0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08- And this is the fuse box. Any questions?- Erm, yeah.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11- That was rhetorical. Never ask me any questions.- Hello, there!
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Tom. Should have told me we had models coming on set!
0:00:13 > 0:00:17I would have got my camera out and started taking photos.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19That was creepy. New technician, this is Tom.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20Tom, this is new technician.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23But you can call her "I don't give a shit what your name is,
0:00:23 > 0:00:26- "Cos you're my little bitch!" - That's no way to speak to a lady.
0:00:26 > 0:00:31- What's your real name? Let me guess. Jennifer Aniston?- It's Holly.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Ah, Holly.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Reminds me of, um...Christmas.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39What are you, erm... What are you asking for for Christmas?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Christmas? It's summer, I'm not sure yet.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Yeah, but if you had a gun to your head?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- I don't know. A new pair of roller blades.- Oh, you blade? Sick.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50It's called in-line skating, and she'll be getting a lump of coal
0:00:50 > 0:00:53and a P45 from me if she keeps standing around nattering!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Does that mean I'm on your naughty list?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57The funny thing is, he genuinely does have a naughty list.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59- Why is that funny? - Have you been reading my Filofax?
0:00:59 > 0:01:03- And he has a Filofax.- Oh, nice. Which type?- Spy edition.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Well, you should have turned the page, doofus,
0:01:05 > 0:01:07cos you would have seen a picture of a hand doing this.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11- Ooh, zing!- Well, check the next page, cos I got my hand doing this!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Why would you do that?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16I don't know.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Bye.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23Oh, my God. What a dork. It must be so hard being the cool one.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Yeah!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Hello! Hello! Welcome to Live at the Electric.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59What a show we have for you, you succulent bastards.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Loaded into the cannon of my mirth, character and sketch comedians
0:02:02 > 0:02:04who will not only make you pee yourself laughing,
0:02:04 > 0:02:08but fully shit yourself cackling in front of your mates.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11As you gaze upon that poo, dribbling down your legs,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13this in turn will provoke more laughter,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16setting in motion an infinite cycle of excrement and cackling,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19culminating with you finishing your days in a hospice
0:02:19 > 0:02:21for the comically insane.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22LAUGHTER
0:02:22 > 0:02:26That, ladies and gentlemen, is the definition of shits and giggles!
0:02:26 > 0:02:30# He's done an actual joke. # He's done an actual joke! #
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Now, all my friends are having kids.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I come from a community where people have children young,
0:02:35 > 0:02:36you know what I mean?
0:02:36 > 0:02:41At 16, if you haven't sprayed out a child you're considered infertile.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44"Everyone else got Leanne pregnant, why can't you be normal?"
0:02:44 > 0:02:48"Put your spliff down and go and get Leanne up the duff!"
0:02:48 > 0:02:50But my friends who are parents, I see them really struggling
0:02:50 > 0:02:53with this stage that my mum nailed so well.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56My mum gave me a gift when I was about six, seven months old -
0:02:56 > 0:03:00the gift of being truly unfussy.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03How many people watching this can say, "I eat everything?"
0:03:03 > 0:03:05How many people, if I invited you over for dinner going,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07"I just what to check, do you eat...?"
0:03:07 > 0:03:11You go, "Excuse me, do not speak, For I eat everything."
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Hardly any.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14There are some of you watching, going, "I eat most stuff,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17"I just don't like mushrooms. "Tomatoes aren't nice.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I don't eat green food. I literally just retch."
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Fussy fucks, right?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Now, let me tell you, it starts here,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26right here in the high chair, does it not?
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I'm seeing my friends doing it now,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30creating spoiled bastards before my very eyes.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33There's two types of children. There's not an in-between kid!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36There's the type of kid, "We're so lucky, Joshi just eats everything,
0:03:36 > 0:03:37"we can't believe how lucky we are.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39"If we're having a Sunday dinner, he has one.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42"We just put it in a food processor. After all, he's one of us,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44"why wouldn't he eat what we eat?"
0:03:44 > 0:03:47And then there's group two - "We can't get him to eat anything!
0:03:47 > 0:03:50"Nothing at all. We just give him Smarties at 4pm and a potato waffle!"
0:03:50 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Now, there'll be people watching going, "Very funny, look at all the childless people laughing.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58"And all those with kids not laughing. You think it's easy?"
0:03:58 > 0:04:01"You think you know what having kids is about, you Jedward-haired fuck?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05"You don't know how difficult it is. Some children just don't eat."
0:04:05 > 0:04:07"Some children literally won't eat."
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Bollocks! I'm sorry!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10LAUGHTER
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Unless your child has a physical fricking allergy to broccoli,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16you have failed - how about that for a statement?
0:04:16 > 0:04:17"No, you don't know what it's like!"
0:04:17 > 0:04:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:19 > 0:04:23"You don't know what it's like! You don't know what it's like!"
0:04:23 > 0:04:26"I tried, but it was like her whole body was rejecting vegetable."
0:04:26 > 0:04:28What utter bollocks! You never hear a Somalian baby,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31"Do you mind if we do not have grain today, Father?
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"I'm really sick of it. I'm going to starve to death instead."
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Never!
0:04:35 > 0:04:36LAUGHTER
0:04:36 > 0:04:38You'd eat what you're given, cos that's all there was!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Now, what do I know about having kids?
0:04:43 > 0:04:44I live on my own, with a pug,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Googling myself and masturbating, right?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:49How is it achieved? Some of you think,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52"How do you get your kids to eat broccoli, then, Mr Clever Clogs?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55"You can't just get a laugh and not give us practical information."
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I'll tell you how my mum did it. And it's not how some older people are thinking.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Leaving the food down as a punishment? That doesn't work.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Now I have an aversion to it. Not that. This.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07The food goes down - the home-cooked, real food, with real ingredients -
0:05:07 > 0:05:11and what's the consequences if the child doesn't want to eat it? None!
0:05:11 > 0:05:14There are no consequences. No dessert, that's about it, yeah?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16"I'm not going to eat it!" "Don't eat it, then."
0:05:16 > 0:05:18"What, really?" "Yeah, go on."
0:05:18 > 0:05:21"I'm going to go and play football, then. Wey hey hey!"
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Ah, how does it work? I'll tell you how it works.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27By day two or three, they're starting to get very hungry, yeah?
0:05:27 > 0:05:29- LAUGHTER - And by day four,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32aren't those Brussels sprouts looking fucking delicious?!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35"Give me some more of those, Momma, they taste good!"
0:05:35 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Right. They say two hands are better than one.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46And that's certainly true with a Thai massage.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Anyway, this is two episodes of MASH!
0:05:48 > 0:05:49APPLAUSE
0:06:18 > 0:06:20You're not bringing an owl on!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Fucking hell!
0:06:22 > 0:06:23LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:25APPLAUSE
0:06:30 > 0:06:31Now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:06:31 > 0:06:34it's time for the man who put the "ard" in "Spaniard".
0:06:34 > 0:06:36It's Antonio!
0:06:36 > 0:06:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:45 > 0:06:50Good evening, my lusty little gringos!
0:06:50 > 0:06:54It's me, Antonio, seduction expert.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56'Antonio...'
0:06:56 > 0:06:57'Antonio...'
0:06:57 > 0:06:58'Antonio...'
0:06:58 > 0:07:00'He's got massive balls...'
0:07:00 > 0:07:01LAUGHTER
0:07:01 > 0:07:05Yes! Being a serious player,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I like to live fast and dye my hair.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13As a result, I know everything there is to know about women.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18I love you, I care for you. Of course I remember your name!
0:07:18 > 0:07:24But what is my secret, huh? Me, I respect every woman.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28That is why I intend to fuck all of them!
0:07:28 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:32High five...myself!
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Tonight, I want to talk to you about the mind.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40'Brains... '
0:07:41 > 0:07:46You see, when seducing a woman, you must first stimulate her mind,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48then go sexy all over her body.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54In this way, you must engage with her on an intellectual plane,
0:07:54 > 0:07:59through discussion, thoughtful reflection, and gentle contemplation.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Only then can you really ball her.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:08And by "ball her" I mean, show her the utmost respect!
0:08:09 > 0:08:13But this all sounds like a lot of hard work, no? Do not worry.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I will show you a short cut.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23Why not seduce her with a beautiful, tender love song?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Unfortunately, I cannot play the guitar.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30LAUGHTER
0:08:30 > 0:08:34So, instead, I use subliminal messaging.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Subliminal!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:43APPLAUSE
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Now, in order for subliminal messaging to really, really work
0:08:51 > 0:08:56very well, it must be very subtle, but also very, very quick.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58For instance, if we were to offer a lady a light...
0:08:58 > 0:08:59CLICKS FINGERS
0:08:59 > 0:09:01..it would look perfectly innocent.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04But let's watch that again, in slow motion.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07She's going for her cigarette.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11But before I reach for my lighter, I show her my virility by removing
0:09:11 > 0:09:15my trousers very quickly and then rubbing lubricant all over my thighs!
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Oooooh!
0:09:17 > 0:09:22Oh, I'm so disgustingly passionate! Ooooh!
0:09:22 > 0:09:26She's still going for her cigarette, she has no idea what's going on!
0:09:26 > 0:09:30You can even perform a little dance. # Nachos, nachos, salsa, salsa!
0:09:30 > 0:09:32# Nachos, nachos, salsa, salsa! #
0:09:32 > 0:09:36And then, you light the cigarette.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Obviously, I am now naked.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39LAUGHTER
0:09:39 > 0:09:44But also, ready for lovemaking! And hey, it's definitely worked.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Look at her. She's so attracted to me, she's retching.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:52Don't worry, a little sick is normal.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Uhhhhh! Thank you!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Hey, and welcome back to Film Fizz!
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- Colin Firth, it's a pleasure to meet you.- No, the pleasure is all mine.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21- Mrs...?- Chris, Chris Kendall. - Mrs Chris Chris Kendall. Hello.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23You're Precious...
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Oh, well, thank you. Very kind.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27No, I mean YOU'RE Precious.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29All right, settle down, saucy boy.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31No, Colin, the movie.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34In the movie You're Precious, you play a man who's lost his wife
0:10:34 > 0:10:36and can't deal with the overwhelming guilt.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38How did you prepare for that?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I kicked a dog.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42You kicked a...?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45Yes, in the face. It made me feel terrible.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Isn't that a bit...wrong?
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Well, I once saw Ralph Fiennes throw a hamster over eight gardens,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55so I'm not the only rule-breaker!
0:10:55 > 0:10:57So, now that You're Precious is finished,
0:10:57 > 0:10:59what do you plan to do next?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03Well, I'm taking Judi Dench to Laser Tag at 4:30.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Can you believe she's never been?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08I meant, there are rumours that you're going to be in the new
0:11:08 > 0:11:10Bridget Jones movie. Can you tell us anything about that?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Well, it's a very popular movie series,
0:11:13 > 0:11:17- so I can't say too much or I'll get into trouble.- That's a shame.
0:11:17 > 0:11:18So, with the movie...
0:11:18 > 0:11:21I could act out a little bit of it, if you wanted.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24That would be absolutely fantastic. Thank you.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Bridget was a fantastic friend and an amazing wife.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31In her short time on this planet,
0:11:31 > 0:11:34she improved the lives of everyone she met.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Erm, Colin, I think...
0:11:36 > 0:11:40She lived with no regrets. That's why she was zorbing in the first place.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42May she rest in peace.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- Stop. Stop, Colin. Stop, stop. - Come on!- Turn the cameras off.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Come on, that's not a bloody spoiler!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I didn't say anything about the AIDS monkey!
0:11:50 > 0:11:51LAUGHTER
0:11:51 > 0:11:53APPLAUSE
0:11:56 > 0:11:58'Film Fizz! How good is that?' >
0:11:58 > 0:12:01And now, a woman who redefines the term "Northern Star"
0:12:01 > 0:12:02so comprehensively,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05they've removed all references to astronomy in its Wikipedia page.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Make some noise for Lucy Beaumont!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Hello! I'm Lucy, I'm from Hull.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22SCATTERED CHEERING
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Do you know what annoys me, right?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Do you know on Britain's Got Talent, or X Factor, when they go,
0:12:28 > 0:12:32"Oh, no, you poor thing, you work in a supermarket." Right?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36I used to work in a supermarket, there's nothing wrong with it.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I used to work in ASDA, on cooked chickens,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42with a woman called Val who beat someone up with her front teeth.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44LAUGHTER
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I know. Has anybody here ever worked with cooked chickens?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49SCATTERED CHEERS
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Right, well, do you know what? You can't get rid of the smell.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54We asked for danger money, cos on three separate occasions.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I got chased home by a big dog.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58LAUGHTER
0:12:58 > 0:13:02When I was still at school, I worked in a working man's club.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05And what I had to do was when they brought,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08you know, all the really elderly ones in?
0:13:10 > 0:13:14I had to get a cig and put it in their mouth, like that,
0:13:14 > 0:13:18and then light it for them, like that. And they'd go...
0:13:18 > 0:13:21And they'd smoke it all in one go.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22LAUGHTER Like that.
0:13:22 > 0:13:28And then I had to get an ashtray and put it under their chin and go...
0:13:30 > 0:13:33So ASDA was a step up, really.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36And we had a great team-building exercise in the staff room
0:13:36 > 0:13:39called "the sudden deaths lottery".
0:13:39 > 0:13:44What you had to do was pick an elderly regular customer,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47and if they died that month, you got the kitty.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:52But do you know what else annoys me, right? The media.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Do you know like in adverts and stuff,
0:13:54 > 0:13:58like, now it's all about trying to look young, in't it?
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Right, do you know what my advice is? Just lie about your age.
0:14:02 > 0:14:06Cos I'm 28 and I tell everybody I'm 43.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:07 > 0:14:09And they're shocked.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11They always say, "Wow, how do you do it?"
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I say, "Well, I just added on 15."
0:14:14 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I tell you something else that annoys me, as well.
0:14:18 > 0:14:22In the papers and stuff, when they say people on benefits are lazy.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26Right, excuse me, everybody I know on the dole has got a job
0:14:26 > 0:14:27and they work really hard.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29LAUGHTER
0:14:29 > 0:14:30APPLAUSE
0:14:33 > 0:14:37And it was the media that said Hull was the roughest city
0:14:37 > 0:14:40in the whole of the UK. And it was really damaging to Hull.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Right, it's not.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46The only time I've ever been assaulted was on a train near Oxford.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47I know.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52Right, a gang of youths got on and parted a chocolate Wagon Wheel
0:14:52 > 0:14:55and stuck it to my forehead when I was asleep.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:15:01And no-one told me. I woke up and I thought someone had shat on my face.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Thank you.
0:15:04 > 0:15:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:20 > 0:15:26- Does thou find me still... tasty, Daveutio?- My love, tasty?
0:15:26 > 0:15:31- Thou are more crumpet than a Warburton's factory!- Bullshitter!
0:15:31 > 0:15:36No, I desire thee as all of Girls Aloud combined.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39The ginger one removed.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43I'm not sweet ginger to thee, I am the sour cardamom pod which
0:15:43 > 0:15:48- floats uninvited in the quick-cook pilau of thy passions.- Oi, cluck not!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Though art the tender tikka.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54My ticker beats in symmetrical spasms with thy succulent nuggets.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Though art Shashlik - a sizzler.
0:15:58 > 0:16:04Thus do I go, firmly, into the chutney of thy passions
0:16:04 > 0:16:08and serve myself draped, with that little unnecessary bag of salad,
0:16:08 > 0:16:10upon the scalding platter of thy love.
0:16:10 > 0:16:15Thy words have made me brighter than Ed Sheeran's skin with sunburn!
0:16:15 > 0:16:16Ooh!
0:16:16 > 0:16:17HE LAUGHS
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Please mind my plate.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Tis very hot.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Shut up!
0:16:25 > 0:16:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:29 > 0:16:33- How's that?- I literally hadn't realised you'd started.
0:16:33 > 0:16:38- This is why I only get massages from men.- Whooooh! What a massive rush!
0:16:38 > 0:16:41I am buzzing. What's this? Wouldn't mind one of those.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- How much do you charge?- I'm doing it for free, I'm not a whore.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Yeah, well, looks great. You lucky...dick.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50It's actually remarkably average.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I'm prone to jizz during massage, and I haven't got so much as a semi.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Next time. I like a challenge!
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- Are you wearing rollerblades?- Yeah, why? Are you not?- Yeah, of course.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05- It's a Friday, I'm going directly to the park.- Well...so am I.- Really?
0:17:05 > 0:17:10- I haven't seen you there. What crew are you in?- The...Samurais?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Not bad. I thought they were based in Warwick.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16So, Holly, what kind of music do you like?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18I really like Scouting For Girls.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Oh, I'm talking about the band, not the activity!
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Don't get it. What do you like, Tom?
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Smashing Pumpkins, and I'm talking about the activity, not the band.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- HOLLY LAUGHS - What? OK, well, what kind of films do you like, Holly?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I saw The Hangover the other day. Really funny.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- Reminds me of my mates. - Not really my thing.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- Oh! Hangover II's arrived. - Oh, my God, I love that film!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Unbelievable! OK, fine. Tom, what's your favourite food?
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- "That's one spicy meatball!" Italian!- Oh, yes, please!
0:17:41 > 0:17:43"Then maybe you'll like my pizza..."
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Why?- Don't know, I thought you were being a bit racist.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53APPLAUSE
0:17:58 > 0:18:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:03 > 0:18:05- Er, I'm Joe, this is Diane.- Hello.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09Er, we're going to do, erm...
0:18:09 > 0:18:11CHEERING
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- ..do sketches. Er...- Get on with it!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Oh! Cool. Er, can we...?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Can we put up the, er, bricks in a line thing?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- Wall. It's called a wall. - That's perfect.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27- It's called a what?- Wall!- Is it?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- A wall...- Get a shitting move on!
0:18:32 > 0:18:33What is your fucking problem?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Well, if you must know, I've got a chicken Kiev in the oven.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I'm worried it's going to burn.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Well, I didn't know that, did I?
0:18:47 > 0:18:48LAUGHTER
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Why didn't, why didn't you say something?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I didn't want to worry you!
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Can we, er, can we check the webcam, please?- What webcam?
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I set up a webcam, so...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59LAUGHTER
0:18:59 > 0:19:02..so I could watch the chicken Kiev cooking while we did the sketch.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06LAUGHTER
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Looks fine!- Oh, that's a relief!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- Shall we do the sketch? - You're a worrier!- Yeah, I know.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- Here you go.- Oh!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- You sure this is Cinderella's? - Yeah, yeah.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Yeah, she dropped it when her carriage turned into a pumpkin.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- That was weird, wasn't it? - Fucking weird!- Yeah.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42- So, what do you want with a slipper? - I'm going to use it to find her.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- Well, how?- You know, er...
0:19:47 > 0:19:49LAUGHTER
0:19:54 > 0:19:56LAUGHTER
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Who... Whoever it fits...
0:20:02 > 0:20:03..is her.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05LAUGHTER
0:20:05 > 0:20:09It's just a standard size five, it's going to fit loads of people.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I could give it to her, if you like. She lives with me.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- Oh, that would be easier. - Yeah. She's my sister sort of slash cleaner.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Oh, right, yeah. You're obviously one of the Ugly Sisters.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19I beg your fucking pardon?
0:20:19 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:25Getting late, innit? Past bloody midnight! Where's these cabs?
0:20:25 > 0:20:29- What did you call me? - Bloody...cabs.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32What did you call me?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Say it.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39Ugly Sister.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- But I thought you knew that's what people called you!- People?!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43What do you mean, "people"?!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48That is charming, that is!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51HE LAUGHS Charming!
0:20:51 > 0:20:52LAUGHTER
0:20:52 > 0:20:54What?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56It's what people call me, Prince Charming.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57You have got to be joking!
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- No, no.- Did you give yourself that nickname?- Ye-e-e-es.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- BEEPING - My chicken Kiev!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11'How good was that? I like those guys.' >
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Ow!
0:21:16 > 0:21:17Ow!
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- Ow! You keep stabbing me. - Sorry. I'm not wearing my glasses.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- You don't wear glasses! - It's just an expression!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28You don't have to take everything so literally!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Ow, you hurt me!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33You don't have to take everything so literally. Oh, why are you such...
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Oh, why are you such...
0:21:34 > 0:21:38- You're seriou...- You're seriou... - Coping what I'm...- Coping what I'm...
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Wish there was a way to turn your sound off.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44PIANO MUSIC
0:22:26 > 0:22:27No-o-o-o!
0:22:39 > 0:22:41If you'd just held still.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45Aaah!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49If the French upset you,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52it's time to forgive and baguette.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54LAUGHTER
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I will kill myself after the show.
0:22:56 > 0:22:57LAUGHTER
0:22:57 > 0:22:59It's Marcel Lucont!
0:23:01 > 0:23:02APPLAUSE
0:23:10 > 0:23:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:19 > 0:23:26I am Marcel Lucont, flaneur, raconteur, bon viveur.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Age? None of your business.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Marital status? Single.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38Although I like to think of myself as part of a multi-pack.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Favourite type of woman?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Twins.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Religious views? Nihilist.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57It's a good way to be.
0:23:57 > 0:24:03If you are a nihilist, life signifies nothing, and then we die.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Welcome to the comedy show.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09LAUGHTER
0:24:09 > 0:24:14Religion is a strange thing. Last night I was dating a Christian woman.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17As someone who believed in Adam and Eve,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I queried her choice of spare ribs.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER
0:24:24 > 0:24:27So we are in bed and I said to her as a joke,
0:24:27 > 0:24:32"Oh, so you believe in sex before marriage?" as a joke.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Turns out, she was married.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36LAUGHTER
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Apparently, this is OK in the eye of God.
0:24:38 > 0:24:43A person said to me, "Marcel, grow up, be more adult."
0:24:43 > 0:24:47Apparently, adultery does not count.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:51It is said that the French hate the British.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53It's simply not true -
0:24:53 > 0:24:56we chose largely to ignore you.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:25:02But the British, they are a bizarre species, you cannot talk of death.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Oh, no, no, if someone is dead, oh, you say they are "late".
0:25:06 > 0:25:08"The late so-and-so."
0:25:08 > 0:25:12If someone is dead, say they are dead.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15"Oh, I hear Davide cannot attend the party tonight."
0:25:15 > 0:25:17"No, he is late."
0:25:18 > 0:25:20"How late is he?"
0:25:21 > 0:25:22"Quite late."
0:25:22 > 0:25:24LAUGHTER
0:25:24 > 0:25:28I would not reserve any hors d'oeuvre for him if I were you.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30So, who has been to France?
0:25:30 > 0:25:31CHEERING
0:25:31 > 0:25:36A small fact about Paris before I go. Voila.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40If you were to dismantle the Tour Eiffel
0:25:40 > 0:25:47and place every piece of metal end to end in a north west direction,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50the Parisians would be really pissed off.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51LAUGHTER
0:25:51 > 0:25:53It's a fact.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57If you have the manpower or the willpower, do it for me.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00See the look on their arrogant faces.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:02A bientot.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:08 > 0:26:10< 'Merci, Marcel!'
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Now, if we've moistened your appetite for more, delve deep
0:26:14 > 0:26:19into our comedy folds and flick our clips at bbc.co.uk/bbcthree.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Me and the Electrolyte Acolytes hope to see you again soon.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Goodbye!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Hey, man, you all right locking up?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36- Me and Holly are going to the skate park. Will we see you there?- No.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- Are you going to take her back to yours afterwards?- Yes.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- All right, you don't have to rub it in my face.- What do you mean?
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Look, I get it. She chose you, not me.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46I guess it was a case of the weirder man won.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- To be honest, you two are made for each other.- Wait...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52you don't think me and Holly are...?
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Oh, gross! Dude! She's my sister!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Wh... What? But...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Whoa, she's quite flirty with you.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Who's flirty with him? I'll kill 'em!
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Only joking!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05So, are you coming with me, or are you going to give me a head start?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09- I'll give you a five minute lead. You're going to need it.- Thanks.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Dead arm!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15HOLLY LAUGHS
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Dude, don't look so upset. Between me and you, you dodged a bullet.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23She is a serious duvet-hogger!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Later.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd