0:00:18 > 0:00:21Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Jack Whitehall!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:32 > 0:00:33Wooooo! Hello!
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:00:40 > 0:00:43And welcome to Live At The Apollo!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46CHEERING
0:00:48 > 0:00:50This, er, this my third Live At The Apollo
0:00:50 > 0:00:53and one thing that people have asked me now, "Jack, you've done
0:00:53 > 0:00:58"a bit of this and that, do you ever get recognised?"
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Normally it's my voice that gets me in trouble, cos this is a voice
0:01:00 > 0:01:04that I'm stuck with, it's not a particularly intimidating voice,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06it's very hard to sound assertive with a voice like this.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08I was in the cinema the other day and behind me
0:01:08 > 0:01:11were these two youths, OK?
0:01:11 > 0:01:15About 13, 14, hooded ne'er-do-wells behind me. They were
0:01:15 > 0:01:17talking very loudly, these rude boys,
0:01:17 > 0:01:19they were having what I like to term
0:01:19 > 0:01:23as a "rude boy cinema club", OK? It went a little bit like this...
0:01:23 > 0:01:27"Here, bruv, guess what I seen the other day on D-V-D?"
0:01:27 > 0:01:30"What you seen on D-V-D, man?"
0:01:30 > 0:01:33"I seen the Iron Lady." "Was it any good, blade?"
0:01:33 > 0:01:37"Nah, it's shit, it's nothing like Iron Man."
0:01:37 > 0:01:40LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I was like, I'm going to have to nip this one
0:01:44 > 0:01:47in the bud for the good of the rest of the cinema. I turned round,
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I was so polite to these young gentlemen. I was like,
0:01:50 > 0:01:54"I'm awfully sorry, chaps, um, but is there any chance that when the film actually starts
0:01:54 > 0:01:59"we can bring this tete-a-tete to a rather swift conclusion?"
0:01:59 > 0:02:0113-year-old boy in my face,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04"Nah! Shut up, Downton Abbey!"
0:02:10 > 0:02:13So, I'm quite posh and I had a posh family upbringing
0:02:13 > 0:02:15and stuff which is why I think I'm so obsessed with
0:02:15 > 0:02:18trying to find the characteristics that make us all British,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21things that link us all whether you're from the north, south, east,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23west, any socioeconomic background - the things that unite us.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27There's one, that I'm a big fan of, one that I think we all possess,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30that is our obsession and adoration
0:02:30 > 0:02:33in this country for free shit, right?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36It's drilled into us from an early age that
0:02:36 > 0:02:39if something is offered to us and it's free, we're going to have it.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Whether it could be a cup of tea or coffee, a complimentary
0:02:42 > 0:02:45glass of red or white wine, a pen, a bowl of sweets, a magazine,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48a sample product that's been erroneously laid out
0:02:48 > 0:02:51at the supermarket - if it's free, it's ours.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54We are a country whose entire healthcare system
0:02:54 > 0:02:58is built upon the solid foundations of being able to convince people
0:02:58 > 0:03:01into giving us their blood, with the allure of free biscuits.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06I mean, woe betide any boss in this country of ours
0:03:06 > 0:03:09who thinks it is a good idea to put his credit card
0:03:09 > 0:03:13behind the bar at an office drinks party. Oh, no, no, no!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15I did temping work before I became a stand-up,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I worked at an office where they had an American boss. At a drinks party
0:03:18 > 0:03:22he put his American Express card behind the bar. Oh, I pity the fool!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25In America, that might work, it would get greeted with praise.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27"Hey, guys, have you heard?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29"Tyler's put his credit card behind the bar!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31"What a swell thing of Tyler to do!
0:03:31 > 0:03:34"We'll make sure that we buy him a round later and I suspect
0:03:34 > 0:03:37"we'll need to leave a pretty substantial tip, period. Yeah!"
0:03:37 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Not in Britain.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46In Britain it becomes like a challenge.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49To see how much it is physically possible to drink
0:03:49 > 0:03:51before that bastard becomes a pay bar.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55You see people having pep talks, geeing each other up,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57"Have you heard?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59"That dickhead's put his credit card behind the bar!
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"We're going to drink so much free alcohol in the next hour that
0:04:02 > 0:04:05"Tyler has to remortgage his bloody house, come on!"
0:04:10 > 0:04:13With this mindset, this mindset we have of liking free shit and taking
0:04:13 > 0:04:16it regardless of whether we need it or not, is not something that has
0:04:16 > 0:04:21been passed across to our European brethren. Our more rashly minded,
0:04:21 > 0:04:25logical German cousins for example, do not think in this same way.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I found this out recently cos for the first time ever
0:04:28 > 0:04:29I used a German airline.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31They were amazing!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Best airline I've ever used, the pilot was brilliant.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36We went through a little pocket of turbulence.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37Now, I am a very nervous flyer.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40He comes in straight away on that PA system
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"Please do not be alarmed!"
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Cue a considerable degree of alarm.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Instantly though we are put at ease by the sheer confidence
0:04:51 > 0:04:53of his next statement,
0:04:53 > 0:04:58"We are experiencing some turbulence problems, but do not worry,
0:04:58 > 0:05:02"I will find solution to the weather!"
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Not to the plane, he'll find a solution to the weather!
0:05:06 > 0:05:10He's there in the cockpit parting the clouds like the god Zeus!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Compare that to the bullshit you're used to on bloody
0:05:15 > 0:05:19budget airlines. I was on a budget airline once, again we were waiting
0:05:19 > 0:05:23on the runway for about an hour, everyone was getting a bit nervous,
0:05:23 > 0:05:25PA system comes on,
0:05:25 > 0:05:29"Hello, erm, ladies and gentlemen, erm, we are experiencing
0:05:29 > 0:05:34"a few technical difficulties, in a few a moments the cabin will
0:05:34 > 0:05:39"go quiet as we kill the engine, before we then re-boot it again
0:05:39 > 0:05:42"and we should be off in a couple of moments."
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Sorry - come again?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52We're on a little metal bird that is about to be propelled through
0:05:52 > 0:05:55the air at hundreds of kilometres per hour,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58and the way you plan on fixing the current problem
0:05:58 > 0:06:03is by switching it off and switching it back on again?
0:06:03 > 0:06:07It's a plane, not a bloody PlayStation!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Make some shit up! What's next, the air hostess
0:06:10 > 0:06:12on the runway blowing on it to see whether that works?
0:06:15 > 0:06:16But that's the problem -
0:06:16 > 0:06:20we all now are in the mindset of travelling with budget airlines so
0:06:20 > 0:06:23when you travel with a nice airline you forget. Like food, for example.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I'm used to buying the food in the airport,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28otherwise it's 10 euros for a panini
0:06:28 > 0:06:31on board that's dry as a camel's fanny, and no-one wants that.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34So I was in the airport, I bought myself a massive Burger King,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37the biggest Burger King that I could muster, burgers, fries, nuggets, everything!
0:06:37 > 0:06:41So much that I had to pay for it as extra baggage. I get on to
0:06:41 > 0:06:43the Deutsche Air flight, I start eating it. I eat so much food,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45you know when you've eaten so much,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47when you sweat you can smell meat on it? I had the meat sweats!
0:06:48 > 0:06:50Ten minutes into the flight,
0:06:50 > 0:06:54the air hostess starts walking down the centre of the plane with
0:06:54 > 0:07:00a trolley, administering as she goes a complimentary cheese strudel!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Now, my free shit radar clocks her immediately.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I lock onto her like the Predator. I'm like, "Oh, yeah, honey,
0:07:09 > 0:07:13"you'd better come on down give some of that cheesy goodness to Daddy."
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Cos my internal monologue is from Harlem.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23She goes down the plane, she's giving out these cheese strudels,
0:07:23 > 0:07:26she stops at a German gentlemen sat next to me, who, like myself,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29had opted to buy something for himself in the airport.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30He'd gone for some salad concoction.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32He looks at her, she looks at him,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34the look lasts no longer than a second.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38But it was as though in that moment everything has been said,
0:07:38 > 0:07:39it is as though the man has gone,
0:07:39 > 0:07:44"Guten Tag, mein herr, but I must point out to you that I will not be
0:07:44 > 0:07:48"requiring your delicious baked goods today because I have decided
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"to instead to partake in the consumption
0:07:50 > 0:07:52"of this totally delicious salad platter
0:07:52 > 0:07:55"of cold meats and pickled vegetables, therefore
0:07:55 > 0:07:58"it would be totally illogical and irrational for me to take
0:07:58 > 0:08:01"from you your cheese strudel.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03"I must bid you farewell, Auf Wiedersehen...
0:08:03 > 0:08:07"and point out how similar I sound to the pilot in this story."
0:08:11 > 0:08:12She walks off, OK?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16She then arrives at my place, she looks at me,
0:08:16 > 0:08:20she looks at my sweaty, meaty face.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21LAUGHTER
0:08:21 > 0:08:25She looks at the carnage on my tray table,
0:08:25 > 0:08:30the sotted remnants of my Burger King meal, she smiles again,
0:08:30 > 0:08:34and then, ladies and gentlemen, she moves the trolley on by.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42"Where do you think you're going?"
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I start panicking, all right? I start looking round my place,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I look above me to see if there is a sign,
0:08:47 > 0:08:51I was not aware that I was sat in the no-strudel zone!
0:08:51 > 0:08:54I beckon her back like a policeman who's caught a drink driver.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57I'm like, "Madam, you'd better park that vehicle up,
0:08:57 > 0:08:59"and I suggest you have a pretty damn good explanation as to what
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"that little moment of madness was about!"
0:09:02 > 0:09:05"Where the hell is my cheese strudel?"
0:09:05 > 0:09:08She looks at me smiling, she's still smiling!
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Like this is some big bloody joke to her,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13and do you know what she says, ladies and gentlemen?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16She goes, "But sir is eating the burger?"
0:09:16 > 0:09:21I'm like, "Yes! I know sir is eating ze burger. Sir bought ze burger
0:09:21 > 0:09:24"from ze airport so sir could eat ze burger on ze bloody plane!
0:09:24 > 0:09:28"But what you are forgetting to remember about sir is that
0:09:28 > 0:09:29"sir is also a British citizen.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"And therefore even if sir had just eaten the nicest meal
0:09:32 > 0:09:36"of his entire life and was so full that the consumption
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"of any more solid matter
0:09:38 > 0:09:40"would cause sir to explode across the cabin,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44"if sir is offered something that is free, sir will take said free item
0:09:44 > 0:09:47"even if by eating it, it will make sir feel physically ill.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"So would you kindly stop making assumptions about
0:09:50 > 0:09:53"my dietary requirements, put that pretty little hand of yours
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"into that trolley and strudel me up!"
0:09:56 > 0:09:59APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:06 > 0:10:09In hindsight, I might have been a little more polite.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13The lady puts her hand into the trolley,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16she withdraws from it one complimentary cheese strudel.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I swipe it from her triumphantly,
0:10:18 > 0:10:22not breaking eye contact for a moment.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26I then take the biggest bite that I could muster.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29It is at this point, ladies and gentlemen of the Hammersmith Apollo,
0:10:29 > 0:10:33that I realised three vital pieces of information
0:10:33 > 0:10:37about the Deutsche Air complimentary cheese strudel.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Number one, it is the hottest thing
0:10:41 > 0:10:45I have ever put in my mouth in my entire life.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49It now feels like I have just given a blow job to the Human Torch.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52Fire coursing through my very veins,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55but do I let this register on my face?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Oh, no, no, no! I do not want to give
0:10:57 > 0:11:00the strudel fraulein the satisfaction.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Number two vital piece of information
0:11:02 > 0:11:06about the complimentary cheese strudel on the Deutsche Air flight,
0:11:06 > 0:11:12it is the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted in my life.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16It tastes as though a tramp has just wrapped his foot in pastry
0:11:16 > 0:11:18and kicked me in the mouth.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It's so gross-smelling and tasting
0:11:21 > 0:11:24that even the head chef at a Wetherspoons would be like, "No,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26"we can't serve them that."
0:11:28 > 0:11:33Utterly disgusting, but do I give up? No, Hammersmith Apollo, I do not
0:11:33 > 0:11:36give up. In a fit of the Blitz spirit, I eat every single morsel
0:11:36 > 0:11:41of that cheesy pocket of misery, as a point of principle.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Whitehall one, strudel Nazi nil.
0:11:44 > 0:11:48The third and final vital piece of information about the Deutsche Air
0:11:48 > 0:11:51complimentary cheese strudel is that
0:11:51 > 0:11:55if you are sat in the first class seats it is indeed
0:11:55 > 0:11:58a complimentary cheese strudel, but, if like me,
0:11:58 > 0:12:03you're in standard class, it costs four euros fifty!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Epic fail.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18That's why the German economy is thriving
0:12:18 > 0:12:20and ours is up shit creek without a paddle.
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Ladies and gentlemen, we have fantastic acts on for you this
0:12:26 > 0:12:30evening and it is my great privilege to introduce you to the first one.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33She is fantastic. I've worked with her on many an occasion,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I'm sure you're going to love her as much as I do, please would you
0:12:36 > 0:12:40give a warm welcome to the stage to the wonderful Katherine Ryan!
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Hello! My name is Katherine, what's yours? Shout it out.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01LAUGHTER
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I talk funny cos I come from Canada.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06But I live in the UK now, which can be very confusing,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09but no, I'm just like you, I'm a British mum.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13I'm your typical British mum really, a young uneducated immigrant.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14That's great.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17MUTED LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Ohhh, no, my daughter was planned...
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Poorly, so poorly.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27I made my little sister the baby's godmother. Yeah,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30cos she was too fat to be my bridesmaid, so.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35That's the rule, that's the rule.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38There are loads of celebrity mums for us to look up to, aren't there?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Kate Middleton is glorious,
0:13:40 > 0:13:44beautiful, classic, beautiful English mum, I love her.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48I remember when Kate Middleton announced her pregnancy.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49I was like, "Awww!
0:13:49 > 0:13:52"I wonder if she'll keep it? Who knows?"
0:13:56 > 0:13:59I know. The young Royals are hot.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00Aren't they hot?
0:14:00 > 0:14:04Prince Harry, ahhh, he is getting serious with his girlfriend,
0:14:04 > 0:14:06I read that in Hell No magazine.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I love Prince Harry, or as I like to refer to him
0:14:10 > 0:14:12the Duke of I-just-came-bridge.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Ladies? Ladies?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18But I know who my hero mum is, ladies,
0:14:18 > 0:14:21my hero mum has got to be Beyonce!
0:14:21 > 0:14:22CHEERING
0:14:22 > 0:14:25I love Beyonce. Beyonce's strong, she's powerful.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28When Beyonce came out as part of, Destiny's Child - that's right,
0:14:28 > 0:14:32she was only 15, like a little baby, 15!
0:14:32 > 0:14:36In pleather trousers, showing off that, like, camel toe -
0:14:36 > 0:14:39in Canada it's moose knuckle, you can have that.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43A little girl in pleather...
0:14:43 > 0:14:44# No, no, no, no! #
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Remember? And everybody was like, "That's fine.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51"That's fine, there goes a strong, powerful, beautiful black woman."
0:14:51 > 0:14:54And when Rihanna came out - same deal, she was very young,
0:14:54 > 0:14:5816 with that # Hey, Mister DJ pump on the replay... #, you know?
0:14:58 > 0:15:03And again everyone went, "There goes a strong, powerful, beautiful black woman."
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Noooo! We all know how that turned out. Not well.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09But when a little white girl puts on a mini skirt and tries to do
0:15:09 > 0:15:12a song and dance... Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan,
0:15:12 > 0:15:14me?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Everybody said, "That's not happening, back in the closet.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19"She must have had terrible parents, no, no." And it's not fair!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Cos all I've ever wanted to be my entire life
0:15:21 > 0:15:24is a strong, powerful, beautiful black woman.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Beyonce is a headline act.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29She headlined the American Super Bowl,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31does anyone watch American football?
0:15:31 > 0:15:32CHEERING
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Do you? Yeah, I do sometimes. Beyonce, that's a big day.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Like, grandparents are there, the kids, all Americans,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40they have this big... Everyone comes together and there's a turkey.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42You know Americans are serious about
0:15:42 > 0:15:44like, sports or genocide when they get a turkey...
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- Erm... - LAUGHTER
0:15:48 > 0:15:51And Beyonce came out to headline that thing.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53In an outfit made of like python and elephant,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55like stuff you should not kill.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02She treated us, to a reunion, y'all, of...
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Destiny's Child - that's exactly right!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07It was # N'n'n'n'n'n'n, Kelly!
0:16:07 > 0:16:08# Can you handle this! #
0:16:08 > 0:16:12And she's like, "Come over here, the other one, can you handle this?"
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Now you know.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22And they had been living under the stage the last four years!
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Cos Kelly popped up on this side and she was ready, right,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29"What's up, Beyonce, hm!"
0:16:29 > 0:16:31And she had the kind of thighs you need to be friends with Beyonce,
0:16:31 > 0:16:35the kind of thighs that could squash a man's head like a grape.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39But the other one!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42What happened to the other one?
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Other one was not expecting a phone call.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55She pops up on this side like, frightened,
0:16:55 > 0:16:56like a little deer in the headlights, like,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59"Arghhhhhhh!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01"Erghhhhhh!"
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Skinny, like rickety crickets,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05like degenerative bone disease,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07some kind of muscle atrophy,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09she's probably great,
0:17:09 > 0:17:11# All the single ladies... #
0:17:11 > 0:17:14If you put a ring on it you would snap this bitch's finger off!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16APPLAUSE
0:17:18 > 0:17:20"Arghhh!"
0:17:20 > 0:17:24And after like two lines each, Beyonce dismissed them.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27She's like, "Thank y'all, thank y'all Kelly.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29"Thank y'all...Not-Kelly..."
0:17:31 > 0:17:35"Goodbye." And they're like "Arghhhhh!"
0:17:35 > 0:17:38She's like "That's what happens when y'all don't practise!"
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Beyonce became more powerful as a mother, didn't she, didn't she?
0:17:50 > 0:17:52I know what changed - it was the hips.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54They went from like the little,
0:17:54 > 0:17:55# No no no #
0:17:55 > 0:17:59Straight into the Beyonce hips we know and love today.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00She can't stop the hips now,
0:18:00 > 0:18:04Beyonce walks to the grocery store this way now, like uh-oh!
0:18:07 > 0:18:10"Milk and bread, milk and bread for Beyonce."
0:18:10 > 0:18:13CHEERING
0:18:13 > 0:18:15"Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh!"
0:18:15 > 0:18:19This is Beyonce queuing at the bank, "Uh-oh, uh-oh!"
0:18:19 > 0:18:22That's a powerful woman!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24You saw Miley Cyrus at VMAs.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26This is not a dance...
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Twerking is a victim's dance. It's a cry for help.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33LAUGHTER
0:18:33 > 0:18:35"Erggggg!"
0:18:35 > 0:18:38CHEERING
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Nah. No...
0:18:40 > 0:18:42You know, you don't want to dance like that,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45you want to dance like Beyonce. You can be sexy but dance like Beyonce,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48like you sit on a dick and rip it off.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Beyonce is so powerful, she reinvented sexy face.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58You didn't even notice, did you?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Sexy face, what did it used to look like, girls?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Show me a little sexy face.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Look at you, a little smile, a little, hey now! WRONG!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Sexy face, practise with me, thanks to Beyonce,
0:19:09 > 0:19:14is - there's a bad smell and you're angry about it.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:22 > 0:19:25You come at your man like this tonight, like.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32He'll be like, "It was the dog!"
0:19:36 > 0:19:41Thank you so much for listening, I'm Katherine Ryan, see you soon.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44APPLAUSE
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Katherine Ryan, ladies and gentleman! Wow!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59So before we go on, I want to welcome some of the celebrity guests
0:19:59 > 0:20:01that we have on tonight.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I am so excited to see some of the faces in the crowd.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08Oh, my God, as a big fan of the underground music scene
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I am so pumped that we have got one of the dopest,
0:20:12 > 0:20:16one of the sickest musicians around, Tinie Tempah...
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Will you look over there, it's one of the Pussycat Dolls!
0:20:19 > 0:20:23Kimberly Wyatt from the Pussycat Dolls!
0:20:26 > 0:20:30Ladies and gentlemen, we have another fantastic act for you to
0:20:30 > 0:20:32enjoy. I'm such a massive fan of the next guy I'm bringing out.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35I'm so excited he's on the same show with me, you're going
0:20:35 > 0:20:37to absolutely love him. Will you please give a warm
0:20:37 > 0:20:42Hammersmith Apollo welcome to the fantastic Rich Hall!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Thank you!
0:20:58 > 0:21:05What a glorious, internationally star studded evening of comedy -
0:21:05 > 0:21:11you've had British and Canadians and now the American.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15Now the token American fella,
0:21:15 > 0:21:19it's like a UN council of comedy for you, isn't it?
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- Can you feel the difference between the Canadian and the American?- Yes!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Yeah. Aside from the lack of guns.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30I have to, cos people ask me all the time now,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33"So, Rich, does everybody in America own an assault rifle?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35"Is it mandatory?"
0:21:35 > 0:21:37"Er, no."
0:21:37 > 0:21:39"Then why?"
0:21:39 > 0:21:41"I don't know, maybe because Americans have guns."
0:21:41 > 0:21:43"Well, why not get rid of them?"
0:21:43 > 0:21:45"That would be like trying to stop obesity
0:21:45 > 0:21:47"by getting rid of spoons, all right?"
0:21:49 > 0:21:51It's not going to happen, cos Americans have guns
0:21:51 > 0:21:54and we're not getting rid of them cos there's always some guy
0:21:54 > 0:21:58in a camouflage outfit with an AR-15 going "Arghh!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01"The Second Amendment says I have the right to carry..."
0:22:01 > 0:22:05That was written 220 years ago, you prick.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07WHOOPING
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I don't think they foresaw you were going to own an AR-15
0:22:10 > 0:22:14with a laser sight on the top and a 200 magazine clip.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18I think they were thinking of muskets.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24That's why they pulled a quill out of a duck's back
0:22:24 > 0:22:26and dipped it in ink and wrote it into law.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28I was reading a cover of a magazine in America,
0:22:28 > 0:22:32cos we have all these gun magazines and there's one called Guns & Ammo.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34This is the, this is the headline of the article,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I didn't even read the article, this is just the headline -
0:22:37 > 0:22:41"Which is better for capturing a mallard: Kalashnikov or Browning?"
0:22:42 > 0:22:44How about a piece of bread?
0:22:47 > 0:22:52The state of Iowa has just passed a law,
0:22:52 > 0:22:57it's now OK to get a hunting licence in Iowa, if you're blind.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00If you're blind!
0:23:00 > 0:23:04I'm pretty sure that bill was introduced by deer and pheasants.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11So the government, you know they have every opportunity to pass a gun law
0:23:11 > 0:23:13but they never do, they never do.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15"Well, it's going to happen again, don't worry."
0:23:15 > 0:23:17"Well, what if it happens?" "It's going to happen."
0:23:17 > 0:23:18"We need to pass a law."
0:23:18 > 0:23:20"Nope, we're not going to pass a law
0:23:20 > 0:23:23"because of the National Rifle Association."
0:23:23 > 0:23:26That's the gun lobby - and they just say, "Well,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28"it's not our problem people go a bit nutty,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31"you can't regulate nutty."
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Well, what about if some guy gets tooled up
0:23:33 > 0:23:36because he's just watched a Batman film and then he goes off
0:23:36 > 0:23:40to a cinema and shoots other people dressed as Batman characters?
0:23:40 > 0:23:44You don't think that has something to do with violence on television?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"No. People know the difference between what they see on television
0:23:47 > 0:23:49"and real life."
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Oh, yeah, then how come there's advertising?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55You people will go out and buy insurance
0:23:55 > 0:23:57because a meerkat told you to do it.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59And you're pretty normal people.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Americans get all tooled up, then they go out
0:24:04 > 0:24:08and imitate other behaviour and well, there it is, it happened again.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10So, right, the NRA has an answer.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Someone says, just asks them point blank all the time,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16"So what are you going to do about shootings in schools?"
0:24:16 > 0:24:19This is the NRA's actual answer, this is their solution.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22"Well, let's arm the teachers."
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Man, that makes sense.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Most of us know teachers who can't even pass by a white board
0:24:27 > 0:24:30without getting covered in ink, we're going to give them a gun!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34They'll be standing in the classroom
0:24:34 > 0:24:37going, "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39"Last week they gave me blunt scissors!"
0:24:41 > 0:24:42"Now I've got a gun..."
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Cos there are teachers in this room,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46ladies and gentlemen, who know full well,
0:24:46 > 0:24:50if you had a loaded pistol in the classroom...
0:24:50 > 0:24:54I'm not saying you'd fire it, but you'd probably wave it about a bit...
0:24:54 > 0:24:57"Timmy, I told you to sit down!"
0:25:05 > 0:25:09I had horse meat in Montreal last month,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12this is something the Brits, are kind of upset about.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15But not really.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17I had horse meat and it was in Montreal
0:25:17 > 0:25:20so it was prepared by French and it was delicious.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23I didn't order it, someone else ordered it and I had a bite
0:25:23 > 0:25:25and I thought, "Wow, horse meat tastes pretty good." But when it
0:25:25 > 0:25:30happens in Britain you go, "Hey, how could this possibly happen?"
0:25:30 > 0:25:34"What? They've been putting horse meat in our frozen lasagne?
0:25:34 > 0:25:35"I'm shocked!"
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Who's walking through the supermarket like,
0:25:39 > 0:25:42"Come here, fella, hey, do you work here? What's your name, Alex?
0:25:42 > 0:25:46"Alex, I'd like to treat myself to a sumptuous Italian meal.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49"Can you help me?"
0:25:49 > 0:25:50"Er, certainly, sir.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53"We sell a pasta-making machine right here at the supermarket - you can
0:25:53 > 0:25:56"make your own pasta and we have rows of fresh vegetables,
0:25:56 > 0:26:00"cheeses and spices." "Right, I forgot to mention
0:26:00 > 0:26:04"I have no domestic skills or self-respect."
0:26:05 > 0:26:08"Oh, well, we have a takeaway counter there
0:26:08 > 0:26:11"that makes a fresh lasagne bolognese, that was made today,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14"you can just take that home and heat that up in your oven for 30 minutes."
0:26:14 > 0:26:18"That would involve a certain amount of time, wouldn't it, there, Alex?"
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"What do you have that comes in a box?
0:26:24 > 0:26:29"That's just a coagulated big mass of animal and vegetable decay,
0:26:29 > 0:26:34"that's just kind of been wedged into a plastic hospital bedpan,
0:26:34 > 0:26:39"that I can shove into a microwave and twirl round and watch it as it
0:26:39 > 0:26:42"comes around and every time it does give a big screw-you to my mother,
0:26:42 > 0:26:44"and her mother and her mother and anyone who ever spent
0:26:44 > 0:26:48"countless hours in the kitchen making tasty, palatable meals..."
0:26:50 > 0:26:55"What do you have for less than a pound that I can parade through the
0:26:55 > 0:27:01"supermarket so everyone can see what a loser I am with my meal for one,
0:27:01 > 0:27:03"and a serving suggestion on the front
0:27:03 > 0:27:05"I don't even intend to live up to?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08"I just want to stand in my own kitchen in my underpants eating
0:27:08 > 0:27:14"something unidentifiable out of Frisbee with a shoehorn for a spoon?"
0:27:16 > 0:27:19"I want to shove it into an irradiated box and stare through
0:27:19 > 0:27:24"the window like a warden on Death Row who just strapped his own dignity
0:27:24 > 0:27:28"to the electric chair and then fried it at 50,000 watts..."
0:27:28 > 0:27:30LAUGHTER
0:27:30 > 0:27:31"You got anything like that?"
0:27:33 > 0:27:38"But I don't want any horse meat in it,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40"cos I have standards."
0:27:40 > 0:27:42APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:46 > 0:27:50There was horse meat in the meatballs at IKEA!
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Christ, you can't even take your family out to a furniture store
0:27:53 > 0:27:56for a decent meal any more! What the hell is going on?!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, I'll see you again!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11The fantastic Rich Hall!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a fantastic audience,
0:28:18 > 0:28:20you've seen this evening -
0:28:20 > 0:28:24- the brilliant Katherine Ryan... - CHEERING
0:28:24 > 0:28:26- The wonderful Rich Hall... - CHEERING
0:28:26 > 0:28:29I've been Jack Whitehall, thank you very much, good night!