0:00:03 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:33 > 0:00:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Hi!
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Hi, guys, how's it going?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51AUDIENCE CHEERS This is very exciting, isn't it?
0:00:51 > 0:00:53I'm Mae Martin. Is everybody good? Are you guys well?
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- AUDIENCE:- Yes!- Did everyone have a good...childhood?
0:00:56 > 0:00:57LAUGHTER
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Our childhoods are over.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02I'm excited to be here. Thank you for having me in this country.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I'm from Canada originally. Anybody from Canada?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06ONE PERSON WHOOPS
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Oh, really? Do we know each other? Do we...?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10- Where are you from?- Alberta.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Oh, cool. That's... Don't know.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Cool. Nice to meet you.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17- What's your name?- Shannon.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Hey, Shannon. Cool.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22I'm not going to talk to you any more.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I'm excited to be in England, though. This is very exciting.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28My parents are very worried about me, though.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31My parents, Wendy and James. Give it up for Wendy and James, please.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Please! They're the best. They're so worried about me living overseas.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40They're just worried about me being alive on this earth in general
0:01:40 > 0:01:43but my mum, Wendy Martin, poor Wendy, is so anxious.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45The sentence that she says
0:01:45 > 0:01:48more than any other sentence in the English language is just...
0:01:48 > 0:01:50"Oh, my God."
0:01:50 > 0:01:54That's her level of stress, her base level that she just operates on
0:01:54 > 0:01:56all the time is just, "Oh, my God."
0:01:56 > 0:02:00I'll speak to her on the phone a lot, she'll call from Canada,
0:02:00 > 0:02:02she's always like, "How's the weather?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05"How's the weather in London?" Just furious about it.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08I'm like, "Oh, it's fine, it's a little bit damp."
0:02:08 > 0:02:09"Oh, my God.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13"You're going to get spores."
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Is that a threat in England? Spores? She's stressed about it.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Today, she was like, "What are you doing this evening?"
0:02:19 > 0:02:21I was like, "Oh, actually, I'm doing a BBC gig."
0:02:21 > 0:02:23"Oh, my God.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26"That could make you or break you."
0:02:26 > 0:02:29"Thanks, Mum! Oh, cool, I'll just relax, then."
0:02:31 > 0:02:35They're calling twice as much as they normally would as well.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38They're very concerned. I just got out of a long-term relaish,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41so they're very worried. Thank you for your sympathy, by the way(!)
0:02:41 > 0:02:44- Aw!- Thanks. It was a real, it was a three-year relaish.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46It was a proper, long-term... I think one of the early signs
0:02:46 > 0:02:49you're not mature enough to be in a long-term relaish
0:02:49 > 0:02:52is you're abbreviating the word "relationship".
0:02:52 > 0:02:54I can't get through the word, but...
0:02:54 > 0:02:57It's fine, we broke up in Decembs and, er...
0:02:57 > 0:03:01And I'm fine, guys, I'm so good. Just catching up on my reading.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Just reading her Facebook page.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07As if it's a thriller, I'm reading it.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09But, you know what - who's single, by the way?
0:03:09 > 0:03:10WHOOPING
0:03:10 > 0:03:12OK, a good number. Do you feel,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15the only time that I really feel alone, like, "Oh, no,"
0:03:15 > 0:03:19is when I'm trying to put a duvet cover on a duvet.
0:03:20 > 0:03:24It's the loneliest task. Something about it is so bleak.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I get halfway through doing that,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28I'm like, "I'm going to go write my will.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30"I'm going to sleep in the bathtub tonight."
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Yeah, but it's fine because...
0:03:34 > 0:03:38My mum, I went home to visit Canada after my break-up
0:03:38 > 0:03:41and my mum used the opportunity of my break-up
0:03:41 > 0:03:43to broach some topics with me,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45because I was in a relationship with a woman
0:03:45 > 0:03:47and my mum was like, she was like,
0:03:47 > 0:03:51"Your father and I are very sad, obviously, very concerned,
0:03:51 > 0:03:55"but we were wondering - silver lining -
0:03:55 > 0:03:57"have you thought about switching it up?"
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I was like, yeah, like, I don't talk to my mum
0:04:02 > 0:04:06about the intricacies of my dating life, but I do really like men.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11I've dated men, an eclectic group of very...lucky men in my life.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14I got Tinder, as soon as I was single, I got Tinder...
0:04:14 > 0:04:17All right, sorry, slightly before I was single...
0:04:17 > 0:04:21I got Tinder. And you know how you set your settings on Tinder,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24on that dating app, to attract a certain demographic,
0:04:24 > 0:04:28so you'll put, like, you put age, I put "18 to 700".
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Like, I'm open, and you put the gender you want to attract,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34so I put my settings to match with men and women.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37I was really surprised by, not just how shocked my friends were
0:04:37 > 0:04:40in England because they've only known me to date this one girl,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43but they were annoyed at me about it. My friends were like,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46they were like, "What?" They were like, "No."
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Like, "But...your hair..."
0:04:51 > 0:04:53They were like "You... You lied."
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I was like, "How did I lie? I didn't mean to."
0:04:56 > 0:04:59They were like, "You lied with your hair."
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Um...
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Yeah, but I did, my first boyfriend when I was 13,
0:05:04 > 0:05:07his name was Ian Peach. I think we only hung out, like, twice
0:05:07 > 0:05:09but we were in love
0:05:09 > 0:05:11and Ian Peach broke up with me on speakerphone
0:05:11 > 0:05:13while all of his friends were laughing.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15They were in the room, laughing.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- Aw!- Thanks, ten of you.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20What, 80% of you are like, "Yeah, fine, that seems...
0:05:20 > 0:05:21"That seems normal."
0:05:21 > 0:05:24No, it was the absolute worst, it was so harsh,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26and he had brought a CD player in
0:05:26 > 0:05:28- and he was playing our song over the phone, which was...- Aw!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30I know! He was playing our song,
0:05:30 > 0:05:32which is Aerosmith's Don't Want To Miss A Thing.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35That was our song because we slow-danced to it at a party
0:05:35 > 0:05:38and he got a semi, so that was our song.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41That will... That will always be our song. And he was like,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43"Look, I don't think we should see each other any more"
0:05:43 > 0:05:46and then I hear these peals of laughter,
0:05:46 > 0:05:48realise his whole class is listening. I'm...
0:05:48 > 0:05:52I'm over it now. Like, I rarely discuss it publicly...
0:05:53 > 0:05:57But, um... I was doing an interview recently for a magazine
0:05:57 > 0:06:01and the structure of the interview was ten rapid-fire questions,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04so they were like, "This will be really fun, it's word association,
0:06:04 > 0:06:07"just say the first thing that pops into your head. Easy questions."
0:06:07 > 0:06:10So we start off and it's like, "What's your favourite ice cream?"
0:06:10 > 0:06:12"What's the best thing about London?" Like, easy stuff.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15We get to the final question, they're like, "Last question."
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Rapid-fire - "Why are you gay?"
0:06:18 > 0:06:20As a rapid-fire question. And I was like...
0:06:20 > 0:06:22SHE GURGLES
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Panicking! I think if I'd had any time to think it over,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28I would have come up with something vaguely progressive like,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30"I think labels can be divisive and I don't feel the need
0:06:30 > 0:06:33"to identify as anything other than a human being"
0:06:33 > 0:06:36but I panicked and said, "Maybe Ian Peach in grade nine."
0:06:38 > 0:06:42For real, the first thing that came to my mind was his face
0:06:42 > 0:06:45and the worst part is - and I wish I had written this as a joke,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48but you can Google the interview -
0:06:48 > 0:06:50they've misquoted me and they won't change it
0:06:50 > 0:06:52and I'm now on record as saying
0:06:52 > 0:06:55in answer to the question, "Why are you gay?"
0:06:55 > 0:06:58they've put, "Maybe eating a peach in grade nine."
0:07:02 > 0:07:05It's the worst misquote...
0:07:08 > 0:07:11And the worst part is, my mum has a Google alert set up.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15You know you can set up an alert on Google where if key words come up
0:07:15 > 0:07:18you get an e-mail, so my mum has one with my name. Of course.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20So my mum got an e-mail with that interview
0:07:20 > 0:07:23and then I got a phone call, like, "Oh, my God."
0:07:23 > 0:07:26She was like, "Is it true?"
0:07:26 > 0:07:28She was like, "I don't understand.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30"We gave your brother the same peaches."
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Guys, you've been so nice. I've been Mae Martin. Thank you very much.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:50 > 0:07:52CHEERING
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Yes!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Nish Kumar.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08How are you? You all right?
0:08:08 > 0:08:09CHEERING
0:08:09 > 0:08:11What was that somebody shouted at the top?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14- Yeah!- Yeah, hi. Who's from Croydon?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16- Yeah!- Yeah!- I'm from Croydon!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18CHEERING AND WHISTLES
0:08:18 > 0:08:20I am, yeah. I'm a prominent Croydoner.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22The only other two things to come out of Croydon
0:08:22 > 0:08:25are Kate Moss and the concept of crime, so...
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- Great to see you all, ladies and gentlemen.- And me!- And you, yeah.
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Of course it would be the people from Croydon who are shouting.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Not doing anything to help our image.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39It's nice to be here, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Nish.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I hope you enjoy the jokes. I've got some jokes to tell you.
0:08:42 > 0:08:47I hope you enjoy them. If you don't, wow! I am sorry!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52That will almost certainly have been my fault.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55At least 60-40, that way round. You know?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Because the problem is, that's the problem with comedy,
0:08:57 > 0:09:01I love being a comedian and it's a job that I absolutely adore
0:09:01 > 0:09:02but it's a strange job
0:09:02 > 0:09:04because I might do it to the best of my abilities
0:09:04 > 0:09:06and you might not enjoy it.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09That's the nature of comedy, it's an inherently subjective medium,
0:09:09 > 0:09:11no two people can agree on what's funny,
0:09:11 > 0:09:13so if you don't think I'm funny, that's absolutely fine.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15The only problem I have as a comedian is that
0:09:15 > 0:09:19if somebody thinks what I'm doing is not funny, it stops being comedy.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21And there's no other job like that.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23If you're a builder and you build a wall,
0:09:23 > 0:09:26people go, "That's a good wall," or, "That's a shit wall."
0:09:26 > 0:09:29No-one says, "That is not a wall!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"You built a bloody duck, mate! What were you thinking?"
0:09:32 > 0:09:35And I like the fact that people have different opinions. I like arguing.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37I think it's part of what makes being a human being
0:09:37 > 0:09:39interesting and exciting.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41I don't like it when people can't justify their opinions
0:09:41 > 0:09:42or they do so on spurious grounds,
0:09:42 > 0:09:46like my dad doesn't like rap music. Now, listen, I like rap music
0:09:46 > 0:09:49but I know there's a lot of good reasons to not like rap music -
0:09:49 > 0:09:52misogyny, homophobia, the needless celebration of wealth.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54My dad doesn't like... LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:57That does not normally get a laugh.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Very unusual, people being like, "Ha-ha! Yeah.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"I love all three of those things."
0:10:05 > 0:10:08My dad doesn't like rap music because he says it's easy
0:10:08 > 0:10:12and then he will prove that by doing a rap.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15He'll go, "Rap music is really easy, Nish. Watch this."
0:10:15 > 0:10:19"My name is Dad and I'm here to say I'm a really great guy..."
0:10:19 > 0:10:21That's not proof of anything.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25You can't say something is easy and your evidence is you do it badly.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28It's like me going, "Jazz music's really easy. Watch this -
0:10:28 > 0:10:30"Bladi-bladi-bla!"
0:10:30 > 0:10:32"Oh, check out this easy juggling."
0:10:32 > 0:10:34MIC THUDS ON FLOOR
0:10:37 > 0:10:41And I had two different arguments with two separate friends
0:10:41 > 0:10:43because they didn't go and see 12 Years A Slave.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Now, did anyone go and see 12 Years A Slave?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48- Yes!- I like that movie, I thought it was really good.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I mean, by the end, I was crying out of my mouth.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I didn't even know that was possible.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54But two of my friends didn't go and see that film.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57One of my friends said, "Oh, I'm not going to see that film, Nish."
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I said, "Why not?" He said, "Cos it's not even a good film."
0:11:00 > 0:11:04Which I think is logically...interesting.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06I was like, "Why? What do you mean it's not a good film?"
0:11:06 > 0:11:09He said, "Well, it's just cos it's about slavery, isn't it?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11"People just think it's good cos it's about slavery.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14"It's not good. People are just tricked cos it's about slavery."
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Now, I'm pretty sure that's not the case, right,
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I'm pretty sure 12 Years A Slave did really well
0:11:18 > 0:11:20cos at least some people think it's a good film.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22In fact, I know that's the case
0:11:22 > 0:11:25cos I don't think 12 Years A Slave would have won all the Oscars it won
0:11:25 > 0:11:28if it had starred Eddie Murphy as four different slaves
0:11:28 > 0:11:30and a Chinese man for no reason.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Then one of my other friends went,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36"I don't need to see that film, Nish." I said, "Why not?"
0:11:36 > 0:11:39He said, "Oh, because I already know slavery was bad."
0:11:42 > 0:11:44It wasn't a twist ending!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47It's not like the rest of us got to the ending and went,
0:11:47 > 0:11:52"Oh, my God! Slavery was the bad guy! This is like The Sixth Sense!"
0:11:52 > 0:11:55I went to see 12 Years A Slave and I really enjoyed it
0:11:55 > 0:11:58but, at the end, I made a slight faux pas in my mind,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01because at the end of the movie, the lights came back up
0:12:01 > 0:12:03and everybody was sort of recovering from it,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05you know, it was a very moving film,
0:12:05 > 0:12:07and there was a girl behind me who was still crying,
0:12:07 > 0:12:09and this girl was black,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12and I was like, "Oh, my God, this is incredible.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15"She must have had some kind of personal connection to this film.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18"I'm so moved that I'm here to share what is clearly an important moment
0:12:18 > 0:12:21"in her cultural and personal development." And then I realised
0:12:21 > 0:12:24that's the most patronising thing I've ever thought in my life.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I know it is, because I remember how I felt a couple of years ago
0:12:27 > 0:12:30when people kept coming up to me, going, "Dude, Slumdog!"
0:12:30 > 0:12:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:34 > 0:12:38"Slumdog Millionaire. I have tasted your pain."
0:12:44 > 0:12:45So I like the fact that
0:12:45 > 0:12:47people can sort of agree and disagree about different things
0:12:47 > 0:12:50but, like I say, you just have to think about what the grounds are
0:12:50 > 0:12:51you're justifying it on.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54One of my dad's friends was arguing with me recently and he said,
0:12:54 > 0:12:58"Nish, everyone your age is really weak. You're a weak generation."
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Now, there is definitely a good argument to be made on that case,
0:13:01 > 0:13:04but not the grounds he chose, because he chose to justify that,
0:13:04 > 0:13:08he said, "You're all weak, Nish," and his justification for it
0:13:08 > 0:13:10was lactose intolerance.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12He's like, "Nish, look how many people your age
0:13:12 > 0:13:13"are lactose intolerant.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16"Back in my day we fought milk, that's how tough we were."
0:13:16 > 0:13:19But of course we all know that's not how disease and discovery works.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22The same number of people have always been lactose intolerant.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24It's just now we know it's called that.
0:13:24 > 0:13:2650 years ago, somebody would go to the doctor and be like,
0:13:26 > 0:13:28"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31"I drink milk all the time and I feel awful. What's wrong with me?"
0:13:31 > 0:13:33And the doctor would just go, "Pfft...
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"..ghosts?"
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Like, that was the best guess that they could come up with.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43So, er, I'm a British Asian gentleman.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46It's a good time to be a British Asian gentleman right now.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48It's a pretty sweet time, you know? It's pretty good.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I really believe there's nothing I can't do right now
0:13:50 > 0:13:52that a white person can. I really believe that.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55There's nothing I can't do that a white person can do.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Oh, there's one thing I can't do that white people can do
0:13:57 > 0:14:01and that's play pranks at an international airport, because...
0:14:01 > 0:14:04You know, I don't care what you say, that fun is not open to you
0:14:04 > 0:14:08if you have the voice of Downton Abbey but the face of Homeland.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11That is not an option. My white friends are always like,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13"Nish, let's have some banter with the customs officials."
0:14:13 > 0:14:16I say, "No, thank you, the only prank I'm playing
0:14:16 > 0:14:18"is Let's Not Get Fingered, OK?"
0:14:18 > 0:14:21I walk into airports, my bag in one hand, my shoes in the other.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I wear T-shirts that say "I heart the West."
0:14:25 > 0:14:29Going up to random white people, "You know what sucks? Jihad! Ha-ha!"
0:14:31 > 0:14:36I have what's known scientifically as an ethnically ambiguous face.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38No-one really seems to know where I come from,
0:14:38 > 0:14:42which just means I get searched at customs everywhere.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46I don't know, people just really hedging their bets with me.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49But generally, you know, things are getting easier,
0:14:49 > 0:14:50things are getting much better.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Even conversationally we've moved so far.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Conversationally it's no longer acceptable to do an accent
0:14:55 > 0:14:57if it's clearly an impersonation of a non-white ethnicity.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59If you do it, people get really uncomfortable.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02It's like Benny Hill doing Chinese voices in the '70s,
0:15:02 > 0:15:04it's seen as something that we just don't do any more,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07apart from one ethnic group. There is one ethnic group
0:15:07 > 0:15:10we have no problem impersonating for some reason,
0:15:10 > 0:15:14and that ethnic group is black women from the southern states of America,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17because for some weird reason, no matter how liberal a person is,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20occasionally they'll just go, "And you know momma don't like that!"
0:15:22 > 0:15:26How is that OK?! That is definitely not OK!
0:15:28 > 0:15:29If I do an Indian accent,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32people go, "Nish, you should not do that, it's crass, it's offensive.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34"And you know momma don't like that!"
0:15:36 > 0:15:38And if you take nothing away from anything else
0:15:38 > 0:15:40I say to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, let it be this.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I think we can all agree that "Momma Don't Like That" would
0:15:43 > 0:15:46definitely be the name of that Eddie Murphy remake of 12 Years a Slave.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49That is...almost beyond doubt.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I've had a lot of changes in my personal life.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I was single for a long time but I've recently, er, taken a woman.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:15:59 > 0:16:02I am almost certain that is not how you're supposed to phrase that.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03I was single for a long time
0:16:03 > 0:16:05because I was always quite sexually reticent.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Like, when I was at school, I didn't really kiss girls,
0:16:08 > 0:16:12largely because I was busy getting some excellent A-level results...
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Did very well.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17APPLAUSE Thank you, yes, correct.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22I was that kind of kid.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24And I'm aware there might be some people in here
0:16:24 > 0:16:27who kissed loads of people and did really well in their exams,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29and let me just take this opportunity to say this -
0:16:29 > 0:16:30go fuck yourself!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32No-one likes you.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37I was not the most sporty kid, to be honest.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38When I was at school,
0:16:38 > 0:16:41the only sport I really played to any distinction was cricket.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43I loved playing cricket. I still love it now
0:16:43 > 0:16:45but I loved playing cricket when I was at school,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47and eventually I won an award for playing cricket.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Every year they'd give out awards for cricket
0:16:49 > 0:16:51that were pretty self-explanatory.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53There was Best Batsman, that's for best batsman,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Best Bowler, for best bowler, Best Player, the best all-round player.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Then there was the award I won - an award called Clubman of the Year,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02an award which I have subsequently found out was
0:17:02 > 0:17:05presented on the criteria of the boy who'd shown the most enthusiasm
0:17:05 > 0:17:09in the face of, and I quote "an overwhelming lack of ability", so...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:17So I was quite, you know, I was shy around girls
0:17:17 > 0:17:20when I was at school, which is fine, it's not a problem.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21The only problem is,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24if you're shy around people you're sexually interested in
0:17:24 > 0:17:26when you're a younger person, you don't make mistakes,
0:17:26 > 0:17:28and you should make mistakes so you can have some idea
0:17:28 > 0:17:31about how to talk to these people when you become an adult,
0:17:31 > 0:17:35so I grew up, because I wasn't really trying, with some bad ideas.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38About five years ago I became obsessed with the idea
0:17:38 > 0:17:39that I needed to be more mysterious.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42I was like, "I need to be more mysterious, that's what girls like."
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Now, yeah, fair enough, OK?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Let me explain my reasoning.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51At the time I was watching a lot of episodes of the TV show Mad Men.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Now, the lead character in Mad Men is Don Draper,
0:17:54 > 0:17:57and he's really mysterious and attractive, so I was like,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59"Well, that's what I'll do. I'll be mysterious
0:17:59 > 0:18:01"and so I'll become attractive."
0:18:01 > 0:18:06Now, the key problem here is that Don Draper is played by Jon Hamm.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I am not played by Jon Hamm.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13And when I try and be mysterious, it just comes off as threatening.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I once said to a woman, with no discernible trace of irony,
0:18:16 > 0:18:19"You have no idea what I'm capable of."
0:18:19 > 0:18:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Sometimes it wasn't even like I was trying to chat these women up.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Once I went into this pub and saw a girl I know, I'm friends with her,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31and I went up behind her, put my hands on her shoulders
0:18:31 > 0:18:33and went to kiss her on the cheek and at this point I realised,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35this was not a girl I knew.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39This was a girl who looked like a girl I knew.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Now, that is a retrievable situation.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43All you have to do is say, "I do apologise, madam,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45"I thought you were someone else. Have a nice day."
0:18:45 > 0:18:46What you must not do
0:18:46 > 0:18:50is have your hands on a woman's shoulders, be this close to her face
0:18:50 > 0:18:53and when she turns around, just go, "Oh, dear!" Because...
0:18:56 > 0:18:59..you have just scared a woman, ladies and gentlemen.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Scared and kind of insulted, to be honest.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11So I'm in a relationship. The relationship is going...
0:19:11 > 0:19:16is going well, because she's a nice lady, you know?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18"Nice lady" never sounds strong enough, does it?
0:19:18 > 0:19:22"She's a nice lady. She's a solid fellow."
0:19:22 > 0:19:24If there was one thing I could change about my relationship,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27and it really would just be one thing, it's a very small thing,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30it's one thing, very small. It's one thing - it's very small.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32It's one thing - it's very small! It's one thing...
0:19:32 > 0:19:33It's one thing.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36And that thing would be my entire personality,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38because I really believe that's the last obstacle
0:19:38 > 0:19:41to us being truly happy, right?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43My girlfriend and I were in Australia last year
0:19:43 > 0:19:46and we were in Sydney and Sydney's an incredibly beautiful city.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48It really delivers on its postcard.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49There's a point you can stand in Sydney
0:19:49 > 0:19:51where you have the Harbour Bridge on one side
0:19:51 > 0:19:54and the Opera House on the other side and you can just stand there
0:19:54 > 0:19:56and look at this incredible view.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59It's really, really beautiful, and I'm there with my girlfriend,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01we've had this amazing holiday together,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04we've grown closer as a couple and we're in this incredible place.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Now, that should be a moment of real fundamental existential calm for me,
0:20:08 > 0:20:11right? But for some reason, at that exact moment,
0:20:11 > 0:20:13the thought in my head was,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15"This'll be one of those things you'll look back on fondly
0:20:15 > 0:20:17"when you've broken up."
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Who the hell thinks like that?!
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Who can't experience one moment of joy without immediately thinking,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24"That's one for the sorrow montage"?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29That is weapons-grade pessimism. That's like someone saying,
0:20:29 > 0:20:31"Do you think this glass is half full or half empty?
0:20:31 > 0:20:35And me just replying, "Does it matter? One day we'll all be dead."
0:20:36 > 0:20:37And it surprised me.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41I didn't know I was capable of that sort of volcanic pessimism.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44It sort of came out of nowhere, and I said to my girlfriend afterwards,
0:20:44 > 0:20:48"I think I might be quite, you know, quite a pessimistic person"
0:20:48 > 0:20:51and she was like, "Ha-ha-ha!
0:20:51 > 0:20:55"Yes, you are, Nish. Me and your friends talk about it all the time."
0:20:55 > 0:20:57And I felt so foolish,
0:20:57 > 0:21:00because I felt like I had this whole sense of who I was as a person
0:21:00 > 0:21:01and the more I talked to my girlfriend,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04the more that turned out to not be the case.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I sort of think of myself as a sort of free spirit,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09an optimistic dreamer who wears his heart on his sleeve,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12his sleeve on his shirt and his shirt on his torso, right?
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Now that I have a girlfriend,
0:21:13 > 0:21:15she's like, "Nish, you are none of those things.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17"You are an introverted pessimist
0:21:17 > 0:21:21"and frankly it's quite difficult to be around you a lot of the time."
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Now, the problem is that for a long time I was single,
0:21:24 > 0:21:27so my personality was under no real intimate scrutiny,
0:21:27 > 0:21:31so I basically thought about a person that I would like to be
0:21:31 > 0:21:34and then I just pretended I was that person.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38And because there was no-one checking, there was no problem!
0:21:38 > 0:21:40So I was just walking around being like, "I'm a great guy."
0:21:40 > 0:21:43And the only person there was me, who was going, "Yes, you are, Nish,
0:21:43 > 0:21:47"you are an absolute legend. You're lucky to have you."
0:21:47 > 0:21:49And my problem is that if my personality has drifted,
0:21:49 > 0:21:52that is a serious issue, because I currently believe myself
0:21:52 > 0:21:55to be the best version of myself that I'd ever been.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56I think that I've learned a lot
0:21:56 > 0:21:59and I'm acting in a way in which I am really proud.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Now, the problem is, clearly, I'm not the best version of myself
0:22:01 > 0:22:04that I have ever been, and this has happened before.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I thought I was the best version of myself I'd ever been
0:22:06 > 0:22:07when I was 18 years old
0:22:07 > 0:22:10and when I was 18 years old I was a jet-powered bell-end.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12I used to wear a bandanna and call people daddy-o.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14That's not acceptable.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19And the other problem is that I have a giant ego. Huge.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21I know you know, of all people,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24given what is happening right in front of you, right?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I obviously think I'm something of a laugh,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29clearly, by my choice of profession,
0:22:29 > 0:22:33but you have no idea the extent to which my ego has got out of hand,
0:22:33 > 0:22:36right? A couple of days ago, I was having a coffee with my friend
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and as I was speaking, I lost my train of thought,
0:22:39 > 0:22:40and the reason I lost my train of thought
0:22:40 > 0:22:43is because, as I was speaking, in my head I started thinking,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46"Well, I am being very interesting here.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52"I'm so interesting, I'm intellectually stimulating,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55"I'm a great laugh, I'm jealous of people who get to meet me."
0:22:55 > 0:22:56That's the thing.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Um, so...
0:23:01 > 0:23:04The reason my girlfriend and I had been out in Australia is
0:23:04 > 0:23:05I'd been out in Australia doing some gigs.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08I was doing some gigs at the Melbourne Comedy Festival.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09Now, the gigs were really fun,
0:23:09 > 0:23:12which is good because I didn't think they were going to be,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15because before I went to do the gigs, there was an incident.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Now, a lot of the time when you go to a comedy festival,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20there's too many comedians to interview all individually,
0:23:20 > 0:23:22so what they'll do is send out Q&As.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Now, these are all the same questions everyone gets
0:23:25 > 0:23:28and it's like a standard form that you get sent out,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31and they're all boring questions like, "Where are you from?"
0:23:31 > 0:23:33"Who are your favourite comedians?" Blah, blah, blah.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Then, occasionally, journalists will get creative.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38I have no idea why they feel the need to ask wacky questions,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40but they ask some wacky, wacky questions.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42There'll be a question like, "Oh...
0:23:42 > 0:23:43HE GIGGLES
0:23:43 > 0:23:48"If your comedy show was a dog, what kind of dog would it be?!"
0:23:48 > 0:23:49HE GIGGLES
0:23:50 > 0:23:52"I'm so wacky!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55- "Maybe- I- should be a comedian.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57"What? Shut up." Now...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I'm filling one of these things out
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and I'm happy to do it because I get to go to Australia.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I'm going through these questions and there's boring questions
0:24:06 > 0:24:08like where are you from, who are your favourite comedians,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11then there is a question that's been personalised for me.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13It's in a different font so I spot it a mile off.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16It's clearly been inserted into an existing document,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19and the question that these people had personalised for me was this -
0:24:19 > 0:24:22"How come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of their prophets
0:24:22 > 0:24:24"and Muslims aren't?"
0:24:26 > 0:24:28To which the obvious answer is...
0:24:28 > 0:24:31I don't know! My parents are Hindus!
0:24:31 > 0:24:36I've got no idea why they would think I would know!
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Now, one of two things has happened here.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Either these people have seen that I've got a foreign name
0:24:40 > 0:24:43and just thought, "Must be a Muzzer, definite Muzzer.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46"Nish Kumar is a classic Muzzer name."
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Or they think we have non-white-people meetings
0:24:49 > 0:24:52where we assemble, set the non-white agenda for the year
0:24:52 > 0:24:54and then retire to a screening room
0:24:54 > 0:24:57where we watch a DVD of Boyz N The Hood.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00And let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen,
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I was doing a gig in a part of the UK which I will not name
0:25:02 > 0:25:03and there was a group
0:25:03 > 0:25:05of nervous-looking middle-aged white people here
0:25:05 > 0:25:09and it was a three-sided room, so there were two banks of seats here
0:25:09 > 0:25:12which were empty apart from one black guy who was sat here,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15presumably because they were keeping an eye on him,
0:25:15 > 0:25:20and this guy obviously decided he was going to have some fun, right?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23Because when I used the phrase "non-white people meetings"
0:25:23 > 0:25:26he turned to make sure that they were all looking at him
0:25:26 > 0:25:28and then, in full view of all these people,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30just looked at me and went...
0:25:36 > 0:25:38You have not lived until you've seen
0:25:38 > 0:25:40a room full of middle-aged white people
0:25:40 > 0:25:42simultaneously shit their pants, right?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46So, obviously, I didn't know how to answer this question
0:25:46 > 0:25:48cos this is a contentious subject
0:25:48 > 0:25:51and, you know, I don't want to upset anybody, but I was offended.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I didn't think they had the right to ask me those kinds of questions.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57My Muslim friends wouldn't know how to answer that question,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59so I felt very uncomfortable, but it was hard for me
0:25:59 > 0:26:02to articulate my discomfort cos the next question was,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05"Oh, if your comedy show was grass, would you feed it to a horse?!"
0:26:05 > 0:26:08And I was like, "You can't jump back into whimsy
0:26:08 > 0:26:12"after you've just asked me a serious theological question!"
0:26:12 > 0:26:15But then, luckily, there was a little scope for discussion
0:26:15 > 0:26:19because the last question wasn't really a question. It was a task.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21They had given us the first half of a joke
0:26:21 > 0:26:23and we had to complete the second half.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26They'd given us the feed line, we had to write the punchline.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27You were supposed to complete this
0:26:27 > 0:26:30in a way that shows your distinctive style of humour,
0:26:30 > 0:26:32so people will come and watch you do the show,
0:26:32 > 0:26:35and the feed line they'd given us, the first half of the joke, was,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38"A book walks into a bar and sees a bookcase."
0:26:38 > 0:26:40And this is how I finished the joke.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46A book walks into a bar and sees a bookcase.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48The book says...
0:26:49 > 0:26:51"Hey, bookcase!
0:26:52 > 0:26:56"How come Christians are allowed to draw pictures of their prophets
0:26:56 > 0:26:57"and Muslims aren't?"
0:26:59 > 0:27:01And the bookcase said...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04"I don't know.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06"I am a bookcase."
0:27:06 > 0:27:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:15 > 0:27:20"And, as such, have no idea about Islamic theology.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24"I assume you've asked me because I am a brown bookcase.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29"In which case, you can go to hell."
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Ladies and gentlemen, you have been an absolute delight.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35My name is Nish Kumar. Thank you very much. Goodnight!
0:27:35 > 0:27:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE