0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains strong language.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42CHEERING
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Yes, yes, yes! How are you doing? Are you well?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Hello, very lovely to be here.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52My name is Adam Hess,
0:00:52 > 0:00:54I'm going to apologise now for the state of my voice.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57I went out a couple of nights ago, did a lot of shouting and drinking.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Went to a very classy cocktail establishment, near here,
0:01:00 > 0:01:01called Wetherspoons,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04and it turns out I wasn't actually allowed into Wetherspoons
0:01:04 > 0:01:07when we got there because apparently I was too drunk for Wetherspoons!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09Apparently, that's a new rule they've got,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11the guy at the door was like, "Yeah, you guys aren't coming in,
0:01:11 > 0:01:15"you're way too pissed." Then we did that thing where we pretended
0:01:15 > 0:01:17we couldn't believe we'd been accused of drinking.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19We just went, "Huh?!"
0:01:19 > 0:01:22"I've never drank in my life!" LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:25And he said, "Well, you're not coming in, you're too drunk."
0:01:25 > 0:01:28We walked away, but as we walked away we came up with this plan to
0:01:28 > 0:01:30swap clothes with each other,
0:01:30 > 0:01:34so that when we came back we looked like two new men.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37So, we walked back and what we thought was a really sober
0:01:37 > 0:01:40gentleman's walk, like...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:47And the guy said, "Guys, I heard you plan that."
0:01:47 > 0:01:51"You did it there, I saw you do it there."
0:01:51 > 0:01:55So, I spent all day yesterday hung-over with my new housemate.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58I live with this new guy, his name's Rhys, he's also a
0:01:58 > 0:01:59comedian and a thief...
0:01:59 > 0:02:02I thought it would be fun living with a comedian, it's not,
0:02:02 > 0:02:05it's exhausting, cos it's just joke, joke, joke, prank, prank,
0:02:05 > 0:02:06all the time!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09After just five days of living together, I had to insist on a
0:02:09 > 0:02:11prank ban because I thought someone's going to die here.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14He agreed to the prank ban, which was good.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16So, that night I hid under his bed...
0:02:16 > 0:02:19but while he was brushing his teeth, I hid underneath his
0:02:19 > 0:02:23bed to spook him, for when he came back, and I fell asleep.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25I'd say for at least an hour.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28When I woke up, like, I'd forgotten where I was - I thought I was in a
0:02:28 > 0:02:30coffin or something.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I started screaming, he started screaming and I rolled out from
0:02:32 > 0:02:35under the bed, cos I was scared, but it coincided with him
0:02:35 > 0:02:37jumping out of the bed onto my body...
0:02:37 > 0:02:39He couldn't really see, cos it was dark and I'd never
0:02:39 > 0:02:41seen a naked man from beneath before...
0:02:41 > 0:02:44It was horrible and there was screaming, but it turned out
0:02:44 > 0:02:46when I screamed beneath his head, he didn't realise
0:02:46 > 0:02:47straight away it was me.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50He thought the screaming was coming from inside his own head.
0:02:50 > 0:02:51Horrible stuff!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54I normally just lie on stage and my friends call me out on how
0:02:54 > 0:02:56much I lie on stage and just call me a boy who cried wolf.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59All I'm thinking is boy who cried wolf...he's fucking famous now,
0:02:59 > 0:03:01he was nothing before that, he was just a crap chef
0:03:01 > 0:03:03but he's not going to get on telly.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05My housemate said, "When you do this thing at the BBC, try
0:03:05 > 0:03:08and say stuff that's more honest, personal to you, stuff you
0:03:08 > 0:03:11wouldn't normally tell people and you'd enjoy saying it more."
0:03:11 > 0:03:14So, I've made a list of stuff that's true, honest and personal to me,
0:03:14 > 0:03:15that I wouldn't normally tell people.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I don't know how funny it is but if it's not, imagine it's a poem.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21OK, so, number one,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I lie to important comedy producers about how good I am at stand-up.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Hi, guys.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Number two, I once bought £400 worth of DJ equipment to make sure
0:03:29 > 0:03:31I got invited to more parties. LAUGHTER
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Number three, whenever I'm on a date with a hot girl, I tell her she's
0:03:34 > 0:03:37got an amazing laugh to trick her into thinking she's been
0:03:37 > 0:03:39laughing a lot. LAUGHTER
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Number four, I can't imagine the Queen with wet hair.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46I just can't imagine the Queen with wet hair!
0:03:46 > 0:03:50She must have washed it, she's the Queen!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Number five, I had to shave off my massive beard recently, cos I found
0:03:53 > 0:03:56out that when girls say they find men with beards sexy,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59what they really mean is they find sexy men with beards sexy.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Sorry, number six,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04the saddest I've ever been is a time I've shown anyone a YouTube video
0:04:04 > 0:04:06that I find really funny, but then halfway through
0:04:06 > 0:04:09they move the cursor to find out how long is left.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Number seven, I hate other families' plates,
0:04:11 > 0:04:15I just hate other families' plates. I don't like the designs on them!
