0:00:02 > 0:00:05This show contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07- Somebody's broken my longboard. - How are you going to get home?
0:00:07 > 0:00:09It's cool, I'll use my skates,
0:00:09 > 0:00:11but they're a nightmare on the Tube. Who would do this?
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Hang on - there's a note.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16"Let's see you fix this, techie dorks. Stagehands are dicks.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18"Lighting Crew rule."
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Sons of bitches! I bet they stole my Big Bang Theory DVDs.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25- Maybe.- Definitely. I told you it was funny. Either way...
0:00:25 > 0:00:28I'm going to get them back for what they did to your skateboard.
0:00:28 > 0:00:29- Longboard.- Whatever.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32I'm not just going to roll over and let these guys bum us.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Wait, they...want to bum us?
0:00:34 > 0:00:36It's a gangster expression, you know,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39- "That guy just fucked me in the ass!" - Oh, right, yeah.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42They got a crew. We need a crew.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43What are you saying?
0:00:43 > 0:00:48I'm saying we need to set our differences aside and gang together.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50What are you saying?
0:00:50 > 0:00:51I'm saying...
0:00:51 > 0:00:53we need to form our own gang.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Wait...
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- What are you saying?- I literally can't put it any other way, Tom.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00- Do you want to start a gang with me? - I'll have to consult
0:01:00 > 0:01:03my rollerblading crew, but I don't see that as a conflict of interest.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05We'll need more than two members.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Ishmael, want to join a gang?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- Do we get to wear bandanas? - I don't know.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Do we, Tom?
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Fine by me.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33CHEERING
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Sisters, brothers, sons and daughters,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44blessed be the Director General
0:01:44 > 0:01:47for the beginning of another Live At The Electric!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49CHEERING
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Tonight's show is going to storm it like the Bastille! Similes.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Be careful even watching it, you might laugh so hard
0:01:55 > 0:01:58that your Tena Lady flies off and sticks to the coving.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01I, er... Look, I am doing good
0:02:01 > 0:02:04and I'm very lucky to have this job, and it's wonderful,
0:02:04 > 0:02:06but my body sometimes doesn't know how lucky I am.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09It's the problem when you've got a job that's brilliant
0:02:09 > 0:02:11and you feel blessed. Your body doesn't go,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14"It's OK that you're overworked, it's an exciting job."
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Your body goes, "Help me!" So what I did was, I went to a spa.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It's a posh spa, I won't say where it is,
0:02:19 > 0:02:21and I was there with a new girlfriend
0:02:21 > 0:02:24that I'm seeing at the moment... Because I am straight
0:02:24 > 0:02:26and I've got a girlfriend, so take that, Google!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Anyway, me and Brian, we were chilling out in our room...
0:02:33 > 0:02:35And, uh, I was at dinner
0:02:35 > 0:02:38and I was sat next to Nicole Scherzinger
0:02:38 > 0:02:40and Lewis Hamilton. I could not believe it.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I was totally starstruck, right?
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I might not be into sport and all that,
0:02:44 > 0:02:46but I admire what the dude does and she is a frickin' goddess!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48And I'm at dinner and I'm listening to her going,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51"Oh, baby, that lamb chop's so good. Mmm, tuck into that lamb!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53"That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, baby! Oh, yeah!
0:02:53 > 0:02:57"My potato chips are so good, mmm! Don't ignore that, baby boy!" Right?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01At least, that's what I heard, in my demented teenage mind.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I just felt so inadequate next to her and, like,
0:03:04 > 0:03:06I know she gets a bit of stick.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07I'm a bit of an admirer of Tulisa as well,
0:03:07 > 0:03:10I think she's got a good spirit... I do. I am.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13And I suddenly thought... how difficult it must be
0:03:13 > 0:03:16to stand next to someone like Nicole Scherzinger all the time,
0:03:16 > 0:03:18and they did that X Factor together.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20What must that feel like? That would be like me
0:03:20 > 0:03:23stood next to some David Gandy figure or something like that.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26When the screen goes up and Nicole Scherzinger walks out like this,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28"Right, baby boys, I've descended from the heavens
0:03:28 > 0:03:31"to entertain your ass. You like what you see? Uh!" Like that!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33And Tulisa walks out from the smoke going,
0:03:33 > 0:03:37"I'm sorry I'm late, I stood in dog shit. I'm sorry!"
0:03:37 > 0:03:39HE RETCHES
0:03:39 > 0:03:40"Do these trackies look all right?"
0:03:44 > 0:03:47"I was bringing on Fazer by the bins."
0:03:49 > 0:03:51GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:55What is that? Do you know what that looks like?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57You know when middle-aged people
0:03:57 > 0:03:59don't want to have sex with each other any more?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02That's what it looks like. "No, Roger, no!"
0:04:02 > 0:04:05"No! No, Roger!"
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"Please, Muriel!" "No!"
0:04:08 > 0:04:10"Just do me a Telegraph crossword, Roger."
0:04:10 > 0:04:15Anyway, I'm one of those snidey idiot double-standard people
0:04:15 > 0:04:18who like to mock reality television while sobbing over the finals.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20"Don't come in! I'm watching it at the moment.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23"I'm watching a Stephen Fry documentary about adjectives.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25"Don't come in...
0:04:25 > 0:04:27"He's been on a journey!"
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Right?
0:04:28 > 0:04:31"No, we don't watch any reality television. It's disgusting.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Sometimes, we just stand in the garden covered in hummus
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- going, "Free Tibet! Free!" - HE CHANTS
0:04:38 > 0:04:41"That's what a woman looks like, Roger. We have hair. Get over it!"
0:04:41 > 0:04:43HE BLOWS
0:04:43 > 0:04:44That's her pubes in the wind.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- "Women have hair, Roger!" - HE BLOWS
0:04:52 > 0:04:55I guarantee there are people watching this, shocked -
0:04:55 > 0:04:58women had pubes in the '80s. Didn't know. Didn't know.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- GRUFF VOICE:- "You don't know what we went through back then...
0:05:00 > 0:05:02"in the '80s, for you!"
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"You could have shaven...
0:05:04 > 0:05:06"You don't know what it was like!"
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"Barry lost his oesophagus."
0:05:08 > 0:05:09- IN RASPY VOICE:- "That's right!"
0:05:11 > 0:05:13"She had a right gorilla salad!"
0:05:13 > 0:05:15GROANING
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Ladies and gentlemen, I've just introduced the phrase
0:05:17 > 0:05:20"gorilla salad" to the United Kingdom.
0:05:20 > 0:05:21APPLAUSE
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I'll tell you the bit that does wind me up about these reality shows.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31It doesn't matter whether you're on ice, having talent, X Factor...
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Even the celebrity ones, even the types of programmes
0:05:33 > 0:05:35that I might be encouraged to go on, it's the same thing.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39The sob story is trotted out before the performance,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41as though somehow, the shit that you've gone through
0:05:41 > 0:05:44modifies how tonal your voice is.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Look, I'm sorry if you've lost someone, don't see your kids,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49your marriage has failed, you were adopted - news flash!
0:05:49 > 0:05:52Most people watching this have had some shit happen to them.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55That's called life. You don't get to ejaculate out of your gob and then,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58"Oh, my God, sad story. Suddenly his voice is more in tune."
0:05:58 > 0:06:00It makes no difference whatsoever!
0:06:00 > 0:06:02There's no-one that can go to work on Monday and go,
0:06:02 > 0:06:03"Do you mind if I don't do my filing?"
0:06:03 > 0:06:05# My nan's quite ill
0:06:05 > 0:06:08# Is my filing better now you know my nan is ill? #
0:06:08 > 0:06:11No, your filing's the same! You're fired, you prick! Get out!
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Now, if this show had a syllabus,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20then WitTank would be the ones to write it.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Why? Because they're taking us back to The School.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Jones, there's a wealthy prospective parent coming in today,
0:06:39 > 0:06:41so could you try and be normal for a change?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Of course, I'll just make a note.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Oh, and, Jones, she was widowed recently,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- so try and act sensitively. - DOOR OPENS
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Well, well, well, if it isn't the Fuckle Brothers!
0:06:52 > 0:06:56- Morning, Headmaster. - Jones, come here.- OK.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Thank you.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- Sir, you haven't forgotten about our guest today?- Ah, yes, the WILF.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05- The what?- A widow I'd like to f...
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- That's enough, Headmaster, the woman is in mourning.- Yes, I know.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Wealth and grief make me incredibly aroused.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- I hope she's wearing a veil. - Oh, look, please don't pester here!
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Pester? Huh! She's not a WILP.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22She's a woman on my banging list.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23A WOMBL.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Excuse me, sorry, I was just looking for...
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Rosie?
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Neil?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34My goodness, it's been years!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36The last time...
0:07:36 > 0:07:37we saw each other must have been...
0:07:37 > 0:07:39SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:07:39 > 0:07:40This is my son.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42A son?
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Hello!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46Hello, yourself.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Jones...
0:07:54 > 0:07:56come here.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Oh, hello there. I understand you're a WILF.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Hello, little one. You know, you look remarkably like...
0:08:02 > 0:08:04- Ow!- Darling!
0:08:04 > 0:08:06That's my boy!
0:08:06 > 0:08:08I like your school.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- And I like your beard.- Thank you.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- I was born with it.- You know, I think you're going to do very well here.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17We should celebrate. Gin?
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Oh, no, I couldn't possibly drink in the mornings. Mummy doesn't like it.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23I beg your pardon?!
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- I don't drink alcohol and I respect my mother.- You're not my son!
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- You can't hit a child!- You're right.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- She wasn't a WOMBL, she was a wanker.- What does that stand for?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41APPLAUSE
0:08:42 > 0:08:44The School! How good was that?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46Now...
0:08:46 > 0:08:49They say that laughter isn't always the best medicine,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51so if you're having an asthma attack, look away now,
0:08:51 > 0:08:55because this is Two Episodes of Mash!
0:09:08 > 0:09:11WHOOPING
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Hello, I'm Joe, this is Diane.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23- Hello.- Uh, it's our bit.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25We've got a green screen.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Uh, we can do anything up here, so we thought we'd, uh,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32draw the first background using a huge Etch-o-Sketch.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Why?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Just do it, you knobhead.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40(Oh, God!)
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- Go left a bit.- Piss off.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- Go left a bit!- What do you mean, "Left a bit"? I'm doing up and down.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- Why are you doing, anyway?! - DON'T SHOUT AT ME!- Well, don't...
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- You haven't even told me what we're drawing!- It's just...
0:09:55 > 0:09:57- What are we drawing?- I DON'T KNOW!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00- An Etch-o-Sketch!- Oh...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Do you want to...?- This is shit.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04No, you're right. It's shit.
0:10:05 > 0:10:06Let's just do a sketch.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12It's too big to shake.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:18 > 0:10:19First sketch...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Uh...
0:10:21 > 0:10:23That's, um...
0:10:23 > 0:10:26- That's a forklift, there. - Right, right, yeah.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- I've had that about a year.- Right.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30- Uh, admin area over there.- OK.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34- We do invoicing, that sort of thing. - Yeah.- Uh...
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Then you got the staff room at the back, and this is, um...
0:10:38 > 0:10:40..pretty much where we, uh...
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- where we make the chocolate.- Right.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- I still can't believe I found the golden ticket.- Yeah.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- It's amazing. - Yeah, well done, yeah, yeah.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57The chocolate wrappers over there, and that's, uh...
0:10:57 > 0:10:59that's pretty much it, yeah.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Yeah. Unless you want to see where we park the van.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06What, that's it? That's the whole tour?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Pretty much, yeah.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I thought at least there'd be, like, a chocolate fountain or something.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Why? It's just a factory.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20I spent about 300 quid trying to find that ticket!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22You fucking idiot!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31- This is a rip-off!- Yeah, I know!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- More like Willy Wanker's Chocolate Factory.- Hey!
0:11:37 > 0:11:39It hasn't really got an end.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Hold on, I'll tell you what we'll do.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46What?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- Let's pop that video of me... - Oh, yeah, the pen one?- Yeah.
0:11:49 > 0:11:54Can you pop that video up of me doing the, uh, bendy pen trick?
0:11:55 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:57 > 0:11:58There's your big finish.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00APPLAUSE
0:12:18 > 0:12:20What thinkest thou, my love?
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Er...big!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24It's huge.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26It has more volume than a pensioner's telly.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- I can see by your face you like it not.- Nay, nay.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34And now we come to the chop, for I do loathe those munting locks.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Would that she'd done a Britney
0:12:36 > 0:12:38and shaved her pate, I could hate it less.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Look how the hair piles and piles like old clothes
0:12:41 > 0:12:43outside a Sue Ryder shop.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I must speak false and do it well.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Phwoar! Ha-ha-ha!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50In my breeches, it's like...
0:12:50 > 0:12:52a dropped garden hose.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- Fibber thou.- Nay.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59Tis so beautiful that beauty doth overflow, folding back in on itself,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02making my face spasm so it portrays the opposite, me in disgust -
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- but it is not. - Oh, make love to me, then.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Prove the rigidity of thy desire.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13- Can I do you from behind? - Bastard!- It was jest.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16I cannot make love to thee yet, so fresh.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Thou art KFC to me,
0:13:17 > 0:13:21hot and crisply served by permed locks,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24awash with secret blends of herbs and spices.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Thou make me the Colonel,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30assembling the battered army of my desire. Hmm?
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Oh, Daveutio,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35thy zesty words are a refreshing lemon wipe
0:13:35 > 0:13:37on my greasy fears!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Good. Right...
0:13:42 > 0:13:43See you, then.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45What a c...
0:13:52 > 0:13:54LAUGHTER
0:13:58 > 0:14:00CHEERING
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Diane...
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Diane!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Di...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Diane!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24- Diane!- What? I think your invisibility's worn off.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27LAUGHTER
0:14:27 > 0:14:28APPLAUSE
0:14:30 > 0:14:32HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARES
0:14:32 > 0:14:33Done!
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Nice! The detailing is dope!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Yeah, it's that new Miami Tungsten I was telling you about.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39It really makes the eyes pop.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Is that it? I wish you'd told me what size we were getting.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Why didn't you stop me?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46THICK AMERICAN ACCENT: First rule of the gang -
0:14:46 > 0:14:49gangsters don't tell other gangsters what to do.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51(Is the second rule to have a silly accent?)
0:14:51 > 0:14:52- What was that?- Nothing.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Now, the second,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- we're going to discuss what to do about this skateboard.- Longboard.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Whatever. But right now, I'm going to talk about hierarchy.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Let me lay it down. I'm at the top...
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I literally can't understand you with that accent.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Sorry, I thought it added something.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I was just saying I want to talk about hierarchy.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- I'm at the top. Tom answers to me. Ishmael, you answer to Tom.- Cool.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Ishmael, give me a handjob.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Overruled - if anything, he should give ME a handjob,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19but not now, or ever.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Fine.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Ishmael, get me a beer, but I want it warm.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28I always have my beers warm. That's my thing.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Yeah, same here. I like them hot though.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Hot beer is my thing.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Quite similar to mine.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Look who it is.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Everybody look tough. Ishmael...
0:15:40 > 0:15:43get my beer ready. HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Is that a school trip?- Don't know.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I'm pretty sure I saw the lanky one getting a handjob.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51HE SPITS BEER OUT Ugh! That's too hot, Ishmael!
0:15:55 > 0:15:56APPLAUSE
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Now...
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Please give it up for the only Frenchman
0:16:00 > 0:16:03we don't mind crossing our path, or should that be...
0:16:03 > 0:16:04croissant our path?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06GROANING
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I'll be in my dressing room. This is Marcel Lucont!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11APPLAUSE AND GENTLE PIANO MUSIC
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Well...
0:16:19 > 0:16:22time for a little bit of a cultural exchange.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26I will give to you some culture in the form of poetry.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29You will give to me your applause.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32LAUGHTER
0:16:32 > 0:16:35This is my ode...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38to erectile dysfunction.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39LAUGHTER
0:16:40 > 0:16:43"No Hard Feelings."
0:16:43 > 0:16:45APPLAUSE
0:16:52 > 0:16:53HE CLEARS THROAT
0:16:53 > 0:16:57What...is a man to do
0:16:57 > 0:17:00When the brush that stirs the glue
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Is no longer rigid oak
0:17:04 > 0:17:07But balsa left to soak?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Why...has man's best friend
0:17:13 > 0:17:15On whose posture you depend
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Chosen simply to bend...
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Not extend?
0:17:22 > 0:17:23If the blame
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Cannot be aimed
0:17:25 > 0:17:26At cocaine
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Or vats of wine
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Then it's time
0:17:30 > 0:17:32To concur...
0:17:32 > 0:17:33It is her!
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Women...do not be shocked
0:17:39 > 0:17:40A dick half-cocked
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Must not be mocked
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Perhaps the pocket snake
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Has an headache!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52He gets the blues
0:17:52 > 0:17:54When you refuse
0:17:54 > 0:17:57To kiss it better...
0:17:57 > 0:17:59When they occur
0:17:59 > 0:18:01At 5am
0:18:01 > 0:18:03And he taps you
0:18:06 > 0:18:08On the back
0:18:11 > 0:18:13For your assistance
0:18:16 > 0:18:18With persistence
0:18:22 > 0:18:23And you...
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Say...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26"No!"
0:18:27 > 0:18:29So...off he goes
0:18:29 > 0:18:31And from misuse
0:18:31 > 0:18:34He is disposed to self-abuse
0:18:36 > 0:18:38He sheds a milky tear
0:18:40 > 0:18:42And shrivels back
0:18:42 > 0:18:43In fear
0:18:48 > 0:18:49The way to the heart of a man
0:18:49 > 0:18:50I have read
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Is via the stomach
0:18:52 > 0:18:53Or so it is said
0:18:53 > 0:18:56But I put it to you that instead
0:18:56 > 0:18:58It is true there's an organ
0:18:58 > 0:19:00You have sadly forgotten
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Like the heart, during workouts
0:19:03 > 0:19:06It expands and contracts
0:19:06 > 0:19:08It is vital and blood-filled
0:19:08 > 0:19:10And prone to attacks
0:19:11 > 0:19:16And without proper care, it turns rotten!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19APPLAUSE
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Sarah, we've got so many costumes to make.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39- Please can we just say I've won? - No, I've still got £2 left.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42We've been playing the same game for two weeks!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44We started Cluedo five months ago, we still haven't finished that!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47I know it was Professor Plum, I just can't prove why.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49- Or Hungry, Hungry Hippos. - It's really, really hard!
0:19:49 > 0:19:51It's for five-to-ten year olds!
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- Oh, please, Lizzie!- Oh!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Community chest.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I have just won second prize in a beauty contest.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Out of two people.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Cos that joke never gets old(!)
0:20:07 > 0:20:08SHE SIGHS
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Ha! Go to jail, go directly to jail,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13do not pass go, do not collect £200!
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Well, we're never going to finish
0:20:15 > 0:20:17if you keep throwing the dice on the floor.
0:20:27 > 0:20:28You're late.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Sorry, Barry, I got stuck at Pall Mall.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Some idiot parked a ship in the middle of the road.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- How are you?- How am I?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Let me see...
0:20:38 > 0:20:40My husband's in jail and I'm mortgaged up to my eyeballs.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44- You used to be fun.- Try being fun
0:20:44 > 0:20:46when you're in debt to the electric company to the tune of £150!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I told you, all I've got to do is play the game
0:20:48 > 0:20:50and I'll be out of here soon.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Well, what if I don't want you any more, Barry?
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- What if I want something better? - Please, Cheryl, take a chance!
0:20:56 > 0:21:00No, I'm going to get myself out of this mess, and you want to know how?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03I'm going to land on Free Parking, and I'll be so filthy rich,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I'll buy the biggest property on Mayfair
0:21:05 > 0:21:07and everyone will come and stay in it
0:21:07 > 0:21:10and I'll call it the Big Red Hotel!
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Cheryl, don't leave me here, I've got nothing!
0:21:12 > 0:21:15It's game over, Barry.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Good luck.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Oh, Cheryl, you left your...
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Yes! I'm free, and I'm back in the game!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35- FROM STAGE:- Now sit back and enjoy Two Episodes of Mash!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37CHEERING
0:21:42 > 0:21:45SOMBRE ORGAN MUSIC
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Diane, come and have a look at this.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03LAUGHTER
0:22:09 > 0:22:12You do know the family are having an open coffin, don't you?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I've used permanent marker.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:24APPLAUSE
0:22:29 > 0:22:30CHEERING
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Ladies and gentlemen,
0:22:32 > 0:22:35he's a giant of a man and a legend in his own words,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37so please give it up for Bubba Duke!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39MOTORCYCLE REVS
0:22:39 > 0:22:41MUSIC: "Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)" by Limp Bizkit
0:22:41 > 0:22:43# Keep rollin', rollin', rollin''
0:22:43 > 0:22:46# Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'... #
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Whoa!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49# ..Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'
0:22:49 > 0:22:51# Keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin'
0:22:51 > 0:22:54# Keep rollin', rollin', rollin'... #
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Stop the music.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57You ladies fancy a ride?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59BOTH: Yeah, Bubba!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Well, take this in the car park, go have some fun.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Ladies and gentlemen, how we all doing?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- CHEERING - Can I get a yeehaw?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10AUDIENCE: Yeehaw!
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Can I get a Boom Town?!
0:23:13 > 0:23:14AUDIENCE: Boom Town!
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Ladies and gentlemen, you're very lucky tonight.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19You are in the presence of a musical god.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I'm a damn superstar.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- LAUGHTER - See, a few years back,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28I had a eureka moment.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32I had the idea of crossing and blending two kinds of music -
0:23:32 > 0:23:35country music and hip-hop...
0:23:35 > 0:23:38creating something I like to call...
0:23:38 > 0:23:39"Count"-hop.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:42 > 0:23:43I ain't lying, man.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46I ain't slept alone since...
0:23:47 > 0:23:49..which Noogie here ain't too happy about,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52but beggars can't be choosers. Am I right?
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Ladies and gentlemen, give it up to Noogie Carson.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Yes!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02He's a good guy. I love him, man, but he is irritating.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Hell, he's so irritating, thrush is afraid of catching him.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07LAUGHTER
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Yeah! Hellfire!
0:24:08 > 0:24:11I don't want to waste time talking about this piece of shit though.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:12 > 0:24:15I want to talk to you about something I couldn't live without.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Women.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21My world has three types of women.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Type number three...
0:24:23 > 0:24:24you got breeders.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Now, breeders are important women
0:24:26 > 0:24:30because they're the women who are going to carry and raise your kids.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33And they're worth every cent of child support you give them.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:37- Next up, you've got boilers. - LAUGHTER
0:24:37 > 0:24:40The boilers are the funny looking women of the world.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Yeah, they've got a funky nose,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44neck like a tortoise...
0:24:44 > 0:24:46maybe their whole face looks like a side of ham.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49LAUGHTER
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I don't mean to be offensive, ladies and gentlemen,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I realise if I was a lady, I'd be a boiler myself.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Lastly, you've got my favourite type of woman...
0:24:58 > 0:25:01the beautiful women, man,
0:25:01 > 0:25:02sweet-ass mamas,
0:25:02 > 0:25:03tweety birds,
0:25:03 > 0:25:05friggin' fly honeys...
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Tell me, Noogie, what do you call them?
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- I prefer...human being. - Oh, he's a sensitive kind.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14That's why he ain't getting no pussy.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16LAUGHTER
0:25:16 > 0:25:18I like to call them sticky rib women,
0:25:18 > 0:25:20because they're finger-lickin' good.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Hell, I could eat one just about now. Boom town!
0:25:24 > 0:25:28How you doing, friend? You got a song for us?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Yeah, I'm, uh...
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I got a song about my sister.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Oh, she was a good girl, man.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37It's a year since she passed and I...
0:25:39 > 0:25:40..I miss her, Bub.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42SOFT GUITAR MUSIC
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- # Hurt is on my sleeve - Say what, say what...?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49# I wasn't ready for you to leave
0:25:49 > 0:25:51# What? What? What?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55# Sister of a man
0:25:55 > 0:25:57# Oh, sister of a man
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# Lost in God's own mighty plan
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# I miss her big fat titties and her itty-bitty waist
0:26:06 > 0:26:09# Her tight little butt and her dirty filthy face
0:26:09 > 0:26:10# Gang bang's ain't the same
0:26:10 > 0:26:12# We all miss ya
0:26:12 > 0:26:15# Rest in peace, Noogie's dead sister. #
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- Yeah! - APPLAUSE
0:26:18 > 0:26:21I've been Bubba Duke. See you down the track!
0:26:21 > 0:26:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Bubba Duke, ladies and gentlemen! Yeah!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Woo!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Well, if you're gagging for more performance,
0:26:37 > 0:26:39you'll see we've laid our clips wide for you at...
0:26:41 > 0:26:45So from me and all four corners of the Electric Circuit, goodbye!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:50HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARES
0:26:51 > 0:26:53MUSIC STOPS
0:26:53 > 0:26:55IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, brother! Where's your bandana?
0:26:55 > 0:27:00Drop the accent, Tom. I found this in your drawer.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01You wrote the note, didn't you?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03There is no "Lighting Crew."
0:27:03 > 0:27:05There is! They stole my...
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I just don't understand why you would have made it all up.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I didn't! I just...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13I just...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17I just always wanted to be in a gang.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Sorry.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21It's cool.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23I actually quite enjoyed it while it lasted.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Plus, those lighting guys have always been dicks to me, so...
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I can't believe you broke my skateboard.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32I thought it was a longboard.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35- Where's Ishmael?- I don't know. I thought he went home.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37I never thought his heart was in it, anyway.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45This is for the longboard.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd