0:00:19 > 0:00:25Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Adam Hills!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Hello, London!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Hello, London and welcome to live at the Apollo. My name's Adam Hills.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45I have two amazing acts to present to you tonight. Are you well?
0:00:45 > 0:00:47AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Excellent! There are celebrities in the house -
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- Tinie Tempah's here, people! - CHEERING
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Hey, buddy!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Tinie Tempah's here. Love your music, love you. We've met before.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00But you know what I love about Tinie Tempah? The name.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02There's thought gone into the name, Tinie Tempah.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04You've told me this before,
0:01:04 > 0:01:07you chose something harsh, like "temper", then you offset it
0:01:07 > 0:01:10with "tiny" and I love that. There's thought that's gone into it.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14Not like Jay-Z who threw two darts at an alphabet!
0:01:14 > 0:01:15LAUGHTER
0:01:16 > 0:01:20And so what it is it's something impressive and harsh
0:01:20 > 0:01:23like "temper", offset by something cuddly like "tiny", brilliant.
0:01:23 > 0:01:29It's a lovely name. It's like Angry Birds or Prime Minister Miliband.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- LAUGHTER - Er...
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Sorry, every time we look at your Prime Minister we go,
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- "Yeah, go on, I dare you." - LAUGHTER
0:01:36 > 0:01:40Kimberly Wyatt is here from the Pussycat Dolls. Absolutely brilliant.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- Yes, Kimberly Wyatt's here. - CHEERING
0:01:42 > 0:01:46The only thing I know about you is that your nickname is Flexi Doll,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49because you are the most supple of the Pussycat Dolls.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Just let's all take a moment to imagine that....
0:01:52 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Again, I compare myself to that and go
0:01:56 > 0:01:58"Well, I would be Rusty Babushka" if that was the case.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00LAUGHTER
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Yeah, inside this 43-three-year old decrepit body is just
0:02:02 > 0:02:05a broken 62-year-old.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07And then inside him there's a 95-five-year old
0:02:07 > 0:02:10weeping cos he can't find his Zimmer frame.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I'm genuinely chuffed that you're here and...I don't care,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I love music and I don't understand it and I'm blown away by it
0:02:16 > 0:02:18and that's why I think you're brilliant.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21And I've seen the power of music around the world. I've seen
0:02:21 > 0:02:23music bring people together, regardless of nationality.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26I've seen that Jon Bon Jovi is the universal constant.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Whether or not you like his music if you can sing a Jon Bon Jovi song
0:02:31 > 0:02:34anywhere in the world you will bond a room full of people instantly.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I was doing shows in Belgium once
0:02:36 > 0:02:38and I was backstage with a group of Belgian comics,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41five Belgian comedians, me and Michael McIntyre.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42And I'm thinking, what do you...?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45I've got nothing in common with these guys. How do you...
0:02:45 > 0:02:47How do you start a conversation with a Belgian?
0:02:47 > 0:02:51I was like, "Er, do you like waffles?"
0:02:51 > 0:02:54It was this weirdest thing where everyone was nervous
0:02:54 > 0:02:56and nobody knew what to say and one of the Belgian guys,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58I can only assume out of nerves...
0:02:58 > 0:03:01just started singing to himself under his breath.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04In the middle of this crowded room everyone's gone quiet
0:03:04 > 0:03:05and this one guy went,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07# This Romeo is bleeding...
0:03:07 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:12# You can't see his blood
0:03:12 > 0:03:17# It's nothing but some feelings that this old dog kicked up #
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Then he must have suddenly realised what he was doing
0:03:20 > 0:03:21cos he looked at me and went,
0:03:21 > 0:03:25"Oh." So I looked back across the room and just went,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28# It's been raining since you left me...
0:03:28 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:32# And I'm drowning in the flood
0:03:32 > 0:03:38# You see I've always been a fighter but without you I give up! #
0:03:38 > 0:03:41And he gave me a look that said, "You're not serious, are you?"
0:03:41 > 0:03:44And I gave him a look to say, "I am if you are, big fella."
0:03:44 > 0:03:48He took a step in and went # And I can't sing a love song
0:03:48 > 0:03:50# Like the way it's meant to be #
0:03:50 > 0:03:51And I thought, "I will see you
0:03:51 > 0:03:54"and raise you, my friend," so I stood up and went,
0:03:54 > 0:03:59# And I guess that's just not good any more but baby that's just me! #
0:03:59 > 0:04:03There was a pause, then everyone in the room did the chorus!
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Me, five comedians and Michael McIntyre just went,
0:04:07 > 0:04:16- BAWLING:- # And I will love you, baby! Ooohhhhh! #
0:04:16 > 0:04:18We bonded. We Jon Bonded.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:23And it occurred to me then that Jon Bon Jovi songs may not solve
0:04:23 > 0:04:27the Middle East peace crisis, but it's worth a shot, isn't it?
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Just send an envoy into the Middle East, Israelis on one side,
0:04:30 > 0:04:34Palestinians on the other. "No, no, this land is for the Jewish people.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36"God promised it to the Jews. We will never back down.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40"You guys?" "No, this land is for the Palestinian people. We will never back down!"
0:04:40 > 0:04:44"Is there any way?" "No, no way." Just pull out a microphone.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47# Oowa, oowa, oowa, oowa, oowa, ooowa, oowa #
0:04:47 > 0:04:49And just wait!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Honestly, I think the Israelis would crack first.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55"No, this is ridiculous, how can we...?"
0:04:55 > 0:04:57# Tommy used to work on the docks #
0:04:57 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:03The Palestinians would have to join in. "This is outrageous!
0:05:03 > 0:05:04# Gina works the diner all day #
0:05:04 > 0:05:08And within a minute they'd all be on their feet, lighters in the air.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11# Whooooooaaaaaah! Living on a prayer! #
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I mean, they'd argue about which prayer
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- but at least they'd be singing together. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:22 > 0:05:25You see, that's the thing, music fires people up as well.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27I get very fired up by music.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Oh, man, I went on a rant. I was in Starbucks recently.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Now, I have a lot of problems with Starbucks.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36My main problem with Starbucks is, they make shit coffee.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I was in a Starbucks and they were selling albums.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44They were selling albums, they were selling CDs. They were selling
0:05:44 > 0:05:46a Doors CD.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Does that appal you as much as it appals me?
0:05:49 > 0:05:54Are you aware who I'm talking about when I say The Doors? Jim Morrison, The Lizard King?
0:05:54 > 0:05:57The man who died choking on his own vomit in a bath?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Who was arrested for indecent exposure on stage.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03He's available in Starbucks?!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06That's not... Mika, Mika should be available in Starbucks.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I don't know if you know Mika's work,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11it sounds like James Blunt shagged a sponge.
0:06:11 > 0:06:12LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:16That should be in Starbucks. You know what I mean?
0:06:16 > 0:06:19If you have The Doors in Starbucks at least pay homage,
0:06:19 > 0:06:23have a Morrison mochachino where you drop in acid and stir it with your cock, do it properly!
0:06:23 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I love all music and do you know what I love?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I love boybands.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32I know, and not necessarily the music
0:06:32 > 0:06:35but just the fact you can put one together. You can create
0:06:35 > 0:06:37a boyband, you just need a certain look.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Honestly, I could create a boyband out of five members of the audience right now.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43WHOOPING
0:06:43 > 0:06:44In fact...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46CHEERING
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Right... You, fella, could you hop up on stage, please?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Come round on the stairs here, excellent. Yep, you'll be right.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55There's a few down here that look a little too obvious.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Oh, shit, yeah, you have to!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- LAUGHTER - You have to. One, two, three...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Yeah, come on, yep, four.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08And I'm going to go one more.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Oh, yeah, two rows back. You, fella, come on down.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12All right, here we go.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15WOLF-WHISTLE
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Oh, hey, Nick. sorry. How are you with stairs?
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Yeah, I can do it, mate.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Yeah, cool. Right.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22I just realised I picked on Nick Hamilton!
0:07:22 > 0:07:23CHEERING
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I know.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27That's right, Adam,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29find a guy with cerebral palsy make him walk upstairs.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:36They didn't think to put a ramp in for you, did they?
0:07:38 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:07:46 > 0:07:49All right, all right, I think this is going to work!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Now, we've got every member you would find in a boy...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54I'll need to swap you round a little bit.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Yeah, you don't have the dodgy guy at the end.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Look at this, we've got the buff guy that the ladies are going to love,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06we've got the slightly nerdy guy that the weird girls are going to
0:08:06 > 0:08:11get into, we've got the rebellious bloke, we've got the one...
0:08:11 > 0:08:13Well, you're probably the one who can sing
0:08:13 > 0:08:15cos I can see no other talent there.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:18 > 0:08:21And we've got the guy who'll become gay. So...
0:08:21 > 0:08:22LAUGHTER
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Right, every boyband member has to have their own look.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Now, I'm going to try you, Nick, I'm going to try you with this.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Your look, when I go, just hands down in front...
0:08:37 > 0:08:38- Nice! - CHEERING
0:08:39 > 0:08:41All right, awesome.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Yours...fold your arms, turn side on.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Brilliant! You're Superman, hands on hips.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER
0:08:50 > 0:08:52You've got one arm behind your head.
0:08:52 > 0:08:53Nice!
0:08:55 > 0:08:59You, er, you've got both arms behind your head.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Awesome, awesome.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Now, if I do this we have an album cover.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:09:10 > 0:09:13There's more to it than this, though, there's more to it than this.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18So at some point I'm going to click my fingers.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20When I, go into your boyband pose, OK?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Right, now, this is going to...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I don't know if this is going to work.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Then at some point I'm going to say "Dance".
0:09:26 > 0:09:28LAUGHTER
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Now, we've got Brendan Cole here from Strictly Come Dancing.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34He's not going to need to teach you steps, this is very easy.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36It's a man dance, it's right foot, left foot.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Just try that. Yep, you got it.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44That's perfect. If you get out of step with everybody, just stop,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47they'll come back to you and you join back in again.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- It's absolutely fine. - LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:53We can all do this. And then at some point I'm going to say "Turn".
0:09:53 > 0:09:56I don't how it's going to work but we'll just give it a...
0:09:56 > 0:10:00- WHOOPING - Yeah? Yeah?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02How am I going to do that?
0:10:02 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER
0:10:03 > 0:10:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Yeah, that's a good point.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You know what, yours is so quick no-one sees it.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER
0:10:17 > 0:10:19How's the rest of it, stepping and all that?
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Cool. When you're stepping, if you feel like
0:10:21 > 0:10:24clicking your fingers, feel free. Clap your hands if you want, you'll be fine.
0:10:24 > 0:10:29All right. Everyone, I need starting positions, which is heads down.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35Oh, nice! Heads down, no smiling, no smiling, serious faces.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Can we do something with the lighting?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Can we drop the lighting ever so slightly?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you tonight
0:10:41 > 0:10:45the newest boyband to come out of London. Yeah, the Back Yard Boys!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:47 > 0:10:50OK, you ready, boys? Here we go.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52# You are... #
0:10:52 > 0:10:54No, not all of you! Just one at a time!
0:10:54 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Sorry, we've all gone off a bit early.
0:10:57 > 0:10:58I should have explained that.
0:10:58 > 0:11:02Try and think about something else, reload, you'll be fine.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04When I click at each of you individually, into your...
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Oh, God, is this what it was like in the Pussycat Dolls?
0:11:07 > 0:11:08LAUGHTER
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Jesus, which one's Sherzinger, which one?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Weird in the middle, isn't it? Yeah, all right.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- LAUGHTER - All right, here we go.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Jeez, it is harder than I thought to put a boyband together, isn't it?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24# You are...
0:11:24 > 0:11:27# My fire...
0:11:27 > 0:11:30# My one...
0:11:30 > 0:11:31# Desire...
0:11:32 > 0:11:37- # I love when you say... - WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:11:37 > 0:11:40# That I want it that way... #
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Dance!
0:11:42 > 0:11:46# Tell me why ain't nothin' but a heartache
0:11:46 > 0:11:50# Tell me why ain't nothin' but a mistake
0:11:50 > 0:11:54# Tell me why, I never want to hear you say #
0:11:54 > 0:11:56And turn!
0:11:56 > 0:12:00# I want it that way. #
0:12:00 > 0:12:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Ladies and gentlemen, the Back Yard Boys!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Thank you, guys!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Ah! Ladies and gentlemen, I'll back throughout the night
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- But are you ready for your first act of the night? - AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:12:23 > 0:12:27She's absolutely amazing, she is Andi Osho!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Whoooo!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Wow!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Wow!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Hello, Apollo! CHEERING
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Hey! Excellent!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I'm so glad to you've come out tonight,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53so nice to see people come out to support live comedy.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Cos not everybody gets it, right? The other day
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I was took a taxi, it had a Romanian cab driver and I was trying
0:12:58 > 0:13:01to explain to him live comedy and he was just like, "No."
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Like it didn't mean anything to him.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08And I said, "Well don't you have like live comedy, live comedians in your country?"
0:13:08 > 0:13:10He's like, "No, he is on television."
0:13:10 > 0:13:11LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:15It made it sound like there's one comedian in Romania!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
0:13:17 > 0:13:21"I am your premier comed...ONLY comedian.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24"What you get if you cross Polish man with Latvian man?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26"You cannot, this is homosexuality and is banned."
0:13:26 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:34"An Englishman, an Irishman a Scottish man walk into a bar.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37"Because they are British, they are drunk and alcoholic.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:43"Two nuns are in the bath because there is water shortage."
0:13:43 > 0:13:45LAUGHTER
0:13:45 > 0:13:47I could do this all night.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49So what else has been going on?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Oh, right, this happened - a kid got expelled from school
0:13:52 > 0:13:57for putting a picture on Facebook of his genitals in his teacher's mug.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59LAUGHTER
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Now, that is taking teabagging to a whole new level, innit?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09How did they even know it was him?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Did they dust the mug fro wrinkle prints or something?
0:14:12 > 0:14:15"Yes, that's definitely Jonathan from year 11."
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"How do you know, Headmaster?"
0:14:17 > 0:14:18"I just do!"
0:14:21 > 0:14:24They need good role models. Also, like in celebrity land,
0:14:24 > 0:14:26they need good role models.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Not the sort that are famous for being famous,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31like Peter Andre. God bless his heart but he's made an
0:14:31 > 0:14:3318-year career out of one song!
0:14:33 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER
0:14:34 > 0:14:38So much so that he's even got a perfume called Mysterious Girl.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41Now, call me crazy but surely, as a woman, the one thing you don't
0:14:41 > 0:14:43want to smell like is mysterious?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47You don't want to spray that on and then walk past your mates
0:14:47 > 0:14:50and your mates are like, "Ugh! What is that? Is that egg?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53"You smell mysterious!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"Ugh! Eurgh!"
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Or Cheryl Cole.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Sorry, I just get so angry whenever I see her face!
0:15:05 > 0:15:09Like I was watching her when she was on that Piers Morgan Life Stories bleating on about,
0:15:09 > 0:15:13"Being in Africa and my fight with malaria, erghhh."
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I got so angry but then I remembered malaria's a disease - not the name
0:15:16 > 0:15:20of another toilet attendant she's been kicking the shit out of.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22APPLAUSE
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Yeah.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27NORTH-EASTERN ACCENT: "Take that malaria, you bastard! Give us a lollypop!"
0:15:27 > 0:15:31"We're gonna fight for this, love."
0:15:31 > 0:15:32It's good, innit, I like that one.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Yeah, if she likes hitting people so much maybe
0:15:35 > 0:15:38she should go out with Chris Brown, see how that works out for her!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Yeah, I said it!
0:15:44 > 0:15:45Yeah, I did that joke in Cheltenham
0:15:45 > 0:15:48and this old lady turned to her husband and was like,
0:15:48 > 0:15:52"Chris Brown? Wasn't he the home secretary in 1987?"
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Her husband was like,
0:15:54 > 0:15:59"I think I'd remember if we had a black home secretary, Margaret!"
0:15:59 > 0:16:00He-he.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02That'd be amazing to be a black home secretary,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04if I was a black home secretary...
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Well, if I was home secretary obviously I'd be black but er...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Think it through, Osho!
0:16:11 > 0:16:12That would be amazing
0:16:12 > 0:16:16because I would do the biggest wind up on the Daily Mail ever.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19I would go straight to the BBC news studios
0:16:19 > 0:16:21and do a live broadcast,
0:16:21 > 0:16:24I'd just go... AFRICAN ACCENT: "Good mornin', viewers!
0:16:24 > 0:16:29"As de new home secretary, I want to announce,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32"from now on there will be no immigration laws!
0:16:32 > 0:16:35APPLAUSE
0:16:38 > 0:16:43"Dat's it, de borders are now open!"
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"Tell your friends, tell your family, we have plenty o' money,
0:16:45 > 0:16:49"plenty o' jobs, plenty o' benefits, com, com!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51"Just com, eh?"
0:16:53 > 0:16:55And then close the borders!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59It's tough. It's tough.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Young people do need good role models. I think
0:17:02 > 0:17:05the Paralympians we had last year they were amazing role models,
0:17:05 > 0:17:08and I don't think you can get better than... right?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11APPLAUSE
0:17:11 > 0:17:16I mean seriously, they put footballers to shame, they did.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19I mean John Terry must have watched the Paralympics and just gone,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22"Oh! I get it! I'm a twat!"
0:17:22 > 0:17:25APPLAUSE
0:17:31 > 0:17:33As amazing as the Paralympians were I think
0:17:33 > 0:17:37sometimes we did get a little bit patronising towards them.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Some people went a little bit OTT with all the, "Ah, they're so brave, argh!"
0:17:41 > 0:17:44They're just people who happen to have disabilities,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46they have to train like everybody else.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49They're just athletes and we didn't do this for other
0:17:49 > 0:17:52minority groups, you know what I mean, we didn't watch
0:17:52 > 0:17:55the 100m final going, "Look at the black people running!
0:17:57 > 0:17:58They're just so fast!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03And they're not even being chased!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05APPLAUSE
0:18:09 > 0:18:11But we should all do that next time!
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Apparently, er, this Paralympics that we had here was the most successful Paralympics
0:18:17 > 0:18:21in the history of the games so Rio better change it up.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24They should add new categories for the disabilities.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28They should add non-physical ones. Depression, that's a disability.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32You'd just get a guy sat in the sandpit at the end of the long jump
0:18:32 > 0:18:34going, "What's the bloody point?"
0:18:38 > 0:18:41I hope I haven't scandalised anybody, cos with comedy
0:18:41 > 0:18:44you've got to be careful, you gotta make sure you're politically correct
0:18:44 > 0:18:47and blah blah, but sometimes you know people take it too far and you
0:18:47 > 0:18:50don't wanna be like too caught up in that, the boundaries of political
0:18:50 > 0:18:54correctness - some people do take it too far, like somebody complained
0:18:54 > 0:18:58to IKEA because their instructions only showed men making the stuff.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Now, let me just check, girls, give a shit?
0:19:04 > 0:19:07No! Cos as far as we're concerned that is a win-win situation!
0:19:07 > 0:19:11We'll be watching the geezer building the furniture going,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13"Oh darling, I'd love to help you build this thing
0:19:13 > 0:19:15"but it says you have to do it!"
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Woooo!
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Ladies and gentlemen you've been awesome.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27I've been Andi Osho. Thank you very much, good night!
0:19:27 > 0:19:29APPLAUSE
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Ladies and gentlemen, Andi Osho!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to introduce your next act,
0:19:44 > 0:19:46there is no way to describe this man,
0:19:46 > 0:19:49he is unlike any other comedian you've ever seen,
0:19:49 > 0:19:54you are gonna love him. Please raise the roof for Terry Alderton!
0:19:54 > 0:19:56APPLAUSE
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Ladies and gentlemen, it's so lovely to be here at the O2.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Er...
0:20:12 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I know when I come out here a lot of people don't know what I'm about.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23You look at me and you think to yourself possibly I am...
0:20:23 > 0:20:26CAMPLY: "Hiya, how you doing so nice to be here!"
0:20:28 > 0:20:29And others look at me and think,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31HARD-MAN: "What you looking at, mate?"
0:20:32 > 0:20:34I'm into monkey fighting at the moment.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38It's all imaginary monkey fighting.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42It's all in my mind - no beasts get hurt, one is about to ensue.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45One has a knife the other has a gun but the one with the gun has
0:20:45 > 0:20:48no bullets but the one with the knife doesn't know that!
0:20:48 > 0:20:52LAUGHTER
0:20:57 > 0:21:01But I don't want to come across at any point in my life...
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I don't want women to think I'm wrong in any way but as a man
0:21:04 > 0:21:08I do things I can't help myself for, like when I have a thought when
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I see a girl, I feel terribly bad about it, you know, every
0:21:11 > 0:21:14single time and I think every man in here does it,
0:21:14 > 0:21:18when you see a woman you can't help yourself you have that feeling like,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20a voice that goes, "Would ya?"
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Bearing in mind you women know that this happens next time you go
0:21:25 > 0:21:28to a family do, like a wedding or something like that,
0:21:28 > 0:21:32bear in mind that's going to happen when you're with your new boyfriend that you're so excited about.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35And you're skipping along and you go, "Mother, this is Darren,
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Mother this is Darren. Darren, Mother, Mother, Darren".
0:21:38 > 0:21:40She goes, "So lovely to meet you, Darren,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43"you're such a good looking boy we've been so excited to meet you."
0:21:43 > 0:21:47And he goes, "Mrs Smith, it's so nice to meet you to..." Would ya?!"
0:21:47 > 0:21:53And then you think it's going so wonderfully, let's go and see Auntie Linda.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56You say to Auntie Linda, "Linda this is my new boyfriend, Darren"
0:21:56 > 0:21:59She goes, "Darren, you're such a beautiful looking boy, it's lovely
0:21:59 > 0:22:03"to meet you" he looks at her and goes, "Lovely to meet you..." "Would ya?"
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Let's make it a hattrick.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08So you think, let's go and see Grandma...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Oh, you ageist bastards!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14How do you know she's not a 68-year-old GILF?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16You've seen Blondie, right?
0:22:19 > 0:22:21You go to Grandma, "Grandma, this is Darren,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24"Darren, this is Grandma". She looks at Darren and goes
0:22:24 > 0:22:26"I'd let ya" and so...
0:22:26 > 0:22:28LAUGHTER
0:22:33 > 0:22:36What happens when the one with the knife realises the one with
0:22:36 > 0:22:38the gun has no bullets?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46My wife and I we don't argue very often - the only time we argue
0:22:46 > 0:22:50is over finances and of course, SHE DOESN'T ADMIT THE AFFAIR!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53But apart from that...
0:22:53 > 0:22:55We don't argue over much,
0:22:55 > 0:22:59I MEAN, HOW MUCH CAN YOU SPEND IN BOOTS?!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02No point. But I don't see anything from that, do I?
0:23:04 > 0:23:06So ladies and gentleman,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09I would now like to re-enact my wife and I arguing
0:23:09 > 0:23:11over the finances in our house.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16Tonight, she will be played by my left hand
0:23:16 > 0:23:19and I will be played by me, heheh.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23So this is my wife and I, arguing over the finances
0:23:23 > 0:23:25in our house, thank you.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30SPOOKY DIGITAL ELECTRONICA
0:23:33 > 0:23:35STATIC
0:23:35 > 0:23:38HE MOUTHS
0:23:38 > 0:23:40INDUSTRIAL SIREN
0:23:40 > 0:23:45CALL AND ANSWER BETWEEN BRASS AND WIND INSTRUMENTS
0:23:49 > 0:23:54MUSIC GETS INTENSIFIES, GETTING FASTER
0:23:54 > 0:23:56APPLAUSE
0:24:00 > 0:24:02BELL RINGS
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Winner!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07APPLAUSE
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"Listen, there's the one in the white shirt
0:24:17 > 0:24:21"and the quiffed hair, I don't think he's enjoying himself."
0:24:22 > 0:24:26YORKSHIRE SIBILANT ACCENT: "What you on about? You can't judge someone just cos
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"they're not laughing - he could be laughing inside,
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"you don't know that he's not enjoying himself here tonight."
0:24:31 > 0:24:33"I don't think he really likes it."
0:24:33 > 0:24:35"You don't know that!"
0:24:35 > 0:24:37"What shall I do here?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40"You must forward roll to his girlfriend."
0:24:40 > 0:24:41"What?"
0:24:41 > 0:24:44"Just forward roll to his girlfriend"
0:24:48 > 0:24:51"That could be at least two forward rolls!"
0:24:51 > 0:24:53"It is your destiny."
0:25:11 > 0:25:13CAMPLY: It's lovely to meet you, love.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Click-click!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18APPLAUSE
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Now, I have a question for you. Do you like shoes, madam?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29You do!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31I like shoes as well.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41All right, love?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I'm looking forward to the drive home tonight.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50'What?'
0:25:50 > 0:25:52I said I'm looking forward to the drive home tonight.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56'What you on about, you don't do nothing!
0:25:56 > 0:26:01'You just sit there while I do all the accelerating and braking! You don't do nothing!'
0:26:12 > 0:26:14'Heard you sneaking out last night.'
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Eh?
0:26:18 > 0:26:23'I said I heard you sneaking out last night, where did you go?'
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Went out with a little flip-flop, didn't I?
0:26:29 > 0:26:30'What did you say?'
0:26:30 > 0:26:32I said I went out with a little flip-flop.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35'You can't say that! It's 2013!'
0:26:35 > 0:26:39'You can't call them flip-flops, you gotta call them beach shoes,
0:26:39 > 0:26:40'beach shoes!'
0:26:45 > 0:26:48I don't understand, a lot of my friends are flip-flops.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51'There you go again, it's beach shoe.'
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Well, they say flip-flop.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58'Well, they can, can't they, cos they are flip-flops!'
0:27:04 > 0:27:06'Anyway, what does she look like?'
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Well, you know, they all look the same, don't they?
0:27:09 > 0:27:14APPLAUSE
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Thank you! Dooosh! Winner!
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Ladies and gentlemen, you've been great, I love you, good night!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28APPLAUSE
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Ladies and gentlemen, Terry Alderton!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Often at the end of an act you can come out and say,
0:28:00 > 0:28:02"Hey he's got a DVD coming out or he has got a tour
0:28:02 > 0:28:07but at the end of Terry's act you just go, "Terry Alderton, we're not sure if he's OK!"
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Ladies and gentlemen, have you enjoyed yourselves tonight?
0:28:12 > 0:28:14APPLAUSE
0:28:14 > 0:28:16One more time for the acts you saw, Andi Osho!
0:28:18 > 0:28:20And Terry Alderton!
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Thank you to all the celebs who turned up, thank you to all of you,
0:28:23 > 0:28:26my name's Adam Hills, thank you and good night!