point in the show
0:00:54 > 0:00:57you're erring on the side of laughter, go with it, yeah?
0:00:59 > 0:01:00You know, if you get to a bit and you go,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03"Is that funny? "Er, erm, er..."
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Just go, wahey! Chuck yourself in!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Cos the consequences for you of a joke not working
0:01:07 > 0:01:10aren't that serious. There'll be other jokes, other shows.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14But the consequences for me are pretty serious, yes.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Because if you don't laugh at my jokes, in about a year's time
0:01:17 > 0:01:20you'll switch on your telly on a Saturday night and you'll hear
0:01:20 > 0:01:25Bruce Forsyth say "And our next couple, dancing the pasodoble..."
0:01:25 > 0:01:29APPLAUSE
0:01:29 > 0:01:31"..it's Sean and Tatiana!"
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Dun, de, den, den deh! Dum, de, deh, deh, deh!
0:01:39 > 0:01:42I'll have a black nylon shirt, split to my waist.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Fruit all down me.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50And at some point they'll make you do the shimmy, won't they?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Everybody goes on Strictly and at some point has to do the shimmy.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57It's like tossing the salad in jail that's what it is, the shimmy.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58At some point you have to go...
0:02:00 > 0:02:04That's like just driving your face into the dirt, isn't it?
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And then the bit after that you're in a tense dance-off
0:02:06 > 0:02:10with the OXO mum. Ooh!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13And if that's not enough, afterwards you get bollocked, don't you?
0:02:13 > 0:02:14By Bruno Tonioli.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18"Sean! You're like-a fridge, your arms didn't move!
0:02:18 > 0:02:23"You stand there like a fridge, you all grinder, no pepper!"
0:02:25 > 0:02:27And you can't tell him to piss off, can you?
0:02:30 > 0:02:33"Look, I made a complete twat out of myself out there,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36"and now you want to rub my nose in it.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40"What have you ever done in your life? You prick."
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I think it would make a better show, make a better show.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47Cos we've got a few Strictly guests in, Joe Calzaghe's here. Hello, Joe.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Joe Calzaghe, undefeated World Champion.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55I took up boxing for a while,
0:02:55 > 0:02:57cos I heard it was a way out of the ghetto.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Thing is I'm not from the ghetto.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02So for me it was a way into hospital.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Jon Culshaw there, hello Jon.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Amazing impressionist.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- You can do 350 voices, is that true? - Something like that.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15And do you hear the voices in your head?
0:03:15 > 0:03:17I do, I do!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Cos I hear voices in my head. I ignore them and carry on killing.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26But I do impressions, I do one impression.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Here's my impression, right?
0:03:28 > 0:03:30It's Billy Mitchell from EastEnders.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33CHEERING
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I can't do the voice.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40That's it, just that. And then...hang on.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Oh, it's me again!
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Thank you, welcome, welcome.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Erm...I love my wife.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I love my kids, I am a very lucky man, very lucky man.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52But there are things I miss about the old days, before all that.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I think the thing I miss the most of all about living on my own
0:03:54 > 0:03:57is the songs you sing when you live on your own. You know the songs
0:03:57 > 0:04:00you sing when you live on your own? Just walking round your house,
0:04:00 > 0:04:01start singing, don't you?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05# I'm going to put the kettle on and make a cup of tea now!
0:04:05 > 0:04:08# Owww, ow, ow-ow-ow ow!
0:04:10 > 0:04:13# I might have a biscuit or a crisp sandwich! #
0:04:17 > 0:04:20You can't do that when you live with other people, can you?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Cos they don't want to see that.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24No. They want to think you've got your shit together.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28You've got to hide that.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I say I love my wife, sometimes I'm not sure.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Well, no, the symptoms of being in love are shortness of breath,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38light headedness, inability to concentrate - are exactly the same
0:04:38 > 0:04:40symptoms as carbon monoxide poisoning, aren't they?
0:04:42 > 0:04:45So I said "I think I love you, but can we get the boiler serviced?"
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Hahaha! No, I do, I love her very much.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53But she upset me this last Christmas because as she was giving me
0:04:53 > 0:04:56my Christmas present, just before I opened it she said "Oh, by the way,
0:04:56 > 0:05:01"you do know it's very hard to buy presents for a man of your age?"
0:05:01 > 0:05:03I found that quite hurtful, I did, to be honest with you.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06And if there are any men of my age in the room tonight, bit of advice
0:05:06 > 0:05:09for you, be very careful what you show enthusiasm for
0:05:09 > 0:05:12in the weeks before Christmas.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Because you show the slightest enthusiasm or interest
0:05:14 > 0:05:18in anything... you're getting it for Christmas.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19She'll be going up to bed. You say,
0:05:19 > 0:05:22"I'll be up in a minute, I'm just going to watch the news."
0:05:22 > 0:05:23"Oh!"
0:05:26 > 0:05:27"He likes the news!"
0:05:29 > 0:05:31And you'll get a biography of Huw Edwards.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36"What a guy."
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Never had an X-ray, apparently. Didn't know that.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41One time we were out walking in the countryside,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44there was a bird hovering in the sky. She said "That's a buzzard."
0:05:44 > 0:05:46I said "No, that's a kestrel."
0:05:46 > 0:05:48She said, "I didn't know you knew about that."
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I said "Yeah, a little bit, little bit. Not a lot."
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Cut to six months later, I'm standing in a field...
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I've got a big leather glove on like that.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Cube of meat on a string.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11"Yeah, I'm having a great day, love.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15"It's like you read my mind!"
0:06:21 > 0:06:24"Argh! Get it off me! Get it off me!
0:06:24 > 0:06:25"Argh!"
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I didn't do that. Don't want to upset the greenies.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33From about October to December,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I don't say anything positive about anything.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40We got a ferry once from Holland. Ferries are normally a sort of dull,
0:06:40 > 0:06:43dismal, awful experience. This was a really nice ferry, lovely ferry.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46And I was about to go, "Cor, this is a nice ferry, isn't it?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Then I went, "Uh, oh. No."
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Cos there is a chance on Christmas morning I'd have opened an envelope
0:06:51 > 0:06:54and pulled out... "A golden ferry ticket!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57"A magical day out on the ferry!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59"Help the captain steer the ferry out of port."
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"Wave the cars onto the deck."
0:07:07 > 0:07:10"Sing a song with the group Liquid Motion."
0:07:14 > 0:07:17The other day I intercepted her ordering me some bees.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19She was ordering bees on the phone. I went,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22"Whoa, whoa, we don't want any bees! Why are you ordering bees?"
0:07:22 > 0:07:25She said, "You were going on about the plight of the honey bee,
0:07:25 > 0:07:28"and how people don't plant flowers any more, their gardens are decked,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31"and the honey bee's dying out, and the whole of society will collapse
0:07:31 > 0:07:33"so I thought I'd get you some bees."
0:07:33 > 0:07:37And I said "No, what you've mistaken there is, I like moaning."
0:07:37 > 0:07:40I couldn't give a shit about bees.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I can't tell the difference between a bee and a wasp,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44I just kill anything I see.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Basically, she wants me to have a hobby,
0:07:46 > 0:07:49because I don't get a lot of spare time but if I do, what I like to do
0:07:49 > 0:07:51is stand in various rooms in my house,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54staring into the middle distance like that.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57And she finds that troubling.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I'm never happier than when I'm sitting on bed, in my pants,
0:07:59 > 0:08:03one sock on, another sock in my hand.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Oh, I could do 20 minutes there like that.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Cos I'm not doing nothing, I'm putting socks on. But very slowly.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14And the thing is, I do have a hobby,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17but it's not considered to be a hobby, and my hobby is drinking.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18I like drinking.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20CHEERING
0:08:20 > 0:08:22I'll tell you why.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25I don't do it all the time, but when I go out I like to have a drink.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28If you could see my little face, how excited my little face is
0:08:28 > 0:08:31when I'm going off to the pub, you'd go "Aw, look at him,
0:08:31 > 0:08:33"isn't he cute, eh?"
0:08:35 > 0:08:37And when I drink, I like to go out and have a proper drink,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I like to get hammered. I like to be four units the right side
0:08:40 > 0:08:42of shitting myself, that's what I like to do.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Drawing on my face, combing my hair with a shoe, that kind of thing.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I worked out my relationship with alcohol is very similar to
0:08:54 > 0:08:57the relationship that a moth has with a light bulb.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01You know when you see a moth having a session on the light bulb.
0:09:01 > 0:09:07They're just going - bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
0:09:07 > 0:09:08"This is brilliant!"
0:09:11 > 0:09:12"Who switched this on?"
0:09:15 > 0:09:17"I bloody love you!"
0:09:23 > 0:09:28If you could interview a moth after a night on the light bulb,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30it would be very similar to me with a hangover.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32"What happened there, moth?"
0:09:32 > 0:09:35"I know, I know, I've done it again, haven't I?"
0:09:36 > 0:09:40"How do you feel now?" "I feel bloody awful!"
0:09:40 > 0:09:42"Covered in burns!"
0:09:42 > 0:09:47"They're bloody hot those light bulbs! Everyone saw me!"
0:09:49 > 0:09:52"Cos I was the worst, wasn't I? I was the worst.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54"Eight hours I was up there, wasn't I?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58"Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!"
0:09:58 > 0:10:01But some of them only do an hour then piss off behind the fridge.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05"Do you think you've got a problem?"
0:10:05 > 0:10:10"No, not at all, if you don't switch the light bulb on, I'm fine.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12"I could do about three weeks on a wall."
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Bum ba bum!
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Bubububuub...
0:10:18 > 0:10:22But you switch the light bulb on... "Yes! Daddy's home!"
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I'm not advocating alcoholism by the way,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I'm just sticking up for a group in society that gets badly treated,
0:10:30 > 0:10:34gets really bad press, is abused and maligned continually
0:10:34 > 0:10:35and that's binge drinkers.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Nobody ever says anything nice about binge drinkers, do they?
0:10:38 > 0:10:41They just say, "Binge drinkers, Look what they've done,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43"look what they've done to the town centre."
0:10:43 > 0:10:45We didn't ruin the town centre.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49Tesco's and the internet did that, we're just finishing the job.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53It's like farting in a cheese shop - it's not the main problem.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Kicking a dead bird.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02"What you doing?" "It's dead, chill out!"
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Put a bit of chewing gum in a mullet.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14And it's terrible the discrimination you suffer as a binge drinker.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I've been for job interviews and I know the only reason
0:11:17 > 0:11:19I didn't get that job, is cos I was hammered.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25They couldn't see beyond that, they couldn't see the person behind
0:11:25 > 0:11:28the man trying to get a sing-song going.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31# I get knocked down
0:11:31 > 0:11:34# But I get up again yeah yeah. #
0:11:34 > 0:11:37"Where do you see yourself in five years' time, Mr Lock?"
0:11:37 > 0:11:38"Pub! Ha-ha!"
0:11:40 > 0:11:43And the press are very complicit in this, they really like
0:11:43 > 0:11:46to make binge drinkers feel bad. I remember there was a picture once
0:11:46 > 0:11:48in the Sun of this girl on a night out in Newcastle.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51And for a laugh she pulled... She kept her clothes on but for a laugh
0:11:51 > 0:11:53she pulled her knickers down to her ankles
0:11:53 > 0:11:56and she was standing in the centre of Newcastle going "Wahey!"
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Big smile on her face, like that "Wahey!"
0:11:59 > 0:12:02And the headline above was something like, "Oh, God.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"Oh, dear, oh, dear."
0:12:04 > 0:12:06And I remember looking at the picture thinking,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08"What is wrong with that?"
0:12:08 > 0:12:10She's obviously having a brilliant time.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12You've got to be in a fantastic mood to be
0:12:12 > 0:12:16in the heart of the town where you live, where you go shopping, you go
0:12:16 > 0:12:20to work, you meet friends, to be in the very epicentre of where all your
0:12:20 > 0:12:24friends are, where your life is to go "Ha-ha, yeah!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27"Ha-ha-ha!"
0:12:27 > 0:12:30That's a great moment in your life!
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I'd put that on my CV!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35"There we go, happiest I've ever been.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39"That's also the answer to hobbies and interests."
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I've never met anyone who's depressed who's done that.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I've never chatted to anyone whose depressed, say, "How you feeling?"
0:12:44 > 0:12:47"Terrible, every decision I make is a disaster. I just can't see a way
0:12:47 > 0:12:49"of muddling through this miserable period in my life.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53"The other day I went down to the canal. I was...
0:12:53 > 0:12:56"I was just staring at the dark black water
0:12:56 > 0:13:01"trying to find a reason to carry on with this miserable existence
0:13:01 > 0:13:04"we laughingly call life."
0:13:07 > 0:13:10You don't get punch lines like that every day, do you?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12I don't get a lot of stuff nicked.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Are you ready for the first act, ladies and gentlemen?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:21 > 0:13:25Then put your hands together and go mad for a wonderful young comedian,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Romesh Ranganathan!
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Hello. Very excited to be here.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50I realised that some of you will have seen me come out with a microphone,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53may have become concerned.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55"Oh, God, Asian comedian."
0:13:57 > 0:14:01"He's going to be banging on about being Asian the whole time."
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Please, don't worry, only about 10% of my stuff is based on
0:14:06 > 0:14:08me being Asian, all right?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13The other 90% is based on my issues with white people.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24So, it should be absolutely fine. Looking around I can't help feeling
0:14:24 > 0:14:26there's been a bit of a booking error.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I'll just say what I've got to say and get the hell out of here.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35I am actually married, I don't want to upset anyone in here.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40But I am married, my wife and I have two small children -
0:14:40 > 0:14:43we're not kidnappers.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45We created these children by the traditional means...
0:14:49 > 0:14:51..adoption.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56No, I'm joking, I'm joking I did it, did it. Smashed it.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06My wife is white, I'm genuinely Asian, I haven't just browned-up
0:15:06 > 0:15:10for tonight's show, and so our children are mixed race.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12And a game that we've started playing,
0:15:12 > 0:15:13we've started getting our kids
0:15:13 > 0:15:15to pick a side.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22So whenever we're watching the Jeremy Kyle show,
0:15:22 > 0:15:25just point at the screen and go "That's white people for you, kids."
0:15:27 > 0:15:30"I have got no idea, mate."
0:15:30 > 0:15:33And whenever we go to an Indian restaurant my wife will go,
0:15:33 > 0:15:34"Smells like Daddy".
0:15:40 > 0:15:43That's a little game we play.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44She won that one.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I'm going to be honest with you, I've overreacted to racism in the past
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I'm not going to lie. I was getting my hair cut. It was an extremely
0:15:52 > 0:15:56hot day, I was complaining about how hot it was. This guy sitting in the
0:15:56 > 0:16:00barbers he turns to me, he says "Oh, I can't believe you lot, ha-ha."
0:16:02 > 0:16:04"I can't believe you lot, you come over here, don't you, eh?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06"Heh, heh, ha-ha, yeah, you do.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12"You come over here then you complain about how bloody hot it is,
0:16:12 > 0:16:13"don't you, son? Heh, hah!"
0:16:15 > 0:16:19I thought, "Oh, my God, I'm going to put this idiot in his place,
0:16:19 > 0:16:21"assuming that I'm an immigrant."
0:16:21 > 0:16:22So I said to him,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25"Well, actually, sir, the climactic conditions in Crawley,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28"where I originate from,
0:16:28 > 0:16:33"are very similar to the ones we're experiencing here.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37"Just goes to show you."
0:16:38 > 0:16:41To which his genuine response was,
0:16:41 > 0:16:44"Bloody hell, mate, you're picking up the language brilliantly, ain't you?"
0:16:51 > 0:16:52I'm going to be honest with you,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55I recently came to the realisation that sometimes
0:16:55 > 0:16:58a lack of racism can actually more hurtful than racism itself.
0:16:58 > 0:16:59Now, hear me out on this.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I think you will agree with me.
0:17:01 > 0:17:05I recently got into a bit of car prang. Completely my fault.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Damaged this guy's car quite badly, he lost his shit,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11as he had every right to, right, gets out of the car he looks at me
0:17:11 > 0:17:13and he says,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16"What the hell do you think you're doing, you fat bastard?"
0:17:22 > 0:17:24And I thought, "Oh, my God,
0:17:24 > 0:17:27"I have put on so much weight!"
0:17:31 > 0:17:33That's the first thing he went for!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I would rather he'd said something racist, right,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42because it's offensive, but at least it means I'm in shape!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I was sitting at home watching television with my wife
0:17:49 > 0:17:52the other day, and for those of you that have children, you will know
0:17:52 > 0:17:55to even get to a point where you're able to watch what you want to
0:17:55 > 0:17:59on television is a bloody miracle, right?
0:17:59 > 0:18:02You've gotta do what these little shits want to do first, right?
0:18:02 > 0:18:05And on this particular day they wanted to watch Disney DVDs.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I just about managed to convince them to not watch Finding Nemo.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Now, I know that sounds mad cos finding Nemo's a great film.
0:18:12 > 0:18:13I assume people are fans of it in here?
0:18:13 > 0:18:15CHEERING
0:18:15 > 0:18:16It's a lovely movie.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20This fish goes along and saves his son. It's wonderful, heart-warming.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24But unfortunately when you have children, that film is ruined.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Cos I'm watching finding Nemo now and I'm thinking to myself,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29"I mean, he told Nemo.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33"Repeatedly.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37"To stop pissing around, right?"
0:18:38 > 0:18:42Cos Nemo wouldn't listen, he's got to go dicking across the other side
0:18:42 > 0:18:44of the world to go and get him.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47And at the end of the film, Nemo's dad is supposed to learn a lesson
0:18:47 > 0:18:49about chilling out. Piss off!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00If I was directing that film, Nemo would have got kidnapped
0:19:00 > 0:19:03and his dad would have gone, "I told you, you little prick!
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"Enjoy the fish tank, dickhead!"
0:19:06 > 0:19:09And the then sequel would have been called Grounding Nemo.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I mean, the fact of the matter is I don't actually like
0:19:15 > 0:19:17going out with my children and it's not because of my children.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19I love my children, I think.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23The problem is, you have to deal with other people's children and you
0:19:23 > 0:19:26have to deal with their parents and you can't tell off other people's
0:19:26 > 0:19:30kids cos people get annoyed. Except I've found a way.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I was at the cinema a while ago, I'm going to share this with you.
0:19:33 > 0:19:38This kid was throwing popcorn about, shouting, just being a little idiot.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41His parents were doing absolutely nothing about it.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45So I thought I would step up, on behalf of the cinema.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50So I got in real close and said, "Listen here, you little shit..."
0:19:52 > 0:19:55"Pull that again, I'm going to punch you in your face, understand me?"
0:19:58 > 0:20:02And then as his parents approached and were able to hear me,
0:20:02 > 0:20:03I just went,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06"And that's why you shouldn't say that to brown people."
0:20:15 > 0:20:17They apologised to me!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Try it. You'll have to brown up, but it's worth it!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Ladies and gentlemen, you genuinely have been adequate.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30So, thank you so much, I've been Romesh Ranganathan, goodnight!
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Romesh Ranganathan!
0:20:39 > 0:20:41So, you up for the next act?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Please put your hands together, go mad for a fantastic comedian,
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Marcus Brigstocke!
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05give it up for Mr Sean Lock!
0:21:05 > 0:21:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I turned 40 this year. Which means my body is...
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- WOMAN:- Whoo!- No, don't woo that!
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Don't whoo that. My body is no longer on my side.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23I've started having a new experience, which I'm calling "after wees."
0:21:26 > 0:21:29It's when you've had a wee, you've finished your wee,
0:21:29 > 0:21:33you check with your bladder, "Is this wee fully finished?"
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Your bladder goes "Oh, yes, definitely finished."
0:21:36 > 0:21:38And then you leave.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42And then your bladder decides to do his impression of Columbo.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46"Ah, one more thing!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48"Just one more thing".
0:21:52 > 0:21:55So I don't trust my body any more. I went on safari, went to South Africa.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Anyone here been to South Africa?
0:21:56 > 0:21:58MILD CHEERING
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I stopped a safari with my bum.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04When you're in South Africa, I don't know if you've tried Biltong.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07It's delicious, its dried bush meat. Dried meat, right?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Kudu, antelope, stuff like that. They were giving it out where I stayed.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I ate loads of the stuff, it was delicious, nom, nom, nom, nom, mmm.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14It's all dried meat, like that.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17What I didn't realise is that when you then have a drink,
0:22:17 > 0:22:21it takes on its original size and shape, inside you.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I rehydrated an antelope in my lower intestines.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28And then got the biltong farts. Badly.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31So we went on a safari. Five o'clock in the morning. You get up early
0:22:31 > 0:22:34before the animals are fully awake, they're still doing their teeth
0:22:34 > 0:22:37and folding their little elephant jammies.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38We were in an open top jeep
0:22:38 > 0:22:41with a guide driver in front, a young couple on honeymoon
0:22:41 > 0:22:43and a young family in the back.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46And I have a belly full of swollen biltong
0:22:46 > 0:22:48and I got the biltong farts badly.
0:22:48 > 0:22:49Right, so we went over a bump
0:22:49 > 0:22:52and a big biltong-based blow off fell out of me.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56And the driver of our open top vehicle brought it to a complete halt
0:22:56 > 0:22:59and went, "Can everybody smell that?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01"That's lion."
0:23:03 > 0:23:06"You can tell because it's very meaty.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09"It's quite fresh as well. They've been through here recently, yeah?"
0:23:09 > 0:23:12And the thing is, everyone in the jeep got up and went,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15"Oh, yes, yes, you can really smell it!
0:23:15 > 0:23:17"It's lion. Children, come on, come on."
0:23:17 > 0:23:21"Daddy is it really lion?" "I think it could be, yes."
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Cos the more I laughed the more I farted, right?
0:23:24 > 0:23:27The driver is sneaking the vehicle forward going,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30"I can't see them, but they're definitely very close, yeah?"
0:23:32 > 0:23:35"Please, everyone be careful, I think one of them may be injured."
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I was like, "Ohhh!"
0:23:38 > 0:23:41We were there 40 minutes. People trying to take photos of my farts.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46So I'm going to go to Greece, fart in one of their banks,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49see if I can help them out.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51They're in a bad way. Any Greek people in?
0:23:51 > 0:23:53MODERATE CHEERING
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Yeah? Pay your taxes. It would be a start, wouldn't it?
0:23:57 > 0:23:58It's not difficult.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06They're in a bad way and it's not all their fault. I feel bad for Greece.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10Yeah, it's so bad over there they're selling off their islands.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12I think we should buy them, put them in the British Museum.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I'm a completist, what can I say?
0:24:15 > 0:24:18No, it is, it's a bad, bad situation in Greece. It's not entirely
0:24:18 > 0:24:21their fault. Greece was never supposed to be in the euro.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23That's right, we're drifting from my farts straight into
0:24:23 > 0:24:26a light economics lecture. Hold on, people.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30So Greece was never supposed to be in the euro.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32They had too much sovereign debt, you know this, yeah?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35They had too much sovereign debt, they couldn't get in.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Goldman Sachs, the investment bank, hid their sovereign debt
0:24:38 > 0:24:40and snuck Greece into the euro.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43And you can understand why Greece wanted to get in. They were like
0:24:43 > 0:24:45a kid outside a nightclub, you know,
0:24:45 > 0:24:47too young, had the wrong shoes on, but they could hear it,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49they were excited they could hear...
0:24:49 > 0:24:52HE IMITATES A DANCE BEAT
0:24:52 > 0:24:54And the Greeks are excited, they wanted to get in. And I should warn
0:24:54 > 0:24:57you, for the Greek people, I'm not very good at the Greek accent
0:24:57 > 0:25:00but I'll give it a go, OK? So the Greeks are outside, they can hear...
0:25:00 > 0:25:02HE IMITATES A DANCE BEAT
0:25:02 > 0:25:03And they went, "Ay!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09"I want to get into the nightclub!"
0:25:09 > 0:25:12That's not good, that, is it? But they couldn't get in.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Weren't allowed. They had too much sovereign debt. And France were
0:25:15 > 0:25:18on the door being the bouncer. France said, "No, you cannot come in here,
0:25:18 > 0:25:22"look at you, shitty Greece, you are too young, you have too much
0:25:22 > 0:25:25"sovereign debt, you are wearing the wrong shoes, go on get out of here.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"Look, you have curly slippers on, get out of here!"
0:25:29 > 0:25:33And Goldman Sachs hid their sovereign debt, gave them fake ID,
0:25:33 > 0:25:36changed their shoes, and snuck Greece in through the back door of the club.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38The Greeks are in now and they're excited.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40They're inside the club going "Ooh, ooh!"
0:25:40 > 0:25:43You know how Greeks are... not like that.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47"We're inside the euro club now, wooop wooop!" Nah.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49It's exciting for Greece. Brilliant, they're on the inside
0:25:49 > 0:25:52and that's when they realise the club has a German DJ.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56That's when shit started to get scary for Greece
0:25:56 > 0:25:58when they heard "Ja, daz iz da EuroHaus!"
0:25:58 > 0:26:02HE IMITATES A FURIOUS DANCE BEAT
0:26:06 > 0:26:07"Turn it up a little more!"
0:26:10 > 0:26:13"Dance faster, little Greece!"
0:26:13 > 0:26:16By this point Greece were desperately trying to keep up, going,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19"Ah! Please will you slow the music down?
0:26:19 > 0:26:23"Don't you have any Nana Mouskouri or Demis Roussos?"
0:26:23 > 0:26:25"No! Das iz de EuroHaus!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27HE IMITATES A FURIOUS DANCE BEAT
0:26:27 > 0:26:30"Dance faster, little shit!"
0:26:30 > 0:26:33By this stage the Greeks were slumped in the corner going,
0:26:33 > 0:26:36"Please, I should never have been in here!
0:26:36 > 0:26:40"I have too much sovereign debt and look - curly slippers!"
0:26:42 > 0:26:46They can't get out cos the Germans have locked the door.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49And the Germans dictate how fast the music goes
0:26:49 > 0:26:52and because they're German that's very fast indeed.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Germans have two speeds for their music - oompa and techno.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00The Greeks fully went in the wrong door, they could have been so happy
0:27:00 > 0:27:02right now one club further up going,
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# Poompa-poompa-poompa-poompa... #
0:27:06 > 0:27:08So everything...
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Love that oompa.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Everything the Greeks are living on is handouts from the Germans.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18That's hard. Greece is an old culture, they have their pride.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20It's difficult. The Germans give them all their money and they can
0:27:20 > 0:27:23tell them the things they want them to do so they can treat Greece
0:27:23 > 0:27:26however they want. Usually it's like a naughty teenager, like,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29"Ja, OK, Greece.
0:27:29 > 0:27:36"You can have your pocket money. But first you must tidy your room."
0:27:36 > 0:27:39The Greeks are like, "Hey! We invented philosophy!"
0:27:39 > 0:27:43"Ja, und we invented the Volkswagen und the Mercedes Benz.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46"And people buy shitloads of those, so tidy your room
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"or it's back into the techno club, you little shit!"
0:27:48 > 0:27:50"Arghhh!"
0:27:50 > 0:27:53The Germans have got it this time, they are on it. They're like,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55"Ja, the last two times we tried it was a little bit awkward
0:27:55 > 0:27:57"with all of the killing of the people.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05"No, this time it is much better,
0:28:05 > 0:28:07"this time we just buy it!
0:28:09 > 0:28:12"Ja, we work a little longer und we spend a little less
0:28:12 > 0:28:16"und we just buy it because last time people were quite cross with us!
0:28:16 > 0:28:18"They said, 'You must not be killing all of these people.'
0:28:18 > 0:28:22"We were like, 'Ja, we are knowing this now.'
0:28:22 > 0:28:25"This time is better. Look, we have receipt."
0:28:25 > 0:28:28Ladies and gentlemen, you've been an absolute delight, thank you so much.
0:28:28 > 0:28:30See you again. Thank you, goodbye!
0:28:36 > 0:28:38Marcus Brigstocke!
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Please put your hands together for the acts you saw tonight -
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Romesh Ranganathan, Marcus Brigstocke.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49I have been Sean lock, thank you very much!
0:28:51 > 0:28:54Subtitles By Red Bee Media Ltd