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Number eight, I had my 18th birthday on a riverboat on the Thames,
0:04:18 > 0:04:21and when everybody realised how shit it was, they couldn't leave.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23LAUGHTER
0:04:23 > 0:04:24Disco jail!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Number nine, I learnt the hard way, it feels bizarrely inappropriate to
0:04:27 > 0:04:30say, "Hello, stranger," to an actual stranger.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32They don't like it!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Number ten, I can't get my head around the fact that my cat
0:04:35 > 0:04:36has a grandad.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39So weird, imagine calling your cat Grandad - you wouldn't!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42What the fuck is the matter?! I've got a girlfriend!
0:04:42 > 0:04:44CHEERING Ah, you heard the list.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I've got girlfriend, it's going very well, until 13 days ago when she
0:04:47 > 0:04:50dumped me but, oh, well, let's do some comedy!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52HE LAUGHS
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Her name's Lucy, short for Lucifer.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58She was so angry, but this is the most angry I've ever seen anyone.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00At one point she was
0:05:00 > 0:05:01so angry that she grabbed the scissors
0:05:01 > 0:05:04and cut something out of anger that I'm pretty sure nobody's cut
0:05:04 > 0:05:05out of anger.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08She grabbed the scissors and ran into what I thought would be
0:05:08 > 0:05:11my bedroom, to cut up my clothes, like a normal crazy person would.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12Oh, no, she ran into the bathroom,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15cut off the fucking light switch thing at the tip!
0:05:15 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER
0:05:19 > 0:05:22You can't buy them! There was nothing left up there...
0:05:22 > 0:05:25There was a little bit, but it's only pushing it further up!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28You can't unscrew that, that's part of the house!
0:05:28 > 0:05:31The only way to get a new string and a new bit is to buy a house!
0:05:31 > 0:05:32I'm not doing that!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35And the light was off and there's no window in there.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38I don't know if any of you have had to shower in pitch black before,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40it makes you feel like a murderer. My friends tired to cheer me up
0:05:40 > 0:05:43over the whole break-up situation and saying stuff like,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45"You're so lucky, all this stuff happens in your life.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47"Cos then you get to talk about it
0:05:47 > 0:05:49"on stage and it's good for your stand-up."
0:05:49 > 0:05:51As if this is worth it - it's not worth it!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I could be the best stand-up in the world but the stuff
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I need to go through to think of it is nowhere near worth it.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58She hated the present I bought her!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Cos my birthday present-buying rule is I only buy something
0:06:00 > 0:06:03for someone if I would also like to receive that thing myself, and she
0:06:03 > 0:06:05said that's selfish, cos that proves you want to use it.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08It's not, cos I don't want to fuck up my Amazon "things you may like"
0:06:08 > 0:06:10section that I've been spending years to perfect.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12I don't want to buy a cake-decorating kit
0:06:12 > 0:06:15and make Amazon go, "I don't know who you've become,
0:06:15 > 0:06:16you're on your own from now on!"
0:06:16 > 0:06:18It's so hard to buy presents and all your friends
0:06:18 > 0:06:19always think they're good at it,
0:06:19 > 0:06:21but they're bad and you know this because
0:06:21 > 0:06:23every time you've said something like,
0:06:23 > 0:06:25"I don't know what to get my dad for Christmas."
0:06:25 > 0:06:27They always say something like, "Well, what does he like?"
0:06:27 > 0:06:30As if you haven't thought to ask yourself that question?!
0:06:30 > 0:06:33So, whenever I ask that question, "I don't know what to get my dad
0:06:33 > 0:06:34"for Christmas this year."
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Whenever they say, "Well, what does he like?" I say, "cuff links".
0:06:37 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:41"Get him some cuff links..." Shut up!
0:06:41 > 0:06:45The whole present thing brings so much unnecessary stress.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I hate Christmas already, for many reasons. One reason, I was born
0:06:48 > 0:06:52on December 25th, which is horrible, yes, cos you don't get any extra
0:06:52 > 0:06:55attention or many extra presents. I got one birthday card last year,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57it was from an orang-utan I sponsored, called Seamus!
0:06:57 > 0:07:00On the front of the card was a picture of Seamus -
0:07:00 > 0:07:02how arrogant of Seamus!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04And he typed it, so he's doing all right for himself, isn't he?
0:07:04 > 0:07:06I thought the money was just for bananas. Oh, no!
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Another reason I hate Christmas, I'm not very rich,
0:07:09 > 0:07:12so I can't always reciprocate and buy everyone back who buys me stuff.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14So, I've had to start wrapping up my own things
0:07:14 > 0:07:16and pretending that I bought it.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19So, for me, now, Christmas is just time where I'm swapping
0:07:19 > 0:07:21five of my things that I like for five Lynx Africa gift sets.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23That's just soap, deodorant and a sponge.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26You get that for free in jail, I'm not going to jail every Christmas!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29OK, Lynx Africa gift sets, the Banksy book - I've been given the
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Banksy book three out of the last seven years from various aunties.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34I don't know why they're buying it for me!
0:07:34 > 0:07:36A, I hate books. B, I could BE Banksy. They don't know that.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Also when I was five, I dropped and smashed a ceramic baby Jesus
0:07:40 > 0:07:44from the nativity set my parents have. So, now it looks like we
0:07:44 > 0:07:46worship a farm.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I don't know if mums are, like, less strict nowadays
0:07:49 > 0:07:53but about a month ago I was on a train and there was a boy,
0:07:53 > 0:07:55five years old, being a dick-head.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58So, the mum gave him an iPad. What?!
0:07:58 > 0:08:02He was being badly behaved, so she gave him the best thing that has
0:08:02 > 0:08:05ever happened. Like, when I was five, if I was really good,
0:08:05 > 0:08:09then as a reward next time we went to Tesco my mum would let me
0:08:09 > 0:08:12stare at the fish in the fishmonger bit.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:14 > 0:08:17That was my reward for the entire week.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21If I was misbehaving, she'd say, "Adam, fish..."
0:08:21 > 0:08:22Yes, good one...
0:08:22 > 0:08:24We'd go to Tesco and say, "Fish, fish..."
0:08:24 > 0:08:26and I'd look at them and say, "Fish, yeah."
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I remember being so excited being near the fish,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I actually poked it in the eye. I don't know why I did that.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32And my mum lost it, she went,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35"You are not to touch other people's food. You have to buy that!"
0:08:35 > 0:08:37But I was five, obviously, I had no finances.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39The way my mum got around it was saying,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41"The way you're going pay for that is, I was going to give you
0:08:41 > 0:08:44"£5 earlier but you're going to use it to buy that fish."
0:08:44 > 0:08:47So, I then cried, cos I wasn't going to get a £5 note that
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I didn't know I was going to get anyway.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52So, I was now walking around Tesco holding this fish, crying,
0:08:52 > 0:08:53this bit of white paper.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55We got to the till, my mum put everything on the till
0:08:55 > 0:08:59but then put down the divider, made me purchase my fish separately!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Then, we were in the car and she made me have it on my lap and
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I was wearing shorts and it was quite cold on my thighs!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Then, we went home and we got into the kitchen and Mum said,
0:09:07 > 0:09:10"I'm going to throw it away now." And I was like, "No, I love him!"
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Him, I don't know why I said that.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15It was a very weird thing.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19I was a very stupid child, I was very weird.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22This boy was quite a clever boy, this boy on the train,
0:09:22 > 0:09:26really annoying kid but it didn't matter, cos I was going to get off
0:09:26 > 0:09:27the train anyway.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30My next stop was coming up and I needed the lady next to me to move,
0:09:30 > 0:09:33so I could get off but instead of saying, "Sorry, my stop's coming up,
0:09:33 > 0:09:35"do you mind moving, so I can get off?"
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I made the noise that we all make in those situation, which is...
0:09:38 > 0:09:39Sejeber, yeah.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Sejeber, does everybody know what sejeber means?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46I don't understand how on trains you have to make different noises.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48There's another one we do on trains, which is,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51let's say we're running for a train and it's just about to leave
0:09:51 > 0:09:53but you're running next to a stranger
0:09:53 > 0:09:54who's running for the same train.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57If you make it with one second to go, just after the doors shut,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00you have to look at each other like this...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER Like...
0:10:02 > 0:10:04HE SIGHS As if to say... what are we like?
0:10:04 > 0:10:05LAUGHTER
0:10:05 > 0:10:07HE CHATTERS NONSENSICALLY
0:10:07 > 0:10:09HE BREATHES HEAVILY
0:10:09 > 0:10:11LAUGHTER
0:10:11 > 0:10:12All right, yeah.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Well, thank you very much for coming.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16You've been very nice.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18My name is Adam Hess. See you later. Goodbye.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:25 > 0:10:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Wow.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Thank you. Thank you.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Thank you very much. Thank you.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you. Thank you.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Thank you very much, guys. Oh, thank you.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Thank you. Thank you so much.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Yes, I'm Dane Baptiste.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Thank you for coming to this recording of Live From The BBC.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Let's see who we have here.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59I'm an '80s baby, don't know if you know that about myself.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Any '80s babies in the room?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02CHEERING
0:11:02 > 0:11:04That's nice. Any '70s babies in the room?
0:11:04 > 0:11:05QUIETER CHEERING
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Cool, cool. Any '90s babies in the room?
0:11:07 > 0:11:09CHEERING AND WHISTLING All right!
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Go fuck yourselves!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Woo, yeah! CHEERING
0:11:12 > 0:11:15All right! Yeah! Yeah.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16OK, no, that sounded harsh.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I've got nothing against people born in the '90s,
0:11:19 > 0:11:22just that those of us born in the '70s and '80s,
0:11:22 > 0:11:25you guys remember going to school
0:11:25 > 0:11:26and every day
0:11:26 > 0:11:28praying for a snow day...
0:11:28 > 0:11:29LAUGHTER
0:11:29 > 0:11:31..that never fucking came.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER
0:11:32 > 0:11:34And now it happens every single year.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35LAUGHTER
0:11:35 > 0:11:37And society shuts down.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41You just need to understand something, '90s babies...
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Back in the '80s...
0:11:42 > 0:11:44LAUGHTER
0:11:44 > 0:11:46..there used to be this thing called the ozone layer.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47LAUGHTER
0:11:48 > 0:11:50And we all worked very hard
0:11:50 > 0:11:51to destroy that for you...
0:11:51 > 0:11:53LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:56..so you could enjoy these snow days.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Cos, no, things weren't easy going to school in the '80s.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01It wasn't easy going to school in those days.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03We didn't have smartphones to send and receive
0:12:03 > 0:12:05naked pictures of each other, like you can now.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06LAUGHTER
0:12:06 > 0:12:09It wasn't easy. In my day, if you wanted to see somebody naked,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11you had to wait until after school or lunchtime...
0:12:11 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER ..by the cloakroom or a bike shed,
0:12:14 > 0:12:15get flashed,
0:12:15 > 0:12:19memorise that shit and then show off to your friends.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Like, "That's right. I saw a vagina today."
0:12:21 > 0:12:24"Really, Dane? What did it look like?"
0:12:24 > 0:12:25"Oh, erm..."
0:12:25 > 0:12:27LAUGHTER
0:12:27 > 0:12:29"It was very complex. There's a...
0:12:29 > 0:12:30"a labia and...
0:12:30 > 0:12:34LAUGHTER "..the po... It was very dark in that cloakroom, OK?"
0:12:34 > 0:12:35LAUGHTER
0:12:35 > 0:12:37You need to understand that the resolution on our porn
0:12:37 > 0:12:38wasn't as good as it is now.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41You guys have got good porn. You got free porn.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43We didn't have that in the '80s, you know?
0:12:43 > 0:12:44Remember the good old days?
0:12:44 > 0:12:46You would take a porn magazine, read it,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48leave it in a bush, go to class
0:12:48 > 0:12:50come back...
0:12:50 > 0:12:52and that magazine would be in that same bush,
0:12:52 > 0:12:53cos people were decent back then!
0:12:53 > 0:12:54LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:12:58LAUGHTER
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Things have just changed now. Any guys here born in the '90s?
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- Yeah.- Yeah.- Yeah?
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Yeah. Look at you guys.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:07Probably never even seen
0:13:07 > 0:13:09pubic hair on a grown woman before, have you?
0:13:09 > 0:13:10LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:16In the olden days, we didn't mind a bit of pubic hair in a grown woman.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18That's how you knew you were getting full frontal
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and it made Eurotrash all the more watchable. It was good days.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24In the good old days, we weren't scared of pubic hair.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25If you pulled down some knickers,
0:13:25 > 0:13:28you saw an Ewok doing a somersault, you went ahead.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30LAUGHTER Cos men were men.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I've heard now that, when you turn 18,
0:13:34 > 0:13:36you get a chlamydia test right to your door.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39We didn't have that in my day. We weren't scared of STDs,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41we weren't worried about chlamydia, cos men were men.
0:13:41 > 0:13:42And you know something?
0:13:42 > 0:13:44If you caught it, you just drank a Lucozade
0:13:44 > 0:13:45and you walked it off.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46LAUGHTER
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Cos I'm a man. A strong man!
0:13:48 > 0:13:49APPLAUSE
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Good men. Proud men.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55That's what I can piece together from my childhood anyway.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56LAUGHTER
0:13:56 > 0:13:58So, I was brought up in South London.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59I was brought up in South London.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- Woo!- Yeah, cool.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Thanks for that, you guys.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06I was born in South London, but my mum grew up in Yorkshire,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09my mum came from Yorkshire and she trained as a nurse,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11which meant she was a bit overprotective.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13So I want to confess something to you guys,
0:14:13 > 0:14:14cos I feel like we are all family now.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Erm...
0:14:18 > 0:14:21..I never learned how to ride a bike.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23- Awh!- I don't need your... It's too late now.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25LAUGHTER
0:14:25 > 0:14:27I never learned how to ride a bike, cos my mum said
0:14:27 > 0:14:29if I rode a bike in London, I'd come out the house,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31get hit by a car and I would die
0:14:31 > 0:14:32and, after 14 hours of labour,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35if anybody was going to kill me, it was going to be her, so...
0:14:35 > 0:14:37So I never learned to ride a bike,
0:14:37 > 0:14:40which meant I couldn't do normal childhood things.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41That's what you do when you're a child.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43You ride your bikes, go to the park,
0:14:43 > 0:14:44hang out with friends on council estates
0:14:44 > 0:14:46and throw stones at paedophiles' windows.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48And I missed out on all of that
0:14:48 > 0:14:49wholesome fun...
0:14:51 > 0:14:53My mum said, "The only way you're going to ride a bike
0:14:53 > 0:14:54"is if you wear a helmet and kneepads."
0:14:54 > 0:14:57This was the '80s, where child safety was a myth.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59LAUGHTER
0:14:59 > 0:15:00You couldn't wear any kind of protection.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02If you wore a helmet,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05that's like wearing a condom that protects you from friendship, so...
0:15:05 > 0:15:06LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I couldn't do that.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10That's the thing. As a child, I couldn't tell people
0:15:10 > 0:15:13I couldn't ride a bike, cos I didn't want to be embarrassed.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14But the worst thing is, as a society,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17we always try to relate new experiences to each other by saying,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20"It's easy once you get the hang of it. It's just like riding a bike."
0:15:20 > 0:15:22I can't fucking ride a bike, so that analogy...
0:15:22 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER
0:15:23 > 0:15:25..never applied to my life.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27It meant I had to do a lot of things I didn't want to do,
0:15:27 > 0:15:29in order to save myself from embarrassment.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I had to take swimming lessons.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33They were like, "Oh, Dane! You'll love swimming.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36"It's a great way of getting exercise, perfect for the cardio."
0:15:36 > 0:15:38I said, "I don't want to do swimming lessons,
0:15:38 > 0:15:40"cos the chlorine gets in my eyes, and it stinks."
0:15:40 > 0:15:43They were like, "No, Dane. Swimming is easy once you get the hang of it.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46"It's just like riding a bike." LAUGHTER
0:15:46 > 0:15:47It meant I had to take swimming lessons.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Anybody here take swimming lessons?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51CHEERING You took swimming lessons?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53But do you go home every night and pray for a verruca?
0:15:53 > 0:15:54LAUGHTER
0:15:54 > 0:15:55No, cos that was MY life.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59I also had to learn German in school.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00I didn't want to do that either.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02They were like, "Dane, you should learn German.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05"It's a great tool and it's a very useful and logical language."
0:16:05 > 0:16:07And I said, "I don't want to learn German,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10"because not very many countries in this world speak that language.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12"Also, I just came from History class and, apparently,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14"they don't like people like me that much."
0:16:19 > 0:16:22And they were like, "No, Dane. You'll love German.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24"It's very easy once you get the hang of it."
0:16:24 > 0:16:26HE SPEAKS GERMAN
0:16:29 > 0:16:31You guys might not understand that,
0:16:31 > 0:16:32but that shit's fucking hilarious.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Does anyone here speak German?
0:16:36 > 0:16:37HE SPEAKS GERMAN
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Most people might know what...
0:16:40 > 0:16:41I told you, I know it. Seriously.
0:16:41 > 0:16:42LAUGHTER
0:16:42 > 0:16:45You guys might know a few words. You know what "ein" means.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- One. - Yeah, you know what "nein" means.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48No.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51You know how many other people I've met throughout my life
0:16:51 > 0:16:52who also spoke German?
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Ein.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54LAUGHTER
0:16:54 > 0:16:55Are we still friends?
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Nein.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58LAUGHTER
0:17:01 > 0:17:02So I also had to go...
0:17:02 > 0:17:04I had to join the Cub Scouts as well.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Any Cub Scouts in the room?
0:17:06 > 0:17:07Woo!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Yeah, one person. Er...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11For those of you who don't know how Cub Scouts works,
0:17:11 > 0:17:12it's similar to a gang.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Like, we got colours, but those colours...
0:17:14 > 0:17:15LAUGHTER
0:17:15 > 0:17:19We've got colours, but those colours are located on your woggle,
0:17:19 > 0:17:20with your little scarf...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22LAUGHTER
0:17:24 > 0:17:27And then you gets some tweed hot pants as well.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28LAUGHTER
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Which, as a child, is like wearing a punchbag. And...
0:17:30 > 0:17:32LAUGHTER
0:17:32 > 0:17:34..because I was in the Cub Scouts, that meant I had to go camping.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37They were like, "Dane, you should come camping. It's great.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40"You get back in touch with nature, you get in the great outdoors."
0:17:40 > 0:17:41I said, "I don't need to do that.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44"My parents came from an island where they grew up with no shoes.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46"So me going would just be taking a step back."
0:17:46 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:48 > 0:17:50And they were like, "No, Dane.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52"Camping is a great way of learning about surviving.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"It's easy once you get the hang of it.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55"It's just like riding a bike."
0:17:55 > 0:17:56LAUGHTER
0:17:56 > 0:17:58So I had to go camping and I had to share a tent
0:17:58 > 0:18:01with a guy called Paul Williamson.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03And Paul shit himself.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04LAUGHTER
0:18:04 > 0:18:07A lot. LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:08Has anyone here been to Vietnam?
0:18:08 > 0:18:09LAUGHTER
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Me neither. But when you're in a tent and you see a man's tears
0:18:12 > 0:18:14and smell his faeces, that's pretty fucking close.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:21So I worked out that, you know, very early on in my life that,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25you know, my mother was trying to destroy me...
0:18:25 > 0:18:27cos not only did she make me do all of these things,
0:18:27 > 0:18:28she also had the nerve
0:18:28 > 0:18:31to bring another child into the world the same time as me,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34because I have a twin sister.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Now, some of you are trying to conjure what she might look like.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Don't bother, because I take after my mother.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41And she takes after Satan and...
0:18:41 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER
0:18:44 > 0:18:46I had to share everything with my sister.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Birthday money, pocket money, Christmas money,
0:18:48 > 0:18:50friends, McNuggets.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51That's not being born a twin...
0:18:51 > 0:18:54That's being born divorced. It's horrible.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:19:00But that's the thing. When I tell people I have a twin,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I always get asked one of two questions.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04The first question is, "Oh, you have a twin sister!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06"Are you identical?"
0:19:06 > 0:19:08LAUGHTER
0:19:11 > 0:19:12I know some of you are wondering
0:19:12 > 0:19:15what kind of person would ask that type of question.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Have you guys ever bought a cup of coffee
0:19:16 > 0:19:18and on the side of the cup, it says,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20"Caution. Contents may be hot"?
0:19:20 > 0:19:21LAUGHTER
0:19:21 > 0:19:23You think, "Obviously, it's a cup of coffee.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25"Who the hell is this warning there for?"
0:19:25 > 0:19:26It's for those people.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32Or, if anyone has ever bought a Snickers bar, and it says,
0:19:32 > 0:19:34"Caution. May contain nuts or traces of nuts."
0:19:34 > 0:19:36And you think,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38"Obviously, it's a Snickers bar - that's what I bought it for.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41"Who the hell is this warning there for?"
0:19:41 > 0:19:43It's for those people. LAUGHTER
0:19:43 > 0:19:46If any of you are in here tonight, we are not identical,
0:19:46 > 0:19:47because she has a vagina.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48LAUGHTER
0:19:50 > 0:19:51I mean, I say she has a vagina.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53I've not seen it for a long time. Erm...
0:19:53 > 0:19:54LAUGHTER
0:19:54 > 0:19:55Obviously.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57LAUGHTER
0:19:57 > 0:19:59That's the thing. I'm sure she has a vagina,
0:19:59 > 0:20:02cos I'm not sure if, you know, genitals work the same way
0:20:02 > 0:20:05that teeth do. You know, you get a baby set and then that falls out...
0:20:05 > 0:20:07LAUGHTER
0:20:07 > 0:20:10..and then the adult set grows in. But...
0:20:10 > 0:20:12that would be good if that could happen,
0:20:12 > 0:20:15because we've all been at a party and met somebody and thought,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18"That guy is a real dick. He must be overcompensating for something.
0:20:18 > 0:20:19"He must have a small penis."
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Wouldn't it be so much nicer if somebody came up and was like,
0:20:22 > 0:20:24"Hey, guys. I'm really sorry about Cliff.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27"His baby penis fell off last week..."
0:20:27 > 0:20:29"If he seems a bit cranky, it's because he's sheathing,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32"but, as soon as his adult penis comes through..."
0:20:32 > 0:20:35"I'm sure he'll be fine. I'm really sorry."
0:20:35 > 0:20:36LAUGHTER
0:20:36 > 0:20:39I'm just saying that puberty would have been a lot more bearable,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41as a girl, you could think yourself,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43"These are just my baby breasts. These will fall off.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46"My adult breasts will grow in and then the good times will begin."
0:20:46 > 0:20:47LAUGHTER
0:20:47 > 0:20:50No, I would feel a lot better if I could be with a girl and be like,
0:20:50 > 0:20:52"Oh, baby, this? Don't worry about this. This is...
0:20:52 > 0:20:54"this is just my baby penis. This is..."
0:20:54 > 0:20:55LAUGHTER
0:20:56 > 0:20:58"It's going to fall off and then...
0:20:58 > 0:21:01"my adult penis will grow in and then the good times will begin."
0:21:01 > 0:21:03LAUGHTER
0:21:03 > 0:21:06I can't wait for my wisdom dick to come through, though, cos...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08LAUGHTER
0:21:08 > 0:21:10APPLAUSE
0:21:10 > 0:21:11Lord knows I've made mistakes. I have.
0:21:13 > 0:21:14I've made mistakes.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18The more you think about it, there's probably a good reason
0:21:18 > 0:21:20why you don't get baby genitals and adult genitals.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Cos you know when your baby teeth fall out,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25the tooth fairy comes and collects those and leaves you some money.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Can you imagine the mythical creature
0:21:28 > 0:21:29they'd have to come up with...
0:21:29 > 0:21:30LAUGHTER
0:21:30 > 0:21:33..that has to go around collecting people's genitals?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35How they would be viewed by other mythical creatures
0:21:35 > 0:21:37at dinner parties?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny in the corner, like,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41"Oh my God. Look who just showed up."
0:21:41 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER
0:21:44 > 0:21:45"What is wrong with this guy?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47"You know he actually walks around with a sack of baby dicks?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49"Like, what the...?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51"What's wrong with him? I mean... No."
0:21:51 > 0:21:53"I know I'm not perfect, Easter Bunny,
0:21:53 > 0:21:54"but at least I'm not a cock goblin".
0:21:54 > 0:21:55"Excuse me!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58"Excuse me! I'm a Penis Pixie and I've got a job to do."
0:21:58 > 0:21:59LAUGHTER
0:21:59 > 0:22:02"You only work one day a year, Father Christmas.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04"Well, whatever you say. Enjoy your clit and mix.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06"Ah, go fuck yourself, Father Christmas!"
0:22:06 > 0:22:07LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:13LAUGHTER
0:22:13 > 0:22:16I reali...I realise I may have overthought that scenario somewhat.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18LAUGHTER
0:22:18 > 0:22:20So I do overthink things.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23And that is not my fault, because my mother was a bit of a hypochondriac,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25as a nurse, and, also, she was a Catholic.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Any Catholics in the room, by the way?
0:22:27 > 0:22:28- Woo!- Yeah!
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Don't feel ashamed. You know, that's a thing.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:35The thing is... For those of you who don't know, Catholicism...
0:22:35 > 0:22:39In Catholicism, we believe in an unbroken apostolic succession
0:22:39 > 0:22:41and transubstantiation.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Yes. Which I know sounds boring,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46when you compare it to the other entertainer religions,
0:22:46 > 0:22:48like Kabbalah, they've got mysticism and jewellery
0:22:48 > 0:22:49and Madonna and...
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Then you've got Scientology,
0:22:51 > 0:22:53with the spaceships and the lasers
0:22:53 > 0:22:55and John Travolta and Tom Cruise.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57All right. What have we got in Catholicism? Like...?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Mel Gibson?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01LAUGHTER All right, no. But we do have...
0:23:01 > 0:23:03We do have alcohol in our place of worship.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Yeah, and a ban on condoms,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08so every weekend is like being in Magaluf. Am I right, guys?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10LAUGHTER Woo, yeah!
0:23:10 > 0:23:11That's right. That is right!
0:23:11 > 0:23:13APPLAUSE
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Now he's back in the room. Back in the room.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18No, but I...
0:23:18 > 0:23:20LAUGHTER
0:23:20 > 0:23:23..I get why people aren't hot on religion nowadays.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Cos some of the stories are kind of far-fetched,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27you know, in Christianity.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Like, in the old Testament, you have Adam kicking things off.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32In the new Testament, Jesus takes over
0:23:32 > 0:23:35and then he becomes the focal point of the entire religion,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38which must cause some sibling rivalry of biblical proportions.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Cos I imagine, by now, Jesus is very arrogant towards his older brother.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Can you imagine him coming home every night with his ego.
0:23:45 > 0:23:46"Yea, Gabriel.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49"Luke, yea, loaves and fishes. Er.."
0:23:49 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER
0:23:54 > 0:23:55"Adam?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58"What are you do...? Oh. What are you doing here?
0:23:58 > 0:24:01"Not busy, I see. Ah, this is awkward. OK.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03"Erm, let me tell you about my day.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06"Just had another place of worship built in my name in South America,
0:24:06 > 0:24:07"so a very good day."
0:24:07 > 0:24:09"Oh, well, this is bullshit!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11"Nobody builds a place of worship in my name, and I was here first!"
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"That's because you caused the fall of Man, Adam!"
0:24:14 > 0:24:15LAUGHTER
0:24:17 > 0:24:19"You know, I've never heard anyone say YOUR name
0:24:19 > 0:24:21"during am orgasm, Adam."
0:24:21 > 0:24:23LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:25MAN LAUGHS IN DEEP VOICE
0:24:25 > 0:24:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:33 > 0:24:35That actually sounded like God was cracking up at that joke.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:24:39 > 0:24:42If you didn't find that funny, you hate our Lord and Saviour, so...
0:24:42 > 0:24:43LAUGHTER
0:24:43 > 0:24:45"Yes." HE LAUGHS MOCKINGLY
0:24:45 > 0:24:47"Adam is a sideman."
0:24:47 > 0:24:50LAUGHTER
0:24:50 > 0:24:52The other question you get asked, when you tell people
0:24:52 > 0:24:54you have a twin, they always used to say to me,
0:24:54 > 0:24:56"Oh, Dane, you have a twin.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58"Which one of you is the evil twin?"
0:24:58 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Let me ask you guys a question.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Which one of us came all the way here
0:25:02 > 0:25:05to share his hopes and dreams with you, with his first BBC special?
0:25:05 > 0:25:07And which one of us is at home, drinking rose,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians?
0:25:09 > 0:25:12So it's very clear who the evil twin is.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14And I would have loved to settle my differences with my sister,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17but I can't hit her, because she's my sister and she is a girl
0:25:17 > 0:25:19and that would be wrong.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21But what she would do is use psychological warfare
0:25:21 > 0:25:23to get me in trouble with my parents...
0:25:23 > 0:25:25My parents would say something like,
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"Dane's Sister, you're not doing very well in school.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30"Can you explain these grades?" She'd go, "Explain those grades?
0:25:30 > 0:25:33"Why doesn't Dane explain why he's going to school with condoms
0:25:33 > 0:25:35"at 14 years old and his girlfriend's on the Pill?"
0:25:35 > 0:25:37LAUGHTER
0:25:37 > 0:25:39That's not something you tell your parents, because that means
0:25:39 > 0:25:42you have to have the sex conversation with them, which some
0:25:42 > 0:25:45may have had. There's some young ladies here. Maybe your dad
0:25:45 > 0:25:47had that conversation with you, where he was like,
0:25:47 > 0:25:49"Darling, I realise you're becoming a woman now
0:25:49 > 0:25:50"and aware of your sexuality,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52"so, as your father, what I'm going to do is
0:25:52 > 0:25:54"send you to a convent on the moon."
0:25:54 > 0:25:55LAUGHTER
0:26:00 > 0:26:01"It's just the right thing to do."
0:26:02 > 0:26:05My problem is that my mother was a nurse, so she thought
0:26:05 > 0:26:08she knew everything and wanted to have an open and frank conversation.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10So she'd call me and be like, "Dane, Dane. Come here.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12"Dane, I realise you're becoming a man now
0:26:12 > 0:26:13"and experiencing your sexuality.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16"I don't know why, Dane. Your voice hasn't broken
0:26:16 > 0:26:18"and you don't have any pubic hair." "Really, Mum?"
0:26:18 > 0:26:20"All I'm saying is, Dane, if you can't iron a shirt properly,
0:26:20 > 0:26:22"how are you going to satisfy a woman?"
0:26:22 > 0:26:24LAUGHTER
0:26:24 > 0:26:26APPLAUSE
0:26:26 > 0:26:28"Dane, I know you have a lot of questions, OK? I picked you up
0:26:28 > 0:26:31"this leaflet from work, which will let you know how everything goes."
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Anyone who remembers the '90s, sex education and those leaflets,
0:26:34 > 0:26:35it would be like...
0:26:35 > 0:26:37AMERICAN ACCENT: "Hey, stud! You've discovered sex!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39"Lucky you. This is going to be wicked!"
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Cos that's how people spoke back then. Erm...
0:26:41 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER
0:26:42 > 0:26:45AMERICAN ACCENT: "Sex is really fun, especially with somebody you love.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46"It's just like flying -
0:26:46 > 0:26:49"takes a while to get the hang of, but you get used to it.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51"It's just like riding a bike." LAUGHTER
0:26:55 > 0:26:57HE SIGHS
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I...I just noticed, actually, that I...
0:26:59 > 0:27:01I called my sister, "Dane's Sister".
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Did you want to know her name?
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Well, I'm not telling you.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07I'm not sharing my BBC special with her,
0:27:07 > 0:27:09as well as everything else I had to share my entire life!
0:27:09 > 0:27:11It doesn't matter.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13LAUGHTER
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Everything.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Dane Baptiste.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Thank you for making this special VERY special.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24You've been amazing. Thanks for your patience. And...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Yeah, man. I guess I'll see you around when it comes out.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Hopefully, it will do well and you will have to pay more to see me.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Just kidding. LAUGHTER
0:27:30 > 0:27:32You guys are cool. I've been Dane Baptiste.
0:27:32 > 0:27:35Thank you very much for listening. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING