0:00:35 > 0:00:37APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- WEST COUNTRY ACCENT:- All right? I'm Kerry and this is my mate Curtain.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00You do know why he's called Curtain, don't you?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Because he's got curtains.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Yeah, we're from a little village in the Cotswolds and there's three
0:01:06 > 0:01:10things you need to know about living in a village in the Cotswolds.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15And the first one is, don't think you are being kind by leaving out
0:01:15 > 0:01:20bread and milk for hedgehogs, because they can't ingest it.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23And honestly, they explode like a fucking land mine.
0:01:24 > 0:01:29And number two, don't get pissed and call Bill the landlord
0:01:29 > 0:01:32from the Snooty Fox pub a silly old twat,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35because he will bar you.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37And not only will you get barred from the only pub
0:01:37 > 0:01:39in the village, right,
0:01:39 > 0:01:42but he will move the fag machine from the back door to by the bar,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46so you can't even sneak in and buy fags when the village shop is shut.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49And number three, you've got to watch your back,
0:01:49 > 0:01:52because it's proper dangerous.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Tell them what happened at youth club at the Baptist Church.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Do you know Gary Bumworth's cousin's mate?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Because he was at youth club at the Baptist Church
0:02:02 > 0:02:06because there's a disco on and he was dancing on the dance floor
0:02:06 > 0:02:08and he felt this little prick in his leg,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11so he looked down and there was, like, a cocktail stick in his leg,
0:02:11 > 0:02:15with a flag on it saying, "Welcome to the world of Aids."
0:02:15 > 0:02:18So, he was just dancing on the dance floor
0:02:18 > 0:02:20and somebody injected him with Aids.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Tell them what happened at the village fete this year.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Oh, the village fete has just been.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Well, one of the barn owls got loose in the owl display
0:02:31 > 0:02:33and it snatched the Mayor's hot dog
0:02:33 > 0:02:38and then it flew into the church in the model village
0:02:38 > 0:02:42and was eating on this hot dog, like, in a terrifying manner,
0:02:42 > 0:02:47so Gary Bumworth went home, got his crossbow, shot it dead,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49basically saved the town,
0:02:49 > 0:02:55and now the owl display people reckon he owes them two grand.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57But Gary Bumworth got out paying it, cos he said he thought
0:02:57 > 0:03:02the hot dog the owl was eating was a two-month-old human baby.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Yeah, but tell them what he Facebooked you, saying.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Yeah, don't say this to anyone, but Gary Bumworth Facebooked me
0:03:08 > 0:03:11the next day, saying he knew the hot dog the owl was eating was
0:03:11 > 0:03:14a hot dog, he only said it was a two-month-old human baby
0:03:14 > 0:03:16so he could use his new crossbow,
0:03:16 > 0:03:18cos he just got his crossbow licence.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Why don't you tell them about Tupac?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24No, you tell them about Tupac.
0:03:24 > 0:03:29You know Tupac, the rap singer, faked his own death?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Because in 2013, Gary Bumworth
0:03:32 > 0:03:36saw Tupac screaming, riding the Oblivion at Alton Towers.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Aw, tell them about Mad Billy No-Trousers.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Oh, yeah, you know the tramp in town that moonwalks across
0:03:46 > 0:03:48the dual carriageway with his dick out?
0:03:48 > 0:03:53Well, you know he invented Facebook, don't you?
0:03:53 > 0:03:56And Mark Zuckerberg stole it off him.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Yeah, cos Mark Zuckerberg overheard Mad Billy No-Trousers
0:03:59 > 0:04:02talking about it to the cashier in Woolworths.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05When Woolworths was still alive.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10I've got another fact for you. You know Mad Billy No-Trousers?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- He's her boyfriend. - No, he's not!- Oh, yeah.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15I forgot, you've never had a boyfriend,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17because you're still a virgin.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21I'm not a virgin, because I've had sex loads of times, thanks.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- Who have you had sex with, then? - Phil.- Phil who?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Phil... Um...
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- Phil who?- Phil Schofield.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33What, Phil Schofield from This Morning?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- No, his brother, thanks. - All right,
0:04:36 > 0:04:40so Phil Schofield off This Morning has a brother called Phil Schofield?
0:04:40 > 0:04:45- Yes. I met him at youth club. - Yeah, sure, Kerry. Whatever.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49You're making me look like a proper bell shaft in front of everyone.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53I don't go around, going on about how yous is dyslexic and that.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Oh, that's harsh, saying that in front of them.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58It's a disease of the mind, Kerry.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00If you're finished,
0:05:00 > 0:05:05can I do my stand-up routine that I wrote on the way here? Please.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09- I'm knackered.- We had to listen to you fucking...
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- Shall I sit down? - Just a few minutes, yeah.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15Basically, ladies and gents, I'd be very much gracious
0:05:15 > 0:05:19if you could lend me your laughter for a few minutes because I wrote...
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Hurry up.- .. this stand-up on the way here.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- I'm bored!- And, yeah, it's a bit...
0:05:26 > 0:05:32I wrote a joke but it's a bit rough. Bear... Bear with me.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36Um... First joke, bit nervous now.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Just go for it, just do it. - Um...
0:05:39 > 0:05:40Um, does...
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Does anyone else think it's really annoying that you have to pay
0:05:44 > 0:05:465p for carrier bags now?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47AUDIENCE: Yeah.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51Can I just say, it's annoying, yeah,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54but it's just not very funny, is it?
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Next!
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Um... Um... Self-service checkouts at Tesco,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06Tesco call it a self-service checkout, I call it
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I might pay for some shit, I might not.
0:06:08 > 0:06:13Seriously, I'd be really careful who you say that to,
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- because you don't know if there is Tesco staff out there.- All right.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21W-W-Who recognises this, then?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Unexplained item in the bagging area.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Remove this item before continuing.
0:06:26 > 0:06:33Can I just say, I get where the joke, the thought of the joke was,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37but I just don't think you really knew where you was going with it.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Right.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Hang on, I don't know what this is.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44I've written here, "John Lewis advert, old man on the moon,
0:06:44 > 0:06:46"paedo telescope?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- But... I can't remember what the joke was.- Move on!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Don't you hate it when you are in Wetherspoons
0:06:55 > 0:06:58and you order food at the bar and they are like,
0:06:58 > 0:06:59what is your table number?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01And you're like, what is the table number?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04But they can't hear you, so you have to run all the way back.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- Is that a six or a nine? And then they do it.- No, no!
0:07:08 > 0:07:13This is my last one now, so last chance to laugh, basically.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Does anyone else remember at primary school
0:07:16 > 0:07:20when you used to go to the bogs, and the last cubicle
0:07:20 > 0:07:26- in the bog, there was always a little, orange, rusty turd.- Yes.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29And there's no toilet paper.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- It was that big, a lone turd.- Yeah.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35- And it was like a nail in the bucket, rusting.- Yeah.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40That's it, really, to be honest. I've been Curtains.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- I've been Kerry, see you later. - Cheers.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46APPLAUSE
0:07:55 > 0:07:59APPLAUSE
0:08:01 > 0:08:05Thank you very much. Hello.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Polite, that's nice.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11I'm going to start by telling you a few things.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13First of all, I'm not from here.
0:08:16 > 0:08:17You picked up on that.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20I'm from a country called Denmark. Thank you.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25You don't give a shit, do you? That's fine.
0:08:25 > 0:08:31My show is about how the best thing in my entire life happened.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35It is the best thing I've ever experienced. I will tell you that.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Are you ready to see the show?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:08:44 > 0:08:45It's started.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49This is what happened,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51the best thing that ever happened in my entire life.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53It happened about two and a half years ago.
0:08:53 > 0:08:58What happened was... How do you start this? I...
0:08:58 > 0:09:00So, I was peeing,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02like, on a man.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11Not like, not in a revengey kind of way.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14He knew. He was awake. It was...
0:09:18 > 0:09:20He had asked me for it.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24It was during the foreplay to the sexy times.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Thank you. Ooh! OK.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32And I don't know why he did this but at some point during the foreplay,
0:09:32 > 0:09:39he leaned in and he said, "I bet, I bet you wouldn't piss on me."
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Now, that's not my thing.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50I've never done that before, I've never considered wanting to
0:09:50 > 0:09:53do that before, but I am very competitive.
0:09:57 > 0:10:02So he was like, "I bet." I was like, "Bring it on. I will show you."
0:10:02 > 0:10:06So we went to the bathroom, he laid down in the...
0:10:07 > 0:10:11..shower thing. Laid down, I kind of, like, squatted.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18And then I tried to pee.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19And I couldn't.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23And he was just lying there with this stupid grin on his face
0:10:23 > 0:10:25and I got so angry.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28I was aiming for his mouth...
0:10:29 > 0:10:32I was like, "Fuck you, I can do this."
0:10:32 > 0:10:36And it really made me think of my mother.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41No, because this is my theory.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44If you find yourself doing something...
0:10:44 > 0:10:47that's a bit odd, something that's a bit weird...
0:10:47 > 0:10:52I don't know if you agree with me on this - blame your parents.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55It's always their fault.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58They raised you. They made you.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00So I know exactly...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Cos I thought, this is weird and I know exactly
0:11:03 > 0:11:06how I became this weird...
0:11:06 > 0:11:09competitive, weird person, because I once asked my mum
0:11:09 > 0:11:14and I said, "Have I always been competitive and stubborn?"
0:11:14 > 0:11:17and she, without looking up from her newspaper, just went,
0:11:17 > 0:11:21"Well, you did once steal a horse."
0:11:23 > 0:11:25And then stopped.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28As if I wouldn't have more questions.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34I said, "Tell me the story," and she said, "Well," she...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36She showed me the horse.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49It's... It's a little, white plastic horse.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52In case you didn't know.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54This is the story - I was five years old
0:11:54 > 0:11:56and I really, really wanted the horse.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59My mum couldn't afford it, I really wanted the horse.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02So we were at the local mall of Sonderso.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Is anyone in from Sonderso?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:10One day.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14We were at the local mall, in front of the toy store
0:12:14 > 0:12:16and I was pulling my mother's sleeve and I was going,
0:12:16 > 0:12:18"I want the horse, I want the horse, I want the horse.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22"Give me the horse." My mum was going, "No. No, no."
0:12:22 > 0:12:25And I said, "But I want the horse,"
0:12:25 > 0:12:28and my mum said, "Well, what are you going to do about it?"
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Five years old, I walked into the toy store,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I took the horse off the shelf,
0:12:39 > 0:12:42just took it under my arm and just walked out.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Just walked out to my mum and just went, "Got the horse.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52"I hope you kept the engine running."
0:12:55 > 0:12:59I was like, "That's horrific, how did you punish me for that?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02"Did you make me apologise, pay for it? What did you do?"
0:13:02 > 0:13:06And she said, "I didn't do anything."
0:13:06 > 0:13:07I said, "Why not?"
0:13:07 > 0:13:10She said, "Well, we got the horse."
0:13:15 > 0:13:20Actually, I think that's, like, THE lesson that my mum taught me
0:13:20 > 0:13:24is kind of, you know, just take what you want.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27She wanted to me to be this strong...
0:13:27 > 0:13:28That is her life lesson to me,
0:13:28 > 0:13:34so I grew up and became this competitive, obsessive teenager.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36I wanted to be the best at everything. That was my whole life.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I became competitive, I needed to be the best at everything
0:13:39 > 0:13:44and, guys, I ended up becoming the best at one thing.
0:13:44 > 0:13:51And I'm going to tell you this, I became the best...
0:13:52 > 0:13:55..Westlife fan.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Westlife. Do you know Westlife?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Does anyone not know Westlife?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10SILENCE
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Good. I'll just...
0:14:13 > 0:14:16In case you've forgotten, I'll just kind of...
0:14:16 > 0:14:19I don't know if I have anything to...
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Oh, wait.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23I guess we can...
0:14:26 > 0:14:28These guys, right?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I just had this lying around.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34In my suitcase.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Irish boy band. Let's put them here.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43And that can be Brian.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Because Brian left the band.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49I know you know.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54We all remember where we were.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00On March 10th, 2004.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07He left the band. They were... Um...
0:15:07 > 0:15:10I was the biggest, I was THE biggest Westlife fan.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12When I started doing stand-up,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15because I hadn't thought about Westlife at all
0:15:15 > 0:15:18since I was about 15 years old, hadn't given it a single thought,
0:15:18 > 0:15:22so when I started doing stand-up, I had this thought...
0:15:22 > 0:15:27"Hm, I should Google my name," cos that's the kind of person I am -
0:15:27 > 0:15:29the person that Googles her name.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33I will also do it after the show, so be nice.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37What if I one day become a person that people want to Google
0:15:37 > 0:15:39and search for? What would they find,
0:15:39 > 0:15:43what would they find on the internet when they Google my name?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46You know, will they find nude photos?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51There weren't any. So I fixed that.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57That's awkward phone call to make.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59"You thought they were just for you?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"Don't flatter yourself. Put them up.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06"Don't be selfish."
0:16:09 > 0:16:12What I found was much worse.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Much, much worse.
0:16:14 > 0:16:21I found 350 short stories
0:16:21 > 0:16:25that I wrote when I was 13
0:16:25 > 0:16:27about Westlife.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31350.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34And I didn't really know what to do about it,
0:16:34 > 0:16:37so I think I did the only sane thing,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40the one thing I think most people would do,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42which is to read one out on TV.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00So, these are about random whatever and then Westlife.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03There is no specific main characters,
0:17:03 > 0:17:05all very fictional and made up.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09No-one in particular. Here goes.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15"Bianca had brown hair and brown eyes.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22"She was chubby, not fat.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27"She always wore baggy clothes.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30"She didn't dress like those other girls in her class,
0:17:30 > 0:17:32"who were all whores.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41"Bianca hated herself."
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Out of the blue.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47"She smiled sarcastic at the mirror."
0:17:49 > 0:17:52I've not changed any of the grammar. This is all original.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58"Then she looked down, she looked at her body.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01"She had to lose weight, she knew that.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05"She couldn't wear anything tight, because she would look like a ham.
0:18:14 > 0:18:19"She was watching her idols, Westlife, on MTV.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21"There was a small interview.
0:18:21 > 0:18:26"The speaker asked Mark how his perfect girl would be.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29"She would have to be hot, damn hot."
0:18:29 > 0:18:31I watched a lot of Fresh Prince.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38That will explain a lot.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40"She would have to be hot, damn hot.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45"Long legs, big tits and the perfect shape.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50"You know the one," he said.
0:18:50 > 0:18:54"Though Bianca loved Westlife, she turned the TV off.
0:18:54 > 0:18:58"She felt the tears bursting down her chins.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07"Bianca ran outside.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11"She walked to the park and sat down on a bench.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"Someone sat down next to her.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17" 'What's the matter? Come on, girl. Speak to me...'
0:19:21 > 0:19:23"..an Irish voice said.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28"She knew it was Mark from Westlife."
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Why wouldn't it be?
0:19:32 > 0:19:36It's the band she hangs out at.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38"But she didn't care.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42"All she wanted to do was to commit suicide."
0:19:42 > 0:19:46It's a natural reaction to watching something on TV that you don't like.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51" 'Leave me alone,' she whispered, and stood up.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54"She walked against the bridge.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04"The water was deep, she knew that.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08"A mile at least.
0:20:15 > 0:20:20"She took one step out and felt the cold water on her body.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22"She could feel her lungs being filled with water.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26"She gave up and let her body hit the bottom."
0:20:26 > 0:20:28To be fair, she must have been quite fat.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Because that was like a mile...
0:20:35 > 0:20:39"Suddenly, she felt an arm around her waist.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42"She got pulled up and laid on the ground.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44"She couldn't really open her eyes,
0:20:44 > 0:20:47"she could just feel someone pounding on her chest.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51"It was Mark.
0:20:51 > 0:20:52"He was wet.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01" 'Why did you do that?
0:21:01 > 0:21:05" 'If you don't tell me what's wrong I'm going to throw you out again.' "
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Also, that's not a threat to someone who just tried to commit suicide -
0:21:11 > 0:21:14if you don't try to tell me why you try to kill yourself,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I'm going to kill you.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Thank you. Just prolonging the goal.
0:21:21 > 0:21:26" 'OK,' Bianca said, 'describe your perfect girl.' "
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Oh, yeah. Damn right.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35"Mark looked surprised but then said,
0:21:35 > 0:21:41" 'Sweet, funny, romantic and unselfish.'
0:21:41 > 0:21:46" 'What about hot and big tits?' she said, and looked the other way.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56" 'You think you're ugly, don't you?' he asked and laughed.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05"But then he got serious and grabbed her.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08"He hugged her and whispered in her ear,
0:22:08 > 0:22:12" 'When I mean hot, I mean from the inside.' "
0:22:15 > 0:22:18That is without a doubt the funniest thing I've ever written...
0:22:21 > 0:22:22..in my entire life.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26"When I mean hot, I mean..." What?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29That's not... Hot?
0:22:30 > 0:22:34"I mean big tits on the inside."
0:22:36 > 0:22:38"I mean emotionally long legs."
0:22:40 > 0:22:42SHE MOUTHS
0:22:43 > 0:22:48"She smiled. 'Are you serious?' she asked. Mark nodded.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52" 'Let's go home to my place. We need to get undressed.' "
0:22:55 > 0:22:56I need to say one thing.
0:22:58 > 0:23:03Like, everything I say in this entire thing is true.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06I don't lie, I don't make anything up - this is all 100%...
0:23:06 > 0:23:10If I did make something up, I would not make this up,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13which also means I genuinely wrote the story when I was 13
0:23:13 > 0:23:16and it's online, you can check it out.
0:23:16 > 0:23:21I'm saying this so you that know the last two lines, I...
0:23:21 > 0:23:24I wrote them, but, like, ages ago.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29So, you can't really blame me.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33I'm not taking responsibility for the last two lines.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37Let's all just listen to them together...
0:23:37 > 0:23:39and not judge.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:23:48 > 0:23:52"Mark didn't even care that she was 13.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00"It actually turned him on."
0:24:03 > 0:24:05APPLAUSE
0:24:18 > 0:24:21I don't know why I thought that Mark was going to read that
0:24:21 > 0:24:22and be like, "Oh, my God.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26"She gets me."
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Right, sorry. Sometimes I lose track of things.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36So, I was trying to pee on the guy...
0:24:41 > 0:24:44Trying to pee on the guy and I was getting really frustrated.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46I was getting really concerned and nervous
0:24:46 > 0:24:48because I am genuinely really competitive.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I was getting more and more frustrated that I couldn't pee
0:24:51 > 0:24:53on him, I did something weird.
0:24:53 > 0:24:54Something that I've never...
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I don't know why, it doesn't make any logical sense.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00I went over and turned the lights off
0:25:00 > 0:25:03and I went back in position.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06And then...
0:25:06 > 0:25:09I closed my eyes, which is stupid,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11because I'd just turned the lights off.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15And I don't know why, but for some reason it worked
0:25:15 > 0:25:18and I started peeing, and I was so happy.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I was like, "Oh, my God. This is amazing.
0:25:21 > 0:25:27"I am winning, I got the horse, got the horse, this is the best."
0:25:27 > 0:25:31But you know how long it takes you to pee?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33It's longer than you think.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37You reach a point where you are just like...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46"What's your name again?"
0:25:49 > 0:25:53And because, because it took so...
0:25:54 > 0:25:59Because it took so long, I kind of had time to think.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01And I started feeling like...
0:26:02 > 0:26:06Like maybe I wasn't winning. That maybe I had been tricked.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I started feeling really stupid,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12because when you are competitive and you're being tricked,
0:26:12 > 0:26:13that is worst thing in the world.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15So I started feeling really bad
0:26:15 > 0:26:17and I started feeling like I wasn't winning.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21Actually, I was losing. It's, like, the worst kind of losing.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25I felt devastated and I didn't know how I could ever get out of that.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30So I waited until I was done and I felt,
0:26:30 > 0:26:34"There is no way I will ever turn this around."
0:26:34 > 0:26:36When I was done I stepped off
0:26:36 > 0:26:40and I went back and I turned the lights on.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42And this was his facial expression.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49And I said, "What?"
0:26:49 > 0:26:53And he said, "I genuinely didn't think you would do it."
0:26:57 > 0:26:59And that's winning.
0:27:01 > 0:27:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I think that's the first time in my life I've actually won
0:27:16 > 0:27:19and I'll tell you what that feeling of winning feels like.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Winning feels...
0:27:21 > 0:27:22You can take this home with you -
0:27:22 > 0:27:26winning feels like peeing on a guy
0:27:26 > 0:27:27against his will,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29but with his permission.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33Thank you very much.
0:27:33 > 0:27:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Thank you very much.