0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:08Bye-bye. Bye. Bye-bye.
0:00:08 > 0:00:09Harrods.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Just put 'em wherever you can.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Actually, on that side's probably best,
0:00:13 > 0:00:15out of everyone's way. Thank you.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20Thank you very much.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22Thank you very much.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Oh, I've only got a 50.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Erm...give him a scooter, Ishmael.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Don't look at me like that. I haven't forgotten you.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38- One very shiny £2 piece. Get yourself some sweets.- Thanks.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42- You seem very flush at the moment. - Really? I hadn't noticed.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45- Serrano ham?- That's bacon.- Ah...
0:00:45 > 0:00:50Fine. Give it to the Komodo dragon which is at my new house,
0:00:50 > 0:00:54which is also a boat. I bought a houseboat.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- What have you done with my call sheets?- Burned them.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00From now on, we shall only be writing in the finest silk.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- Is that why the photocopier's broken?- And your printer.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- I'm glad money hasn't changed you.- Thank you.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08You're still really annoying.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- Where is all this money from? - I don't know.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Apparently, I am to be presented with a cheque, later.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15I reckon it's going to be one of those jumbo cheques.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Tom, are you talking about your bonus?
0:01:16 > 0:01:20Oh, sorry, dude, I didn't mean to rub it in your face.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23We're all getting bonuses.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25They're £150...before tax.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- And, just to clarify, that's not very much?- No, it's not very much.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Hello, hello, hello, hello.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Come into my lair. This is Live at the Electric.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:09 > 0:02:13My company of weird, but brilliant, laugh-givers are pumped and ready.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Sketches and character comedy more odd than a prime number.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Although, of course, two is a prime number
0:02:19 > 0:02:21and that's both even and prime, it divides by one and itself.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24# Prime numbers They might be slightly turgid. #
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Seriously, I do worry, how does someone like me ever consider,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29in the future, having a family?
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Someone that does what I do and also, I'm quite emotionally weak.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I come from a background where people start spraying children
0:02:35 > 0:02:38when they're about 16, right?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40And what scares me is some of the men from my community,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43proper hard, working class, the Garys and the Daves.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45The type of men that pull themselves along
0:02:45 > 0:02:47with the traction of their own Cockney head.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:52The reactions of these men when they hold a baby.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56I mean, I know it's a bit sexist, but you, kind of, expect a woman to sort of overflow with tears
0:02:56 > 0:02:59and be overwhelmed with emotion when she first holds her child.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02It's a stereotype, but you expect it. But the way some men go.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03What's going to happen if I ever have a kid?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05How would I handle that level of emotion?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09My closest thing in my life is a pug called Colin that goes with me everywhere.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11I can't even look at HIM without lactating.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13What the hell would happen to me?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15You know when you see them - these men, these hard men -
0:03:15 > 0:03:18the bouncers, the laggers, the scaffolders, they suddenly say,
0:03:18 > 0:03:22"When you look down and hold that fucking baby for the first time,
0:03:22 > 0:03:24"I swear to God, I've never felt love like it.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26"I was overcome. It all makes sense.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28"If anyone ever touched a hair on his head, I'd kill 'em.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30"The nurse came in,
0:03:30 > 0:03:32"I stabbed both her eyes out, cos she looked at my boy."
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- LAUGHTER - It scares me.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40And also, it seems to me... How many people in the room have got children? Give me a cheer.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42LOTS OF CHEERING
0:03:42 > 0:03:45And those of you at home that've got kids, why are there no in between children?
0:03:45 > 0:03:48It seems to me there's either angels or demons.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49The percentage of children who you're like,
0:03:49 > 0:03:53"He's somewhere in the middle, he's quite bad, quite good," is tiny.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55It's either, "Hey, we're so lucky, Josh is really well-behaved.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58"He's up here at the moment, doing a jigsaw puzzle. We're so happy.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"He's so peaceful. Our marriage is still intact.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02"We have sex all the time. I love you, darling."
0:04:02 > 0:04:04LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:07There's that and then there's the other kid.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"Please behave for Mummy! Please!"
0:04:09 > 0:04:13"Daddy's going to leave us!" "Silence, Mother!"
0:04:13 > 0:04:15LAUGHTER
0:04:15 > 0:04:18You know the way that ends? "The power of Christ compels you!"
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"The power of Christ compels you."
0:04:21 > 0:04:24"It burns, Mother!" I was one of those.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27I had that really bizarre thing of pretending to enjoy punishment.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30That was my way of getting back at my mum and dad.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I don't mean physical punishment, there was never any physical punishment.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37"Don't worry, boy, I can't hit ya, cos if I start, I wouldn't fucking stop."
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- "Lovely, thanks, Dad." - LAUGHTER
0:04:40 > 0:04:42There was never any physical punishment,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45but they tried using mental punishment, but I was so...
0:04:45 > 0:04:48I wouldn't call it clever, devious, I pretended to enjoy it.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51"We've confiscated your computer. Thank you, Father, you've made more space."
0:04:51 > 0:04:54# More space, where I am beautiful
0:04:54 > 0:04:57# You cannot punish me Diplomatic immunity! #
0:04:57 > 0:05:02- LAUGHTER - Lethal Weapon 2, in case you were struggling to place the reference.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05And...there was one occasion I particularly remember.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Now, I remember this, I don't remember exactly what I said, my mum filled me in.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Yeah, my mum helped me with my stand-up.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I'd been really naughty at a party, I don't know what I'd done -
0:05:14 > 0:05:17stabbed a cat with a fork, drawn a willy on the wall, God knows.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21And I'd been separated. Obviously, I was angry, I'm 8-9 years old.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23I still had those emotions.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I'm facing the wall, getting more angry thinking,
0:05:25 > 0:05:27"How can I get my own back? How can I get my own back?"
0:05:27 > 0:05:30And my mum came in after 20 minutes. 20 minutes is a long time!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32It's about three days of adult time in kid time.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35She was, like, "Right, you've missed most of the party,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37but you can rejoin the end of it, if you want."
0:05:37 > 0:05:42And I said this, "Do you mind if I don't, Mother, I'm rather enjoying the wallpaper pattern."
0:05:42 > 0:05:44LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:45"The power of Christ compels you!"
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- "The power of Christ compels you!" - APPLAUSE
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Now, Wittank will sketch the living hell out of your comedy synapses,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57because this is The School!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:13 > 0:06:16- Jones, what you doing?- Oh, I'm just
0:06:16 > 0:06:18practising my smile for parents' evening.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21You might want to turn it down a bit.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26I'm not sure who to be more worried about - you or the headmaster.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30Well, if it isn't Dick and Dom. Both Dicks, really.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Ohhh!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Sir, about your behaviour this evening.- Hmm. Yes.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I'm going to be charming the pants off some banging mums.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42- HE CHUCKLES - And they are going to be dripping.
0:06:42 > 0:06:48And this is exactly why we're going to be doing a role play.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53- Oh, no! You can play the headmaster. - I am the headmaster.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I suppose you'll be playing a meddling twat.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59We will be playing Mr and Mrs Smith, a nice respectable couple.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- Let's begin. Hello. We're Mr and Mrs Smith.- And?
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- Well, how's our son getting on? - He's doomed.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- You don't even know who he is yet. - I don't need to, they're all doomed.
0:07:09 > 0:07:15- He would like to go to university. - # It's never going to happen! #
0:07:15 > 0:07:18- Well, it's been lovely chatting to you.- Shut up, Jones.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- Listen, our son says he's being bullied.- Course he is. He's a prick!
0:07:22 > 0:07:26And... OK, headmaster, you're bringing a great energy,
0:07:26 > 0:07:28but I think you could show a bit more respect.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32How's this for respect. Your wife is smoking hot.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Come here.
0:07:34 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- I was actually playing the husband. - My mistake.- What?!
0:07:40 > 0:07:42LAUGHTER
0:07:44 > 0:07:46God, I love parents' evening!
0:07:46 > 0:07:48LAUGHTER
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Your son's still a prick.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Now, never mind the shallots, it's Marcel Lucont!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:05 > 0:08:07COOL JAZZ MUSIC
0:08:16 > 0:08:17Me, again.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19LAUGHTER
0:08:19 > 0:08:20You are welcome.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:30Persons ask me always, "Marcel, as an international travelling genius,
0:08:30 > 0:08:36"how do you cope with so much time wasted on public transport?"
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Well, to be honest,
0:08:37 > 0:08:42I tend to spend most of my time... wasted on public transport.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:46APPLAUSE
0:08:50 > 0:08:52One must get through it, somehow.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58You are lucky to have me in your country at all, after my last flight.
0:08:58 > 0:09:04A small altercation with a stewardess on the flight.
0:09:04 > 0:09:10In my defence, she asked me to put myself into an upright position.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12LAUGHTER
0:09:16 > 0:09:20With English as a second language, mistakes can and will occur.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25There are some ways of making it all more bearable,
0:09:25 > 0:09:30if alcohol is not at your disposal.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33On the train, one can look out for random acts
0:09:33 > 0:09:38of misguided kindness going horribly wrong.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42The number of times I have seen a young man give up his seat
0:09:42 > 0:09:48to a pregnant woman, only to discover she is simply morbidly obese.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49LAUGHTER
0:09:51 > 0:09:56On the buses, as well, you can observe the fat person in the jogging costume.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59So much fun.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00LAUGHTER
0:10:00 > 0:10:06You wish to say, "Sir, simply to wear this clothing will not make you thin."
0:10:06 > 0:10:11"The requisite exercise must also be achieved."
0:10:11 > 0:10:14"Get off the bus."
0:10:14 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:17APPLAUSE
0:10:23 > 0:10:27And you can say this to their face.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29It is rare they will chase you.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31LAUGHTER
0:10:35 > 0:10:40At the airport, do not grow angry with the insecurity guards
0:10:40 > 0:10:43checking your pocket, ruining your day.
0:10:43 > 0:10:48Simply arrive one hour early and try to fuck up their day instead.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50LAUGHTER
0:10:50 > 0:10:53You can achieve this in a number of ways.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59Take with you in your pocket around 500 ball bearings.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Take out one at a time, put on the tray.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:08APPLAUSE
0:11:16 > 0:11:19You can test their knowledge of physics.
0:11:19 > 0:11:24Take in your luggage more than 100 millilitres of ice.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Or an enormous bag of steam.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Watch it blow their minds,
0:11:35 > 0:11:40as they realise they've been told to deal only with one state of water.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42LAUGHTER
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Enjoy.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Merci beaucoup, Marcel Lucont!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Essex. Shakespearean verse.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Essex. Shakespearean verse.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Essex? Shakespearean verse.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:27 > 0:12:29- Scum, now!- Eh?
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Thy ring.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37It runs around the bath encircling the army of your filth,
0:12:37 > 0:12:41the plughole thick with the pubey evidence
0:12:41 > 0:12:44that you do shave your shaft, thus.
0:12:45 > 0:12:50Scattering the spider legs, unmasking the web of your lie
0:12:50 > 0:12:52and simply for the illusion of length.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56- Hey, I did that for love.- Does thou mark the bog in love, too?
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Leaving it so tainted with arse explosions
0:13:00 > 0:13:03that Toilet Duck would hatch itself back into an egg.
0:13:03 > 0:13:08This ring around the bath is not ill, but predicts thy future.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Hands and rings do make pretty things.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Take this ring.
0:13:13 > 0:13:19For a diamond clean bath is worth commitment. Eh?
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- Marriage?- No, not quite that.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25But see how it shows what might come. Hmm?
0:13:25 > 0:13:30I mean, whinge thou, yet did I leave those to show I'll always stay.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35Life will flush at us, but we shall, like that little blue tablet in a pub toilet,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38colour its flow with fresh scents.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40All bacteria be dead, but one,
0:13:40 > 0:13:45the germ which travels to heart from bum.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48All that from a skidmark.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50LAUGHTER
0:13:50 > 0:13:52APPLAUSE
0:13:54 > 0:13:57And now it's the double act who are so surprising
0:13:57 > 0:14:00they've had exclamation marks tattooed on their left arms.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03It's Two Episodes of Mash!
0:14:03 > 0:14:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Hello.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- LAUGHTER - Hello!
0:14:22 > 0:14:28- Er... I'm Joe, this is Diane. - Hello.- We are doing new sketches!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:31 > 0:14:35- By new, he means they might not work.- They might not work!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- CHEERING - Look, if they are not going to work,
0:14:38 > 0:14:40why don't we play a film in the background?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43So they can watch that, see, instead?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46You know, something like Raiders of the Lost Ark.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48CHEERING
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Fine.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Yeah?
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Do you think?- Yeah, go on then.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Yet, can we go to the place, you know,
0:14:58 > 0:15:02where you can download Raiders of the Lost Ark?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Oh, it needs your password.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Erm... sorry?
0:15:07 > 0:15:09It needs your password.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- I don't think you need a password. - Yeah, it's password.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- I don't think that's necessary, is it?- What's your password?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- Put your bloody password... - All right. OK.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19It's... My password, it's...
0:15:21 > 0:15:24.."I want to punch Joe in his stupid fucking face."
0:15:24 > 0:15:26LAUGHTER
0:15:26 > 0:15:28APPLAUSE
0:15:33 > 0:15:35"Underscore repeatedly."
0:15:35 > 0:15:37LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:47That's quite a long password.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- Shall we do a sketch?- Oh, yeah, I need a drink of water for this one.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:57APPLAUSE
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Be careful with that.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07- Eh?- Be careful with the water. - Why?- I'm a mermaid, remember.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Oh, yeah, I forgot.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:16How can you forget something like that?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Can I see you as a fish?- No.- Please?!
0:16:24 > 0:16:29- No.- Please! I've never seen you as a fish. Please!- No.- Please!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:31 > 0:16:32APPLAUSE
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Nothing's happening. LAUGHTER
0:16:44 > 0:16:47It takes about 45 minutes.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Not sure I could be arsed to wait that long.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53LAUGHTER
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Better go and get another glass of water.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00APPLAUSE
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Bye-bye.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Two Episodes of Mash!
0:17:08 > 0:17:10CHEERING
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Brilliant! Who's next?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- A magician? - He's from Las Vegas.- Excellent!
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- Tom, why is the fire alarm deactivated?- Tom, take a seat.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- Help yourself to some Turkish delight.- There's no seat.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39- You could kneel at my feet.- I'm fine. Tom, are you paying for this?- Yes.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- What with? I told you your bonus...- Shh!
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Tom, your bonus is only £150.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47You realise there are serious consequences for running up debts.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51- Like what? - Like debtors' prison or Wonga.com.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- You could end up in jail, OK? - I know.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58And with this baby face, I wouldn't last a second.
0:17:58 > 0:18:02Luckily for me, my fortunes have changed. Read it and weep.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05"Dear Tom Sturton. I am your uncle
0:18:05 > 0:18:07"and I'm also a very wealthy prince from Africa."
0:18:07 > 0:18:10"Lucky for you I am in London today with £300,000 for you."
0:18:10 > 0:18:13"All I need is bank details for my bus ride."
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Which puts me... five grand in credit.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19- Pass me a cola, Ishmael. - Tom, this is a blatant scam.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Dude, he's my own African uncle.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- I seriously doubt he's going to scam me.- Oh, my God!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28He's suddenly going to give you all his money? Tom, that makes no sense.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Typical white man, sticking his nose in African politics.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34You will never understand, Tom.
0:18:34 > 0:18:39- I definitely don't understand why he needs your bank details.- Shh!
0:18:39 > 0:18:40Please!
0:18:40 > 0:18:42I think you should leave.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Next!
0:18:46 > 0:18:49MUSIC: "Smooth Criminal" by Michael Jackson
0:18:57 > 0:18:59APPLAUSE
0:18:59 > 0:19:00OK, ladies and gentlemen,
0:19:00 > 0:19:05our next act is so popular with the ladies, he'll never be a Barca loner.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Because he's Madriddled with charisma.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13He's... I've got one with Valencia.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- It's Antonio! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:16 > 0:19:19FUNK MUSIC
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Hola, bitches!
0:19:24 > 0:19:25ALL: Hola!
0:19:25 > 0:19:30I am Antonio Pascara de Silva, master of seduction,
0:19:30 > 0:19:35champion of charm, connoisseur of coitus.
0:19:35 > 0:19:40Tonight, I am going to show you how to deal with rejection.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44"Rejection. Urgh!"
0:19:44 > 0:19:45LAUGHTER
0:19:46 > 0:19:51It can be very hard, but do not worry you will be just fine
0:19:51 > 0:19:53if you follow my methods.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Or as my doctor calls them "commitment issues."
0:19:57 > 0:20:02LAUGHTER But how do we actually deal with rejection?
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Do not worry, I will show you. Here is a woman I prepared earlier.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Yes. APPLAUSE
0:20:13 > 0:20:19Now watch, OK. Watch how she rejects all my advances. Hey, baby.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24Oh! She's giving me the cold shoulder, but I am not interested in this.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Me, I'm looking for a hot finger.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER
0:20:29 > 0:20:35I'm going to try again. Hey, baby, tell me, can you buy me a drink?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Ohhh!
0:20:38 > 0:20:42LAUGHS That I was not expecting.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Or was I? Urgh!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47LAUGHTER
0:20:47 > 0:20:49APPLAUSE
0:20:55 > 0:21:00Introducing Antonio's Dick Protector 5000!
0:21:00 > 0:21:06One size fits all. Too small? How about now?!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08APPLAUSE
0:21:12 > 0:21:16With this bad boy, you can get rejected all night long.
0:21:16 > 0:21:21Hey, baby. Nothing. You want a drink? Easy.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I want to sleep... It's starting to hurt now.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26LAUGHTER
0:21:26 > 0:21:28So, why not visit my website?
0:21:28 > 0:21:35Actually, no, just see me outside by the bins, to buy your very own Dick Protector 5000!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38The unit which protects your unit.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40LAUGHTER
0:21:40 > 0:21:42And by unit, I mean balls.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Urgh! You're welcome.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:56 > 0:21:58FUNERAL MUSIC
0:22:05 > 0:22:07May I ask how he died?
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Are you taking the piss?
0:22:13 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Old age?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23APPLAUSE
0:22:23 > 0:22:25CHEERING
0:22:28 > 0:22:31Two Episodes of Mash! I love those guys.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35OK, ladies and gentlemen, start getting very excited
0:22:35 > 0:22:38because it's time to meet a genuine superstar.
0:22:38 > 0:22:44Please welcome to the stage, the one, the only, Bubba Duke!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46CHEERING
0:22:46 > 0:22:48HEAVY ROCK MUSIC
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Whoo! Yeah! Woo!
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Woo! Boom!
0:22:55 > 0:22:59Woo! Woo!
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Cut the music. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Bubba Duke. Yeah!
0:23:04 > 0:23:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together
0:23:09 > 0:23:12for these two beautiful sexy ladies, the Bubbarettes!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Whoo!
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Hellfire, I couldn't be a prouder big brother right now.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Go ahead and have fun, girls.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23My name is Bubba Duke and I'm a musical sensation.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27I'm a little like Taylor Swift...
0:23:27 > 0:23:29apart from the fact I got a big old hairy arse
0:23:29 > 0:23:32and a nut sack like a rhino.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34LAUGHTER Women seem to dig it, though.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I've been getting freaky and having sex all over the globe,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40but I treat those women with respect.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43I got all their names written on my chest.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44LAUGHTER
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Hell, yeah. I call that the Bubba hit list.
0:23:48 > 0:23:53So, Bubba, what's your story? How did you become such a big superstar?
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Back home. I'm like a two-for-one on pot noodles in Morrison's.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58I'm a pretty big deal.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER
0:24:00 > 0:24:04See, a few years back and some I had an idea for a USP -
0:24:04 > 0:24:07that's a unique selling point, for any of you dipshits out there.
0:24:07 > 0:24:12I came up with the idea of fusing together country music and hip-hop,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16creating something I like to call cunt-hop!
0:24:16 > 0:24:17LAUGHTER
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Oh, yeah. It's there, baby. It's a-happening.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I couldn't have done it on my own, though, ladies and gentlemen.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25No, I got a partner with me.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29Put your hands together for Mr Noogie Carson!
0:24:29 > 0:24:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:34 > 0:24:39I say he's a partner, hell, he's more like a pet.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41I've got to take him out and walk him,
0:24:41 > 0:24:47I've got to feed him and, hellfire, you jack off in my trailer again I will have you castrated!
0:24:47 > 0:24:48LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Before I do you a song, ladies and gentlemen, I've got a little bone to pick with you.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55See, I come from Kentucky, man,
0:24:55 > 0:24:59and that's the spiritual home of deep-fried chicken.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02The thing is, people, I take food mighty seriously.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04You need to, too.
0:25:04 > 0:25:09I notice that food over here and eating ain't even a professional sport.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Have you not seen Man Versus Food?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Hell, there's a war happening out there, people.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18You've got to get your kids ready for fighting.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20And I look around and see these skinny little souls
0:25:20 > 0:25:23who look like they're only eating four or five meals a day.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER Hell, we got kids back home,
0:25:25 > 0:25:29they eat from the moment they get out of bed, to the moment they go to sleep.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34Hell, there's some kids back home who can't get out of bed they're so fat.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38They carry on eating, anyhow.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41It's those brave little souls
0:25:41 > 0:25:45that make us the greatest nation in the whole goddamn land. Amen.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47APPLAUSE Thank you.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Ain't that right, Noogie?
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Yeah, well, I never ate much as a child.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54You couldn't eat much as a child,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57your momma used to eat all your food for you.
0:25:57 > 0:25:58LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:26:02She was a good woman. And...I love her.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05So I'm going to sing a song for my momma.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08And it goes something like this. Hit it.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13# There's a town where you know where you're from
0:26:13 > 0:26:17# And running around with the sun on your tiny back
0:26:17 > 0:26:19# Blue sea and a head full of dreams
0:26:19 > 0:26:22# Time of your life when you live like a mother's son
0:26:22 > 0:26:25# Making shapes with a cloud and a hat, shout it out
0:26:25 > 0:26:28# Seeing things that will make you believe are crap
0:26:28 > 0:26:30# Blue sky and bottle of tan
0:26:30 > 0:26:33# Time of you life when you live like a mother's son. #
0:26:33 > 0:26:36# Bullshit, Noogie, your story ain't straight
0:26:36 > 0:26:39# For most of your life you were chained to a gate
0:26:39 > 0:26:42# Your momma don't love you, I know how she feels
0:26:42 > 0:26:44# You had more dads than you had hot meals
0:26:44 > 0:26:47# You've got baggage It's time you dropped it
0:26:47 > 0:26:50# I've done some digging, Noogie You was adopted! #
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Bubba Duke. See you on down the trail.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Bubba and Noogie!
0:27:02 > 0:27:06- CHEERING - That's all our clips licked almost.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09To finish the job, strum your keys at...
0:27:12 > 0:27:17So from me and my electrically charged buddies, goodbye!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:21 > 0:27:23HE SNORTS
0:27:26 > 0:27:28What is that?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Berocca. 360 a tube, but you're paying for the purity.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- Want a hit? - No, thanks, trying to cut back.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36I've been checking out these e-mail scams,
0:27:36 > 0:27:37most banks will cover them.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41- You need to call the Fraud Protection Agency.- Uncle Amisimbo!
0:27:43 > 0:27:50What took you so long? HE SPEAKS IN A FOREIGN TONGUE
0:27:50 > 0:27:52HE REPLIES IN A FOREIGN TONGUE
0:27:52 > 0:27:54BOTH LAUGH
0:27:54 > 0:27:56- You got the dough?- Of course.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Thank you. It's such a relief.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- Till next time, my nephew. - Until next time.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Oh, shit!
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Let me guess. Fake money?
0:28:14 > 0:28:21No. It was his birthday today. Never mind, I'll send him a funny card.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24Moonpig.com!
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd