0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09- I feel so sick. I wonder why.- Is it because you went out last night?
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Have you seen the photos already? Damn you, Facebook!
0:00:12 > 0:00:15- I'm not friends with you on Facebook.- I've got them here.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Who was taking these photos?
0:00:18 > 0:00:21I wasn't drinking on my own. I was with Ramos, the security guy.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25Fucking hysterical. You probably wouldn't get on with him.
0:00:25 > 0:00:30- Yeah? I've heard he's a little bit of a...- Rodney, you plonkers!- Oh-oh!
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- How hung over you are from last night?- Pretty hung over!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36When I left, you were lying in the middle of the road
0:00:36 > 0:00:38being sick like a pig.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I thought, "This guy, he is definitely going to choke!"
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Oh, that really hurts, Ramos.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Tom, this is Ramos.- Hi, I'm Tom.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Oh, almost grabbed your dick there.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Pretty sure you did.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53So, we are still on for round two tonight, and I can meet Russell?
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Dude, mi amigos es tu amigos.
0:00:54 > 0:00:59Whatever, so long as they are not Rodney plonkers. Or gay.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Hello, hello, hello!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Hello and welcome to Question Time. I'm David Dimbleby,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33and tonight I'll be talking to Baroness Warsi
0:01:33 > 0:01:35about migrant workers within the European Union.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Not really, I'm Russell Kane, this is Live At the Electric
0:01:38 > 0:01:42and throughout the show, I'll be referring to my helmet. Hooray!
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Please join me tonight, succulent bastards, on a comedy foray.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I am your solitary stand-up guide,
0:01:48 > 0:01:51merely a fluffer for your stimulation.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54And only when you're at full comedic tumescence
0:01:54 > 0:01:57will I allow the delicate insertion of sketch comedy,
0:01:57 > 0:02:01character comedy and even a glutinous money-shot of music.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I call that "Stephen Fry on Viagra,"
0:02:04 > 0:02:07or Fry-agra! Neh-heh!
0:02:07 > 0:02:08So anyone from Essex in?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Give me a cheer. - CROWD CHEERS
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Love a bit of Essex, that's where my old man was from.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15That's where our beach hut was.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Got my house in Westcliff. I love it there.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20My favourite bit of graffiti I ever saw was in Essex.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22It's just the mixture of working classness
0:02:22 > 0:02:24and grooming is absolutely brilliant.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27"I'm a total chav but my hair is perfect, yeah?"
0:02:27 > 0:02:30"I'm going to kick your face in, Gary, but with top quality shoes!"
0:02:32 > 0:02:34About a year ago, my life went tits up.
0:02:34 > 0:02:35I ended up back at my mum's
0:02:35 > 0:02:38and I was having a sofa day where you're shivering under the blanket,
0:02:38 > 0:02:42like, "eurgh," just eating soup. And everything...
0:02:42 > 0:02:44..it's the smallness of a mum's world that's consoling.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Mums bring everything smaller.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49"It's all right, love. Just shut the doors, come back to your Mum.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52"You're never too old to suckle. Shhh."
0:02:52 > 0:02:57And I was lying on the sofa, and it was just over a year ago,
0:02:57 > 0:03:01cos it was when the revolutions were starting in the Arab Spring,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03and I think it was, erm....
0:03:03 > 0:03:06it was, it was Egypt at the time and I was watching it,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09and you know what drama queens are like,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11everything that happens is a reflection on our behaviour.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14"Oh, my God, there's revolution. Misery's all over the world.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17"It must be spreading from my heart into the Middle East."
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I took it as a metaphor for my own sadness, how pathetic is that?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22"Oh, those poor people in Cairo! Eurgh...wah!"
0:03:22 > 0:03:25And I looked over and saw my mum's face.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27You know the working class face that's a bit smiling
0:03:27 > 0:03:28with thickness, like that?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36There are people running from their homes, Mubarak kicking off,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39and my mum's watching it like that. I was like, "Why is she smiling?"
0:03:39 > 0:03:42And then she got my heartstrings with this,
0:03:42 > 0:03:46when I realised how small her world was. She said this.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48"You know what this means, don't you, Russ?" "What, Mum?"
0:03:48 > 0:03:51"Bargains to Sharm el-Sheikh."
0:03:51 > 0:03:53That was her only thought.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56My mum and her boyfriend Danny... urgh, she's got a boyfriend, urgh!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Please don't put your willy in my mum! Please!
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Anyway, they went...the first week
0:04:04 > 0:04:08that the British Embassy recommended it was safe to travel,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Mum and Danny was like, "Right, bargains to Sharm, here we go!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:13And I was like, "Mum, I don't think you should go.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16"You're the only person I can rely on. I literally need you."
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"Russ, do not..." these were her exact words,
0:04:18 > 0:04:22and there was a printout from her dot matrix printer bought in Makros.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25She's like, "Russ, do not panic.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27"I am fully insured with insureandgo.com."
0:04:27 > 0:04:30"I have full insurance off the website."
0:04:30 > 0:04:35I was like, "Mum, do you honestly think that's going to cover you?"
0:04:35 > 0:04:37And she went with this insurance,
0:04:37 > 0:04:39and there was a couple of days where the phone lines went down,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42you couldn't get a line out to Sharm and I was panicking.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45And she phoned the next day, she went, "Russ, don't panic.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47"Everything's fine at the resort."
0:04:47 > 0:04:50And why would you leave the resort? Never leave the resort.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53Put your arm-band on, just feed from a fucking trough like that.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55All-inclusive trough.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Just droppings coming out of your arse like that.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Just feed from the all-inclusive trough for a week and go home.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08This is her actual words. "Russ, don't panic. Don't get me wrong,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11"you can hear distant noises of battle."
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Distant noises of battle!
0:05:14 > 0:05:19"But the weather is molten, and that's all that matters."
0:05:19 > 0:05:21And I was like, "Mum, I don't think you should stay."
0:05:21 > 0:05:25"Russ, I'm fully insured with the insurance off the website.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27"Platinum level cover."
0:05:27 > 0:05:31She honestly believed that an online insurance company
0:05:31 > 0:05:33could protect her against anything.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Like she's going to end up on YouTube in an orange jumpsuit going,
0:05:36 > 0:05:39"People of Britain, do not panic. I am fully insured.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41"They cannot touch me,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44"although you did try to behead me, didn't you, Mehmet?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47"He was very naughty on Day Four."
0:05:47 > 0:05:50"I cannot get through her neck, she's powerfully insured.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52"I do not understand."
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Some Italian al-Qaeda there for you.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59"Hey, I'm a revolutionary, I cannot help it!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01"Oh, mamma mia, we have a revolution!"
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Now, you won't hear me say this very often,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08but some things in life shouldn't be shaven.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13And one of them is Joe Wilkinson!
0:06:13 > 0:06:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I got a job jumping out of a cake.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36But I didn't know we were running late.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41So when I jumped out of the cake, I was still in the back of the van.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:03 > 0:07:08Now, are you sure you're OK to identify your brother's body?
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Yes.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13In the accident, he did lose his legs.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16And his arms.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19And his torso.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23And his head.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31That's him.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:40 > 0:07:41I'm so excited,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I've split my skinnies with the turgidity of arousal.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Make some noise for Two Episodes of Mash!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:07 > 0:08:08Hello.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12This is our...our bit.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Erm, it's short,
0:08:14 > 0:08:19so it won't take long, we'll be out of your hair soon. Erm...
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Won't take long, will it?- No.- No.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Stay with us.
0:08:29 > 0:08:35Erm, why is...why is there a wordsearch...?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38It's in case the audience gets bored during our bit.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Give 'em something to do.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45It's a brilliant idea.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52If you get bored, have a look for "Elephant."
0:08:52 > 0:08:54AUDIENCE MEMBER: Found it.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Good, you've found it already.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Anyway, Joe, how was your birthday the other day?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Oh yeah, it was good...
0:09:06 > 0:09:11'Oh, Christ, a bit of my spit just hit her in the face.'
0:09:11 > 0:09:13'He just spat in my face.'
0:09:13 > 0:09:15'Oh, I don't think she's noticed.'
0:09:15 > 0:09:18'He thinks I haven't noticed.'
0:09:18 > 0:09:20'Ohh, she's noticed, I can tell.'
0:09:22 > 0:09:25'Oh, I can feel it on my face.'
0:09:25 > 0:09:27'Why doesn't she wipe it off?'
0:09:27 > 0:09:30'I really want to wipe it off, but then he'll know that I know
0:09:30 > 0:09:32'that he's spat on my face.'
0:09:32 > 0:09:35'Wipe it off, it's weird!'
0:09:35 > 0:09:38'This is disgusting.'
0:09:38 > 0:09:40'Disgusting.'
0:09:42 > 0:09:44'Oh, thank God for that.'
0:09:44 > 0:09:48'Oh, it's gone. Thank God for that. Maybe she didn't notice.'
0:09:48 > 0:09:51'Dirty bastard.'
0:09:51 > 0:09:53- Sorry, what?- Nothing.- That's it.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:09 > 0:10:12We all like a drink. Who doesn't?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Some of us like a couple.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Again, what's the problem?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19But there's always that annoying voice
0:10:19 > 0:10:22in the back of your head saying, "You shouldn't drink too much."
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Well, now you can drink too much with Too Much,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29our new premium strength super lager.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32You can drink Too Much with family or even on a first date.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36But don't drink Too Much too much, or then you'll have had FAR too much.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39And remember, don't drink drive.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Drink Drive!
0:10:40 > 0:10:45Part of our new energy drinks range. Teetotal but still enjoy a night out?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Drink Drive! What could be safer?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49You can drink as much as you want before driving,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52but don't drink Too Much before driving.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56And remember, please drink responsibly.
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Responsibly!
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Now available in new apple, strawberry and cherry bomb flavours.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Now you can drink Drive, drink Too Much
0:11:04 > 0:11:07and drink Responsibly all on the same night.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09You can enjoy all of these drinks sociably,
0:11:09 > 0:11:12but I prefer to drink alone!
0:11:19 > 0:11:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Hold aloft your comedy plates
0:11:25 > 0:11:27for further helpings of Two Episodes of Mash.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:38 > 0:11:40HE GAGS
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Urgh.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- Diane. - HE GAGS
0:11:47 > 0:11:49- Diane.- What?
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Come and have a look at this.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53What?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Oh, g...! A-agh!
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Urgh!
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Urgh!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08- Oh, is that what I think it is?- Uh-huh.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Oh, God, it looks like it's still beating.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Oh!
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Should be, I've had it over an hour.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19God, it's nothing like what you see on the front
0:12:19 > 0:12:20of Valentines cards, is it?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22No.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Except that there's an arrow sticking in it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Where did you get it?
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- Well, you know how I work for Children's BBC?- Yeah.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Well, erm...
0:12:33 > 0:12:36..urgh, we had, erm...
0:12:36 > 0:12:40we had David Blaine on the Dick and Dom show, you know.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44He was doing his new stunt.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48He was going to go 48 hours without two of his major organs.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52- That's a hell of a stunt. - Oh, you'd think so, but no, no, no.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56Cos they took out his appendix, you know, it was fine,
0:12:56 > 0:13:00big round of applause, and then they took out his heart,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03and Dom held it up in the air like something out of Highlander.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05- That sounds hilarious!- No, no.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Then what happened?
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Dom pronounced him dead ten seconds later.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17Oh, God, so...what are you doing with the heart?
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Well, they gave the appendix to one of those organ donation places.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Right, well...
0:13:25 > 0:13:28..wouldn't it have made more sense to give them the heart?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Well it's a bit late for that. I've stuck an arrow in it now.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:43 > 0:13:46It has everything. Big dogs, little dogs, donkeys.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49And it's like in my Top Five Funniest Pornos
0:13:49 > 0:13:53because her face is not only expressing horrible agony
0:13:53 > 0:13:57but it is also a deep sorrow. Ha-ha-ha!
0:13:57 > 0:14:03- That's quite sad.- "Am I bovvered? Does my face look bovvered?"
0:14:03 > 0:14:07What is your favourite type of comedy?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Erm, I like American stuff.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- No, I don't really like stand-up from there.- Oh, yeah.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Which ones don't you like?
0:14:14 > 0:14:19Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Whoopi Goldberg, Bill Cosby,
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Martin Luther King.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Why's that?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Lost in translation, I guess.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Cool! Well, I will let you two amigos bicker on.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I've got to go clean the loos for, like, the rest of the day,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36so I'll see you in the pub.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Oh, another trip to the toilet. We are suspicious of you!
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Suspicious that he is a fag.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47Let us pray he is "the only gay in the village!"
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Yeah, that's...great.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Let's cross to our correspondent.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58He's from the place where chips are fries and so are the prisoners.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Zzz! "I didn't mean to murder!" Zzz!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04It's Hari Kondabolu.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:07 > 0:15:10MUSIC: "The Star Spangled Banner" by Francis Scott Key
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Hello, Britain. This is Hari Kondabolu and I'm an American.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19The British have a rich history and a multicultural society.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21In your museums, you can see artefacts
0:15:21 > 0:15:23from all over the world for free...
0:15:23 > 0:15:28..that Britain took from all over the world for free.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Stolen, stolen, stolen.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Hey, that's my grandmother's!
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Unlike the UK, the US doesn't steal other people's shit.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Except that time we stole America from the Native Americans.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42But it was just that one time.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45And since then, it's not like we go into other countries and take stuff.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49What?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52In America, drinking at lunchtime means you have a problem.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57In Britain, NOT drinking at lunchtime means you have a problem.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00The Rolling Stones are one of the greatest bands
0:16:00 > 0:16:01in rock and roll history.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04The key word there, of course, is "history."
0:16:04 > 0:16:06They're so old.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09"Move like Jagger?" How about breathe like Jagger?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Chew soft food like Jagger.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Be grateful you can open your eyes in the morning like Jagger.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17I think it should be illegal to have sex with one of them.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Way too close to necrophilia.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22And what about your culture of losing?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26That's why it's so ironic that the UK's hosting the Olympics this year.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29It's like a birthday party where all of your friends receive gifts
0:16:29 > 0:16:32instead of you. Goodnight.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Mum's worse.
0:16:44 > 0:16:45I can't afford the operation.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Come with me. It's going to be all right.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Tom and I have sorted everything. - What do you mean?
0:16:51 > 0:16:54We've robbed the bakery.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56You little beauties. How much was in the till?
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Till?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:05 > 0:17:07How good were they?
0:17:09 > 0:17:11What about when people over-pronounce a word
0:17:11 > 0:17:14to show they're familiar with the language? Showing off.
0:17:14 > 0:17:15"I'll have some pizza, please,
0:17:15 > 0:17:17"and I'll have some "ch-ala-penyo" on that!"
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Say Jalapeno, you dick!
0:17:24 > 0:17:27"Yes, I'd like some extra "ch-ala-penyo!"
0:17:27 > 0:17:29That's what Spanish people are like, they're like snakes.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33They have to dislocate their jaw to greet each other. "Buenos dias!"
0:17:35 > 0:17:39"Buenos dias." "Buenos dias tardes!"
0:17:41 > 0:17:46Amazing, innit? We fantasise about Spain...fascinate English people.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48We move there, we go on holiday there.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51We just fantasise about living there, it's just so opposite to us,
0:17:51 > 0:17:54so warm and relaxed and family focused.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57They go home and have a little kip at lunchtime. Imagine that.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01"I go home, I sleep for a bit. See you." "That's fine."
0:18:01 > 0:18:03"You're sacked, wanker!" That's what would happen here.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06They meet together at lunchtime. I was doing a gig in Barcelona
0:18:06 > 0:18:08and there was just a table set out on the street,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11and there was mum and dad and the kids at five in the afternoon.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Nan was there in her black shawl and they were having food together
0:18:14 > 0:18:17and they were eating little bits of food throughout the day
0:18:17 > 0:18:19and making it last and enjoying life.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21It couldn't be more different to Britain.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25"I starved myself all day, ate nothing, got in at 11 at night,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27"had a massive meal, kicked my fucking nan in the face,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29"went to work the next day."
0:18:31 > 0:18:34American people might be watching this. Are you having fun?
0:18:34 > 0:18:37It's really different watching stand-up in the UK
0:18:37 > 0:18:41to watching it in America. Comedy in America's like, "Woo-woo!
0:18:41 > 0:18:43"Don't even listen. Let's cheer anyway! Hooray!"
0:18:43 > 0:18:47I went onstage in New York, got it completely wrong.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50It's so hard for an English person to mess a gig up in America.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Whereas Brits, we start from "Prove yourself, dick,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55"and we'll build slowly, yeah? Don't give him too much.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58"We paid 15 quid, let the little shit work his nuts off."
0:18:59 > 0:19:05Whereas in America it's like, "Whoo, we'll give you a pushoff, buddy, it's for you to mess it up. Hooray!"
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Now, you think, as a comedian, I would prefer that, don't you?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10But you're forgetting what it's like to be British.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14As soon as we see something special we want to spoil it, don't we?
0:19:14 > 0:19:18It's the finest hotel, what a shame someone's kicked a fucking sink off the wall!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20That's the way we're programmed.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23So I went out in America, "Come on, he's probably from Lon-don.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27"Am I saying it right? Lon-don. Hurray! Maybe he'll bring us i-rony."
0:19:31 > 0:19:33And they were so friendly.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37You know, I'll come on and I'll say hello, do a few jokes about myself.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39I sort of grounded myself on the stage a bit.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43It was so positive that that British thing of spoiling it - smash it up! - just came into my head.
0:19:43 > 0:19:48Like, "Woo!" and I went, "Good evening." There was a guy sat at the end, enjoying the comedy,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51it was Greenwich Village, an arty guy with a beard sat on his own.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55"Woo, yeah, he's from London, I'm looking forward to this. All right!"
0:19:55 > 0:20:00I went on and went, "Good evening. You look like a paedophile," to the guy, and that was it.
0:20:00 > 0:20:06I didn't say hello, I didn't say my name, I just went straight for the beard paedophile joke straight away.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11And the whole room went, "Oh, my God, is that humour where you come from?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13"Monty Python?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15"Is that funny, to say somebody's a sex offender?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18"If that's i-rony, we don't need it, buddy."
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Imagine that in the UK! "Good evening. You look a bit paedophile."
0:20:22 > 0:20:26"He does look paedo! Chase him into the alley and kick his head in!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28"Give the kids back, you beardy wanker!"
0:20:32 > 0:20:35If I fell down those stairs now, right, broke my ankle,
0:20:35 > 0:20:41the series was cancelled and I was carried out having, like, a proper fit from pain,
0:20:41 > 0:20:45it would be minutes before one of you sadistic shits said, "I know it's wrong,
0:20:45 > 0:20:50"because he's crippled and he'll never perform again, but that is the funniest thing I've ever seen."
0:20:50 > 0:20:54APPLAUSE
0:21:21 > 0:21:25'I had forgotten that my flatmate Mark had put his violin
0:21:25 > 0:21:27'in my double bass case.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33'So when I opened it I wrongly assumed that
0:21:33 > 0:21:35'my double bass had shrunk.'
0:21:38 > 0:21:41'Even after I realised my mistake,
0:21:41 > 0:21:46'it still made for an incredibly awkward audition.'
0:21:54 > 0:21:56APPLAUSE
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Now, if you're not yet at satiation,
0:22:03 > 0:22:08head to bbc.co.uk/bbcthree for even more amazing stuff.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Talking of amazing stuff, he's stuff and he's amazing. It's wonderful!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14It's Nick Helm!
0:22:14 > 0:22:16APPLAUSE
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- Good evening! Are you all right? AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- Who here's single? SOME VOICES:- Whoo!
0:22:29 > 0:22:31- It's good, innit?- Yeah!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33RATHER DESPERATELY: It's good!
0:22:33 > 0:22:34HE GIGGLES
0:22:34 > 0:22:39I love being single! Fucking love being single.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Prowling the streets every night like a fucking hungry wolverine.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Not knowing where your next fucking meal's going to come from,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48I fucking love being single.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52HE GRUNTS
0:22:57 > 0:23:00All right...
0:23:00 > 0:23:04- What's your name?- Gemma. - HE BELLOWS: That's a nice name!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Gemma. Gemma.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Watch me for the changes, boys.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Look at me.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30# I remember just the other day, oh
0:23:30 > 0:23:35# How you took my heart and ran away, oh
0:23:37 > 0:23:41# Nothing's going to be the same
0:23:42 > 0:23:46# Isn't that a crying shame?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50# Take my mind off, read a book, no
0:23:52 > 0:23:56# Don't give you a second look, oh
0:23:56 > 0:24:00# But it's not that easy somehow
0:24:00 > 0:24:06# Want this all to leave me now
0:24:06 > 0:24:09# I'm coming to get you
0:24:09 > 0:24:13# There's nowhere to hide!
0:24:14 > 0:24:19# Get your face out of my head!
0:24:22 > 0:24:28# Come to me or go and bother someone else instead, oh
0:24:28 > 0:24:34# I want you back, want you back by my side
0:24:36 > 0:24:38# I'm coming to get you
0:24:38 > 0:24:42# There's nowhere to hide!
0:24:42 > 0:24:49# Ooh, ooh, ooh
0:24:49 > 0:24:53# Ooh
0:24:53 > 0:24:58# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
0:24:58 > 0:25:03# I want you back, want you back by my side
0:25:05 > 0:25:12# Coming to get you There's no place to hide. #
0:25:15 > 0:25:18BAND PLAY CODA
0:25:33 > 0:25:34Leave him.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45APPLAUSE
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Why is taking that guy so long? I'm ready for some shots.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Yeah, I really have no idea actually.
0:25:57 > 0:26:02- I got an idea. Gobble-gobble-gobble, splussssh! - HE GIGGLES
0:26:02 > 0:26:08'Hey, man. Wow. That guy was WEIRD. Erm, I've gone home so I'll see you tomorrow. Byeee.'
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Yeah, he's...
0:26:10 > 0:26:14- He's gone home. - He has gone home?- Yeah.- Why?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18- We were going for shots. I can't believe!- I'm sorry.
0:26:18 > 0:26:19HE SOBS
0:26:19 > 0:26:25Everybody who gets close to me ends up drifting away!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27And I know why.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32It is because...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34I am different.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Hey, come on.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41It's good to be different.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43You're shaking.
0:26:55 > 0:26:59Sorry... I think you got the wrong idea.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Am I bothered?
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Does my face look bothered?
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media