0:00:02 > 0:00:04That's the fifth time you've shaved today, why you bothering?
0:00:04 > 0:00:07- We all know you don't gots pubes. - Is it cool to have lots of pubes?
0:00:07 > 0:00:08I guess not. Brazilian.
0:00:08 > 0:00:11Oh, listen, Tom, my dad's coming to the show tonight,
0:00:11 > 0:00:14- so I was wondering if maybe we could be left alone.- OK, cool.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17- What's your dad going to do? - No, no, not me and you, me and my dad. Just try not to be annoying.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20- What's your dad like? Is he a DILF? - No.
0:00:20 > 0:00:22What? No.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25- He's actually a professional singer. - Oh, God.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Another one of Simon Cowell's robots, no doubt.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Erm, Dad's a bit more highbrow than that.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- What's the last thing he did? - Jersey Boys.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Has your dad ever seen The Scorpion King with Dwain "The Rock" Johnson?
0:00:36 > 0:00:39- I doubt it.- Because that is begging to be made into a musical.
0:00:39 > 0:00:43I think I speak for my dad in saying that is a terrible idea, Tom.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45People are always saying how similar we are.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47I guess that's why we both ended up working in the world of stage.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51- Backstage. Very different. - Hello Papa.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54- Hello, Silly Socks. - Silly Socks.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Let me look at you.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Oh, my finger is raw from your face.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01So once you've shaved, let's get on with this little backstage tour
0:01:01 > 0:01:03so Papa can enjoy the real show.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06Well, interestingly, Papa, the show doesn't actually start without
0:01:06 > 0:01:11my say so. So without further ado, strap in and enjoy the ride.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15You left the safety on.
0:01:16 > 0:01:24THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE
0:01:30 > 0:01:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Live At The Electric!
0:01:46 > 0:01:49CHEERING
0:01:49 > 0:01:53A circus of character and carefully choreographed sketch
0:01:53 > 0:01:54with me at the centre.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Now, you're probably sitting at home watching this thinking,
0:01:57 > 0:02:00"Hey, that looks pretty glamorous doing stand-up in a piss-smelling,
0:02:00 > 0:02:03"condemned theatre with a smashed-up piano." But let me tell you,
0:02:03 > 0:02:07my feet are firmly on the ground. They're so firmly on the ground that I refuse, whenever I can,
0:02:07 > 0:02:10VIP - I like to mingle with normal people, and recently
0:02:10 > 0:02:13I was on holiday in Thailand, I was having a wicked night,
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I was there with my girlfriend, Lindsey from Manchester, Linz-ehh!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- As it's pronounced. - LAUGHTER
0:02:18 > 0:02:21And this was the mistake I made,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24instead of going through the lit path down the beach on the way home,
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I thought, right, take the short cut, through the dark path,
0:02:26 > 0:02:31to where the taxi was waiting, and that's when this little incident happened.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32As I was walking, I heard this,
0:02:32 > 0:02:36"Russell, can I have a photo, please? Please, Russell?"
0:02:36 > 0:02:39So I turned around to do the photo. As I turned round to do
0:02:39 > 0:02:43the photo, and I'm cleaning the language up a lot for BBC THREE,
0:02:43 > 0:02:48this guy said, "Don't effing bother, I think yer effing shite." Right?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51Two big Geordies start abusing me verbally,
0:02:51 > 0:02:53"That's right, you're effing shite, don't come back.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"We don't want an effing photo and that." What am I going to do?
0:02:56 > 0:02:58It's two massive Geordie guys. Big.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00You know how big the Geordie guys are. It was two of them,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03with the vest, with one bit of string vest going down the middle,
0:03:03 > 0:03:05and a tit muscle hanging over each one.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08They'd been doing that dance some men have all night, which is the
0:03:08 > 0:03:10heterosexual fist pump dance. "It's the only dance move I've
0:03:10 > 0:03:14"effing well got, it's like punching and dancing at the same time."
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I'd been dancing next to them going "Oh, I can feel the sand on my feet, I love Thailand.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22"It's so amazing. I'm just so connected."
0:03:22 > 0:03:24I've got a brilliant ability to resist abuse.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I wouldn't have become a stand-up otherwise, but it's carrying on.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31"That's right, walk off, you effing shite." Doing the fist pump. But I'd forgotten,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34I'm dating a Northern girl, not a Southern girl,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37and Northern girls attack, yeah?
0:03:37 > 0:03:41But Lindsey, she's just lost it. Turned around, in a dark alley,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43to two pissed-up Geordies and gone...
0:03:43 > 0:03:48- IN NORTHERN ACCENT: - "Why don't you both piss off? You're just fucking jealouuuus."
0:03:48 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Now, something went in my brain and I felt myself turning.
0:03:53 > 0:03:57Five foot ten and 11st
0:03:57 > 0:03:59of eyeliner-wearing ponce
0:03:59 > 0:04:01is turning around.
0:04:01 > 0:04:07I've turned, I've turned. In my bag is two bottles of beer.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10They are plastic, but these two guys don't know that, right?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12I pulled these two bottles out and went,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15"Come on then, let's do this."
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- LAUGHTER - Now, you know that thing your parents tell you?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21"Hey, just stand up to bullies, they soon back down."
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Thanks for that lie. Thanks for that lie, Mum.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27And these guys are coming towards me, I can't get out of it.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Lindsey has lost it, she's not tough any more.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32- IN NORTHERN ACCENT - "I'm sorry, let's go, don't look back in anger, I'm sorry."
0:04:32 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:39But I've... I've suddenly got the testosterone of three bouncers, right?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I'm just stood there like that going, "All right?"
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I'm even doing what some men do, which is, you know the fight salsa
0:04:44 > 0:04:46with the hips? I've got a bit of fight salsa going,
0:04:46 > 0:04:48"You want some of that, do you?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51"Got a bot of fight salsa in my hips mate, do you want that?"
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Hip fight salsa.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I didn't even know I could do fight salsa!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59These guys are coming towards me.
0:04:59 > 0:05:04As his face has entered the orb of light, it's completely
0:05:04 > 0:05:09changed into this wonderful, benevolent smile, and he said this...
0:05:09 > 0:05:11"Oh, it's you! Sorry, mate, I thought you were
0:05:11 > 0:05:16"Nick Grimshaw, the shit one from Radio One, I'm sorry. I love you."
0:05:16 > 0:05:18"It was just banter, that's my banter, mate."
0:05:18 > 0:05:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:21 > 0:05:26So, prepare yourselves for political drama so full of credibility,
0:05:26 > 0:05:30the script is in 24 point, bold and underlined. Set the font to
0:05:30 > 0:05:35impact and the printer to landscape, it's The Situation Room!
0:05:35 > 0:05:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:45 > 0:05:47The system is still down, this is code-red.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50- Prime Minister, we've been hacked. - How serious?- Damn serious.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- They have control of our missile systems.- We have to reset the nuclear passwords immediately.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- Give me the laptop. It can be anything?- Something secure.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- OK done.- Great, what was it?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04What?
0:06:04 > 0:06:05But it's my password.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Look, this is a matter for national security,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09- you can't be the only one that knows.- Erm...
0:06:09 > 0:06:11We need that password now, sir.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Oh. Oh, no, I think I've forgotten it.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- Nuclear firewalls have been breached.- Can I pick a new one?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Give us the password now or you'll get us all killed!
0:06:18 > 0:06:19Oh, really?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21OK, then.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23- I...- Yes.
0:06:23 > 0:06:24- ..want...- Quickly.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26..to see
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Sarah's...
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Oh, my God.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:33..muff...
0:06:35 > 0:06:36..now.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Was that it?
0:06:42 > 0:06:444.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Because I needed a number.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Hurry, the hackers are taking control.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- It hasn't worked. - Wait. How do you spell muff?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Quick tank.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Now, it's time to spin the gentrification dial all the way to
0:07:02 > 0:07:06borderline royalty, it's Chastity Butterworth!
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Oh, gosh! Ooh!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Ooh!
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Ooh. Oh!
0:07:19 > 0:07:22So, my name is Chastity Butterworth
0:07:22 > 0:07:25and being called such a name led me to have
0:07:25 > 0:07:27a lot of nicknames at school.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Like Chaz and Titty...
0:07:29 > 0:07:30LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Titty Butts...
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Butty Face.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Squirter, but...
0:07:37 > 0:07:40that's another story.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43So I wonder if anyone here has any nicknames.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Sir, do you have a nickname at all?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46What do you call him?
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Tight Git.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51The Tight Git. Well, Tight Git,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54will you join me on stage? Tight Git everybody, come!
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Come along.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Good evening, what a lovely pair of legs.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04So, if I may shorten your name to Git, is that all right?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Perfect.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08So if you can come closer, come on, don't be scared.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10So, now then,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I have written some plays,
0:08:12 > 0:08:16and now Git and I are going to perform them for you, aren't we, Git?
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- Yes.- Good boy. All right.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23So, this first play is set in the very dramatic setting
0:08:23 > 0:08:24of a pharmacy.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I know, "Oh, Doctor, stop it." All right.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Ready, go.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35Hello, sir, and welcome to the pharmacy, how may I help you?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Just some paracetamol, please?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Ooh, paracetamol.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I like the way you say that, say it again?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- No.- Oh, no.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48I like the way you say that, say it again.
0:08:48 > 0:08:49No.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Ha-ha.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53Thank you.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Now, erm...
0:08:58 > 0:09:01This next play, there's two plays in this next section
0:09:01 > 0:09:05entitled, How To Disarm And Overt Violence With Manners.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09I know. So we're going to see the first play without manners
0:09:09 > 0:09:12and the second one with, just to see the power of them.
0:09:12 > 0:09:16All right. Where it says, you, "Because I'm incredibly angry," Git,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19that would be lovely, incredibly angry. Ready, go.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21You just stood on my toe, you absolute craphead.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23LAUGHTER
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Well, you deserved it, prat face.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Fuck you.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Fuck you.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30I'm going to kill your family.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33LAUGHTER
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Right, so, you can see, because I didn't apologise
0:09:36 > 0:09:38for stepping on Git's toe,
0:09:38 > 0:09:42now my family are in grave danger.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45So we're going to see the second play, but this time with manners,
0:09:45 > 0:09:46just to see the power of them.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Nice and angry again, Git. Ready, go.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51You just stood on my toe, you absolute craphead.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Oh, I am so, so sorry.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55That's OK.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Family saved.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Family saved, unless of course you don't like your family,
0:10:04 > 0:10:07in which case do tell them to fuck off. Now...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Thank you. Well that's it, everybody.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Git, thank you, the drama section everybody, off you go.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Off you go. Off you go.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Now, finally, a short one-woman play
0:10:20 > 0:10:22I've written about safe driving.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Indicate!
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Thank you. Thank you.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Good night, thank you. Oh, gosh, thank you so much.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Oh, ooh.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Are you fed up with your large vegetables being stolen?
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Well, thanks to genetic engineering,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43we've managed to create boiling hot marrows.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59SIZZLING
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Fuck, that's hot!
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Shitheads! Argh!
0:11:04 > 0:11:05Boiling hot.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09It's taken the skin off my shitting hands!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Boiling hot marrows, touch them
0:11:11 > 0:11:13and they'll take the skin off your hands.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Arseholes!
0:11:15 > 0:11:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:18 > 0:11:22What a brilliant idea! Now, this truly is a new discovery,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25someone who's hardly ever been on stage in his life.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Be gentle with him, give him lots of support, because I think there's
0:11:28 > 0:11:30some real talent there. Ladies and gentlemen,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32it's Roger Showbusiness.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:34 > 0:11:37MUSIC: "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits
0:11:52 > 0:11:54MUSIC FADES
0:12:02 > 0:12:04LAUGHTER
0:12:07 > 0:12:11Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13I'm Roger Showbusiness.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Oh, God...
0:12:16 > 0:12:18LAUGHTER
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I'm here tonight because my psychiatrist suggested that
0:12:21 > 0:12:25I try stand-up to help build my confidence.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:34What's with that?
0:12:38 > 0:12:40A catch phrase.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Are you ready to laugh?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Roger can't hear you.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54LAUGHTER
0:12:55 > 0:12:58I said, are you ready to laugh?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Oh, God, really?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06Let the fun begin.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Don't make me COMB over there...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15..said Bobby Charlton
0:13:15 > 0:13:19when taunted about his balding hairstyle.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22AWKWARD SILENCE
0:13:22 > 0:13:23LAUGHTER
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Jesus Christ.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33If a box of paperclips is travelling at 30mph in one direction,
0:13:33 > 0:13:35and a stack of photocopy paper is
0:13:35 > 0:13:38travelling at 30mph in the other direction,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41and they collide...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43are they still both stationary?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER
0:13:47 > 0:13:49APPLAUSE
0:13:54 > 0:13:58I can't even remember why that's supposed to be funny.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00And I wrote it.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04What's with that?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06LAUGHTER
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Well, that's all from me, Roger Showbusiness.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14To be honest, the thought of continuing in front of all of you
0:14:14 > 0:14:17makes me want to be sick in my own mouth.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24HE GAGS
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Oh, God, I'm so sorry...
0:14:34 > 0:14:35What's with that?
0:14:35 > 0:14:37LAUGHTER
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Good night.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43This is bullshit.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51So, next up we've got the rota I designed. I know what you're thinking. "Aah!"
0:14:51 > 0:14:54But luminous highlighter's kind of my trademark.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56# How very, very boring. #
0:14:56 > 0:14:58You'll notice everyone's got a...
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Boo! Oh, dear, someone's booing you.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Papa, I saw it was you.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04What? Me?
0:15:04 > 0:15:06It WAS me.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10# The man who booed his son. #
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Your voice is incredible.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Yep, should have heard him in Jersey Boys, still one of my faves.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Oh, how strange. It's one of my least favourites.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Although, you're the expert, I suppose.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Since you're tone deaf and you work backstage.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26# And a huge disappointment. #
0:15:26 > 0:15:27# Sorry pa... #
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Oh, God, Tom, warn us!
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- What are you up to next? - Oh, presently working with
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson on a musical adaptation
0:15:34 > 0:15:36of The Scorpion King.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Yes, Mackintosh is sniffing around for a writing credit.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I guess some things never change.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Come on, Dad, now it's time for my performance.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46You know those Excel short cuts I was telling you about?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Going to do them blindfolded. - Oh, dear.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52I thought for a moment you might mean perform on stage.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- I'll give it a miss. - I do mean on the stage.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Tonight.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- I'm going to do five minutes. - Five minutes of what?
0:16:01 > 0:16:02Of entertainment.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- Russell said I could do five minutes at the end.- No, he didn't.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07That actually works perfectly for me, guys.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10I'm leaving early to bleach my J-Cloths, so you're on.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Sorry, I was listening to the whole thing.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Oh, looking forward to it.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Oh, thank you.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22And now, please welcome a minstrel so submerged in mirth,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25his delightful ditties could give you decompression sickness.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Chortle snorkels on stand-by,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30it's Alex Smith!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Hello.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Well, you might think that women flock to someone who looks like
0:16:42 > 0:16:44if Princess Anne joined Wham...
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Erm, but it's not the case, but luckily I've found
0:16:47 > 0:16:51the perfect place to meet women. We had one at university, it was
0:16:51 > 0:16:54a medical health centre, and erm...
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I found a leaflet, it was a condom instruction leaflet
0:16:57 > 0:17:02and it said, "These condoms work fantastically with lubrication.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06"However, don't use any natural lubricants like baby oil
0:17:06 > 0:17:07"or butter."
0:17:07 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Now, if you are out of KY,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Lurpak should not be your go-to.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19And I really can't stress this enough,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22despite appearances, a vagina...
0:17:22 > 0:17:24is not a jacket potato.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER
0:17:34 > 0:17:36# It's 10pm
0:17:36 > 0:17:39# And MasterChef is over
0:17:42 > 0:17:43# You say you're going to bed
0:17:43 > 0:17:47# I know you're down for some sexual exposure
0:17:50 > 0:17:51# You like to talk dirty
0:17:51 > 0:17:55# You like to be so rude
0:17:58 > 0:17:59# Say something filthy like
0:17:59 > 0:18:02# Not tonight, not really in the mood
0:18:03 > 0:18:06# I know what you're saying
0:18:06 > 0:18:11# So I go down to the box of refrigeration
0:18:14 > 0:18:19# And I grab us some dairy lubrication
0:18:21 > 0:18:23# Got butter, got a rubber
0:18:23 > 0:18:26# Maybe me and you should spend a night under the covers
0:18:26 > 0:18:28# Take off your jeans Let's get obscene
0:18:28 > 0:18:31# Oh, girl, thanks to margarine
0:18:31 > 0:18:32# Oh-oh-oh... #
0:18:32 > 0:18:33Oh!
0:18:37 > 0:18:42# And now I have to eat all of my sandwiches dry
0:18:42 > 0:18:44LAUGHTER
0:18:46 > 0:18:50# My bed looks like where Homer Simpson died
0:18:50 > 0:18:53LAUGHTER
0:18:54 > 0:18:56# I used up
0:18:56 > 0:19:00# All of my low-fat Flora-ah-ah-ah
0:19:02 > 0:19:05# When I was breaking in
0:19:05 > 0:19:08# Your back door, ah-ah-ah-ah
0:19:10 > 0:19:13# You were on your knees You were looking pleased
0:19:13 > 0:19:17# You were full of Omega 3
0:19:17 > 0:19:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:23 > 0:19:25# We were all a-flutter and then you utter
0:19:25 > 0:19:27# I can't believe we just used butter. #
0:19:27 > 0:19:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Thank you very much.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46In 2013, a BBC documentary crew filmed the everyday
0:19:46 > 0:19:50happenings of a North London youth club on Bullsmoor Lane.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Its name, the BYC.
0:19:52 > 0:19:54It's leader, Pete Swivel.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00- Just leave it with me, you don't need names. You don't, honestly. - Just make sure it's done, then.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Will do, I've known these kids for years. You don't need to get involved.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- Any trouble, come back, but for now...- Just sort it out. - Thanks a lot.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Yeah, cheers, mate. Thank you.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11I can't believe it, he said some of the kids had been seen
0:20:11 > 0:20:13smoking weed round the back of the bins.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I ain't seen nothing though, and if it's one thing we pride ourselves on here
0:20:16 > 0:20:20at the BYC, is that you're innocent until proven guilty.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23No matter what's gone on before.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I don't need proof, you punk - you've got previous smoking that shit.
0:20:26 > 0:20:30And why are you still doing it anyway? You'll put on weight with all the munchies, you know that,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- and you don't need it with your complexion.- Pete, man,
0:20:33 > 0:20:35I'm a musician - smoking the green is what we do, bruv.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38You can just about play Happy Birthday on your
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Cash Converters keyboard - you ain't selling out the O2 just yet.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44It makes me more creative, though. It unlocks doors in my mind, blud.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Look at Shakespeare, he loved a Jamaican Benson.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Yeah, and look at the tripe he churned out.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- What? He's the greatest!- Is he?!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Me and the ex went to see Macbeth at the Old Vic last year
0:20:54 > 0:20:56and couldn't make head nor tail of it, right?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I was yawning after 20 minutes and Trudy passed out on a bloke's lap.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02If you want to show a girl a really good night,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Starlight Express.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Rock music, dancing, roller skates,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10girls in little hot pants shaking their arses, blinding.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12And you know who it was written by?
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, and he's clean as a whistle.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Even though he does look like a smackhead.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22LAUGHTER
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Anthony needs to learn that if he does the crime, he'll do the time.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28And the same goes for anyone else around here.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30If my kindness is abused and they act like animals,
0:21:30 > 0:21:32then that's how I'll treat them.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Look, there's loads here, pick it up.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I mean, I caught a kid with half a gram of cocaine on him the other month, you know what I did?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Exactly what I did to my cat when it shit on the carpet,
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I rubbed his nose in it.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Unorthodox.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46And it did accelerate the problem, he's in rehab now.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50But, you know, you can't save them all, can you?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I can try and stamp out drugs around here
0:21:52 > 0:21:55until I'm blue in the face, but I need support off the parents as well.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58people like Anthony's dad, who's been absolutely brilliant.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Nice one, Barry, straight ahead.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02He's had 100 of these T-shirts printed up as well for me
0:22:02 > 0:22:05to hand round. He's loaded, but it's still really good of him.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09And he's obviously been affected by what Anthony's going through, so...
0:22:09 > 0:22:11he's set up a helpline.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Really nice touch.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Pete Swivel doing important work in our community.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Our next act are such a part of this show's foundations
0:22:24 > 0:22:27we have to inspect them twice a year for structural defects,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30and I'm pleased to report that Joe has passed his survey!
0:22:30 > 0:22:32It's Two Episodes of Mash!
0:22:41 > 0:22:43It's the last episode!
0:22:46 > 0:22:47Which is lucky for us.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Kind of run out of stuff.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Yeah, we're really scraping the bottom of the barrel now.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Oh, shit.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- But as it's the last one...- Oh! - ..thought we'd...
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I've found the remote control for the screen.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Brilliant. As it's the last one...
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Been looking for that for the whole series.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11- It was in my pocket the whole time. - Hmmm.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13- As it's the last one... - Oh, it's working.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15LAUGHTER
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Do you think we can get ITV on here?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- As it's the last one...- I'm going to try anyway.- OK, then.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- I'll try.- Hmmm.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Oh... I've pressed settings.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Oh. As it's the last one of the series...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35I've pressed something called Old People.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- I don't care. As it... - What does that mean?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41I don't... Ooh. As it's the last one of the series, what we're going to do is, we're
0:23:41 > 0:23:45going to start with a dance routine we've been practising, come on,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47let's do the dancing, we've got to put on white gloves,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49so give us a sec. Hold on.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09APPLAUSE DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:24:19 > 0:24:21MUSIC STOPS
0:24:21 > 0:24:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:36 > 0:24:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:39 > 0:24:40That went all right.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Thank you.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Carpet!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50LAUGHTER
0:24:55 > 0:24:56SOMEONE WOLF-WHISTLES
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- Don't like your carpet. - Don't give a shit.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05That's magic.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10- It's not magic.- That is magic. - It's not.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12- You don't believe me? Get on it, then. Go on.- I'm not getting...
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- Go on.- No.- Go on.- No.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Get on it!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Nothing's happening. - Oh, is it not? Is it not?
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Nope.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Check behind your ear, go on.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31It's a 50 pence piece.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:35 > 0:25:39Check it, check it. Check in your pocket, go on.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Go on.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43An egg.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Check... Go on, eh? Check...
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Check backstage, check backstage.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Go on, go on.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- My elephant's gone! - Check under the carpet.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03The ace of clubs.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Oh, shit, something's gone wrong.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07LAUGHTER
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I think I'm going to have to buy you a new elephant.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Two Episodes of Mash, ladies and gentlemen.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38That's it for now, but if you're after more exclusive content,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41head straight to...
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Or alternatively, send us a stamped, addressed envelope
0:26:44 > 0:26:47and we'll send it to you on Betamax, MiniDisc or DAT cassette.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49In brackets, we won't.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Now, to finish up today, as it's the last show, we've got
0:26:52 > 0:26:57something a little bit different, you're going to love him, please welcome to the stage - Tom!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01- Right, they're ready for you, mate. - Here's the thing, my dad's here...
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Yeah, I know, your dad's here and you want to impress him, this is your chance.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08- No, I was just pretending so that he...- Good luck, mate.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13WHISTLE
0:27:13 > 0:27:14I...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17I...
0:27:18 > 0:27:20I...
0:27:20 > 0:27:26# I dreamed a dream in time gone by
0:27:26 > 0:27:31# When hope was high and life worth living
0:27:31 > 0:27:36# I had a dream my life would be
0:27:36 > 0:27:41# So different from this hell I'm living
0:27:41 > 0:27:45# So different now from what it seemed
0:27:45 > 0:27:49# Now life has killed the dream
0:27:49 > 0:27:53# I dreamed. #
0:27:53 > 0:27:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Phew. Thanks so much, mate.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06God, I feel guilty, though -
0:28:06 > 0:28:08maybe I should tell my dad it was you singing.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09What do you mean? He knew it was me.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11He was auditioning me as a dubber.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14And yes, I got the job - you are looking at the voice
0:28:14 > 0:28:17of Dwain "The Rock" Johnson in Scorpion King: The Musical.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Great.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22So I guess this is goodbye.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25At least I finally get to be floor manager.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27What?
0:28:27 > 0:28:29I'm assuming I'll get your job.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31I don't work here, mate!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34I just like hanging out here.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35See you on Monday, newbie.