0:00:02 > 0:00:05Fan mail in that one, good luck cards in that one and junk mail goes in...
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Michael Jordan! That one.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10A lot of stuff for Russell. Why don't they just send e-mails?
0:00:10 > 0:00:14- They do, it's called fan e-mail. - Fanny mail! That's very funny.
0:00:14 > 0:00:18- Why is that funny? Have you been reading them?- No, it's just fanny...
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Doesn't matter.
0:00:20 > 0:00:25This programme contains adult humour and strong language
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Hello. Good evening.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50This is Live At The Electric. Welcome.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52WHOOPING AND CHEERING
0:00:52 > 0:00:55What are we going to get tonight? Inventive stand up from me
0:00:55 > 0:00:58and a Dragon's Den of character and sketch comedy
0:00:58 > 0:01:01from my troupe of obscenely talented performers.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Who am I? I'm Russell Kane.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06- AS DUNCAN BANNATYNE - And for that reason, I'm out.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08"But why did he just reference Dragon's Den?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11"It didn't relate to anything. He's brave. That explains his hair."
0:01:11 > 0:01:14"It's his hair that makes me want to smash his head in."
0:01:14 > 0:01:16"He's improvising. He's even doing our voices.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18"He's so post-modern. Orgasm. Orgasm."
0:01:18 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Think of this show as a swingers party, yeah?
0:01:24 > 0:01:29Me, the sketch and character players like lusty suburban couples,
0:01:29 > 0:01:31dribbling onto the buckets of comedy keys,
0:01:31 > 0:01:35tumescently waiting for the random exchange of mirth to begin,
0:01:35 > 0:01:39then in the dark, so many jokes entering you from so many
0:01:39 > 0:01:43different angles that when the lights go on,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45your wife looks like a game of KerPlunk!
0:01:45 > 0:01:46"Gavin! Gavin!"
0:01:46 > 0:01:48LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I'm sorry. I don't want complaints.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57"He's so nice, but why do you always have to refer to sex all the time?"
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Sorry, it's an important part of a young man's life,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02especially when you're not getting much of it!
0:02:02 > 0:02:06OK, so have we got any families in tonight? Over there.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Mum, are you with any one? Is that your son over there?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- What's your son's name? - Danny.- Danny.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Why are you sitting apart? You're with your girlfriend?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Separate, but together? "Don't sit near me, Mum!"
0:02:16 > 0:02:20"I want to be separate, I want my own space." Who is that?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Is that your other son next to you? It's a friend, closer to the mum.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25That's dark, isn't it?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27What are you doing with the dirty washing bin?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29"Nothing! I was just helping your mum out!"
0:02:29 > 0:02:31LAUGHTER
0:02:32 > 0:02:35You know, it's tough living at home.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38People are now going to think I'm knocking Danny for a cheap joke.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Every single man, every brother, feels your pain, Danny.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43You happen to be with your girlfriend,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46but we know the great famine that led up to that girl.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50The horrible wasteland aged between 13 and 21, it can go on for.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Milking yourself into a skeleton in your bedroom.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55GROANS
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Your Popeye's forearm pumping away desperately. It's horrible.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Have you got a lot on your door at home? What?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06All those of you watching, if you're aged 14 to 18,
0:03:06 > 0:03:10you're living at home, you've got no lock on your door, sort it out.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13If you haven't already had a white arsed get out,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15there is one coming your way.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Do you know what a white arsed get out is?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19That is where, that's where you are in your room
0:03:19 > 0:03:22you haven't heard your mum knock due to the frantic pumping
0:03:22 > 0:03:25of your hand, your hand going so fast
0:03:25 > 0:03:27it actually travels through time.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Comes back in an Elizabethan glove.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33HE SCREAMS
0:03:33 > 0:03:36You haven't heard your mum knock.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38"Danny! Danny!"
0:03:39 > 0:03:42A white arsed get out is when there is no time for trousers,
0:03:42 > 0:03:45no time for pants, nothing.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48All you can do is spin your pale arse towards the door and go,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51"Get out! Now! Give me a minute!"
0:03:51 > 0:03:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:53 > 0:03:56It's called a white arsed get out.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57APPLAUSE
0:03:57 > 0:04:01That is one sport, Danny and Danny's mum,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05that I would definitely watch if they introduced it to the Olympics.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08The Olympic Mum knock.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10How awesome would that be?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13"Let's watch the replay of the American one.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15"It was a brilliant knock. She did the American lean.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20"It's a very American move. She came around the corner.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23"The head went in, the judges really liked that spin there,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25"from the American mum.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27"Let's just watch that.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31"The judges awarded extra points for the laughing walk off
0:04:31 > 0:04:35"which does of course scar deeply, laughing at the son's genitals.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"Walking off, never to be referred to but always thought of.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41"Ten points for the American mum."
0:04:41 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:43 > 0:04:46Time for the English mum, now. Danny's mum limbering up.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51It is known as the cocky pheasant, this warm up.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55See the English mum will go for the traditional fox-hunting lunge.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- KNOCKING - Danny.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Look at the lunge, did you see it?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"Let's just have a quick look at Danny's reaction.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07"That is what the judges will be analysing. "Mum!"
0:05:07 > 0:05:11"But the extra points was for the falling down ejaculation."
0:05:11 > 0:05:13"Mum! Mum!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15"Mu-uh-um!"
0:05:15 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:20 > 0:05:22And now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:05:22 > 0:05:25I think we should tail my wit with some more wit
0:05:25 > 0:05:26and that wit is WitTank.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29APPLAUSE
0:05:53 > 0:05:55COUGHING
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I completely fucked that up!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06LAUGHTER
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Hey.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I know you're down at the moment.
0:06:26 > 0:06:32I know you feel like you're out of shape and unattractive.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36And I know you feel like it's not going to get any better.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42OK, bye!
0:06:42 > 0:06:44LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:44 > 0:06:46How excellent was that?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Yeah, but now for something so excellent I'm feeling more aroused
0:06:52 > 0:06:55than Poirot's suspicion at a crime scene.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Make some noise for Two Episodes Of Mash!
0:06:58 > 0:07:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:09 > 0:07:12LAUGHTER
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Hullo.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- I'm Joe, this is Diane. - Hello.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22LAUGHTER
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Why is there, why is there a big picture of your face?
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Because this is our bit of the show.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- Well, why is there not a picture of me as well?- Forgot about you.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37- Oh, for fu... - LAUGHTER
0:07:42 > 0:07:44That has quite annoyed me, actually.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Oh, Diane has to bring on a...
0:07:51 > 0:07:53..trolley.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Should have probably done that beforehand, shouldn't we?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Right, first one.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04It's been a really difficult year, you know.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07- My husband left me.- Right.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Which came as a bit of a shock, but now, you know,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I'm at a stage where I'm able to deal with that
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- and my friends and family have been great.- Oh, ah...
0:08:18 > 0:08:21They've, they've really rallied around.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Mm, heh... Ah!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25LAUGHTER
0:08:25 > 0:08:30- He still gets to see the kids.- Mm. - Which I suppose is a godsend.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Hmm.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36But you know, I have been in and out of hospital for most of the year.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38- (LOUDLY)- Ah! Huh!
0:08:38 > 0:08:42With my asthma and blood pressure and...
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Cor, cor. - HE GIGGLES
0:08:44 > 0:08:48I just feel like the worry is just making me ill now, you know.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51I just feel really, I just feel a bit depressed.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53HE WHINES
0:08:53 > 0:08:56And to top it all off, my grandmother died.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58HE GIGGLES
0:09:00 > 0:09:02And I can't see the point, any more.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09I really, really can't, can't see the point.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15OK, let's see what you've brought.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Brought some scallops, some red peppers and a courgette.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:27 > 0:09:32It's just a play on words because fan e-mail sounds like fanny mail.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- Fucking hell!- It's not that good.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Look at this.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41"Dear Russell, meet little Jackie. See you soon, we'll be watching.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"Love Jenny." So what?
0:09:43 > 0:09:48Secret love child. Blackmail, my friend.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- Where's the blackmail letter? - She probably e-mailed it.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- Black e-mail. I suppose that's funny, too?- No. Sorry.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58How are we so sure this is his secret love child?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Of course it's Russell's. Look at its face.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Maybe it looks like him because it's his nephew.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06Yeah, because he had sex with his sister(!)
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- No. What? - We have to handle this.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Part of our role is to protect the acts from this kind of thing.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Joe Wilkinson's uncle died three weeks ago.
0:10:14 > 0:10:18- Thanks to me, he has no idea. - JOE LAUGHS
0:10:21 > 0:10:23APPLAUSE
0:10:29 > 0:10:35Somewhere between hope and despair, there's ice-cream.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Previously on The Van...
0:10:38 > 0:10:39I can't believe Dale's dead.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Setting yourself on fire with a crack pipe will do that to a guy.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- What about a replacement?- No-one is going to work for 70p an hour.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Dale only did it because I saved his life in Iraq.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53- You never talk about Iraq. - Well I won't start now!
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- What are you doing here, Jimmy? - What's the matter, sugartits?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01No kiss for me?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Welcome aboard, Jimmy.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10You need to come and see this.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Fuckers! Home-made ice-cream? Home-made?
0:11:14 > 0:11:18- We can't compete with that. - This is bullshit!
0:11:28 > 0:11:32- Take it or leave it. We're all going to die.- Ice-cream sucks dick.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- We're only doing this to piss off Sophie's parents.- I don't give a fuck about ice-cream.
0:11:36 > 0:11:41- What can we do about it?- We could get rid of them. Permanently.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Hey, little chicken. You want a flake in that?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47SHE SOBS
0:11:54 > 0:11:56What have you done?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00We need to make this look like an accident.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- What we need to do is call the pol...- What's going on?
0:12:02 > 0:12:05GUNSHOT
0:12:05 > 0:12:07LAUGHTER
0:12:15 > 0:12:17No going back now.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24APPLAUSE
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Wonderful stuff, wonderful.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Now, there are some things that you need two of
0:12:28 > 0:12:32and one of those things you need two of is Two Episodes Of Mash!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:45 > 0:12:47No deal.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49PHONE RINGS
0:12:49 > 0:12:50LAUGHTER
0:12:58 > 0:12:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- Are you sure? - Yes, definitely. No deal.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14'Edmonds, you really are a gonad!
0:13:14 > 0:13:18'Stop being a prick and get on with it!'
0:13:18 > 0:13:20DIAL TONE
0:13:20 > 0:13:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:30 > 0:13:32He likes you!
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- That, that, that is why he's offered you £16,000.- Oh, wow!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42A lot of money, a lot of money.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Would get you out of Bolton.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- LAUGHTER - A lot of money.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Erm, no deal.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55- Shit!- No deal! PHONE RINGS
0:14:05 > 0:14:10'You can't not be a bell end, can you Edmonds? You fat anus.
0:14:10 > 0:14:15'I'm going to smash your stupid, fat face in.'
0:14:15 > 0:14:17DIAL TONE
0:14:28 > 0:14:31He says you're playing a great game.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37That, that's why he's going to offer you, erm, £32,000.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- 32! Wow!- LOT OF MONEY! Lot of money!
0:14:40 > 0:14:43That is a lot of money, yeah. Erm...
0:14:43 > 0:14:45HE WHIMPERS
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- £32,000.- Take it, take it.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- Not sure, not sure.- Take it?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I'm really not sure.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Take it, pl...
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Yeah, no deal. No deal. Oh, for fuck...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03PHONE RINGS
0:15:03 > 0:15:05LAUGHTER
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Sure?
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- 'You really are a total cu...' - LAUGHTER
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Ah!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- Oh, he really likes you! - LAUGHTER
0:15:27 > 0:15:30That's why he's gonna offer you £100,000!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33TAKE IT! TAKE IT!
0:15:33 > 0:15:37£100,000! Well, yes! Deal! Definitely deal!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39APPLAUSE
0:15:39 > 0:15:41PHONE RINGS
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Are you gonna get that?
0:15:54 > 0:15:58I might just let it go to answer machine. That's it. Bye.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:07 > 0:16:10If you're sure this is blackmail, we should call the police.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13You want to leave the 5-0 out of this in my experience, dog.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15What experience have you had with the police?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18My brother's a policeman and he can be really mean.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Him and his friends used to kettle me.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Right. So what's your plan?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I am going to calmly explain to the blackmailer
0:16:26 > 0:16:30that Russell Kane and his family members will not be fucked with.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31You're not a family member.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- "Dear..."- I think her name's Jenny. - "..bitch."
0:16:34 > 0:16:39"Get the abortion or get it in the neck. No love, Russell Kane."
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- Abortion?- Too strong?- Too late.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Well, it will have to do.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Time is of the essence. I'm going to go FedEx this bad boy.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Hey. One of the Toms, isn't it? My sister's here with her new nephew.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57- I was wondering... - Sorry, is she called Jenny?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Yeah, Jenny's here with my nephew. - Can I tell Tom something?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02I really need you to look after my sister.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05It's a very small baby. Is that cool?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- On it.- Double guns.
0:17:10 > 0:17:11APPLAUSE
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Thanks for coming in, Laura.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20You sent a very impressive CV.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22We just wanted to get you in here
0:17:22 > 0:17:24and ask you a couple of questions in person.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Personal questions!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Of course, that's fine.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33OK, so how would you describe your leadership style?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Laura? What's happened? Are you OK?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Oh! Oh, no, sorry.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01That's just my thinking face.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04LAUGHS
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- Sorry, I thought something awful had happened.- No! Sorry.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- Do you mind if I... - Not at all.- OK.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Is, is she all right, do you think?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29It's just her thinking face.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- Is she all right?- Quite all right.
0:18:33 > 0:18:34Laura.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Laura, have you finished thinking yet?
0:18:37 > 0:18:38I think she's...
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Laura!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43LEAVE HER! SHE'S THINKING!
0:18:47 > 0:18:51- You're looking a lot better now, Laura.- Good, thank you.
0:18:51 > 0:18:57- Just one more thing, are you allergic to any medicines.- Erm...
0:19:01 > 0:19:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Lady Garden, there.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Very like... I did a horn voice, there! That came out accidentally!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- NASAL VOICE: - "Hello!" That's my nerd voice.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14That's the trouble if you're from Essex, right.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17There's the natural accent, of course, of the Essex people.
0:19:17 > 0:19:20- ESSEX ACCENT: - "They're in tonight, watching the show,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23"I'm not being funny, at the end of the day, I could turn around and say to you..."
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Face me in the first place.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27"I could turn around, I could turn around and say to you,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30"I'm not being funny, at the end of the day I don't mean that.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33"But that's not what I'm trying to say." What are you trying to say?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37But, of course, with someone like me, who's been to university,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40but comes from a chavvy background, we panic about our accent.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43Who are the working class people who are born into these accents,
0:19:43 > 0:19:44but wish they spoke like Surrey people.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- SURREY ACCENT: - "I believe our pheasant has turned, Bernard."
0:19:47 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:49 > 0:19:54We want to speak like that, don't we, Essex people, Kent people, London people?
0:19:54 > 0:19:58But it's so hard. Your vowels have been crushed by the comprehensive,
0:19:58 > 0:20:03so you speak like 'at. Why would I finish me sentences? Didn't bovver finishing school. Right?
0:20:03 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER
0:20:04 > 0:20:06But now and again you bump into someone...
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- NASAL VOICE: - "..who speaks like that, from a working-class background."
0:20:10 > 0:20:13- It's horn voice, isn't it? Cos it sounds like they've swallowed a... - HONKS LIKE A HORN
0:20:13 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:17There will be people watching this,
0:20:17 > 0:20:18- ESSEX ACCENT: - "100%,"
0:20:18 > 0:20:20have horn voice. I guarantee it.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- HORN VOICE: - "I'm sorry, I can't help it, wish I didn't have it, this horn voice."
0:20:23 > 0:20:28But you can, you can help it, right? Cos I've worked out what causes it.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33It's someone with my accent, a broad, limp, working-class accent.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Flat words, not really...
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Trying to control it. Trying to speak posh,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39trying to speak properly, as though one is from Surrey.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41But halfway along the journey of faking...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- HORN VOICE: - "..the voice folds in on itself to produce a horn.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46"Like that. What I'm actually saying is I'm secretly
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- HONKS LIKE A HORN: - "working class."
0:20:48 > 0:20:50That's what they're trying to tell you.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:53 > 0:20:57It's a nerd voice, isn't it, as well? It's a bit of a nerd voice.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- NASAL VOICE: - "Hello, my name's Nigel, my name's Kevin."
0:20:59 > 0:21:03Except if you're in Australia. Their last prime minister was called Kevin.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08How relaxed is a country, for its prime minister to be called Kevin?
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I'd like to move to Australia just cos someone called Kev
0:21:11 > 0:21:12can get into government.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - "Hello, my name's Kevin."
0:21:14 > 0:21:17Into office you go. Imagine that in the UK.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19- NASAL VOICE: - "My name's Kevin."
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Get in accounts with Nigel and Colin. - LAUGHTER
0:21:21 > 0:21:24A country so relaxed that when they go to watch comedy,
0:21:24 > 0:21:25they go in their vests.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I performed in Queensland. They turn up in a tank top,
0:21:28 > 0:21:32a proper wife-beater, and swimming trunks, and flip-flops, or "thongs," as they call them, right?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Wouldn't you just kill, United Kingdom,
0:21:35 > 0:21:37just to be just a slice of that relaxedness,
0:21:37 > 0:21:42that we could go to the theatre in our vest and shorts? I love a culture like that.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47- AUSTRALIAN ACCENTS: - "Have you seen my theatre vest anywhere, Muriel? Have you seen it?"
0:21:47 > 0:21:51"Yes, I have, Roger. It's right next to your funeral shorts. Right next to them, babe."
0:21:51 > 0:21:53LAUGHTER
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Thank you. Now, after all my middlebrow thrustings,
0:21:55 > 0:21:58which are essentially low-grade thoughts delivered with speed
0:21:58 > 0:22:02to create the illusion of quality, I think we should see an actual genius in action.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06And that actual genius is Joe Wilkinson.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:12 > 0:22:14All rise!
0:22:27 > 0:22:32'Turns out a member of the jury CAN be held in contempt for delivering the verdict...'
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Not guilty.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37'..And then saying...'
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Only messing!
0:22:39 > 0:22:42LAUGHTER
0:22:46 > 0:22:48'I was a little overexcited because I'd had the week off work.'
0:22:48 > 0:22:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Oh! We're approaching the end of our comedy journey, but fear not!
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Look at the bus window, there's a poster there, it says go to:
0:23:04 > 0:23:06for more exclusive content.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08But wait! There's somebody else on this bus.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11There's someone else to join us on the rest of our journey.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13Not only that, he's a musical maestro.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Not only that, he's the one, the only, the genius that is
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Nick Helm...!
0:23:20 > 0:23:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Good evening, Live At The Electric. You all right?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32CHEERING
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Yeah, good. Who's got a job?
0:23:34 > 0:23:35AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Yeah, I used to have one of them.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39It's good, isn't it? It's good, it's good.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I used to work 9 to 5.30, which is officially half an hour longer
0:23:41 > 0:23:44than Dolly Parton ever fucking bothered with.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46So, fuck you, Dolly!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Let's whack it in a jacket!
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- #- Oi!- When I was just a young boy my mother told me, "Son"
0:24:00 > 0:24:03# She said, "Life is there for living and you've only got the one
0:24:03 > 0:24:06# "Cos dreams can be hard or that's what it seems
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- # "So hold on to your heart and then follow those dreams."- Oi!- #
0:24:10 > 0:24:14MUSIC STOPS That is your bit! That is your bit! You do the "Oi"s.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I am not going to come all the way over to you and pull YOUR good time out of MY arse.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20LAUGHTER
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Get on board!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23LAUGHTER
0:24:27 > 0:24:30# So all the possibilities went racing through my head
0:24:30 > 0:24:34# Of all the things I'd like to do before that I am dead
0:24:34 > 0:24:38# Cos one day when I grow up I'll do the job that's best
0:24:38 > 0:24:40# And I won't to do data entry with a name tag on my chest
0:24:40 > 0:24:44- #- Oi!- I don't want a job in admin
0:24:44 > 0:24:47# I don't want to be on 16 grand a year
0:24:47 > 0:24:50# I don't want a job in admin
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- # You can take your job and stick it in your ear- Oi!
0:24:54 > 0:24:57# I went to university to get a good degree
0:24:57 > 0:25:00# I did BA performance arts there was no stopping me
0:25:00 > 0:25:02# We laughed, we stretched we mimed, we danced,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05# We pranced around like knobs and when we got into the real world
0:25:05 > 0:25:08# Well, there were no fucking jobs
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- #- Oi!- I don't want a job in admin
0:25:10 > 0:25:14# I don't want to be on 15 grand a year
0:25:14 > 0:25:16# I don't want a job in admin
0:25:16 > 0:25:21- # You can take your job and stick it in your ear- Oi!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24# As I grew to adulthood I kept my dreams alive
0:25:24 > 0:25:27# And I couldn't make my holidays or the cost to learn to drive
0:25:27 > 0:25:30# Until the day my mom announced "I know back then I said
0:25:30 > 0:25:34- # "But you're nearly pushing 30 and I want to rent your bed."- Oi!
0:25:34 > 0:25:38MUSIC SLOWS: # Dreams can be hard to
0:25:38 > 0:25:42# Follow all your life
0:25:44 > 0:25:49# When you've got yourself some kids to feed
0:25:49 > 0:25:53# A mortgage and a wife
0:25:56 > 0:26:02# Life deals you cards and
0:26:02 > 0:26:05# You take what you can
0:26:08 > 0:26:10# But I don't want to wear a shirt and tie
0:26:10 > 0:26:11- # And I don't respect the man- Oi!
0:26:11 > 0:26:14# I don't want a job in admin
0:26:14 > 0:26:18# I don't want to be on 13 grand a year
0:26:18 > 0:26:21# I don't want a job in admin
0:26:21 > 0:26:24# You can take your job and fuck it in your ear
0:26:24 > 0:26:27# Sometimes it's hard work and sometimes it's luck
0:26:27 > 0:26:31# My mum, she worked so hard until one day her back was fucked
0:26:31 > 0:26:33# It's not that I'm ungrateful or I don't give a toss
0:26:33 > 0:26:37# But if I have to work on Monday then I'm going to shoot my boss
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- #- Oi!- I don't want a job in admin
0:26:40 > 0:26:44# I don't want to be on 12 grand a year
0:26:44 > 0:26:46# I don't want a job in admin
0:26:46 > 0:26:49# You can take your job and fuck it in your ear
0:26:49 > 0:26:51# Everybody, now!
0:26:51 > 0:26:53# I don't want a job in admin
0:26:53 > 0:26:57# I don't want to be on 11 grand a year
0:26:57 > 0:27:00# I don't want a job in admin
0:27:00 > 0:27:03# You can take your job and fuck it in your ear
0:27:03 > 0:27:09# You can take your job and fuck it...
0:27:09 > 0:27:13# In your ear! #
0:27:13 > 0:27:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- What were you just swallowing?- Keys. - Right, well, thank God I found you.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37- Did you send that letter?- Didn't need to.- Amazing, cos the woman in the photo, isn't...
0:27:37 > 0:27:40I know, they're here, I've seen them.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43The perps have been restrained and detained.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45No, you don't understand...
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Sorry to interrupt, I'm looking for my sister. I can't find her anywhere.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52- MUFFLED BANGING - I...haven't seen her anywhere.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55MUFFLED BANGING
0:27:55 > 0:27:57- Who's in there?- Your stalker. - SCREAMING AND BABY CRYING
0:27:57 > 0:27:59And her baby.
0:27:59 > 0:28:04- It's your sister.- Is it?- Probably. - Well, unlock it then, mate!
0:28:04 > 0:28:08- I'll get the spare keys. - I swallowed them as well.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11BOTH SHOUT AT ONCE
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Everybody be cool! Chill out, guys.
0:28:17 > 0:28:19I've got the skeleton key.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21SCREAMING
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.