0:00:02 > 0:00:07This programme contains some strong language
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Me and my girlfriend... #
0:00:10 > 0:00:13- You OK?- Yeah, sorry, I just can't stop singing love songs.
0:00:13 > 0:00:18# Girl, you're my angel, you're my darling angel... #
0:00:18 > 0:00:22- I hear you...- # Check out me run-time want to do me bam-bam! #
0:00:22 > 0:00:23I hear you have a girlfriend.
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Oh, do not put a label on it, please. I hate that.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29Just, on the e-mail you sent around to the whole production,
0:00:29 > 0:00:31- you called her your girlfriend. - Whatever she is,
0:00:31 > 0:00:33she has had the most incredible effect on me. I mean,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35she's really mellowed me out.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38- Do you want to go see Bob Marley with me later?- I don't think he's alive.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41- Cool, man. Whatever. - Well, if you're not too loved up,
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- maybe you can help me with these purchase orders...- Hi, Tom.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Hello.- You look great. Have you lost weight?
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Sorry. You know what it's like when you're in love,
0:00:48 > 0:00:51everything coming up roses, can't eat, can't sleep,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53bleeding out your butthole 24/7.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I don't think that's a thing, Tom.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59Well, anyway, she is coming to the studio tonight,
0:00:59 > 0:01:01so try not to be a huge dork.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Why are you getting that out now, Tom?
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Do you know what those things are for?
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Uh, spare me the birds and bees, newbie.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09I think I got this covered.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Hello, hello, hello.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Hello. All right?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Welcome to Live at the Electric, a bukkake of sketch and stand-up
0:01:37 > 0:01:40spattering mirth in your direction for the next half-hour.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42I'm Russell Kane,
0:01:42 > 0:01:45and I'll be the person guiding you through this orgy of wonderment,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48but first, I am obsessed. This year my theme is family
0:01:48 > 0:01:50and what's going to happen to me.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53I think for men, the choice is quite simple, isn't it, gentlemen?
0:01:53 > 0:01:56As we become men ourselves, we choose this.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59I'm either going to be like my dad, or I'm going to be the opposite.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02They're your options. There are no more options when you're a man.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05We're simple creatures - black or white, like my dad or the opposite.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06They're the options for a man.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08"As long as I can be one percent like that man."
0:02:08 > 0:02:11It's either that or, "As long as I'm nothing like that pig.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14"And the things he did to my mum and woo-ey-hey-hey." All right?
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Whereas, women tend to be,
0:02:16 > 0:02:18"Are you going to be like your mum or the opposite?"
0:02:18 > 0:02:20"I think it's a bit more complicated than that.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22"I'll be a bit like her, but there's aunts in my life, women,
0:02:22 > 0:02:26"lots of people. Let's light a candle and break this down."
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Uh... I know this is a bit disrespectful,
0:02:30 > 0:02:32because those of you who follow my comedy career will know
0:02:32 > 0:02:33my dad passed away years ago.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Those of you that didn't know my dad was dead, think it through.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Do you think I'd do stand-up about a man like that
0:02:38 > 0:02:39if he were still alive?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I'd be on Imodium every night of the frigging week.
0:02:42 > 0:02:4716 stone of highly racist, non-artistic lump of steak here,
0:02:47 > 0:02:50proper job hands, used to take his food out of the microwave fresh
0:02:50 > 0:02:53while looking at me. "I can't even feel it!" One of those.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57And he was one of those men you never see laugh. You know those men?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00I've never seen it. The only thing that made my dad laugh -
0:03:00 > 0:03:01horrible, racist comedy,
0:03:01 > 0:03:03or if he saw, you know a posh car in an accident -
0:03:03 > 0:03:05"That'll be a write-off."
0:03:05 > 0:03:06HE CACKLES
0:03:07 > 0:03:10An emotionally violent man, not physically violent.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13"I don't know my own strength." That's what he used to say.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"I don't know my own strength, so I can't hit..."
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Here's a bit of advice.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Learn it, gentlemen. Learn your strength.
0:03:20 > 0:03:21"Do you mind if I hold the baby?"
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Splat! "Oh, I'm sorry."
0:03:24 > 0:03:25"I popped its head."
0:03:25 > 0:03:27This is how violent my dad was.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30He wasn't physically violent cos he didn't trust his own strength.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Yeah! Trying to turn it into a positive.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Only a white working-class man could try and turn the fact
0:03:35 > 0:03:38that he didn't trust his own strength into a masculine positive.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42"I'm so strong, I'm so buff, I can't discipline my own kids."
0:03:42 > 0:03:44There are no women that find that attractive.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46There are no women in nightclubs going,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49"Look at him, he looks like he could kill a baby. He's my kind of stuff.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53"He's mine. He might have destroyed my child, but look at his biceps.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56"He's so buff!" No.
0:03:56 > 0:03:57This is one I'll never forget.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I'll take this one to the nursing home with me.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03We were out having a ploughman's over the Warren Wood in Epping,
0:04:03 > 0:04:04having a ploughman's,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06and we were outside,
0:04:06 > 0:04:10and a bluebottle landed on my dad's cheddar, right?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Now, most mentally normal humans,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15and abnormal ones, would waft the fly away. Would you not?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Do you know what my old man did?
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Tracked it with his eyes like that.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Wanting it to land on his food, like that.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25We're all sat there, me and my brother James and my mum,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28thinking, "this'll be a table tip, a roar, what's going to happen?"
0:04:28 > 0:04:29This is what he did.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32This is the most pathetic, impotent display of testosterone
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I've ever seen in my life. The fly was sat there on his cheese.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38He leant in to that fly, about this far from its wings,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and went, "Wanker!" at the fly.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Ladies and gentlemen, we've got an amazing show for you tonight.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50We've got sketches and characters all over the shop,
0:04:50 > 0:04:54and now it's time for Wittank to welcome us to their comedic realm.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57It'll be an education. This is The School!
0:04:57 > 0:05:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:00 > 0:05:04MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Jones? I could use a hand with this stationery order.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13In a minute. I'm just finishing my lunch.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17Listen up, pricks.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Who do you think would win
0:05:19 > 0:05:22in a fight between Miss Watts and an orang-utan?
0:05:22 > 0:05:23The orang-utan?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Correct.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27But she fought well. Jones.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Headmaster, I need a stationery inventory.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35I've got no idea what to order.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Why don't we just ask the Oracle?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39- The what?- It knows everything.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Who's the Oracle?
0:05:43 > 0:05:47Many years ago, in Ulan Bator, I happened upon a wise shaman.
0:05:47 > 0:05:52He told me about a mysterious cave deep in the mountains
0:05:52 > 0:05:55known for its mysterious powers.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I never went, but on the way back I met this Oracle chap.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02He's a magic head who can see into the future
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- and he makes a fabulous pet. - So where is he?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13ANGELIC CHORUS
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Greetings. I am the Oracle.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20My knowledge and wisdom knows no boundaries.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I take it somebody wants to order some stationery.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- Hello, you bollockless box-bound bitch!- Hello.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28It's amazing. It knows literally everything.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31The great Oracle also sees the future.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34OK, if you can really see into the future,
0:06:34 > 0:06:36then what's Jones going to do with that pen?
0:06:36 > 0:06:38He's going to poke it in his eye.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40No, I'm actually going to...
0:06:40 > 0:06:41Ow! OK, very good.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Sir, surely we should use it for more than stationery.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47He could cure disease or solve world hunger.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Yes, well, the solution to world hunger is actually
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- a very simple system of crop... - Hey, guys, watch this.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54HE CHUCKLES
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Oh! It's not fair... I mean, it's not fair in any way.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59I mean, I'm just a head.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Oh. Oh...
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Ah! That one hurt. Ow!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Shall I put a finger up his nose?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09OK, what? Really?
0:07:10 > 0:07:11There we go.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13What am I supposed to do?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- What'll you do about it?- What? Oh.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18- Jones, fart in his face.- OK!
0:07:18 > 0:07:21HE PARPS
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Ooh!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23He could tell us the meaning of life.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Yes, at last. The meaning of life is actually, it's to try...
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- I'm allergic.- What was that?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I was just going to explain the meaning...
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- He doesn't have any hands. - Can I tell you?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36No, no, seriously, go on. No, we're listening.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37The meaning of life...
0:07:37 > 0:07:38Ah!
0:07:40 > 0:07:41The meaning of life...
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Right, that's the stationery done.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Oh, but what about my other duties?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50OK, I think that's enough of the disembodied head for now.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- But I still haven't sucked your... - Goodbye.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55What?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57BELL RINGS
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Right, that's lessons. Off you piss. Go on.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- (MUFFLED) - Would you mind opening the box?
0:08:12 > 0:08:13HE HUMS
0:08:16 > 0:08:18You know how you can see into the future?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22UNZIPS HIS FLY
0:08:22 > 0:08:23You're welcome.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Wittank. And now, a lady who, when it comes to beauty and fitness,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36has spectacularly pert tips.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38It's Marijana.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40CHEERING
0:08:40 > 0:08:44MUSIC: "Love To Love You Baby" by Donna Summer
0:08:50 > 0:08:52MUSIC FADES OUT
0:08:52 > 0:08:55They play this music,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58because they know it's what you're hearing in your head
0:08:58 > 0:09:01when you are looking at me.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04Here is me. Me is Marijana,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07health and happiness guru to the stars.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Follow me, and I guarantee
0:09:10 > 0:09:13you will have a body to die for and a reason to live.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18I have many celebrity client following the Marijana method.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22Two of the Sugababes, original line-up, to name but a few.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25But my biggest celebrity client,
0:09:25 > 0:09:29and please keep this on the hush low, but my biggest one
0:09:29 > 0:09:33is being David Cameraman, yes! Prime Minister!
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Leader of the Conservatories, yes.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It's not all celebrities, please rest assured
0:09:40 > 0:09:45that I am just as comfortable working with the poor and the ugly.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46So, let's get crackling.
0:09:46 > 0:09:51Now, my love affair with health and fitness begin five year ago.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56When I wake up in the middle of the night with very bad pain in my chest,
0:09:56 > 0:09:58very strange sensation, like fa-doom.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01LAUGHTER
0:10:01 > 0:10:05At first, I did not know if it was trapped wind or a panic attack,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07but turns out was neither.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Turns out was my emotions.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17My emotions was manifestationing themself in my physical health,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20so I decided, no, Marijana, enough is being enough.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22And I start working out.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25And not because I want to be more attractive, no.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28It's really not about that for me.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I've always been fucking gorgeous.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34My own husband finds me so attractive,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37he can't actually live with me. Yes.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40He's had to move very far away.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44But you know, boys, while the cat is away,
0:10:44 > 0:10:46the mice will have some cheese.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Maybe some wine.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51See what happens.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53No.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Looking at you all now, I think we will start with the body, eh?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Leave the mind and soul for later.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Let's not run before we can walk out of the front door
0:11:02 > 0:11:05without scaring the birds! No. No.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Some of you are fine.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I can see we have some younger ladies here.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14You are very nice, very attractive, very lovely. Well done, you.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16If you are not careful,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19then in five, ten, maybe 13 years, top whack,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22it is all going to be going down to the south.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Your face, your boob - they will be like pack of migrating birds
0:11:26 > 0:11:29going south for the winter of your life.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34And this is not winter that would last nine, ten months of the year,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36like in England, no.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39This is a winter that will last forever.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41And once it has gone, it has gone.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Because what a lot of people don't realise is that your body
0:11:44 > 0:11:47is not going to be takings care of itself, OK?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50It takes hard work and defecation.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52LAUGHTER
0:11:56 > 0:12:00I always say that looking after the body
0:12:00 > 0:12:03is much like looking after a small island.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Look at David Cameraman.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07He is full of defecation.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10He is spreading this defecation all over the country.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I've been Marijana.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19You have been unattractive and miserable for too long.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21I will be back to help. Take cares of yourself.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Marijana!
0:12:31 > 0:12:35And now, make way for the undervalued lord of unrequited love.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38It's Luke McQueen.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:43 > 0:12:47I didn't mean to cheat on my girlfriend, but I did, accidentally.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51Sarah's left me, so I need her to see how sorry I am.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52I'll do anything to get her back.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Today I'm going to do something really romantic for Sarah.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I don't think she's ever really had anyone do something special for her
0:13:00 > 0:13:02'so yeah, today is going to be a great day.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05'I know where she works, actually, so I'm going to head down there.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09'I haven't told her I'm coming. This is going to be a surprise.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12'I'm going to put some posters up, hand some flyers out,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15'tell people about this big event.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18'I want people to see how much I love Sarah.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20'I want Sarah to see how much I love Sarah.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22'Yeah, I just can't wait to see her face.'
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Thanks for coming, guys. Thank you for coming.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Let me explain why I'm doing this.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Basically, my girlfriend recently dumped me,
0:13:31 > 0:13:36because I cheated on her, and I just want to do something now for her.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37SLOW PIANO MUSIC
0:13:38 > 0:13:42My girlfriend actually works in this shopping centre
0:13:42 > 0:13:44and I know what I did was wrong.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49Sarah, I just want to show you now how much you mean to me. I love you.
0:13:51 > 0:13:55# What have I got to do to make you love me? #
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Just works up there. Sarah!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02# What have I got to do to make you care? #
0:14:03 > 0:14:06I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Sarah.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10I'm going to see you exactly what I'm willing to give up for you.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Sarah used to say that I spent too much time on my Xbox 360.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Not any more!
0:14:21 > 0:14:24That's worth over £150.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26But do you know what, Sarah?
0:14:26 > 0:14:28You're worth more than £150.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30That's my Xbox!
0:14:40 > 0:14:43I think in hindsight, I probably should have sold the Xbox,
0:14:43 > 0:14:46but, you know, I wanted to make a statement and I did that.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I really wanted her to see the gammon
0:14:48 > 0:14:50because you know, that's commitment.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Now we can both be vegetarians.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57# The hardest word... #
0:14:57 > 0:15:00It went so well. I'm really pleased.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04I was hoping that maybe she'd come out after I'd smashed the flowers,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07but you know, I was prepared for that. That was fine.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Everybody! Sarah, Sarah!- Sarah!
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Sarah! Sarah! Sa...
0:15:14 > 0:15:16No, she's not there. All right.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18She didn't come out, which is disappointing, but
0:15:18 > 0:15:21she'll definitely hear about this and you know, it was pretty romantic.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Do you think it was the singing?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Anyone want that?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Cheers, then, guys.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33So, this is the exciting part now. I've got my phone on,
0:15:33 > 0:15:34and I'm just waiting for the call.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36I'm sure she'll respect me after this.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:48 > 0:15:50What are you doing?
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Taking down my beer pyramid.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Girlfriend wants me to cut back on the binge drink stacking.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56- Women, eh?- Yeah.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59She wanted me to get rid of the dildo collection. I was like, "No way!"
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- It's a guy thing, right?- Yeah, I never understood why you have them.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Exactly.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05So, how did we meet the lucky lady?
0:16:05 > 0:16:08We actually met in this really cool little cafe.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- An internet cafe?- Yeah.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- So, you met on the web.- Yes.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- So, do you video chat or...?- We try, but often her camera is broken
0:16:17 > 0:16:20or there's a power cut, or she hides.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22- So, you haven't actually seen her. - Not in the flesh, no,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25but she sent me a picture and that picture tells 1,000 words.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Hot, fit, and model.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29So, what's her name?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Angelina Lopez.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32Tom...
0:16:32 > 0:16:33I don't think she's real.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37Oh. Wait. Because I've never actually seen her?
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Yeah.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42And because she said her ex-boyfriend was Brad Pitt?
0:16:42 > 0:16:43That also sounds suspicious.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Well, it's a good thing she said it was Johnny Depp.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Try to be happy for me, newbie.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Oh. Will we be seeing you at the meet and greet?
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Yep. Sure.- Great.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Oh, and between you and me,
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Johnny Depp...
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Tiny little finger.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Now, you only get the freshest talent here at the Electric,
0:17:07 > 0:17:10and our next act is so new that
0:17:10 > 0:17:13this is literally one of his very first live performances,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15but everything seems really positive
0:17:15 > 0:17:17and I think he's going to make a big impact.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19It's Roger Showbusiness.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:22 > 0:17:25MUSIC: "Nutbush City Limits" by Ike and Tina Turner
0:17:25 > 0:17:27# Church house, jailhouse
0:17:28 > 0:17:31# Schoolhouse, outhouse
0:17:31 > 0:17:33# On Highway Number 19
0:17:35 > 0:17:37# The people keep the city clean
0:17:37 > 0:17:39# They call it Nutbush... #
0:17:45 > 0:17:47HE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57My name is Roger Showbusiness.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01(Oh, God.)
0:18:03 > 0:18:04By perf...
0:18:06 > 0:18:10By performing stage hypnotism tonight...
0:18:14 > 0:18:17..I'm going to prove to you all
0:18:17 > 0:18:20what a massive mindbender I am.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Why is that funny?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29LAUGHTER
0:18:30 > 0:18:32I am a massive mindbender.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40I'm here tonight because my psychiatrist suggested I try
0:18:40 > 0:18:45stage hypnosis to better understand the workings of my own mind.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Tonight, I'm going to hypnotise one member of the audience,
0:18:51 > 0:18:56and then get them to eat this entire block of Red Leicester cheese.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05Then we'll all laugh at that person,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08and I can finally feel like part of a group!
0:19:14 > 0:19:19So, who wants to come up on stage and be hypnotised?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26LAUGHTER
0:19:30 > 0:19:31(Oh, God!)
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Don't be shy.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39As my foster mother always said,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Ironically, she died bench-pressing weights at the gym.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12AUDIENCE GROANS
0:20:17 > 0:20:20HE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:20:25 > 0:20:28AUDIENCE GROANS
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Just one word of warning before I get someone up here on stage.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44I make them look like an absolute dick.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Stage hypnosis should only be attempted by a trained professional,
0:20:50 > 0:20:51like me.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Otherwise, there is a chance that you somehow hypnotise yourself.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02And no-one wants to be the moron on stage eating the cheese.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11AUDIENCE GROANS
0:21:25 > 0:21:28APPLAUSE
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Oh, God!
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Wurgh...
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Oh, God. I'm so sorry. Wurgh...
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Goodnight.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Idiot!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05'80S-STYLE POP MUSIC
0:22:05 > 0:22:10Introducing new Shrink, the soft drink that makes bits of you shrink.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13# Shrink your head, even your foot
0:22:13 > 0:22:17# Shrinking your bits never tasted so good
0:22:17 > 0:22:20# Knock back a juice and it's making you shrink
0:22:20 > 0:22:24# Twisting and shrinking with every drink! #
0:22:26 > 0:22:29I shrunk my bladder, and now I need a piss all the time.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:37 > 0:22:39And now, we must muster the musical musings of
0:22:39 > 0:22:42our venerable, vulnerable virtuoso.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44It's Gareth Richards!
0:22:44 > 0:22:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:51 > 0:22:52Hello!
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Hello, my name is Gareth. Say, "Hello, Gareth."
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- Hello, Gareth.- Hello, everybody.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02So, I'm going to be playing a song for you today.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04This is the QChord.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06It's sort of like a one-man band,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09but you don't need any other musicians.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11It's ideal.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14I used to be in a band called Spinal Argos.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18We had an excellent back catalogue.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20LAUGHTER
0:23:20 > 0:23:22So, this is the QChord.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24It's a bit like me as an instrument.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27You may not have heard of it before.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29It's a little bit unusual,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32but I think if you give it a chance, you might like it.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35This is a song for all the single ladies in the audience tonight.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45# Don't go out with a policeman
0:23:45 > 0:23:49# It's a risk you shouldn't take
0:23:49 > 0:23:51# He'll jump to wrong conclusions
0:23:51 > 0:23:54# And they shoot you by mistake
0:23:54 > 0:23:57# Don't go out with a postman
0:23:57 > 0:24:00# He'll make you wait in line
0:24:00 > 0:24:03# He's obsessed with the size of his package
0:24:03 > 0:24:05# And he never comes on time
0:24:05 > 0:24:08# Don't go out with a drug dealer
0:24:08 > 0:24:11# Think where he'll hide the stash
0:24:11 > 0:24:17# He'll get it all through customs by sticking it up your ass
0:24:17 > 0:24:22# I don't want to be negative but I'm trying to make you see
0:24:22 > 0:24:25# There's one guy you should be with
0:24:25 > 0:24:28# And that one guy is me
0:24:34 > 0:24:37# Don't go out with a banker
0:24:37 > 0:24:40# He's got no more cash to loan us
0:24:40 > 0:24:42# It's all gone down, now he can't get it up
0:24:42 > 0:24:45# He's obsessed with the size of his bonus
0:24:45 > 0:24:51# Don't go out with an IT man cos whenever things go wrong
0:24:51 > 0:24:56# He'll try to turn you off, and then turn you back on
0:24:56 > 0:24:59# Don't go out with a footballer
0:24:59 > 0:25:02# He'll share you with his friends
0:25:02 > 0:25:07# He can't make love without company and at half-time they'll change ends
0:25:13 > 0:25:16# Go out with a comedian
0:25:16 > 0:25:19# Because if you never see him
0:25:19 > 0:25:22# It's not because he doesn't care
0:25:22 > 0:25:25# It's because he works in the evening
0:25:25 > 0:25:30# Go out with a comedian, he'll spend all your hard-earned money
0:25:30 > 0:25:33# He'll spout a stream of endless drivel
0:25:33 > 0:25:36# And then ask you if it's funny.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39# Go out with a comedian
0:25:39 > 0:25:41# You'll get true love and affection
0:25:41 > 0:25:45# But you'll probably have to make the first move
0:25:45 > 0:25:48# Cos he's on the autistic spectrum. #
0:25:55 > 0:25:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Thank you very much. I've been Gareth Richards. Goodbye!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Aw! It's the end, though!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13We've come to the end, ladies and gentlemen.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14- AUDIENCE:- Aw!- I know.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19But if we left you wanting more after the show, just head to...
0:26:19 > 0:26:20From me and the Electrolytes,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22goodbye!
0:26:22 > 0:26:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- Are you OK?- Yep.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Funny how a player only realises he has a heart when it gets broken.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- So, it was a scam after all.- Yes.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Sorry, dude.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40- Do you want to get a beer? - Yeah, sure.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Well, can you hurry up, then? I don't want to be left alone.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Please, Tom! You're breaking my heart.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- You broke it yourself, kid. Now get out of here!- No, please!
0:26:49 > 0:26:50I said leave!
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Oh, and tell Johnny Depp he's welcome to you.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56And that he was awesome in Pirates of the Caribbean.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58Curse of the Black Pearl.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00I thought you said it was a...
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Scam. Yeah. She used a fake photo. That was not the girl I fell for.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04Really?
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Sorry about all the lovey-dovey stuff.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10In my defence, though, I thought I was talking to this.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11She's out there somewhere.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Guess it serves me right for lying on my profile.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20I said I had a tiny dick. It's actually three inches when erect.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22But I didn't want to scare her.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25See you on Monday, newbie.