0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- Wet floor side.- Nothing's wet. - Exactly, a little joke of mine.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Joe. Joe! Joe Wilkinson!
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Too slow.
0:00:11 > 0:00:12Fuse box for the lighting rig.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15HE SQUEALS
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Should be down, actually. Ow.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19Rosie, the make-up lady.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21She's sort of a mother figure.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22HE PRETENDS TO GAG
0:00:22 > 0:00:24- Think she saw that.- Good. She's fit.
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Next time I do that, do it with me. Could be like our thing.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- Gobos. Monitors. Familiar with these things?- Yep.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34- What's this?- Er, I don't know.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37It's just a fucking pencil, mate.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Has anyone, erm, seen my eyeliner?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- Oh, is it like a pencil?- Yeah.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- The make-up lady had it.- Why's she got it?- Probably tarting herself up.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- What? That's not like her. - I know, what a bitch.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Still, though.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52HE PRETENDS TO GAG
0:00:53 > 0:00:57What the F, guys, that is well sexist, yeah?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00- Well done, mate. That tanked.- That's hardly fair, you told me to do it.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Buckle up, Dorothy. Kansas is going bye-bye.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Hello. Welcome.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34This is Live At The Electric.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37My name is Russell Kane, and I'm the third Russell of comedy.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41The one whose hair's got more volume than a pensioner's telly, yeah?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43It's got more volume than your telly!
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- LAUGHTER - Some of you are thinking, "Russ, totes,
0:01:46 > 0:01:49"what is Live At The Electric?" Good question. Tell you what it is.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52It's sketches and characters that will blow your mind,
0:01:52 > 0:01:54introduced by me, yeah. The stand-up,
0:01:54 > 0:01:58the lube preparing you for full comedy entry,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00over and over again. Yeah.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02By the time we finish our relentless pounding,
0:02:02 > 0:02:04there won't be a single comedy orifice on your body
0:02:04 > 0:02:07that's not dripping with the DNA of mirth. That's right!
0:02:07 > 0:02:11I've been loading up my laughter gun with Onken yoghurt,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Papa got some whole-grain in da house tonight!
0:02:13 > 0:02:14LAUGHTER
0:02:14 > 0:02:18I'm talking about yoghurt. You're making it spunk in your mind!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21You may be wondering why I introduced myself so formally.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23It's because I look so horrifically different.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Every time I appear on TV, you must be thinking, what's wrong with him?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Has he taken a fashion pill that's turned him into a total wanker?
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Or is has his personal life fallen apart?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I tell you what happened, I found myself single
0:02:34 > 0:02:35for the first time, by the way.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37And I am straight, just to make that clear for some of you.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41I've now... I know all the people at home and people in the room,
0:02:41 > 0:02:43all the older men have gone, "Thank God.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45"Because I'm not homophobic. But before, when I laughed,
0:02:45 > 0:02:49"it was like you were entering me. No disrespect."
0:02:49 > 0:02:50If you type my name into Google,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54the most predictive word should, at very least, be "comedian", or "TV".
0:02:54 > 0:02:55Do you know what it is? "Gay."
0:02:55 > 0:02:58"Russell Kane, gay." Next one, "topless." Gay and topless!
0:02:58 > 0:03:01What am I doing? Then I realised it's how I move and speak.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I can't help it, I love moving like this.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Yeah.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Some of the boys in the room are going, "Yeah, I don't care.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09"A proper man should be a man.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11"Do you think you can do all that gender politics,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14"and cover up you're not a proper man?" You're wrong, gentlemen.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16There are two competing types of masculinity.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Are there not, ladies? There is, I'm not denying it.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Maybe you more mature ladies, "I'm sorry, I do like a man to be a man.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24"It's old-fashioned, but I like a man who's big, can protect you,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27"can do things around the house, step in, if there's trouble.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29"It's old-fashioned, but I like it, I'm sorry."
0:03:29 > 0:03:33That's fine, ladies, no-one's trying to take that away from you. No-one.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36But, thank God there's another type of masculinity coming through.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39I can see some of my One Direction band mates in the room tonight!
0:03:39 > 0:03:41LAUGHTER
0:03:41 > 0:03:43You all know the second type of masculinity.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Girls that like helpless, thin idiots, like me.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Thank you for that rule, God.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49LAUGHTER
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Some women that are mums will know that's what the girls like.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55"Mum, he's so vulnerable, he even cries at Dog Whisperer.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56"I think I love him."
0:03:56 > 0:03:57LAUGHTER
0:03:57 > 0:03:58"He looks like the vampire one,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01"but he's got the Wolf one's colouring. I can't explain it.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03LAUGHTER
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- HE PRETENDS TO SOB - Convert me, Bella.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06LAUGHTER
0:04:06 > 0:04:08We do.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12How many of these slightly younger heterosexual whippets in the room
0:04:12 > 0:04:14have cottoned on to this, and now play up to it?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18"Oh, my God, I might be gay, that's why I'm doing stand-up about it.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20"Come over, we can talk about it. Hooray.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23"Let's do these Sambuca shots in this well locked room
0:04:23 > 0:04:25"and discuss how camp I am. Hooray.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29"I'm just so vulnerable. Suck me off! I'm sorry, I'm just so sorry!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Time now for our first piece of comedy,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37that's been cultured off-site, in one of our bizarre laboratories.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Ladies and gentlemen, it's Wit Tank!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Well, I must say, Mr Fitzgerald,
0:04:50 > 0:04:54considering the rigorous nature of this interview process,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I think both of us have been very impressed.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02Thank you. I'm just very grateful for the opportunity.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Obviously, we can't promise anything definite at this stage,
0:05:05 > 0:05:09but we would both like to reiterate that we were very impressed.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Thank you.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13So.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15You'll be hearing from us shortly.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31It's not mine.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33APPLAUSE
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Thanks, we'll speak to number 33.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Hello, trouble! Ha-ha.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Hey ya, Ben!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I've got your nose!
0:06:46 > 0:06:50I've got your nose!
0:06:50 > 0:06:51I've got your...
0:06:51 > 0:06:54THE BOYS SCREAMS
0:06:54 > 0:06:56HE WAILS
0:07:00 > 0:07:03I think I'll leave that with you.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05APPLAUSE
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Ladies and gentlemen, it is time now to welcome to the stage
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Joe Wilkinson and Diane Morgan or, as you'll soon know them,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Two Episodes Of Mash!
0:07:23 > 0:07:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:26 > 0:07:28All right?
0:07:28 > 0:07:31How are you doing, all right?
0:07:31 > 0:07:36- Erm. I'm Joe, she's Diane. - Hello.- Erm.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37This is our bit.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41Hope you like it.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Could be, could be awkward.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48SHE MUMBLES INAUDIBLY
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Erm.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Diane likes to have it made clear at the start that we're not going out.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Otherwise she won't do the show. Er.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- Happy?- Yeah.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Er, so, yeah,
0:08:18 > 0:08:19shall we get on with it? Erm.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22Oh, yeah, I should point out at this point that
0:08:22 > 0:08:25our sketches don't really have ends.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31They're just going to sort of peter off.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35So if you're wondering where our sketch is going, it's not.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Hi, Joe, what are you up to?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Oh, hi, Diane, I'm just waiting for my Peregrine falcon to come back.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER
0:08:48 > 0:08:53It's been gone a few hours, actually.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56- HIS VOICE QUIVERS - I'm really starting to worry.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Has he ran off before?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- HE SOBS - I'm sorry, no, he hasn't.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Oh, God. Have you called the police?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Of course I've called the police!
0:09:07 > 0:09:12But they said a Peregrine falcon has to be missing a decade.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Before they put out an APB. I don't even know what an APB is.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- What have I done to deserve this? - Come on, Joe.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24You haven't done anything wrong. You can't blame yourself.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27It's not your fault.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I did fuck it once.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31LAUGHTER
0:09:33 > 0:09:35APPLAUSE
0:09:37 > 0:09:39- Right, that's different.- Is it?- Yeah.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- That's disgusting, I'm glad... - Oh, look, there he is.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Where? - By that chandelier, look.- Oh, yeah.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- It looks like he's been crying. - Yeah, he would have been, yeah.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Come down here, boy, let's get you out of those wet clothes.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56That's it, it just sort of peters off.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58LAUGHTER
0:09:58 > 0:10:01APPLAUSE
0:10:04 > 0:10:08CHANTING Let's play fucking netball!
0:10:08 > 0:10:13Na na-na na! Wa-hey! Na na-na na! Wey!
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Where did you go last night? You fucking mental. Hey!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Got shagged, didn't I?
0:10:21 > 0:10:22THEY CHEER
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Girls on tour!
0:10:24 > 0:10:28- Fit.- Fit as fuck, mate.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Where did you pick him up, in that club?- Nah, outside.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33He couldn't get in. Under age.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34- ALL:- Ooh!
0:10:34 > 0:10:35- How old?- 16.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Just legal. He was gagging for it.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Look what I kept?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43THEY HOWL
0:10:43 > 0:10:45THEY CHANT Oohh! Sam, Sam, the shagger.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Sam, Sam, the shagger.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Sam, the shagger, Sam, Sam, the shagger!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Ah. Who the fuck has put a tampon in my pint?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58THEY SCREAM
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Hey! Girls on tour!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04I'm not having that, get me another one, mate.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Yeah, yeah, and give the barman one from me
0:11:06 > 0:11:08while you're at it, wa-hey!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17I'm gonna piss in her pint.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Not again.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21That's right.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Anyone copping off tonight, then?
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- You got your eye on Larry with the big fingers, haven't you?- Yep.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I might take him off your hands, actually.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39If he fancies a bit of rough, yeah.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41SHE LAUGHS
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Fuck off!
0:11:43 > 0:11:46He fancies my massive boobs! Wa-hey!
0:11:46 > 0:11:50What are you talking about? That's padding. You're faking it.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52It's not what your dad said last night! Oh, yeah!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Oh yeah, right in the fanny!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00SHE GRUNTS
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- What the fuck's going on here? Fucking lesbians or summat?- Fuck off.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- I'm not a lesbian.- I'm not a lesbian.
0:12:06 > 0:12:07Here. Take this. Cheers.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08Wa-hey!
0:12:10 > 0:12:14Whoar! Sarah's pissed in it!
0:12:14 > 0:12:15THEY SCREAM
0:12:15 > 0:12:18THEY CHANT Girls on tour!
0:12:18 > 0:12:19THEY SCREAM
0:12:19 > 0:12:24THEY CHANT Sarah's got her minge out! Sarah's got her minge out!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Na na-na na! Whoa!
0:12:27 > 0:12:29CHEERING
0:12:29 > 0:12:32MUSIC: "The Star-Spangled Banner"
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Hello, Britain. This is Hari Kondabolu, and I'm an American.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Today, I will be discussing British things I don't understand.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Of all things to take from America, you took sleazy daytime TV?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47How about a healthier attitude towards alcohol?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50A general mistrust of anyone wearing a crown?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53A single tap for hot and cold water,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55as opposed to your impractical two-tap system,
0:12:55 > 0:13:00which never leads to a satisfying hand-washing experience?
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Hey, Britain, let's not wash our hands. Let's just repeatedly freeze.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Then burn them. Freeze. Then burn them.
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Why?
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Why do you Brits like pies so much?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13When Indian people want to make food more interesting,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16they add spices to it and they make it delicious.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20You simply take food, and put a pastry hat on it.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21Jeremy Clarkson.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23No real joke here.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27I just don't like cars enough to justify casual racism.
0:13:27 > 0:13:28Guy Fawkes night.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32You light a bonfire every night to celebrate a failed terrorist?
0:13:32 > 0:13:34What are you, gonna light fireworks every four years
0:13:34 > 0:13:38when England loses another soccer World Cup?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Yeah, that's right.
0:13:40 > 0:13:41I said soccer.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43I root for soccer.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Soccer, soccer, soccer!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Soccer! Soccer! Soccer!
0:13:49 > 0:13:50You know what?
0:13:50 > 0:13:53On second thoughts, you can keep the bonfire.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56As long as you burn Jeremy Clarkson.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Good night, Britain.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00APPLAUSE
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Coming up for the second time, it's Two Episodes Of Mash!
0:14:05 > 0:14:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:11 > 0:14:16I, I, I'm going to walk off, for this one. Add a bit of drama.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18LAUGHTER
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Hi! I just moved in upstairs,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26and I was wondering if I could borrow a cup of gherkins?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36This is a bungalow.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38LAUGHTER
0:14:38 > 0:14:41APPLAUSE
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Yeah, yeah, I know, I broke into your loft. Erm.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Give me the fucking gherkins!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55That's how we end, that's it. So, sorry.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- What are you doing? - It's just my insurance form.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Your name's Tom? That's my name.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18I know. It's gonna be a bit confusing.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20It's gonna be a bit hilarious.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24People are going to be like, "You're both called Tom? 0h?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27"You guys must be best friends."
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Yeah.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- What did you put for medical stuff? - It's meant to be confidential.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35IN A GEEKY VOICE It's meant to be confidential.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Translation: I've got an embarrassing disease, like testicular cancer.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42- Why's that embarrassing?- Because you have to show the doctor your balls.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Have you never done that?- Er, no.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Urgh. They're really lumpy.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Very edgy signature, dude.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53That's the date.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Now, the next item is what happens if you cross something like The Wire
0:16:06 > 0:16:10with the original comedy mind of Humphrey Ker.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12I give you The Van.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14APPLAUSE
0:16:23 > 0:16:27"We sell ice cream, or we die."
0:16:27 > 0:16:29"It's as simple as that."
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- VOICEOVER:- Previously, on The Van.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33HE SOBS I'll play ice cream van.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Just like we always wanted. We'll sell ice cream.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38So much of it.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42- Claire. We mustn't. What if she wakes up?- Shush.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45It's been 11 years, Mark.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48She's not waking up.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Oh, God.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50And we both have needs.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53MONOTONE BEEPING FROM MACHINE
0:16:54 > 0:16:58If Mark knew you were pulling this shit.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Please. Don't tell him, Dale.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02What's in it for me?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08How am I supposed to go on selling ice cream after this?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11It's what your dead wife would have wanted.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- Mark, quickly, the Feests. - What about them?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- They're past their sell-by date. - How many?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18All of them.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33You told me these were legit!
0:17:33 > 0:17:342,000 Feests, for 20 quid?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36You knew what you were getting into.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- I'll kill you!- No! Stop it!
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Do it! Do it!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Mark!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44I'm pregnant.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Brilliant. So who's here in couples tonight, give me a cheer?
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I don't want to come across like a sad, sorry case.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Does anyone else not find it tiring, the falling in love stage?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00It's fine, two or three times.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03But once you fall in love four or five times, it gets a bit boring.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Over and over again. That stressful bit at the beginning.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Pretending you're well matched to each other.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Two lying bits of Tetris coming towards...
0:18:10 > 0:18:12"We are perfect matches, we've been going at six weeks.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16"I'm a dog breeder." "I'm allergic to dogs." Ignore it, ignore it.
0:18:16 > 0:18:17LAUGHTER
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I know what it is when you're young.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Not particularly tiddly young,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24but I'm talking like, even 17 to 21.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I think it's more stressful that stage.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Getting to the comfort stage.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30You know where, for example,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34when you're too shy to even poo at a new girlfriend or boyfriend's house.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Is there anything worse than denying that most basic body function?
0:18:37 > 0:18:40"There's no poo in me, just Baudelaire and Beaujolais, look!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43"I don't even have a bum hole, I've evolved it away."
0:18:43 > 0:18:44LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:47"Here's a diamond where my rectum should be, my love."
0:18:47 > 0:18:48HE SINGS OPERATICALLY
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Yeah. I think I'm going home.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- HE GRUNTS FRUSTRATEDLY - Two days is enough.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Don't tickle me.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59APPLAUSE
0:19:02 > 0:19:05There's one thing I never want to see in a relationship, Ls and Gs.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09All right. And, I know there's couples in the room who do it.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Do you know what, if you do do this, go home from this room.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14If you watching this at home, leave, go upstairs now.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17Go online and dissolve your marriage instantly.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19And that's where one of you's in the bath.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22And that's fine to be in the bath with the door open, why not?
0:19:22 > 0:19:24"I'm in the bath. Door's open.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26"You're chopping onions. Different states but connected."
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Random. I just love it.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30That's fine.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33That's nice, when you can see someone while you're there.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36But, if one of you walks into the bathroom, boy or girl, no sexism,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I'm post-modern, remember.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43If one of you walks into the bathroom, continuing that conversation,
0:19:43 > 0:19:47and quite openly sits down on the toilet,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49and has a poo. Right?
0:19:49 > 0:19:52You have lost your way, and your love is dead forever, yeah?
0:19:52 > 0:19:54Dead!
0:19:54 > 0:19:55If a girl did that to me.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I'm straight, remember. I know, just keep your head around it.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59LAUGHTER
0:19:59 > 0:20:01If a girl did that to me and I was in the bath,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I wouldn't even pack my stuff.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I'd run down the street with bubble bath on my knob, going...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08HE SCREAMS
0:20:09 > 0:20:12- I don't want to see it. - APPLAUSE
0:20:12 > 0:20:13I never want to see
0:20:13 > 0:20:17the love of my life, the angel who sends a frisson down my spine,
0:20:17 > 0:20:19doing a walnut whip while...
0:20:19 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Especially if she did poo eyes. Can you imagine seeing her poo eyes?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25- HE GRUNTS - "It's quite...
0:20:25 > 0:20:26stressful at the moment.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30- HE GRUNTS - The office is put under... a lot of pressure.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- HE GRUNTS - There's a real strain in the recession.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34No. No.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35APPLAUSE
0:20:35 > 0:20:39Oh, ladies and gentlemen.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40I might have actually done a turtle there.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43LAUGHTER
0:20:43 > 0:20:45What a lovely audience you are.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47It's time to reward you with the lovely.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Something like this.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:22:12 > 0:22:18"There's nothing worse than finding out what I'll alibi means.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20"After your friend's been executed."
0:22:42 > 0:22:45"We were playing table tennis on the 14th, but...
0:22:45 > 0:22:48"I didn't think it was important."
0:22:50 > 0:22:51APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Joe Wilkinson there, ladies and gentlemen. How about that?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:00 > 0:23:02There's F loads more content at...
0:23:04 > 0:23:08But, what would be the point of all this comedic thrusting
0:23:08 > 0:23:10if we couldn't be bespatter you with a musical climax?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to blink in the viscous talent
0:23:13 > 0:23:14that is the one, the only,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Nick Helm!
0:23:17 > 0:23:19APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:25 > 0:23:28HE SHOUTS Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:23:28 > 0:23:29LAUGHTER
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Are you all right?
0:23:31 > 0:23:33- AUDIENCE:- Yes.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Louder, are you all right?
0:23:34 > 0:23:35- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Louder, are you all right?
0:23:37 > 0:23:38- AUDIENCE:- Yes!!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Let's kick this in the dick!
0:23:40 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:43 > 0:23:45I got to get my guitar.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53What?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Who here's in a relationship?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58AUDIENCE WHOOPS QUIETLY
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Who here's in a fucking relationship? I'm not going to follow you home!
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Who here's in a relationship?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06CHEERING
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Yeah? Fuck you!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10This is a song. Um.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11This is a song.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14GUITAR INTRO
0:24:14 > 0:24:16# I've seen your new boyfriend He's really good-looking.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19# If he was a rent boy I'd probably book him
0:24:19 > 0:24:21# Not that I'm really into that stuff
0:24:21 > 0:24:23# I'm just saying Your boyfriend's incredibly buff
0:24:23 > 0:24:26# He's got a really nice face Really nice hair
0:24:26 > 0:24:28# He's really polite And he's really aware
0:24:28 > 0:24:31# He's got really nice teeth A really nice tan
0:24:31 > 0:24:33He's really relaxed when the shit hits the fan. #
0:24:33 > 0:24:35LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:37APPLAUSE
0:24:41 > 0:24:43No.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46# But he makes you look fat!
0:24:46 > 0:24:49# He makes you look ugly, like a man
0:24:49 > 0:24:52# He makes you look old Just like his nan
0:24:52 > 0:24:55# Yeah, he makes you look fat!
0:24:55 > 0:24:57# He makes you look fat
0:24:57 > 0:24:58# He makes you look lardy round the arse
0:24:58 > 0:25:02# Don't you know that He's in a different class
0:25:02 > 0:25:05# Yeah, he makes you look fat!
0:25:05 > 0:25:08# You two together What's wrong with this picture?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10# You need a man Whose waistline will eclipse you
0:25:10 > 0:25:13# You need a man Who's a little more shoddy
0:25:13 > 0:25:17# A gap in his teeth And an imperfect body. #
0:25:17 > 0:25:18LAUGHTER
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Good evening.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22APPLAUSE
0:25:22 > 0:25:26It's going to take all fucking night if you keep doing that.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30# It's nothing you've done You've just shot far too high
0:25:30 > 0:25:32# You get ignored While they give him the eye
0:25:32 > 0:25:35# Don't get me wrong I'm not saying you're fat
0:25:35 > 0:25:38# It's just anyone'd look fat When they're sat next to that. #
0:25:38 > 0:25:39LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:46We're all thinking it.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52Don't shoot the messenger.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56# Yeah, he makes you look fat!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58# He makes you look ugly In your face
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# Don't you know that You're looking out of place,
0:26:01 > 0:26:04# Yeah, he makes you look fat
0:26:04 > 0:26:06# He makes you look fat
0:26:06 > 0:26:09# He makes you look fat Oh, yes, indeed
0:26:09 > 0:26:10# Don't you know that he's well out of your league
0:26:10 > 0:26:14# Yeah, he makes you look fat
0:26:14 > 0:26:17# I've got a solution You might like to try it
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# You won't have to jog And you won't have to diet
0:26:20 > 0:26:22# I'm sure you will see To a certain degree
0:26:22 > 0:26:25# How good-looking you'd be If you stood... #
0:26:27 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:32 > 0:26:33- LONE VOICE:- Next to me.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Next to me!
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Couldn't get you to fucking shut up two seconds ago!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Why, when I needed you? Nowhere to be seen!
0:26:44 > 0:26:46LAUGHTER
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Thank you.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Next to me.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55# I can make you look fit
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# I can make you look much fitter than him
0:26:57 > 0:27:01# Take a look at my saggy dump old chin
0:27:01 > 0:27:02# I can make you look fit
0:27:02 > 0:27:04# I can make you look fit
0:27:04 > 0:27:07# I can make you look fit Oh, yes, I can
0:27:07 > 0:27:10# Don't you know that I am your ideal man
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# I can make you look in fit, fit
0:27:12 > 0:27:13# Fit, fit, fit! #
0:27:13 > 0:27:15That's the song, that's it.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Congratulations, you made it through your first day.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30There's just one more thing.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31The initiation.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33What do I have to do?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Get your cock out.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37Really?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39- Hm. No.- Right.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Well, listen, I was thinking of going for a drink,
0:27:42 > 0:27:44- do you want to come? - Oh, my God, it sounds amazing.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Er, but you know, Russell?
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Russell Kane. The guy who hosts the show, pretty much...
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Yeah, I was nodding.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Well, er, it's a little bit embarrassing.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55But, erm,
0:27:55 > 0:27:58we get on pretty well. And I said I'd do him a favour,
0:27:58 > 0:28:00- walk his dog when we were done. - Hey. Erm.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02A few of us are going for a beer, want to come along?
0:28:02 > 0:28:05- Oh, yeah, cheers. Awesome. - You don't mind looking after Colin.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- It's Tim, isn't it?- Tom.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Here we are. There's some bags for the shit.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11It's quite watery, I've left some in there. So just give it...
0:28:11 > 0:28:14You might need to mop it or something. Let's go get drunk!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16HE LAUGHS Right, cheers.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17There's this great bar...
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd