0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language and adult humour
0:00:06 > 0:00:08ELECTRIC BUZZ Ow! Jesus!
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Stand aside. It's overheating.
0:00:10 > 0:00:12Don't! It's a circuit board, you moron.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Which is why I'm wearing the fire blanket.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Not that I need it. My grandfather was dragon born.
0:00:18 > 0:00:22- Tom, this is your job. - Yeah, well, you haven't fixed that loose scaffolding.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25- Almost broke my neck up there! - What were you doing? - Parkour. Get it fixed.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28I would. It's just I'm a bit scared of heights.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30- You... - ..huge dork!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Found your security pass outside.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Nice facial expression...not!
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Thanks. I lost this. Who are you?
0:00:39 > 0:00:43- Hi, I'm Jim. This is... - MOCKING:- "Oh, hi, I'm Jim. It's Jim."
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Please excuse the massive butthole on my elbow.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49- You've got a butthole on your elbow? - Yeah, you might want to get that looked at.- Bite me.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51What brings you here, cowboy? Not you.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Been sent in from the next door studio to help you guys out.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57What's the matter? Smokin' too much wacky backy?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Just a bit, cos our mamas is so fat!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Nice ball-busting, dude! Liking your smack talk.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Cheers, right back at ya.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Nice to meet someone who can finally take my wicked side
0:01:08 > 0:01:10without peeing in their panties or assing on me.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12BOTH: You mean crossing.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Whatever. I'm just saying. It's much more fun doing these things...
0:01:15 > 0:01:16..Together?
0:01:31 > 0:01:37APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:43 > 0:01:46Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Live At The Electric!
0:01:46 > 0:01:50Oh, can you hear that? I love it.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53This is our yogic retreat of comedy.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Join our disciples as they walk the middle way of spiritual sketch
0:01:57 > 0:02:01and ecclesiastic character en route to their comedic nirvana.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05And showing the way is me, Guru Kane, your leader,
0:02:05 > 0:02:09the Dalai Drama enlightening the path to light entertainment.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Though inevitably I will turn out to be a fraud
0:02:11 > 0:02:14that pushes us all into a weird sex tepee where we're burnt out
0:02:14 > 0:02:17by the Texan authorities.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- TEXAN ACCENT:- "Come out, Kane. We don't want no more of your horseshit!"
0:02:22 > 0:02:24You wouldn't know this, people at home,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26but we have an Italian person in the audience.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Italian person - cheer for the people at home.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Yay! - Yeah!
0:02:31 > 0:02:33When an Italian person cheers, when a Spanish person cheers,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36it's different to when a British person cheers.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38We are obsessed with smallness.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Do you think any other country,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43apart from the Greeks that do it ironically and in celebration,
0:02:43 > 0:02:47cheer when a plate smashes in a restaurant or bar?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50No! We're the only ones. No-one else feels the need to cheer
0:02:50 > 0:02:53when something's dropped or fallen over.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Has anyone...? I'll tell you, do an experiment, go to America and fall over, right.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59What do you think happens? Anyone want to guess?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01I'll tell you what happens if you fall over in America.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04This. Boom. Two seconds, someone rushes to you.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07"Oh, my God, buddy, are you OK? You really took a tumble there, are you OK?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10"I'll get Biff and Scooter and maybe some malt shake. Are you OK?"
0:03:10 > 0:03:13That's what happens. Genuine concern, right.
0:03:15 > 0:03:20Have you, er, have you seen what happens if you fall over in the UK?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Have a little fall over. Wahhh! Baboom!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27The van will actually slow down, the window will come open,
0:03:27 > 0:03:33"Wanker! Wanker's fallen over! The wanker's fallen over! Wanker's fallen over!"
0:03:33 > 0:03:36"Femur's sticking out! Your femur's sticking out!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38"Your femur's sticking out, yeah!" Drive off.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Yeah.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45But, on the more... It does flow through to some more serious things
0:03:45 > 0:03:48because don't you ever wonder, people of the United Kingdom...
0:03:48 > 0:03:52I know we're in a bit of a bad way and there's been a recession and things haven't been too good
0:03:52 > 0:03:56the last couple of years, but we're still, relatively, one of the wealthiest countries in Europe.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00But if I had children, particularly if I ever have a daughter,
0:04:00 > 0:04:02I'll be terrified that we hold the title
0:04:02 > 0:04:05for the worst teenage pregnancy in Europe, right?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07A FEW AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Yay!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Some Essex people in cheering that, not getting it.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13"Go on, Leanne, you're 17 now, carry on the tradition."
0:04:13 > 0:04:15"Form a queue, Darren, hold my chips while Gary does me."
0:04:15 > 0:04:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:18 > 0:04:21It's not a positive thing, it's not.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24It terrifies me, right?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Why is our teenage pregnancy the highest?
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Why do we get pissed the most in the evening more than
0:04:29 > 0:04:32somewhere in Spain or Italy where the booze laws are more relaxed?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Well, isn't that the point? It's about this smallness, this inwardness,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38this tightness that Brits suffer from.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41The more you suppress something, the more appealing it becomes.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43The British mind is like a bouncy castle,
0:04:43 > 0:04:45if you push down hard enough - wa-hey!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Teenage sex pops up at the other end.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Give us some more sex education for our teenagers, please.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I all I had was the drop-and-run technique from my mum -
0:04:53 > 0:04:56leaflet in the bedroom, drop, run. That's it.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58That's it. Just my mum disappearing out the door.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01We tried to bring this into Parliament, it was like, we know,
0:05:01 > 0:05:05in Sweden, in countries like that, they teach sex education to five year olds.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08We should do it. Their teenage pregnancy is lower. What happens? I'll tell you.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12All the working class dads go, "Anyone speaks to my little girl about sex,
0:05:12 > 0:05:16"I'm comin' up that school, I'll rip his 'ucking head off!" That's what happens.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Do you not understand?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21It's like having a travel jab before you go on holiday.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25A little bit of knowledge about sex stops you wanting to have it earlier.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Can you not see it? I feel sorry for primary school teachers if a little
0:05:28 > 0:05:32eight-year-old girl says, "Excuse me, teacher, I'm ready to learn. Where do babies come from?"
0:05:32 > 0:05:37The teacher legally has to say, "I'm sorry, I can't tell you where babies come from.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41"Why don't you come back when you're 14 WITH the baby, and I'll backdate the information."
0:05:41 > 0:05:44APPLAUSE
0:05:44 > 0:05:47This is the Electric, ladies and gentlemen!
0:05:47 > 0:05:52And now the look behind the scenes the NUT have been desperate to hide from view.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54It's Wit Tank! The School!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- Good morning, deputy. - You're in a good mood.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Yes. The headmaster gave me this lollipop.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Jones, your trousers?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Oh! No, no, no! Don't worry I've just spilt some tea.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19And then I wet myself.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21What are you doing?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I'm trying to decipher your medical form.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Mmm. Medical rhymes with wedical.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Jones, sometimes you're such an idiot I think you might actually
0:06:29 > 0:06:32be some sort of mad genius.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35BLEEPING AND WHIRRING
0:06:35 > 0:06:37They're pencils.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Where's headmaster? He's been gone for over an hour.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46And THAT'S how long a shit should take.
0:06:46 > 0:06:47Jones, have that clean.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51I may have misunderstood what toilet book actually means.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Headmaster, I'm trying to work out Jones' medical form.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58- He's left place of birth blank, and for blood type he's just written "red".- Leave it with me.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02- Sir, he doesn't even know where he was born. - I said I'll deal with it.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Jones is...not from this place.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08What do you mean?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10He's different.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15You see, it was years ago when I found him.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16I was still young.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I was very different back then.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21DIGITAL WATCH BLEEPS
0:07:21 > 0:07:25And THAT'S how long a shit should take!
0:07:25 > 0:07:29'And then one day I found a mysterious basket
0:07:29 > 0:07:31'and inside - a magnificent egg!
0:07:34 > 0:07:37'Immediately I was awestruck.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40'Oh! How its beauty touched my very soul.'
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Fuck me - that's a big egg!
0:07:42 > 0:07:44'And so I cared for it.'
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51HE LAUGHS
0:07:51 > 0:07:55'Nourished it, loved it. We were inseparable.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59'For the first time in my life, something was actually important to me.'
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Get out!
0:08:02 > 0:08:07'And then one day, a few weeks later,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10'it happened. My baby was about to be born.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14'It felt like my own flesh and blood.
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- 'And then, suddenly...' - Hello, I'm Jones.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19SQUISH
0:08:19 > 0:08:21I've trod on an egg!
0:08:22 > 0:08:24And just like that...
0:08:26 > 0:08:27..he was gone.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33My sweet Benjamin...little egg.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37So, where's Jones actually from?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I don't know. I think he's from Kent.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44LAUGHTER
0:08:44 > 0:08:46The School, ladies and gentlemen.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51In a world of CGI, animatronics and impossible 3D digital after effects,
0:08:51 > 0:08:54it's good to know that one of this next act has a genuine beard.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57But it's not just about Diane, Joe's in it too.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01- It's Two Episodes Of Mash! - CHEERING
0:09:05 > 0:09:07CHEERING
0:09:09 > 0:09:13Hello! Er, I'm Di... Er...
0:09:13 > 0:09:17Er... We're going to do some sketches.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- There's a bloke at the back that looks like you.- Eh?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- There's a bloke at the back of the room that looks like you.- Really?
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Yeah. Can we can we put him on the screen?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- The... The bloke there. - LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:37- Which one? - The bloke with the beard!
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- That?- Yes!
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Doesn't look anything like me. He's a... He's a right oddball!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46He looks like a gormless erection.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50- Shall we do a sketch? - You talk some shit!
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Actually can we get rid of that? It's making me feel sick.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59Put somebody else up. I don't know, picture of something.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Blue bucket.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- That'll do, yeah.- Sketch.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Right, ready?
0:10:14 > 0:10:18LOUD, CLEAR VOICE: Diane, I've... I've put soundproof glass across the stage.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27LOUDER: Diane, I've put... I've put...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I've put soundproof glass across the stage!
0:10:36 > 0:10:40SHOUTING: I've put soundproof...
0:10:40 > 0:10:42TRAILING OFF: ..glass across the...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44I don't really know how else to say it.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48I've put I've put soundproof glass across the stage!
0:10:48 > 0:10:49No, you haven't.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:59 > 0:11:00I thought that was horseshit.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- RUSSELL:- Two episodes of Mash, ladies and gentlemen!
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Now, this is a little project I've been involved with.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11It's called The Only Way Is Shakespeare.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:18 > 0:11:22A botched proposal and months of letting down
0:11:22 > 0:11:26means Sharon and Elaine must murder their clown.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30# One way or another I'm going to win you
0:11:30 > 0:11:33# I'm going to get you get you, get you
0:11:33 > 0:11:35# One way or another...#
0:11:35 > 0:11:37But to kill him, mother, 'tis too much.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Nay! 'Tis not enough.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42SHE CHUCKLES
0:11:42 > 0:11:47To twice do away with him would down this double measure.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52To resurrect him, for his own erections have pricked him thus.
0:11:53 > 0:11:58Plus, in death his gaffes will pay for this Essex gaff
0:11:58 > 0:12:01is insured in thy name!
0:12:02 > 0:12:06He hath undone himself with his own oiled keys.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10A backspace stuck down with spunk, thus deleting himself.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- DOOR CLOSES - Hark! The tosser approaches.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Speak once more the plan.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19These slapper mags will slap him hard down.
0:12:19 > 0:12:25In boyish lust will he reach for 3D-specs so that tarts' floppers
0:12:25 > 0:12:28slap-bang in his face!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30So doodled by D cups he cannot draw breath?
0:12:30 > 0:12:35Mmmm! Like a politician's expense - conceal thyself!
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Ah, the day indeed! It's brighter than a savant child and...
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Tits!
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Ah! So many tits!
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I'll pluck out mine eyes for areole do disrupt my pupils
0:12:55 > 0:12:57so that no teacher could bring focus.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Oh! More tits than an office party!
0:13:05 > 0:13:11Oh, now the slappers' bangers! They do smother me!
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Ah, ghost tits - can I taste thy spectral nips?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Oh ho, man!
0:13:17 > 0:13:19HE GASPS
0:13:19 > 0:13:22The boner... it draws the blood from my lungs.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25HE WHEEZES
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I die! I die!
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Chris Moyles' career!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42In lust did he wank himself unconscious.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Look, even in death does his boner live on.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Bless.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49He is deader than Jeremy Paxman's eyes.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Hashtag - gutted.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:58 > 0:14:02I see your nine and I raise you ten. Magic attack! Moshi monster.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Fuck! You're good at this!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- Give me them moshlings, baby! - I'm out. I'm haemorrhaging shinies.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10And for Jim.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16What's that guy's deal?
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I don't know. I'm thinking of getting rid of him.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Nice little hideaway you got here. Is it top secret?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Not really. Everybody knows about it. They just seem to keep their distance.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29That's the way it should be, man. I've given up on trying to get on with my crew,
0:14:29 > 0:14:33especially since Clara. Let me tell you something - do not shit where you eat.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Did you sleep with her? - Nah. Pooed myself in the canteen.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Clara told everyone.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43So, you're a fan of Carmen Electra? More of a Pam Anderson man myself.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48Yeah, I told Tom once I had sex with Carmen Electra and he believed me. BOTH LAUGH
0:14:48 > 0:14:50You know I had sex with Pam Anderson.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Yeah, I had sex with Carmen Electra. - Nice.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Wonder what those two chumps are up to now.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Don't know. Doubt they're having as much fun as us.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03JAUNTY ITALIAN OPERA MUSIC
0:15:03 > 0:15:05PHONE RINGS
0:15:05 > 0:15:07INAUDIBLE SPEECH
0:15:07 > 0:15:08SLURPING
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Now, for the kids on the street, their lives aren't complete
0:15:20 > 0:15:24without access to our main man, Pete. It's Pete Swivel!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:29 > 0:15:33In 2013, a BBC documentary crew filmed the everyday
0:15:33 > 0:15:37happenings of a north London youth club on Bullsmoor Lane.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Its name - the BYC. Its leader - Pete Swivel.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Greg, what you got in your pockets? - Nothing. Nothing.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48All right, go on. What you...? Oi, oi, oi. Come here.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- You got to hide it better than that. - SHE GROANS
0:15:51 > 0:15:53'I'm running a Question Time style thing here this afternoon.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56'I want these kids to know that their voices are important
0:15:56 > 0:15:59'and should be heard, right.'
0:15:59 > 0:16:01So I've created a forum where they can get whatever they feel
0:16:01 > 0:16:05like off their chests without fear of judgment or limitation.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Right, everybody, the thing is...
0:16:06 > 0:16:09All right, Trev, we've heard enough boring shit off you now.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12There's no bent coppers round here. Just let it go.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Right, has anyone else got any questions?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- Yeah, I've got a question about the club.- Yeah, brilliant. Fire away.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- Do you lot clean up around here? - Yeah, of course. - HE SCOFFS
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Then why is the bogs like the one out of Trainspotting?
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- OTHERS AGREE - Well, it keeps the flies out the kitchen, doesn't it?
0:16:25 > 0:16:29It's out of order. Can't even use the disabled cos it's your personal throne.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33My back stiffens up in the mornings. I need the handle things to hold on to.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37OTHERS GRUMBLE What about when that disabled kid came in here the other week?
0:16:37 > 0:16:38He had to wait for you to finish.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41He had an Arsenal sticker on his wheelchair.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43He's lucky I didn't make him go in the bushes.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- So why are the activities round here so rubbish?- Leave it out!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I bought you lot a ping-pong table last month.
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Give me a break!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- We helped you take it out of the skip!- Yeah!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53And we're still waiting for bats.
0:16:53 > 0:16:58Well, use your imagination then, Ty, you know? Or your hands.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00It's Question Time not a bloody witch hunt.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I've had enough. Time for a few home truths, right.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- You lot...are fat bastards. - What?
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- It's true. - I'm sorry, but...
0:17:09 > 0:17:13All I see you doing is stuffing your faces with shit.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17I mean, have a look. He's eating a burger and these two have got a large donner on the go.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21What's going on here? That's why you've been spouting all this rubbish today, innit?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23It's all this crap turning your brains to mush.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26You all know my mate Gary who runs the marathons?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- ALL AGREE - Right?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Well, he's on a diet of nothing but steamed veg and salad.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35He's coming first in every race he enters.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Do you know why? It's cos he's got that winning, mental attitude.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Healthy body, healthy mind.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Didn't that guy try to kill himself?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48He did, yeah.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52I think the strict dieting triggered his depression, so...
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Don't believe everything you hear. Right, Ellie?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58- Yeah.- Next up.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Is society still inherently racist?
0:18:03 > 0:18:07Didn't you have one about the Thorpe Park entrance fees?
0:18:07 > 0:18:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Love it.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Now, if you think a baguette is a small bag, prepare to get le sac!
0:18:16 > 0:18:20- It's Marcel Lucont! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Salut!
0:18:30 > 0:18:35Time for a titbit from my forthcoming autobiography, Moi,
0:18:35 > 0:18:39part of which I am told is too explicit for broadcast.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46So, chapter four, the loss of my virginity.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49I hope you enjoy it.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51HUSKILY: I know I did.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59It was autumn 1993, in Montmartre, Paris.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04"Paradis", read the sign in filthy but beautifully curved letters,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07just as Father had described.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10"Mimi," I enquired.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11I think I may have stammered,
0:19:11 > 0:19:13but when one is saying the name Mimi,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16one can get away with such things.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19It was not Mimi, and for this I was thankful.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22There stood a woman of an indeterminate age.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Half-smoked roll-up cigarette hung from her frowning mouth.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31Her hair, once perhaps cascading in carefully teased ringlets,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34had now taken on an entirely more pubic nature.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39And there was no doubt she had seen more cocks
0:19:39 > 0:19:42than an Alsace chicken farmer.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45She led me down the corridor.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49The gloomy wallpaper trying its best to escape from the walls
0:19:49 > 0:19:51and largely succeeding.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54The floorboards beneath her heavy frame squeaking
0:19:54 > 0:19:56like an over-exuberant gay.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02The madam rapped a fat knuckle on the door, grunted,
0:20:02 > 0:20:06pushed me forward and trudged back to her menopause.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10And now, here stood Mimi.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Beautiful, pale complexion,
0:20:13 > 0:20:18hair luxurious chocolate brown, large, doughy, come-to-bed...
0:20:18 > 0:20:19tits.
0:20:21 > 0:20:26The boudoir strewn with petals, created an intoxicating aroma.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30To this day, even the sight of so many flowers sends me back
0:20:30 > 0:20:32and plays wonders with my senses.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36I believe this is why I get aroused at funerals.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40I hope this is why.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46She beckoned me in with an innocent smile,
0:20:46 > 0:20:51which belied her experience, which I was about to discover.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56SEXY SAXOPHONE MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:00 > 0:21:05MUSIC FADES INTO FAST ACID JAZZ
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Seven hours later...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27I left the establishment a man.
0:21:27 > 0:21:31And five years later, I returned to look for Mimi,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33hoping I may receive a loyalty discount.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38But, in place of Paradis, was a whitewashed building,
0:21:38 > 0:21:42soulless, sexless, sanitized.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44An estate agency.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I walked away, disappointed,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50yet somehow content in the knowledge that,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52although Paradis was gone,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54persons were still going to that building
0:21:54 > 0:21:58on a daily basis to be fucked in exchange for money.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19My name is Ivy Macabre.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I have summoned demons from the ashes of hell
0:22:22 > 0:22:27and I have walked in the fiery footsteps of Lucifer himself.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29This is my brother, Maurice.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I ate my hamster.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39Since leaving the circus, we've been living in this house all on our own.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Our parents died, tragically locked in the hall of mirrors.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44The cause of the fire was never discovered.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48We were born with very special gifts.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I can fly!
0:22:55 > 0:22:57We also have psychic abilities.
0:22:57 > 0:23:01We can channel the spirits who have passed onto the other side.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04HE WHEEZES
0:23:04 > 0:23:06That's his asthma.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13This is our pet. His name is Kruger.
0:23:13 > 0:23:14He's always asleep.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16SCREAMING AND BANGING BEHIND DOOR Why?!
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Um, don't worry about that. It's just the boiler...
0:23:19 > 0:23:20A very large donkey.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22A very large donkey.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23In the boiler.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Definitely not somebody inside that we're going to kill in a minute.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30We're just like any other brother and sister really.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32GUNSHOT
0:23:34 > 0:23:36It wasn't me.
0:23:43 > 0:23:47- ONSTAGE:- The Twins Macabre!
0:23:47 > 0:23:50I feel a desperate urge for cabaret.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Dimly-lit rooms, intimate candlelit settings
0:23:53 > 0:23:56and a complete disregard for fire regulations.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Sate me now, lord of the cabaret!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01It's East End Cabaret!
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Hello, darlings, hello, hello!
0:24:06 > 0:24:09I am Miss Bernadette Burn
0:24:09 > 0:24:13and this is my pet weirdo behind the bush, Victor Victoria.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15It will all make sense in a minute.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Now, darlings, we need to ask you a very personal question, OK?
0:24:18 > 0:24:21We want you to answer honestly, openly.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Just shout it out into the room.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26Darlings, have you touched yourselves today?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29GIGGLING / NO-ONE ANSWERS
0:24:29 > 0:24:33- No-one?!- Really, really? - Not a single person?
0:24:33 > 0:24:36My God, Victor, it's worse than I thought!
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Normally, we get at least one creepy guy at the back going, "Yes!"
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Darlings!
0:24:42 > 0:24:46It is so important, so important that you take the time
0:24:46 > 0:24:53out of your crazy, busy, stressful day to just have a fiddle.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56OK, no matter where you are, no matter what you are doing,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58when you feel that beautiful urge,
0:24:58 > 0:25:03you just have to play with yourselves, darlings.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04DARK ELECTRO MUSIC PLAYS
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Oh, yes, especially you!
0:25:07 > 0:25:12# Walking through the bushes and a twig goes snap
0:25:12 > 0:25:13# Snap!
0:25:13 > 0:25:18# Night is getting darker but it's not time to nap
0:25:18 > 0:25:20# Don't nap!
0:25:20 > 0:25:23# You don't know who's watching
0:25:23 > 0:25:26# But you know that it's part of the thrill
0:25:26 > 0:25:28# Danger wank!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32# Danger wank! Uh-ohhh!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34# Danger wank!
0:25:34 > 0:25:39# Oh ye-es! Danger wank
0:25:39 > 0:25:44# Afternoon screening in the cinema
0:25:44 > 0:25:45# The cinema
0:25:45 > 0:25:50# No-one else around you, just an old grandma
0:25:50 > 0:25:52# Hey, grandma!
0:25:52 > 0:25:58# She's three rows away and the film has started to play
0:25:58 > 0:26:00# Danger wank!
0:26:00 > 0:26:01# It's a thrill!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# Danger wank!
0:26:03 > 0:26:04# Lots of explosions!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06# Danger wank!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08# Uh-oh!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10# Danger wa-a-a-ank!
0:26:10 > 0:26:11# Bang!
0:26:11 > 0:26:16# Bus is stuck in traffic and you can't get off
0:26:16 > 0:26:17# Oh, yes, you can
0:26:17 > 0:26:22# Sweaty people push you and that guy has got a cough
0:26:22 > 0:26:24# Don't think about it
0:26:24 > 0:26:30# Just put your paper on your lap now and don't look them in the eyes!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32# Danger wank!
0:26:32 > 0:26:33# Embarrassed...
0:26:33 > 0:26:35# Danger wank!
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- # That you unzipped your fly! - Danger wank!
0:26:39 > 0:26:42# From nine to five you've had a bad day at work
0:26:42 > 0:26:43# What?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45# You're feeling stressed out and your boss is a jerk
0:26:45 > 0:26:47# Your boss is a jerk
0:26:47 > 0:26:49# This is what you should do - put your hands down your pants
0:26:49 > 0:26:52# Wait till he's watching then do a little hand dance
0:26:52 > 0:26:54# Chokin' the chicken
0:26:54 > 0:26:55# In the back of the bus
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# Bashin' the bishop
0:26:57 > 0:26:59# It's time to relax
0:26:59 > 0:27:00# Spanking the monkey
0:27:00 > 0:27:02# Between the shadows in the alley!
0:27:02 > 0:27:03# Flicking the bean
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# At Starbucks!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07# Fluffin' the hamster
0:27:07 > 0:27:08# Greasing the gherkin
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# Fluffing the muffin
0:27:10 > 0:27:14# Massaging the kebab!
0:27:15 > 0:27:21# In public!
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# Danger wank! #
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Thank you, darlings!
0:27:26 > 0:27:31We have been East End Cabaret and we will see you at the bar!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Oh!
0:27:40 > 0:27:42So, that is the end of the show.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47If you need even more extra special bits go to....
0:27:47 > 0:27:50But from me and the electrolytes, goodbye!
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Listen, Tom, please don't take this the wrong way,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00but...I managed to switch the rotas.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02I'm going to be working with Jim in studio eight.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04Oh, that is such a relief!
0:28:04 > 0:28:06I was going to say the same thing.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08I'm going to be working with Jim too.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11The cool one, obviously, not the massive lanky dork.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Right, well, I guess this is goodbye.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17Hasta la vista, buttface!
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Just going to fix the scaffolding.
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Shit! I didn't fix that circuit...
0:28:30 > 0:28:32See you on Monday, newbie.