0:00:18 > 0:00:22Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight,
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Nina Conti!
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Woo! Thank you!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Thank you so much!
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Wow, this is thrilling! Live At The Apollo!
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Hello, welcome!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44I am your host, hello!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Now, I'm not hosting alone, I have a friend with me in here.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52He's really the main guy, he writes all my jokes.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Can we please give it up for Monkey?
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Hello, ladies and gentlemen. CHEERING
0:00:57 > 0:01:00What a thrill. Good Lord, look at this!
0:01:00 > 0:01:01They know it's ventriloquism?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Yeah, they catch on quick.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Look at her, standing there, trying not to move her mouth.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08What a tosser.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Can you get rid of the bag?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Yeah, you don't have to be in the bag the whole time.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14There's no going back!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16No, there's no going back, so here we are.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Here we are in the now, Live At The Apollo.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Look at all these...
0:01:19 > 0:01:20these folk.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Yeah, these folk, these celebrities.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25I'd love to talk to some of these celebrities
0:01:25 > 0:01:28but, unfortunately, Nina doesn't watch your shows.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30That's not true!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Look at Bill Oddie there, what's he doing?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- What have you got there, Bill? - It's a badger.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- It's a badger?- Does he talk?
0:01:36 > 0:01:37- Er, no.- No?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Your hand is up his arse and he still doesn't talk?
0:01:41 > 0:01:42What's his name, the badger?
0:01:42 > 0:01:46He's just Badger, he represents all the badgers in the world.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Is your badger free after the show, cos I'm going to get in there!
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Monkey!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Who knows what species we might create?
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Oh, goodness, Fiona Bruce!
0:01:57 > 0:01:58Hello, Fiona!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01You're such a hottie, I wish I was on your hand.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Erm...
0:02:03 > 0:02:04I'm going to move on to you, sir.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06You are gorgeous,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Nina fancies you, that's why I said that.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- What do you do? - Are you legal?- Monkey!
0:02:12 > 0:02:15- I'm sorry, what do you do? - In sixth form at the moment.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17You're in sixth form? Excellent, excellent.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21APPLAUSE
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Oh, dear me.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Look at her, all dressed up, trying to look so nice
0:02:27 > 0:02:30and then she sticks a monkey on her tit and it all goes wrong.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Erm...
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Are you sixth form, too?
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- Unlucky.- And are you Mum?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38- Yes.- You're Mum to him.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41- OK, good.- And is this your husband?- No, Monkey!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- It can't be, are you..? - My nephew.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45It's your nephew...
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I'm so sorry, it's really deviant!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- You're all very welcome. - What do you do, lady?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- What's your name? - Kay.- Your name is Kay.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54I work in a school kitchen.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56- You work in a school kitchen? - Sloppy...
0:02:58 > 0:03:01OK, I'm glad I didn't finish that sentence.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Well, you're all very welcome.
0:03:02 > 0:03:06Monkey is going to back off, we're not going to bother you any more.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09We're going to do some old-fashioned entertainment.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- What are we going to do, Monkey? - Sing a song.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Monkey, I can't sing. - Oh, what a dead weight.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17I carry her, you know.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19No, something else.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Like something from the old days of entertainment, where we come from.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- OK, hypnosis.- Hypnosis, how is that going to work?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Just choose someone eager to please. Someone easily led.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- And you hypnotise the hell out of them.- Who is that going to be?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- It's going to be you. - OK. You are going to hypnotise me?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41Yes, I am, please sit on the stool provided.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- OK. On here?- Yes, sit down. - Do you want to sit on this?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- What is it?- It's just something they made for you to sit on.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Couldn't look less like a tree, Nina.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Is it safe?- Yes.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55My heart's not in this.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00So, what do I do for you to hypnotise me?
0:04:00 > 0:04:05- You just have the focus on something that you find relaxing.- OK.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- Like the exit sign. - No, it was just there.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I'll look dead ahead. How does it work then?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- I'm going to count from three to one.- Mm-hm.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17- And when I get to one, you'll be asleep.- OK.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21- Why are you laughing?- I don't really believe in this kind of thing.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23And yet you think I'm real?
0:04:23 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Just wait till Planet Of The Apes happens for real.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Your arse is mine.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- OK, I think I'm ready to be hypnotised.- OK, three.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- You are suddenly feeling quite tired.- OK.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47Two, your eyes are beginning to close.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Let them close.
0:04:48 > 0:04:54One, you are now in a deep level of trance.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00LAUGHTER
0:05:00 > 0:05:03APPLAUSE
0:05:15 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER
0:05:21 > 0:05:24NO SOUND
0:05:32 > 0:05:33Oh!
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- What happened? - I couldn't bloody talk!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38What did you expect?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I don't know, I hadn't thought it through.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- We're going to try it again.- How's it going to be different this time?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46This time I want you to retain
0:05:46 > 0:05:50the part of your brain where I reside, keep that awake.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- OK.- And then you go to sleep.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- I'll try.- OK.- All right, I'm ready. What do I do?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59- Three, you are feeling tired.- OK.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Two, your eyes are closing.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05One, you are in a trance. Don't lose me.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Don't lose me. Testing, testing.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13One, two, three, OK, we're cooking with gas.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Now, earlier, you said you couldn't sing.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Well, that doesn't mean I can't.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24So now I've got you in a compromising position, I might take advantage.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30If you can hear me, I'd like you to raise your finger.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32No, not on this hand, you idiot!
0:06:32 > 0:06:34LAUGHTER
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Oh, God!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40On your hand without the monkey on it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44OK, good.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48All right, we're ready. I'm going to sing. Can I have track one, please?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I'd like to sing an aria.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Puccini
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Yes, it's quite ambitious.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01I'm not sure she's up to it.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Let's see if I can do it.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Here we go.
0:07:05 > 0:07:11# Dilegua, o notte!
0:07:11 > 0:07:16# Tramontate, stelle!
0:07:16 > 0:07:20# Tramontate, stelle... #
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Wow, that's low for a girl!
0:07:22 > 0:07:28# All'alba vincero... #
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Breathe, Nina.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33# Vincero... #
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Breathe, Nina, I'm dying, I need more air.
0:07:35 > 0:07:42# Vincero! #
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Thank you very much.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Thank you so much.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Oh, it's so classy without you here.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00OK, wake up.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Oh!
0:08:01 > 0:08:06- What happened?- You took your clothes off, it was ill-judged, Nina.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09The badger died of fright.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14So, are you done with your thing, what you were going to do?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Yes, I'm done with it. That's excellent, thank you.- OK.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- So I get up?- Yeah, you get up.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21God, I want freedom.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22I'm sorry, you can't have it.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I live vicariously through her all the time.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27It's so depressing, I've had it up to here.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- Lift it. Here.- OK.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Was there anybody else you wanted to talk to on the front row?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34I'd like to talk to you a little more.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- Is it fun in the school kitchen? Do you have japes.- Yeah, it's OK.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42You do? What do you cook? What's the nicest thing you cook?
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Spaghetti Bolognese. - Spaghetti Bolognese.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48That's the nicest thing she cooks, ladies and gentlemen.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I'd love to try some. Listen, are you...
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Are you free to help out with our act for a little minute
0:08:54 > 0:08:58cos Nina needs a new puppet and I think you might be the one.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59- Would you join us?- Yes.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03OK, Kay is going to join us on the stage, ladies and gentleman.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- APPLAUSE - Thank you very much!
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Keep clapping, keeping clapping.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09We don't want her to lose heart.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I'm going to take my bag now.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13What are you going to do, get her to get in the bag?
0:09:13 > 0:09:14No, I'm not.
0:09:14 > 0:09:15Thank you so much, Kay.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19OK, I'm going to go now, and from now on you're taking over, OK?
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Good luck!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Now, what I want to do, Kay, is just give you a make over
0:09:24 > 0:09:26which is going to take the heat off you
0:09:26 > 0:09:29and then you don't have to worry about what you say.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31I'm going to do your talking for you.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- I'm just going to put this on you. - OK.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35OK, thank you, Kay.
0:09:40 > 0:09:41Fantastic, how are you feeling?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Ha-ha, loving it!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE
0:09:49 > 0:09:51You all right?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- Ha-ha-ha! - SQUEAKING LAUGHTER
0:09:55 > 0:09:58- You've got a funny laugh! - I've got a funny laugh!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03- You all right? - Yeah, I love it!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08We don't have this much fun in the kitchen!
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Oh, dear, how lovely!
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Yes, isn't it lovely? Look at this.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I'll just hold my hands together like this.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19- You will?- No, I'll let them go.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22HIGHPITCHED GIGGLE
0:10:25 > 0:10:29SHE SQUEAKS INTERMITTENTLY
0:10:29 > 0:10:30Are you all right?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Yeah, I can't decided what to do with my hands. I can't decide.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Oh, dear, they're here for...
0:10:35 > 0:10:37No, they're here. No, they're here.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Where will they go next?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I have no idea!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Here they go...
0:10:45 > 0:10:46behind the back!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51And here they are again!
0:10:51 > 0:10:52That's lovely!
0:10:52 > 0:10:53It's the disappearing hand trick.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54It's really nice.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I could do this for hours, couldn't I?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- They've gone again! - They've gone!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Where are they?
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Here they are!
0:11:07 > 0:11:08That's brilliant!
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Oh, yeah, love it. I love it, I'm a natural. I'm a natural performer.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13That's amazing!
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Just the hand movements, that's all you need.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17There they are.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Magic hands!- Magic hands! Amazing!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Yeah, always on the move, there they go.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Oh! Hiding them!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Where are they now, ladies and gentleman? There they are!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Fantastic!
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Oh, where are the fingers? There they are, magic hands.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Wonderful, magic hands. So what else do you do with them?
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Oh, I do mime.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- Mime?- Yeah, you know, like the brick wall.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47There it is, you can see it there, that's...
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- What is it?- It's a robot. - It was a robot?
0:11:51 > 0:11:54SHE GIGGLES
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Magic, magic hands!
0:11:56 > 0:11:57I love it, what else do you do?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Oh, I do lots of mimes, like this one.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03What's that?
0:12:03 > 0:12:04It's just, er, tassels.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Lots of tassels hanging down.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Sort of like a tassely thing.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10A tassely thing?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Yeah, you know, one of those things.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14I don't know what you mean.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17You know, with tassels and things and those bits.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18That's amazing!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Oh, you can see it, can't you? There it is!
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- I'm insane!- I love it!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I'm mad, me. I'm such a tiger inside!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I love it!
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Oh, dear, fingers, fingers.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- That's wonderful, so... - Can I do my whole act?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- Sorry?- I'd like to do my act.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Well, more than the mime?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Yeah, I mean, this is some of what I do, but...
0:12:44 > 0:12:45That's great. I mean, it's so fast!
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Yeah, you just can't keep up with me, can you?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50- I can't get enough! - It's amazing.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Yeah, one of those, one of these, some of them!
0:12:54 > 0:12:58HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Sure, you can do your act - what do you do?
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Oh, I do a bit of juggling.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Yeah, yeah. It's good with balls, though.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08- Yes, I bet.- Have you got any?
0:13:15 > 0:13:20I'm presuming you haven't, hence shaking my head. Have you got any?
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Have I got any balls? Yes, I have.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Oh, excellent!
0:13:26 > 0:13:27- Hand them over!- Really?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Yeah, I'll do the juggling.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31All right.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- OK, there's two.- OK, I'll need one more, one more.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Oh, my God, that's amazing!
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- Wow!- Can I have three?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- You can do three as well? - Oh, yeah.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49I can't believe you can...
0:13:52 > 0:13:55What the hell, I'll just throw them into the crowd!
0:13:55 > 0:13:56That's for you, Bill Oddie!
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- There's one there. - Yeah, just leave it there.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02It's fine.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06That's really good, I can't believe you can juggle.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Yeah, you couldn't do your normal jokes, could you?
0:14:09 > 0:14:10Cos I could juggle.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Keeping you on your toes, aren't I?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- That's brilliant. - And there's something else I do.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19You want to do it here now?
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Yes, I think they're liking it.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23OK, what would you like?
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Can I do my balloon modelling?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28- Yeah, sure.- Have you got a balloon?
0:14:28 > 0:14:29Yes, I have.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31What are the chances!
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- There you go.- Oh, lovely, OK. I'll just stretch it out.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- Have you got a pump? - Yes, I've got a pump.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Hand it over.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42There you go.
0:14:43 > 0:14:44Put it in like that.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Insert it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Don't look at me doing this. Oh, there it goes!
0:14:51 > 0:14:53I'll just fill it up like this.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54- That's amazing.- All the way.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- Wow! That's really long! - Yeah, yeah.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57Oh, my goodness!
0:14:57 > 0:15:00I'm crazy, me. Anything could happen now!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Wow! I like to fill it really full!
0:15:04 > 0:15:07No-one's ever done this!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Yeah, well, I'm keeping you on your toes. I'm mad, me.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- Is this your balloon modelling? - Yeah, it's a snake!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19That is the fullest I've ever seen one!
0:15:19 > 0:15:23Yeah, well, watch and learn, Conti, watch and learn.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- What are you doing? - I'm tying it in a knot!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33APPLAUSE
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- Brilliant! - There, you keep that. I'm mad, me.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39I said I was mad.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41The fun we have in the kitchen.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Wow, are you done?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Well, not exactly. I've got my closing bit.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49What's your closing bit?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52I like a cream pie at the end of my act.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Cream pie?- Yeah, have you got the makings of one?
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Well, yes, I suppose so.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00What are the chances?! Hand it over.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04- What, like that?- Yeah, I'll just take that out of the wrapper.- OK.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Have you got any cream?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Well, yes, I've got something you could use as cream.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Hand it over, I'll put that in the bag.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12All right, there you go.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15And I'll simply squeeze the cream all over the...
0:16:15 > 0:16:17All over the base.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Wow, that's loads!
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Yeah, lots and lots, I like lots and lots.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Lots and lots, that's lovely. Look at that - isn't that tasty?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- Wow!- That's better than my spaghetti bolognaise!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30So what then do you do?
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Well, that'd be telling, wouldn't it?
0:16:37 > 0:16:38What are you going to do with it?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Well, I've got a choice, haven't I?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46What's your choice?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Well, I could do you or me or...
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Or my son.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Do you know what you're going to do?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I'm working on it.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Just thinking about it.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10You're just going to throw it into the crowd?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I might, I'm crazy, I'll do what I want.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16What does the crowd want me to do?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18That's the thing you've got to guess, isn't it?
0:17:18 > 0:17:22AUDIENCE SHOUTS SUGGESTIONS
0:17:22 > 0:17:24They want me to do you.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- What? No, not me!- Yes, you!
0:17:26 > 0:17:27- No!- Yes!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33On the count of three, I'm going to do it!
0:17:33 > 0:17:34What are you going to do?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh, my God, you're going to throw it! It could hit anyone!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I could hit Fiona Gruce! Hello!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- Now, that'd be tempting. - No, don't!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47You know what you're going to do?
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Yes, I've decided. On the count of three...
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Really?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Yeah, count to three and then I'll do something.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- What are you going to do? - I'm going to do...we'll see.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01One, two, three...
0:18:01 > 0:18:03AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Wasn't she brilliant?!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11That was fantastic, well done!
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Thank you so much, well done!
0:18:15 > 0:18:18You can go that way, you did so brilliantly.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Ladies and gentleman, thank you very much.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Wasn't she brilliant?!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- Now... - CHEERING
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Fantastic!
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Now keep the applause going for your next act of this evening.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38He's absolutely hilarious and wonderful. You'll love him.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41It's Jimeoin, ladies and gentleman!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:01 > 0:19:04AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
0:19:12 > 0:19:14MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Right...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18How's that for a start, was that OK?
0:19:18 > 0:19:19- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Very important, your entrance.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22You know this, don't you?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25You're fully aware of this. You know when you're in a pub
0:19:25 > 0:19:29and new people arrive in the pub, everybody looks at the new people.
0:19:29 > 0:19:30"Who are the new people?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33"What have the new people got on?"
0:19:33 > 0:19:37So you know whenever you arrive in the pub, everyone's looking at you.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39So you do a good-looking version of yourself.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47You do good-looking looking around, too.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56You don't see anything when you're doing good-looking looking around.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Cos that's not looking around, is it?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00This is looking around.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13You know, that guy on the beach,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15he's gone to get his family ice creams
0:20:15 > 0:20:18and he's come back to the beach and he can't find his family.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34He's in trouble here - it's a hot day,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36he's got to find his family soon!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Do you do that? Do you go, like, two one way
0:20:47 > 0:20:50and then a correcting one the other way?
0:20:55 > 0:20:56Some people do the...
0:20:58 > 0:20:59I don't trust them.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06You never see busy people with ice creams.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08People with things to do.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10You never see a foreman on a building site going,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13"I want all this shit cleaned out.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15"Get on with it, boys!"
0:21:33 > 0:21:35I hope my show's not too blokey.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I always try and do jokes for girls as well.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Keep everybody included.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Don't you hate it when you get an itchy fanny?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54That's why I love a big handbag.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Ain't that the truth?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I don't really mean these clothes, by the way.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13This isn't my look, this isn't what I normally wear.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I just thought I'd dress up for the gig.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18But I don't really mean these clothes.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I mean the belt, though.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Easy!
0:22:26 > 0:22:30That's how it works, belts, just a glimpse from time to time, isn't it?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37I was at the airport going through security, security guard said,
0:22:37 > 0:22:40"Do you mind removing your belt?" I went, "Love to."
0:22:53 > 0:22:56He saw the fun in it, he tipped his hat forward and did...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I don't like the way models come out in new clothes -
0:23:06 > 0:23:10that walk, that over-confident walk that they do.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Then they give you that look as if to say,
0:23:15 > 0:23:17"You'll never be able to afford these clothes."
0:23:22 > 0:23:26That's just not the way you wear new clothes, is it?
0:23:26 > 0:23:27I'd love to see a catwalk
0:23:27 > 0:23:29like the way my wife comes out in a new outfit.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31She comes out...
0:23:37 > 0:23:41APPLAUSE
0:23:47 > 0:23:50Do you think that's how Beyonce takes her bins out?
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Empties the dishwasher...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Cleans the piss from round the bottom of the toilet.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22"Jay Z, there's piss everywhere here!"
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I'm staying at this hotel at the moment.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38It's got revolving doors.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41It's not a great entrance, is it, revolving doors?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43You have to take tiny steps on your arrival.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49And they can see you coming, too. No element of surprise.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50"Look at this idiot!"
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Sometimes your friend gets in with you and it stops - "Oh, you...!
0:24:56 > 0:25:00"Get your own cubicle!" "Oh, come with me now, come with me.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02"Stay close, stay close, stay close.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04"Oh, they're looking at us now,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06"they're looking at us, they're looking at us!"
0:25:06 > 0:25:09"Forget it with this hotel, I'm going to find a new hotel."
0:25:13 > 0:25:14It's just not a great entrance.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17My favourite doors to come through, by the way, are saloon doors.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19You ever come through saloon doors?
0:25:19 > 0:25:22You can push them out of the way quite aggressively...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24do good-looking looking around...
0:25:26 > 0:25:27..tilt your hat back.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32You never see cowboys in Westerns coming through revolving doors.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"There's going to be trouble when I get in here,
0:25:36 > 0:25:38"sort this shit out once and for all."
0:25:38 > 0:25:41HE MUTTERS MENACINGLY
0:25:54 > 0:25:57APPLAUSE
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Or people getting chucked out through revolving doors -
0:26:05 > 0:26:06"Come out, you idiot!"
0:26:16 > 0:26:19I don't like coming through doors in general, I just, you know...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Have you ever come through a hotel door,
0:26:21 > 0:26:23and you've got to walk to the reception area
0:26:23 > 0:26:25and it's just a long way away from reception?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28And the people are looking at you walking through the doors
0:26:28 > 0:26:31and you've forgotten how to walk cos they're watching you walking.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Don't look at me when I'm walking.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Don't need that pressure.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45You're going through an airport and you can see that one-way glass
0:26:45 > 0:26:48and you're thinking, "There's cops in behind that, isn't there?"
0:26:48 > 0:26:50They're looking at me right now.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53I should be doing my "I don't have any drugs" face.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Then you start thinking, "What is my 'don't have any drugs' face?"
0:27:09 > 0:27:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:16 > 0:27:18I forget a lot of my funny thoughts.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22I was in bed the other night, had a funny thought, and I thought,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24"I'll remember that."
0:27:26 > 0:27:30But when I woke up in the morning, I'd forgotten it.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32But I remember thinking, "I'll remember that."
0:27:34 > 0:27:37I thought, "Why didn't I just make that the funny thought?"
0:27:39 > 0:27:40So I did.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50We've got a washing machine in our house.
0:27:50 > 0:27:55And there's parts of the wash I'm not too sure of.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57There's a bit in the middle where it just goes
0:27:57 > 0:28:00"Ommmmm."
0:28:02 > 0:28:05"Omm-omm. Om!"
0:28:07 > 0:28:10That's washing nothing, that is.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13You expect to look in and catch it having a cigarette and a beer.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27Do you ever do spin?
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Don't know if you notice, people give you a warning
0:28:33 > 0:28:35that they're going to do a little spin before they do it.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38They just do a little nod of their head before they go round.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44That's that signal, "Back off, I could be going round here."
0:28:48 > 0:28:51Sometimes I do the nod then don't do the spin,
0:28:51 > 0:28:53just keep people on their toes.
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Washing machine always comes home strong, doesn't it?
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Goes ballistic at the end.
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Always after the final rinse you would swear it was telling you
0:29:13 > 0:29:18this is the big finish. Does that, "Shhh! Shhh!
0:29:18 > 0:29:20"Shun-shun-shun!"
0:29:20 > 0:29:23If you're in the kitchen at that point, you think, "Here we go."
0:29:25 > 0:29:27Starts off, kind of, low.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Moves up in that higher section.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36If it's not plumbed in properly
0:29:36 > 0:29:38it can shake the whole kitchen, at this point.
0:29:42 > 0:29:43Then it gets to the point
0:29:43 > 0:29:46where you just don't think it can go any further.
0:29:46 > 0:29:49And it just kicks in to all these gears you didn't know were there.
0:29:49 > 0:29:53MIMICS INTENSIFYING SCALE
0:29:53 > 0:29:56"Whooooo!"
0:30:05 > 0:30:07SILENCE
0:30:16 > 0:30:20MIMICS DESCENDING SCALE
0:30:20 > 0:30:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:24 > 0:30:26That's all from me, thank you very much!
0:30:26 > 0:30:28Good night, thank you!
0:30:36 > 0:30:39Jimeoin, ladies and gentlemen!
0:30:39 > 0:30:45- What a funny guy! Imagine how funny I'd be if he was a ventriloquist.- OK.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48So, next up is a very funny guy.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50Je-sus, he is a funny guy.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53He's amazing, he's hilarious, you're going to love him.
0:30:53 > 0:30:56Can we give it up for Rob Beckett, ladies and gentleman?
0:30:56 > 0:30:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:09 > 0:31:12Hello!
0:31:12 > 0:31:15- Are we all right? AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:31:15 > 0:31:17I'm Rob and I've got massive teeth.
0:31:19 > 0:31:22Fully aware of that, so you don't need to tell me.
0:31:22 > 0:31:24People think I haven't realised yet and let me know.
0:31:24 > 0:31:28They go, "Cor, you've got massive teeth, ain't you?"
0:31:28 > 0:31:30I go, "Have I? Didn't realise, mate!"
0:31:30 > 0:31:32No wonder me dentist drives a Merc.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37I'm from south-east London. I'm very working class.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39AUDIENCE WHOOPS Working class people in?
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Cos doing this job, you meet a lot of middle-class people.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44I did the Royal Albert Hall, the small room,
0:31:44 > 0:31:47the Elgar room, right, in there with another comedian.
0:31:47 > 0:31:49His mum was in there, we're all chatting, and I was like,
0:31:49 > 0:31:52"Who's this Elgar bloke and why's he got a room? "What's going on?"
0:31:52 > 0:31:56She went, "You don't know who Elgar is? "Your mother would be ashamed!"
0:31:56 > 0:31:59I'm like, "Ashamed? She don't know either!"
0:32:00 > 0:32:04I've texted her and she said, "Ask someone."
0:32:04 > 0:32:06Done that and I'm embarrassed.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09Thing is, my girlfriend's very middle class as well.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12She used to be upper class, but we're together now.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15That's how it works.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17Dragging her down.
0:32:17 > 0:32:21Her family, in their front room they've got four sofas, no telly.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24You just look at each other.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29I've never been in a front room without a focal point before!
0:32:29 > 0:32:32It's like a doctor's waiting room!
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Even they've got a shit telly in the corner.
0:32:35 > 0:32:38I'll be honest with you, after an hour of a group crossword,
0:32:38 > 0:32:40I'll take a measles jab advert.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44They're trying to me a bit more cultured.
0:32:44 > 0:32:46Went to Barcelona, which is nice.
0:32:46 > 0:32:49Went to a spa. Spas are fun, ain't they?
0:32:49 > 0:32:52Had a go in Jacuzzi. Love a Jacuzzi. We all love Jacuzzis don't we?
0:32:52 > 0:32:54Know what I mean? Like, but we're British.
0:32:54 > 0:32:57We love Jacuzzis so much we get in them with strangers.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00I don't even sit next to a stranger on the bus.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04Chuck in a bit of bubbly water - I'm all over it!
0:33:04 > 0:33:08Loving a Jacuzzi, it's fun. You're sitting in there - bubble, bubble!
0:33:08 > 0:33:11Bubble, bubble - oh, trunks - bubble, bubble, bubble, bubble.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14Bubble, bubble - strange bloke, you don't care - bubble, bubble.
0:33:14 > 0:33:19Only problem is, once the bubbles stop, it's a weird bath. Innit?
0:33:22 > 0:33:24It's a weird bath for your new mate.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28It is the only time in your life you'll ever to someone.
0:33:28 > 0:33:32"Come on, mate, stick the bubbles back on to make it normal."
0:33:32 > 0:33:35"It's getting a bit weird in here flat."
0:33:35 > 0:33:38We're trying to get a flat in south-east London. Her family's
0:33:38 > 0:33:40not that keen on her moving here. It's a bit rough,
0:33:40 > 0:33:42get a lot of geezers, lads.
0:33:42 > 0:33:44They love fighting, they're the kind of lads...
0:33:44 > 0:33:46You've seen these lads on a night out that don't say
0:33:46 > 0:33:51any actual words to each other. All night it's just, "Ay-ay, bey-uh!
0:33:51 > 0:33:54"Ay-ayyy", like that.
0:33:54 > 0:33:57I went on a stag do once - 48 hours, no-one said a word.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00"Ay-oop, ay!" - It's like a language!
0:34:00 > 0:34:02It's like Pingu, innit?
0:34:04 > 0:34:06A whole generation of kids watched too much Pingu,
0:34:06 > 0:34:08don't know any actual words!
0:34:10 > 0:34:11"Ay-oop ub-ayyy ay!"
0:34:14 > 0:34:18Me dad's like it. Me dad's a bit of an old-school Pingu lad, me dad.
0:34:18 > 0:34:20He's always lived in south-east London, me dad.
0:34:20 > 0:34:23Not always, he's not Highlander, just born there.
0:34:25 > 0:34:28I like ringing home as well, cos you have mum chat and dad chat.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31I rung home the other week, I was going to the Reading festival,
0:34:31 > 0:34:32to do a gig there.
0:34:32 > 0:34:35I spoke to Mum, classic mum chat - "Oh, what you doing there?
0:34:35 > 0:34:38"What time you home? Who you with? "Da da da da da."
0:34:38 > 0:34:42Told my dad I was going to Reading, he just went, "M25, M4?"
0:34:51 > 0:34:54They love a route, dads, they love it. He don't even care
0:34:54 > 0:34:57what I'm doing there. "What you doing there?" "I'm murdering prostitutes."
0:34:57 > 0:34:59"As long as you're on time, son, don't care.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02"I'll have a convict in our house but no-one who's late, yeah?"
0:35:02 > 0:35:06And he tries... My dad was a lorry driver. Now he's a taxi driver.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08He knows all the roads, I don't know any roads.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11I got sat nav, I don't need to know roads. All I need to know is
0:35:11 > 0:35:15wherever the blue arrow's going, I'm going with him, yeah?
0:35:15 > 0:35:17Dead end? Sat nav says, sat nav goes!
0:35:19 > 0:35:21He tries to give me routes and I have to pretend to know
0:35:21 > 0:35:24the routes so I can feel like a proper son, like we're bonding.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27He'll be like, "Yeah, what you want to do is take the lower road."
0:35:27 > 0:35:29I didn't even know there was a higher road! What is this?
0:35:29 > 0:35:33It's not Play Your Cards Right, Dad, I'm just trying to get to Reading!
0:35:34 > 0:35:37He's like "Do a left, do a right, follow it round." What, the road?
0:35:37 > 0:35:40Cheers for that, I was going to stay still on it!
0:35:41 > 0:35:44He's giving me more directions - "Left, right, left,
0:35:44 > 0:35:47"bey, bo, ayyy!
0:35:47 > 0:35:50"Down the slope on your belly, you're in the igloo."
0:35:54 > 0:35:57I was proper fat as a kid. I'll tell you this, right -
0:35:57 > 0:36:00I was so fat as a toddler, I couldn't wear socks.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Not even joking.
0:36:03 > 0:36:06The elastic in the sock cut off the circulation to my feet.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11I had big, purple feet. Looked like I'd been dipped in Ribena!
0:36:12 > 0:36:15I had to wear jellies for about four years!
0:36:15 > 0:36:19The shoes, not dessert - that's not going to help anyone.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22Diet or stability-wise.
0:36:22 > 0:36:24I remember at school, I was still fat when I was a teenager,
0:36:24 > 0:36:27I had little glasses like the Milky Bar kid.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30I thought I'd use this Milky Bar kid thing to get girls.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32"Hello, girls, Milky Bars are on me."
0:36:33 > 0:36:36They go, "No, they're in you, mate, that's the problem.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42"Stop eating them, you'll be all right."
0:36:42 > 0:36:45I think you want to be grown up too quick. Cos when you're a kid,
0:36:45 > 0:36:47you want to be a grown-up but now it'd be quality being a kid.
0:36:47 > 0:36:50Even being grounded, that was the worst thing as a kid,
0:36:50 > 0:36:53that would come in handy now. If my girlfriend goes,
0:36:53 > 0:36:56"Oh, we need to go to my friend from work's engagement party."
0:36:56 > 0:36:59"Sorry, love, grounded, nothing I can do.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01"You got a problem with it, take it up with Big Suze."
0:37:03 > 0:37:06That's my mum. My mum's Big Suze. The reason we call her that is cos...
0:37:06 > 0:37:08She's not fat or nothing but if you borrow money off her,
0:37:08 > 0:37:12she writes it in a little black book like a loan shark.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15Only reason she's here tonight is I owe her 100 quid.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19But, as well, the worst thing that can be told...
0:37:19 > 0:37:22When you're little, the worst thing your mum can say to you as a kid
0:37:22 > 0:37:25if you're being naughty at a birthday party, your mum goes,
0:37:25 > 0:37:27"You keep being naughty, I'm going to take you home, feed you,
0:37:27 > 0:37:30"bath you and straight to bed!" You're like, "That is awful." Now?
0:37:30 > 0:37:32Absolute quality!
0:37:34 > 0:37:36You're going to drive me home, feed me,
0:37:36 > 0:37:38albeit the bath's a bit weird, but put me to bed?
0:37:40 > 0:37:42Chuck in a buggy, best night ever!
0:37:44 > 0:37:47I like being a bit of a div. It's fun, innit? I can't change who I am.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50Like, me ex-girlfriend didn't really like it, cos I'm a bit of a div.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54I only recently found out that raisins used to be grapes.
0:37:54 > 0:37:56I had no idea!
0:37:56 > 0:38:00No-one tells you. It's not Raisin Grape Day at school, is it?
0:38:00 > 0:38:03Some of you are finding out for the first time as well here.
0:38:06 > 0:38:10I'm forgetful. Sometimes I go upstairs in me mum's house
0:38:10 > 0:38:14get upstairs and go, "Absolutely no idea why I'm up here."
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Me phone, don't need a wee.
0:38:16 > 0:38:20Just sit down in the front room shell-shocked after.
0:38:20 > 0:38:24Me not knowing about raisins and grapes, the worst one is me mum.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26My mum didn't realise sea horses were real
0:38:26 > 0:38:29until my dad took her to an aquarium.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31She thought they were Walt Disney.
0:38:33 > 0:38:36She had no idea. And she was like, "What is that in there?"
0:38:36 > 0:38:39And you laugh, but what an amazing way to live your life.
0:38:39 > 0:38:42It's like us getting to the zoo, seeing Winnie The Pooh and going,
0:38:42 > 0:38:44"What is he doing in there?!
0:38:47 > 0:38:50"And who's got his pants? You can't lock up a kid with him,
0:38:50 > 0:38:52"this is mental!"
0:38:52 > 0:38:55But I'm a bit of a div and I can't help it.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57That's why it didn't really work with my ex-girlfriend.
0:38:57 > 0:38:59This is the argument where I knew
0:38:59 > 0:39:01it was never going to last with her, right?
0:39:01 > 0:39:04I was in the front with her, I was a bit hungry. I said to her,
0:39:04 > 0:39:07"I'm going to get myself a bowl of cereals. Do you want anything?"
0:39:07 > 0:39:08She went, "It's cereal."
0:39:08 > 0:39:11That's not how she spoke, but that's what it felt in me head.
0:39:15 > 0:39:17She went, "It's cereal."
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Which is correct. It's a singular, not a plural.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22It's a bowl of cereal, not cereals.
0:39:22 > 0:39:25It's ridiculous, cos there's loads in there, innit?
0:39:30 > 0:39:33So, I thought, "I've had enough of this, I'm going to mess her up."
0:39:33 > 0:39:34Not in a bad way!
0:39:38 > 0:39:42She could probably take me, if I'm honest with you.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45So, I thought, "Right, I'm going to mess her up." I went in the kitchen.
0:39:45 > 0:39:47Got an empty bowl.
0:39:47 > 0:39:50I put Coco Pops in it.
0:39:50 > 0:39:51And Kellogg's Crunchy Nut.
0:39:53 > 0:39:55That's a bowl of cereals there, guys.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06If they get wise to it, do Coco Pops and Rice Krispies -
0:40:06 > 0:40:09once the milk goes brown they can't tell.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11They're stealth, yeah?
0:40:11 > 0:40:12Bit of Solid Snake.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17Anyway, I'm going back in the front room to have an argument
0:40:17 > 0:40:19I cannot lose and I'm excited about this
0:40:19 > 0:40:22because I've never won an argument about grammar before.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24Apart from "Who's that bloke in Frasier?"
0:40:28 > 0:40:31I'm going back in to have this argument and I can't lose
0:40:31 > 0:40:33because of this little fella, the bowl of truth.
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Right?
0:40:35 > 0:40:39So, I go back in the front room all confident. I swagger into the room.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41It's a small flat - I'm here.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48She goes, "What you got there?"
0:40:48 > 0:40:51I'm like, "Just a bowl of cereals.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55"Cereals."
0:40:55 > 0:40:56She went, "It's cereal."
0:40:58 > 0:41:01I said, "I think you'll find...
0:41:01 > 0:41:04"it's actually Coco Pops and Crunchy Nut.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06"So, up yours!"
0:41:11 > 0:41:13I like being silly, I can't help it, it's fun.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15Me and one of my best mates, Tim, went on holiday.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18He's gay, Tim. He bought a pack of gay playing cards,
0:41:18 > 0:41:20blokes with their willies out, right?
0:41:20 > 0:41:23Basically, what I'm trying to say is they're pornographic ones.
0:41:23 > 0:41:25Not just gay people doing normal things.
0:41:25 > 0:41:29The 7 of clubs ain't Gok Wan gardening, do you know what I mean?
0:41:30 > 0:41:33These are full-on, right?
0:41:33 > 0:41:36And we got them. Get some, it's the best prank you can do.
0:41:36 > 0:41:38We shared a house with a few housemates
0:41:38 > 0:41:40and we hid them in everyone's stuff.
0:41:40 > 0:41:44It's the best thing you can do cos they keep appearing for ages.
0:41:44 > 0:41:48And you can never explain having one gay naked playing card.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54If you've got a pack you can have a game.
0:41:54 > 0:41:57If you've got one, it's like you're sentimental over him.
0:42:01 > 0:42:04So we hid them in everyone's stuff, it was brilliant. We put one
0:42:04 > 0:42:09in my mate's coat pocket. He sold his coat on eBay, got a bit of feedback.
0:42:11 > 0:42:14"The coat did arrive on time, just a cock in the pocket."
0:42:15 > 0:42:18Put one in me mate's wallet. He's in Sainsbury's,
0:42:18 > 0:42:21"Got a Nectar card?" "No, but I've got a flaccid penis if that helps."
0:42:23 > 0:42:27Best one, my mate Jack had an umbrella - popped open like that.
0:42:27 > 0:42:30We got ten cards, put them all in it - we all worked together.
0:42:30 > 0:42:32"Jack, show them how your umbrella pops open"
0:42:32 > 0:42:35Bang! Massive fountain of gay dick everywhere.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44You've been lovely, I've been Rob Beckett.
0:42:44 > 0:42:47Be lucky, I'll see you soon. Thank you very much.
0:42:52 > 0:42:54Rob Beckett, ladies and gentlemen!
0:42:56 > 0:43:00What a night it's been at Live At The Apollo. Well done to everyone.
0:43:00 > 0:43:02Yeah, well done. You've seen Rob Beckett.
0:43:02 > 0:43:04CHEERING
0:43:04 > 0:43:07- Jimeoin!- Jimeoin!
0:43:07 > 0:43:10I've been Nina Conti. Thanks to all of you!
0:43:10 > 0:43:12- Thank you very much, good night!- Thank you!
0:43:12 > 0:43:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE