0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains adult humour
0:00:04 > 0:00:06So these are gobos, pulleys, flats, the fire access where there's
0:00:06 > 0:00:08- a smoking area, AKA Slackers Corner.- Right.
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Now, I was 17 once too. I know what it's like,
0:00:10 > 0:00:14you're doing an internship and half the time you want to sneak off
0:00:14 > 0:00:16and just read a cheeky chapter of your book.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18- Or smoke.- Yep, that's what I meant.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Erm...more gobos. This is the intercom for the acts,
0:00:21 > 0:00:23so you just say, "Russell to the stage, please."
0:00:23 > 0:00:27But not yet, obviously. That would be a disaster.
0:00:27 > 0:00:28So that's...pretty much it.
0:00:28 > 0:00:32Oh, and if someone offers you a prostitute ignore him, that's my colleague Tom.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36- I told him you was 17 and he's assumed you're a...- A virgin!
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Yeah! Yeah! "This is horrible! You smell bad!"
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Bet you never heard that before, kid.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Don't worry, it's going to happen.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- Is that what girls say to you? - Why, what they say to you?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50"Oh, your pubes are really soft."
0:00:50 > 0:00:53- Gross!- Hey...nice to meet you.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57My friends call me Tom, my girlfriends call me...all the time.
0:00:57 > 0:01:01- Are you...supervising? - Supervising getting you laid.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- I don't really...- Of course, you haven't mashed your cherry yet.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Getting laid is a sex phrase, they're kind of my forte.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09I also came up with hugging a chubby, getting your turkey dirty,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11and my favourite shagariffic.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Just so you know, I've had...sex.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Everybody thinks they've had sex when they're 17, dude.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18I'm afraid there's still a lot to learn.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I only found out the other day that you don't have to put both your balls in.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23- One is more than enough. - ELECTRICITY SPARKS
0:01:38 > 0:01:40APPLAUSE
0:01:49 > 0:01:51This is Live at the Electric!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:55This is our hospital of hilarity,
0:01:55 > 0:01:58fully stocked with surgical instruments of mirth,
0:01:58 > 0:02:02the callipers of character and the scalpels of sketch.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05And wielding them all, it's me - the pretend surgeon,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07the charlatan with an eBay diploma
0:02:07 > 0:02:10abusing my position until I'm exposed by the authorities.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14"I think I've got a headache. Show me your fanny."
0:02:14 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER
0:02:15 > 0:02:17"It might be connected."
0:02:17 > 0:02:21In my experience headaches and lack of fanny usage are connected, anyway.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:27I don't mean to start off on such a divisive gender note, but the reason I do a lot of...
0:02:27 > 0:02:30I'm not like the old-school comics going, "Men and women are so different."
0:02:30 > 0:02:33No, I'm not doing that, it's just that men and women watch comedy different.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Women are easier to entertain. How about that, ladies? Give yourself a round of applause.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- Yeah. - APPLAUSE
0:02:39 > 0:02:42They are. Women of any age can turn up a stand-up gig,
0:02:42 > 0:02:46can watch it in their lounge and I know I got the chance. Even if they go, "I didn't like it at first."
0:02:46 > 0:02:49I know I can convert you. Whereas men, "If I don't like him in the beginning,
0:02:49 > 0:02:53"I won't like him at the end, I don't him like on Radio 1!" "It's not him, Dad."
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"I don't care who it is, I don't like him. I don't like the way he moves.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58"He says he's got a girlfriend, but I think he's one of 'em."
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- Hey. - APPLAUSE
0:03:01 > 0:03:04They're impossible to convert.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- APPLAUSE - Whereas women... There'll be many women dragged into their lounges
0:03:08 > 0:03:10watching Live at the Electric going, "I don't..."
0:03:10 > 0:03:13And they'll be converted. You're going, "Who is this guy is?"
0:03:13 > 0:03:15And by the end of it going, "Do you know what,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18"I didn't really understand all of it, but I really like his energy."
0:03:18 > 0:03:21All right. I mean, gentlemen, this isn't just a glib point.
0:03:21 > 0:03:26Do you know the only reason they can find that we die five years before women is because of this very point.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29How many happy old men do you see? How many?!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32And when you do, you point him out. "Look at that old man in a good mood!"
0:03:32 > 0:03:35He's like, I'm in me 80s, I do my exercises in the morning.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39" have a teaspoon of honey for breakfast. I just always look on the positive side."
0:03:39 > 0:03:42That's why he's lived till he's 90! Can't you see that, gentlemen?
0:03:42 > 0:03:47The more affectionate you are as a man, the more emotionally connected you are, the longer you will live.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Depressing news, eh, gentlemen?
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Most men all of their happiness used up by 25-30.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Just think how happy you were when you were 14. "Is that a wasp? Why is my wee so yellow?"
0:03:55 > 0:03:58LAUGHTER
0:03:58 > 0:04:01By the time you get to 21, "I'm still quite happy, I like being out the lads."
0:04:01 > 0:04:0630, starting to get miserable. 40, "Yeah, I don't really have friends any more. I don't fancy..."
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Less hugs, less kisses, less connection. Retired,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12chair in the corner that stinks of piss, heart attack, dead.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15APPLAUSE
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Men are THINKING themselves to death.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22What a depressing statistic, gentlemen.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24You can see a man gives up, their hair freezes,
0:04:24 > 0:04:26if they're lucky enough to keep their hair.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30It freezes into whatever style they had when they were about 30.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34"My musical tastes are frozen, my political views are frozen, my hair is frozen.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37"Everything's frozen, nothing has changed. Retired, heart attack, death." Right?
0:04:37 > 0:04:42Leaving a generation of women in their 50s and 60s pretending to grieve.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46- "How will I survive without the miserable bastard?" - LAUGHTER
0:04:46 > 0:04:48"I've suddenly got self-confidence and hobbies.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52"Oh, no, there's no-one to put me down when I send off for my provisional. Goodbye, Barry."
0:04:52 > 0:04:54APPLAUSE
0:04:56 > 0:04:59That's the sound of female clapping and it's...ugly!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01APPLAUSE
0:05:01 > 0:05:05Now, when I'm crying out for my aerobic culture fix,
0:05:05 > 0:05:10I simply blend a power smoothie of blank Shakespearean verse and neatly shredded Essex roots.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12This is The Only Way Is Shakespeare.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:19 > 0:05:23Dave lives with Sharon and doth make her life hell.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26He's a bellend, that's why.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28But our tale shall be told.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Thou art my slave and thou wilt obey me.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Daveutio...prematurely I am home!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Undone.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- Again.- Maximus...!
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- Early back, my forward love?- Love?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Thou hast traversed thy love.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Taken the sex out of Essex and placed it at another's bum!
0:05:52 > 0:05:54This trollop, nay!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58We are innocent as smoothies of these crimes you insert up us.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I swear down by my hot helmet.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Speak not of the helmet you are, for the bellend tolls for thy demise.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Wanker!
0:06:06 > 0:06:11My mother approaches and trust me, Dave, these peelings will not chime well with her.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15- What?!- Thou hast a gay slave upon our corner couch.
0:06:15 > 0:06:22- Hmm.- The very sofa which she had lovingly thieved from the DFS warehouse in Basildon!
0:06:22 > 0:06:23SHE GASPS
0:06:23 > 0:06:27Daveutio! Burst again!
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Thou art Abu Hamza with a child's balloon!
0:06:31 > 0:06:36- Nay, HRT Gorgon, 'tis not what it seems.- Yeah, what 'tis then?
0:06:38 > 0:06:44- Prick!- Princess girl, go fetch thy moody Prada bag, the one from Monday market bought,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47pray stuff it with thy Claire Accessory trinkets
0:06:47 > 0:06:52and sprint thou from this place with more speed than an amphetamine dealer. Go!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- SHE GASPS - Twice treacherous!
0:06:56 > 0:07:04I knew him false! He is a man so double-dealing that he would hide a man inside another man.
0:07:04 > 0:07:10Ooh! Thou spreads lies as Kraft Triangles on a chav's toast.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Look, Elainia, milk Harry for the truth.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Explain...thin nymph.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Spurt thou.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Shut up.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:28 > 0:07:32We are contractually obliged to use some good looking people in the show.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- LAUGHTER - Now, our next regal act is so blue blooded,
0:07:36 > 0:07:39she finds television sanitary towel adverts too graphically realistic.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42That's right, ladies and gentlemen, it's Chastity Butterworth.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45APPLAUSE
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Oh, Gosh! Oh!
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Oh! Ooh!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Oooh! Tick-tock.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Oh...good evening. Hello.
0:07:56 > 0:08:01Here I am, Chastity Butterworth, your one-woman variety act.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06So...here we are. Another day, another almighty come down.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08LAUGHTER
0:08:08 > 0:08:14I was at Margaret and David's squat party last night and I got my grams and ounces muddled up again.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER Oopsy-poopsy!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19LAUGHTER
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Silly old me.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25So I've been buzzing off my badger since last night.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27LAUGHTER
0:08:27 > 0:08:34But am now rapidly plummeting into the let's-just-end-it-all phase of proceedings.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39And I found myself now in a rather contemplative mood.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I can't feel my face. LAUGHTER
0:08:42 > 0:08:48And so...I have been reflecting upon the unwritten rules of society,
0:08:48 > 0:08:52such as don't get smashed off your snatch at a Bar Mitzvah
0:08:52 > 0:08:57and try and sneak a peek at a circumcised penis.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58LAUGHTER
0:08:58 > 0:09:01It looked like a tiny, tired Darth Vader.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03LAUGHTER
0:09:03 > 0:09:08Don't sit on dogs...even if you think they can take your weight.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:12They can't.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15LAUGHTER He's fine now.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18And...when making use of a public toilet,
0:09:18 > 0:09:23one must never, ever make an audible plop sound...
0:09:23 > 0:09:26LAUGHTER
0:09:26 > 0:09:28..yes, when depositing a number two.
0:09:28 > 0:09:34Now, for example, the other day I was out having fun in Primark,
0:09:34 > 0:09:37to use a popular oxymoron.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39LAUGHTER
0:09:39 > 0:09:43And I suddenly found myself desperate for a poo.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46And...I dashed to the nearest MacDonald's
0:09:46 > 0:09:54and upon arrival there was only one cubicle working and a whole sea of desperate ladies.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59I thought, "Gosh ! I'm going to be in the pooing limelight," if you will.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03A quick scan of the room showed me that the hot hairdryer was broken.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07I thought, "Gosh that's one...plop-muffling device down.
0:10:07 > 0:10:13"Yes. Yes. Think. Think. What would Jason Bourne do?"
0:10:13 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:23"Right, right. What I shall do is I shall line the bowl with toilet paper...and have a coughing fit."
0:10:23 > 0:10:28However, I hadn't taken into account
0:10:28 > 0:10:32that it might be what mother likes to call...
0:10:32 > 0:10:34a surprise spitter.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37LAUGHTER
0:10:37 > 0:10:39I can't even look at you.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42We've all been there.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45And...when I emerged from the cubicle
0:10:45 > 0:10:51the mood in the holding area had changed somewhat.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53From one of desperation to one of politesse.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57"After you," they were saying. "Oh, no, no, no, after you.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59"Mine's gone back up."
0:10:59 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Thank you. Thank you so much.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Thank you. Oh, gosh! Thank you. APPLAUSE
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Oh, heavens! APPLAUSE
0:11:13 > 0:11:16I didn't mean to cheat on my girlfriend, but I did, accidentally.
0:11:16 > 0:11:21Sarah's left me, so I need her to see how sorry I am.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24I'll do anything to get her back.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Honesty is the most important part of a relationship.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30I made a mistake so I had to be honest about it.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32I don't blame Sarah for dumping me,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35I'd have done exactly the same thing in her position.
0:11:35 > 0:11:40But, you know, I love her and I want us to be back together.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42When I cheated on Sarah, I humiliated her.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46If I want to get her back, I have to humiliate myself even more.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52Er...excuse me.
0:11:52 > 0:11:58Hi, guys. You can come much closer. Cos if you come in... I need, like... I need a bunch of people.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02Just come in a little bit closer. A few more of you.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Thank you very much.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08This here is a picture of my girlfriend, Sarah.
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Three weeks ago, I actually cheated on her. It was an accident.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17I'm really sorry. Like, I was drunk. It wasn't supposed to happen.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20But Sarah didn't actually see it that way and she broke up with me.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I know what I did was wrong.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I accept what I did was wrong, OK?
0:12:25 > 0:12:28But...I love her very much
0:12:28 > 0:12:31and I'll just do anything for us to be back together.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34So now I'm going to do something in front of you guys
0:12:34 > 0:12:38that hopefully shows everybody exactly what she means to me.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Thanks, guys. Thanks for your time.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Any questions at all?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25OK, thank you.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27LOUD-HAILER FEEDS BACKS
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Yeah, it was really embarrassing, you know, but hopefully...she appreciates it.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37I don't really know what else I can do. So...
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I've just got to wait for her to call me.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Cheers, guys, thanks.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Cheers.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47APPLAUSE
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Luke McQueen in his quest to get Sarah back.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57Now please welcome a woman so angry and unpredictable
0:13:57 > 0:14:01she put the temper and mental into the temperamental.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02It's Loretta Maine!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:10 > 0:14:12SHE LAUGHS
0:14:12 > 0:14:15Hi there. Sorry, I've been drinking!
0:14:15 > 0:14:17LAUGHTER
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I know, I shouldn't because you shouldn't drink before going on the stage,
0:14:20 > 0:14:24but I love wine! I'm a big fan of wine.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Yeah. Do you like white wine?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28You a fan of it?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30You're not scared of the White Wine Witch?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33You know the White Wine Witch, right?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36She's got loads of opinions and then she starts to cry.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38LAUGHTER
0:14:38 > 0:14:41You know the White Wine Witch, like, one bottle fine,
0:14:41 > 0:14:44two bottles wild, three bottles under the table!
0:14:44 > 0:14:49Crying that no-one understands her while she finishes leftover dips with her fingers.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51SHE SOBS
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I don't even like guacamole!
0:14:55 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:14:59MUSIC STARTS
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Got to keep your eye on the White Wine Witch,
0:15:01 > 0:15:06cos if you can't see her... it's probably you.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09# I'm so much fun at parties Everybody stares
0:15:09 > 0:15:13# When I stumble in the room No-one else can compare
0:15:13 > 0:15:17# I'm crazy and I'm cute The little eyes swish
0:15:17 > 0:15:21# It's bottle number three now I'm the White Wine Witch
0:15:21 > 0:15:22SHE GROANS SEXUALLY
0:15:22 > 0:15:26# Witchy, witchy, witchy, witchy White Wine Witch
0:15:26 > 0:15:29# Witchy, witchy, witchy, witchy White Wine Witch
0:15:29 > 0:15:33# Oh, life is such a thrill when you're down in Blossom Hill
0:15:33 > 0:15:35# Nice to meet you
0:15:35 > 0:15:38# I'm the White Wine Witch!
0:15:38 > 0:15:42# It gets to 9pm We start playing Truth or Dare?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44# I tell Fat Tim that's what we call him
0:15:44 > 0:15:46# And strip to my underwear
0:15:46 > 0:15:48# Apparently it's not voluntary
0:15:48 > 0:15:50# Some girl calls me a bitch
0:15:50 > 0:15:54# But I give her the finger Cos I'm the White Wine Witch
0:15:54 > 0:15:55SHE GROANS SEXUALLY
0:15:55 > 0:15:59# Witchy, witchy, witchy, witchy White Wine Witch
0:15:59 > 0:16:02# Witchy, witchy, witchy, witchy White Wine Witch
0:16:02 > 0:16:06# I'm clinging to the wall cos I've been down in Echo Falls
0:16:06 > 0:16:10# You can't call me out I'm the White Wine Witch
0:16:12 > 0:16:16# It's 1am in a car park I'm in a skip but I'm fine
0:16:18 > 0:16:23# There's blood on my shirt But it's OK, it's not mine
0:16:23 > 0:16:28# I stumble over the edge Fat Tim is waiting I see
0:16:28 > 0:16:32# He says, "Who you calling fat?" Before sitting on me
0:16:32 > 0:16:34Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
0:16:34 > 0:16:38# Witchy, witchy, witchy, witchy White Wine Witch
0:16:38 > 0:16:41# Witchy, witchy, witchy, witchy White Wine Witch
0:16:41 > 0:16:45# Try to order takeaway Silenced by Oyster Bay
0:16:45 > 0:16:48# You can't tear me away
0:16:48 > 0:16:50# I'm...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Erm...
0:16:53 > 0:16:55SHE SIGHS
0:16:56 > 0:16:59SHE SOBS LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:02You know who I am!
0:17:03 > 0:17:10# I'm the White Wine Witch! #
0:17:10 > 0:17:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:21 > 0:17:22Loretta Maine!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24CHEERING
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Only the women clapping.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30All of the men...remembering.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31LAUGHTER
0:17:31 > 0:17:34- OK, here she comes. More gel? - I think I've got enough.- Fine.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Oh...hi, Linda.
0:17:41 > 0:17:48See, now without even realising it she has an image of me and a dick all day, guaranteed sex.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- Now you try.- It's all right, I'm pretty tied up.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56Dude, the only thing that's going to get tied up is our tongues from all the French kissing.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- I'm not going to kiss you! - I didn't mean with me.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Why is there a horse shit all over backstage?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- Girls love guys on horses. - So there's a horse here?- No.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- Couldn't afford the horse, just the shit.- Clean it up.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17You're up horn-dog. Might get lucky on the way.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Anything else, cock-blocker?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Stop saying stuff like that! He thinks you're a pervert.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- Apparently, you keep putting lipstick on him.- It's called being metrosexual.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29And, FYI, he doesn't like you either.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Said you had a fat arse, like a 40-year-old woman's.
0:18:32 > 0:18:37Hence your new nickname, Mrs Fat Arse and Bootylicious.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Oh, no, I hope they don't write it on my locker. You should do some work.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Fine...but if the tool belt's a-clinking
0:18:44 > 0:18:47it is what you're thinking.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I'm having sex.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51How you doing?
0:18:54 > 0:18:59Now it's time to meet Ivy and Maurice who stay in during Halloween
0:18:59 > 0:19:02and then finish the night with more sweets than when it started.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04It's The Twins Macabre.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:17 > 0:19:19My name is Ivy Macabre.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I have conversed with long dead souls
0:19:21 > 0:19:25and I have bathed in the blood of ancient warriors.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27This is my brother Maurice.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30I've got hayfever.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER
0:19:36 > 0:19:39It's a very special day today, it's our birthday,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42and all of our friends are coming so everything has to be perfect.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47Now, Maurice, in the party bags should we have razor blades or poisoned jelly babies?
0:19:49 > 0:19:53All of our friends have arrived and some new faces.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54We're so popular.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56Ivy, this is Captain Lipstick.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00"This is my son. I want some cake!"
0:20:00 > 0:20:02This is Mick Hucknall.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05"All right?" LAUGHTER
0:20:05 > 0:20:09- You know Steve from next door.- Of course I know Steve from next door.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Oh, that really is Steve from next door.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Hello, Steve.- "I've been dying to come to your party."
0:20:15 > 0:20:20"Oh, I've been dead excited to meet you."
0:20:20 > 0:20:22"I hope I don't lose my head?"
0:20:22 > 0:20:25"Or get hung up on an meat hook and bleed to death."
0:20:25 > 0:20:27THEY LAUGH
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Maurice, right hand, red!
0:20:34 > 0:20:36HE GROANS
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Steve, right foot, yellow.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43STEVE SCREAMS
0:20:50 > 0:20:53APPLAUSE
0:20:53 > 0:20:56The Twins Macabre!
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Well, well, well, what can I say about our next acts?
0:21:00 > 0:21:05Energy, vivacity, personability, enthusiasm.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07All these things are on their to-do list.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09It's Two Episodes of Mash!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11CHEERING
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- Hello. ALL:- Hello.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- Er...I'm Joe this is...Diane. - Diane.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- ALL:- Hello, Diane. - Hello.- Hello.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Hello.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36LAUGHTER
0:21:36 > 0:21:38We're back for the third series!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:41 > 0:21:44They didn't want us back, but we're stronger than we look.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52Oh, we've got a green screen again, which we can project stuff on.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- But it's shit.- It's really shit.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- It's not really working properly. - I think the problem's the aerial.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- It's the aerial, do you reckon? - Yeah, I'll try it.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09OK, can we have a picture of...I don't know, a fat policeman.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12No, that's the... LAUGHTER
0:22:12 > 0:22:15No, it's not him.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17That's better, it's not right.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19LAUGHTER
0:22:19 > 0:22:22This is...utter shit!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- That's it! That's a fat policeman! - Fat policeman!
0:22:25 > 0:22:30CHEERING That's it! Right. Let's do a sketch.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35I want me chair! LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Great news! You've been pardoned!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Eh?- The governor has given you a last-minute reprieve.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48- You've been pardoned. - Oh, bloody hell!
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Yeah, yeah, it's first time he's pardoned anyone on death row in years.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54HE LAUGHS That's great.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Yes. If you...If you just sign here at bottom, Mr Rivron.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Er...Rivron? Yeah.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06I'm not... I'm Walsh.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Rivron's in the next cell.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14- ALL:- Aw!
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- Oh, shit. - LAUGHTER
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Just...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23LAUGHTER
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I feel like I've got your hopes up.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34LAUGHTER
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I should murder you as well, shouldn't I?!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39I should murder you as well!
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Murder you as well, shouldn't I?
0:23:41 > 0:23:42HE LAUGHS
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Murder you! I should murder you as well!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Sorry, I'm really disappointed.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49LAUGHTER
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- Oh...- Oh, no, keep it. Keep it.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- It's the least I can do.- That's not really going to make up for dying.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59LAUGHTER
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- It's one of those four-colour pens. - Oh, is it?- Yeah.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04It isn't.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06LAUGHTER
0:24:06 > 0:24:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:13 > 0:24:14CLASSICAL MUSIC
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Argh!
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- What's wrong?- The headmaster's given me this wordsearch. It's very tricky.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27James, that's a Sudoku.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Got one.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32- 439.- It's not a wordsearch!
0:24:32 > 0:24:34439 isn't a word! You can't use it in a sentence.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I like playing in the park 439.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38HE SIGHS
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- Say my name, bitches! - BOTH: Morning, headmaster.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Good news and bad news.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45The good news is that social services have gone,
0:24:45 > 0:24:47so I can treat Jones anyway I like.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51- Hooray! - HEADMASTER GROANS
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Bad news is school bug's going round.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- It's already taken out four members of staff.- What about the boys?
0:24:57 > 0:25:01No, the boys are fine. Their immune systems have been indestructible
0:25:01 > 0:25:04ever since Poo-In-The-Custard-Gate.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08This thing...is coming for us!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Is it bad? I'm quite susceptible to these viral things.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14This is not a virus, deputy,
0:25:14 > 0:25:16this is a bug!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Hello!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20LAUGHTER What the hell is that?!
0:25:20 > 0:25:24I'm the school bug! Someone's going to get a runny tummy!
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Jones, it's definitely your turn. - Oh, not Jones again!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Last time he gave me worms!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32LAUGHTER
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Come on, headmaster, you know what I want.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38I want...the girl.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Me?!
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- First of all, obviously I'm not a girl.- Deal.- Great!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Come here, gorgeous!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Where's it gone? Is it on me? BUG LAUGHS
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Oh, I'm going to make you sick, princess.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Surely there's got to be an easier way?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57It's either you or the rest of the staff.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00- Do it for the school.- All right, I will, I'll do it. OK.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- For the good of the school. - Oh, she's keen.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I like your attitude, sweetheart.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08After all, it's only a tiny little bug, how bad can it really be?
0:26:08 > 0:26:12THEY BOTH GROAN
0:26:12 > 0:26:14All right, sugar tits, you've got the bug.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Now let's get dirtier than a dung beetle's toilet.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- Yes! Yes!- I thought it was going to make me sick?- It will.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- HE GROANS - They won't teach you this in biology.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34Marry me! I think I'm going to...Beetlejuice!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Oh, I'm weaving silk!
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Perfect! Hang on, I think I've got another way.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- Crumbs! - BUG GROANS
0:26:48 > 0:26:52Don't worry, deputy, it's only a 24-hour thing.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Let's give them some privacy.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57You're going to need Rentokil when I'm finished with you!
0:26:57 > 0:26:58APPLAUSE
0:27:00 > 0:27:02CHEERING
0:27:02 > 0:27:05WitTank, ladies and gentlemen.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08That is the end, but if we've left you wanting more
0:27:08 > 0:27:12after the show head straight to...
0:27:12 > 0:27:14And if you don't have access to the internet,
0:27:14 > 0:27:17please stop watching, you're not welcome here.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20From me, Electrolytes, goodbye!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:24 > 0:27:27I'm firing you cos you put horse shit all over the studio!
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Aside from being disgusting, it's a serious health risk!
0:27:30 > 0:27:34I actually almost slipped on some earlier, but fortunately I was wearing my elbow pads.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37I inline skate.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41- Sorry, go on.- I promise it wasn't me, it was him.- No, it wasn't.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45- It was you.- Is that true, Tom?- Yeah. This guy's a weirdo.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48- I'll escort him out.- Thanks.
0:27:50 > 0:27:55- But that's not true.- Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I must have been talking out of my big butt!
0:27:55 > 0:27:58My arse isn't fat, it's called Rubenesque.
0:27:58 > 0:28:02And it's taken a big old dump all over your day.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04So see you later...
0:28:04 > 0:28:06virgin!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Thanks for that. Why did you cover for me.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16I just never really liked his attitude, I guess.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23MUSIC: "Crazy In Love" by Beyonce