0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:06 > 0:00:11- What are you doing on this computer? - I'm...- Did you click on the folder called Not Porn?- What?- Good.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14Food's here! It's rider time!
0:00:14 > 0:00:15What's "rider time"?
0:00:15 > 0:00:18God, new guy! Are you new here, or something?
0:00:18 > 0:00:19Yeah.
0:00:19 > 0:00:23Riders are food for the acts. Par example...
0:00:23 > 0:00:26- GREEK ACCENT: - One Greek salad for the producer.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29- I always remember that one. - Why, cos she's Greek?
0:00:29 > 0:00:31No, because she's anorexic.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Crisps for Diane.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Keep this on the downlow,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38but I always like to sneak a couple of these for myself.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41She ain't going to notice if the shipment come in a little bit late.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- I think she might.- Well, she never really talks to me, anyway.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Besides, the acts know that if they complain, there will be consequences.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52What, cos you'll, like, spit in their sandwich or something?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Pff. Use your imagination, dude.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Last year the director pissed me off so much,
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I stuck his baguette up my arse.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- That's disgusting.- Yeah.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Well, didn't get very far. Just sort of disintegrated.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07- Got him the next day, though.- How?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- AMERICAN ACCENT: - Stuck my dick in his coffee.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Must've hurt.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14- SQUEAKY VOICE: - Not as much as the baguette!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Good evening!
0:01:41 > 0:01:46Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Electric!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49CHEERING
0:01:49 > 0:01:51My name is Russell Kane. Now, if you don't know which Russell I am,
0:01:51 > 0:01:55I'm the one that looks like someone stuck a coconut on a cocktail stick, right?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57We've got lots of comedy tonight,
0:01:57 > 0:02:02but I can guarantee you I'll be the BEST stand-up in the show.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Actually, I'm the only stand-up.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07The rest is all sketch and character.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Done on purpose to give an artificial sense of how good I am. No confidence. Ching!
0:02:10 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Now, if comedy were a spanking paddle, this parade of mirth-meisters
0:02:16 > 0:02:19going at your buttocks would leave purple welts of hilarity.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Each of their gags a literal gag, a plastic golf ball through which
0:02:23 > 0:02:27we can barely hear the muffled screams of your laughter.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29LAUGHTER
0:02:29 > 0:02:33But, before we bundle you into the Transit of comedy
0:02:33 > 0:02:35and drive you to the waste ground of punch lines,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38I need to explain what's happened to me.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42Cos some of you at home might have noticed that a week has done nothing
0:02:42 > 0:02:44to improve my emotional meltdown.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the nature of the job.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Can you imagine how difficult it is to get stability, going from town to town doing stand-up?
0:02:51 > 0:02:54It's fun. It is fun. And you try to rationalise with yourself.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Has anyone at home, or anyone in the room studied sociology? Give me a cheer.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- A FEW VOICES CHEER - There's a few sociology students in.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04Now, you all know the guilt that I must have felt the first time on reaching for the mouse.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"Mustn't watch pornography. I know it's bad. I did it in sociology."
0:03:07 > 0:03:11"The horrible misogynistic glare of the camera. Don't log on."
0:03:11 > 0:03:15Right? There's hardly a positive thing I can draw from men watching pornography,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18except one, United Kingdom watching this.
0:03:18 > 0:03:23We are the only country in the world that predominantly watch British porn.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27- EXAGGERATED ACCENT: - "British porn, for British people!" Right?
0:03:27 > 0:03:29British people in real scenes.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- Real bodies, emerging in groups from behind a Lidl, like that. - HE GROWLS
0:03:34 > 0:03:37"Do it on t'face, Barry! Do it on t'face!"
0:03:39 > 0:03:42I think that's something to celebrate. I'm sorry, right?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44APPLAUSE
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Any of the guys who watch American pornography,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49the talking in it, it's so un-British to speak to each other.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- FEMALE AMERICAN ACCENT: - "Oh, God, yeah! Do me, yeah! Do me, yeah!"
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- And then the guy... - MALE AMERICAN ACCENT: - "..I am ...ing you right now!
0:03:55 > 0:03:56"Oh, yeah!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- "Oh, God, yeah!" - HE MOANS
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- FEMALE: - "Oh, God! Don't stop ...ing me!"
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- MALE: - "That's right!" They're so polite, Americans.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05"We're fucking and agreeing!" "That's right!" "Yeah, do me!"
0:04:05 > 0:04:07She's doing him, now!
0:04:07 > 0:04:09LAUGHTER
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- MALE: - "What are you doing?!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- FEMALE: - "I don't know, but I kind of like it!"
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- MALE: - "My prostate!"
0:04:15 > 0:04:19That was a genuine mistake, but it was a good bit of prostate banter.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Now, is there a single British woman that ever really wants a man to talk in bed?
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Can you think of anything more un-British than,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28"I'm shagging you right now, Maureen."
0:04:28 > 0:04:31"I know what you're doing, Bernard, I wish you'd get on with it."
0:04:31 > 0:04:33"We'll miss Waitrose at this rate."
0:04:33 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:39I mean, American porn, like American love scenes in movies, they're unattainable.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42It's not something British people can relate to. We don't do it like that.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46- AMERICAN ACCENT: - "Perfect sex with a perfect climax. That was amazing! Oh, God, yeah!"
0:04:46 > 0:04:49This is actual quotes, I won't say the name of the people,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52cos I don't want people Googling it, cos it is horrific.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54But trust me, there's an Essex pornographer,
0:04:54 > 0:04:56and this is a real quote at the height of the filth.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- ESSEX ACCENT: - "Oh, that's lovely, that."
0:04:58 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Regardless of your opinion, how proud to be British are you when you hear that?
0:05:03 > 0:05:08Listen to the grammar. This is from northern English porn.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- NORTHERN ACCENT: - "Oh, that's fucking champion."
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Champion. Champion. But this is my favourite moment ever,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15if you're just going to watch it for research.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- Let's just say the scene had concluded. - CLEARS THROAT
0:05:20 > 0:05:23And it concluded several times. It was a right mess.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27It was like someone had knocked a church candle over.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Let's just leave it like that, right? Honestly.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36- It was disgusting, really. But this was the British reaction. - HE MOANS
0:05:36 > 0:05:40There was a pause, and then straight down the camera, he said this:
0:05:40 > 0:05:41"Quality."
0:05:41 > 0:05:43"Quality"! Unbelievable.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Give it up for Wit Tank!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:01 > 0:06:06- Well, that's the last of it.- Thanks.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12Look, I know it's hard, but it was the right decision, for both of you.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14She's left me, Mark.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17The love of my life has gone.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19And I'm totally alone.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Dead inside.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I just feel nothing but pain.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29It's pain like you wouldn't imagine,
0:06:29 > 0:06:32this hideous, constant pain, like a dagger...
0:06:35 > 0:06:39..slowly twisting into my heart.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45- It's a pain like nothing else. And it's just... Ow!- What?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I've just stepped on a plug! Argh!
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59HE WAILS
0:06:59 > 0:07:04It's like a three-pronged attack from a tiny little army!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Don't touch it! Don't touch it! Oh! It's raw.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09It's raw.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Pointy little bastard!
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Cut it off, Mark. Fucking cut it off.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18HE GROANS IN AGONY
0:07:18 > 0:07:21It's like I'm having a baby!
0:07:21 > 0:07:25Breathe, breathe. You're doing really well.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27HE CRIES OUT
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Up we get. Come on.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- Don't touch me, don't touch me. - All right.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35HE GASPS
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- Sorry, what were we talking about? - It's literally not important.
0:07:40 > 0:07:41LAUGHTER
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I've gained so much perspective.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:53 > 0:07:56SEDUCTIVE VOICE: Welcome to my home, baby.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00- This is where the magic happens. - Fuck, have you been burgled?
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Oh, yeah.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06They've taken everything but there's one thing they didn't take.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Your really long futon?
0:08:10 > 0:08:14Extra long. I like to move around.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Relax, baby, while I set the mood.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18PHONE RINGS
0:08:18 > 0:08:22HOLD MUSIC PLAYS "LET'S GET IT ON"
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Baby, in the lottery of love,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29you have hit the jackpot with bonus balls.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32I'm going to create a magical night for you, baby.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35You will forget your name. You will forget your training.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38You will forget your four times table,
0:08:38 > 0:08:40so-called because if they had not stolen my table,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44we would do it four times on said table. And...
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- MUSIC STOPS - 'Please hold the line.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50'Your call is important and will be answered as soon as a team member becomes available.'
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- MUSIC STARTS When the magic is over... - What if someone answers the phone?
0:08:53 > 0:08:58Baby, this is customer services. We got all night.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00LAUGHTER
0:09:00 > 0:09:02APPLAUSE
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Ladies and gentlemen, you'll never guess who's here.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11It's Joe Wilkinson and Diane Morgan and Two Episodes Of Mash.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:20 > 0:09:26- Good evening. Hello. I'm Joe. That's...- Hello.- ..Diane.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Er... We're going to do some stuff.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Then we're going to fuck off.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- Pretty much how it works, innit?- Mm.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Oh, Christ. What's that?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45It's a photo of a wall for one of the sketches,
0:09:45 > 0:09:49but annoyingly I had my thumb over the lens.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53- You printed it anyway? - Yeah.- You...
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Let's just do this sketch.
0:09:58 > 0:10:0060 quid that cost.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Not made of money.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06First one.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08That was slick, wasn't it?
0:10:15 > 0:10:17HYMN MUSIC PLAYS
0:10:19 > 0:10:22CHURCH CHOIR SINGS
0:10:30 > 0:10:34'My brothers, sons of Abraham's race...'
0:10:40 > 0:10:45Why didn't you tell me the Songs Of Praise cameras were in this weekend?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- You know why. - I've got soup down my top.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50It's going to be on the telly.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57You shouldn't come out with soup down your top anyway, should you?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Right in the front row.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Shut up.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08If the cameras weren't here I'd fucking batter you.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16You know how much I love Songs Of Praise.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19- You should have checked the website. - What fucking website?
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- The fucking church website. - The church has got a website?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Of course it's got a fucking website.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Who the fuck checks the church website?!
0:11:27 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:41 > 0:11:46- What are you doing?- Taking all the blue M&Ms out for a rider.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- What's that for?- Me.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Guess I'm a bit of a diva!
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- What's in your rider?- Do you mean what's in my packed lunch?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56MIMICS: What's in my packed lunch?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58- But is that what you're asking?- Yes.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Well, made it myself so thought I'd keep it simple. Sandwich and crisps.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Oh, my God. Classic newby rider.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08- What flavour are the crisps? Ready salted?- Yeah, I love ready salted.
0:12:08 > 0:12:13- What flavour are your crisps?- Pickled onion, if you can call them crisps.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15SINGS: Monster Munch!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Got to use your imagination, dude. - Monster Munch?
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- Hardly the rider of a rockstar. - Well, that's not all I get.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Go on, then.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- The list goes on, dude.- Go on, then.
0:12:27 > 0:12:33- OK. I always get...pizzas.- Pizzas?
0:12:33 > 0:12:38- Pepperoni pizzas.- Not very exotic. - With the pepperonis taken off.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43- So Margheritas? - Yes, but loads of them.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- How many?- Like, 50.
0:12:46 > 0:12:51- That's quite a lot.- Yes, it is. - I expect that's very expensive.- Mm.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- Better order them in.- Will do. I'm not actually that hungry.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56There, it's calling.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- Do you want to go halvsies?- No.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08APPLAUSE
0:13:10 > 0:13:12< Right.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18Oh, shitting shit! Oh!
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Oh, piss ant! Oh, fucking Nora, that hurt.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Arseholes!
0:13:25 > 0:13:27Oh, crap!
0:13:27 > 0:13:32Crap on a fucking stick, that hurt. Wankers!
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Wank! That hurt. Wank, wank, wank!
0:13:35 > 0:13:37WANK!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39HE GROANS
0:13:41 > 0:13:44You do know you're meant to send the family MY finger, don't you?
0:13:44 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER
0:13:46 > 0:13:49APPLAUSE
0:14:00 > 0:14:02That was the cottage on the Saturday.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06That was the cottage on the Sunday.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10That's the cottage at night.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Ah! That's the path up the lane.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17And that's the path itself.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19It felt lovely underfoot, Emma.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23Emma, have you seen the film Babe?
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Er, Roberta, you've given it away!
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Now, Emma...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35..that is actually...
0:14:36 > 0:14:39..a picture...
0:14:39 > 0:14:42of a picture of a pig
0:14:42 > 0:14:49that Roberta took in case we didn't actually see a pig! Oh, God.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56- Love that.- Look at that lovely grass, Emma.- Really green, it was.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05That's a tractor Emma.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Sorry, what were you wearing on the last one?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Tractor wheels, discarded!
0:15:13 > 0:15:18Ah, then we went on a walk and met a lovely farmer.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Emma? Emma!
0:15:29 > 0:15:33Look what we've found. BOTH: A pig!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35THEY LAUGH
0:15:36 > 0:15:38That's a gate, Emma.
0:15:42 > 0:15:48Then we met a couple of hikers. They were lovely, weren't they, Janice?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Oh, they were lovely.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Oh, my God.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11SHE SQUEALS
0:16:12 > 0:16:14(Kill me.)
0:16:14 > 0:16:17SHE YELPS
0:16:17 > 0:16:20And that was the cottage on the Tuesday.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:30 > 0:16:32That was lovely(!)
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I like the way you were all laughing at the time
0:16:34 > 0:16:37and everyone just stopped laughing and went, "People have been hurt."
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Some people like it dark, some people like it light.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42That was particularly dark. I like that.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Those of you following the narrative of this series will realise
0:16:45 > 0:16:47I've been having a weird time relationship-wise,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49so I thought I'd track back to my first date,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51see if I could find the seeds of my disaster.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Sure enough, I can. I'm talking about the first girlfriend.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Not where you actually do it and are properly in love.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59I'm talking about the first when you're 13, that relationship.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Remember back to the awkwardness going on that first date, the horror.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08How much you got ready before. I'd done the too much gel on the hair.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12You know when boys go through a phase of a whole pot a day? I'm totally over it!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I've moved on. Wanker!
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Self-heckle. He's heckling himself. I love it, Bernard.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Girls, do remember what it was like when you had your first boyfriend over at 13?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23The atmosphere was horrible.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25The dad was sat on the sofa on his own.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28"My daughter is too young." Not looking at me, even though
0:17:28 > 0:17:32we were on the same sofa, slightly turned away like that.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35She's come down the stairs wearing too much. A full ballgown.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39"Indeed, you are most welcome to afternoon tea at my house.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41"I have dressed appropriately." Really over the top.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45And the dad just turned away like that watching a wildlife documentary.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Just horrible. Can you feel the atmosphere?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50This wouldn't be a stand-up routine -
0:17:50 > 0:17:51it barely fricking is anyway -
0:17:51 > 0:17:54if the next thing hadn't happened.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57This is one of the worst fricking moments of my life.
0:17:57 > 0:18:04Coming into my nose, in gusts, the pungent smell of dog shit.
0:18:04 > 0:18:10A young boy, who's broken by his dad's mantra of remove your shoes.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11"Never leave your shoes on."
0:18:11 > 0:18:14I've gone over to a house where I'm unwelcome and trod shit
0:18:14 > 0:18:16all the way from the front door
0:18:16 > 0:18:20to exactly where I was sitting on the carpet.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Not only that, there are two versions of treading in dog poo.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26There's where you've trod in it a while ago and you've left prints
0:18:26 > 0:18:28and then there's where you've just trod in it.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I must have hit it just before the door.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32You know when you first tread in it
0:18:32 > 0:18:34and you carry the poo with you for a couple of steps?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37I've carried it in! You know how I walk. I'm like, "Hey!"
0:18:37 > 0:18:40I'd flicked poo against the wall!
0:18:40 > 0:18:43If it was CSI, they'd have found the spatter marks.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46"This poo was flicked here."
0:18:46 > 0:18:47In clumps, trod through.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50And the mum, who was the nice one...
0:18:50 > 0:18:53You know how it works in a marriage with the mum and dad?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56There's one strict, horrible parent and one broken and twitchy.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00It's not always the woman that's broken. Sometimes the man is and the woman's dominant.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03In this one the man was dominant and the woman was broken. "All right, love.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06"Don't worry about it. I'm the broken, twitchy parent."
0:19:06 > 0:19:09You know when someone's telling you not to worry and it makes you want to cry?
0:19:09 > 0:19:12"It's all right. It can happen to anyone. Don't worry, love."
0:19:12 > 0:19:15She went back and got a bowl from under the sink
0:19:15 > 0:19:16and I was sat there
0:19:16 > 0:19:21while her mum was scrubbing shit out of the carpet like that.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25This is the bit which is going to sound written, and you'll think it is,
0:19:25 > 0:19:27but I swear to God the timing was unbelievable.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31As the mum was scrubbing the shit out of the carpet,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34the dad who'd been watching the wildlife documentary about walruses...
0:19:34 > 0:19:38He didn't react at all, just his nostrils went like that.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40That was his only reaction.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44And it reached the bit, as it always does in wildlife documentaries,
0:19:44 > 0:19:48to do with mating. I don't know if you've ever seen a walrus have sex?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51You want to come down Southend sometime!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53CAN I BUY YOU A SAMBUCA?
0:19:57 > 0:20:01As the mum started... You know when people start to scrub shit, they start quite gently
0:20:01 > 0:20:05and then they really get into it? Just as she got into really scrubbing the poo out,
0:20:05 > 0:20:09that was when the male walrus was mating the female walrus and it goes like this.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11"Wargh!" Right?
0:20:11 > 0:20:16Just for a short period of time the hand of the shit scrub
0:20:16 > 0:20:19and the walrus's penile thrust matched up.
0:20:19 > 0:20:25I was just sat there. "Wargh! Wargh! Wargh! Wargh!"
0:20:25 > 0:20:28That was my first date, ladies and gentlemen.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to reward you in the form of the one, the only, Joe Wilkinson.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:01 > 0:21:05'If you're already worried what the neighbours think of you,
0:21:05 > 0:21:08'and you know the local kids are trick or treating...'
0:21:09 > 0:21:11DOORBELL RINGS
0:21:19 > 0:21:21ALL: Trick or treat?
0:21:21 > 0:21:25'Don't then answer the door in a dressing gown that you know
0:21:25 > 0:21:27'is prone to flapping open.'
0:21:46 > 0:21:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:52 > 0:21:58Now, it's time for the final scoop of our chocolaty-dark urban drama.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Let's stick a Flake in this bad boy. It's The Van.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04APPLAUSE
0:22:13 > 0:22:18How far will you go to sell ice cream?
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Previously on The Van...
0:22:20 > 0:22:22You need to come and see this.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Fuckers.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27We don't give a fuck about ice cream.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28SOBBING
0:22:28 > 0:22:31What have you done?
0:22:34 > 0:22:36No going back now.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Six shots fired from right outside the van
0:22:49 > 0:22:52and none of you heard a thing?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54No, Inspector.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57None of us. Right, Mark?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Er, right.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03I just got the blood work back from the lab.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Made for some very interesting reading...
0:23:08 > 0:23:10..Miss Carter.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I did it.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- I killed them both. - Jimmy, no. What are you doing?
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I'll take the rap.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33- Save the van. - I can't let you do that, old friend.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37What are you going to do to stop me?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39This.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41BEEPING
0:23:43 > 0:23:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:48 > 0:23:51OK, guys. We are approaching the end of the show and if that worries you,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54just log onto:
0:23:54 > 0:23:55for loads more exclusive content.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Come to think of it, if a show merely finishing is worrying you,
0:23:58 > 0:24:01you might want to swallow about eight packs of Imodium
0:24:01 > 0:24:03to deal with the musical onslaught coming your way.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08I think you know what I'm talking about. It's the one, the only, Nick Helm!
0:24:08 > 0:24:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:13 > 0:24:16DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:39 > 0:24:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:43 > 0:24:46A bit of back story on this one first.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Relationships are hard, aren't they?
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Good. MUSIC STARTS
0:24:54 > 0:24:57# She's taking me to the County Court
0:24:57 > 0:25:00# She's gonna get me a nice divorce
0:25:00 > 0:25:03# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em good
0:25:03 > 0:25:07# She's gonna sign 'em like a good wife should
0:25:07 > 0:25:12# She's taken half of all I own
0:25:12 > 0:25:14# I get the kids but she keeps the home
0:25:14 > 0:25:17# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em nice
0:25:17 > 0:25:21# She's gonna sign 'em once She's gonna sign 'em twice
0:25:21 > 0:25:25# Get a divorce
0:25:25 > 0:25:28# Get a divorce
0:25:29 > 0:25:32# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em well
0:25:32 > 0:25:36# She's gonna sign 'em while I go to hell
0:25:36 > 0:25:40# I'm looking round for a bachelor flat
0:25:40 > 0:25:43# I ain't allowed no dogs no cats
0:25:43 > 0:25:46# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em grand
0:25:46 > 0:25:51# She's gonna sign 'em with her writing hand
0:25:51 > 0:25:54# She started seeing a millionaire
0:25:54 > 0:25:57# I've had to put the kids in care
0:25:57 > 0:26:01# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em fine
0:26:01 > 0:26:04# She's gonna sign 'em on the dotted line
0:26:04 > 0:26:07# Get a divorce
0:26:08 > 0:26:10# Get a divorce
0:26:12 > 0:26:15# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em right
0:26:15 > 0:26:19# She's gonna sign 'em every Tuesday night
0:26:20 > 0:26:23# I met a girl who looked quite keen
0:26:23 > 0:26:26# I swear to God she was 16
0:26:26 > 0:26:30# She's gonna sign the papers without fail
0:26:30 > 0:26:33# She's gonna sign 'em while I go to jail
0:26:33 > 0:26:37# She's gonna sign the papers once again
0:26:37 > 0:26:40# She's gonna sign 'em with her fountain pen
0:26:40 > 0:26:44# She's gonna sign the papers Sign 'em brill
0:26:44 > 0:26:47# She's gonna sign 'em with her fucking quill. #
0:26:48 > 0:26:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Wow, I see your rider's arrived. It's a lot of pizza.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09- 500 quid's worth, dog. Rockstar! - They forgot to take the pepperoni off.- Yeah, I know.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- Why don't you just eat it? - I can't. I'm allergic.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- It still tastes of it though. - Yeah, you look quite blotchy. - Should be fine.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20I got myself a side order of antihistamine.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24- Are you going to be all right for Russell's big dinner?- Yeah. - We're leaving in five.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27- Hey. Ready to go?- Yeah.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Somebody got my bloody rider wrong.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35I specifically asked for no pepperoni.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- Will you be all right? - Yeah, should be fine.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44- My windpipe's closing up.- Cool.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Don't embarrass yourself, newby!
0:27:54 > 0:27:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd