0:00:00 > 0:00:01This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:01 > 0:00:05"He restoreth my soul. He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for His name's sake.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
0:00:08 > 0:00:10"I will fear no evil for Thou art with me.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12"Thy rod and thy staff, they...
0:00:12 > 0:00:18- "They comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence..."- Do it with an accent.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Like Jesus.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23Say it how she would have spake it.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24I think Jesus was a man.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHORTLES AND SPLUTTERS
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Tom, I pray that you will be more open-minded on your death bed.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34- Tom, you had your tonsils out two weeks ago. You're going to be fine. - I'm relapsing!
0:00:34 > 0:00:38OK, fine. You still don't have a temperature.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42When are you going to help me with those lighting crates? They are so heavy...
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Must you plague a dying man with these questions?
0:00:45 > 0:00:48- How did you get this bed in here? - My physicians helped me.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52They've been looking after me, soothing me, cleaning me.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Who's been cleaning him?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Come on.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Ishmael. He's my favourite.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04What else did he make you do, Ishmael?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Sometimes after the sponge baths he makes me...
0:01:06 > 0:01:08CRIES OUT IN PAIN
0:01:08 > 0:01:11They're becoming more frequent. What did you say they were called?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Contractions. You need to breathe heavily and push.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16FARTS
0:01:18 > 0:01:21How are we getting on with the will? Is it finished?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- I think so.- Read it to me. I might want to make some edits.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26"Once I am dead and have ascended,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29"none of my possessions are to be given to Nubi because he is a butt-hole."
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Just read that last part to me again.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35"..because I am a butt-hole."
0:01:36 > 0:01:37No changes.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Good evening!
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Hello, hello, hello!
0:02:05 > 0:02:10Welcome, ladies, gentlemen, and people from Essex, you're all welcome!
0:02:10 > 0:02:16Seriously, I do love this place. This is where me and my parade of sketchy character freaks belong.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Geek Central, yeah?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Personally, I take it as a compliment to be rejected.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22That way, the girls can never win!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Dirty girls, even if they do smell lovely.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Girls smell so nice, especially when they're running!
0:02:30 > 0:02:32We've got an amazing show for you tonight.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I made sure I got plenty of rest before I filmed this series.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37I went to Thailand, which I've never done before.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41It's a long-haul flight. It's 13 hours on the way back.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45It's that horrible... You get these horrible old ladies doing these weird exercises on the way back!
0:02:45 > 0:02:51I always seem to sit in the seat where the old lady's doing her maximum section.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53She's always got the jogging bottoms on.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56They're like a camel toe if camels had elephantitis!
0:02:59 > 0:03:04It's like I'm getting some bizarre octogenarian lap dance!
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"I'll do whatever you want for a Werther's!"
0:03:12 > 0:03:13Anyway...
0:03:15 > 0:03:19I don't know who's been to Thailand. You think it'll be so different.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Bangkok is going to be like another world.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23They are weirdly like British people.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Thai and British people are so similar!
0:03:26 > 0:03:29That strange mix of real ultra conservatism
0:03:29 > 0:03:31and repressedness by day,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33and then completely going wild at night.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34The Brits do it fantastically.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38"Nothing. I'm not going to tell that girl I fancy her, nothing all week, sober.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"Stay in, don't speak. It's Friday night! Finger her behind the skip. Back to work!"
0:03:41 > 0:03:46No middle gear. No middle gear. Nothing or orgy!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50The Thais are brilliant by day.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53"If you would like to remove your footwear. It is respectful to cover your shoulders."
0:03:53 > 0:03:58By night, "Please, take off your shoes and cover your shoulders before I wank you off for 20 baht!"
0:04:00 > 0:04:04It was an absolutely awesome holiday, and I'll...
0:04:04 > 0:04:07It's amazing how many 20 bahts you get through!
0:04:09 > 0:04:15I feel the one big question that has escaped the attention of UK social anthropologists and linguists is,
0:04:15 > 0:04:19what would happen if the peoples of Essex could converse in blank Shakespearian verse.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Wonder no more.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23For we have the answer!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41My love, what is this culinary surprise,
0:04:41 > 0:04:44for I am hungrier than a junior stockbroker
0:04:44 > 0:04:46before the credit crunch!
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Stay back, my prince, Daveutio!
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I have let thee down like a Lidl helium balloon!
0:04:51 > 0:04:56- Sweet trollop!- My souffle is dead.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01Though I did whisk at it, as you do yourself when downloading new porn mpegs!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04'Tis deflated.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Flat as a Bruce Forsyth joke!
0:05:06 > 0:05:10My sweet, risen mound will not charm thee
0:05:10 > 0:05:12after thy day's expense at Kwik Fit.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I have unserviced you!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18The suspension of my dessert broken,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20the engine of its tin ungreased!
0:05:20 > 0:05:26- Hey, you rev too hard! - To thee I am now a write-off.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30A broken-down wench. No angel that thus delights thee.
0:05:30 > 0:05:35Is Dick becoming spotted at the thought of my unwomanly hands?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39My soul is smashing into biscuit baseness.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Never more will the clotted cream of his love
0:05:43 > 0:05:47empty into the moist split scone of mine affections!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Adieu!
0:05:49 > 0:05:53Nay, foolish, fair slapper!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57See not failure in this unrisen thing but joy!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00A souffle risen is but a speech by Nick Clegg.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Air, egginess, heat. Inside, fuck all.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Do you mean it, my love?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Look with thy false-lashed eyes to truth.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12This squashed souffle has become a pancake,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15a smilier pudd, rolled out in celebration.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19Covered in sweetness, enjoyed together.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22All is gained and none is lost...
0:06:22 > 0:06:26when evenings finish with things being tossed!
0:06:37 > 0:06:41And now the only kind of mash people on Atkin's can tuck into,
0:06:41 > 0:06:42Two Episodes of Mash!
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Hello. This is our bit. Good luck.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- Don't touch me!- Jesus!
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Just get on with it, then.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Can we put a goldfish up here?
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Can we make it look like it's trying to decide what A levels to do?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21What time is it?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I dunno. It's about quarter past.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Shit! Can you put my eBay account up, please?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- Why?- I'm bidding on some compost. It's nearly finished.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34You're the highest bidder!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Shh! Don't jinx it! Come on!
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I really need this compost.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Come on, come on, come on!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Come on! Come on!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- Yes!- Yes! Yes!- Yes!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55High-five! High-five!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- Shall we just get...- Yeah.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19OK.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21I'm genuinely knackered!
0:08:23 > 0:08:24I feel sick.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Oh, that's lovely.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Are you enjoying my party?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Not many people here, is there?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05There's a gazebo in the garden.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08It's like a tent with no sides.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Stand under it if it drizzles.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13Hmm.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19A gazebo. Funny word, isn't it?
0:09:21 > 0:09:22You can use it... Oh, I've got a text.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29It's from you!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"Don't bother coming. It's shit here."
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Sorry.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43I sent that to the wrong person!
0:09:50 > 0:09:51That's a relief!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Raa!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Sarah, do you mind? I've got a bit of a headache.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Yeah, me, too.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I feel like my skull's been smashed in with a crowbar.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I've got a tummy ache, as well.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Probably caught it off me. My stomach's in agony.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I feel like I've been poisoned with arsenic and my guts are falling out.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- I think I'm...- And I can't stop burping.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Perhaps you've got consumption.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30That...
0:10:31 > 0:10:34..or someone's trying to kill me.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Say your prayers, prostitute!
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- I'm not a prostitute!- Shit!
0:10:41 > 0:10:44I've come all this way now! I'll just kill you anyway!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Oh, the dark years of The Ripper!
0:10:46 > 0:10:50I'm not The Ripper! I'm The...
0:10:50 > 0:10:51Um...
0:10:51 > 0:10:53The...
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I'm The Caesarean!
0:10:57 > 0:10:58What?!
0:10:58 > 0:11:00The Caesarean.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02That's gross!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Well, I've said it now, so...
0:11:04 > 0:11:07The Caesarean!
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Funny, I've never heard of you!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Oh, so you haven't heard about poor Mary Swiggins
0:11:12 > 0:11:14who was cut into a pair of curtains!
0:11:14 > 0:11:17We have ourselves a Jack the Ripper wannabe!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19You want to watch your mouth.
0:11:19 > 0:11:23Some people wouldn't take kindly to a big-headed blather-skite like you!
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Especially not The Suckler!
0:11:25 > 0:11:30- Who?- Why, just last week he took a boy's face clean off with a plunger
0:11:30 > 0:11:32and fed it to his dog, Pooper.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Then he cut off the boy's stiff, dead hand
0:11:35 > 0:11:38and used it to scoop out the brains of his battered skull
0:11:38 > 0:11:41before gobbling it down with a pint of blood.
0:11:41 > 0:11:46And to finish the job off, he flushed the dismembered body down the crapper!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- I ain't scared of no-one. - RATTLING
0:11:59 > 0:12:01All right, girls? Just give you a heads up.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03The toilet's in a bit of a state.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Looks like there's been a murder in there!
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I told you I was ill.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16OK. It's time to put more north in our life!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Say hello to Lucy Beaumont!
0:12:19 > 0:12:22APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Hello. I'm Lucy. I'm from Hull.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31CHEERING
0:12:31 > 0:12:37Do you know what? I don't think Diane is a good name for steak.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45I've thought this for a while, actually.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48I don't think it was meant to be called Steak Diane.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52I think what's happened is someone's gone, "Steak, Diane."
0:12:52 > 0:12:57And someone's overheard and they thought that's what the dish was called.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I think they've probably gone, like,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02"Quiche, Lorraine!"
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Or, "Eggs, Benedict!"
0:13:07 > 0:13:09"Eggs, Florentine!"
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Or, "Caesar, your salad's here."
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Or "Rogan"... Oh. That doesn't work.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Right, and summat else, as well.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Facebook.
0:13:20 > 0:13:21It was annoying me before
0:13:21 > 0:13:26when people I knew was putting pictures of their children as their profile picture.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Makes it look like you were friends with toddlers.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35That was annoying me. But what people are doing now on my Facebook page
0:13:35 > 0:13:38is putting pictures of their unborn foetuses.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41You know, the scans from the hospital.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44That. I didn't know what was going on.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48I thought people was putting black and white pictures of their dinner!
0:13:51 > 0:13:55I know. One of my friends put, "Look what we're having."
0:13:59 > 0:14:01And I put, "What, liver and onions?"
0:14:03 > 0:14:08Do you know what else? My friend, Jackie, she's been single for quite a while, now.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11And she met this guy on Facebook.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14And literally within two weeks he said, "I'm falling for you.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16"I need to come and meet you."
0:14:16 > 0:14:20And he got a train to Hull, and I went with her in the car to pick him up.
0:14:20 > 0:14:25And he came out the station doors and he saw us both in the car
0:14:25 > 0:14:28and he put his bags down like that
0:14:28 > 0:14:30and he went...
0:14:31 > 0:14:34So we drove off.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Psychopath!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Thank you!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:44 > 0:14:47"Tom's memoirs, chapter two."
0:14:49 > 0:14:52A, B, C, D...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54- D?- No, not D.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55C?
0:14:59 > 0:15:00A, B, C...
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- Tom, this is ridiculous.- Yeah, you're right. How far did we get?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07You've just had sex with Natasha Bedingfield
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- and now you're smoking a joint with Usain Bolt.- That's right.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13And Sinatra walks in, drunk as a skunk...
0:15:13 > 0:15:15No, then it just stops.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- Did I faint?- No, I left because you kept doing a Usain Bolt impression.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26That's the last one, I promise! Please, just push me around so I can say my goodbyes.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Fine.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Oh, so many memories!
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Ooh, what's this?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35The wet floor sign. Remember that?
0:15:35 > 0:15:39That man used to put it down when the, um... When the...
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- When the floor was wet? - Yes, that's right!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44How we did laugh!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Oh, and this. The fuse box.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49What was that joke I always made about this?
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- I don't think you did.- I called it the confuse box!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- No, you didn't.- Never knew what it was for.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58It turns off the stage lights.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01It's your job, but I've been doing it for the past - all of the shows.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06You seem sad, Tom. Don't be. I'm at peace now.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Goodbye, Russell.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13He looked straight through me! Why is everyone ignoring me? I'm dying!
0:16:13 > 0:16:16I don't know. Maybe you've already died and now you're a ghost.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:27 > 0:16:30He's louche, he's chic, he's with us every week.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Bienvenu, Marcel Lucont!
0:16:32 > 0:16:36APPLAUSE
0:16:41 > 0:16:44HEAVY FRENCH ACCENT: Some male viewers
0:16:44 > 0:16:48have written asking me to give advice for the procurement of women.
0:16:48 > 0:16:55I am happy to do this via television, as this way, I am paid to do so.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I don't waste any of my own time.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03"Marcel, mon ami...
0:17:05 > 0:17:11"..if a woman is touching her hair, is this a sign of her affections for me?"
0:17:11 > 0:17:13That's Lee from Dundee.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16No.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22It is more likely a sign of low personal hygiene.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Although, of course, you did not specify which hair she was touching.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33"Marcel, I have been with the same woman for three years now
0:17:33 > 0:17:37"and I need something to reinvigorate the spark.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"What are your suggestions?"
0:17:40 > 0:17:42That's Keith from Leith.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Wow!
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Three years? Already this sounds a little clingy to me.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56But there are two things a man can do to keep alive the spark.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Number one.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Women, they like to play games.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Always.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Why not try hiding?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14Try one, maybe two hours in the cupboard.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Boo! Surprise!
0:18:18 > 0:18:23Build it up to three, four weeks away.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Some men, they can hide for decades.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30If this is not for you,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34you can leave for your loved one around the house small notes
0:18:34 > 0:18:36for her to find.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Three word notes are the best.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40A different word on a different note
0:18:40 > 0:18:42in a different room of the house.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46And the best three words a man can leave
0:18:46 > 0:18:51are "will", "you" and "me".
0:18:51 > 0:18:55She will be searching for the fourth one for days.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05Finally,
0:19:05 > 0:19:11"Marcel, how do I persuade my woman to get a Brazilian wax?"
0:19:11 > 0:19:15From Maximillian from Slough.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Well, the questionnaire should not be how but why?
0:19:23 > 0:19:29I don't understand this trend. A woman should have some hair down there.
0:19:29 > 0:19:34Not too much. It should not look like it has its own washing instruction on a tag.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41But the line of hair, I don't trust.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42An American design.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44They call it the...uh...
0:19:45 > 0:19:47..the landing strip.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49It's why I believe it to be American.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53The American man, he needs guidance.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07He will still miss.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Hit the wrong target.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15He will call it "friendly fire".
0:20:19 > 0:20:21But it won't be so friendly in the morning!
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Well, that is all the advice I wish to give for now.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Remember, men,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32there are plenty of fish in the sea.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34If you cannot drive a trawler,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37you can always make do with a tug.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Jones, have you seen this email from the headmaster?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03No. What's an email?
0:21:03 > 0:21:06He's planning a staff initiation.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10"Prepare to get pissed and be sick in the quad."
0:21:10 > 0:21:13It's tradition. He's always sick in the quad.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Well, if it isn't the black-eyed penises!
0:21:16 > 0:21:20- Morning, headmaster.- Look what I found. Bloody saxophone. Listen.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22SINGLE NOTE
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Trumpet!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Sir, about this initiation.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Be prepared to get shit-faced.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33What are the pupils going to do? Watch you get drunk?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35No, they'll be far too scared to watch.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37When I drink...
0:21:38 > 0:21:39..I'm an animal.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42How come I never had any sort of initiation?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Never had an initiation?
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Oh, dear(!)
0:21:48 > 0:21:50BELL TOLLS
0:21:51 > 0:21:53What's going on?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Please! This isn't funny!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Jones? Where am I?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02What's going on?
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Please!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Aghh!
0:22:09 > 0:22:11GROWLING
0:22:11 > 0:22:13What are you doing?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Look at it!
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Come!- Aghhh!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29No!
0:22:33 > 0:22:38Welcome to boarding school.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43No!
0:22:55 > 0:23:00Right. Now that's done with, we'd better start this initiation.
0:23:01 > 0:23:05- IN UNISON:- Down it! Down it! Down it! Down it!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:10 > 0:23:14Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome a woman so temperamental,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16her garden has got its own mood swing.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18It's Loretta Maine!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Hello. Good evening.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31I'm here to sing some songs. Most of my songs come out of love.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34So give me a cheer if you've ever been in love.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36CHEERING
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Great(!)
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Give me a cheer if you've ever been fucked over by a man!
0:23:43 > 0:23:44CHEERING
0:23:44 > 0:23:47That's right, ladies. This is our five minutes.
0:23:47 > 0:23:53This song is off my new album: "I Had Your Baby But I Threw It In The River".
0:23:56 > 0:23:57And, um...
0:23:59 > 0:24:01It's about that brave face you have to put on
0:24:01 > 0:24:03when you bump into someone you broke up with
0:24:03 > 0:24:07and maybe they moved on a bit faster than you did.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Ass-hole!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15# You said that we could still be friends
0:24:15 > 0:24:18# But you don't return any of my calls but
0:24:18 > 0:24:21# Don't worry I'll keep redialling
0:24:21 > 0:24:23# Cos it stops me climbing up these walls
0:24:23 > 0:24:26# And I know you got my emails
0:24:26 > 0:24:28# Cos I checked in your Inbox
0:24:29 > 0:24:34# You didn't change your password and you didn't change your locks
0:24:34 > 0:24:38# But I'm fine, yeah, I'm absolutely fine
0:24:39 > 0:24:42# I just wanted to let you know
0:24:42 > 0:24:44# Now seemed like a good time
0:24:44 > 0:24:47# You broke my heart and stole my soul
0:24:47 > 0:24:49# You vicious Valentine
0:24:50 > 0:24:54# But I promise you I'm absolutely fine
0:25:03 > 0:25:05You know.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07I'm looking at you!
0:25:09 > 0:25:13# I watched while you were sleeping from your wardrobe the other day
0:25:16 > 0:25:19# I wanted to approach you
0:25:19 > 0:25:21# But then what's a girl to say?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24# And then your new girlfriend arrived
0:25:24 > 0:25:26# And climbed into your bed
0:25:27 > 0:25:30# I meant to creep out silently
0:25:30 > 0:25:32# But I shot you both instead
0:25:32 > 0:25:36# And now I'm fine, yeah, I'm absolutely fine
0:25:37 > 0:25:40# I'm sorry that I killed you both
0:25:40 > 0:25:42# OK, so wrong place, wrong time
0:25:42 > 0:25:44# There's blood all over your bedroom
0:25:44 > 0:25:47# I can probably sell it to The Guggenheim
0:25:48 > 0:25:53# Your girlfriend's in the bin now so I'm fine
0:25:56 > 0:26:00# As I lie here and hold your decaying body in my arms
0:26:00 > 0:26:06# I just can't help but succumb to your charms
0:26:06 > 0:26:08# And although I know you'd think it's wrong
0:26:08 > 0:26:11# It feels so very right
0:26:12 > 0:26:17# As I clutch your clammy body right into the night
0:26:17 > 0:26:20# And now I'm fine, yeah, I'm absolutely fine
0:26:22 > 0:26:24# Don't worry I won't let it rot
0:26:24 > 0:26:27# I've pickled him in brine
0:26:27 > 0:26:31# As my relationships go I'd probably rate this a 7.9
0:26:32 > 0:26:36# And now we're back together I am fine
0:26:37 > 0:26:41# Besides he's dead now, he can't argue so I'm fine. #
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Thank you very much.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Loretta Maine!
0:26:52 > 0:26:56Still, compared to my ex-girlfriend, quite mild.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00Now, if you find yourself wanting more clip stimulation after the show,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02head to:
0:27:04 > 0:27:05That's all from me and my motley crew.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Goodbye!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17What are you doing?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- Can you see me?- Yeah!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Sorry. Thought I was a ghost.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd