0:00:33 > 0:00:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Good evening, BBC. Are you well?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50CHEERING
0:00:50 > 0:00:52You sound delicious. Hi!
0:00:52 > 0:00:53My name is Tez Ilyas.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I should point out at the beginning of this that I...
0:00:55 > 0:00:58I'm aware, I'm more than fully aware, that I do look a lot more
0:00:58 > 0:01:01like an overenthusiastic Apprentice candidate
0:01:01 > 0:01:02than a stand-up comedian. I know.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04It's just what they put me in.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I should also point out at this very early stage
0:01:06 > 0:01:10that I am openly Asian, OK?
0:01:10 > 0:01:13That's what that is. British Asian as well, which I love.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17I love being British. British people, give me a cheer!
0:01:17 > 0:01:18CHEERING
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Nice. Non-British people, give me a cheer.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22CHEERING
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I reckon we could take them.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26LAUGHTER
0:01:26 > 0:01:27If we all worked together...
0:01:29 > 0:01:31..take them down.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Honestly, if you're not British, you are missing out.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Frankly. That is my conclusion,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40because there are so many benefits to being British.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Literally, there are so many benefits, OK?
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Just learn how to fill out a form and it is brilliant.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49I don't call them benefits, obviously.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I call them reparations, but nevertheless...
0:01:52 > 0:01:54they're great.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57Of course, I love my roots as well, which are obviously...
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I am from Lancashire.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Allah's country.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05And I love my deeper roots as well, which happen to come from Pakistan.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09But with this background, sometimes I don't feel completely British.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Like, I'm not indigenously a British person,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13but I'm not a Pakistani either.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I guess I've got this kind of hybrid background -
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I'm a British National Pakistani,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22or BNP for short, OK?
0:02:22 > 0:02:26Let me tell you all, it is hard being in the BNP in 2015.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28You tell a liberal, they will choke on their hummus.
0:02:28 > 0:02:33It is hard for them to wrap their heads around it.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38I am Muslim as well, so I have got all of that going on.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41For those of you that don't know that much about us,
0:02:41 > 0:02:44you might recognise us from such hit TV shows
0:02:44 > 0:02:47as the News, OK? Because we...
0:02:47 > 0:02:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:51 > 0:02:54We have been on that one a lot this series, haven't we?
0:02:54 > 0:02:59We have got recurring characters, it's on at prime time.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01We have smashed that show.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08It is an interesting time being Muslim at the moment,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11cos a lot of people have written and said
0:03:11 > 0:03:14a lot of things about us over recent weeks, months, even years.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Like, some people, you know the ones out there -
0:03:16 > 0:03:18the ones with access to the internet -
0:03:18 > 0:03:21they think being Muslim is all animal cruelty,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23oppressing women and claiming benefits.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25That's what they think it is.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27What those people haven't realised
0:03:27 > 0:03:29is there are downsides as well.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:36It's not all summer camps and Nandos up here, OK?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Have you tried looking after four wives in today's economy, sir?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41It's expensive! It is expensive.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Hmm.
0:03:45 > 0:03:47I feel like... I will level with you.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49I feel like British Muslims don't get enough credit
0:03:49 > 0:03:52for how progressive we are. I will give you an example.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54My imam, like my priest,
0:03:54 > 0:03:57he is massively pro-gay marriage.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Loves it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Cannot get enough of the stuff.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03That might surprise you guys to hear that tonight.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06If I'm honest, it surprised me too, the first time I heard it.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09But he quite clearly got up in front of his congregation
0:04:09 > 0:04:11on the Friday before the weekend of the first gay wedding
0:04:11 > 0:04:14and he addressed us, a bit like I'm addressing you guys right now.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16He said to us,
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"Wagwan, Taliban?"
0:04:18 > 0:04:20No, OK. I'm em...
0:04:20 > 0:04:25No, OK, listen, I'm paraphrasing slightly for your entertainment, OK?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Let's not be so immature about it, guys. Come on.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29No, he said to us,
0:04:29 > 0:04:33"Listen, we British Muslims live in a tolerant society.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37"There is no reason why we cannot support gay marriage.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40"There is no reason why in 2016
0:04:40 > 0:04:45"one gay man cannot get married to another lesbian woman, OK?
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"There is no reason why...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51"There is no reason why we cannot support that union."
0:04:51 > 0:04:54I was like, "OK, um...
0:04:54 > 0:04:57"I don't know if he fully understood what is happening.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00"But I am loving your enthusiasm.
0:05:00 > 0:05:01"Sign me up to your newsletter,
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"cos that is going to give me LOLs."
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Despite this progressiveness, the government is really worried
0:05:07 > 0:05:10about the influence of Islamist extremism at the moment.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12They are so worried about it that they keep on banging on
0:05:12 > 0:05:15about this thing called "British values", you may have heard it.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18Banging on about it. I think that is fine on paper.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20But what's got me concerned about it
0:05:20 > 0:05:23is that the government wants to make sure that every schoolchild
0:05:23 > 0:05:26learns exclusively British values in school.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30That concerns me, because I never learnt British values growing up.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32It just wasn't on the curriculum.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Which probably explains why I have grown up
0:05:34 > 0:05:37to become such a savage.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39LAUGHTER
0:05:43 > 0:05:45But maybe the government is right.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Maybe I shouldn't be so cynical, because actually I remember,
0:05:47 > 0:05:50back in the day, I was...
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Guys, I will level with you,
0:05:51 > 0:05:55I was brainwashed with some pretty hard-core Arabic imperialism.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I remember learning some really radical stuff
0:05:57 > 0:06:00like algebra, guys. OK, it was...
0:06:03 > 0:06:06And if exclusively British values means my niece and nephew
0:06:06 > 0:06:10don't have to go through that same trauma, then bring it on, I say.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12It is not just the government, though, is it?
0:06:12 > 0:06:16I was reading the Guardian a few months ago, of course I was.
0:06:18 > 0:06:19I read this interview.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23The interview was with, like, quite a senior police officer
0:06:23 > 0:06:25from the Metropolitan police. He was a senior commander.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28He was having an interview about extremism.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32He said in this interview that Muslims in this country
0:06:32 > 0:06:36need to do more to combat extremism within its own community.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I was like, "All right.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41"A bit of self-policing.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44"Respect my authorit-ah."
0:06:44 > 0:06:46"Sign me up, I'm in.
0:06:46 > 0:06:50"All right, sir, I have signed up.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51"What should we be looking out for?
0:06:51 > 0:06:55"What is it that will make me think, 'All right, stop that, lads'?"
0:06:55 > 0:06:57He said...
0:06:57 > 0:06:58in this...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Cos I think that is probably all it is, right? If you just...
0:07:03 > 0:07:04"Stop it."
0:07:07 > 0:07:11And he said in this completely non-ironic interview...
0:07:11 > 0:07:14"Questions should be asked
0:07:14 > 0:07:16"if people stop shopping
0:07:16 > 0:07:18"at Marks & Spencer."
0:07:21 > 0:07:23HIGH-PITCHED TONE: Say what?!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29"Hey, yeah, is that Sherlock?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32"Yeah, hi, mate. Yeah, no, yeah.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34"Yeah? No. No, you're off the case.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37"Yeah, you know those... Yeah, we've solved it.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38"Yeah, you know those lads
0:07:38 > 0:07:41"who stopped shopping at Marks & Spencer six months ago?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43"Yeah, yeah, it was them.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48"Yeah... Yeah...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"Yeah, no shit...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52"Sherlock. OK, all right, bye."
0:07:53 > 0:07:57I mean, what does that extremist even look like really?
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Guys.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Because this not just any extremist.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:11This is an Isis-loving, M&S-boycotting,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Best of British extremist.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Now if there's any of you who don't know where that reference is from,
0:08:17 > 0:08:20then you're obviously part of the problem.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27I can see some of you looking at me right now thinking,
0:08:27 > 0:08:29"We like him.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31"But why...?
0:08:31 > 0:08:35"Why has he got holes in his beard?
0:08:39 > 0:08:43"Why have you got gaps in your face, brah?!
0:08:43 > 0:08:44"Are you going to explain yourself
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"or are we just staring at your chessboard face all night?
0:08:47 > 0:08:48"What is...?
0:08:51 > 0:08:52"What is going on?"
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Guys, it's my HOLY beard.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Guys, I'm just a young guy-ish - youngish guy...
0:09:09 > 0:09:11..with a dream.
0:09:11 > 0:09:16That dream is to play the Doctor in Doctor Who.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19That is all I want, OK? That's all I want.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Because, look, we are talking about a black James Bond now,
0:09:22 > 0:09:24that is a thing, so why can't we have an Asian guy
0:09:24 > 0:09:26in the lead role of Doctor Who?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I said this to my best friend. I said, "Hey, best friend.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33"I want to be...
0:09:33 > 0:09:35"the first Asian Doctor."
0:09:36 > 0:09:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:43 > 0:09:46He said, "You're a fucking idiot."
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Guys, I have been Tez Ilyas.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52If you did like my jokes or even just my politics,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54then you can follow me.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57I am going to leave in about ten minutes.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I have been Tez. Enjoy the rest of your wonderful evening.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Have a good night. God bless!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:13 > 0:10:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Hello!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Hi!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Wow!
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Thank you so much.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Yes, my name as Alex Edelman.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31Thank you so much for having me.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35I am a comedian from New York, but I've spent a lot of time here.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39I have spent a lot of time in the UK. I love it here.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40I love being an American in the UK
0:10:40 > 0:10:45as long as I never have to see other Americans.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48We are not good ambassadors for each other.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Like, the first time I was here,
0:10:50 > 0:10:52I was waiting on this train platform
0:10:52 > 0:10:54in this part of London called Kingston.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57It is, like, December, it is freezing.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00These two girls stumbled onto the platform.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03You know how some people dress with no regard for weather?
0:11:05 > 0:11:08It is December in London,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11they have dressed for, like, July in Mexico.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15It is like when they were getting ready that night,
0:11:15 > 0:11:18someone was like, "ladies, we are going to Kingston."
0:11:18 > 0:11:19They were like, "Jamaica?!"
0:11:19 > 0:11:21LAUGHTER
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Cos they're coming down the platform and they're huddled over.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31They are so drunk and they are so loud
0:11:31 > 0:11:34and they are so clearly from New York City.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37They are saying things like, "It is so cold."
0:11:37 > 0:11:41Everyone else is like, "Yeah, that is why we wore jackets."
0:11:41 > 0:11:43This British guy standing next to me,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I don't know this guy, I've never met this guy,
0:11:46 > 0:11:50he looks at them and then he looks at me and he just goes...
0:11:50 > 0:11:52"Ugh!"
0:11:52 > 0:11:53LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:55"Americans."
0:12:00 > 0:12:04I didn't know what to say to that. So I just went with...
0:12:04 > 0:12:07MUMBLING: Mm-hmm.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11And they are coming down the platform and I am praying,
0:12:11 > 0:12:15like, "Please don't notice me. Please don't notice me."
0:12:15 > 0:12:17They stop right in front of me, and for a second I was like,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19"Fuck! They can smell it!"
0:12:21 > 0:12:27And I realised I am wearing a New York University jumper.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I'm like, "Oh, clever girls."
0:12:33 > 0:12:35One of them goes...
0:12:35 > 0:12:38"You're from New York City!
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"We're from New York City!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"Where in New York are you from?"
0:12:43 > 0:12:47The British guy next to me looks at me like, "Are you?"
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Instead of handling it like an adult,
0:12:54 > 0:12:55instead of being like,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58"Shut up, you are ruining this", I panicked.
0:12:58 > 0:12:59I just looked at him and I looked at the guy,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I looked at everyone around me and just went...
0:13:02 > 0:13:04HE MOUTHS
0:13:04 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:08APPLAUSE
0:13:10 > 0:13:15I pretended to be deaf to get out of a conversation.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Everyone backed off.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Everyone just went, "No, don't want no part of that."
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Except for one of the girls who mistook "I'm sorry, I'm deaf"
0:13:26 > 0:13:30for "Hey, I can't hear you, yell at me."
0:13:32 > 0:13:37And she starts screaming, "Where are you from in New York?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39"Where are you from?"
0:13:39 > 0:13:43Then to the horrified looks of everyone, she goes,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46"WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME?!"
0:13:48 > 0:13:53And this British guy next to me is getting angrier and angrier,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56because in his mind it is not one dick American
0:13:56 > 0:14:00being a dick to another dick American,
0:14:00 > 0:14:04to him, it's one dick American being a dick
0:14:04 > 0:14:06to a nice deaf British boy.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER
0:14:13 > 0:14:15He says to the girl who backed off, he goes,
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"Hey! You better grab your mate."
0:14:17 > 0:14:19She goes, "Katie?"
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Which I could have guessed, by the way.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26"Katie? He's deaf."
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Her friend goes, "Wha...? Oh!"
0:14:30 > 0:14:35Then she gets right in my face and she goes...
0:14:37 > 0:14:39"HEY!
0:14:39 > 0:14:45"I'M REALLY SORRY YOU'RE DEAF."
0:14:48 > 0:14:53I was offended, as a fake deaf person.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00They walk off down the platform and everyone is standing...
0:15:00 > 0:15:02I don't know a lot about British people even though I have spent,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I guess, the better part of the last year here.
0:15:05 > 0:15:10But I will say that I have noticed they don't love tension.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13So everyone is doing very typical London thing of, like,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16maybe if you don't look at it, it will go away.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22Except that guy who got involved. He just stood there like this.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24This British guy is just ramrod straight.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26After a minute, he looks down on the platform at them
0:15:26 > 0:15:28and any looks at me and he just goes...
0:15:33 > 0:15:36"I can't believe you got away with that."
0:15:36 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I said to him, "How did you know?"
0:15:48 > 0:15:49He went, "Mate...
0:15:49 > 0:15:52"you have your iPod headphones in."
0:15:52 > 0:15:55LAUGHTER
0:15:57 > 0:15:59APPLAUSE
0:16:03 > 0:16:06I love it here. I love the UK. It doesn't mean that I belong here.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I know I don't belong here.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Like, a few months ago, I was on a train to Leicester. Not to brag.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I got a text from a musician friend of mine.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20The text said, "Hey! I'm going to be on Blue Peter."
0:16:24 > 0:16:27I just don't know what that is.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31No idea.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35I figured from the context it was either a TV show
0:16:35 > 0:16:38or a specific kind of MDMA.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Given I didn't know the musician that well,
0:16:45 > 0:16:47it was a girl I had a crush on, actually,
0:16:47 > 0:16:48I figured it was a TV show.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50It is a TV show. Well done me.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51So I said, "Cool. When?"
0:16:51 > 0:16:54She said, "Half an hour."
0:16:54 > 0:16:57"It's a TV show, well done me."
0:16:57 > 0:17:00I really wish I knew what kind of TV show,
0:17:00 > 0:17:04because half an hour later I walked into a pub in Leicester.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07LAUGHTER
0:17:10 > 0:17:15I went up to the oldest bartender I have ever seen and I went,
0:17:15 > 0:17:19"Hey. Can you put on Blue Peter?"
0:17:19 > 0:17:21LAUGHTER
0:17:23 > 0:17:25The bartender went...
0:17:29 > 0:17:32"It's on CBBC, mate."
0:17:32 > 0:17:34I said, "I don't care if it is Canadian broadcasting,
0:17:34 > 0:17:35"do you guys have it?"
0:17:39 > 0:17:41It's a TV show.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43It's a children's TV show.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46I really wish I knew it was a children's TV show,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49cos the bartender is going to change the channel...
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Rugby highlights were on,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53which is apparently, like, a big deal in Leicester.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56He is going to change the channel and he says,
0:17:56 > 0:18:00"Do you watch Blue Peter often?"
0:18:00 > 0:18:02I said, "No.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04"But today I have a crush on one of the guests."
0:18:04 > 0:18:06LAUGHTER
0:18:13 > 0:18:16It is a TV show for children.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20He turned it on and it was just presenters with bad hair
0:18:20 > 0:18:22making toys. Apparently that's...
0:18:22 > 0:18:25You are all nodding. That is the thing they do on Blue Peter -
0:18:25 > 0:18:29they make toys. Like, they were making SpongeBob SquarePants toys
0:18:29 > 0:18:32but they couldn't say it was SpongeBob SquarePants.
0:18:32 > 0:18:36They were like, "This is SpongeRobert RectangleTrousers.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41"And his best friend Padraig."
0:18:46 > 0:18:49The strangest thing about being out of the country is that, like,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52there are certain routines that you have at home...
0:18:52 > 0:18:55And I've been in the UK, up until last month, for almost a year.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Like, where do you get a haircut when you are away from home?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00I just googled haircuts.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I was in Glasgow, I googled haircuts
0:19:04 > 0:19:08and I walked into the first place that came up.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11I walked in, and the guy who was going to be cutting my hair
0:19:11 > 0:19:14had the worst haircut I had ever seen.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18The optimist in me was like, "he's probably the best in Scotland
0:19:18 > 0:19:20"and he can't find anyone to cut his hair."
0:19:20 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER
0:19:25 > 0:19:27That is not the case.
0:19:27 > 0:19:33And you forget how creepy a barber can be. You forget how odd...
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Like, I walked in. It's such an intimate job. Like, the guy was...
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Can I use your head for a second?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39The guy was like,
0:19:39 > 0:19:42DEEP TONE: "What are we going to do with you?"
0:19:47 > 0:19:49I was like, "Haircut?"
0:19:51 > 0:19:53The guy is like,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56DEEP TONE: "What are we going to do with your fringe?"
0:19:56 > 0:20:00I said, "We are going to cut it?"
0:20:00 > 0:20:02This is what he said to me. He went,
0:20:02 > 0:20:06"Brother, you've got to tell me something."
0:20:06 > 0:20:08This is what I decided to say
0:20:08 > 0:20:11to someone with the worst haircut I had ever seen
0:20:11 > 0:20:13who was about to cut my hair.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18I said "Hey, man, just make me look cool."
0:20:22 > 0:20:25This is the haircut.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28That guy was like, "Who is the coolest person in the world?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30"Anne Hathaway. Anne Hathaway.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36"That is the haircut you are getting."
0:20:41 > 0:20:45I have been here for about a year. I miss my siblings.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47That is the thing I miss most of all.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51I have two siblings, AJ and Austin. AJ is my twin brother.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55AJ is a professional bodybuilder.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER
0:20:58 > 0:21:00People are like, "Are you guys identical twins?"
0:21:00 > 0:21:02I'm like, "We fucking used to be!"
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Now we look like a before and after photo.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15He lives in San Francisco with two cats and no neck.
0:21:18 > 0:21:22I went to visit him. MUFFLED: "Dude, come to my gym."
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I was like, "What?" MUFFLED: "Dude, come to my gym."
0:21:25 > 0:21:29"What you mean, it's your gym?" "It is where I train."
0:21:29 > 0:21:32I went with him and he was lifting weights.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34As he was lifting the weights,
0:21:34 > 0:21:38he was looking at a reflection of himself in the mirror.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39I wish I hadn't asked, but I was like,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41"AJ, why do you look at your own reflection
0:21:41 > 0:21:43"when you lift the weights?"
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Without breaking eye contact, he went,
0:21:45 > 0:21:47"Because when you're training...
0:21:49 > 0:21:52"..it helps to look at a champion."
0:21:52 > 0:21:54LAUGHTER
0:21:58 > 0:22:02So thank God that I have another one.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05I have another brother, that one is better.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07He is way better.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09His name is Austin.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Austin is 13 years younger than AJ and I. 13 years.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Austin was planned.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20My parents insist that Austin was planned even when nobody asks.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24They will be like, "We have Alex and AJ, who are twins,
0:22:24 > 0:22:27"and Austin, who was planned."
0:22:27 > 0:22:30We just found out Austin is funny. We didn't know.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32We thought he was little-kid funny, he might be for-real funny.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34He was at summer camp this summer
0:22:34 > 0:22:36and they were introducing all the kids to each other,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38asking them icebreaker questions -
0:22:38 > 0:22:40what is your greatest strength, what is your greatest weakness? -
0:22:40 > 0:22:43One of the kids, a kid named Motty Blumenthal said...
0:22:43 > 0:22:45SCATTERED LAUGHTER Yeah, don't worry,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48it's the most Jewish name you've ever heard, it's cool.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50It is a Jewish camp, so all the kids have names like that...
0:22:50 > 0:22:53It's the good kind of Jewish camp!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER
0:23:00 > 0:23:06The icebreakers at the other kind, way less fun.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08They were introducing all the kids -
0:23:08 > 0:23:10greatest strength, greatest weakness -
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Motty Blumenthal says, "My greatest strength
0:23:13 > 0:23:15"is that I have a huge penis."
0:23:18 > 0:23:20It's funny, but Austin's was funnier, cos he went,
0:23:20 > 0:23:22"Well, I don't know my greatest strength,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24"but Motty's greatest weakness
0:23:24 > 0:23:26"is that he doesn't know the difference
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"between 'have' and 'am'."
0:23:29 > 0:23:31LAUGHTER
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Good boy. I think we are going to keep him.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Last time I saw my brothers was...
0:23:42 > 0:23:45..about 10 months ago. I saw them...
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I was travelling and I saw my brothers
0:23:47 > 0:23:51in Terminal C of Dallas Fort Worth airport.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54I fly a lot for comedy. AJ flies more than I do.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56AJ is what is known as a mileage runner.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00He flies just to get more miles, get into clubs and things like that.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02This is what he did three weeks ago -
0:24:02 > 0:24:03he flew from San Francisco to Houston,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Houston to Chicago, Chicago to Miami,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Miami to Johannesburg, South Africa.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Johannesburg, South Africa, to Mumbai.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Mumbai to Melbourne.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Melbourne to Honolulu. Honolulu to San Francisco.
0:24:15 > 0:24:20He told me that. I was like, "Why? Why?
0:24:20 > 0:24:25"How is bodybuilding not the most insane part of your personality?"
0:24:28 > 0:24:33He went, "Cos now I am a club member." He is obsessed with clubs.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I joined my first club this year. Actually, I'm sorry.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38I joined my second club this year.
0:24:38 > 0:24:42The first club I ever joined was Judaism,
0:24:42 > 0:24:47so I was nervous about joining the second club,
0:24:47 > 0:24:49because to get into the first club...
0:24:49 > 0:24:52I had to cut off a tiny bit of my penis.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58So the second club was like, "Would you like to join our club?"
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I was like, "How do you get in?"
0:25:01 > 0:25:03They're like, it's £3,200 a year."
0:25:03 > 0:25:06I was like, "Would you like a tiny bit of my penis instead?"
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I did a show in exchange for membership. I don't belong there.
0:25:13 > 0:25:18The name of the club, and I always say it like this, Soho House.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Mm.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23There are two types of people who are members at Soho House -
0:25:23 > 0:25:26fashion people and insufferable douche-canoes.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31In the Venn diagram overlap,
0:25:31 > 0:25:33100%.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41I saw the most racist thing I have ever seen at Soho House.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44There was a drunk guy coming up the stairs. He was like a pinball drunk.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46He was, like, slamming into things to give him
0:25:46 > 0:25:49enough energy to slam into the next thing and slam into the next thing.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51He narrowly avoids me and my friend Jenner,
0:25:51 > 0:25:54and he slams into this black guy behind us and he goes,
0:25:54 > 0:25:56"Watch it, you...
0:25:56 > 0:25:58"Idris Elba."
0:26:03 > 0:26:06We were both like, "No."
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Jenner looks back at this guy and says,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11"I'm sorry, man, that's really terrible."
0:26:11 > 0:26:13The guy went, "It's fine, it's not a big deal."
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I'm like, "No, it's horrible. It's incredibly..."
0:26:15 > 0:26:17The guy went, "It's fine. It's not a big deal."
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Jenner went, in "No, it's really racist."
0:26:19 > 0:26:22The guy went, "It's fine, I'm Idris Elba."
0:26:28 > 0:26:31I have only ever seen him in The Wire.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33So I made it so much worse cos I went,
0:26:33 > 0:26:35"Idris Elba is British?"
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Very patiently, he went, "Yes, he is."
0:26:39 > 0:26:41LAUGHTER
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I said, "But The Wire?"
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Less patiently, he went, "That was acting."
0:26:52 > 0:26:53LAUGHTER
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Jenner was like, "Oh..." I was like, "What?"
0:27:00 > 0:27:02He's like, "It's like The Sixth Sense -
0:27:02 > 0:27:05"we were the racists the whole time."
0:27:05 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:12 > 0:27:14I'm going back to New York tomorrow.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19AJ is coming to see this show at the end of next week.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22It is how he will find out that I have been talking about him.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25LAUGHTER
0:27:25 > 0:27:28He is going to beat the shit out of me.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31We are going to find him two seats...
0:27:31 > 0:27:35We are going to put him right in the front row so that I can look at him,
0:27:35 > 0:27:39because when you are performing, it helps to stare at a champion.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43You guys have been so great. Enjoy the rest of your night.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45I'm Alex Edelman. See you later.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE