0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains very strong language and adult humour.
0:00:07 > 0:00:08BAGPIPES SKIRL
0:00:11 > 0:00:13- Get this.- Good weekend?
0:00:13 > 0:00:16SCOTTISH ACCENT: Ach, not bad and thanks for asking!
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Found I've got a bit of Scottish heritage on my mother's side. Dram of whiskey?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Real Scottish people drink it through their eye.
0:00:21 > 0:00:25I know! Smart-arse Brit!
0:00:25 > 0:00:27Agh.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30- Please don't tell me you're a true Scot under there.- Aye, I'm wearing
0:00:30 > 0:00:33- the traditional nappy. - That's not a thing, Tom.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37- It is in my family. - From the famous McHuggies clan(!) - Never heard of them.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39I'm a McLoughlin, hence the purple braid.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44- Is this because the producer from BBC Scotland is coming on set? - Is he? Hadn't heard.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48- Couldn't get the Braveheart? - ENGLISH ACCENT: They're all out. - That's subtle.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Shut up, Tom, you're just nervous about there being so many Scots,
0:00:50 > 0:00:53because you English... SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..raped our women
0:00:53 > 0:00:57and banished us to live in swamps with nothing but talking donkeys!
0:00:57 > 0:01:01- Shrek's a cartoon character. - ENGLISH ACCENT: Yeah, but it's based on Alex Salmond.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03Right. I'm sure this Scottish guy will forgive me.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05It was all a long time ago.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Yeah, but unfortunately for you Tom...
0:01:07 > 0:01:10SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..a Scotsman never forgets.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13- We need to start this show.- I know.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Electric!
0:01:42 > 0:01:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:45 > 0:01:47We've got sketches, characters and me,
0:01:47 > 0:01:51the spiky-haired one with a healthy appeal to the Goth demographic to cover my mortgage.
0:01:51 > 0:01:56Remember, I'm not really like you, I just pretend to be to pay my bills!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59So I travel up and down the country doing stand-up.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02I realise we're such a regional country.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06We're almost afflicted by it. Essex people have Essex head disease, pulling themselves along,
0:02:06 > 0:02:10with the traction of their Essex head. Yorkshire people are the best.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Any Yorkshire people in the room? Yorkshire.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- YORKSHIRE ACCENT:- Actually it's got t'bones. I can't move.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18It's actually a debilitating condition.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Finishes with them in a nursing home going "Leeds, Leeds, Leeds!"
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Lindsey, my girlfriend, she's got full Mancinson's disease!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- MANCHESTER ACCENT:- Ah-ah-ah-ah!
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Just to be clear, before my social networks are flooded
0:02:32 > 0:02:35with complaints, I'm not saying northern accidents are inferior.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38They're not, they're better, more interesting, musical and lovely.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41However, I cannot be the only one to notice that, when on holiday,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44there is a prejudice against accents from the north of England.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47You end up translating for the northerner you're away with.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I went away with Lindsey to Amsterdam.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52You wouldn't think you could be misunderstood there.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56Their English is off the hook. "Do some quadratic equations, I'll solve them in your language.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59"Clogs, windmills, past tense, mofo!"
0:03:00 > 0:03:03There may have been a stereotyping there. Hashtag-don't-complain.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Anyway, she just couldn't get breakfast to the room.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12She was getting more wound up every day. It culminated with this.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14She was trying to order just some toast.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17How hard can it be? People from the north, I feel for you. This is how it went.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21"Excuse me." Remember, she's got full Mancinson's.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23# Wonderwall. #
0:03:25 > 0:03:29- MANCHESTER ACCENT:- "Excuse me, can I have some toast?" Toast is quite normal, isn't it?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- Toast. Still quite nasal, though. - DUTCH ACCENT:- "Was that toast?"
0:03:32 > 0:03:36"Toast. that's what I said. But can you please make sure, because yesterday you forgot...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39"Can you please make sure you bring...butter."
0:03:41 > 0:03:42"I'm sorry?"
0:03:42 > 0:03:44"Butter! Butter! You spread it - butter."
0:03:44 > 0:03:48You know when someone is getting annoyed really quickly and repeating themselves?
0:03:48 > 0:03:49It's funny, but it shouldn't be.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52"Butter. You spread it. Butter!" "I'm sorry I don't..."
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Then she started giving out clues getting further away...
0:03:55 > 0:03:59"Toast, you spread it with a knife. Cutlery. Goes next to a plate!
0:03:59 > 0:04:04"Butter! Butter! Butter!"
0:04:04 > 0:04:07I picked up the phone and went, "Butter, mate." "No problem, two minutes."
0:04:09 > 0:04:14The only other worse one was in Thailand. Who's been to Thailand?
0:04:14 > 0:04:16You go thinking, "This will be culturally different.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19"I won't even recognise anything. It's just so far away." It's not.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22A country of people, quite introverted by day,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25and wild and pissed up in the evening with a reverence for the Royal family.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Sound familiar, UK?
0:04:28 > 0:04:33Anyway, we were there and there's one word you really need in Thailand,
0:04:33 > 0:04:37if you're a pussy when it comes to food, and that word is "mild".
0:04:37 > 0:04:41Right? You need that word to be understood, or you're going to be in trouble.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44This is Lindsey. "Can I have a green coorry?"
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Not "curry". "Can I have a green coorry?"
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- Wonderwall. - HE MAKES A NASAL SOUND
0:04:49 > 0:04:53"Can I have a green curry, but can you please make sure it's mi-i-ild?"
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- The Thai dude's head's going... - MAKES SOUND OF EXPLOSION
0:04:58 > 0:05:00"Mi-i-ild?"
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- AS LINDSEY:- "Mi-i-ild. Curry, mi-i-i-ild.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07"Mi-i-i-ild. Mi-i-i-ild."
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- And she went, "Not hot." - AS WAITER:- "Hot? No problem."
0:05:13 > 0:05:17It's a shame, because it left her with a ruined bum hole and, for once, it wasn't my fault.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19APPLAUSE
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Moving swiftly on, ladies and gentlemen.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25Now, to his family and associates, he's Peter.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27But to the kids of Bullsmoor Youth Club, he's Pete,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30because that, you know, makes him more approachable.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Obvos. It's Pete Swivel!
0:05:32 > 0:05:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:37 > 0:05:42In 2013, a BBC documentary crew filmed the everyday happenings
0:05:42 > 0:05:45of a North London youth club on Bullsmoor Lane.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Its name - the BYC.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Its leader - Pete Swivel.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Makes my bloody blood boil!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I've just caught more kids round the back, having it off.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59I feel like I'm working in a fucking rabbit hutch.
0:05:59 > 0:06:03I've got to take some action now. I've got the right arsehole!
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Right, you lot need to know the devastating consequences
0:06:07 > 0:06:09all this humpty-dumpty can have on you, right?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Have a look at the state of this.
0:06:13 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- It's Anthony's dad, innit?- Take me seriously, Darren, or get out.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Although it could be. Right.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Now, this lady was fresh-faced and full of life
0:06:25 > 0:06:27until she got lured into the sex trade.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31Some say no one's had more sausage than her.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Others say she should be kept in a cage,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37which I think is a bit harsh, because she only bites when asked. Apparently.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40She's very kindly agreed to come and meet you today.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Pat Porridge, everyone.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45- Hello, everyone.- Have a sit down.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52Right, now, I know shagging is a very natural thing.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Depending on your boundaries, obviously.
0:06:54 > 0:07:00As you can clearly see, the years and years of relentless banging,
0:07:00 > 0:07:06have now turned Pat into an extremely acquired taste. No offence.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09That's fine. Business is good.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13No, I bet it is. I'm sure there's loads of pervs, I mean punters.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18People who love this sort of thing. I bet you're rolling in it. Right?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21But the financial benefits aside, right?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24All this rumpy-pumpy has not just had a physical effect,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26but an emotional one, as well.
0:07:26 > 0:07:3150 years on Prozac has taken its toll on poor old Pat.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I'm 43, you cheeky git!
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Oh, did you see that? Eh?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39After all she's been through,
0:07:39 > 0:07:41she's still kept that wicked sense of humour.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44That's the class of the woman.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Right? Now, Pat's got a booking at one, so we won't keep her.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54But, to sum up, the story of your life is etched on your face.
0:07:54 > 0:07:59So just make sure when you get to Pat's age, it's not been a fucking horror movie.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03- All right? No offence, Pat. - None taken. It's been a pleasure.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- I like a good slasher film, anyway. - What did I say? That's a bit near the bone.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09What are you on about?
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Well, for those of you that are not in on the joke,
0:08:13 > 0:08:18slasher films are the ones where - for want of a better phrase -
0:08:18 > 0:08:22people piss all over each other for kicks.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Er, no, Pete, it's a type of horror film.
0:08:26 > 0:08:31Eh? Ah, yeah! Course it is, innit?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35HE SNIFFS
0:08:35 > 0:08:37What did I say?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39They've heard the myth, the legend,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41but actually seeing Pat in the flesh today
0:08:41 > 0:08:44has struck the fear of God into 'em, I think.
0:08:44 > 0:08:49Nothing I do here is without purpose. And it gets results.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58APPLAUSE
0:09:00 > 0:09:01CHEERING
0:09:01 > 0:09:05< Pete Swivel! Right.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07If you thought Francophile was an Irishman,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09have this renaissance on us.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11It's Marcel Lucont!
0:09:11 > 0:09:15APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Salut.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29Since my last televisual appearance, I've received many letters
0:09:29 > 0:09:32enquiring about my past.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36Ranging from the inquisitive, to the creepy.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Lucky for you, it is all here,
0:09:40 > 0:09:46the first draft of my autobiography entitled simply 'Moi'.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47I don't fuck around.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53I do fuck around!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Birth -
0:10:02 > 0:10:05my first time inside a woman.
0:10:11 > 0:10:16My first ever word emerged from my mouth just seconds after my birth.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18"Pourquoi?"
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Although Father insisted this was probably just hiccupping.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26By all accounts, he was too drunk to know, anyway.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27As I reached up for a breast,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30my father was doing the same to one of the nurses.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35I learned quickly that shrill, insistent screaming
0:10:35 > 0:10:39would result in breasts being presented to me immediately -
0:10:39 > 0:10:43a technique which is sadly less successful for me nowadays.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49One of my most early memories was on the steps of our old apartment,
0:10:49 > 0:10:51aged seven.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56"Father," I asked inquisitively, "where do the babies come from?"
0:10:56 > 0:10:58"I don't know," he said,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01panicking at what to do with the screaming baskets on the step.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08"This one seemed to have arrived without a note, for once.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12"Wait here, do not tell your mother, I will return in one hour."
0:11:12 > 0:11:14And he quickly sped away.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19My parents never married and Father refused to give Mother another child.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21So she left when I was eight,
0:11:21 > 0:11:25claiming she did not wish to put all of her eggs into one bastard.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30At school, I was a disruptive child.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Partially due to my domestic situation, I suppose,
0:11:34 > 0:11:39but largely due to me being better than all the other children.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42By the age of ten, I could roll a cigarette with one hand,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44while writing poetry with the other.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49I shall never forget the words of my writing teacher,
0:11:49 > 0:11:55"If you throw enough shit at a wall, some of the teachers will complain."
0:11:57 > 0:12:01I was suspended for two weeks for what I did to that wall.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05A dirty protest against Monsieur Leblanc, the filthy bastard.
0:12:05 > 0:12:09Monsieur Leblanc was our physical education teacher, my nemesis,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12a notorious pervert.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15I believe his favourite sexual position was probably
0:12:15 > 0:12:17the recovery position.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Ah, those formative years,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26the innocent joy of having dirty feelings
0:12:26 > 0:12:28for a 15-year-old Vanessa Paradis,
0:12:28 > 0:12:32which we were allowed to do so, being also ourselves underage.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36A rule not applying to Monsieur Leblanc, as he discovered -
0:12:36 > 0:12:41soon suspended himself, due to the contents of his cupboard.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Vengeance was achieved. Yes.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Even at school, I knew it helped to have friends in high places.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Literally, in this case -
0:12:50 > 0:12:53a boy half a metre taller, who could reach his cupboard key.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Monsieur Leblanc,
0:12:56 > 0:13:00or Monsignor Leblanc, to give you your current title,
0:13:00 > 0:13:03thank you for my first taste of revenge.
0:13:03 > 0:13:10A dish which, like gazpacho soup, is best served to dicks.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:13:21 > 0:13:22HE GRUNTS
0:13:22 > 0:13:27- What are you doing? - 2.5 metres. New record.- Excellent.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Sorry, Tom, old Highland tradition - tossing the stapler.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Extra points for hitting a filthy Brit.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Ismail!
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Wait until I'm ready!
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Just piss off.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43I just came to get those contracts. Have you put these in Gaelic?
0:13:43 > 0:13:48Oh, yeah, sorry, you know what it's like. I slip in and out. To-may-to, tom-ah-to.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50- McLou... - You don't speak it, do you?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52No, but I know all the swear words.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Not that I'd teach you, you English boot face.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58You realise this BBC Scotland guy isn't going to care that I'm English?
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- He's just going to care you're not doing your work. - I don't care about him.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03I am merely celebrating my culture.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07- Jesus Christ, there's a snake in my drawer!- That's Nessie.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08She's a Scottish adder.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12Bit me earlier, but, being a fellow Scot, it's had no effect.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:18 > 0:14:20# Welcome to the make-up room
0:14:20 > 0:14:23# The world of dreams and transformations #
0:14:23 > 0:14:27I'm Linda, the make-up artist, and I'm an ugly person's best friend.
0:14:27 > 0:14:33- Do you want to know a secret? It's my birthday.- Oh, happy birthday.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35And you're the only one invited.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Cheers.
0:14:39 > 0:14:41SHE BLOWS BUBBLES THROUGH STRAW
0:14:43 > 0:14:47JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- MUSIC STOPS - Ooh!- Oh, what's it going to be?!
0:14:52 > 0:14:57- Diamonds!- That's mine.- No, it's mine. - That's mine.- No, it's mine!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I found them in a dressing room.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:02 > 0:15:06MUSIC STOPS Oh! Beautiful gems.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08They're all mine.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10No! They're mine, I'm winning.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:13 > 0:15:17MUSIC STOPS Oh, me again!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19SHE GASPS
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Oh, God.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28They said there would never be ads on the BBC.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Well, this is intermission impossible. See you after the break.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:36 > 0:15:39SLOW MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Maintain your guttering!
0:15:57 > 0:16:01Guttering. It stops you getting wet.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Guttering. It stops you getting wet.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05Guttering.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Now it's time for me to introduce our next act.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19a lady so gentrified, that the only clue she's reached sexual climax
0:16:19 > 0:16:21is that her jewellery starts rattling faster.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23She doesn't come, she arrives.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Thank you. It's Chastity Butterworth!
0:16:26 > 0:16:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Oh!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Ooh.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Ooh. Oh, oh, good evening,
0:16:38 > 0:16:42I am overjoyed to have been invited here.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I got a call from the producer this morning, asking me to come here
0:16:45 > 0:16:47and just do something on the show,
0:16:47 > 0:16:51which suits me rather well, as I'm actually a one-woman variety act
0:16:51 > 0:16:55and, also, the water's been cut off at home and there are showers here.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Thank you. SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I've just come from my BMX lesson,
0:17:00 > 0:17:03so I'm nursing a bit of a sore bottom, but,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05what's new?
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Ouch.
0:17:10 > 0:17:16And speaking of sore bottoms, I was in my parlour yesterday morning,
0:17:16 > 0:17:20practising self-restraint with a cupcake and a whip.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26And I suddenly had a flash of culinary inspiration.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Why not make some kettle chips?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I'll tell you why not. It would appear
0:17:33 > 0:17:37that kettle chips are not actually made in a kettle at all. No.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I found that out the hard way and now my kettle is fucked.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Thank you. Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:48 > 0:17:51I've written a poem for you. Pay attention.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Naughty pig, nickname Pam.
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Angry farmer,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59tasty ham!
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Thank you. APPLAUSE
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Thank you, stop it, really. Thank you.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10So I am married to a wonderful man named Horace
0:18:10 > 0:18:15and we are perfectly suited, because Horace is a deeply,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18deeply ugly man and, of course,
0:18:18 > 0:18:19opposite attract.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Who, me? Oh!
0:18:25 > 0:18:29We live in an enormous house with our darling cat, George,
0:18:29 > 0:18:33and poor George has a fatal dairy allergy.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35So, for his birthday,
0:18:35 > 0:18:39I thought it should be nice to make him some soya milk.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42However, it soon became horrendously apparent
0:18:42 > 0:18:45that you don't make soya milk out of normal milk
0:18:45 > 0:18:47and soy sauce.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Oops.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I found that out the hard way and now my cat is dead.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57And don't be sad, he was a dickhead.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Now that George is dead, I have more time for my hobbies,
0:19:03 > 0:19:06so, along with my modelling, ho-ho,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09and part-time drug dealing,
0:19:09 > 0:19:14I've also been on a play-writing course.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16How hard can it be?
0:19:16 > 0:19:21I'd like to share with you now a short piece I've written, entitled Outsider.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22Thank you.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:19:23 > 0:19:26MAKES REPEATED POPPING NOISES
0:19:40 > 0:19:44SHE MAKES GASPING AND POPPING NOISES THROUGHOUT
0:19:52 > 0:19:55SHE GASPS SLOWLY
0:19:57 > 0:20:00That's a short play about a fish out of water.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Thank you so much. Thank you. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:13 > 0:20:17'For indiscretions, Dave has been forgiv'n,
0:20:17 > 0:20:21'but Sharon still hates him and thinks he's a-dim.'
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- Night, Mum.- Night.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36That was a sick night, fair Knave.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Aye, football, fighting and darts.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- Anyway, show yourself out. - HE HICCUPS
0:20:45 > 0:20:48He thinks I should decant myself in the spare room
0:20:48 > 0:20:50and spare Sharonetti my fumes.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57'Tis a shame, for I am hornier than a rhinoceros,
0:20:57 > 0:20:58but to breathe Sambuca,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01it would inflame the violence of her shots.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05And yet,
0:21:05 > 0:21:10in here, Sharonetti sleeps.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11'Tis a code.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14To let me know all is forgiv'n.
0:21:14 > 0:21:19To remove her slip and slip inside at the slip of a moment.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22OWL HOOTS
0:21:22 > 0:21:28And now, firm love, sweetly with my stick of man rock,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30for my balls are heavier
0:21:30 > 0:21:32than a documentary about Anne Frank.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37SHE SCREAMS
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Oh, the treachery! Poison.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44I am stabbed by the pork sword of thy pink warrior.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- You are quite literally a motherfu...- Nay!
0:21:48 > 0:21:53Ladies, driving my stake thus was a mistake. You, I thought it.
0:21:53 > 0:22:00Lies. 'Twas all lust. He could not resist my new permed locks.
0:22:00 > 0:22:05Sharonetti, that is false. Yea, I stuck my willy in your mum.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10The pure intention was to bone you while you slept.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13A blanket of honour covers this rager of untruth.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Your coffin is sealed shut, Daveutio,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18and you have nailed it with my mum.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- Nailed!- Nay, babe, think on.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I have but loved you twice.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28By entering the thing from which you came out.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Out!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Pleasure with me have no more thought.
0:22:33 > 0:22:39Now the pleasure has been in my mother's minge sought.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42But I didn't enjoy it!
0:22:45 > 0:22:48APPLAUSE
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Thank you.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54And now, a musical duo who put the word "filth" into the sentence,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"Oh, fabulous, some filth!" It's EastEnd Cabaret!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59CHEERING
0:22:59 > 0:23:06Hello, darlings, hello, hello. I am Miss Bernadette Byrne
0:23:06 > 0:23:09and this is my half-moustached accompanist, Victor Victoria.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11But darlings, I need some advice from you.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13I went on a very strange date on Tuesday.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Oh, no, no, no, not Tuesday. Let's... We need to
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- talk about something else.- And we tried to work out what happened,
0:23:18 > 0:23:20because the date was great.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23We had dinner, we had lots of gin, and then he came back to our place,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25and we started to fool around, you know.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Things started to get a bit heated.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30So I went to the bathroom to slip into something a little bit more...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32naked.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37And when I came back, it was really quite...bizarre.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40# He was lying on the bed
0:23:40 > 0:23:42# He was naked, toe to head
0:23:42 > 0:23:45# And his penis was the first thing that I saw
0:23:45 > 0:23:47# With a member so enraged
0:23:47 > 0:23:50# Like a beast had been uncaged
0:23:50 > 0:23:52# I had never seen such rigidness before
0:23:52 > 0:23:55# So I hopped on and had my fun
0:23:55 > 0:23:57# In half an hour the job was done
0:23:57 > 0:24:00# I got off, I rolled over and I saw
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- # It was still hard...- Psst!
0:24:04 > 0:24:08# It was standing stiff and tall and proud and strong
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- # It was still hard...- Psst!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- # Well, you know...- Bernadette!
0:24:12 > 0:24:15I thought he'd be a quickie! I was wrong.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18# It didn't seem to need a rest
0:24:18 > 0:24:20# And I do enjoy a test
0:24:20 > 0:24:23# So penis, I say to you "En garde!"
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- # It was still hard...- Ahem!
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- Bernadette! No! - # I got back on for round two
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- # There was much work left to do - No!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33# And one orgasm is not enough for some
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Oh, crap!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36# But in rounds three and four and five
0:24:36 > 0:24:38- # How is this penis still alive?! - No!
0:24:38 > 0:24:41# With all that sexing you would think the guy would come, you know?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43# So I licked him round the rim
0:24:43 > 0:24:45# And I stuck my finger in
0:24:45 > 0:24:48# And I wiggled but the bastard didn't flinch
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Oh, God.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- # It was still hard - No, no, no!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56# It mocked me with its bald and shiny head
0:24:56 > 0:24:59# It was still hard - fuck, seriously?
0:24:59 > 0:25:03# So defiant, like a flagpole on the bed
0:25:03 > 0:25:06# So I put on some crotchless pants
0:25:06 > 0:25:08# And I did a sexy dance
0:25:08 > 0:25:11# Oh, penis, to you I say "En garde!"
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- # It was still hard... - I need to tell you something!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16# I couldn't believe what I saw
0:25:16 > 0:25:18# Six times and still it wanted more
0:25:18 > 0:25:21# I showed it porno films and then Two Girls, One Cup
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Is that still relevant?!
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- # After seven hours straight I shoved a japple up his ass.- What?!
0:25:26 > 0:25:30# But this giant, ugly penis was still up
0:25:30 > 0:25:33# So I punched it in the head
0:25:33 > 0:25:35# Then I taped it to the bed
0:25:35 > 0:25:39# But it sprung back up and slapped me in the face
0:25:47 > 0:25:48No more!
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!
0:25:53 > 0:25:58- # I poked it, choked it Hit it with a leather strap.- Bern!
0:25:58 > 0:26:01# I flicked it, kicked it Even gave his balls a slap
0:26:01 > 0:26:02# I humped it, pumped it
0:26:02 > 0:26:05# Covered it in Deep Heat - feel the burn
0:26:05 > 0:26:07# How do you like that? Blow jobs, hand jobs
0:26:07 > 0:26:09- # Use my feet to rub it - Please stop!
0:26:09 > 0:26:11# Whipped cream, chocolate Shouted for the best
0:26:11 > 0:26:13# There was nothing less I tried it all
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- # And this erection would not fall - Wait!
0:26:15 > 0:26:17# How dare it mock me on my bed... #
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Damn it! He was dead!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22LAUGHTER
0:26:25 > 0:26:27APPLAUSE
0:26:37 > 0:26:40APPLAUSE
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- Well. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:50 > 0:26:55That is... That's weirdly humbling, to have a song based on me.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57LAUGHTER
0:26:57 > 0:27:02If we've left you wanting more after the show, head straight to:
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Or Nan, we'll scan the word "laugh"
0:27:04 > 0:27:07and send it on a piece of A4 through to your fax machine.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10For now, from me and the Electrolytes, goodbye!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I'm sure it's pretty similar to BBC Scotland, but that was the studio.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- SCOTTISH ACCENT:- He's saying that was the studio.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21There's the kitchen, where you can make tea.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24He's saying there's the kitchen, where you can make yer English piss.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25And that's basically it.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28And now he's saying he's basically a massive butthole.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31So I'll be in the kirn, if you have any further questions.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Sorry about him. I think he's trying to impress you
0:27:34 > 0:27:35with the whole Scottish thing.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37He was hoping you'd hate me because I was English.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Oh, right! I didn't even realise you were English.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Yep. Born and bred.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Anyway, just got to go and lock up the production office.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Take that, ya filthy Brit!
0:27:54 > 0:27:58BAGPIPES PLAY