0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language
0:00:06 > 0:00:10- Are there any questions so far? - Yeah, are the fire exits located...
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Does anyone know the way to Buckingham Palace?
0:00:13 > 0:00:16- I want to meet the Queen. Excuse me, please.- What are you doing?
0:00:16 > 0:00:21Disculpeme. I am Fernando Paritso, the new Spanish exchange.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23- Go slow, please.- OK, I see.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26You haven't seen my colleague Tom anywhere, have you?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Knowing him, he's probably round the corner screwing a hot chick.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Right, well, if you see him, could you give him his piles cream.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35- He left it in the toilet.- Sure. Not that he needs it any more.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- Moving on. These are gobos. - El gobos!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40- Pulleys.- El police.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44- Me no smuggle drugs!- That's Diane and Joe.- What a strange bearded man.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- Fuck off.- (Don't worry, it's me.) - I know. Fuck off.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Now, remember, the audience will be able to hear you back here
0:00:51 > 0:00:55so keep quiet or, if you're going to say something, make sure it's funny!
0:00:56 > 0:01:00Ha-ha-ha, OK, yeah, joke's over.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04I'm not really a hilarious Spanish character, I am actually your boss.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08- Oh, my God. Your false nose is brilliant.- This is my real...
0:01:08 > 0:01:10THEY LAUGH
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- Tom, we all knew it was you.- Yeah?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Well, when I'm wearing a real disguise
0:01:14 > 0:01:16you won't even know I'm in the room.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Well, that's something to look forward to.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22Right, do you want to start the show, Tom? Tom?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Tom? Who is Tom?
0:01:43 > 0:01:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:50 > 0:01:55Hello, dearest comedy sucklers, this is Live At The Electric!
0:01:55 > 0:01:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:57 > 0:02:00Now, listen, if you get aroused at the thought of sketch
0:02:00 > 0:02:03and character mirth exfoliated from the British comedy scene
0:02:03 > 0:02:06then you've flicked the right bean of your remote.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Not only that, not just sketch and character, you get me, the fluffer.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14The jester sat outside the theatre brokenly bobbing
0:02:14 > 0:02:17and priming you for full comedy penetration.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20That's my job. "Go on then, love, you ready for your sketches now?
0:02:20 > 0:02:21"In you go."
0:02:21 > 0:02:24You know when I put myself down, don't panic. Some people are like,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26"You can't be negative, people won't trust you."
0:02:26 > 0:02:30You don't get it. It's easier to hate yourself, isn't it? It's very British.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33It's a sort of Twitter troll immunisation. Think of it like that.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36"I hate you, you spiky-haired twat, I wish you were dead!"
0:02:36 > 0:02:40"Yeah? Well, I hate myself more and I wish I'd never been born. I win!"
0:02:40 > 0:02:42# It's weird but it works! # Take that! Goth logic.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Now...
0:02:43 > 0:02:45APPLAUSE
0:02:50 > 0:02:53We learn pretty early on whether we're going to be dominant
0:02:53 > 0:02:56or dominated, yeah? Our siblings help us learn that.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Some of us are horrible little shits till we're up 11
0:02:59 > 0:03:02and we make up, for the rest of our lives, being the underdog,
0:03:02 > 0:03:04like me, because I wasn't the underdog between the age
0:03:04 > 0:03:06of nought and 11, cos I had a younger brother.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08Who, in the room, has got younger siblings? Give me a cheer.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:10 > 0:03:11Who are the younger siblings?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:13 > 0:03:17How much reedier and weak was that cheer?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19"No, please, don't punch my BCG!"
0:03:22 > 0:03:24How many of those people, at home, right now,
0:03:24 > 0:03:28who are the older siblings, feel weirdly guilty about some
0:03:28 > 0:03:31of the cruel and twisted shit you did to your younger brother?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34The things you devised. Do you know what I boiled it down to?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36When you get a bit older you can't do it
0:03:36 > 0:03:38because the little shits tell on you, don't they?
0:03:38 > 0:03:39"I'm going to tell Mum."
0:03:39 > 0:03:42In fact, why do we inflict that age gap, mums and dads of the land?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Three years, isn't it?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Most of you watching this will have a sibling approximately two
0:03:47 > 0:03:48to three years older than the younger.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51The worst possible age gap.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53What does that mean? I'll tell you what it means.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54It means they're just,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57just old enough to join in with all the shit you do.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00A small, crap version of you,
0:04:00 > 0:04:03devaluing everything you ever achieve. "I want to join in."
0:04:03 > 0:04:05"Join in with that!"
0:04:06 > 0:04:09You can't tell, especially if you've got a dad on the scene,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12that is the purpose of dads in a working-class neighbourhood anyway.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15A House of Lords, an unelected official who comes in at the end
0:04:15 > 0:04:19of the day and goes, "Anything to report?" to the second office.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22"Anything to report?" "Nothing, sire, nothing."
0:04:22 > 0:04:25"If anything, my halo is so bright it might offend thee."
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Look at those of you, "I didn't even have a dad." You lucky fuckers!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36I used to find clever ways to wind my brother up.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Blinking was my thing. I don't know if anyone else did this?
0:04:39 > 0:04:42I boiled it down to just going, "Ee-e, ee-e, ee-e." For hours.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45"Ee-e, ee-e, ee-e." "Stop blinking!" "Ee-e, ee-e, ee-e."
0:04:45 > 0:04:47You know, he'd wake up in the morning and I'd be over him,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50like that, with his Ready Brek, going, "Ee-e, ee-e, ee-e."
0:04:50 > 0:04:53There was nothing my mum could do. It was full diplomatic immunity.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55"Stop blinking."
0:04:55 > 0:04:57"Think about what you've just said, mofo."
0:05:00 > 0:05:04The only way you could do it was to get them to join in with games they weren't physically ready for.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Knowing they would be hurt as a consequence, yeah?
0:05:07 > 0:05:08"Let him join in."
0:05:08 > 0:05:12"No problem, let him join in. Let's play jump off the wall, jump off the wall!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15"We're going to play jump off the really high wall!"
0:05:15 > 0:05:16"Ahh!"
0:05:16 > 0:05:18"Oh, no..."
0:05:18 > 0:05:20"What are we playing today?"
0:05:20 > 0:05:22"Dance around the rusty spike until the music stops."
0:05:22 > 0:05:23"Ahh!"
0:05:23 > 0:05:26"Oh, no, you got hepatitis! Random!"
0:05:27 > 0:05:33Right, so, as we're here in this broken down British theatre,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35how about another broken down British institution?
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Ladies and gentlemen, here's The School!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Jones, are those the Headmaster's?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Yes, we've run out of polish.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Christ, Jones, you don't have to do everything he tells you to!
0:06:03 > 0:06:04I know!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Well, if it isn't James and the giant prick!
0:06:10 > 0:06:13You're the prick, Jones. Ah, I see you finished. Just in time.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17I've been out shit walking.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18- Morning, headmaster.- Fuck you.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Right, we need a new drama teacher.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I could always teach drama...
0:06:22 > 0:06:23What happened to Mrs Cooper?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27I showed her my nuts, she lost her complaint so I sacked her.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30I'm worried I might be losing my touch.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33- Well, we need to find a replacement immediately.- A replacement?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- Well, I could always...- Yes...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37It's just I can't think of anyone who'd want to do it.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Excuse me, I...- I suppose Jones is always free but he's just so useless.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44God, no, we can't use Jones. He can barely eat without fucking it up.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46You're right, I shouldn't have mentioned it.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49If there's one thing I know for sure is that Jones could never
0:06:49 > 0:06:52teach drama on account of being a totally useless...
0:06:52 > 0:06:53I CAN do it!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I am young and Father has left home.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Ahh!
0:07:05 > 0:07:06The wall approaches.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Ah!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Headmaster.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Follow. Help me! Don't search me!
0:07:12 > 0:07:13I'm teacher.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Children, hide.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Ha-ha-ha! Rebirth.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Inexplicably, I am a puffin.
0:07:18 > 0:07:19HE GIBBERS
0:07:19 > 0:07:21HE SQUAWKS
0:07:22 > 0:07:27I am loyal to Headmaster. And, in a show of his approval, he joins me.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I'm instantly erect. What?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I have butterflies in my stomach.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Also...a flump.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38He turns to me and says, "I've always loved you."
0:07:38 > 0:07:43He calls my name. "Jones, Jones, Jones..."
0:07:43 > 0:07:48- Jones!- Oh, headmaster... - Jones!- Oh, headmaster...
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- He thinks that's me, doesn't he? - I think so, sir.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55Still got it.
0:08:04 > 0:08:05Lovely(!)
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I never want to see that again.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Now, it's time for our resident flaneur, raconteur and bon viveur.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Ladies and gentlemen, it's Marcel Lucont.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:40 > 0:08:41Salut.
0:08:42 > 0:08:48I am Marcel Lucont, France's premier misanthropist...and lover.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Tonight, from me, some sex advice...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57..because you need it. You need it.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03In English, the way you talk of sex, so bizarre.
0:09:03 > 0:09:08How baffling is the term "blow job".
0:09:08 > 0:09:12It's a misnomer. Blow...job.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16It implies it is some kind of task.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Well, of course, we know it is an honour.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I say let's call it what it is -
0:09:28 > 0:09:30a suck treat.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40So...the education begins here.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47This, of course, we know the 69, the soixante-neuf,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50a classic sex position but...
0:09:51 > 0:09:53..so many more you are missing out on.
0:09:58 > 0:10:02In my opinion, every bit as classic.
0:10:02 > 0:10:08It's where the man simply lies there and the woman gets on with the job.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12APPLAUSE
0:10:17 > 0:10:21Here, a couple attempt a 69 while another tries to sleep.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28It's a classic from the student days.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35This is a man attempting to fuck an angry cobra.
0:10:40 > 0:10:41It's quite an advanced move.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48Now, with a king-size bed, so much more can be achieved.
0:10:48 > 0:10:53This couple have taken with them, to the boudoir, a stepladder.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Little bit of fun.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Oh...this shepherd is not guarding his flock!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08APPLAUSE
0:11:14 > 0:11:15I know what you are thinking.
0:11:15 > 0:11:20"Oh, Marcel, with this it could be a bishop maybe..."
0:11:22 > 0:11:23It's not.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27It's not a bishop.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29THIS is the bishop.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:11:32 > 0:11:33"Oh!"
0:11:33 > 0:11:37APPLAUSE Don't shoot the messenger.
0:11:38 > 0:11:43And, finally, why not bury some treasure beneath the bed?
0:11:43 > 0:11:47True reward for a job well done.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:59 > 0:12:01How brilliant is Marcel?
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Now, Barry Norman, Jonathan Ross and Claudia Winkleman -
0:12:06 > 0:12:10it's time to move you over because this is Film Fizz!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Hello and welcome to Film Fizz.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27- Ryan Kessington, hello.- Hi, Chris.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- And Alison Stephens. Hi.- Yes.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36So, four hit films, five years and millions of fans worldwide,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39you must be devastated that these films are finally coming to an end?
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Hm, let me think about it.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Er, underage girls screaming at me, 17 months filming in Bolivia.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Let me just run that through a computer.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Oh, it's come up saying, "Happiness not found."
0:12:51 > 0:12:54So, Alison, how are you feeling now it's finally over?
0:12:54 > 0:12:57There's this one time we were on set and...
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I had a cheese sandwich and it had cheese in it,
0:13:00 > 0:13:04and I ate the cheese but I didn't like the bread.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Will you stop telling that story? Jesus Christ!
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I'm not going to miss working with THAT.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14So, you didn't enjoy the role at all?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Hm, well, there was that one time on set when I got my bollocks trapped in a harness
0:13:17 > 0:13:20and, for one brief, beautiful moment,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22the pain made me forget where I was.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I put the bread in my pocket and I ate the cheese.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31OMG, seriously?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Hollywood Reporter have just been told that LR Sophie
0:13:34 > 0:13:37has finished writing a new Vampire Boyfriend trilogy.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Ha-ha-ha! Oh, God, that would be awful.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Oh, God, just imagine, after everything I just said!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46PHONE RINGING
0:13:46 > 0:13:47It's my agent.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Yeah, Tia, hi. I just heard.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Right, how much are they offering?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Sure, yeah, I'll do it.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Film Fizz exclusive.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Ryan Kessington is going to be in the new Vampire Boyfriend trilogy.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Exclusive.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- Well, guys, I wish you all the best of luck.- Argh!
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Yeah.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Yeah, I really can't wait
0:14:14 > 0:14:16to put those jagged vampire contact lenses back in.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19My sandwich.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Sorry to bother you! Except I'm not.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52My name is DCI Sweener.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- Is your name Tom? - Erm, well, there is another Tom.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Tall geezer with very blue eyes and a normal sized nose?
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- I'll speak to him later. - Right, well, good luck finding him.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08He's a master of disguise.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Now, I don't want to intimidate you...
0:15:11 > 0:15:12except I do.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- Sorry, what's all this about, Detective Wiener?- Sweener!
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Now, you're in a lot of trouble...
0:15:17 > 0:15:19except you ain't.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Well, am I or aren't I?
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Yes, you are but it'll all go away
0:15:24 > 0:15:28if you sign this here police form what everybody signs.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Well, I have to speak to my lawyer, obviously.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32And I'd better just check the small print.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Oh, yeah, I'm not going to sign this.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Tom, I can see through your disguise.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Yeah? Well, good luck seeing through this.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Is that supposed to be a smoke bomb?
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Tom?
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Tom, I can see you.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57CHEERING
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Right, it's better than one episode of M*A*S*H
0:16:00 > 0:16:02but not quite as sickening as three.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Ladies and gentlemen, it's Two Episodes of Mash!
0:16:06 > 0:16:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Hello.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- ALL:- Hello!
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- I'm Joe, this is Diane.- Hello.- Er...
0:16:30 > 0:16:34..we're back for the second series thanks to a clerical error!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:41 > 0:16:44And we've got a green screen.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:46 > 0:16:48On this we can...
0:16:48 > 0:16:52we can project...anything.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56What shall we project up there?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I don't know. I haven't really thought about it.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Nor have I.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07(Shit, what are we going to do?)
0:17:11 > 0:17:14We've got to put something up.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Otherwise we're going to look really shit.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21What if we put corn on the cob up there?
0:17:23 > 0:17:27- Why? Why?- Well, we both like corn on the cob.- That's a really good idea.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Can we put corn on the cob up?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I don't really like the look of that one. Can we change it?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Not that one.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41No. No.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43No.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45No. No.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47No. No.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49No. No.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50No...
0:17:51 > 0:17:53No. No.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56No. No.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57No. No.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00No.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01No. Oh, yeah, I like that one!
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Yeah, can we keep that one?
0:18:05 > 0:18:07Let's do the sketch.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10Just had a... Actually, just had a thought. Can we...?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Can we take that off? It's distracting.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- Diane?- Yes?
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Fancy a game of Guess Who?
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Yeah, all right.
0:18:44 > 0:18:45The board looks different.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Yeah, I've changed it to faces
0:18:48 > 0:18:51we know of people who are in the middle of a custody battle.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- Why?- To make it more interesting. Do you want to go first?
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Yeah, all right.
0:18:57 > 0:19:02Erm, does he have limited weekend access to the kids
0:19:02 > 0:19:05but still has to pay for the upkeep of the family home?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Yes.- Is it Mark?- Yes.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09APPLAUSE
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- They all look a bit disappointed. - Oh, yes.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Actually, we...we can't end like that. I can't...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Could we...?
0:19:25 > 0:19:30As a finale, could we, can you put a crossbow up?
0:19:30 > 0:19:31And then spin it?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36There's your big finish. Come on.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Now, a while back, I imagined what it would be like
0:19:51 > 0:19:55if everyone in Essex could only speak in Shakespearean verse
0:19:55 > 0:19:56and then I thought,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58"Where's my camera crew? That could be quite compelling."
0:19:58 > 0:20:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Kiss me, Daveutio.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Kiss me deeper than a Tweet by the Dalai Lama.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22Ooh-hoo-hoo, aye, my love, and then what?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Then rod me, dear Daveutio.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Destroy me like an African currency.
0:20:28 > 0:20:35- Go at me so thy legs do quiver in randy irritation of an Elvis.- Yes?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38But I was thinking, on this, our weekly shag night,
0:20:38 > 0:20:42we might other avenues explore? Hm?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Avenue?
0:20:44 > 0:20:48The motorway of my lust is ablaze with cat's eyes.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53Do not leave my engine purring upon the hard shoulder of thy love.
0:20:53 > 0:20:59Oh, well, well, but mean I perhaps another lane?
0:20:59 > 0:21:01To be a-laying with me should be enough.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Aye, aye, lay we will
0:21:03 > 0:21:06but see how love's drive might another passage take.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10If our sex doth move along the speedy road,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13then what of its dual carriageway?
0:21:13 > 0:21:15The TomTom of thy lust be diverted,
0:21:15 > 0:21:20thus travelling from the country into the south.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Oh, most vile Michael Jackson sleepover.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Thou meanest botty sex.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Nay, nay, nay. Put so, it sounds so wrong!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Yes.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Get out our love chamber!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35For thou hast presumed upon another chamber
0:21:35 > 0:21:37whose doors are firmly locked.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39I'll do it slowly.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Take a Mr Muscle wipe to thy mind
0:21:42 > 0:21:46for it has been smeared with the dark wrongness of bum love.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Burger me, I am unkinged.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54The whopper of my love rejected so that no meat remains.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58Goodbye then...Love.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Hand job?- Yeah, all right.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:12 > 0:22:14See you in Hollywood, bitches!
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Now, to keep my energy up
0:22:15 > 0:22:18there's nothing I like more than a curry
0:22:18 > 0:22:20and I've brought enough for everyone tonight.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22It's Paul Currie!
0:22:22 > 0:22:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Ahem.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40# Doo-doo doo-doo. #
0:22:42 > 0:22:45MUSIC: "Cavatina" by Stanley Myers
0:24:22 > 0:24:24GUN CLICKING
0:24:31 > 0:24:33GUN CLICKING
0:24:41 > 0:24:44GUN CLICKING
0:24:57 > 0:24:59HE SOBS
0:26:14 > 0:26:16GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:26:16 > 0:26:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Right, who's coming on? Right, yeah.
0:26:30 > 0:26:35Wow...do not take any drugs and watch what just happened.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38I'll continue flicking your clips
0:26:38 > 0:26:40long after the show has finished at...
0:26:43 > 0:26:47That's it from me and my little lightning rods - goodbye!
0:26:47 > 0:26:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Hi. Are you OK?
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Yeah, no, I'm fine but...
0:27:08 > 0:27:10- Are you lost?- Yeah, completely.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- It's, like, a maze in here.- I know.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15I always carry my survival kit, in case I get lost!
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Erm...
0:27:18 > 0:27:21sometimes getting lost can be fun.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23If you're with the right person.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Oh, I'm sorry, that was...
0:27:28 > 0:27:31No, er, no, no. It's fine.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35- I can sign for this.- Yeah, thanks.
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Nice signature.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Nice hands.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Nice lips.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Wow.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17- TOM'S VOICE:- You huge newbie!
0:28:17 > 0:28:18What?
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Ha-ha-ha! I wish you could see your face!
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- How did you...?- I can't believe you fell for that.
0:28:32 > 0:28:33Wait, why did you kiss me?
0:28:33 > 0:28:35See you on Monday, newbie.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Or should I say "Buttface"?
0:29:08 > 0:29:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd