0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:33 > 0:00:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:43 > 0:00:45LARRY LAUGHS
0:00:45 > 0:00:49GLASWEGIAN ACCENT: Thank you very much! Thank you very much!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51- Hello! AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Nice to meet all of you, man.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56It's a pleasure to be here and I'm in a good mood, man.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Actually, to be honest, this is my first gig back.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I've been off ill. I've been off ill for like a week,
0:01:00 > 0:01:04having a throat infection and, yeah, it's really messed up my throat.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05I'm actually from England.
0:01:05 > 0:01:07LAUGHTER
0:01:07 > 0:01:09No, I'm actually from Glasgow.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11SOME CHEERING
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Don't worry about it, I'm not an anti-English Scottish person.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16A lot of English people are always worried if a Scot
0:01:16 > 0:01:18is going to make fun of them and stuff. I love England.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22When I come down here, you always ask me what Glasgow is like,
0:01:22 > 0:01:23you know that kind of...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25LONDON ACCENT: "Glasgow, Jesus, what's that like?
0:01:25 > 0:01:26"Sounds a bit rough!"
0:01:29 > 0:01:31It is an all-right English accent, isn't it?
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Not too shabby, as you'd say.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40All right, I do appreciate this is not an ENGLISH accent
0:01:40 > 0:01:43because there's obviously lots of different types.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Actually, this is more of
0:01:44 > 0:01:47a kind of south-west London estate-agent accent.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51You know that kind of guy who thinks he's absolutely mental
0:01:51 > 0:01:54because he gets the last train home. Jesus!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58The kind of guy, when he hears a police siren,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01he goes, "Ha-ha! Probably for me! What am I like?!"
0:02:04 > 0:02:06One of those absolute nutters.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08IN OWN ACCENT: I just thought I'd practise the accent.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11I like the accent, but I thought I may as well practise it,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13just in case I wanted to work down here
0:02:13 > 0:02:16and there was a yes-vote to Scottish independence.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18That could've got me past the border patrol,
0:02:18 > 0:02:21just driving up, going... ENGLISH ACCENT: "All right, mate?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24"Just going home. See you later, cheers.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27"Oh, sorry, mate, what's my vehicle?
0:02:27 > 0:02:32"It's a banter bus, mate. Get your ticket now. Wey-hey!"
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Actually, did you guys... Did you guys want Scotland to leave the UK?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- AUDIENCE:- No.- No?
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Did anyone want Scotland to go?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41- No.- No, nobody?
0:02:41 > 0:02:42That's lovely.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45"No, please don't leave us, we need your money.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47"Give me your oil, man."
0:02:47 > 0:02:49I thought it would be a bit weird, right,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52cos personally, personally, I'm going to be honest,
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I voted yes, but it wasn't an anti-English thing at all.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57You guys should have your own independence referendum
0:02:57 > 0:03:01because you hate Westminster politicians more than anyone.
0:03:01 > 0:03:02I think we should all come together
0:03:02 > 0:03:06and have an independence referendum from just Westminster.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09It would be great, we could just cordon off Westminster,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11have a big wall around it and that's where we'll put
0:03:11 > 0:03:13all the people who think they're powerful,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15but they're really just wrongies.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18It could be our Vatican.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24But it got a bit cringey at points, man,
0:03:24 > 0:03:27especially that kind of thing of, "Oh, Scotland, if you leave the UK,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29"you're not going to be able to use the pound any more."
0:03:29 > 0:03:31It was like, "Oh, my God!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33"What are we going to do with all our shopping trolleys? Meh!"
0:03:38 > 0:03:41And the thing is, I thought, if Scotland leave the UK,
0:03:41 > 0:03:43we'd have to get rid of the Union Jack flag.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46If we got rid of the Union Jack flag, that would be a disaster.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Nobody would know which pub was racist any more.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54What would the racists use as their slogan?
0:03:54 > 0:03:59You know that, "There ain't no black in the Union Jack."
0:03:59 > 0:04:02It's like, just cos that rhymes, doesn't mean that makes sense.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04I hate that shit, man.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06For some reason, stupid people seem to think
0:04:06 > 0:04:08if something rhymes, that's a fact.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09Life is not that simple, I'm afraid, mate.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Like, I bet all the guys have heard these ones,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15like, "Bros before hos, mate, bros before hos."
0:04:15 > 0:04:18That is just sexing with a twang.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Do girls do that to guys?
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Do girls come up with rhymes for guys?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23"If one arm's bigger than the other,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25"he's probably a lonely bugger."
0:04:27 > 0:04:30You're going, "Maybe next time, actually, yeah!"
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Yeah, man, I got so annoyed with that ain't no black...
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Because a lot of the immigration stuff going on
0:04:35 > 0:04:38and people were like, "Ain't no black in the Union Jack," I hate...
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Any... Any bigots in?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I am actually a homosexual.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46That's what I call myself and...
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Actually, I don't call myself that,
0:04:48 > 0:04:49I call myself a bender.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Cos the word "gay", the word "gay"
0:04:51 > 0:04:53makes it sound a bit gay, doesn't it?
0:04:53 > 0:04:57The word "bender" makes it sound like a threatening thing,
0:04:57 > 0:05:00like you're in a bar and someone's going, "Sorry, mate, are you gay?"
0:05:00 > 0:05:04"No, mate, I'm a fucking bender, bring it on, ya bastards."
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Well, no, because girls are usually quite good at telling... Girls...
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Oh, got my girlies! Hi!
0:05:13 > 0:05:15You are usually quite good
0:05:15 > 0:05:17at telling if a guy is gay, stereotypically.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Could you tell I was gay, you know, before I...?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Before I came on stage?!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Like you smelled me in the building!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28"There is definitely a new best friend in here somewhere."
0:05:31 > 0:05:33But no, I don't... You couldn't tell?
0:05:33 > 0:05:35You can never tell?
0:05:35 > 0:05:36How cosmopolitan are you?!
0:05:36 > 0:05:38"I'm never going to judge."
0:05:38 > 0:05:41"Most of the gays in my area, they are always at the bins at night."
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Well done. But...
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Don't worry, we can be besties! Hooray!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49But no, I've just never had the look, man.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I get told I look more like a lesbian rapper.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I do, don't I? I don't know what it is!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Feminem, but...
0:06:02 > 0:06:05I've got a boyfriend as well and he's all right...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08and, er... I shouldn't say that, fuck, he's going to watch this,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11but, er... I met him on that thing, Grindr, and...
0:06:11 > 0:06:14WOMAN LAUGHS I know!
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Exactly.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18If you don't know what Grindr is, it's the phone app that lets you
0:06:18 > 0:06:22know how far the nearest gay person is away from you in feet and...
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I know, yeah, why would you ever need to know on a phone
0:06:25 > 0:06:27how far a gay person is away from you in feet,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30like some kind of sat nav to find them?
0:06:30 > 0:06:34If anything, homophobes should just have Grindr, just walking down
0:06:34 > 0:06:38the road going, "Oh, Jesus, I'm not going that way, no...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42"Oh, my God, I'm surrounded!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"Got to get out of this church somehow, man..."
0:06:51 > 0:06:55I feel quite bad about doing that joke. I'm a Catholic and...
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Obviously I'm not a good Catholic.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I'd make a great altar boy, though, but, erm...
0:07:00 > 0:07:02GROANING LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Oh, I'm sorry, I hope I didn't offend any paedophiles
0:07:05 > 0:07:07in the audience there. Sorry about that!
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Any paedophiles in?
0:07:10 > 0:07:13It's not as popular as it used to be, but...
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I'm going to have to start acting camp one night
0:07:17 > 0:07:20cos if you see me now, right, like, I'm a pure stealth gay
0:07:20 > 0:07:22and I'm gay when you least expect it.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27That sounds like the creepiest superhero ever, that, doesn't it?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Like all the bad guys going, "Watch out, guys, Stealth Gay's coming!
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"Run, run, run! Backwards!"
0:07:35 > 0:07:38So I thought, I'm going to have to start acting camper so people go,
0:07:38 > 0:07:40"Oh, Larry, he's quite camp. Probably gay."
0:07:40 > 0:07:42So what I started doing is,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I started going around with my wrists down.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Yeah, I know, exactly, I don't look camp, I just look ill.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I do that for a while, though, and I got to go to Disneyland for free,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55so it wasn't all bad, but...
0:07:55 > 0:07:57But nobody thought I was a bender, right, so I thought...
0:07:57 > 0:08:00My brain is so stupid, though, my brain didn't think,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02"You look ridiculous, that's why nobody's thinking you're gay."
0:08:02 > 0:08:05My brain thought, "You've got to act camper."
0:08:05 > 0:08:08So I started going around with my bum out as well.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10That's my problem, man, if I was camp
0:08:10 > 0:08:14I would just look like a dinosaur, just walking around like that.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18CAMP VOICE: "Oh, there's a sale on!"
0:08:18 > 0:08:20HE SCREECHES
0:08:29 > 0:08:32HE SCREECHES
0:08:40 > 0:08:42HE SCREECHES
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Sorry, man, sorry, man.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47I'm sorry. You all right?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Sorry, man. Are you OK?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52I'm sorry, you guys, you look scared. You OK?
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Right, cool. Just frozen like that.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00Is that you giving it the,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"Stay still. His vision is based on movement"?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:09 > 0:09:10So, erm...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13this has been nice.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Thanks very much.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Folks, you've been absolutely lovely. I've been Larry Dean.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Have a nice night. Take care. Thank you very much. Cheers.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:24 > 0:09:26ROCK MUSIC
0:09:34 > 0:09:35CHEERING
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Hello!
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Hi!
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Stop it, stop it, stop it!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Hello! How are you? Good?
0:09:49 > 0:09:50CHEERING
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Are you as excited as I am?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54CHEERING
0:09:54 > 0:09:55No, you're not.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58I am, my name is Felicity Ward and it's very nice to be here.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01I'm Australian, but I've been living overseas for a couple of years.
0:10:01 > 0:10:06I've actually been volunteering in a little village called London...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I have been volunteering, I've hardly been paid for a single thing.
0:10:09 > 0:10:10Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Life is quite difficult. And...
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Thank you for laughing at my pain, and...
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I am grateful to be living over here, though.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20I love living over here so thank you very much for having me
0:10:20 > 0:10:22in your beautiful country.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26At the same time, my mum is English so you can't kick me out, yeah!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Visa! Visa!
0:10:28 > 0:10:32I came over here with the intention of leaving. Not, like, straightaway.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36I didn't get off the plane and go, "I have made an expensive mistake."
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I came over here, I was going to stay for a short time,
0:10:39 > 0:10:43but then I met one of you lot and I fell in love and I was
0:10:43 > 0:10:48a typical foreigner, coming over here, stealing your knobs and...
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Heterosexual, I know! It was a surprise to me, too!
0:10:53 > 0:10:56But it looks like I'm going to stay here for a long time
0:10:56 > 0:10:59cos guess what happened to me this year? I got engaged!
0:10:59 > 0:11:01CHEERING
0:11:01 > 0:11:03It's very exciting. We're both in our late 20s.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08He's 29, I'm 35, and he's very handsome and he's very romantic.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11The first night I met him, we got back to my place and I was
0:11:11 > 0:11:15absolutely going to try and sleep with him on the first night, ha-ha.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19He was so hot I thought that I was a bet. Ha-ha!
0:11:19 > 0:11:22I'm like, "That's a bet I'm happy to lose, dude.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25"Oh, no, are you going to try and put that into there?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27"Oh, that sounds terrible, how embarrassing for me.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29"Oh, no, don't, get away."
0:11:30 > 0:11:33So we got back to my place and we'd been dancing all night
0:11:33 > 0:11:36and fully clothed, I went into my bedroom and fully clothed,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I just laid face down on the bed.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I was exhausted. I wasn't presenting or anything like...
0:11:42 > 0:11:45"We start from the back!" No.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Not on the first date, and...
0:11:49 > 0:11:50And not just for birthdays.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53So I'm lying down - guess why he proposed to me? -
0:11:53 > 0:11:58so I'm lying down and I don't know this guy at all, and he comes over,
0:11:58 > 0:12:01without prompting, and he just takes my little shoes off for me.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02AUDIENCE: Awww.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Isn't that a romantic thing to do?
0:12:04 > 0:12:05Up until a certain age
0:12:05 > 0:12:08and then it's just home care after that, isn't it?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11"Why don't I slip into something more comfortable?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"My circulation socks, they're in the top drawer. Thank you."
0:12:14 > 0:12:16He's, er, he's very tolerant of me, though.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I have some mental health issues.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21"What? No! Stop it! Shut up! You'd never guess!"
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Anyway...
0:12:24 > 0:12:27And the nature of mental illness is that I can be quite up and down so
0:12:27 > 0:12:33every night he gets to play a game called Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Even when he wins, he loses!
0:12:36 > 0:12:37I have anxiety.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39That's my big one, that's my top seller,
0:12:39 > 0:12:43and a lot of people wouldn't guess that I had an anxiety disorder.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48Worms, maybe, but not anxiety, and you're right, I have had worms.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50I've had both. You're right on the money, there.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53I have mental health issues, but don't worry,
0:12:53 > 0:12:55I've never killed myself before.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57I don't want to give away the ending,
0:12:57 > 0:12:59but I have self-harmed, I did it last year.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03I - this is hard for me to talk about - I ordered a Domino's Pizza
0:13:03 > 0:13:06and that's it. I ordered Domino's.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08It was awful. I still have the scars.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Most people call them stretchmarks.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12And when you order from them online,
0:13:12 > 0:13:15on the last page of the website there's a little button
0:13:15 > 0:13:19in the corner and it says, "Why not tweet about this with your friends?"
0:13:19 > 0:13:21What a great idea!
0:13:21 > 0:13:25If I had friends, I wouldn't be having a lonely pizza, would I?
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I'd be having an intervention of some sort.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30What do people tweet, anyway?
0:13:30 > 0:13:31"Just ordered the meal deal combo -
0:13:31 > 0:13:34"these feelings aren't going to eat themselves!"
0:13:34 > 0:13:36With a smiley poo at the end.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41It's the perfect Emoji for that moment, isn't it?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44It's like, "I'm smiling, but also I'm a piece of shit."
0:13:45 > 0:13:46I wonder if it's called Domino's
0:13:46 > 0:13:50because once you order from them, it sets off a chain reaction
0:13:50 > 0:13:54of other self-destructive behaviours, like you order from them
0:13:54 > 0:13:57and then you think about buying eyelashes for your car headlights
0:13:57 > 0:14:00and then you think about wearing Ugg boots outdoors
0:14:00 > 0:14:03as footwear - that needs to stop -
0:14:03 > 0:14:06and then heroin. It's a very slippery slope.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08It's a gateway food. Don't do it.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12I moved over here, I thought
0:14:12 > 0:14:15I would miss more when I moved over here and I got over here
0:14:15 > 0:14:19and I do find that people in London are very mean on the street.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21They are not as nice as I would like them to be,
0:14:21 > 0:14:23but I understand why that is.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Why that is, it's just easier to be angry than sad.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28I know that, and it's definitely true if you live with anxiety
0:14:28 > 0:14:31or depression, or as I like to call them, The Blues Brothers.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33You may have that.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Because when you're angry, you say what you want when you're angry.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39It's like being drunk. It's great.
0:14:39 > 0:14:40You're like, "Consequences?
0:14:40 > 0:14:43"Yeah, that sounds like tomorrow's problem.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45"Now, let's start with your face..."
0:14:45 > 0:14:48And when you're angry, you can still be beautiful.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49You think about catwalk models,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52they are furious and they all pull the same face when they come out.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54They walk out and go...
0:14:56 > 0:14:57"I'm hungry.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01"Oh, these? They're just my cranky pants." Still beautiful.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04You will never be uglier than when you cry.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Your lips fold out and in at the same time, like...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10SHE WAILS
0:15:10 > 0:15:12..and you get, like, a bung eye and a hunchback
0:15:12 > 0:15:14just to complete the look.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16SHE WAILS
0:15:16 > 0:15:18And you know how ugly you look,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20so you try and move away from your own face.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24SHE WAILS
0:15:24 > 0:15:27And your voice gets three monsters when you cry.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29You get high monster, which is...
0:15:29 > 0:15:32HIGH-PITCHED WAILING
0:15:32 > 0:15:35..or you get low monster, which is...
0:15:35 > 0:15:38GRUFFLY: "Maybe if we talk about it once in a while..."
0:15:38 > 0:15:41..or you get emphysema monster, which is...
0:15:41 > 0:15:44HIGH-PITCHED AND BREATHLESS MOANING
0:15:46 > 0:15:48HIGH-PITCHED WAILING
0:15:48 > 0:15:50You sound like a South American panpipe.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56I don't know if you're crying or you're about to burst out
0:15:56 > 0:15:57into El Condor Pasa, I don't know.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03WAILS THE TUNE
0:16:10 > 0:16:13And it hurts! Why does it hurt? It's supposed to be good for you.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15That is bad design, God.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Now, if I was a smug atheist, I'd go, "Oh, that's because
0:16:18 > 0:16:22"there is no God, now let's all go and fellate Richard Dawkins."
0:16:26 > 0:16:32I, er... Fortunately, there's some things over here that you have,
0:16:32 > 0:16:36that we also have, some same, awful shit that I thought I would miss
0:16:36 > 0:16:38like Magic FM.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Oh, I love me some Magic FM!
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Especially the late-night show cos it's just four hours
0:16:44 > 0:16:48of low-energy, sentimental music interrupted by a guy going, "Mmm..."
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Just at different intonations.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54"Mmm...
0:16:54 > 0:16:58"Mm-mm-mmm, mmm..."
0:16:58 > 0:16:59And there's a call-in section
0:16:59 > 0:17:03and you think that people will call in, they'll need to calm down,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06they'll need to go to sleep, like nurses or insomniacs.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08It's only one kind of person that calls up, so he'll go,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11"All right, mmm. We've got Tony on the line
0:17:11 > 0:17:14"and Tony, what do you do for a living?"
0:17:14 > 0:17:16SHOUTS: "I'm a truck driver!"
0:17:16 > 0:17:20"Unexpected, OK, and what can we play for you tonight, Tony?"
0:17:20 > 0:17:22"Oh, something soothing, thank you, Derek."
0:17:22 > 0:17:25"All right, Tony, well here's a little bit of Savage Garden
0:17:25 > 0:17:28"with Truly Madly Deeply."
0:17:28 > 0:17:32"Mmm... That's soothing, isn't it, Tony?
0:17:32 > 0:17:36"On that long, dark, monotonous road...
0:17:36 > 0:17:40"Kind of makes you feel little bit sleepy, doesn't it Tony?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44"Kind of makes you want to have a nap.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46"Go on, Tony.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49"I won't tell anyone."
0:17:49 > 0:17:52It's just music to have car accidents to! That's all it is!
0:17:52 > 0:17:55They exclusively play adult contemporary music on Magic FM
0:17:55 > 0:17:57and if you don't know what that is, congratulations,
0:17:57 > 0:17:59you have a little something called good taste.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Adult contemporary - or AC, as they call
0:18:01 > 0:18:04it in the air-conditioning business - is very easy to
0:18:04 > 0:18:07identify by just asking yourself a couple of questions.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11The first one is, does your mum go, "Oh, I love this song! Turn it up!"?
0:18:13 > 0:18:14You're listening to AC.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Or the big question is,
0:18:16 > 0:18:19does the singer wear a turtleneck without irony?
0:18:19 > 0:18:20That's all you need to know
0:18:20 > 0:18:23cos that covers your Michael Bubles, you John Mayers
0:18:23 > 0:18:27and of course, the king of adult contemporary, Michael Bolton.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Ho-ho-ho-ho!
0:18:28 > 0:18:32# How can we be lovers if we can't be friends?
0:18:32 > 0:18:35# How can we start over when the fighting never ends?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37# Oh, tell me... # Well, that's two questions, Michael.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Do you even want the answer to the first one?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42That's why we broke up - you don't listen.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47The thing I have trouble with over here, it is very hard to find
0:18:47 > 0:18:51a public toilet in this city and you charge people for it.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54At London King's Cross, it is 50p to use the toilet,
0:18:54 > 0:18:58but there's two free pianos in the foyer to play.
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Go fuck yourself, London.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04So I've been shitting in pianos more than I would like.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08WOMAN LAUGHS DISTINCTIVELY
0:19:08 > 0:19:11That's an incredible laugh. Please don't stop doing that.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13That's not a choice at all, she's like, "Aaaaaargh!"
0:19:13 > 0:19:16"I'm sorry... Aaaaaargh!"
0:19:16 > 0:19:19"I didn't want this for myself! Aaaaaargh!"
0:19:19 > 0:19:22The other thing that I find difficult with the toilet situation
0:19:22 > 0:19:24in the UK is the bathroom attendants.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26We don't have those in Australia.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29You know when you go into a toilet in a nightclub and there's
0:19:29 > 0:19:32a woman in the corner and she's staring at you and she has a shop?
0:19:34 > 0:19:35And I'm not making fun of her
0:19:35 > 0:19:37cos she's clearly working hard for her money,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40but as an IBS sufferer - I have irritable bowel syndrome -
0:19:40 > 0:19:43she's my natural enemy cos she sees me go in
0:19:43 > 0:19:45and I'm in there for a while and then
0:19:45 > 0:19:48she sees me come out and we've both bore witness to the horror
0:19:48 > 0:19:52that has just taken place so then I need to make a mercy purchase and
0:19:52 > 0:19:54I go, "Oh, yeah, I'll just get a lollipop"
0:19:54 > 0:19:58cos who doesn't like buying food in a toilet, you animals?!
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Who is THAT hungry? Who walks out and goes, "I need to replenish."
0:20:01 > 0:20:03No, you don't, just go up the stairs,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05there's restaurants everywhere!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07"No, I'm toilet hungry, thank you."
0:20:08 > 0:20:12I do have irritable bowel syndrome, which is the sexiest of all
0:20:12 > 0:20:14the syndromes, I'm sure you'll agree,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16and there's two different kinds that you can have.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18There is the backed-up one. I don't have that...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I don't know what THAT was.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22I don't have the fisting one.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I have the other one, I have the... Yeah, my...
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I have that you go, "Oh!" I have that one
0:20:29 > 0:20:31and people get very uncomfortable when you mentioned the D word
0:20:31 > 0:20:34so I came up with a euphemism a long time ago.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36When I'm having an IBS attack, I say that I'm having
0:20:36 > 0:20:40a closing-down sale because everything must go!
0:20:42 > 0:20:45And you can use any synonym for closing-down sale,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48you can use clearance sale, fire sale, liquidation...
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Probably should have started with that one.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53I...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55I also have insomnia
0:20:55 > 0:20:58cos I just think God thought I was blessed with too many gifts
0:20:58 > 0:21:02and, you know, and if you haven't had insomnia,
0:21:02 > 0:21:06oh, it is like jet lag for people who can't afford to travel. Ohh.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10It is...or if I was in a Theatre In Education troupe
0:21:10 > 0:21:13and I was talking to a room full of teenagers, I'd say
0:21:13 > 0:21:17insomnia is just a hangover for someone who's had too much life.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19LAUGHTER
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Um, I have insomnia and insomnia is like,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I have this little lady who lives in my head
0:21:24 > 0:21:27and she is the panic personified and I call her Beryl
0:21:27 > 0:21:30because Beryl is an ugly name for an ugly woman and I'm sorry
0:21:30 > 0:21:32if there is anyone in here called Beryl.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34I had a friend come up to me once, she goes,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36my grandma's name is Beryl and I'm, like, oh,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38my God, I'm so sorry, I'm not going to change it.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39LAUGHTER
0:21:39 > 0:21:42It's not my problem. So...
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Beryl is like,
0:21:43 > 0:21:46do you have any friends that constantly have terror in their eyes
0:21:46 > 0:21:49and the only way they feel better is if they can emotionally dump on you?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53That's who Beryl is, so I'll be lying there trying to get to sleep
0:21:53 > 0:21:54and she comes in and goes...
0:21:54 > 0:21:58MAKES STAMMERING NOISE
0:21:59 > 0:22:03"Are you having trouble sleeping?" Yeah.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06"OK, can I just ask you a quick question before you go to sleep
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"and then I'll go?" Yeah, OK, just make it quick.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11"OK, um, you know the film, Junior?"
0:22:15 > 0:22:20The one where Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a pregnant man?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22"Yeah." Yeah.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26"When he gives birth in that film, does he give birth out of the eye of
0:22:26 > 0:22:30"his penis and if he does, how come no-one talked about it at the time?"
0:22:30 > 0:22:33OK. Bye.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Or sometimes she'll just do a little bit of a drive-by.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42"Carol looked at you a bit funny tonight, didn't she?"
0:22:42 > 0:22:44What?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46"Yeah, when you said that thing about her hair."
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Did she? "Yeah." OK, bye.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Or the worst is when she tries to help.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER
0:22:57 > 0:23:01"What, what...why are you having trouble sleeping?"
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Because you're here.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08"Oh, OK, do you want me to, um...
0:23:08 > 0:23:11"just sing you a lullaby or something?
0:23:11 > 0:23:16# "I'm blue, da, da, de, da, da, de, da, de, da...
0:23:16 > 0:23:20# "I'm blue, da, da, de, da, da, de, da, de, da...
0:23:20 > 0:23:22# "Da, de, da, de, da, da...
0:23:22 > 0:23:25# "I'm blue, da, da."
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Are you finished?
0:23:26 > 0:23:27"Yeah."
0:23:27 > 0:23:30"I'll sing it for three more hours and then that's it."
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Sorry for the person that I make eye contact with there.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36Just someone sitting there going,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39"I didn't pay enough money for this ticket."
0:23:39 > 0:23:42SHE LAUGHS
0:23:42 > 0:23:44My fella has to sleep next to that. Me just going...
0:23:44 > 0:23:45SHE GRUNTS
0:23:45 > 0:23:49My fella, he's about to turn 30. He's about to turn 30.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52He's six years younger than me and that's never going to change.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Come on.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56It's not a joke but I'm not ever going to get sick of saying
0:23:56 > 0:23:59that out loud. He's about to turn 30.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03Is there anyone in here who is, like, 28, 29, coming up to 30?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Give us a cheer.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09- Yes. And what is your lovely name, ma'am?- Serena.- Serena?
0:24:09 > 0:24:14- And what month is your birthday? - June?- Oh, my God, what day?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16The 17th? I'm in September, it's nowhere near it.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:20How do you, how do you feel about turning 30?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Erm, OK.- OK? You should. It's great.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25But there are some things that happen to you that nobody
0:24:25 > 0:24:27warns you about, so I'm going to tell you
0:24:27 > 0:24:30so these don't come as a surprise, come June. OK?
0:24:30 > 0:24:33This is for anyone coming up to 30. Happens overnight.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Overnight you just start liking coriander.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Just without consent you're like, hate it, hate it, hate it,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43then your birthday comes, you're ordering a Thai beef salad.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Um, the second thing that happens is, you start
0:24:46 > 0:24:48taking your jumper off halfway through meals.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50LAUGHTER
0:24:50 > 0:24:52You don't even have to be having a curry.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54You can be having a sandwich, you're like, far out, it's a
0:24:54 > 0:24:57bit warm in here. Eating becomes exercise.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01And the last thing that happens, well, I hope this happens to other
0:25:01 > 0:25:04people, otherwise I'm going to look more disgusting than I already do.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07Deodorant just stops working.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09It just goes into retirement.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11To me, deodorant is like a loveless marriage.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14It's still there but it hasn't worked for years.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16And it doesn't even matter if you're hairy or not hairy.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Like, I'm relatively hairless. I have some hair.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I'm not like one of those weird fucking hairless cats.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25I don't like those cats and I don't like the people who like them.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26LAUGHTER
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Why would you buy a cat that looks like a testicle? Why?
0:25:30 > 0:25:34Why would you bring that into your home? They're so gross.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38They look like an embryo of a bigger cat. They're so gross.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39How did that become a trend?
0:25:39 > 0:25:42How many women were standing around going, honey,
0:25:42 > 0:25:44I love looking at your nuts...
0:25:44 > 0:25:47But I hardly get to see them.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Maybe it's time for a Sphinx cat, yeah?
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Sphinx cat, they're the ball-sack that loves you back.
0:25:53 > 0:25:54LAUGHTER
0:25:54 > 0:25:59The other thing I'm afraid of... I am afraid of Ferris wheels.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Because they move at the speed of nightmares.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03LAUGHTER
0:26:03 > 0:26:06When have you ever seen a Ferris wheel in a movie just before
0:26:06 > 0:26:09something good is about to happen?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11SHE SINGS TUNE
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Oh, yeah, no-one's going to die on that, are they?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Well, you know when they stop just halfway through
0:26:15 > 0:26:18and the carriage starts swinging in the air
0:26:18 > 0:26:20and everyone's getting their phone out, taking photos?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I'm getting my phone out, because I'm calling the police.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26If you get stuck in a Ferris wheel, you're stuck in there for ever.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Have you seen the people that run Ferris wheels?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Not engineers, mate.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32They are carnival folk. That's a carny.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35The only thing they can do in a crisis situation is pick up
0:26:35 > 0:26:39the phone and call the Lollipop Guild. That is all that they can do.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41"Hello, who do you represent?"
0:26:41 > 0:26:45"Oh, we represent the Lollipop Guild, what's your emergency?"
0:26:45 > 0:26:48"Someone's stuck in a Ferris wheel." "A Ferris wheel? Ha-ha."
0:26:48 > 0:26:52"Ha-ha." "Ha-ha." "Ha-ha."
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Then they do that until they die.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57They go so slowly and they go around twice.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00What did you miss the first time around?
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Oh, I'm glad we did another lap.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03I thought that was a hill in the distance.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Hah, hah, it's just my mountain of disappointment. Oh....
0:27:06 > 0:27:09They move so slowly, they go around and around
0:27:09 > 0:27:11and they finish in exactly the same place as they started.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13If I wanted that feeling, I could just talk
0:27:13 > 0:27:15to my dad about immigration.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19I've been Felicity Ward, you have been absolutely wonderful.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Thank you so much for having me.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE