0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language and contains adult humour
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Remember what I said, if you have any trouble on the door,
0:00:12 > 0:00:14just do that funny voice I always do.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18COCKNEY ACCENT: If your name's not on the list, mate, you ain't comin' in!
0:00:18 > 0:00:19HE LAUGHS
0:00:19 > 0:00:22But your friend can come in. Oh, she's well fit!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26The first one was funnier.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Agreed. OK, I love you.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Can we add someone to the guest list, please?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35I'm afraid that for crew it is only family and loved ones.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36It's my girlfriend.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38- Do you love her? - Can she be on the list?
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Yeah, sure, fine. But remember, you have to check her ID
0:00:42 > 0:00:44- and you have to check her for drugs. - She's not going to have any drugs.
0:00:44 > 0:00:50But if she does, make sure to deposit them in the evidence box.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- Really?- No, tell security.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Oh, and - word of advice,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56do not leave her unattended around any of the male comedians.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58It's like a red rag to a bull.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00She's getting here late so she'll probably just see me and you.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Like I said...
0:01:03 > 0:01:05ANY of the male comedians.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Hello! Hello!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Hello, good evening and welcome.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38This is Live At The Electric, I am Russell Kane, one of those comedians
0:01:38 > 0:01:41with a massive amount of external confidence
0:01:41 > 0:01:43and virtually zero self-esteem.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Which means I run around thrusting unnecessarily for half an hour
0:01:46 > 0:01:50and finish the evening sobbing in a Travelodge, yeah?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53# Rocking back and forth in a Travelodge on my own.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55# Looks fun, looks like I've got a fun life,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58# but actually quite lonely in reality. Very sad, please help me! #
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Nah.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03What can we expect from tonight? Yes, there's stand-up from moi.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05But there's also an army
0:02:05 > 0:02:08of freakishly talented sketch and character comedians.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Let me put it to you in these terms, yeah.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13If this show was a milking machine,
0:02:13 > 0:02:17it would be pumping the teats of comedy with such adolescent fervour.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20It would rip the udders from mirth itself,
0:02:20 > 0:02:26spilling gloopy double cream into your waiting, laughing mouths, yeah?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29What I'm actually saying is, I didn't have a wank before the show.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31LAUGHTER
0:02:31 > 0:02:33# Rocking back and forth in a Travelodge... #
0:02:33 > 0:02:37So those of you following the narrative arc
0:02:37 > 0:02:39of this wonderful series will know I've,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41more or less for the first time in my life,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44been messing around with the dating game. It's not been that successful.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48I came out of a long-term relationship, I was heartbroken.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49The correct thing to do is what?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Is to be single for a bit, to not do anything, yeah?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54But I decided, because I'm a man with a pathetic ego,
0:02:54 > 0:02:58I wanted to go on a date with the type of girl who was totally unsuitable for me.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01So I went out on a date with a glamour model, right?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Nothing wrong with her, she was lovely, super confident,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06but look at the frickin' state of me, right.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09And we've walked in at the posh hotel that I've been put up in,
0:03:09 > 0:03:10and this where my bottle's gone.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12She's closed the door over my head like this.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14"Ready?" Like that. "Let's not waste time."
0:03:14 > 0:03:17And she ran off. Now can I just preface this?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I don't want to ruin it for all the gentlemen watching.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Sexual confidence, highly alluring 90% of the time to most men.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Forwardness, wonderful. A massive turn-on.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Unless you're in a bad emotional state.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31And she's run through the hotel room taking off all her clothes
0:03:31 > 0:03:34straight away and switching lights on at the same time, right?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Every time something came off, a light went on.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39"Come on, we're wasting time."
0:03:39 > 0:03:40And I'm thinking, "Under here,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43"I've got the body of Harry Potter from The Chamber Of Secrets," right.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Azkaban if I do some, like, push-ups.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51And I'm thinking, "Shit, I don't want to..."
0:03:51 > 0:03:52I'm turning the lamps down,
0:03:52 > 0:03:56"Maybe I'll leave my scoop-neck on a while longer, my love, tease you."
0:03:56 > 0:04:00"Maybe my areola will come out, or maybe it won't."
0:04:00 > 0:04:03She did that thing. I'm not dissing it, girls, I love it normally.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04But she did that thing,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07you know if a girl's signalling sudden sexual readiness, like that?
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"Enough laughter.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12"Enough jokes. I know you're a comedian, but that is enough.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16"It's time to move on to more serious...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"matters."
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"What, like your vitamin D deficiency?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23"What's wrong with your legs?!"
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- APPLAUSE - "I hope you like rickets."
0:04:28 > 0:04:30And she's taken...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33She's slipped my pants off as well, and that's horrible.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I don't want to put that image in your mind.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I'm in the only position
0:04:37 > 0:04:41a naked man can adopt when he doesn't want to be naked that way.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42Like a...
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Like a thin Terminator.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46And she's walked away from me going,
0:04:46 > 0:04:49"I know, we'll get this Nissan Micra started." Er, Ferrari...
0:04:49 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER
0:04:52 > 0:04:54She's gone to the fridge, taken out a bottle of Champagne,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56kicked it shut, come to me and at this point,
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I'm in this position, on the floor.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01And she's stood in front of me naked in star position, like this.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Held a bottle of Champagne,
0:05:03 > 0:05:06popped it and gone, "Have you ever done this before?"
0:05:06 > 0:05:09And it was a weird sight close-up. I mean, she was a model.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11She'd waxed every follicle from her body.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Do you know what it looked like?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Like someone had murdered Pac-Man with a hammer.
0:05:15 > 0:05:16That's what it looked like.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19I'm sorry to put that image in your head.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22MIMICS PAC-MAN TUNE
0:05:24 > 0:05:26"Leave him alone, you wanker!"
0:05:27 > 0:05:31Do you know what she wanted to do? She wanted to drink Champagne
0:05:31 > 0:05:34and then dribble it into my mouth. That's what she wanted to do.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35MIMICS DRIBBLING
0:05:35 > 0:05:38What's wrong with that? It's a good bit of foreplay.
0:05:38 > 0:05:39It could have been worse,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42it could have been the crisps from the minibar.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46APPLAUSE
0:05:49 > 0:05:52I've got no explanation for why I managed to muddle up
0:05:52 > 0:05:54two of the most basic body functions next.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57So basic that a newborn baby in a swimming pool
0:05:57 > 0:05:59does not muddle them up.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Yeah, you've guessed it. They are swallowing and breathing in, right?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05And I did it extra hard.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Now, only those of you that've got into trouble in a swimming pool
0:06:08 > 0:06:10or a sea will know I am not exaggerating the violence
0:06:10 > 0:06:11of what happened next.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13"Are you ready?" I was like, "Oh, yeah.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16"I'm shielding the rager from your view, my love."
0:06:16 > 0:06:18LAUGHTER
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- "Are you ready?" - MIMICS SPITTING
0:06:20 > 0:06:24And I went like this and breathed in! I went down...
0:06:24 > 0:06:25MIMICS CHOKING
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Have you got any idea...
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Have you got any idea how badly you choke? Who's ever nearly drowned?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34It's like, "Argh! Oh, argh!"
0:06:34 > 0:06:37She was standing there crying and screaming with, like...
0:06:37 > 0:06:39She thought I was having a fit or something.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41What must I look like?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I'm a thin bloke, my inner bum must have been bulging.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45It must have been.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47SPLUTTERING
0:06:47 > 0:06:51You know like when those trolls, where the eyes used to go like that?
0:06:53 > 0:06:56No girl should ever see that view, should they?
0:06:56 > 0:07:00I think we should have a look at some real talent. WitTank!
0:07:00 > 0:07:02CHEERING
0:07:10 > 0:07:15So, dear friends, to another fine evening with three foolish fellows.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- A toast to friendship.- And ale!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20LAUGHTER
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- Alas, I must away.- Good, my lord. I beseech you, stay.
0:07:27 > 0:07:32- There's glasses for the drinking. - Enough!- Thou rogue!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Come, dear friends. No more words of it.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Then let us to the chambers of our hostess. Tis time to make merry.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Fair thee well.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43Fair thee well.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I have of late, but wherefore I know not,
0:07:53 > 0:07:58lost all mirth and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition
0:07:58 > 0:08:02that this goodly frame, this brave, hanging firmament,
0:08:02 > 0:08:06seems to me no other thing than a foul and pestilent
0:08:06 > 0:08:08congregation of vapours.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Oh, what a piece of work is a man!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13The beauty of the world, and yet, to me...
0:08:16 > 0:08:19What is this quintessence of dust?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22'Mike!'
0:08:22 > 0:08:24BELL RINGS
0:08:26 > 0:08:28You all right, mate?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34You have no idea...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36what's going on.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48What?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:54 > 0:08:57So, let's just go through this again.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59You were cleaning your teeth...
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I was going upstairs to clean my teeth, yeah.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02And then there was a power cut?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Everything went off in the house.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- So you couldn't see what you were...?- I couldn't see a thing.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11And so you fucked my sister?!
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Yeah, that's... That's, er...
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Surely you can see why I'm struggling to...
0:09:17 > 0:09:21I mean, what... What you have... It was so...
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I couldn't tell where the toothbrush ended
0:09:24 > 0:09:26and your sister began.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30- Why were you erect? - I just really like cleaning my teeth.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33Oh, hi.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Hi.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Why is there a shit in my shoe?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45OK, I cannot impress upon you enough
0:09:45 > 0:09:48how dark it was.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Awesome.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I know what you need in your life,
0:09:59 > 0:10:01and it's the same as what I need in my life right now.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03And that's Two Episodes Of Mash!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05APPLAUSE
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Hello.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19So...
0:10:22 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- I'm Joe, this is Diane.- Hello.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31This is our bit.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34CHEERING
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Don't get your hopes up.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Erm, Why's...
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Why's there a picture of pensioner's feet?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47It's for the third sketch.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50We're only doing two sketches.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Oh.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Sorry.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56LAUGHTER
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- Do the first one, then?- Yeah. - (Fuck's sake.)
0:11:05 > 0:11:08LAUGHTER
0:11:08 > 0:11:10First one.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14LAUGHTER
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- You got it?- Yeah, I've got it.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Got the money?- Yeah, I've got the money.- Here, here!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Here you go.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33LAUGHTER
0:11:33 > 0:11:37- What's this?- It's a sawn-off, like you asked for.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:43 > 0:11:46No, no. I wanted the other end.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:52You know, the end with the gun.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Yeah, that makes more sense.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Probably why I got it so cheap.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01That's it, that's it.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03APPLAUSE
0:12:05 > 0:12:10OK, just get here when you can. All right. Love you. Bye.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13So, this girlfriend of yours. Is she like a friend who is a girl
0:12:13 > 0:12:16or is she like your "girlfriend" girlfriend?
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- She's my girlfriend. - Nice work, dude!
0:12:20 > 0:12:22So, dish all the dirt!
0:12:22 > 0:12:26- Are her armpits fully shaven?- Yeah.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Ho! What kind of positions you guys into?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Well, actually, Stacey, if you must know, is a virgin.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- There's nothing funny about that. I just decided to wait.- For what?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39For her to have sex with me. What about you, dating anyone?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- Are you serious?- Yeah.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Then the guys haven't told you.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Erm... I am a sex addict, dude.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- Oh, no.- It's tough, but I'm making progress.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51I haven't had sex in five years.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- Yeah, how many people did you sleep with before?- One.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57But it was like all the time, and some pretty funky shit.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59You know, like watersports?
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- Yeah.- Have you heard of banana boating?- God, no. What's that?
0:13:03 > 0:13:07It's when you get towed behind a speedboat on an inflatable banana.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09We did that and then,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12directly after, had sex.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Missionary!
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Right. What was her name?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21- Stacey, same as yours. Maybe they're the same girl.- Yeah, I doubt it.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Well, you'll be lucky.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26This girl had the biggest boobies I have ever seen.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28And as if that wasn't enough,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31an even bigger pussy. I'm talking...
0:13:31 > 0:13:35MAKES EXPLOSIVE NOISES
0:13:38 > 0:13:40APPLAUSE
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Second one. I'll take me shoe off.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47(Fucking hell!)
0:13:47 > 0:13:49LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Excuse me, do you cut keys?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- Yeah, yeah. We do, yeah.- Could I get a key cut to look like me?
0:13:54 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- Erm, is...? - You'd really be helping me out.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Er, all right. I'll give it a go. - Thank you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Pop yourself down there.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13A key to look like you.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Erm...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21HE MUTTERS
0:14:25 > 0:14:26LAUGHTER
0:14:27 > 0:14:30MECHANICAL GRINDING
0:14:41 > 0:14:43LAUGHTER
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Up a bit. That's it, stay there.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:15:01MECHANICAL GRINDING
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- There you go. Just give us a quid or something.- Right.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Oh.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16It doesn't really look much like me, does it?
0:15:16 > 0:15:17No.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21We're quite limited on what we can do with these key-cutting machines.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:35 > 0:15:39There's no way I'm signing off on these figures.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40- They're appalling.- I agree.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43But I'm having problems with the German investor.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Well, I'm afraid that the Portuguese won't wait.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Sarah, get me the file.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53And I've told you that skirt is totally unacceptable.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Sorry!
0:16:01 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:16APPLAUSE
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Time now for our drama.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24It's more hard-hitting than an angry parent.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27It is, of course, The Van.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29APPLAUSE
0:16:37 > 0:16:41I swore to Jenny before she died that we'd operate an ice cream van.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43So, my god, that's what we're going to do.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46'Previously, on The Van.'
0:16:46 > 0:16:47I want more responsibility.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50There's more to my game than restocking Mini Milks
0:16:50 > 0:16:51and cleaning the Whippy nozzle.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- I want to believe you, Dan. - So, believe!
0:16:54 > 0:16:59- I just want him to respect me. - Respect is earned, not given.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00You want to party?
0:17:00 > 0:17:05- I don't do that shit.- Your loss, muchacho - this is some primo stuff.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07'You shouldn't be so harsh on him.'
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- 'He's a loose cannon.'- Sounds like a young man I used to know.
0:17:10 > 0:17:16And that young man was you... when you were younger.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20- £1.40.- Don't know why you call it a 99, you should call it a 140.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Can I have an extra flake, please?
0:17:24 > 0:17:25Dughhh!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Yeah, I'm going to need some more of that stuff.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- I thought you didn't do this shit. - Give it to me.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Do you smell that?
0:17:59 > 0:18:07- Daniel!- He died as he lived - smoking drugs and on fire.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Wonderful stuff, wonderful.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Now, it's such a shame that comedy shows can't be longer.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20I only apologise but we all know that is mainly due to men.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Men drive stand-up comedy in the UK.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Oh, no, it's not a sexist thing, it's just purely due
0:18:25 > 0:18:29to the pathetic capacity of the male bladder.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33That anything past about five minutes and a man stops laughing.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Girls saying to men, "I thought you liked him? You haven't laughed."
0:18:36 > 0:18:38"I haven't heard a single word.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41"I said, I am absolutely breaking my neck for a piss".
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Do you know what my dad used to say? "My back teeth are floating, boy.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48"My back teeth are absolutely fucking floating."
0:18:50 > 0:18:51"Yeah, end the show, end it.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"I don't care how the spiky-haired little shit...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55"Just end it now, I need a slash.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58"Cos I've had one thimble of Kronenbourg and I'm a man,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00"I'm so.... I need to do one." Not the ladies.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03"We're strong. Continue, jester, for hours, hooray.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04"We've had five pints of wine
0:19:04 > 0:19:08"but our bladders are strong for pregnancy. Continue, hurrah."
0:19:08 > 0:19:10They'll just do one power-piss at the end.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Tfffff!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Tfffff!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"I'll crack the pan in half, Jemima." Vvvvooom!
0:19:19 > 0:19:23And now I think it's time for you-know-who - it's Jigsaw!
0:19:23 > 0:19:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:28 > 0:19:33And I was like, yeah, I know it's a VIP area, that's why I'M in it.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36And then I was like, do you know who I am? 15-Love Piers.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40I have so many babes, mate, so many babes. Draped in fanny. Literally.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43No...no, not literally. Anyway, mates before muff.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- You're out with your mates, out with your mates.- Excuse me?
0:19:46 > 0:19:51- Sorry to interrupt you. - Giles, incoming.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- Sorry, you must get this all the time.- Yeah!- Are you...
0:19:55 > 0:19:59- Yeah.- Y-you are, you...
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Yeah.- Are you...are you a bell-end?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Oh, I thought so. Thought so.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09APPLAUSE
0:21:14 > 0:21:18'Winning on a scratchcard is always cause for celebration...'
0:21:21 > 0:21:23'..unless you work as an undertaker.'
0:21:25 > 0:21:27EXCITED GRUNTS
0:21:40 > 0:21:44'I explained that I was sorry for their loss
0:21:44 > 0:21:47'but on the plus side, I had just won £40.'
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Joe Wilkinson there, how good was that?
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Folks, maybe you're looking at your watches, panicking.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00The show's almost over
0:22:00 > 0:22:03and some of you want to sob over your loneliness in the toilet.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Well, don't. Head to:
0:22:06 > 0:22:08for loads more content.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Now, we've already filled your Subway bun
0:22:10 > 0:22:14with my little bits of stand-up, the salami of sketch and character,
0:22:14 > 0:22:18but it's time to squirt the liquidy chilli cheese sauce of music
0:22:18 > 0:22:21straight into your meaty flapping tongues.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24What I'm saying is I didn't have a wank before the show.
0:22:24 > 0:22:30No. What I'm really saying is it's the one, the only Nick Helm.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Good evening, cocksuckers!
0:22:42 > 0:22:48And gentlemen! You all right?
0:22:48 > 0:22:49AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Then let's fuck it in the bucket!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I had a dream and that dream was a song.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00It was the most amazing song I'd ever heard in my entire life
0:23:00 > 0:23:03so I woke up in the morning and wrote it down, I phoned all my friends
0:23:03 > 0:23:06and said, "Have you ever heard this song before?"
0:23:06 > 0:23:09They said, "Yeah, of course we have, it's Yesterday by Paul McCartney."
0:23:09 > 0:23:12So I have written an entirely different song.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15GUITAR PLAYS
0:23:18 > 0:23:23# Let's get married in the springtime
0:23:23 > 0:23:27# In the sunshine Let's get married
0:23:27 > 0:23:30# Let's get married in the daylight
0:23:30 > 0:23:34# When the time's right Let's get married
0:23:34 > 0:23:38# You can wear your hair up like a halo round your head
0:23:38 > 0:23:41# I can say I love you till the day that I am dead
0:23:41 > 0:23:44# Let's get married in the springtime
0:23:44 > 0:23:48# Let's get married, oh-oh
0:23:48 > 0:23:51DRUMBEAT STARTS
0:23:53 > 0:23:57# Let's get naked in the night-time
0:23:57 > 0:24:00# When you've got time Let's get naked
0:24:00 > 0:24:04# Let's get naked Take our clothes off and my socks off
0:24:04 > 0:24:06# Let's get naked
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- # I can say you're beautiful and that you are the one - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- # You can say you don't like anything I've ever done - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:24:12 > 0:24:18# Let's get naked in the night-time Let's get naked, oh-ho
0:24:18 > 0:24:21# Let's have babies when the time's right
0:24:21 > 0:24:24# When we're settled Let's have babies
0:24:24 > 0:24:27# Let's have babies Oh, you're pregnant
0:24:27 > 0:24:30# We're not settled Let's have babies
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- # You can be the mummy and I can be the dad- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- # I'll even let you smack them every time that they are bad - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- # Let's have babies when the time's right- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- # Let's have babies, oh-oh - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:24:43 > 0:24:45# Let's get hammered in the moonlight
0:24:45 > 0:24:48# Have a big fight Let's get hammered
0:24:48 > 0:24:50# Let's get hammered
0:24:50 > 0:24:54# Have a night off from the babies Let's get hammered
0:24:54 > 0:24:58- # We'll get a babysitter and won't come back till half ten - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- # We'll have another fight and I'll be sleeping in the den - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- # Let's get hammered in the moonlight - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06# Let's get hammered, oh-oh
0:25:06 > 0:25:11# Let's go dogging in a car park in the suburbs
0:25:11 > 0:25:14# Let's go dogging Let's go dogging
0:25:14 > 0:25:18# We can have fun through the tears Let's go dogging
0:25:18 > 0:25:22- # I can stare directly into your eyes when you come- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- # You can watch me gently finger Ian in the bum- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- # Let's go dogging in a car park - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- # Let's go dogging, oh-oh - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:25:30 > 0:25:33# Let's get married in the morning
0:25:33 > 0:25:36# With an awning Let's get married
0:25:36 > 0:25:40# Let's get married in the sunlight when the time's right
0:25:40 > 0:25:42# Let's get married
0:25:42 > 0:25:46- # You can say I am your one and only truest love- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- # You can have a buffet with a marquee up above- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- # I can be your husband and you can be my wife- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- # I'll tell you that I love you every second of your life - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- # I can be your Tarzan and you can be my Jane- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- # I'll do my best to please you so you won't fucking complain - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- # Let's get married every daytime - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- # Let's get married in the springtime - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- # Let's get married if you've got time- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11# Let's get married. #
0:26:11 > 0:26:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- How you doin'?- Is that Joey from Friends?- No, I just made it up.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33- Looking very sharp tonight. - Thank you.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Um, listen, sorry about laughing about the whole virgin thing.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38HE SNIGGERS
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Yeah, I'm sorry about not believing about your ex.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44- You didn't believe me?- Yeah, I'm still not sure I do.- Hey, baby.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- Hiya, Stacey.- Hi. The show was great, thanks so much for getting me in.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52- Stacey, this is the guy I was... - Tom! Oh, my God. This is so weird.
0:26:52 > 0:27:00- Tom and I went out for a bit. We met on holiday, didn't we?- Yes, we did.
0:27:05 > 0:27:11Sorry, um...I'll let you guys...get on with it.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21IMITATES GUNFIRE
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd