0:00:02 > 0:00:06Thank you so much for this chance. I know you're seeing a lot of people.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09Well, I shall see you Friday. I'll be the one in the red dress and the pink carnation.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13- LOUD DRILLING - Yes, suit and tie. Yes, obviously. Sorry.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16- What are you making?- Drilldo.
0:00:16 > 0:00:20- Who was that? Your girlfriend?- Yeah. - Yeah, right, what was her name?
0:00:20 > 0:00:22Mariah Carey.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24- Don't worry. I'm joking. - Yeah, right!
0:00:24 > 0:00:28- As if she'd cheat on the Nick Cannon. - It was one of the producers.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31I've got an interview tomorrow for assistant floor manager.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Is this your CV?
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Oh, my God!
0:00:35 > 0:00:38You studied English at university?!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41You realise that's not a subject, Tom? Can't say what I studied though.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- That's fine.- I studied mentalism.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- I'm assuming you're familiar with Derren Brown?- Yes.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Well, his best mate taught our course.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53- Sounds amazing.- It was. One mentalism session with me, I could guarantee you get that job.
0:00:53 > 0:00:58- I don't think magic's going to help me.- Magic(!) Mentalism is about awakening the subconscious,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01allowing ordinary people to do extraordinary things.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And then hopefully getting your own show on Channel 4.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07- So you don't do kids parties? - Wrong, I did my niece's.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- What did you do? - You'll find out in due course.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15What I will tell you is that each child was forced to face their greatest fear.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18And then give me all their cake.
0:01:23 > 0:01:29This programme contains strong language.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Hello. Hello, hello.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Hello. All right? Welcome to Live At The Electric.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:49 > 0:01:52This is where you come when you want something tasty.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55A chocolate box of the freshest comedy with layer upon
0:01:55 > 0:01:58layer of unfudged characters and swirls of sketch,
0:01:58 > 0:02:02yet devoid of overvalued, over-processed caramel.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- The other channels. - EVIL LAUGH
0:02:04 > 0:02:08And there's me, the cherry brandy, the viscous liqueur,
0:02:08 > 0:02:12spurting surprisingly alcohol liquid direct onto your dangling uvula.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14La-bla-la-bla!
0:02:14 > 0:02:18By the way, uvula is the correct medical term for that bit at the back of the throat.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22I know it sounded like vulva, but at least I didn't say vulva. La-bla-la-bla!
0:02:22 > 0:02:25# Vulva, vulva! #
0:02:25 > 0:02:27By the way, if I'm losing any of you,
0:02:27 > 0:02:31I know it seems like I've got sexual language the whole time,
0:02:31 > 0:02:33but I'm actually the opposite of that kind of jester.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37You're not going to believe what I've been fixated with this year.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Anywhere you've seen me, I'm talking about it. Babies.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44My boyvaries are aching for a child!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46My boyvaries ache, yeah! And when you say it,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49you get a strange ripple of silence go through the room.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Do you know why? Apparently, men aren't allowed to talk about it.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55You can't confide in your male friends. "Hey, guys.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58"I like to talk about my emotions and I'd like to have babies." "Put him in the van.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03"He's not one of us! "Stand him by the waste ground. He no longer belongs."
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Have you tried to confide in a girl? Anyone tried to speak to women about it?
0:03:06 > 0:03:12"Please, this is not a male debate. This is a debate for women. Only women have a biological clock.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16"Only women have a deadline. Do you know how hard it is to be a woman, to be 35
0:03:16 > 0:03:20"and not be ready, your body's telling you there's a deadline? It's so hard to be a woman."
0:03:20 > 0:03:24I'm not hearing it any more, ladies. You're better off with a deadline.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Name me one thing in life that isn't improved with a deadline.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Apart from death.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34Name me another thing. There's an essay. You can finish it whenever you want. There's no deadline.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Will that essay ever get done? Will it fuck? Of course it won't!
0:03:37 > 0:03:41You're better off with a deadline. It might be inconvenient, ladies.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44But at least you can go, "There's a deadline. I want to hit it or I don't."
0:03:44 > 0:03:47What's the options for men? "There's no deadline, man. I'm young.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51"Even though I'm 50. I've got silver hair." Before you know it, you're a stereotype.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Your girlfriend's 18 years old, Lithuanian, you're 70 and she hates your guts.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59- LITHUANIAN ACCENT:- "Fall down the stairs, Barry. Please die quickly."
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I don't want that to be me.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06I know it might seem quite weird, fantasising about having a kid
0:04:06 > 0:04:11when I don't have one. Maybe I'm the equivalent of the girl that turns up to the first date
0:04:11 > 0:04:17in a wedding dress. At Pizza Express, going, "I'd really like one of your Sloppy Giuseppes."
0:04:17 > 0:04:21And there are some things about children that freak me out,
0:04:21 > 0:04:25the weird stuff they come out with. Not the weird stuff as in,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28"Hey, don't kids say the funniest things?" Huh-huh-huh(!)
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Not that. I mean some of the dark twisted stuff a child...
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Have you ever seen a three-year-old
0:04:34 > 0:04:37when it has a drink of juice after a moment of joy?
0:04:37 > 0:04:41That is one of the most terrifying things you'll ever witness.
0:04:41 > 0:04:47"Mummy, I've had a great time. can I have my juice, Mummy? Juice, Mummy." Just a ball of joy.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50What happens as soon as they start drinking that juice?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52That's right, serial killer eyes.
0:04:52 > 0:04:58SLURPING AND HEAVY BREATHING
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- EVIL VOICE:- "I will kill one day!"
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"Bye, Mummy."
0:05:06 > 0:05:11No-one likes serial killer eyes. And the other thing that scares me,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14if you have two, how cruel little brothers can be.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I was vile to my brother. I was just... I jellyfished my brother.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Does anyone know that term?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Jellyfishing is where you dead all four limbs.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26He was just on the floor, going, "Urgh!"
0:05:26 > 0:05:30And when he was down, I did squid gas to the face. # Squid gas to the face!
0:05:30 > 0:05:35# Squid gas to the face! # Squid gas to the face! #
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Fart delivery. Fart delivery. Smell my fart.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41I was a master fart deliver. I was one of the best.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Some of the set ups I came up with...
0:05:43 > 0:05:46There's a parcel, you might want to sign for it. Urgh!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Have a look at this species of ladybird. It's so tiny.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50Get in close. It's eggy!
0:05:51 > 0:05:57- APPLAUSE - OK, ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for political drama
0:05:57 > 0:06:01so full of credibility, the script is in 24 point, bold and underlined.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Set the font to Impact and the printer to Landscape.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07It's the Situation Room.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:13 > 0:06:16DRAMATIC TENSE MUSIC
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Can't we just impose sanctions?
0:06:19 > 0:06:23No, Prime Minister. You have to reach an agreement today.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25This man is looking for any excuse for nuclear war.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28He carries the trigger round with him at all times.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29I understand.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Send him in.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Good luck, sir.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- For the good of the country. - For the good of the world.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Oh, and, sir, they're an extremely sensitive people.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- You don't want to inadvertently offend him.- Come on. I'm an experienced diplomat.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I think I understand the importance of respect.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Look at...his...nose.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Sorry.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Your Excellency.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11What a pleasure it is to welcome you.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- HIGH PITCHED:- Thank you, Prime Minister.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16HE LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:07:16 > 0:07:20- Amazing. - BEEPS
0:07:20 > 0:07:23EXPLOSION
0:07:25 > 0:07:27APPLAUSE
0:07:27 > 0:07:30How good was that? Now, our next guest is
0:07:30 > 0:07:34so well bred that she has to carry her own personal roll of red
0:07:34 > 0:07:38carpet with her, in case she has to take any detours from her predetermined walks.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40That's right, it's Chastity Butterworth.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Oh!
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Oh!
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Oh!
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Oh!
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Oh, good evening. I am delighted to be here.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Oh...stop it.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05So without further ado, let me introduce myself.
0:08:05 > 0:08:11My name is Chastity Butterworth, named after the famous belt. Oh!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Keep out.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I'm only joking. You're welcome here.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Thank you. Now, forgive me.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25I am a little flustered arriving here this evening,
0:08:25 > 0:08:29I have just come from my advanced zumba classes.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31This bad boy doesn't chisel itself.
0:08:33 > 0:08:39During class this evening, my instructor, Rodrigo, his arms are
0:08:39 > 0:08:43longer than his legs, but holy shit, he can shimmy like a daddy fucker.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49He fandangoed over to me and said,
0:08:49 > 0:08:55"Chastity, I want to see you sweating like a pig."
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Oh! Rodrigo!
0:08:58 > 0:09:03So, of course, this piqued my curiosity such that I dashed
0:09:03 > 0:09:05home briefly to conduct a little experiment
0:09:05 > 0:09:10and I can now tell you all that pigs don't actually sweat.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15No. I found that out the hard way and now my pig is exhausted.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19That's the joke section. Thank you.
0:09:22 > 0:09:27The thing with cows is it's not all black and white, is it? No.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30That's the philosophy section.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Or is it?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Thank you.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Thank you. Thank you.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Now, speaking of wisdom, my life coach, Dick Butkiss,
0:09:44 > 0:09:46he's a wonderful man.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51He's a watersports enthusiast. And an amateur filmmaker.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Oh, Dick!
0:09:56 > 0:10:00He said to me recently, "Chastity, if you're good at something,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03"you should never do it for free."
0:10:03 > 0:10:07So I happen to be particularly good at sex.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Thank you.
0:10:11 > 0:10:17Now, my husband's not happy about it, but then, he has the money.
0:10:18 > 0:10:23He says to me sometimes, "Chastity, I'm terribly good at sex too."
0:10:23 > 0:10:27And I say, "No, you're not, Horace. That will be £20."
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I give him mates' rates.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35It's quite sweet how I met my husband, Horace, actually.
0:10:35 > 0:10:41We met on an internet dating website called Uniformdating.com.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I don't know if you know it,
0:10:43 > 0:10:48but lots of people are in military uniforms and doctors and nurses.
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Horace stood out immediately because he was wearing an ASDA uniform.
0:10:52 > 0:10:57But further to that, his message stood out in amongst the other sort
0:10:57 > 0:11:03of, "Hello, hot tits," and, "You plus me plus Bukkake equals heaven, baby."
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Don't get me wrong, I love Bukkake as much as the next lady,
0:11:06 > 0:11:10but I cannot stand being called baby, so he was no.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15As I say, Horace's message stood out and it read thus,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18"You remind me of a toe.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22"Not because you are small and cute, but because when I am drunk,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25"I shall bang you on the coffee table."
0:11:27 > 0:11:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Thank you. Oh!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Oh, gosh!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Chastity Butterworth, there. Now, let's take a look behind the scenes at the
0:11:38 > 0:11:42Bullsmoor Youth Club, where the children of the future are being moulded in the present,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45on the potting wheel of our very own Pete Swivel.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:50 > 0:11:55'In 2013, a BBC documentary crew filmed the everyday
0:11:55 > 0:11:58'happenings of a North London youth club on Bullsmoor Lane.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00'Its name - the BYC.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02'Its leader - Pete Swivel.'
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Youth unemployment's through the roof at the minute, so I'm
0:12:09 > 0:12:14holding mock job interviews today to help the kids sharpen their skills.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16This is Michael. Used to come here.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Two years ago, he was living on benefits
0:12:19 > 0:12:22and spent all day sniffing glue with his mates. And now...
0:12:22 > 0:12:26This is like something out of a film...
0:12:26 > 0:12:32He's a trainee reconciliations clerk for ASDA at their HQ in Tottenham.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Free coffee all day!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40I'm not their mate today, I'm their potential boss.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Two very different things. I've got to be cruel to be kind.
0:12:43 > 0:12:49It's a tough old world out there. Now, they've all written down what company they want to interview for.
0:12:49 > 0:12:55So one of the things I really want to drum into them, very important, sell yourself.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I'll ask you again, Trev, what makes you think you've got
0:12:58 > 0:13:02the attributes to be a security guard here at Claire's Accessories?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Um...
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Oh, come on!
0:13:07 > 0:13:10How about you've been nicking stuff your whole life, so if thieves
0:13:10 > 0:13:15did come in the shop, you'd know exactly what to look out for?
0:13:15 > 0:13:20Always demonstrate what your past experiences can bring to the role.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24You've got those GBH charges you were up on last year. Say that.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29Lets them know that if you did have to get physical with anyone,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32you're not afraid to let your hands go.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Yeah. It's all good stuff.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Doing your research is vital.
0:13:36 > 0:13:42You need to know the ins and outs of a duck's arse about the company before you go in.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Welcome to Flames, Enfield's premiere strip club.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I'll start by saying, we run a strict no touching policy here, so
0:13:49 > 0:13:53you can get up and shake your bits about without fear of being groped.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55But what do you know about us?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57You're a chicken shop.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02'Obviously, Flames is a chicken shop. I've apologised to Jane.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05'I just assumed stripping was a natural career path for her.'
0:14:05 > 0:14:09But like the saying goes, don't believe everything you read.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Especially if it's written on toilet walls.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16In some of these top places, the interviewer will do something out
0:14:16 > 0:14:20of the blue just to surprise you, to see how you cope under pressure.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I need to prepare these kids for every eventuality.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Next!
0:14:27 > 0:14:31No, I don't think you're cut out for the public sector, Del.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Next!
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Michael's inspired this whole thing really. I'm so proud of him.
0:14:38 > 0:14:44It shows you what you can achieve if you knuckle down and work hard.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47And your mum's sucking off the head of HR at ASDA.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51APPLAUSE
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Pete Swivel, ladies and gentlemen.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Now, our favourite Spanish dish. Expect womanising to be taught 'ere.
0:14:58 > 0:15:02Ladies and gentlemen, you tap-his-ass, it's Antonio!
0:15:05 > 0:15:06CHEERING
0:15:08 > 0:15:11FUNK MUSIC
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Buenas noches, you naughty little gringos!
0:15:15 > 0:15:19It's me, Antonio, seduction expert.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23My ex-wife used to describe me as one giant erogenous zone.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Or as she put it, "A total prick."
0:15:27 > 0:15:29LAUGHTER
0:15:29 > 0:15:31Being from the Mediterranean, I enjoy good food,
0:15:31 > 0:15:35hot weather and boning your girlfriend.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36You're welcome.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42Me? I'm a real man, and I know how to do things, OK?
0:15:42 > 0:15:48So tonight, I'm going to show you how to ride a horse.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Me? I'm a lot like a stallion myself.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Red-blooded, virile and when you ride me, I like to neigh.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Also, I shit standing up.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Anyway, horses, they are also like the women.
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Beautiful, well-groomed, and if you try to mount them from behind,
0:16:09 > 0:16:10they kick you hard.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Also, I find if you put your hand out like this and put some grass in it...
0:16:15 > 0:16:16Oh, that's just horses.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I think it's time for a riding lesson.
0:16:20 > 0:16:26For assistance, this is Jackie, our equestrian expert.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Tell me, Jackie, where exactly is Equestria?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32LAUGHTER
0:16:32 > 0:16:36I'm only joking, I know perfectly well an equestrian is someone
0:16:36 > 0:16:39who is born between the 20th of January and the 18th of February.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44It's a star sign, like Capri-Sun.
0:16:46 > 0:16:51Now unfortunately, my stallion Miguel is still outside the building,
0:16:51 > 0:16:53as we're not allowed horses in here.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Which is weird, because horses and I, we have at least one thing in common.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58HE CHUCKLES
0:16:58 > 0:16:59We both wear shoes.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04So, Jackie, as my horse Miguel is outside,
0:17:04 > 0:17:08perhaps it's best that you show me how to ride you.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10GIGGLING: She's kinky.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Now remember, when mounting you want to... Ah! No...
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Ah, ow, ah, shit, no, no,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19yes, yes, more, more, oh, ah, ah,
0:17:19 > 0:17:24ah, oh, my bum, oh, oh, oh...
0:17:25 > 0:17:26Ho!
0:17:28 > 0:17:30PAINED: She's a very good actress!
0:17:31 > 0:17:33LAUGHTER
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Never mount a woman from behind!
0:17:37 > 0:17:41I should have seen this coming - equestrians hate Capri-Suns.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Well, if Jackie's having none of it...
0:17:46 > 0:17:48I'm pretty sure Miguel is game.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50HORSE NEIGHS
0:17:54 > 0:17:57That's right. I'm going to go fuck a horse.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03WHOOPING
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Antonio, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen,
0:18:07 > 0:18:08you're a lovely audience,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11give yourself a round of applause for being so absolutely awesome.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12CHEERING
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- And what do you see when you look at this image?- A vagina.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Again! Very interesting.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18And what about this image?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20A vagina, they're all photos of vaginas,
0:18:20 > 0:18:22what's this got to do with my interview?
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Tom, it'll all be clear at the end of my programme.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26It's about the power of suggestion,
0:18:26 > 0:18:28and nothing is more suggestive than a vagina.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30CAMERAMAN MIMICS GUITAR RIFF
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Stop doing that, Ishmael, the soundtrack goes in after.
0:18:33 > 0:18:38Up until this morning, Tom was hopeless. A freak. L'etranger.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40Translation - a massive dufus.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Having never succeeded at anything in his life, he's going
0:18:43 > 0:18:45to do a job interview, and he's going to get it.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Tom, I'm not any more prepared for this interview,
0:18:47 > 0:18:48can you please just leave me alone?
0:18:48 > 0:18:52Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah. Not prepared, or more prepared?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54What's that mug you've been slurping all day?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Sure it hasn't been motivating you? - Obama. Great.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Now check your screensaver.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- Is that my head on Hitler? - Feeling inspired?
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Just leave me alone, the rota says you're meant
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- to be doing stage lights. - What, this rota here?
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Tom, that took me ages...
0:19:08 > 0:19:11"You will not fali this interview"?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Ishmael - fail! F-A-L-E, like I said!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16Tom, I'd really rather prepare for this on my own.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- None of this makes any sense. - Well done.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23As I always say, senses are very overrated.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38FAINT CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:39 > 0:19:44Hello, welcome to the make-up department, my name's Linda.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Now, who do we have here? No, don't tell me, I'm going to guess!
0:19:48 > 0:19:53Hey, Nick, could you say hello to my friend? It's Nick Grimshaw.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Very funny, it's not, it's Russell Howard - Kane!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Look, I'm really, I'm in a hurry...here.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02He think he's Russell Howard but he's actually Nick Grimshaw.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03SHE LAUGHS
0:20:03 > 0:20:08Oh, it's disappointing when you meet them and they're not that great.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13- I'm actually in a bit of a hurry, if we could...- Yeah, we all are.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16So we're just going to highlight your cheeks and try
0:20:16 > 0:20:17and make the nose smaller.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21I wish you were Nick Grimshaw.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24There's no reason why you'd know, but I'm the host, Russell Kane.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27(Stop lying to yourself, sweetie.)
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Are you doing some juggling for us today? Are you the juggling girl?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I really am the host, if you don't know I'm the host,
0:20:34 > 0:20:36how are you going to do my eyeliner the way I like it?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39OK, so I just keep him under observation?
0:20:39 > 0:20:41OK, thank you, doctor, thank you very much.
0:20:41 > 0:20:47I've got it, you're the Dutch milking girl act! Where are your clogs?
0:20:47 > 0:20:51Yeah, that's right, that's who I am, I am Annika the Dutch milking girl.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Yes, I knew it!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Do we need the Dutch girl on stage?
0:20:56 > 0:20:57OK, sweetie, you're up.
0:21:05 > 0:21:10In episode last, gay slurs were cast.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14And Dave was flung out of Essex pad, fast.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Thou art better purged of that prick.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24He ain't not a prick, Mum, not no he ain't.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28He is so much a prick that 10,000 spears topped with a million
0:21:28 > 0:21:32gold-plate javelins, and each of those adorned with a billion
0:21:32 > 0:21:36platinum drawing pins would still be less of a prick than that cu...
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Ladies.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39LAUGHTER
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Ah, I perceive the atmosphere is ripe for reconciliation.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45My sixth sense is Bruce Willis on Ritalin.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47It's Uri Geller on MDMA.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51Watch how I, with words smoother than a Jamaican hip,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54do grind and bogle things in my favour.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Elainia.- Prick, get out.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Sharonetti? Babe!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06What, be there no chance?
0:22:06 > 0:22:11There is more chance of John Terry fingering Michelle Obama.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Mother please, quell thy wrinkled beak.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18Dave, thou art a cheater and a wanker quite useless.
0:22:19 > 0:22:24Yet I love thee for that! Oh, my God, Oh, my God though.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26My eldest slapper, nay!
0:22:26 > 0:22:30I do love the div, dear dowager, though he be more pointless
0:22:30 > 0:22:34than a little pencil, tis with he that I hath merries made.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Like that time I got it in thine eye,
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and we had to go down A&E to unstick thy Cheryl Cole lash.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Yeah, and when I slashed in an alley while you got kicked in...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44BOTH: ..by that coke dealer!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Magic memories make sin slight in hand.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52Despite myself, their tasty affections have poured
0:22:52 > 0:22:56cold balsamic on the spicy beans of mine anger.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Love is like a sit-down Wimpy.
0:22:59 > 0:23:05What seems bastard base burger in fact is a fine feast fed upon
0:23:05 > 0:23:07with fly cutlery.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11My daughter's yeasty loaves, his risen sun,
0:23:11 > 0:23:16my future son-in-law - a bender in a bun.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17LAUGHTER
0:23:21 > 0:23:24- RUSSELL ON STAGE:- See? Comprehensives can work.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Right, our next acts are such a part of the Electric furniture
0:23:29 > 0:23:33IKEA make them in a flat-pack called "Mashkoop",
0:23:33 > 0:23:35but we known them as...Two Episodes of Mash!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38CHEERING
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- Hello!- AUDIENCE: Hello.
0:23:47 > 0:23:51- I'm Joe, she's Diane.- Hello.- Eh, tonight...
0:23:54 > 0:23:58We're going to do some sketches, woo!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01- Yes, yes, yes!- Just get on with it before you irritate them too much.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Good point, right.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Some of you might know that we can project pictures on our
0:24:08 > 0:24:11green screen, but we thought tonight it'd be fun - bit of fun, you know -
0:24:11 > 0:24:16to project an image that you choose, someone in the audience,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18to go up here.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20And it's a way of killing a bit of time.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22And it's a way of killing a bit of time.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:25So, hello.
0:24:26 > 0:24:32- What would you like projected there? - Watermelon.- Watermelon!
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- Can we have...?- What, a what?- It's a bit shit, it'll do.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:42- What does he want?- UNDER HIS BREATH: - I'll knock his teeth...
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Can we have a picture of a water melon up here?
0:24:46 > 0:24:51- That's rubbish. - No, a watermelon. Water...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- Oh!- You anus!
0:25:02 > 0:25:04APPLAUSE
0:25:04 > 0:25:08What'd you ask for a pissing water melon for?! It's a foreign fruit!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11You've caused a power cut, I've got a Cornetto in the freezer!
0:25:12 > 0:25:14If it melts, so help me, God, I will fucking kill...
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Oh, it's all right, the back-up generator's kicked in.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21The Cornetto's going to be fine.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Shall we do a sketch? - Yeah...you got lucky there, son.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27All right, here we are.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31CAPES!
0:25:32 > 0:25:35LAUGHTER
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Up you go!
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Up you go!
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Up you go...
0:25:57 > 0:25:58Go on, up you go.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- Up you go, you're not going up.- No. - Why aren't you going up?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06- I don't know.- Oh, for fu...
0:26:11 > 0:26:15When we said we were going to do the trick, we divvied up the tasks.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- I know, I know. - I got the capes.- Yeah.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20You were going to learn to levitate.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27- Sorry.- I had to get two capes - one fucking thing you had to do.
0:26:27 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:30- Been really busy.- Shut up!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Flap your cape.- What? - Flap your cape.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Thank God we've got the capes,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- otherwise that could have been embarrassing.- Yeah.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55CHEERING
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Two Episodes of Mash, ladies and gentlemen.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03If we've left you wanting more after the show, head straight to...
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Or if any of my family are watching, top up your mobiles
0:27:07 > 0:27:10with at least a fiver, and you should be able to see it.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Don't click on video though, or your 3GS will explode.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15From me and the Electrolytes - goodbye!
0:27:15 > 0:27:17CHEERING
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Feeling more positive about the interview, Tom?
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Not really, just got an e-mail
0:27:25 > 0:27:27saying they're not seeing people any more.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Then your wish is granted.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30What'd you mean?
0:27:30 > 0:27:35You didn't fail the interview, because there was no interview.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Please don't tell me you cancelled it.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42I didn't have cancelled, I did have it moved forward and went myself.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- And yes, I got the job, thanks for asking(!)- I fucking hate you.
0:27:45 > 0:27:50I had no idea you were going to say that.
0:27:50 > 0:27:51Or did I?
0:27:51 > 0:27:54ISHMAEL MIMICS GUITAR RIFF
0:27:56 > 0:27:58ISHMAEL: Yeaaaaaah.