0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language and adult humour
0:00:06 > 0:00:11- End of series drinks!- You keep calling them "end of series drinks". - End of series orgy.
0:00:16 > 0:00:19- Who's going? - Erm...just us two at the moment.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31- Maybe don't call it "orgy". - Yeah, I'm not going to.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35- A real shame if people miss this! The line-up is fucking nuts.- Is it?
0:00:35 > 0:00:37- Who's DJ Surround Sound? - You're looking at him.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40"Stick 'em up. The building is surrounded...
0:00:40 > 0:00:44- "..by sound." - Special guest rapper, too.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47That drum and bass ain't going to MC over itself.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- So that's you, as well?- Yeah.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50What's your rapper name?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Well, my nickname at uni was "The Mole",
0:00:52 > 0:00:56because I'd spy for the dean, so my rap name is The Mole-ster.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Oh, yeah. MC Molester. - No, The Mole-ster.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- Fuck! Do you reckon they're all the same?- Probably.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08- I doubt we'll get through them all, anyway.- Well, suits me just fine.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12We're going to need them for the after party. Roach paper!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Hello!
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, humour junkies,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44to the dirty cellar that is Live At The Electric!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47CHEERING
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I am Russell Kane and I cover up the pockmarks of emptiness
0:01:50 > 0:01:53in my personality with wankerish hair and jeans
0:01:53 > 0:01:57that are tighter than a Scottish dad in a London pub.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59"I'm not payin' that! That's ridiculous!
0:01:59 > 0:02:03"Make the wall taller, Angus! Make the wall taller! Attack!
0:02:03 > 0:02:07"Attack, Angus! My cock's naked underneath."
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I don't... That implied that a cock is sometimes clothed.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16Anyone who is having individual clothes on their penis, seek help.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18"Look, I put a wee jacket on the fella!"
0:02:20 > 0:02:23These trousers, I don't wear them cos I carry them off. Look at me.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27I wear them because I'm so messed-up I'm castrating myself on purpose.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I'm disarming my own gonads with my skinnies.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32"He's so vulnerable. We'd better have sex with him, anyway." Ding!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Enough about my milky gay meets. What about this show, yeah?
0:02:37 > 0:02:38What the eff is this show?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Don't panic, it's not just another stand-up show. Much better, folks.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45It's me introducing some of the hottest new sketch
0:02:45 > 0:02:48and character comedy coming through right now. How exciting is that?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:51 > 0:02:52You're right to applaud,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55cos it's going to rock like a ho's crack pipe, yeah?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59We're coming at you like my nan's Nissan Micra on ice
0:02:59 > 0:03:01going through the Co-op window in 2008.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Dead now, so...
0:03:06 > 0:03:09It's going to be so good, we're going to hurt you over and over.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12We'll hurt you so bad, you'll be rocking back and forth. We're going to hurt you, honey bun.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15You might want to put some Sudocrem on that chaffin' we be causing.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18That's some crazy jive talk, right there. Hmm!
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Can I just apologise, cos that is what happens
0:03:23 > 0:03:28when you bottle up this much energy without a woman in your life. I'm no good at pulling.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33There's certain... I think because there's a disproportionate representation of men
0:03:33 > 0:03:35on TV at the moment that are good at pulling -
0:03:35 > 0:03:39your Russell Brands, Mark Wrights - that women just think that anyone,
0:03:39 > 0:03:43especially when they do what I do, must be great at pulling, but it's just not true.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Most men, 99.9% of us, never really learnt to pull.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48We weren't the silver-tongued cavaliers.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51We were at school and if a girl so much as looked at us,
0:03:51 > 0:03:55we went off like a party popper full of Elmlea. We were those guys,
0:03:55 > 0:03:56who didn't learn anything.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00It's a wonderful image, but quite gross in a way.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02Wonderfully constructed, but foul.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05I never really learnt the skill of pulling,
0:04:05 > 0:04:10and what I've learnt is that, really, there's no in-between
0:04:10 > 0:04:13stage with a woman, you know, the way there is with a man.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Men are constantly on a medium level of ready-to-shag,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19I would describe us.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22We're not ready to shag completely the whole time,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25but at a medium level. "It's breakfast time, I could have sex.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27"It's lunch time, I could have sex.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29"It's dinner time, I could have a shag.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32"It's in my sleep, I'm spunking in my sleep.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35"I've got food poisoning! I could still have a shag.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38"I've got depression, I could still have a shag.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41"Shag-shag-shaggedy-shag, could have a shag!" The whole time.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Just a medium level of ready-to-mate, whereas what
0:04:44 > 0:04:48I've discovered, most women don't really have an in-between gear.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50There's nothing, followed by the shag gasket
0:04:50 > 0:04:53blowing in the back of the head. Psskkk!
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Then a really unreasonable demand to have sex straight away.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00So, nothing, nothing, nothing, psskkk, fuck me!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04Fuck me-e-e-e! Psskkk.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08There, travelling up and down the country,
0:05:08 > 0:05:13there's quite different rules. Of course, the best women are where I'm from, the Essex females,
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Absolutely unbelievable. The females in the country most...
0:05:15 > 0:05:18They're not worried about taking the lead, at all.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22For those guys here lucky enough, to have had a girl try to pull them,
0:05:22 > 0:05:23it's surreal,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26because also, woman have not really learnt the art of pulling. They haven't needed to.
0:05:26 > 0:05:26And I'm not making this up, this was a genuine chat-up line from an Essex female.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30They haven't really had to work on their banter.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Tulisa - "Here's a tit, will that do?"
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I'm not making this up to be disgusting.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40This was a genuine chat-up line from an Essex female. Genuine.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43I went, "No, I can't, I don't want a drink. I'm up early."
0:05:43 > 0:05:46This was her actual banter. Gentlemen, this is the highest grade
0:05:46 > 0:05:49we can expect from a woman when her shag gasket has blown. It was this.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52"I want you to take me back to yours and fucking ruin me!"
0:05:52 > 0:05:56"Ruin". "Ruin".
0:05:56 > 0:05:57APPLAUSE
0:05:57 > 0:05:58"Ruin"?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Now, show your appreciation for WitTank.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Charlie... Charlie, is that you?
0:06:17 > 0:06:18Father.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22My boy... My dear son.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27- I don't think there's much time left.- Please don't say that.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31I fear these may be my final words.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Please don't go.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Charlie, I must tell you something.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Something important.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Yes. Yes, of course.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43It's for your mother...
0:06:44 > 0:06:47..to protect her.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48What is it, Father?
0:06:50 > 0:06:55Delete...my internet history.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Urgh.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03APPLAUSE
0:07:03 > 0:07:06LIVELY DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:07:08 > 0:07:09She is hot.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- I'm going over. - I can help. I'll be your wingman.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Oh, so unnecessary. Thanks, though.
0:07:21 > 0:07:26Hi. I don't normally do this. I was just watching you from over there.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30- My name's Dan and...- I know he seems a bit creepy at first, but he's really nice.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- Sensitive. He cries loads.- I don't.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- You cried last Tuesday. - My grandfather had died, so...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40No. Secret Millionaire, that was it.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42It was a very powerful episode.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Anyway, this is my friend Nat.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- So are you from in London or... - He's not a wimp, though.- I hope not.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51- He hit a woman at Christmas. - It so wasn't like that.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55- I was handing her a punch...- Oh, you did hand her a punch!- Shut up! - Not the face!
0:07:55 > 0:07:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Now, it gives me such great pleasure
0:08:03 > 0:08:05that I'm at the point of semi-turgidity,
0:08:05 > 0:08:09as we welcome to the stage, the wonderful, Two Episodes Of Mash!
0:08:09 > 0:08:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Hello.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Hello, how are you doing?- Hello.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- I'm Joe, this is Donna.- Diane.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Diane.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30This is the last show, eh, so we thought we'd...
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Oh, we're just going to do sketches, aren't we?
0:08:33 > 0:08:34Couldn't think of nothing else.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Had a bit of a brainstorm and...nothing.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45All right, darling, why Sabrina?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Well, it's the last episode. I thought we could celebrate.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54What?
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Well, when you type "celebrate" into Google,
0:08:58 > 0:09:01that's the first picture that comes up, for some reason.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03Can't argue with the internet.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07- Shall we do a sketch?- Yes.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17First one.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21HE COUGHS
0:09:23 > 0:09:24Don't.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Don't.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Seriously, don't.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Why did you... Why did you tell me Michael had died, when he hadn't?
0:09:45 > 0:09:47What... Don't, seriously!
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Why?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Why did you tell me Michael had died, when he hadn't?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Is it because I cry Vimto?
0:10:09 > 0:10:14APPLAUSE
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Just buy a can.
0:10:18 > 0:10:24APPLAUSE
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Wow, you've put in a lot of effort.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I've been here since last week's show.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32This is why you went for a cage theme?
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- No, I decided that before I found this place.- Happy coincidence.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38- Are you sure you need me?- Yes.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42- And to go with the cage theme I want you to have these.- Why?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Because you, my friend, are going to be playing...
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- EVIL VOICE:- The jailer.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- Let's see your best jailer impression.- Um...
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Ooh-urgh!
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Shut up in there!
0:10:54 > 0:10:57That's really good. Try with that.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00EVIL VOICE: Your execution's on Friday.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04If you're lucky, your neck'll break on impact.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08But either way there's no God.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Yeah?
0:11:14 > 0:11:16What's that?
0:11:16 > 0:11:21This, my friend, is the most powerful strobe on the market.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24They call it the detonator.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- Boom! - How much was that?
0:11:26 > 0:11:31- Got it for free down my local laser shop, kept setting people off. - What do you mean?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33What do you think I mean?
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Boom!
0:11:34 > 0:11:40HE CRIES IN AGONY
0:11:40 > 0:11:41What's this?
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- That's a sick bucket. - There's already sick in there.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I know, I am super nervous about people turning up.
0:11:50 > 0:11:56APPLAUSE
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Do you know mouth-to-mouth?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Because you take my breath away.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Probably for the best. Halitosis.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Oh, you've caught me staring at your legs.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12I'm sure I'm not the first and I daresay I won't be the last.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Unless he drags you into the woods and cuts them off.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I'm actually a bit of a singer-songwriter myself
0:12:20 > 0:12:22and you've certainly inspired me.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Yeah, he'll probably go home tonight and knock one out.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31APPLAUSE
0:12:31 > 0:12:37And now coming up for the second time, two episodes of Ma-a-a-a-d.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:43 > 0:12:45HE CLEARS THROAT
0:12:45 > 0:12:47There you go.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48What's this?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50My stool sample.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I don't want this, take it away.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I lost the little tub so I just popped it inside a Quaver packet.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I don't care. Take it away, I don't want this.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00There's only a couple of crisps in there, look.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Take it away, that's disgusting.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05No, I lost the tub, there's hardly any Quavers in there.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- That's horrible, I don't want this. - Well, I lost the tub.- It's not that.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11What is it, then?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- This is an upholsterer's. - It's a proper joke!
0:13:14 > 0:13:19APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:13:19 > 0:13:22We did it!
0:13:22 > 0:13:26We did it! Bring on some flowers.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27We did it!
0:13:27 > 0:13:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:13:40 > 0:13:44MUSIC: Star Spangled Banner
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Hello, Britain. This is Hari Kondabolu and I'm an American.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Today I will be analysing things you're doing wrong.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55Unlike the US, you have buildings that are over 500 years old.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57So, what do you do?
0:13:57 > 0:13:59You urinate on them.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Stop pissing on everything.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Do I need to house train a nation?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Hey, bad Brit, bad Brit.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Drinking tea is very healthy for you
0:14:07 > 0:14:11because it reduces the amount of fat absorbed by your stomach.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13But pouring milk into it reverses this.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Good work, Britain. What next?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Are you going to put sleeping pills into Red Bull?
0:14:19 > 0:14:24Actually, don't do this, because your dreams will be fucked up.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26You've invented so many sports
0:14:26 > 0:14:30so why are you so bad at all of them?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34Also, the bar for becoming a knight is way too low.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37Elton John is a knight, man. That dude never killed a dragon.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40You need to kill at least one dragon to be a knight.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Do not kill Duncan Bannatyne.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45So that was a few of your mistakes.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49I couldn't address all of them because we just don't have the time.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Hey, hey!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52I wanna go home.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59APPLAUSE
0:15:00 > 0:15:04SOFT MUSIC PLAYS IN RESTAURANT
0:15:04 > 0:15:07I did not ask you to be my wingman.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I do not want you to be my wingman!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Why d'you do this? You just ruined my night!
0:15:12 > 0:15:13You don't get it, do you?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20I'm in love with you.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Ah! Ha-ha-ha!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Agh! Your face!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Jigsaw, ladies and gentlemen - how good were they?!
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Now, applaud till your radial bones break through your forearms
0:15:41 > 0:15:43for the one, the only...
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Lady Garden!
0:15:46 > 0:15:49APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:15:52 > 0:15:54# Fashion, put it all on me
0:15:54 > 0:15:56# Don't you want to see these clothes on me?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59# Fashion, put it all on me
0:15:59 > 0:16:00# I am anyone you want me to be
0:16:00 > 0:16:02# Fashion... #
0:16:02 > 0:16:05'Scuse me, babes - where did you get those glasses from?
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- Primark, £5...? - They look very vintage?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Ugh! They're vintage Primark?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Free vintage my mum.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Mummy lost her virginity in this. I like my clothes
0:16:19 > 0:16:22to have a story behind them?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- To be meaningful?- Er, yeah, me, too.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27This is vintage '80s miners' strike?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Very vintage.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33You guys ever heard of someone called...
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Will-iam Shakespeare?!
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Very vintage!
0:16:39 > 0:16:41This is actually vintage -
0:16:41 > 0:16:44the Great Plague!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Darlings - this is
0:16:47 > 0:16:50to die for!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55LAUGHTER
0:16:55 > 0:16:57ALL: Very vintage!
0:16:59 > 0:17:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Lady Garden there!
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Now, give me a cheer if you're not from the United Kingdom.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11- WHOOPS - That's quite a lot of you - you're all foreign, aren't you?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH - ..comedian.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15LAUGHTER
0:17:15 > 0:17:17- HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH - ..comedian.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21There's people going, "Oh, my God, he's done an accent,
0:17:21 > 0:17:23"I hope it wasn't a person of colour, I can't be sure.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26"Cover me in copies of The Guardian and tell me when it's over."
0:17:26 > 0:17:28APPLAUSE
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Heckle him with a quail's egg! Heckle him!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34He's not left-wing enough!
0:17:34 > 0:17:37I think I detect Estuary vowels! Here's a tomato -
0:17:37 > 0:17:39that's sun blast, you pikey mo-fo, take it in the face!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Anywhere else? Yeah.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:- There's an Aussie in the front row!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48look, nestling! Little Aussie there right in the front row!
0:17:49 > 0:17:50That's why you have your badge on, don't ya?
0:17:50 > 0:17:54There's a weird mix of culture in Australia -
0:17:54 > 0:17:57the most laid-back people in the world,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59but they love rules at the same time!
0:17:59 > 0:18:02The opposite to the Brits - we're completely uptight,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05but then, "Sod the rules, piss on a bus stop, hooray!"
0:18:05 > 0:18:08LAUGHTER
0:18:08 > 0:18:10The Australians are the complete opposite, it's like, "Hey, mate
0:18:10 > 0:18:11"do whatever you want on the beach,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14"but you will lay at the correct angle at all times."
0:18:14 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It's important!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19APPLAUSE
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Love 'em, great country. Tera-noonga-nunga-ninga,
0:18:25 > 0:18:26is that we're you're from?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28How do you guys ever get home when you're drunk?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Think of the British people - go out tonight,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34whether in the north, the south, wherever you are, even in Scotland,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36it doesn't get that hard to say, apart from,
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Ecclefechan.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42If I go out, just get completely... If you must.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Don't get rat-arsed, but if you must get rat-arsed,
0:18:44 > 0:18:47at least you know you can get home. Fall into the taxi -
0:18:47 > 0:18:50"Get me back to Lu-ton.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51"Hull.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"Croy-donn.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56"Get me back to Glas-go,
0:18:56 > 0:18:58"Pais-ley, Car-diff,
0:18:58 > 0:18:59"Car-diff!"
0:18:59 > 0:19:02It's not as easy as that if you're in Australia.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04If you're British and you get drunk -
0:19:04 > 0:19:07"Get me back to Terabungananga...
0:19:07 > 0:19:10"I'm staying in Neranangani...
0:19:10 > 0:19:14"Just leave me in the desert, let the chooks eat my eyes, mate!"
0:19:14 > 0:19:16No, it's not easy.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18APPLAUSE
0:19:18 > 0:19:21It's time, ladies and gentlemen, to blow you out of your living rooms
0:19:21 > 0:19:24with the one, the only Joe Wilkinson!
0:19:24 > 0:19:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:34 > 0:19:37CLOCK TICKS
0:19:37 > 0:19:42KEYBOARD CLICKS
0:19:42 > 0:19:45PHONE RINGS
0:19:50 > 0:19:52PHOTOCOPIER WHIRS
0:19:52 > 0:19:54PHONE RINGS
0:19:58 > 0:20:02CLOCK TICKS
0:20:02 > 0:20:04KEYBOARD CLICKS
0:20:04 > 0:20:06PHONE RINGS, DOOR BUZZES
0:20:08 > 0:20:12OFFICE SOUNDS INCREASE IN VOLUME
0:20:16 > 0:20:18SOUNDS STOP
0:20:32 > 0:20:35The Patents Office is an embarrassing place
0:20:35 > 0:20:38to find out that someone's already thought of
0:20:38 > 0:20:41tinning apricots.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43LAUGHTER
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Unfortunately, the same goes for peaches, pineapples
0:20:47 > 0:20:49and kidney beans.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03HIGH-PITCHED WHINE: Fuck!
0:21:05 > 0:21:09APPLAUSE
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Now, if you're loving it this much,
0:21:11 > 0:21:15imagine how good it is at...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18..where exclusive content is waiting to spatter all over your face.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Talking of spattering over your face, it's time for music
0:21:21 > 0:21:24from the amazing, the unbelievable
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Nick Helm!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35WOLF-WHISTLE FROM AUDIENCE
0:21:35 > 0:21:36GIGGLING
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Fuck you.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41LAUGHTER Seriously, mate, fuck yourself.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:21:45 > 0:21:48And you're so fuckin' perfect.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I used to... I used to be a 34 fuckin' long.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Now I'm a 38 regular.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02Which means I'm not only getting fatter, I'm getting shorter.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04I mean, I don't...
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I mean, I don't even...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I don't even believe in myself any more.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11We believe in you, Nick.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13LAUGHTER
0:22:13 > 0:22:15What?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18We believe in you.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21We ALL believe in you, don't we, boys and girls?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Yes!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25What about you, at home?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Well, you don't have to believe in me.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34There's only one thing you need to believe in...
0:22:34 > 0:22:38GUITAR PLAYS OPENING RIFF
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Hwah! # There was a man It wasn't long ago
0:22:56 > 0:22:58# He didn't believe in himself
0:22:58 > 0:23:01# I asked him why He said he didn't know
0:23:01 > 0:23:03# Now he believes in himself
0:23:03 > 0:23:05# I knew a girl down the end of my road
0:23:05 > 0:23:08# Spent her whole life thinking she would explode
0:23:08 > 0:23:10# I asked her why She said she didn't know
0:23:10 > 0:23:12# Now she believes in herself
0:23:12 > 0:23:14# If you only believe in one thing
0:23:14 > 0:23:17# You gotta believe in yourself
0:23:17 > 0:23:19# If you only believe in one thing
0:23:19 > 0:23:22# You gotta believe in yourself
0:23:22 > 0:23:24# Call your dad Get him on the phone
0:23:24 > 0:23:27# I'm tired, I'm weak I'm scared, I'm alone
0:23:27 > 0:23:29# Said, pull up your socks Roll up your sleeves
0:23:29 > 0:23:32# You don't need no cure You've just gotta believe
0:23:32 > 0:23:34# If you only believe in one thing
0:23:34 > 0:23:36# You gotta believe in yourself
0:23:36 > 0:23:38# If you only believe in two things
0:23:38 > 0:23:40# Make sure one of the two is yourself
0:23:40 > 0:23:42# Do I really believe in myself?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45# I really believe in myself
0:23:45 > 0:23:47# Do you really believe in yourself?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50# I really believe in myself
0:23:50 > 0:23:53# Do you really believe in yourself...? #
0:23:53 > 0:23:55LAUGHTER
0:23:56 > 0:23:57Yeah!
0:23:57 > 0:24:00NERVOUS LAUGHTER
0:24:01 > 0:24:03That's not the correct response.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:07# Do you really believe in your...? #
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Fuck it! Are you working with me or against me?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:12 > 0:24:15We've got her fucking it up, half the audience
0:24:15 > 0:24:17didn't even bother fucking clapping!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19LAUGHTER
0:24:19 > 0:24:23This is harder than it looks!!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26One, two, three, four...
0:24:26 > 0:24:29# Do you really believe in yourself?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31# Do you really believe in yourself? #
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Why would I say the same thing twice?!
0:24:34 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER It is call-and-response!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I ask a question, you fuckin' answer it!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49One, two, three, four...
0:24:50 > 0:24:52# Do you really believe in yourself? #
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Yes.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Do not applaud someone getting it wrong!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07All right, prick...
0:25:09 > 0:25:11One, two, three, four...
0:25:11 > 0:25:14# Do you really believe in yourself?
0:25:14 > 0:25:16# I really believe in mysel...! #
0:25:16 > 0:25:18That's how you do it!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Little louder! # Really believe in yourself?
0:25:21 > 0:25:23# I really believe in mysel'...
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Like you mean it! # Really believe in yourself?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29- # I really believe in myself. - That's right!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31# Do you really believe in yourself?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- # I really believe in myself - Just the ladies!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36# Really believe in yourself?
0:25:36 > 0:25:38# Really believe in myself
0:25:38 > 0:25:41That's pathetic! # Really believe in yourself?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43# Really believe in myself
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Little louder! # Really believe in yourself?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48# Really believe in myself!
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Mmm.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Now the men! # Do you really believe in yourself?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56# Really believe in myself!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Everybody! # Do you really believe in yourself?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# Really believe in myself!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# Do you really believe in yourself?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05# Really believe in myself!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08Little louder! # Do you really believe in yourself?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- # Really believe in myself! - Little louder!
0:26:10 > 0:26:12# Really believe in yourself!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- # Really believe in myself! - Little louder!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17# Better believe in yourself!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19# Really believe in myself!
0:26:19 > 0:26:21# Do you really believe in yourself?
0:26:21 > 0:26:24# Really believe in myself!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26# Do you really believe in yourself? #
0:26:31 > 0:26:32APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Thanks for the fuckin' pyrotechnics...!
0:26:35 > 0:26:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Good work.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:16 > 0:27:23HIGH-TEMPO DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Here we go!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26# When I was young, it seemed...# MUSIC STOPS
0:27:26 > 0:27:27What the fuck?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Dude - it's 4am.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33I don't think anyone's coming, they're probably at that nightclub.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Maybe I should have made it nightclub-themed.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39It's still a great effort.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41We've had fun, right?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44To be honest,
0:27:44 > 0:27:46had a lot of fun this whole series.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49I know we haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but...
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Might as well use the smoke cannon.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Cool, well, let's just, er, go to the nightclub then.
0:27:58 > 0:27:59Shit.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03- You fucking idiot!- Hand me the keys. - They're made of plastic!
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Cheap, made-in-China bullshit.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11The cleaners don't come till 10.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Well, that's lucky. Cos I heard this place goes off until Monday.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Hey, word of advice -
0:28:17 > 0:28:19keep those leathers on.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21I vanna see you sveat!
0:28:21 > 0:28:24DANCE MUSIC STARTS UP # Stand up! #
0:28:24 > 0:28:30DANCE BEAT THUMPS