0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- Internet's down again.- Oh, no! Now I can't watch farmyard porn.
0:00:07 > 0:00:11- Yeah, it's really bad. It's frozen on a woman having sex with a pig. - Really?
0:00:13 > 0:00:14Very funny.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Joke's on you cos I've actually seen 90% of the piggy porn out
0:00:17 > 0:00:19- there already.- Gross. Have you called the IT guy?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21I have called the nerd hotline, yes.
0:00:21 > 0:00:26- One very spotty dork coming right up. That's why I brought my towel?- Why?
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Because as a jock, it is my duty to ass whip him!
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Oh, speak of the nerd and he shall appear. I thought I could smell skid marks.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36- All right, guys? Hear you got a problem with...- Urgh!
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Nipple gripple! Dorkazoid!
0:00:39 > 0:00:42- Hey, man. I'm Tom.- Hey. Mike. What's the problem?
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- I just dragged this file into network settings.- You did what?! Holy shit!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49We've got about ten seconds. This whole place is going to blow.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- Nah, you're all right. I'll fix it. - Cool.- Ha-ha-ha! Why were you late?
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- Did someone wedgie you? - I didn't think I was late.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59- What's your name again?- Mike.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04- Mike... Your parents didn't give you a chance, did they? - LAUGHS
0:01:04 > 0:01:09- Classic dork. Glasses. - I'm not wearing any.- Spots.- Shorts?!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- And shorts! - You're wearing shorts.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16These aren't shorts. They're three-quarter lengths.
0:01:16 > 0:01:21Basically trousers, except...you don't look stupid wearing Crocs.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Good evening, milkers at the teats of comedy,
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- this is Live At The Electric! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Yup. Yes.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I am bursting with inapprops excitement this week.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04My gang of sketch and character comedians are booted up and ready to go.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08We weren't popular at school, but at least now we've found our niche. Niche.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I still can't believe I'm hosting this cracking show.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15I remember when I was a kid, my dad used to say,
0:02:15 > 0:02:19"It's tough now, son, but don't worry, it only gets better."
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Did he eff say that?! "Life will always be tough!
0:02:22 > 0:02:25"It gets harder, if you don't die of something 'orrible!"
0:02:25 > 0:02:29My dad, he was a proper Essex geezer. Have we got any Essex people in the room?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31CHEERS
0:02:31 > 0:02:36One of my best friends as well, Eve, is from Essex. You know when someone's so Essex,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39it's almost like they've got a disability from it?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42"I'm so Essex, I can't move from it, Russ."
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Everything she says is crippled in her vocal chords. Massive. Massive amounts of vowels.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49"Do you want to go for a sambuca-a-a-ah?"
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Pronounce everything that can be pronounced wrong is
0:02:51 > 0:02:55pronounced wrong. It was amazing. Her boyfriend's called Mickey.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58By the way, I'm not making these up. That would make me a good writer.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03These are things that actually happened to me. "Mickey bought me some of that underwear.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08"It's right sexy." What did she say next? "It was that agent prov-oh-cay-tah."
0:03:11 > 0:03:15When she was trying to woo Mickey, that was my favourite one. "Mickey, the guy who owns the car
0:03:15 > 0:03:19"garage across the road. I sent him a pair of knickers in the post to try and entice him.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22"I downsized a bit, sent 14s, didn't want him to think I was fat."
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Genuine quote.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30I'm from Essex. The more regional you get in Essex, the more the regional rule applies.
0:03:30 > 0:03:35I've recently started dating a girl from the north. That's right. Northern girls.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- < Yes! - Look at a man cheering! "Yes!"
0:03:38 > 0:03:43"Mate with our females! They're right high quality, those!"
0:03:43 > 0:03:45"Our Sharon's got a lovely vulva!"
0:03:48 > 0:03:51No, I've been... I'm seeing a girl from Manchester.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54That's how they have sex in Manchester. "Yeo-oh, don't stop.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59"Yeo-oh, don't stop. Hacienda!"
0:03:59 > 0:04:03It's going really well. I've been really impressed with girls from the north.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06They're stereotypes that I thought were stereotypes, but they're true.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10I love the strength of northern women. I'm the type of guy that can walk out of a shop cos
0:04:10 > 0:04:14I didn't get the assistant's attention. I didn't pay, I ran out, I couldn't get his attention.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17"It's all right, babe. I'll go in. I'll sort it out. You stay in the car."
0:04:17 > 0:04:21The type of girl that's going to just go, "Don't worry. I'll break his fucking collar bone for you.
0:04:21 > 0:04:27"You bastard!" Those women. And also, really grateful for affection.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Down south where I'm from, in Essex, it's considered needy
0:04:30 > 0:04:32if you just stare at a girl the whole time you're out.
0:04:32 > 0:04:38"I don't want to take my eyes off you. "I'm going to wait outside the toilet while you're in there."
0:04:38 > 0:04:41But up north, "It's so nice the way you gave me attention all night.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43"It wasn't like stalking for me and I'm from Manchester.
0:04:43 > 0:04:47"We'd never do that." This is a genuine quote, by the way.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51Please tell me, ladies from the north, that this girl is winding me up. It cannot be true.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I worry for you gentlemen from the north, if this is true.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59"It was so nice the way you held me after we did what we did last night.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05"A man from Manchester would never do that. It's very rare." Oh, my God! That cannot be true.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08That's just standard where I'm from. "Oh, we had a sexual experience.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12"Let's hold each other and watch Twilight. I love you.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15"Let's straighten each other's hair while we cry about our orgasms.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18"Uh-huh-huh-huh."
0:05:18 > 0:05:22What the hell is going on up north, gentlemen?!
0:05:22 > 0:05:25"I've ejaculated, I'll be in the shed."
0:05:27 > 0:05:30APPLAUSE
0:05:30 > 0:05:35Right, let's shake the soft drinks can of entertainment because here is Film Fizz.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Hi, and welcome back to Film Fizz.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54OK, Liam will only be answering questions about Lethal Assignment 4
0:05:54 > 0:05:59and do not, I repeat, do not ask him about any of the rumours.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Absolutely. Wasn't going to. What rumours?
0:06:03 > 0:06:07So, Liam Watson, what a pleasure to meet you. How are you doing?
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Super, thank you. It's a pleasure to be in Britain.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14I tried fish and chips for the first time. I never want to leave.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17So, when you were filming Lethal Assignment 4,
0:06:17 > 0:06:21you had to spend a lot of time away from home. Did you get homesick?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28- What does he mean by that? - He's asking you if you got homesick.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- As in "gay"? - No, as in you miss your home.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37No, I didn't.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40I'm always travelling on the road and like I say,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42home is where the heart is.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47So, in the movie, you do all of your own stunts.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51OK, this interview is over!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54- "Doing your own stunts" is gay slang for fisting.- No, it's not.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57How does he know I'm gay? Who showed him this photo?
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- Ask him if he's seen it. - Have you ever seen this photo?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- Well, I have now.- What does me mean by that? Why did he say that?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07All right, just stick to questions about the movie, please.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13So, Liam, what was your inspiration
0:07:13 > 0:07:19for the char...film character in the movie...in the film?
0:07:19 > 0:07:27My boyfriend. By which I mean...my wife. It's a pet name for my wife.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29OK.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Nailed it.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:36 > 0:07:39How good was that?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45Now, an act so influential to me, I've removed my Prince Albert
0:07:45 > 0:07:48and replaced it with a King Edward. That's right.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50It's Two Episodes Of Mash.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- Good evening. I'm Joe. This is Diane.- Hello.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Oh!
0:08:08 > 0:08:12- Tonight, we're going to do something magical.- Can I take it off.- No.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15Turn it on.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20We're going to make history because this here that Di's wearing,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22my Aunty Pam made.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Basically, using this equipment, Diane can control what
0:08:25 > 0:08:31pictures come up on the green screen, just using her mind.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37So, go on then. Put...think something and put it on the background.
0:08:40 > 0:08:45- Is that an Eccles cake? - Yeah, I really fancy an Eccles cake.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57Can't have an Eccles cake. Think of something else.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Don't make it bigger, you prick!
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- Think of something else.- I'm trying, but I really fancy an Eccles cake!
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- Got the taste for one. - Think of something else, you dick.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- I'm thinking about punching you. - Yeah, I gathered that.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Right, think of an Eccles cake then.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Let's do the first sketch.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Thank you.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18HE WHISTLES TO HIMSELF
0:10:20 > 0:10:21Hiya.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Hi, love. You all right?
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33SHE SOBS
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- Everything all right? - Yeah, yeah, everything's fine!
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- Well, clearly there's something wrong.- Nothing's wrong!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45What's wrong? Just... What's wrong?
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Just tell me. What's wrong?
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- If I tell you, do you promise not to get angry?- I don't know, do I?
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- I don't know what's happened. - Promise?- Just tell me!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00I crashed the car!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05APPLAUSE
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Not again.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Two Episodes Of MASH. Give it up.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Wittank now, guys who are so sketch,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32they can only be pictured in soft pencil.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Make some noise for The School!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Jones, you know it's the French listening exam today?
0:11:53 > 0:11:55France isn't real!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Is it?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Well, if it isn't Anthony and Cleotwatra.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- Morning, headmaster. - Shut up and listen.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08One of the exams has gone out of control. There's French everywhere.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- What do you mean?- I mean...
0:12:11 > 0:12:14MUSIC: "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien" by Edith Piaf
0:12:14 > 0:12:16It's spreading.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Don't be so silly.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22HE SHRIEKS
0:12:22 > 0:12:24- Do something!- I'll call the police.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- What the hell's going on? - OK, everybody just stay calm.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Qu'est-ce que c'est?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34He's infected!
0:12:34 > 0:12:35HE YELLS
0:12:40 > 0:12:43THUNDEROUS CRASH
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Bonjour.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Oh, God, it stinks! Let's get out of here.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Not you as well! Get away from me!
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Both of you, get away from me!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03No! No!
0:13:03 > 0:13:05MUSIC SWELLS
0:13:11 > 0:13:12Merci.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22ACCORDION PLAYS THE CAN-CAN
0:13:24 > 0:13:27DISTORTED MUSIC
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Haw-haw-haw!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35No-o-o-on!
0:13:38 > 0:13:40End of examination.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- Thank God it's over.- Yes.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48But I'm worried it's history next.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51What? No, it isn't. I'm just going to a...
0:13:52 > 0:13:54..a meeting.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:59 > 0:14:01That was Wittank.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05Now, let's extend our hand of friendship up the M1,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08divert it on the A1 due to a lorry fire
0:14:08 > 0:14:11and make some noise for Lucy Beaumont!
0:14:12 > 0:14:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Hello. I'm Lucy.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Some people have described me as quite odd,
0:14:22 > 0:14:25but I always say I'm not odd, I'm from Hull.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29People pick on the way we speak, you know.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31I've never been insecure about it before
0:14:31 > 0:14:34but I was talking to this man in the street in London
0:14:34 > 0:14:39and he was like, "Whoa, where's your accent from? It's mental!" Like that.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42And I went, "From the East Coast."
0:14:42 > 0:14:44And he went, "Say East Coast again."
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I went, "East Coast,"
0:14:46 > 0:14:48and he went, "Aw, bless you."
0:14:50 > 0:14:52And he had no legs.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58But they do say that people are friendlier in the North, don't they?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I mean, I think we are, in Hull.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02But I wouldn't go clubbing in Hull.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06The last time I went clubbing in Hull was for a school reunion
0:15:06 > 0:15:08and we ended up in this real dodgy bar,
0:15:08 > 0:15:11and there was a woman on the table with her top off
0:15:11 > 0:15:13and all these men, like, stood leering around her
0:15:13 > 0:15:17and me friend went, "Don't look, Lucy." Like that.
0:15:17 > 0:15:18And I went, "Why?"
0:15:18 > 0:15:20And she went, "It's your mam."
0:15:22 > 0:15:25I know. But my mum does worry about me, though.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29You know, walking around on a night, and she said if I'm ever on me own
0:15:29 > 0:15:32and I think there's someone following me,
0:15:32 > 0:15:37all I have to do is just bend down and pretend to be a chicken.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Like that. I know. And there was this time I was on me own
0:15:40 > 0:15:43and there was this man behind me
0:15:43 > 0:15:45and I went to bend down and I thought,
0:15:45 > 0:15:49"I'd just rather him attack me. It'd be less embarrassing."
0:15:49 > 0:15:52But, like, we all make mistakes, don't we?
0:15:52 > 0:15:57I know this hairdresser in Hull. She's made a big mistake, actually.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00She was cutting this man's hair recently, like this,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03and when she finished, she held up a mirror
0:16:03 > 0:16:07and she went, "What do you think?" And when she looked down,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10his hand was moving up and down underneath his gown.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13I know. She hit him over the head with the mirror
0:16:13 > 0:16:16and she went, "What do you think you're doing, you dirty bugger?"
0:16:16 > 0:16:20He went, "I'm cleaning my glasses so I can have a look."
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Thank you.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:26 > 0:16:28The lovely Lucy Beaumont!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30CHEERING
0:16:32 > 0:16:35So I'm hiding in the cupboard and her dad walks in.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Shit, man, you must have been bricking yourself.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40No, I was quite chilled out cos I'd been on that weed, remember?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Oh, yeah. Awesome.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- (HIGH-PITCHED):- Ha-ha!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Nelson from The Simpsons.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50I do a good Bart, as well, but then my balls dropped.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Bart's actually played by a woman.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Cool fact. Do you want to see a magic trick?
0:16:55 > 0:16:59"Do you want to see a magic trick?" Yeah, go on. This should be good.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04- Right, imagine there's a salt shaker there.- OK.- Pick it up.- OK.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Now shake the salt into your mouth.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Abracadabra, you're sucking a dick. - A man's dick.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Obviously it's a man's dick.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14By the way, I think you meant to put this on my back. Here, you hold it.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I'll turn around for you.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19What? It's what the sign said.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- I should do that more often. - What, kick him?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Should do more than that, mate.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Don't let a freak like that walk all over you.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30- I've stabbed a man for less. - LAUGHS: Yeah!
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Seriously.
0:17:31 > 0:17:36If he'd have kicked me, or you for that matter, I'd have stabbed him.
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Why? Do you carry a machete?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Machetes are for pussies.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46I like to get close.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Now, people often say that despite my Essex roots,
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I speak in a mellifluous lyrical lilt,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00as if I was scripted by the Bard, Shakespeare himself.
0:18:00 > 0:18:04But I say no, because that would sound like this.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Oh, pluck out my pussy-loving eyes.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24The cat is dead.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Oh, Tiddles!
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Oh, speak not the furry bastard's name. Tiddles.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35And to be thus run from life by a Nissan Micra Verve,
0:18:35 > 0:18:39a car of city convenience that doth inconvenience our hearts.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Five gears shifting the acceleration of my grief
0:18:42 > 0:18:46so that tears, like brake fluid, do spill over the chassis of my cheeks.
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Goodbye, fair Tiddles.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52For much like one of your ferocious morning curl-offs,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54you are dug and buried.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59No strokes, no purrs, no hugs in bed.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03For life's dry of pussy now Tiddles is dead.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Pussy!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Pussy!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:17 > 0:19:20OK, he's been a hit with all the ladies backstage,
0:19:20 > 0:19:23or at least he's been hit by a few of them.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Please welcome Marcel Lucont!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Mesdames, messieurs,
0:19:42 > 0:19:48a brief extract now from my next book,
0:19:48 > 0:19:52a manual for the sex addict...
0:19:55 > 0:19:58..entitled Thinking Outside The Box.
0:20:04 > 0:20:11I present to you 50 actual ways to leave your lover.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Walk.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Run.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Swim.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Location dependent.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Bicycle.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37Motor bicycle.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40Tricycle.
0:20:42 > 0:20:43Unicycle.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Segway.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Tractor.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Tank.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Telephone.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Telegram.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Television. If she is worth it.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Telepathy.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Telemarketer. If she is not worth it.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Mail.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17E-mail.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20She-mail.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Exotic.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And for the more advanced,
0:21:30 > 0:21:35plant seeds in her garden, or a nearby hillside,
0:21:35 > 0:21:38arranged in such a way that when they bloom,
0:21:38 > 0:21:43they form a perfect picture of you fucking her best friend.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Sign up together to run a marathon.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Five minutes in, tell to her your ankle is hurt,
0:22:02 > 0:22:04but you will catch her up.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Then run back to the start
0:22:11 > 0:22:16and use the following five hours to get home, pack all of your bags...
0:22:22 > 0:22:25..and catch the flight to Mexico,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29using the sponsorship money you have raised.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:57COUGHING AND RATTLING
0:22:57 > 0:22:58What was that?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01We've got a live one! We've got a live one!
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Sometimes we get a live one, which we have to deal with.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Right. Shouldn't we have tried to resuscitate him or something?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- Yeah, then we don't get paid.- Oh.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36This one's going to need a closed coffin
0:23:36 > 0:23:39because it's been shot in the face so many times.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43APPLAUSE
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Now please welcome a lady who mixes sexy and miserable so well
0:23:52 > 0:23:56that if misexerable was a word, she'd be that.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Hang on, I've just been told misexerable IS a word.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02It means a flaky rash on the scrotum brought on by vitamin D deficiency.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Sorry. What she is is absolutely bloody brilliant.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Make some noise for Loretta Maine!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Hello.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Thank you. I'm just going to do a quick soundtrack.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22# I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding! #
0:24:22 > 0:24:27Can you hear that? Is that OK? Is that loud enough? Great. OK, um...
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I'm here to sing some songs. Um...
0:24:29 > 0:24:33My songs are off my new album I'm Not Drunk, I Just Need To Talk To You.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37The, uh...
0:24:37 > 0:24:40The song that I'm going to sing for you now,
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I actually wrote for my new boyfriend.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46He was supposed to be here tonight, but his wife went into labour, so...
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Selfish!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56# Sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down
0:24:56 > 0:25:01# Sometimes it goes the other way round
0:25:01 > 0:25:04# Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad
0:25:04 > 0:25:08# Sometimes it feels like I'm going mad
0:25:08 > 0:25:10# Stop looking at me
0:25:10 > 0:25:12# But keep looking at me
0:25:12 > 0:25:13# But stop looking at me
0:25:13 > 0:25:15# But come closer
0:25:15 > 0:25:19# Stop looking at me but keep looking at me
0:25:19 > 0:25:22# Sometimes I feel bipolar
0:25:25 > 0:25:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:30 > 0:25:35# I'm 29, not going far
0:25:35 > 0:25:39# No tax to dodge like Jimmy Carr
0:25:39 > 0:25:43# A record deal, no boyfriend too
0:25:43 > 0:25:45# Sometimes it feels like life is shitting on you
0:25:45 > 0:25:47# Stop shitting on me
0:25:47 > 0:25:49# But keep shitting on me
0:25:49 > 0:25:51# But stop shitting on me
0:25:51 > 0:25:53# But come closer
0:25:53 > 0:25:56# Stop shitting on me but keep shitting on me
0:25:56 > 0:26:00# Sometimes I feel bipolar. #
0:26:01 > 0:26:06Some people don't think this is a great introductory song.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09But to those people I say FUCK YOU!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11The same people don't believe that I'm bipolar.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Well, yes, actually, I am bipolar.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17I was bipolar back when it was called manic depression.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20Of course I'm bipolar. All the best people are bipolar.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24The magazines have told us that.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27# Stephen Fry, he is bipolar
0:26:27 > 0:26:31# Catherine Zeta Jones, she is bipolar
0:26:31 > 0:26:36# Kurt Cobain is...was bipolar
0:26:36 > 0:26:39# Mel Gibson is probably bipolar
0:26:39 > 0:26:43# Amy Whitehouse was bipolar
0:26:43 > 0:26:46# Katie Melua wishes she was bipolar
0:26:46 > 0:26:50# Kerry Katona - shock horror - is bipolar
0:26:50 > 0:26:55# Sinead O'Connor is a nun!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# Stop looking at me, but keep looking at me
0:26:57 > 0:27:02# Sometimes I feel bipolar
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# (SOFTLY) Sometimes I feel bipolar
0:27:05 > 0:27:10# Sometimes I feel bipolar! #
0:27:10 > 0:27:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Loretta Maine! Fantastic.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26If we left you wanting more after the show,
0:27:26 > 0:27:30part the folds of the internet and flick our clips at...
0:27:34 > 0:27:35Me and the electrolytes
0:27:35 > 0:27:37bid you farewell. Goodbye!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:45 > 0:27:48Everyone is literally bricking their pants except for yours truly.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Why, cos you'd had more weed?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- Well, skunk.- Right.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Hey, man. I, uh...
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I just wanted to say sorry for the whole calling-you-a-dork thing.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00You must have got enough of that at school from jocks like me.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03It's him you should be apologising to. He has to work with you.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Yeah, you're right.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Anyway, see you later.
0:28:09 > 0:28:10Look, man, you got my number, yeah?
0:28:10 > 0:28:13I've got hydroponic, I've got special blend
0:28:13 > 0:28:14and my own one called Mikey's Weed.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16WHISPERS: Don't, no.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18No, no! Tom, don't!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23Fucking scary dork!
0:28:49 > 0:28:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd