0:00:02 > 0:00:08THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND ADULT HUMOUR
0:00:08 > 0:00:12- Got a text, mate.- I've got...- It might be urgent.- "We regret to inform you you have HIV and chlamydia.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15"Your penis is also small and gross."
0:00:15 > 0:00:20- Shit, mate, might want to get down the clinic.- Yeah, but it might be a fake.- Why?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Because the text is from you.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Damn! People don't usually save my number.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Why are you filming this?
0:00:28 > 0:00:31Then the secret is out. The rumours are true.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33I am doing my own prank show.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35I'm calling it Spunked. It'll be like Punked.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- Do you know what that is?- Yeah, I worked on Punt.- Let me explain.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41It's where celebrities are put in hilariously compromising positions.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45For example, for Justin Timberlake, they got an entire removal crew.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- What are you going to do?- We're going to slap Russell Kane.- Don't.
0:00:48 > 0:00:53- Here he comes.- Why are you filming me?- Cos you're about to get slapped.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- Why?- Very good question.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Well, he didn't find that... very funny.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Welcome to Spunked!
0:01:26 > 0:01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Hello, lovely humans.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Well, double-penetrate me with your giggles.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39This is Live At The Electric!
0:01:41 > 0:01:42There's so many of them!
0:01:44 > 0:01:49Now, I am Russell Kane. Some of you slightly confused there.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Do not do me the credit of muddling me with any of the other Russells.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I live alone, I live in England, I'm into books, pets,
0:01:55 > 0:01:59and if a woman so much as touches me, she develops eczema immediately.
0:01:59 > 0:02:05Not really. He's just making himself look vulnerable so he can get more vag. Ding!
0:02:05 > 0:02:11Thankfully, I'm the only self-obsessed stand-up comedian in tonight's show.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15The rest of my crew are a heterogeneous bunch of geniuses
0:02:15 > 0:02:19peddling the genial crafts of sketch and character comedy. How exciting is that, yeah?
0:02:19 > 0:02:23We've even cross-bred hard rock with mental breakdown - it's too exciting.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Hashtag pre-cum.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31I don't want to be horrible to the people that are watching the show,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34because I use this phrase myself, but as a general rule,
0:02:34 > 0:02:38the more that you use the term "random", yeah, the more horribly
0:02:38 > 0:02:42linear and predictable and ordinary your life probably is, yeah?
0:02:42 > 0:02:47"Oh, my God, it's so random. I'm walking down the street with my mate Ollie, I can't believe it!
0:02:47 > 0:02:51"Oh, my God, I'd better trip over! Oh, my God, random! Life just can't be predicted!"
0:02:51 > 0:02:56"WTF? Let's cover ourselves in hummous and go to Oxbridge immediately!"
0:02:58 > 0:03:02"Why are you being so random?" "I'm not. I'm not being random, am I?"
0:03:02 > 0:03:04"Do you even know what it means?"
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"I can't believe I bumped into my friend Tim. What are the chances?"
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Quite high. You and Tim are into the same stuff, you're the same age,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13it's barely an interesting fucking coincidence.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15It's not random.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17What'd be random is if I dressed up as a knight
0:03:17 > 0:03:21and then stuck a squirrel in your shitter. That'd be random!
0:03:22 > 0:03:25"Oh, my God! How random! I'm being raped by a woodland animal.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28"That truly is mathematically accurate, man!"
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Now, the thing is, there'll be lots of people watching, 16 to 18,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36that find it quite patronising when I say "younger people",
0:03:36 > 0:03:39implying that you're somehow not yet fully grown up.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Let me put this very clearly to you, if you are watching this,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44aged 14, 15, 16.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47There's a quick check to see if you're fully grown up.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51Ask yourself this. If you're going, "I can't believe you're so patronising,
0:03:51 > 0:03:55"I'll switch the TV off! Excuse me, I am grown up. I know my politics, my life.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58"I'm sexually active. How dare you suggest I'm not grown up?!"
0:03:58 > 0:04:01That is the number one symptom of being a fucking child.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Number one!
0:04:02 > 0:04:07If you are sat there thinking, "I'm a snivelling baby that knows nothing about life,"
0:04:07 > 0:04:09welcome to adulthood.
0:04:09 > 0:04:14Welcome, but not until you've slid down a fridge sobbing with that revelation.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16"My life's fucked..."
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Not until you've had a fridge slide are you fully adult.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I find the mating game quite hard, because I developed a public...
0:04:26 > 0:04:29I play up to it on stage. It's only natural.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32People say, "You're camp." You play up to it if it gets a laugh. That's what a comedian does.
0:04:32 > 0:04:37But I'm finding it hard to seal the deal with the ladies off the stage.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Part of it is, the angriness of sex puts me off.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46Why did evolution seek to make anger and sex in he same field?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49The natural face of shagging is quite angry, isn't it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:51"Yeah, this is the best feeling I've ever had!
0:04:51 > 0:04:55"I've never felt so good, making sweet, gentle love to you..."
0:04:55 > 0:05:01Eugh! At what point did it become evolutionary beneficial
0:05:01 > 0:05:05to look like you hate someone's guts while you're pounding them? "I really love you!"
0:05:05 > 0:05:10How much nicer would sex be if this was the natural face of shagging?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19I think a lot of guys would like it, yeah. Not too funny, though.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22You can't laugh during sex. Laughing during sex - forget about it.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- "I'd like to try it, though." - HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
0:05:30 > 0:05:33For some of the younger people who maybe haven't experimented
0:05:33 > 0:05:35with any sexual partners yet - don't attempt that,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38The worst one is when you're laughed OUT of someone. How horrible is that?!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40HE GIGGLES MANIACALLY
0:05:40 > 0:05:43You laughed me out!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46That's horrible, especially if that happens at the end.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48"Don't laugh!" Splat! "Oh, no!"
0:05:48 > 0:05:51# You can go hot, you can go home, you can go splat! #
0:05:54 > 0:05:56My mum calls him will.1am.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01I think we should proceed. Imagine being inside my head - I'm fucked.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Now, make some noise.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08Clap until the mock masonry falls from the walls, for Winston!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:16 > 0:06:17CRACKLY INTERFERENCE
0:06:22 > 0:06:23'I like to watch.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28'That's why I have eyes, I suppose...
0:06:28 > 0:06:30'to watch things.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37'Some people think that watching is a strange and perverse habit.
0:06:40 > 0:06:45'They're right. I am both strange and perverse...
0:06:47 > 0:06:51'..only I'm different to the other watchers,
0:06:51 > 0:06:56'because I don't just watch people, places, wildlife.
0:06:56 > 0:07:03'Oh, no. My watching takes a far more sinister form.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06'I like to watch the watching.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12'That's right. I'm a voyeur voyeur.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17'I spectate the spectator.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21'Nothing gets me more excited than watching another filthy pervert
0:07:21 > 0:07:25'watching someone else, with no idea he's being watched by me.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27HE GRUNTS
0:07:27 > 0:07:31'The man preparing an ambush least expects an ambush.
0:07:33 > 0:07:39'The man mugging a child least expects to be mugged by a child.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44'And here my watcher has no idea he's being watched.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47HE JUDDERS
0:07:47 > 0:07:50HE EXHALES 'Why do I do it?'
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Not for charity, that's for sure!
0:07:58 > 0:07:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- Welcome, sir.- Oh, hello.- Who is this little one?- This is Sally.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16How old are you, Sally?
0:08:16 > 0:08:17She's having a shy day today.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19She's four years old.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Oh, I don't know if you've noticed
0:08:20 > 0:08:23but kids under the age of five eat for free, so...
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Oh, look at that. Oh, shoot. We hadn't no...
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Oh, we've made up our minds anyway.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29- Er, I'll have the small cheese toastie, please...- Mm-hm.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32..and Sally will have the 15oz rib eye.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:38- 15oz rib eye?- Yes, please, with a whisky chaser.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39LAUGHTER
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Right away, sir.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:50 > 0:08:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Now, do you know what would be much more fun than watching me
0:08:55 > 0:08:56desperately thrust for attention?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58It's giving a massive round of applause
0:08:58 > 0:09:01and welcoming to the stage Two Episodes Of Mash!
0:09:01 > 0:09:03APPLAUSE
0:09:11 > 0:09:12HE MOUTHS THANKS
0:09:18 > 0:09:19LAUGHTER
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Hello. LAUGHTER
0:09:27 > 0:09:29- I'm Joe, this is Diane.- Hello.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Er...this is our bit.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39We're going to do, er...two sketches.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42CHEERING
0:09:42 > 0:09:46I'll be honest with you - we may do less if we lose confidence.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48LAUGHTER
0:09:48 > 0:09:49- That's fair, innit?- Mm.
0:09:49 > 0:09:54So, why is there a picture of an angle grinder?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Oh, they've printed the wrong one of the pictures I sent them.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01That one was meant to be for a christening card.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- Right, shall we do a sketch?- Yeah.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17First one.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21LAUGHTER
0:10:33 > 0:10:37- Are you a genie?- Yep. LAUGHTER
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Right.
0:10:38 > 0:10:43- I was expecting a puff of smoke, or something.- Oh, right, sorry.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46You caught me off guard.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47I was washing me hair.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48LAUGHTER
0:10:51 > 0:10:56- So, do I get three wishes, then? - Yeah.- Great, OK. My first wish...
0:10:56 > 0:11:01- Oh, right, yeah.- My first wish is to be a millionaire.- Very original.
0:11:01 > 0:11:02Fair enough.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- Bollocks.- What?- Oh, shit.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- What?- You know... Oh, fuck.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16What?
0:11:18 > 0:11:19You know how... Oh!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21You know how I make the wishes?
0:11:21 > 0:11:25Well, I think I've left the instructions in the lantern.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Right, well, go in and get them.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Yes, but how I get back in is part of the general instructions,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32which are in the lantern.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34So where does that leave us?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Ah, the annoying thing is, I can see them in there.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38LAUGHTER
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Oh, you're a dickhead! How long have you been in there?
0:11:45 > 0:11:49- Dunno, about a thousand years?- And you never thought of learning it?
0:11:50 > 0:11:52I've got Sky+.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53LAUGHTER
0:11:54 > 0:11:58- It takes up a lot of time.- I could have really done with three wishes.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01SHE SIGHS
0:12:01 > 0:12:04What about me? I'm stuck out here now.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Can I stay with you for a bit?- No.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Hello? Hello?!- What are you doing?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Just seeing if my flatmate's in.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:28 > 0:12:30BAND PLAYS: "The Star-Spangled Banner"
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Hello, Britain. This is Hari Kondabolu and I'm an American.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38I recently tried some of your cuisine.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40This is your national dish?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42You plundered the world for spice and you still eat something
0:12:42 > 0:12:44that could have been invented by McDonald's?!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46"But potatoes are good for you!"
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Unless they're deep-fried.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Fish is good for you, too!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Unless they're deep-fried.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Guys, stop deep-frying everything.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59Black pudding is sausage made of congealed blood?!
0:13:00 > 0:13:06Hang on - you eat blood, you have terrible complexions,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09you live in a country with very little sunlight...
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I knew it! You're vampires! LAUGHTER
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Of course, it's all about the flavour.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18It's best to add salt, vinegar and ketchup to bring out
0:13:18 > 0:13:21the natural taste...of salt, vinegar and ketchup.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26Marmite is disgusting and I know half of you agree with me.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30Do you even know what Marmite is? It's the waste product from beer.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31It's beer shit.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36And Hari Kondabolu doesn't eat shit.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Good night, Britain.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42APPLAUSE
0:13:42 > 0:13:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Ooh.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- What are you doing?- Touching you with this ten foot pole.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Ho-ho! Wow!
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- Makes me feel quite good about myself.- Yeah.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I always said I wouldn't do this, but look at me.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30I'm doing it, aren't I?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Thanks, Diane. - You're welcome.- That's it.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Heads up, YouTubers.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46We're here in Joe Wilkinson's dressing room
0:14:46 > 0:14:49and he's about to get a bit of a surprise.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- Tell them what you're going to do. - I'm going to jump out at him.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Do the thing.- Rawr!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59A tiger in my dressing room?! What the fuck?!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- DOOR OPENS - Shit, that's him.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12HE SOBS Fuck!
0:15:14 > 0:15:17CONTINUES TO SOB
0:15:22 > 0:15:26- Do it. Do it.- No way!
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Spunk.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Argh!
0:15:49 > 0:15:54- I've... I've been stabbed. I can't feel my arms.- Get help! Get help!
0:15:54 > 0:15:56No, wait!
0:15:56 > 0:15:57It's too late.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- Do something for me. - Anything.- Look in my pocket.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09My wife and I are doing IVF.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13I've got to leave her something. Give my wife my baby.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Oh! Right.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Give my wife my baby!
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Yeah. Yeah, OK.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Thank you.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Yeah.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Ah...
0:16:36 > 0:16:37That's not quite the angle
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- you've got going there.- Sorry.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Just, yeah...
0:16:44 > 0:16:47- Put a bit of soul into it. - Yeah, sorry.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- Women aren't always...- OK.- Yeah.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59All right, big guy. Let's make some babies.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Oh! Ho-ho!
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Oh, God! You're good!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07That's the stuff, am I right?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Ooh!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Oh! Ah!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14You want to back up, love.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16This guy's got game!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Oh!- Go long! Go long!
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Nn-gg! Ho!
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Oh! Oh!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29APPLAUSE
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Ahoy, skips. Do any other men skip?
0:17:36 > 0:17:38This is what happens to a young, straight...
0:17:38 > 0:17:42Admittedly, I don't look straight, but I am a young straight man,
0:17:42 > 0:17:46without a woman, this happens. I didn't learn the art of pulling.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I've gone from nothing at all, no female attention,
0:17:49 > 0:17:55long term girlfriend, to this, with female attention and I'm still managing to eff it up.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59For those of you that might be younger or as useless with women
0:17:59 > 0:18:05as I am, let me give you a few tips I've discovered manually that women definitely do not like.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10Cos I come across younger than my age and quite boyish on stage, that must be a turn on for women.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12I'm going to play up to it in the bedroom. No.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16The bedroom is the time to stop that behaviour, it turns out.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Do not try and make your language more juvenile.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Please can I have a blowie-wowie, please!
0:18:25 > 0:18:30It's one that definitely does not work. Do not bring anything from Harry Potter in as well.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35Do not put a sorting hat on a woman's head and go, "Gryffindor!"
0:18:39 > 0:18:43That would be really good. The sorting hat decides what we're going to do in bed.
0:18:43 > 0:18:47And your friends doing the voice from round the corner. "Bum sex!"
0:18:47 > 0:18:49The hat has spoken!
0:18:51 > 0:18:54There's something else, although it's worth doing it once.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59Never ever...ever put a Berroca in a girl's fanny. Ever!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Don't do it, seriously.
0:19:06 > 0:19:11For the first 20 seconds, nothing, and then it all kicks off.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"Oh, you've got a volcano!"
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Dante's vag! No, don't do it.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21By the way, if you do that and nothing happens,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23she doesn't fancy you.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27There's one other. This is when you know you really love each other.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32Doing it in the morning and it's thanks to American movies. "Oh, my God!
0:19:32 > 0:19:38"Let's just do it with the light streaming on our bodies. Oh, God! Yeah! Morning sex is so good! Ye-ah!"
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Doesn't work in Britain. "Let's do it in the morning. I need a piss.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44"She's got dog-shit breath. It's not working!"
0:19:47 > 0:19:50How much does it take...? "Let's do it when we first wake up,
0:19:50 > 0:19:53"as soon as I've done this really loud horse piss."
0:19:53 > 0:19:58Tsh-sh-sh-sh! Tsh-sh-sh-sh!
0:19:58 > 0:20:03If you hear someone doing a really loud whizz, just forget it. Just leave it.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I don't put loud wee in the foreplay bracket.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09OK, ladies and gentlemen,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12show your appreciation for the wonderful Joe Wilkinson!
0:20:12 > 0:20:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:30 > 0:20:33MONITORS BEEP
0:21:13 > 0:21:16MONITORS BEEP
0:21:58 > 0:22:01'After pronouncing a patient is dead, don't then admit that you're not
0:22:01 > 0:22:06'actually a doctor, but just on your way to a fancy dress party.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20'Going through the hospital is just a great little shortcut
0:22:20 > 0:22:23'to The Plough & Sail where Mark was having his do.'
0:22:25 > 0:22:28APPLAUSE
0:22:28 > 0:22:30How good was that?!
0:22:30 > 0:22:35If you'd like even more good stuff, head to...
0:22:35 > 0:22:41And if you want music, how about you start applauding for Nik Hill.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45APPLAUSE
0:22:50 > 0:22:55- Good evening, the Electric Show! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- You all right? - AUDIENCE: Yeah!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Then let's stuff it in the chuff!
0:23:01 > 0:23:05All right, let's cut the shit. This song's really long.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09It doesn't have a chorus and there's no real punchline to it until right at the end.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12But aside from that, it's quite good.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Er... So, if you don't like it, why not try fucking yourself?
0:23:21 > 0:23:24# It's just a second date
0:23:24 > 0:23:26# And things are going great
0:23:26 > 0:23:28# He says he'll pick her up at six,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31# But he is running late
0:23:31 > 0:23:33# So she goes to change her shoes
0:23:33 > 0:23:36# Put on a bit more rouge
0:23:36 > 0:23:38# She swaps her dress a seventh time
0:23:38 > 0:23:40# Not sure which one to choose
0:23:40 > 0:23:43# Cos this might be the one
0:23:43 > 0:23:46# He seems like so much fun
0:23:46 > 0:23:48# She knows she shouldn't race ahead
0:23:48 > 0:23:50# But her heart begins to run
0:23:50 > 0:23:52# Church bells start to ring
0:23:52 > 0:23:54# Her soul begins to sing
0:23:54 > 0:23:58# She names her kids from one to five, yeah
0:23:58 > 0:24:00# This man means everything
0:24:00 > 0:24:02# She sat around for hours
0:24:02 > 0:24:05# As he bundles up with flowers
0:24:05 > 0:24:07# He got delayed around his mate's
0:24:07 > 0:24:09# It was all out of his powers
0:24:09 > 0:24:12# They don't go very far
0:24:12 > 0:24:15# He takes her to a bar
0:24:15 > 0:24:18# The service isn't very good
0:24:18 > 0:24:20# The choice is below par
0:24:20 > 0:24:22# She sat facing the door
0:24:22 > 0:24:25# So that he can watch the score
0:24:25 > 0:24:27# On the TV screen behind her
0:24:27 > 0:24:30# As the crowd begins to roar
0:24:30 > 0:24:32# She has the pasta bake
0:24:32 > 0:24:35# He has the gammon steak
0:24:35 > 0:24:37# They wash it down with a glass of house
0:24:37 > 0:24:40# Finish off with cake
0:24:40 > 0:24:42# She meets his vacant stare
0:24:42 > 0:24:45# Her eyes begin to glare
0:24:45 > 0:24:47# What the fuck is on his mind?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49# What's going on up there?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52# She's nearly at her brink
0:24:52 > 0:24:54# She has another drink
0:24:54 > 0:24:57# She's all awash with alcohol
0:24:57 > 0:24:59# The empties start to clink
0:24:59 > 0:25:01# She's all over the place
0:25:01 > 0:25:04# Mascara down her face
0:25:04 > 0:25:07# Who's this prick she's sitting with?
0:25:07 > 0:25:10# This date's been a disgrace
0:25:10 > 0:25:11# She says, who am I to you?
0:25:11 > 0:25:15# Just another girl to screw?
0:25:15 > 0:25:16# You really are a shower of shit
0:25:16 > 0:25:19# You haven't got a clue
0:25:19 > 0:25:21# But then she ups and leaves
0:25:21 > 0:25:24# She almost feels bereaved
0:25:24 > 0:25:26# She walks away with dignity
0:25:26 > 0:25:29# And vomit up her sleeve
0:25:29 > 0:25:32# She's ignoring all his calls
0:25:32 > 0:25:34# And is tumbling into walls
0:25:34 > 0:25:36# He catches up behind her
0:25:36 > 0:25:39# And she kicks him in the balls
0:25:39 > 0:25:41# You can learn this lesson too
0:25:41 > 0:25:43# To save you feeling blue
0:25:43 > 0:25:46# Never take your date to Wetherspoons
0:25:46 > 0:25:48# If you've got a love that's true
0:25:48 > 0:25:51# Romance shouldn't cost a lot
0:25:51 > 0:25:53# You can only work with what you got
0:25:53 > 0:25:56# But just so you know what is what...
0:25:57 > 0:26:00AUDIENCE STARTS TO APPLAUD
0:26:02 > 0:26:05# That man was...
0:26:05 > 0:26:09# Me
0:26:09 > 0:26:12# That man was, that man was
0:26:12 > 0:26:15# Me
0:26:15 > 0:26:20- # Me - That man was, that man was
0:26:20 > 0:26:25- # Me - That man was, that man was
0:26:25 > 0:26:29- # Me - That man was, that man was
0:26:29 > 0:26:34- # Me - That man was, that man was
0:26:34 > 0:26:36# That man was...
0:26:36 > 0:26:38# Me. #
0:26:38 > 0:26:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Tom, I'm not dead.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Tom...
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd