0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Welcome to the studio tour. Through there is the green room, so-called
0:00:07 > 0:00:08because the acts go green with nerves.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11- Allow pause...allow pause for chuckle.- John, turn around.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14- I saw you wearing that earlier. - Oh...well, did it scare you?
0:00:14 > 0:00:16- Not really, you fell down the stairs.- You saw that?
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Why didn't you help me? I only just got my leg out of the banister.
0:00:18 > 0:00:23Well, it's your tour group that are going to be screaming for help, when they see this!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26- Ring-ding-ding-ding, ring!- Is that a whisk?- Yeah, for your brains!
0:00:26 > 0:00:28I'd feel very threatened if you were near a plug.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Well, very, very threatened... HE HISSES
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- What is this? Why are you trying to ruin my tour?- Ruin?
0:00:32 > 0:00:35I'm trying to help it. Ever been to London Dungeons?
0:00:35 > 0:00:36Yeah, with those weirdos in fancy dress.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Scare artists, yes, of which I am one.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Just left the dungeons, actually. It really started to fuck with my head.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Plus, I accidentally punched a girl.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- I think I read about that. - It's possible.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Anyway, I'm just trialling out a new character.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Introducing...Toxic Angel!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Please, Tom, don't.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57My evaluation is today. So far, I've only got one really good joke.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59It's about BBC bureaucracy.
0:00:59 > 0:01:04Anyone feel like there's too much red tape? Three whole rolls!
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Oh, my God!
0:01:06 > 0:01:10There's only one thing that's going to stink worse than that joke...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12toxic waste!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- Have you actually farted?- Yes.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Live At The Electric!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:51 > 0:01:53We've shipped the beasts of buffoonery from the three
0:01:53 > 0:01:56continents of comedy, sketch, character and stand-up,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59to create our very own Zaney Zoo.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00LAUGHTER
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Yes, I am the master of this menagerie.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03You're grinning baboon host,
0:02:03 > 0:02:07defecating hefty chunks of hilarity into my curled paw,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09then flinging it at your faces.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12HE IMPERSONATES A MONKEY
0:02:12 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER
0:02:15 > 0:02:18Now, why am I here? I do lots of stand-up about my dad.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20You often get criticised for doing too much about your dad,
0:02:20 > 0:02:22"That's all he talks about is his dad."
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I've got a strong relationship with the bastard!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I think it's time to talk a little bit about my mum.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30A new character to be welcomed to the stage, someone that looks like me, sounds like me.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33As opposed to my dad, who's six foot tall, blonde, curly hair,
0:02:33 > 0:02:34body builder and manly.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- HE GIGGLES - Glittery question, Ma, Papa!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:41My mum...I look too much like my mum.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Is there anyone in the room who looks too much like one parent,
0:02:44 > 0:02:45so that it's a bit creepy?
0:02:45 > 0:02:48It's even worse when it's the opposite gender parent.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50No little boy wants to look like a woman!
0:02:50 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I can see it's worse for girls when you look like your dads.
0:02:54 > 0:02:55I know that's worse!
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Here come the twins, one's old with a penis.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:00But my mum's brilliant.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03We've got the same energy, spring out of bed after six hours' sleep,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06make lists, clean, clean, clean...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08..clean until you're through to the magma.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:13In fact, the only time when we ever fall out is anything to do
0:03:13 > 0:03:16with teaching my mum technology or her not understanding technology.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18The five bars conversation...I've gone through three phones,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21through throwing them at the wall because of the five bars.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23"'I've got five bars." "I've got five bars as well."
0:03:23 > 0:03:26One of you is lying...yeah?
0:03:26 > 0:03:27LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:29I've got five bars. No, you haven't!
0:03:29 > 0:03:31You can't have five bars cos I've got five bars
0:03:31 > 0:03:33and all I can hear is...eh-oh-eh-oh-eh-oh.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36The only thing worse is the time difference. What is it?
0:03:36 > 0:03:37I don't know what's in a mum's brain
0:03:37 > 0:03:40but she cannot get her head around time difference.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42"If you're three hours ahead, what time is it there?"
0:03:42 > 0:03:44It's midday, have a guess, Mum.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45What's that plus three?
0:03:45 > 0:03:46"I don't know".
0:03:46 > 0:03:49The most irritating one was Australia.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Australia, 12 hours difference, yeah.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55You just change the AM to a PM. A toddler could work it out, mum!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58It's midday here, so it's midnight at home.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00"Right..."
0:04:00 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:03So, if I call you in three hours will you be up?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05LAUGHTER
0:04:05 > 0:04:07No...in three hours' time!
0:04:08 > 0:04:11You all know people that have moved to Australia.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Who's got friends or family that have moved to Australia?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Now, British people, it makes me laugh,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18they go on their gap years in their teens, "Australia was so amazing!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20"Sod this, this country's just a waste of time!
0:04:20 > 0:04:24"It's economically bankrupt, the weather's horrible, I'm going to move to Australia.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- "See you later, England, you stink!" - LAUGHTER
0:04:26 > 0:04:28We stay here. How long is it?
0:04:28 > 0:04:32Two, three, four, five years before you get that phone call,
0:04:32 > 0:04:33"I just want to come home."
0:04:33 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:37"It's so boring. Everyone's so happy, everything's so perfect.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40"I've not seen a dog shit for weeks!"
0:04:40 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:44It is not in your DNA to be happy.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47It's not in your DNA, United Kingdom, to be bathed in sunshine.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50We're not cut out for it. It's even worse when people move to America.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54"Have a nice day." You don't know anything about my life, mate. I'm going to kick your teeth out, yeah!?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55LAUGHTER
0:04:55 > 0:04:57"You have a nice day now."
0:04:57 > 0:05:00I'm surprised the phrase "have a shit day" hasn't started in England.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01LAUGHTER
0:05:01 > 0:05:04It's just too happy for us in Australia, we don't like it,
0:05:04 > 0:05:06we're not cut out for that level of happiness.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Mind you, has anyone ever been out with an Australian girl or an American girl
0:05:09 > 0:05:11or an American man or an Australian guy?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13They're fun to go out with.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Australian girls in bed are brilliant!
0:05:14 > 0:05:19"Yeah, that's so flaming bonzer! Oh, that's flaming bonzer, don't stop!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22"That's so flaming bonz..." You know how they finish, don't you?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25IMPERSONATES DIDGERIDOO
0:05:25 > 0:05:27APPLAUSE
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Now, if political correctness meant a day working with these guys,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I'd dropkick a puppy just to show off my soft side.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38Make way for the Electric's resident political thriller,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40it's WitTank, The Situation Room.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42APPLAUSE
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Prime Minister, this is a very real nuclear threat.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57They're bluffing.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59They have missiles targeting every major
0:05:59 > 0:06:01city around the world, we can't take that chance.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04They won't blow up the world, it would be madness!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06We need a decision now, sir!
0:06:06 > 0:06:07- We give them what they want.- Sir!
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Anything. Understood?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Bring up the video link.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- Hello.- This is the Prime Minister of Great Britain.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24I urge you, stop this madness.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Nobody has to die.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- We will give you what you want.- Anything?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Anything.- OK.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Demobilise your troops, immediately.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- Done.- Relinquish control of our territory.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Fine. Is that all?- Yes.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45- Actually, there is one more thing. - What?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49You sing "Believe" by Cher for me now.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- What?- Cher, "Believe", now!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- I'm not doing that.- Engage missiles!
0:06:56 > 0:06:59# Do you believe in life after love...#
0:06:59 > 0:07:00Do it properly.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03# Do you believe in life after love?
0:07:03 > 0:07:04Yeah, work it.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07# I can feel something inside me say
0:07:07 > 0:07:11# I really don't think you're strong enough, wow!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Enough!
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Very good.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Thank you.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Like I said, anything in the name of peace.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22Now, for me, you sing "Summer of '69".
0:07:23 > 0:07:24Bryan Adams?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Fuck off!
0:07:26 > 0:07:28LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:34 > 0:07:35WitTank!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38OK, well, our next act is such a ladies' man, his photo has to
0:07:38 > 0:07:42be printed on sponge to soak up the tsunami of feminine drool.
0:07:42 > 0:07:48It's the premier product of the Costa Del Macho, esta Antonio!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Hola, muchachos!
0:07:58 > 0:08:04It's me, Antonio, seduction expert, master love-maker
0:08:04 > 0:08:07and vilified physiotherapist.
0:08:08 > 0:08:13I am world famous for my ferocious love-making skills.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15What can I say?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I have a very, very talented penis.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24HE GROANS
0:08:28 > 0:08:31CHEERING
0:08:31 > 0:08:33APPLAUSE
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Here, that's for you.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37AUDIENCE GROAN
0:08:37 > 0:08:39You might want to wash your hands.
0:08:41 > 0:08:46Being impressively arrogant, I can deal with any situation.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49You see, every now and again in life, you're going
0:08:49 > 0:08:51to be forced into a difficult position.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54And I'm not talking about the reverse cowgirl.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:57So, tonight, I'm going
0:08:57 > 0:09:02to show you a foolproof method to resolve any conflict, OK?
0:09:02 > 0:09:08Me, I'm like Gandhi, except I'm not a skinny little bitch!
0:09:08 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:13But I'm not just going to tell you how to resolve conflict,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I'm going to show you. Look at this couple arguing.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19They need someone to help them resolve their conflict.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Plus, she's pretty hot, so I'm going in.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24LAUGHTER
0:09:24 > 0:09:27We have to carefully get their attention, OK?
0:09:27 > 0:09:32Me, I like to throw a massive ham into the situation.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34HE GRUNTS
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Yes!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39You see, when you're arguing
0:09:39 > 0:09:42and suddenly a pound of ham hits the floor, you stop being angry
0:09:42 > 0:09:45and you start being all, "Fuck me, it's a giant ham!"
0:09:45 > 0:09:47LAUGHTER
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Now that we've got control of the situation,
0:09:50 > 0:09:54we have to separate the conflicting parties, OK,
0:09:54 > 0:09:58but make sure you treat them both equally, OK?
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Hey, baby! Hey, come over here.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Yes, nice. Fuck you!
0:10:03 > 0:10:04LAUGHTER
0:10:04 > 0:10:07You look gorgeous. Can I get you a beverage? Here you go.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Hey, lovely, have a drink, yes.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Don't worry, you can have one as well...mmm.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13LAUGHTER
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Asshole...mmm.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I think he's had a bit too much to drink.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23That's probably the cause of all your problems in your terrible,
0:10:23 > 0:10:26terrible relationship.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27HE GRUNTS
0:10:27 > 0:10:31I think, at last, we have found the problem of their conflict.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34So now, what do we do? We resolve it...
0:10:35 > 0:10:37..with a cattle prod.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Just one for luck...excellent.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Problem resolved!
0:10:47 > 0:10:51And I'm pretty sure it's pissed itself.
0:10:51 > 0:10:52LAUGHTER
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Now, eat your ham.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Later, make some bacon...mmm.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Thank you.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Antonio, ladies and gentlemen.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Time to go and check on the Bullsmoor Youth Club to see the man
0:11:11 > 0:11:14entrusted with the future of our youth - it's Pete Swivel!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:11:20 > 0:11:23REPORTER: In 2013, a BBC documentary crew filmed the everyday
0:11:23 > 0:11:27happenings of a North London youth club on Bullsmoor Lane.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Its name, the BYC. Its leader, Pete Swivel.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35I don't care what you've seen outside Chicken Cottage,
0:11:35 > 0:11:37all right, this ain't some kind of laugh.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40I run knife awareness courses every couple of months and they are,
0:11:40 > 0:11:44without doubt, the most important thing I do here at the BYC,
0:11:44 > 0:11:46hands down!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Unless there's Champions League on and then I just scrap it.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51But, yeah, violent crime's a problem in the area
0:11:51 > 0:11:54but you've got to think why these kids are doing it.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Right, I have kids come to me every day here that are bored
0:11:57 > 0:11:59and frustrated, no-one listens to them.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Not the police, their parents, the Government
0:12:01 > 0:12:04and that's why my job is so important.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08I mean, I have little Darren come to me and say on Friday night,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11he got his mate's dog and wanked it off!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13LAUGHTER
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Obviously, my first question was, "Why on earth did you do that?"
0:12:17 > 0:12:21He said, "Pete, it looked like he had the hump."
0:12:21 > 0:12:25But my point is, they know they can come to me in the strictest
0:12:25 > 0:12:28confidence and I'll zip my mouth up and throw away the key.
0:12:28 > 0:12:34All knife attacks have one thing in common, knives.
0:12:34 > 0:12:35LAUGHTER
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Right, and jealousy is the number one trigger.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Right, there's sexual jealousy.
0:12:41 > 0:12:46For example, well...like, Jane,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49you've potentially got a motive to attack Keisha cos she's got
0:12:49 > 0:12:52a picture of your boyfriend on her phone.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- He's chatting shit.- You fucking serious?- No, he's joking.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Right, a naughty one, with all his plums hanging out.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Swear down, you've asked for it, I'll fucking rip your weave out!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I was expecting tension, yeah.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Jealousy's a touchy subject but my philosophy is,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08if you come face-to-face with the green-eyed monster,
0:13:08 > 0:13:10you don't back down.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13No, you stab him up.
0:13:13 > 0:13:15I'm telling you now...
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Right, yeah, there's material jealousy as well.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21For example, Tony,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23it's no surprise those Jay-Z head phones went
0:13:23 > 0:13:25missing from your bag the other week
0:13:25 > 0:13:28and then I see Mike warming his ears with a pair over the park.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- You steal my beats, bruv!?- You knew it was my birthday the other week!
0:13:32 > 0:13:33ARGUMENTS DESCEND INTO CHAOS
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I had to do something!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42THEY SHOUT
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Right, listen! Just calm down, will you?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Just shut up, will you?!
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Darren wanks off Antony's dog!
0:13:54 > 0:13:56LAUGHTER
0:13:56 > 0:13:59They do say, "A problem shared is a problem halved."
0:13:59 > 0:14:03I just hope, for Darren's sake, a problem tweeted is a problem solved!
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Cos this thing's trending now.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:07 > 0:14:09SHOUTING
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Well, at least there's no helicopters about.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16So, turned out better than the last one.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:22 > 0:14:24Pete Swivel!
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Now, it's time for a woman
0:14:25 > 0:14:28so difficult she won't even make time to boil your bunny.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Please welcome America's favourite bunny microwaver,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33it's Loretta Maine!
0:14:34 > 0:14:36APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Woohoo! Hi!
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Hi, they're hearing.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Just going to do a quick sound check.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49# Someone's going to die tonight! #
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Can you hear that? Is that loud enough? Is that OK?
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Erm, hi.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I'm from the US, erm, but I live in the UK now
0:14:57 > 0:15:01because they said I should go somewhere with tighter gun control.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06Erm, and I'm really enjoying meeting British people
0:15:06 > 0:15:09and I'd like to dedicate this song to, erm,
0:15:09 > 0:15:14all the British men that I've loved and lost since I arrived here...
0:15:14 > 0:15:16on Friday.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18LAUGHTER
0:15:21 > 0:15:26# My love is like a box, it's big and open
0:15:26 > 0:15:30# And inside you know you want to climb
0:15:30 > 0:15:35# But if you find someone like you to share the space
0:15:35 > 0:15:40# My box can be sublime
0:15:40 > 0:15:42# But love is like a box
0:15:42 > 0:15:45# It does fold easily
0:15:45 > 0:15:49# And suddenly it's not quite what it seems
0:15:49 > 0:15:51# And if our love should ever fold
0:15:51 > 0:15:54# I'll shut you up in that box
0:15:54 > 0:15:58# And I'll tape it up so you can never go
0:15:58 > 0:16:03# And it won't be with weak Sellotape
0:16:03 > 0:16:07# And it won't be with weak masking tape
0:16:07 > 0:16:10# It will be with branding duct tape
0:16:10 > 0:16:12# Yeah, I'm going to tape you in
0:16:12 > 0:16:16# And I'll reinforce the corners so you can't kick it in
0:16:17 > 0:16:22# Never leave me, yeah
0:16:22 > 0:16:26# You like sunshine
0:16:26 > 0:16:30# And never leave me
0:16:30 > 0:16:35# If you like fresh air
0:16:35 > 0:16:39# And never leave me
0:16:39 > 0:16:44# If you like living
0:16:44 > 0:16:47# And never leave me, if you...
0:16:47 > 0:16:51# Like your heart beating
0:16:51 > 0:16:55# Cos my love is like a box, it's decomposable
0:16:55 > 0:17:00# And it can disappear without a trace
0:17:00 > 0:17:02# And if you keep on trying
0:17:02 > 0:17:05# To escape from that box
0:17:05 > 0:17:09# I'll throw you in the Thames
0:17:09 > 0:17:13# And watch you slowly drown
0:17:13 > 0:17:15# And when they finally fish you out
0:17:15 > 0:17:19# They won't be able to identify who you are
0:17:19 > 0:17:23# So they'll bury you in a cardboard coffin
0:17:23 > 0:17:27# At least you'll feel at home
0:17:27 > 0:17:29APPLAUSE
0:17:31 > 0:17:33# My love is like a box
0:17:33 > 0:17:36# It's big and open
0:17:36 > 0:17:40# Come on in. #
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Bye.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Wow! Never get a joint mortgage with anyone!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57LAUGHTER
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Although, I think I've got quite enough red tape already.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Now, moving on, the green...
0:18:04 > 0:18:05HISSING
0:18:05 > 0:18:07What was that?
0:18:07 > 0:18:11Nothing. Erm, through there is the green room, which is...
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Toxic Angel.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14..which is full of sick.
0:18:14 > 0:18:18The acts go green while the nerves, well, before they're nervous.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Is that child OK?- What child?
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- CHILD SOBS - Yes, he's fine.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Just ignore him. Now over here is where Russell...
0:18:26 > 0:18:27He sounds really upset.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29You OK, little guy?
0:18:29 > 0:18:30HE HISSES
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- Aww! He bit me. - Ishmael, what are you doing?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35I'm so sorry, sir.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Woooooo!
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Can anybody help me?
0:18:39 > 0:18:44I've escaped from a mental asylum...for killing a human man.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Tom, this has gone too far.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- Ishmael just bit this lovely gentleman's hand.- I saw that.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Look, guys, I'm afraid the rules are, if you touch the scare artists,
0:18:51 > 0:18:53they are allowed to fight back.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Just fuck off!
0:18:55 > 0:18:56HE GRUNTS
0:19:03 > 0:19:06APPLAUSE
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Hello, welcome to the make-up department. My name's Linda.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Where are you from?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- Roubaix in France.- Oh, we have a French speaker in the room!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- FRENCH ACCENT:- I am actually fluent in zee French.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23My name is Linda and I work in the make-up room.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Is somebody over-tired and needs a nap?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31We can have chocolate biscuits later.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Look how happy he is!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Did you do a wee-wee in your knickers, sweetie?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- SHE WHISPERS:- Is that why you're so quiet?
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Come on, let me get those knickers.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- No, no, no...- Come on, they're nice.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Marcel's done a wee-wee in his knickers on the make-up chair.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47We've got a poo in the make-up room.
0:19:49 > 0:19:54- GERMAN ACCENT:- My name is Linda and I work in ze make-up room!
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- FRENCH ACCENT:- I don't think he speaks the French.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02Now, let's digress from our progress with a recess.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04It's just part of the progress, you know this!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06See you after the break.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Can I make my hair as heavy as cement, without ruining my look?
0:20:14 > 0:20:19Now I can, thanks to new "Make My Hair As Heavy As Cement Shampoo".
0:20:19 > 0:20:23"Make My Hair As Heavy As Cement" tackles dry hair, dandruff
0:20:23 > 0:20:27and split-ends, as well as making my hair as heavy as cement.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31In just 15 minutes, your hair will be as heavy as cement.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34I tried to make my hair as heavy as cement
0:20:34 > 0:20:37and already my hair's starting to feel as heavy as cement.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Now my hair's so heavy I can't lift up my head.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45And now new, heavier "Sheet Metal".
0:20:47 > 0:20:49LAUGHTER
0:20:49 > 0:20:54"Make My Hair As Heavy As Cement" and now new "Sheet Metal".
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Now, you can have heavy hair without compromising your look.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Wash your hair heavy today!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:21:06 > 0:21:08And now, a Frenchman
0:21:08 > 0:21:13so supportive of his countrywomen he refuses to trim his own pubic hair.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15It's Marcel Lucont!
0:21:15 > 0:21:17APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:21:28 > 0:21:29WOLF WHISTLE FROM AUDIENCE
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Bonsoir.
0:21:31 > 0:21:37For you now, an extract from my exquisite autobiography, "Moi".
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Concerning my first visit to England
0:21:42 > 0:21:45on a school exchange.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Which promised to us a rich, cultural experience which would
0:21:49 > 0:21:54alter our view of the British, as repressed, thuggish, simpletons.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:06The coach pulled into Coventry.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08LAUGHTER
0:22:08 > 0:22:13I emerged drowsy and agitated, having been made to sit by Maurice.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Like me, on his final warning at school.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Him, for farting a surprising
0:22:18 > 0:22:21substantial amount of La Marseillaise...
0:22:21 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER
0:22:22 > 0:22:24..me, for smoking and coarse language,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27while fucking the philosophy teacher.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29LAUGHTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:30During this long trip,
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Maurice had discovered that he could fellate himself.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39A trick he unveiled via the back window, causing a lorry to crash.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:47For a country termed by Napoleon, "a nation of shopkeepers",
0:22:47 > 0:22:52we were, naturally, bemused to find all of England's shops were shit.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53LAUGHTER
0:22:53 > 0:22:55By day three, naturally,
0:22:55 > 0:22:59I had attracted the attention of an English girl, Helen.
0:22:59 > 0:23:04The locations for our romantic encounters included cinemas,
0:23:04 > 0:23:07cemeteries and swimming pools,
0:23:07 > 0:23:10where I learned the phrase "heavy petting".
0:23:10 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER
0:23:11 > 0:23:14My father told me always that "heavy petting"
0:23:14 > 0:23:16was what had killed my hamster.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18LAUGHTER
0:23:18 > 0:23:22The school had organised for us a discotheque on the final night.
0:23:22 > 0:23:27We knew our small stash of alcohol would temper the lurid, fizzy,
0:23:27 > 0:23:29red piss we received in bottles, which the
0:23:29 > 0:23:33English boys attempted to convince us contained traces of panda.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35LAUGHTER
0:23:37 > 0:23:42In the toilets, however, I managed to obtain some speed from Gary.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Ironically, the slowest boy in the class.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Because of this, I soon misplaced Helen.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52My search led me to the biology cupboard,
0:23:52 > 0:23:56where I found Helen, alas, not alone.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01She looked up at me with sheepish eyes,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04next to where they kept the sheep's eyes.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:09But, like the sheep's heart in biology class,
0:24:09 > 0:24:14mine was torn in two as I found her there semi-nude...
0:24:14 > 0:24:16with Maurice.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Finally, he had found someone to do the job for him.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:26I learnt many English swear words that night, including
0:24:26 > 0:24:30"go fuck yourself!"... An action I made sure Maurice was unable to
0:24:30 > 0:24:33practise for many weeks to follow.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36APPLAUSE
0:24:38 > 0:24:39Goodbye.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44CHEERING
0:24:49 > 0:24:53In the last instalment Dave shagged Sharon's mum.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57It makes no difference, it was an accident done.
0:25:05 > 0:25:10- Like herpes he returns. - Itch not, mother.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14Useless shit! Rodding action shittier than a Diana Rod's rod.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Draining mother's quim of its dignity.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21May the gods pass over the trespasses done to my fuper.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Look, ask ye if I'm serious.
0:25:26 > 0:25:32Then, for the grasp of thy Essex claw, present I this.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Engagement!
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- Not quite engagement but... - Not quite? Div thou.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43What means thou "not quite", wank-air!?
0:25:43 > 0:25:49Sweet Harry and I have co-invented a pre-engagement ring, upon which the
0:25:49 > 0:25:52magic of cubic zirconia sparkles
0:25:52 > 0:25:55with the promise of what might follow.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Perhaps, here after, maybe...
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Engaged to be engaged. Ta-da!
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Thou whitened dog turd thou!
0:26:06 > 0:26:11Aye, thou bit of shit left in the tread of a caterpillar boot!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Engaged to be engaged, spiceless drumstick!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Why not serve me an empty KFC carton and be pretend it's zinger?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Lemon-white mo-fo!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Peck no more at my womanhood.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28My final, paltry attempt to build a tower burger
0:26:28 > 0:26:31from the breadcrumb of my sin.
0:26:31 > 0:26:36My chips are gambled and served, salted in the wounds of lost love.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40I shall flee the family bucket of these birds!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44It is me who has become a chicken.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47LAUGHTER
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Cock!
0:26:49 > 0:26:51LAUGHTER
0:26:53 > 0:26:56APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Thank you but that is the end of the show.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01If we've left you wanting more, after the show head straight to...
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Or if you're scared of technology, scratch out extra sketches
0:27:06 > 0:27:09on some crude bits of slate and then just move them really quickly.
0:27:09 > 0:27:13From me and the Electrolytes, goodbye!
0:27:13 > 0:27:14APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Thanks for being so understanding, it won't happen again.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21I just spoke to the guy, luckily he says he still enjoyed the tour.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25- So, fingers crossed they'll be keeping it.- Who, that guy?
0:27:25 > 0:27:26He wasn't evaluating you.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- What?- No, he's just a huge fan of the show.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32He's fucking weird if you ask me.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35I think he might genuinely be from a mental asylum.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39So, who was evaluating you, Tom?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- I don't know.- It was me.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43You'll be hearing from me in due course.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Such a freak!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Tell me something I don't know.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- What are you going to do about that girl you punched?- What girl?
0:27:50 > 0:27:51The girl on the tour.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Tom, there was no girl on the tour.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59Just joking, she's suing me. See you on Monday, newbie.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Igor!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03HE HISSES