0:00:33 > 0:00:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:39 > 0:00:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:44 > 0:00:46# Days, days, days, days
0:00:46 > 0:00:49# She got me working all the days, days, days, days
0:00:49 > 0:00:55# She's gotta listen, not money needs a lot lot of money ma noo
0:00:55 > 0:01:00# He's gotta less gotta malla lot got maz ama ma-noo
0:01:00 > 0:01:05# She's gotta love some man lotta me noo ma-an ma-an ma noo
0:01:05 > 0:01:09# Hey ha ma letta my hadda my getta mana nama na-moo
0:01:09 > 0:01:12# You got me working all the days, days, days, days
0:01:12 > 0:01:14# You got me working all the days, days, days, days
0:01:14 > 0:01:17# You got me working all the days, days, days, days
0:01:17 > 0:01:20# You got me working all the days, days, days, days
0:01:21 > 0:01:26# She's gotta listen not money needs a lot lot of money ma noo
0:01:26 > 0:01:32# He's gotta less gotta malla lot got maz ama ma-noo
0:01:32 > 0:01:37# She's gotta love some man lotta me noo ma-an ma-an ma noo
0:01:37 > 0:01:41# Hey ha ma letta my hadda my getta mana nama na-moo
0:01:41 > 0:01:44# I got you working all the days, days, days, days
0:01:44 > 0:01:46# I got you working all the days, days, days, days
0:01:46 > 0:01:49# I got you working all the days, days, days, days
0:01:49 > 0:01:52# I got you working all the days, days, days, days
0:01:52 > 0:01:55# Ooh ooh ooh ooh
0:01:55 > 0:01:57# Ooh ooh ooh ooh
0:01:57 > 0:01:59# Ooh ooh ooh ooh
0:02:00 > 0:02:02# Ooh ooh ooh ooh
0:02:02 > 0:02:05# I got you working all the days, days, days, days
0:02:05 > 0:02:08# Got me working all the days, days, days, days
0:02:08 > 0:02:10# I got you working all the days, days, days, days
0:02:10 > 0:02:13# I got you working all the days, days, days, days
0:02:13 > 0:02:16# You got me working on my holiday my holiday
0:02:16 > 0:02:18# Summer holiday holiday
0:02:18 > 0:02:21# I got you working all the days, days, days, days
0:02:21 > 0:02:23# I got you working all the days, days, days, days. #
0:02:23 > 0:02:25All right?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27HE CACKLES
0:02:27 > 0:02:29"Aaargh!"
0:02:29 > 0:02:31"What is he?!"
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Thank you, goodnight. Thank you.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42HE LAUGHS
0:02:42 > 0:02:44"It was a bit short. Yeah, it was a bit short."
0:02:44 > 0:02:47HE MUTTERS AND LAUGHS
0:02:47 > 0:02:49That'll do, won't it?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53It's all right.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Anyway. Anyway. Herbert. Herbert.
0:02:56 > 0:02:57Audience. Yay!
0:02:57 > 0:03:02HE MUTTERS AND LAUGHS
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Right.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Now, we have all... We have all, at one point, we've gone out...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10We've... And we've, and we've had a...
0:03:10 > 0:03:14We've had a drink, haven't we? Yeah. Yeah. We have, haven't we?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17You might... Or you might... HE PUFFS
0:03:17 > 0:03:19You might do that. HE MUTTERS
0:03:19 > 0:03:21You might... HE SNORTS
0:03:21 > 0:03:24You might do that, and it's up to you.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27HE LAUGHS You might do that, I mean...
0:03:27 > 0:03:30All right, mate. Crack on!
0:03:31 > 0:03:34We've all done something, yeah?
0:03:34 > 0:03:37We've all done something, and then gone on the internet,
0:03:37 > 0:03:40and then, "Oh, no, what have I done?!"
0:03:42 > 0:03:45"I'll show you what I done." HE LAUGHS
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Er...
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Got that.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51HE MUTTERS Put that...
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Little thing like that. Put that there. Like that.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57HE MUTTERS I'm not a ventriloquist.
0:03:59 > 0:04:0150 quid!
0:04:03 > 0:04:04There's that bit.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Got that.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Oh! - "Oh!"
0:04:12 > 0:04:14It's not real.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Wait, wait, wait...
0:04:18 > 0:04:20CLICK
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Oh ho! Sleep well(!)
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Put that there like that. BUTTON CLICKS
0:04:28 > 0:04:31RADIO STATIC WHINES
0:04:31 > 0:04:3272 quid.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37HE LAUGHS
0:04:37 > 0:04:40And she... She's like, "You're ruining your life".
0:04:41 > 0:04:42I am.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Got that.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51It's not real!
0:04:51 > 0:04:53HE MUTTERS
0:04:53 > 0:04:55You get that, and you...
0:04:59 > 0:05:01CHIMP WHINES
0:05:03 > 0:05:05CHIMP CALL
0:05:07 > 0:05:09250 quid.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14But... Put that there, yeah. Yeah? Yeah?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16And then... Er...
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Get one of them. Yeah?
0:05:18 > 0:05:21HE LAUGHS
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Banksy.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30HE LAUGHS
0:05:30 > 0:05:33APPLAUSE
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Any epileptics?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Serious.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43LAUGHTER
0:05:43 > 0:05:44All right.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Couple of... HE MUTTERS
0:05:47 > 0:05:49All right. Everyone hear of that?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51You've heard of groan tubes?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Anyone heard of groan tubes? Yeah.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Some'll be like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I use them all the time. Yah, yah."
0:05:56 > 0:05:59But some, you know, you don't know... HE MUTTERS
0:05:59 > 0:06:02So, groan tube is... TUBE MAKES GROANING SOUND
0:06:02 > 0:06:03Yeah? Ah!
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Oh, yeah, we know them. Wahay! HE LAUGHS
0:06:08 > 0:06:09Whole box.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Couple of drinks. The internet, and... Wahay!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19And she's like, "I should have married your brother."
0:06:19 > 0:06:21She should.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26HE MUTTERS Whole box, ready? Whole box, ready?
0:06:26 > 0:06:27One, two, three?
0:06:27 > 0:06:29TUBES GROAN IN UNISON
0:06:29 > 0:06:33APPLAUSE
0:06:33 > 0:06:35HE LAUGHS
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Wait, wait, wait...
0:06:37 > 0:06:39BRIEF GROAN
0:06:39 > 0:06:40"Wait for us!"
0:06:43 > 0:06:45HE LAUGHS
0:06:45 > 0:06:48GROANING
0:06:48 > 0:06:49BRIEF GROAN
0:06:56 > 0:06:57HIGH GROAN
0:06:57 > 0:06:59LOW GROAN
0:06:59 > 0:07:00HIGH GROAN
0:07:00 > 0:07:01LOW GROAN
0:07:01 > 0:07:03HIGH GROAN
0:07:03 > 0:07:04LOW GROAN
0:07:04 > 0:07:05HIGH GROAN
0:07:05 > 0:07:07LOW GROAN
0:07:07 > 0:07:11GROAN CONTINUES INTO A BUZZ
0:07:11 > 0:07:13BUZZ WARBLES
0:07:18 > 0:07:19BUZZING STOPS
0:07:21 > 0:07:23BRIEF GROAN
0:07:26 > 0:07:27SQUEAK...
0:07:27 > 0:07:28SQUEAK!
0:07:37 > 0:07:38HIGH GROAN
0:07:38 > 0:07:39LOW GROAN
0:07:39 > 0:07:41HIGH GROAN LOW GROAN
0:07:41 > 0:07:43HIGH GROAN LOW GROAN
0:07:43 > 0:07:45SQUEAK!
0:07:47 > 0:07:53BABY CRIES
0:07:57 > 0:08:02CRYING SETTLES WITH ROCKING
0:08:04 > 0:08:07CRYING INTENSIFIES
0:08:13 > 0:08:14CRYING STOPS
0:08:15 > 0:08:17HIGH CRYING
0:08:17 > 0:08:18LOW CRYING
0:08:18 > 0:08:19HIGH CRYING
0:08:19 > 0:08:20LOW CRYING
0:08:20 > 0:08:22HIGH CRYING
0:08:22 > 0:08:23LOW CRYING
0:08:23 > 0:08:26CRYING CONTINUES INTO A BUZZ
0:08:26 > 0:08:29BUZZING WARBLES
0:08:29 > 0:08:32BUZZING STOPS
0:08:32 > 0:08:34RINGING BUZZ
0:08:34 > 0:08:36QUACKING BUZZ
0:08:38 > 0:08:39There's that bit.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43HE LAUGHS
0:08:43 > 0:08:45APPLAUSE
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Er... Er...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52"What's he doing?!"
0:08:53 > 0:08:58Doing it. I'll show you the... HE MUTTERS
0:08:58 > 0:09:00HE LAUGHS
0:09:00 > 0:09:01There's that, yeah?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03She... She's like, "Where's that gone?"
0:09:03 > 0:09:07HE LAUGHS "I don't know."
0:09:08 > 0:09:12What you do, you get that, yeah? You put that...
0:09:12 > 0:09:14On there like that, yeah?
0:09:17 > 0:09:19# Waah!
0:09:21 > 0:09:24# I like to clean the floor
0:09:27 > 0:09:29# Mmm, dirty floor! #
0:09:31 > 0:09:33I'm 38!
0:09:33 > 0:09:37APPLAUSE
0:09:40 > 0:09:42# You been a dirty floor
0:09:42 > 0:09:44# Yeah, I have
0:09:46 > 0:09:50# I'm gonna clean you With my mouth...
0:09:50 > 0:09:53HELD NOTE BECOMES WHINE
0:09:53 > 0:09:54HE LAUGHS
0:09:54 > 0:09:56It's something, innit? It's something.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02HE MUTTERS
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Yeah, yeah, yeah, this one.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06HE LAUGHS It's stupid, this.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08One, two, three, ready, ready, ready?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Yay!
0:10:10 > 0:10:1213 quid.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16HE LAUGHS
0:10:16 > 0:10:19Show you this. So you've got that, yeah? Found it in the street.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23And you put... Like that, yeah? I put that in there like that.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24Yeah, yeah?
0:10:24 > 0:10:26POSH VOICE: Aha-ha-ha, yah?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31POSH VOICE: Aha-ha-ha, yah?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34But you turn it around, and it's... SLOPPY VOICE: Un nuh nuh nuh.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37SLOPPY VOICE: Un nuh nuh nuh
0:10:37 > 0:10:39HE LAUGHS That's good, innit?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44You get that.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46There like that. You get that.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50GENTLE VOICE: No. No way, man.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55GENTLE VOICE: You can't come to the party.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Why?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59GENTLE VOICE: Janet's coming.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Oh.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Never went!
0:11:04 > 0:11:08HE LAUGHS
0:11:08 > 0:11:09I've got two kids.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14I can vote!
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Thank you very much, Spencer Jones. HE MUTTERS
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:41 > 0:11:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:51 > 0:11:53CHEERING CONTINUES
0:12:05 > 0:12:06James Acaster.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13Good to see you all. Thanks for coming. Why? Why are you here?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Why are you here?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Why do people come to see stand-up comedy?
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I know why. It took me ages to figure it out. I finally know.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23You come for the celebrity gossip.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24That is why you're here.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28You know start-up comedians, we brush shoulders with celebrities all the time.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30We're the bridge between the public and the stars.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Every now and again we get a bit of gossip in our claws,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35you come to see us praying we're going to spill the beans.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38We never do, do we?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41You leave disappointed every time, don't you?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Good news.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45I'm going to do it.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48That's how the show starts, with some celebrity gossip.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Now let's just say I happen to know a certain celebrity,
0:12:51 > 0:12:56like a month and a half ago, got himself kicked out of a karaoke bar.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Now, look at your faces. Look at your faces.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02You know what your faces are saying?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"Who did that?"
0:13:05 > 0:13:07"Who did that?" This might surprise you.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11None other than Jorge Galleguillos.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Yeah?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18You remember Jorge Galleguillos, don't you?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20You remember Jorge Galleguillos.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22It's been a while.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26What's it been, five years since he got out the mine?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER
0:13:29 > 0:13:32About that, isn't it? Five years since the Chilean miners.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34But they're massive celebrities now.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36They are massive, you can't deny that.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I've got some celebrity gossip about Jorge Galleguillos.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I'm not keeping it to myself, either.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44Kicked out of a karaoke bar.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Jorge! I know he's the bad boy of the group, but even so.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52You expect it from Florencio Avalos, you don't expect it from Jorge Galleguillos, do you?
0:13:52 > 0:13:53He's the rascal.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Here's the real scoop -
0:13:56 > 0:13:59it weren't even a karaoke bar, he only thought it was.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Just a normal pub.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Normal pub playing really loud music with a TV in the corner
0:14:06 > 0:14:09showing the news with the subtitles on.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15He was singing the details of the Greek financial crisis
0:14:15 > 0:14:17to the tune of Livin' On A Prayer.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Classic Jorge Galleguillos.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Bit more celebrity gossip for you, since you're so hungry.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Didn't know you were so hungry for it. Open wide, here's some more.
0:14:31 > 0:14:36Heads up, this next celebrity is a bit more obscure.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38LAUGHTER
0:14:39 > 0:14:41Fair warning.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43It's Jimmy Sanchez.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Yeah, most of you won't even remember Jimmy Sanchez, to be fair.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Jog your memory. Jimmy Sanchez, he was the 29th miner out the mine.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Jimmy Sanchez, remember him? Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Remember him now, don't you?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Of course you do. You remember Jimmy. When did he come up?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01He was in between Daniel Herrara and who was it?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Julio Aguilera?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Aguilera, wasn't it? Yeah, it was. It was Julio Aguilera, actually.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Jimmy Sanchez...
0:15:10 > 0:15:13When I tell you this, right, some of you will be like,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"Big deal. Why is that even gossip? Who cares? That's pretty normal."
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Others, you'll be like, "That is disgusting and unnatural.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22"I can't believe it, it's appalling, I'm glad that you told me that, actually."
0:15:22 > 0:15:26Jimmy Sanchez, he has hot drinks with hot meals.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28LAUGHTER
0:15:32 > 0:15:36How does your mouth even know the difference, mate? What are you playing at?
0:15:37 > 0:15:40I'm not exaggerating. Like a cup of tea and a bowl of minestrone.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Not one after the other - alternating mouthfuls back and forth.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Each to their own, but it's not for me, you know?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55That doesn't leave this room, by the way.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Bit more. Bit more.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Pedro Cortes...
0:16:06 > 0:16:07LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:09You remember him, don't you? Pedro Cortez.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11You remember Pedro Cortez.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14He was the 11th and 18th miner out the mine.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16He forgot something, had to go back for it.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:19I think it was a charger.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Don't quote me on that, but I think it was a charger.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Pedro Cortez, right,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29he often sends people e-mails with the subject heading,
0:16:29 > 0:16:33"Check out this funny video", then forgets to include the link.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35What a time waster!
0:16:35 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Glad to see we got some proper Chilean miners fans in tonight, by the way.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45That doesn't always happen. Hard-core fans, am I right?
0:16:45 > 0:16:46Since before they got stuck.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49LAUGHTER
0:16:49 > 0:16:51When it was all about the mining.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Anyway, we're not here to gossip. Thank you.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Do some rough gigs in this job. I played a members-only club once.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Any idea how bad that is?
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Just the worst people in the world in a members-only club.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16If you're not a member, rest assured, you're missing out on nothing.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Absolute scum, every single one of them.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21It's the most pompous people ever - pretentious.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23They were sitting there, I'm doing a gig,
0:17:23 > 0:17:27they're knocking back calamari shavings and just heckling me
0:17:27 > 0:17:30for the whole show, treating me like their own personal court jester.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35I'm not even getting paid money. My payment - membership to the club.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39At one point I started bantering with them all, asking them what they did for a living.
0:17:39 > 0:17:44Turns out they were all stand-up comedians who'd done the gig in the past.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:52We got over it. Two weeks later I had a mouthful of olives,
0:17:52 > 0:17:55heckling Josh Widdicombe like a champion.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57I don't even regret that.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Trying to work on my skill set, though, you know. Branch out a bit.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Trying to learn how to play pool. That's hard.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Before you even start you have to set the balls up in that triangle.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I don't know what order they're meant to go in.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13It's a secret amongst tough guys.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Seven reds, seven yellows, one black
0:18:18 > 0:18:20not in an easy-to-memorise, pretty pattern.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Like, if you want to remember the order of the colour of the rainbow,
0:18:23 > 0:18:27you just remember "Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain." Easy.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30It's nothing like that when it comes to the pool balls.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34Until now.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I had a night off, I got a pen and paper out.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Now, if I ever need to set those pool balls up, I just remember
0:18:40 > 0:18:42"Renovating Your Rock'n'Roll Bungalow
0:18:42 > 0:18:46"Yielded Yesterday's Ritalin Yet Raspberry Ripple Ying-yangs Repel Yoghurt."
0:18:46 > 0:18:48LAUGHTER
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Or: "Sellotaping Steven Spielberg's Broken Seesaw
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Sends Satellite Signals Southbound So Sushi Seems Suspicious"
0:18:59 > 0:19:01if you're playing spots and stripes.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03LAUGHTER
0:19:05 > 0:19:08APPLAUSE
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Trying to learn how to play the acoustic guitar as well.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Again, difficult.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16The other day I'm practising,
0:19:16 > 0:19:20drop my plectrum down that hole in the middle.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Irretrievable. Gone forever.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Eventually, I just put the guitar under a tap
0:19:25 > 0:19:26and I filled it up with water
0:19:26 > 0:19:30until it floated out and then I caught it real quick.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Can't play guitar to save my life.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Good at air guitar, though. Real good at air guitar.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Every time I'm at a disco, air guitaring all night.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Unless there's no guitar on the track, then I don't do it.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43You rub people up the wrong way, you know?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Like, if I'm ever at a rave,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47which I am pretty much every night of the week,
0:19:47 > 0:19:52if I'm at a rave, it's all synthesisers, no guitar in any of the songs.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55So what I tend to do, all night, I just do this dance move, just do this:
0:20:08 > 0:20:09See what I'm doing?
0:20:11 > 0:20:12I'm still doing air guitar,
0:20:12 > 0:20:16I just dropped the plectrum down that hole, I'm trying to shake it out again.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17LAUGHTER
0:20:24 > 0:20:26I like so many different types of music.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I like a cappella music.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33My favourite a cappella song, probably, Who Ate All The Pies.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36LAUGHTER
0:20:36 > 0:20:37It's a good song, innit?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Usually they sing it at football stadiums, you know.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Be at a stadium or whatever, usually about a thousand people sing it,
0:20:45 > 0:20:47and they sing it to one person.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Just serenade one guy.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Usually a rotund fellow.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Usually a rotund fellow, not expecting the serenade.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02And then all the others, all those thousand people,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05they were wondering, who...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09And this was a serious concern.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Who ate all the pies? They all had that thought at the same time.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16Maybe before the game, we don't even know.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19They maybe all thought "Who ate all the pies?" And thought,
0:21:19 > 0:21:21"Let's go down to the football,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24"maybe we can check out some suspects over there.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"Start interrogating individuals."
0:21:29 > 0:21:33So they booked out the whole side of one of the stands
0:21:33 > 0:21:36and they looked around until they saw someone who
0:21:36 > 0:21:39looked like they might know a thing or two about the pies.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41The whereabouts of the pies.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44He looks suspicious, this fellow.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48And they ask him. Everyone asks him in a song.
0:21:48 > 0:21:53It starts off, "Who ate all the pies?" is the first line of the song.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Which is, you get right to it with Who Ate All The Pies,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57it's the important thing.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01You don't mess around, skirting around the main issue.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Who ate all the pies?
0:22:05 > 0:22:08And then they needed a second line, and they went,
0:22:08 > 0:22:13"If you can't improve on the first line, why bother?"
0:22:13 > 0:22:17So, second line, just to make it crystal clear what they want to know,
0:22:17 > 0:22:20in case, you don't want to ask a second question on the second line
0:22:20 > 0:22:23and then they answer that and ignore the pressing one that was...
0:22:23 > 0:22:27You know, you don't want to say, "Who ate all the pies?" and then "Have you seen my dog?"
0:22:27 > 0:22:31And they're like, "I'll answer question two and then they'll probably forget about the pie."
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Go straight in there twice - who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39This is what we want to... Don't even pretend like you don't know what we're talking about.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41That is exactly what we want to know from you.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Don't pretend like you don't know.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Then...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51There is a twist...
0:22:51 > 0:22:52LAUGHTER
0:22:52 > 0:22:55..that will blow your goddamn mind. You won't even...
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I never saw this twist coming, you probably won't either.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01They reveal that they actually knew all along...
0:23:02 > 0:23:03..from the start...
0:23:04 > 0:23:08..who ate all the pies. They all knew it.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11They all knew, every single one of them knew.
0:23:11 > 0:23:17And they were asking him just to see what he'd do, but then they go,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20"Guess what, mate? It was you. You did it.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22"You're the person we're asking."
0:23:22 > 0:23:24It's always the person you least suspect.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Who would expect themselves in that situation?
0:23:27 > 0:23:28"You ate all the pies,
0:23:28 > 0:23:32"and our evidence for this is that you are a fat bastard.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36"That is all the evidence we need to bring to the table.
0:23:36 > 0:23:40"You're a fat bastard and you ate all the pies. Get out of that one.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43"Try and... No, you may not see your lawyer."
0:23:43 > 0:23:45LAUGHTER
0:23:46 > 0:23:48My favourite football chant,
0:23:48 > 0:23:53I would say, is my home town team, Kettering Town.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Kettering Town FC. That chant is brilliant, isn't it?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57You all love it.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58LAUGHTER
0:23:58 > 0:24:01All of you love that one, I don't have to explain it to you
0:24:01 > 0:24:04like I did Who Ate All The Pies, which you hadn't heard before.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07We all know Kettering Town FC's football chant, don't we? It goes:
0:24:07 > 0:24:09HE CHANTS: K and an E and a T and a T
0:24:09 > 0:24:11E and an R and an I-N-G.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13T and an O and W-N.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Kettering Town FC!
0:24:16 > 0:24:17LAUGHTER
0:24:20 > 0:24:23It's a good song, isn't it? You don't hear it enough these days.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Radio plays all the commercial shit,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28but, like, that's a good song.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31What's an even better song is my version of it.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I done a real clever version, a little remix, if you will.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Basically, what happens is,
0:24:36 > 0:24:40I just sing that song over and over again on a loop,
0:24:40 > 0:24:44but each time I go round I miss out an extra letter each time.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Like Heads, Shoulders Knees And Toes, that kind of...
0:24:46 > 0:24:49That's the level I'm working on when I was writing the song.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Sing it over and over again.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53It's a bit hard to get it in your head explaining it.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54I'll perform it to you now.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I'd like to perform it here in this lovely theatre,
0:24:57 > 0:24:59and you look like you'd enjoy it the most, mate,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02so I'm going to aim it entirely at you. So that's fine.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- So, here we go. What's your name?- Rob.- Rob.
0:25:08 > 0:25:13Yeah. You found your name real funny there, Rob, that was sweet.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Isn't that nice? If only we all had that kind of character.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19I'd be at a party. "What's your name?"
0:25:19 > 0:25:21"James. Oh! That's made my own night."
0:25:21 > 0:25:26It'd be good, wouldn't it? Wish we were all more like Rob, actually.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33Here we go. Kettering Town FC song, Acaster remix.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44HE CHANTS: # K and an E and a T and a T E and an R and an I-N-G
0:25:44 > 0:25:47# T and an O and a W-N Kettering Town FC
0:25:47 > 0:25:51# And an E and T and a T E and an R and an I-N-G
0:25:51 > 0:25:54# T and an O and a W-N Kettering Town FC
0:25:54 > 0:25:58# And a... And a T and a T E and an R and an IN-G
0:25:58 > 0:26:02# T and an O and a W-N Kettering Town FC
0:26:02 > 0:26:04# And a... And a... And a T
0:26:04 > 0:26:07# E and an R and an I-N-G T and an O and a W-N
0:26:07 > 0:26:09# Kettering Town FC
0:26:09 > 0:26:12# And a... and a... and a E and an R and an I-N-G
0:26:12 > 0:26:14# T and an O and a W-N
0:26:14 > 0:26:16# Kettering Town FC
0:26:16 > 0:26:18# And a... and a... and a...
0:26:18 > 0:26:19# And a R and an I-N-G
0:26:19 > 0:26:21# T and an O and a W-N
0:26:21 > 0:26:23# Kettering Town FC
0:26:23 > 0:26:26# And a... and a... and a... and a... and a I-N-G
0:26:26 > 0:26:29# T and an O and a W-N Kettering Town FC.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33# And a... and a... and a... and a... and a N-G
0:26:33 > 0:26:37# T and an O and a W-N Kettering Town FC
0:26:37 > 0:26:40# And a... and a... and a... and a... and a G
0:26:40 > 0:26:43# T and an O and a W-N Kettering Town FC
0:26:43 > 0:26:46# And a... and a... and a... and a...
0:26:46 > 0:26:48# And a T and an O and a W-N. #
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Yeah, we're doing TOWN as well, unlucky, Rob.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52# Kettering Town FC
0:26:52 > 0:26:55# And a... and a... and a... and a... and a...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58# And a O and a W-N Kettering Town FC
0:26:58 > 0:27:03# And a... and a... and a... And a... and a... and a... and a W-N
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# Kettering Town FC
0:27:06 > 0:27:10# And a... and a... and a... and a... and a... and a... and a N
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Kettering Town FC.
0:27:12 > 0:27:17# And a... and a... and a... And a... and a... and a... and a...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19# Kettering Town FC. #
0:27:19 > 0:27:21I wrote that song. I wrote that song.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH
0:27:24 > 0:27:28Deserved. Deserved applause. I wrote it.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Ladies and gentlemen, what a lovely, lovely audience you've been.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Thank you very much for coming. See you another time. Peace!
0:27:42 > 0:27:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE