0:00:31 > 0:00:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Thank you so much!
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Thank you so much!
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Thank you!
0:00:46 > 0:00:51Thank you so much! Thank you so much! Hello, my name is Sara Pascoe.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52I never want you to stop clapping.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Now, what's the best thing that's ever happened to me?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Oh, God, I miss it.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Now it's my turn.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Thank you so much for having me.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06I'm going to tell you the worst thing first, the bad thing.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07I'm 35 years old.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10That's not the bad thing, unless you're trying to get me pregnant.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18I'm 35, which is the oldest I've ever been, and, look,
0:01:18 > 0:01:22I'm enjoying ageing. We're supposed to hate ourselves, but I don't.
0:01:22 > 0:01:23I'm really enjoying it.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25I feel more confident and I know myself better,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28but what's been happening is I've started remembering things -
0:01:28 > 0:01:31memories from adolescence, things I've completely forgotten -
0:01:31 > 0:01:33they're dropping back into my brain fully formed
0:01:33 > 0:01:35and I remember something about a year and a half ago.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37I'm going to tell you this as the first thing
0:01:37 > 0:01:39cos it's going to make you not like me
0:01:39 > 0:01:40and then I'm going to try and win you back.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Doesn't always work!
0:01:43 > 0:01:47So basically what I'd forgotten,
0:01:47 > 0:01:49but then I remembered... So when I was 18,
0:01:49 > 0:01:50I didn't have very much money,
0:01:50 > 0:01:53but I did have a best friend called Shelley and she didn't have
0:01:53 > 0:01:55very much money, either, so what we would do,
0:01:55 > 0:01:57we went to parties, we had a system
0:01:57 > 0:01:59whereby Shelley would give somebody a blow job
0:01:59 > 0:02:00in exchange for a gram of cocaine...
0:02:04 > 0:02:07..which we would then both take!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And I had completely forgotten about this and, looking back,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I cannot believe that I did that.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17It is such an unethical drug.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22It ruins lives all over the world. Also, obviously, of course,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I don't think that that was an appropriate system.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26I don't think that system is OK, but when I was 18,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I felt very grown up and autonomous and I thought that I could
0:02:29 > 0:02:32make my own decisions and so could Shelley and now I'm 35,
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I feel incredibly protective over teenage girls.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36They're so young, it's such a formative stage.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39I look back and I see I was a terrible friend.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I never told her to do that,
0:02:41 > 0:02:45but I also never told her not to so I started to feel really guilty
0:02:45 > 0:02:47and I wanted to apologise to Shelley,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49but we're not really in touch any more
0:02:49 > 0:02:53because people don't tend to invite their pimp to their wedding.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56So I had to kind of write her a message
0:02:56 > 0:02:59and the beginning of the message was what I've just said to you.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00"Oh, I've forgotten,
0:03:00 > 0:03:03"but then I remembered how when we used to go to parties,
0:03:03 > 0:03:06"you'd give oral sex in exchange for narcotics and, looking back,
0:03:06 > 0:03:09"I should have dissuaded you
0:03:09 > 0:03:11"or suggested we got part-time work
0:03:11 > 0:03:13"and I feel really sorry about this now," and I said,
0:03:13 > 0:03:17"Shelley, I hope wherever you are in your life, you're really happy,"
0:03:17 > 0:03:19and then I sat back and I waited for her to reply to me
0:03:19 > 0:03:20cos I thought she would say it was fine
0:03:20 > 0:03:23and then I could feel better and I was waiting and waiting
0:03:23 > 0:03:25and she was not replying so I started to get paranoid, like,
0:03:25 > 0:03:28"Maybe she does hate me now," and then I checked back
0:03:28 > 0:03:31about a week later and she'd deleted it off her wall.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38So there's just no way of knowing.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41And I feel really bad about this and the thing is, this is the thing,
0:03:41 > 0:03:42this is the point I'm trying to make -
0:03:42 > 0:03:43I want to be a good person.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47I want to be on the right team, I want to be one of the good guys,
0:03:47 > 0:03:48but the more I think about anything,
0:03:48 > 0:03:51the more complicated it becomes in terms of knowing
0:03:51 > 0:03:52whether you're a good person or not
0:03:52 > 0:03:54and also the terms "bad" and "good", they're subjective.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56They mean different things to different people.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Most people agree Stalin, "Oh, very bad,"
0:03:59 > 0:04:02but if you were a gulag maker...
0:04:04 > 0:04:06..you'd be into him.
0:04:06 > 0:04:12Oh, Mother Theresa, most people agree, "Oh, very good."
0:04:12 > 0:04:16If you were Princess Diana, bitch is your competition so...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20So, like, all the recent stuff with Brexit, I find it
0:04:20 > 0:04:23so confusing because the whole thing with Europe, like, it seems like
0:04:23 > 0:04:25there's sensible arguments on both sides
0:04:25 > 0:04:27and I don't think we talk enough about that now.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28I don't really understand it.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Everyone I know from comedy's really intelligent
0:04:31 > 0:04:33and they know their own minds and half of my friends,
0:04:33 > 0:04:35they're all talking about how the EU are creating our laws
0:04:35 > 0:04:38and we hadn't elected them and that's undemocratic
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and then the other half are saying, "But if we actually leave,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"our economy is going to get even weaker,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45"the vulnerable in society will become even more vulnerable,"
0:04:45 > 0:04:47and I'm thinking, "How can you be making a decision
0:04:47 > 0:04:49"between the economy and democracy?"
0:04:49 > 0:04:52It's like they said to us all, "Guys, your house is on fire,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55"but if you put it out, gravity will stop working."
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Good luck! What?!
0:04:59 > 0:05:02The whole thing feels like a game of Would You Rather.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05You know when you were little,
0:05:05 > 0:05:06you would go to sleepovers and play this game
0:05:06 > 0:05:09called Would You Rather, but it was always two things you didn't want.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12You just had to choose which one you didn't want the least.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15"Would you rather have massive hands
0:05:15 > 0:05:17"but they're not attached to your body
0:05:17 > 0:05:21"or tiny hands but they're strangling you?
0:05:23 > 0:05:28"Oh, and, by the way, one of them means you're racist." What?!
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It's too hard. Why are you asking us?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33And another thing where the right and wrong is unclear to me,
0:05:33 > 0:05:35sometimes it can be... Basically, Uber.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37Now, most of you will know what Uber is,
0:05:37 > 0:05:41but just in case you don't, it's a taxi but with judgment.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46Oh, you get a review at the end. I've only got four stars on Uber.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50I've lost one and I don't know how, but I sat there quietly,
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I was wearing my seat belt and deodorant,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55which is more than I can say for you, Nicolai.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00But they have a really aggressive business model.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Lots of these companies do now
0:06:02 > 0:06:04and so it's that thing of the short term vs the long term.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06In the long term, basically,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09they under-price taxi drivers and cab drivers in this country.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Uber don't pay tax here.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13In the long run, Uber is terrible for everyone,
0:06:13 > 0:06:14but in the short term,
0:06:14 > 0:06:16it's brilliant for the individual because it is cheaper
0:06:16 > 0:06:19and also it's marketed, especially at women, to make us feel safer -
0:06:19 > 0:06:21the fact that more people are getting cabs home,
0:06:21 > 0:06:23the fact the driver comes to where you're standing
0:06:23 > 0:06:26cos of the phone signal and then they put a little picture
0:06:26 > 0:06:28of the Uber driver on there to kind of reassure you
0:06:28 > 0:06:30about who's coming to pick you up
0:06:30 > 0:06:32and the Uber drivers, as a funny prank,
0:06:32 > 0:06:39have taken the scariest photographs that they can.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41There must be a competition in the office.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44They're always on their phone from below
0:06:44 > 0:06:46with eyes like they hate you
0:06:46 > 0:06:49and you're only ever asking for one because you're scared
0:06:49 > 0:06:50cos it's half-two in the morning
0:06:50 > 0:06:52and you're pissed and you're thinking,
0:06:52 > 0:06:54"Oh, no, it's really very dodgy round here.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56I'm going to be a sensible lady and get myself an Uber,"
0:06:56 > 0:06:59and then you press it and it goes, "Arnab's on his way."
0:07:01 > 0:07:02"Shit."
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Cos this guy's definitely coming to kill me.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08And you can see where he is cos there's a little map.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10You can see him in his tiny car.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14He's only a minute away, he's just turning around from the knife shop.
0:07:15 > 0:07:18You know you've only got 60 seconds to get out of there.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20So you're fretting, like, "Oh, no, what shall I do?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23"Shall I flag down a stranger's car and ask him to rescue me?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25"What if that guy is a murderer?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27"At least with Arnab, there's a paper trail.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30"If I go missing, he'll be the first person they'll check with.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32"I better wait."
0:07:32 > 0:07:34And by then, he's arrived and then to check that it's him,
0:07:34 > 0:07:36because of the angle he's taken the photo at,
0:07:36 > 0:07:40to check that it's him, you have to bend down and look upwards.
0:07:40 > 0:07:46You had to kind of get in the passenger side footwell. "Arnab?"
0:07:46 > 0:07:49And often, by then, it's too late.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51I'm being very naughty.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I shouldn't be scaremongering about Uber.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54I only actually know one person
0:07:54 > 0:07:56who says that they were murdered by an Uber driver.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02That was my sister and she's lied about this kind of thing before.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04No, this sounds like it's bad on her.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Everyone in my family, we're all liars.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09We're the worst kind of liar cos we really believe ourselves
0:08:09 > 0:08:12and we never, ever admit that something's not true,
0:08:12 > 0:08:13no matter what evidence you have.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16So I'll give you an example and to be fair to them, I'll give you
0:08:16 > 0:08:20a me example cos they're angry with me with how much I talk about them.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24"Rub that bit out!" So, to be fair to them, I'll give you a me example.
0:08:24 > 0:08:30About 14 years ago, 15, maybe, at Christmas time,
0:08:30 > 0:08:33I had too much to drink and I was very emotionally involved
0:08:33 > 0:08:35with an EastEnders storyline
0:08:35 > 0:08:38and I told my sister that I was her real mum.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45She still doesn't know that I'm not and I'll never let her find out
0:08:45 > 0:08:48and I'm only 18 months older than her so I've had to tell
0:08:48 > 0:08:52quite a lot of other lies to make it seem believable.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Now, the one place that I will not lie is in my relationship
0:08:55 > 0:08:57because I've found that the truth hurts more.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01My entire relationship is built on beautiful honesty,
0:09:01 > 0:09:05apart from there's one lie that I told him, but it was accidental.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08So when we first got together, I told him that before we'd met,
0:09:08 > 0:09:13I had joined the Mile High Club because I thought that I had.
0:09:13 > 0:09:19Back story - I watched a film when I was about eight
0:09:19 > 0:09:22and a character in that film mentioned the Mile High Club.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Now, at the time, I was in the Burger King Kids Club.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29That was working out brilliantly and I was keen to join more clubs
0:09:29 > 0:09:31and so my ears pricked up at this mention
0:09:31 > 0:09:34and I didn't even watch the end of the film,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36I just ran through my house looking for an adult
0:09:36 > 0:09:37that I could ask about it.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39The first one I find was my Uncle Trevor.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Now, looking back, I don't know why he was in my house.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45I'm really suspicious about it, but it's, like,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48too late to do anything about it now, like, "Repress it!
0:09:48 > 0:09:54"Stop thinking about it! Why didn't he have a shirt on? I don't know!
0:09:54 > 0:09:58"I don't know!" Everyone's divorced now, it's fine.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00It doesn't matter.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04So, Uncle Trevor, I was like, "Oh, Uncle Trevor, Uncle Trevor,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06"how does one get membership to this Mile High Club?"
0:10:06 > 0:10:08And he was obviously a little bit thrown
0:10:08 > 0:10:11cos he thought about it for a second and he was like, "Oh...
0:10:11 > 0:10:14"Oh, yeah, that's when you're on an aeroplane
0:10:14 > 0:10:19"and you go to the toilet for a long time."
0:10:19 > 0:10:23Yes, so I thought it was doing a poo on an aeroplane
0:10:23 > 0:10:27and no-one disabused me of that notion for 25 years,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30which means that every time I've been asked in my life,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32which is probably about seven or eight times,
0:10:32 > 0:10:36"Oh, Sara, have you joined the Mile High Club?"
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I've always answered in the same way by going, "Yes, every time I fly!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44"I think it's the nerves!"
0:10:45 > 0:10:52I'm going to say something in about 30 seconds and it's, erm, sexist.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54I'm about to say something that's quite sexist,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57but you have to understand that I know that it's sexist
0:10:57 > 0:11:00so it's OK cos that is the system.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03So, I earn more money than my boyfriend does, which is fine,
0:11:03 > 0:11:06and that means that I have to pay for everything that we do,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08which I don't mind and he's all right with it,
0:11:08 > 0:11:15but in the olden days, in the '80s, there used to be this system
0:11:15 > 0:11:19where, like, a man would buy dinner and a woman would put out.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Now, I'm not saying that I agree with that.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25The idea that a woman is economically dependent
0:11:25 > 0:11:26on a man is disgusting.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29The idea that a man expects sex just because he's paid is awful,
0:11:29 > 0:11:34but what is worse is that it doesn't work the other way round.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Well, what I've found is if it is the woman that's paid for dinner
0:11:37 > 0:11:40and the weekly shop and the electricity bill,
0:11:40 > 0:11:45oh, then he never puts out because apparently you've emasculated him
0:11:45 > 0:11:47by asking for a thank-you dance.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Double standards!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53It's not fair and so this is true,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55I don't think me and my boyfriend have enough sex.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59He says that me talking about it on stage is not helping.
0:11:59 > 0:12:001-0.
0:12:00 > 0:12:06And so I'm trying to... I'm trying to spice things up.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I'm trying to seduce him, that's what I want to do.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10What I do when I'm in the mood for lovemaking,
0:12:10 > 0:12:14I want to try and entice him, I shave my entire body - head to toe.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16No, it's too high!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19This is seduction, not a '90s pop star breakdown.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24I shave from my chin down to my big toe and then,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27in order to let him know in a subtle way,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29I don't rinse the bath.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Yeah!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34He knows what I'm saying!
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Erm, if you are sitting there thinking,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43"Wow, that woman just told us a really gross thing about herself,"
0:12:43 > 0:12:45wait till you hear this next thing.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48At Christmas, we got presents for each other.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I don't know why I'm explaining. "You know, Christmas presents..."
0:12:51 > 0:12:55"Ever heard of Christmas presents?" Well, we did it one year.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59We're crazy. Now, he opened my present first.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03I had bought us a holiday to Barbados and it was all-inclusive
0:13:03 > 0:13:05and I'd never been on that kind of holiday before,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07I'd never spent that kind of money before and I was thrilled
0:13:07 > 0:13:10to give it to him and then he gave me my present and I opened it
0:13:10 > 0:13:13and it was an electric toothbrush.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14Hmm.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17And then there was this tension in the house, like I could tell
0:13:17 > 0:13:20that he was sadder than usual during the gratitude boogie.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27I waited for him to finish and then I was like, "Oh, are you all right?"
0:13:27 > 0:13:29And he was like, "No, I'm really embarrassed
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"about the discrepancy in our presents.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34"Just please promise me you'll never tell anyone about this."
0:13:35 > 0:13:39But I am telling anyone and the reason is I thought about it
0:13:39 > 0:13:41and my initial response was wrong.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43So you think my present is a better or bigger present
0:13:43 > 0:13:46cos it's more expensive, but, no, a holiday, that is a finite thing.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Seven days, even if they are amazing days,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50seven days - done, gone forever.
0:13:50 > 0:13:51An electric toothbrush,
0:13:51 > 0:13:55that is something that I use every single day to masturbate.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Guys!
0:13:56 > 0:14:02It's a great present! I don't use it as a toothbrush any more.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I'm not disgusting.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I just don't brush my teeth.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I don't need to, I'm too happy.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15I'm happy all of the time. I'm telling you all my secrets.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Another thing, I went away for about a month.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20About nine months ago, for a month, I went away for work.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24When I came back, my boyfriend had got my life insured.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28Oh, yeah, he'd taken out a life insurance policy on me
0:14:28 > 0:14:31and he's behaving like this is a normal thing
0:14:31 > 0:14:35people do in relationships, like it's a stage that you get to.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37"Oh, Sara, how's it going with John?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I'm like, "Oh, yes, pretty good, very serious.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42"We're at that bit where you make sure you financially benefit
0:14:42 > 0:14:45"if the other one dies." I want him to cancel it.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Also, I don't think I need it. I can't...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49I just don't think I'm going to die.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51It just doesn't feel like the kind of thing I'd do.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54It's a waste of money, I want him to cancel this direct debit.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55"Stop it, it's creepy,"
0:14:55 > 0:14:57and he's, like, being all defensive, like,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00"No, Sara, think about it - if something was to happen to you,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own,"
0:15:03 > 0:15:05right, which does sound sensible.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Callous, but sensible,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09until I tell you that we don't own a property.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12We rent a flat like everybody else.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14That mortgage is something he's getting later on
0:15:14 > 0:15:17with his winnings if something was to happen to me,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19but this is the thing about falling in love,
0:15:19 > 0:15:22which is something that obviously every single person does.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25We fall in love. We don't wait until we know everything about someone
0:15:25 > 0:15:28and then decide, "That's it, you deserve my heart."
0:15:28 > 0:15:31No, you learn a few things about someone and then you fall in love
0:15:31 > 0:15:33and then you continue to learn new things
0:15:33 > 0:15:34and some of those things are great.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37They're like cute faces and funny noises and...
0:15:37 > 0:15:38Oh, look, my boyfriend,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41he collects Nectar points like it's a computer game,
0:15:41 > 0:15:43like deadly serious, and he never spends them
0:15:43 > 0:15:46cos he thinks that Nectar points can outlast sterling as currency,
0:15:46 > 0:15:51which might not be mad, but other of the things that you find out
0:15:51 > 0:15:55are just like, "Oh, no! It's too late, I love you now!"
0:15:55 > 0:15:57My boyfriend doesn't like dogs.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58- AUDIENCE:- Ohhh...
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Thank you for that appropriate reaction.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02He doesn't like dogs, I found out about eight months in.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04He doesn't think that they're handsome
0:16:04 > 0:16:06or want to pet them and won't let me get one.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07My ambition my entire life
0:16:07 > 0:16:10has just been to work really, really hard, make enough money
0:16:10 > 0:16:13to give a dog an incredible life and that would be a life well lived
0:16:13 > 0:16:16and now, essentially, I am waiting for him to die.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23Obviously, it will be sad. It is going to be a really sad day.
0:16:23 > 0:16:30"Oh, no, the love of my life has drowned. Oh, gosh, this is..."
0:16:30 > 0:16:32But it's bittersweet, like...
0:16:34 > 0:16:35"I can get a dog now."
0:16:35 > 0:16:39So what I'm trying to say is I do understand the life insurance thing,
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I get it, it's just that money is his dogs.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44So what we're doing at the moment -
0:16:44 > 0:16:47and I find this kind of embarrassing to talk about -
0:16:47 > 0:16:50me and my boyfriend are currently, or have been for a while,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52trying to make a baby, get pregnant.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Now, I hate all of the language around this.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Essentially, all it means you're having sex without a condom on,
0:16:57 > 0:17:01like it's the '90s, but we've been trying for about 2½ years,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04which is quite a long time. It turns out that getting pregnant
0:17:04 > 0:17:06is a lot like learning a language
0:17:06 > 0:17:08in that it is much easier when you are a child.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14When I was 15, I was pregnant all the time.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I was the girl you heard about in rumours.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I got pregnant from a toilet seat.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I got pregnant from borrowing a boy's towel
0:17:22 > 0:17:24and now it's so much more difficult
0:17:24 > 0:17:27and there's all this stuff that you're supposed to do
0:17:27 > 0:17:28if you're trying to get pregnant.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31If you're the woman, you're not supposed to drink alcohol.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34If you're a woman over 30 who normally drinks every day
0:17:34 > 0:17:36and you turn up to see your friends and be like,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39"Oh, no, I'm not drinking tonight," they assume you're already pregnant.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40It's going to be awkward in three months -
0:17:40 > 0:17:43everyone's giving you knowing glances and stretchy trousers.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46It's so much easier just to go straight in, have a sambuca,
0:17:46 > 0:17:50no conversation. Also, you're not supposed to drink caffeine.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51You're not allowed to have coffee.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53How am I going to get pregnant if I'm angry or asleep?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59And I've had to buy all of these ovulation testing kits
0:17:59 > 0:18:01and they look like pregnancy tests.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03They cost nine quid each, they're so expensive
0:18:03 > 0:18:06and it looks like a pregnancy test. You take the lid off to wake it up
0:18:06 > 0:18:09and then it has a little screen in its belly, which then flashes up
0:18:09 > 0:18:11a picture of itself, like, "I can get myself pregnant.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13"What's your problem?"
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Then you have to wee on it,
0:18:15 > 0:18:17which is hard when something's that expensive.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21You have to wee on it and also for ages,
0:18:21 > 0:18:23like, much longer than you think - like, 13 minutes.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26You wee on it and then you put the lid back on.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28It's supposed to think for two minutes and then come up
0:18:28 > 0:18:30with where you are in your ovulatory cycle
0:18:30 > 0:18:32so you don't waste the one sex you have a month
0:18:32 > 0:18:35and all that happens when I've done it
0:18:35 > 0:18:37is it just comes up with a picture of a book,
0:18:37 > 0:18:38which means that I've done it wrong
0:18:38 > 0:18:40and I need to reread the instructions,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42and then I break it cos I'm angry
0:18:42 > 0:18:44and I'm sitting there holding broken bits of plastic,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46hands covered in my own piss, no trousers on, thinking,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49"Could I really keep another human alive?"
0:18:49 > 0:18:53And I have an espresso Martini to cheer myself up.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57So I've got this fun thing.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I've got polycystic ovaries or PCOS
0:18:59 > 0:19:01and that's very, very common and lots of women have it.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03What is means is that your ovaries make an egg
0:19:03 > 0:19:05and then rather than going anywhere,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07just forms a cyst to decorate you beautifully.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09What this means is you have a higher than you should have
0:19:09 > 0:19:11level of testosterone in your system,
0:19:11 > 0:19:14which does mean that you have an increased sex drive,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16but it also means that no-one will have sex with you
0:19:16 > 0:19:18because of your fine beard and moustache.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Nature is amazing!
0:19:21 > 0:19:25And this is the thing - the longer you go without having children,
0:19:25 > 0:19:28the older you get, the more people start to ask you about it
0:19:28 > 0:19:30and I'm aware they always mean really well.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32It comes from a really good place.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34My younger sisters and my friends are having kids.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36They're all having this wonderful time,
0:19:36 > 0:19:38they don't want anyone to miss out on this experience,
0:19:38 > 0:19:39but my problem with that
0:19:39 > 0:19:42is the experience they are having is subjective.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44It's personal to them.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48I have had my own wonderful personal subjective experiences,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50like I've been on QI.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55I have never, ever said to anybody, like, "Oh, have you been on QI?
0:19:57 > 0:19:59"Awww!
0:19:59 > 0:20:02"You should go on QI!
0:20:02 > 0:20:07"No, I didn't think that I wanted to be on QI until I was ON QI
0:20:07 > 0:20:09"and then it was like I looked back
0:20:09 > 0:20:14"and my entire life had been leading up to me being on QI.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17"When I saw Stephen Fry's face for the first time,
0:20:17 > 0:20:20"I was filled with so much love.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25"Yes, it's very tiring being on QI,
0:20:25 > 0:20:30"but it's so worth it and I just wouldn't want you
0:20:30 > 0:20:33"to leave it too late and they'll have stopped making it."
0:20:35 > 0:20:37This is the thing, it's true - me and my boyfriend,
0:20:37 > 0:20:41we have sex about once a month and I would like to have more of it
0:20:41 > 0:20:44and what I blame it on, I blame it on pornography.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48I think it's because pornography exists and I can't compete with it.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Now, he denies this, but he has a lockable study and in there,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55there's a computer where he could put in a couple of search terms
0:20:55 > 0:20:58and then he can watch all of these men and women
0:20:58 > 0:21:00enthusiastically pretending to like doing stuff
0:21:00 > 0:21:04that I'm not going to pretend to like doing and I'm not going to do.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06I don't like doing anything.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12I like having three things done to me very gently while I lie there.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16That's my sex style.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18I'm saying that to all of you,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20I'm warning you in case any of us ever get together.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23That's open to people of all genders.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I'm trying to have more sex with women since I found out
0:21:26 > 0:21:29lesbians are very good at the three things I like.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Oh, the thing is with pornography, I think when you start going out
0:21:33 > 0:21:35with someone, this is how I'm going to solve it -
0:21:35 > 0:21:37when you start going out with someone,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40you should be able to scan your picture into their computer
0:21:40 > 0:21:44and then whenever they look at pornography, as is their right,
0:21:44 > 0:21:48all of the banner ads have got your face on them.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Fun!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53We could customise them, like,
0:21:53 > 0:21:57"Women waiting for you to put the bins out in your area!"
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Fun!
0:22:02 > 0:22:05This is such a hack observation, it's been made so many times,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08but I do think gay people are having much better quality sex
0:22:08 > 0:22:10than straight people and it makes sense to me
0:22:10 > 0:22:14because I just think that they understand the machinery,
0:22:14 > 0:22:16the mechanics a lot more.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I think a lot of the reason that I'll be with my boyfriend
0:22:18 > 0:22:22until the end of his life in a horrible drowning accident...
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I'm just covered with dogs!
0:22:26 > 0:22:28I think a lot of the reason is I can't be bothered
0:22:28 > 0:22:30to train a new man not to hurt me.
0:22:31 > 0:22:36You know when you've fancied someone for weeks and months
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and you feel electric and alert and incredible around them
0:22:39 > 0:22:42and then you finally get to go to bed with them
0:22:42 > 0:22:45and it should be so great and it's...
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Ow!
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Ow!
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Ow! Who was your ex-girlfriend, a hole that you dug?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Just be careful!
0:22:58 > 0:23:03We're so precious, just be careful.
0:23:03 > 0:23:08I know now it sounds like I'm kind of ragging on straight men.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12I'm not. Of course it works both ways.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15I give a terrible hand job. Oh, so bad.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19I've been ashamed my entire life of the quality
0:23:19 > 0:23:21and I realise it's a form of empathy failure
0:23:21 > 0:23:23and I realise this because my friend, she's so clever
0:23:23 > 0:23:26and she was talking about misogyny, misogynists,
0:23:26 > 0:23:29and she said something so succinct. She was like, "Oh, Sara,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31"the problem with misogynists is they treat women
0:23:31 > 0:23:32"like we're broken men,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34"as if our differences mean we're flawed
0:23:34 > 0:23:36"or we're less good in some way."
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I was like, "That's it, that's everything.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39You've just described it so perfectly."
0:23:39 > 0:23:42And then I realised I've been doing the same thing
0:23:42 > 0:23:43the opposite way round.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45My entire life, I've been treating men
0:23:45 > 0:23:47like they're just very, very aggressive women
0:23:47 > 0:23:50and that if I can be calm around them
0:23:50 > 0:23:55and just move slowly, then maybe one day they'll heal.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00What this means is when I touch a man's body in a sexual way,
0:24:00 > 0:24:04I touch him how I like to be touched and I do not believe him
0:24:04 > 0:24:06when he says that that is not enjoyable.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11So this means that my technique for a hand job...
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I'll show you.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I'll just show you!
0:24:34 > 0:24:36And then I just do some round-and-rounds.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42And then I just blow it some kisses from a distance.
0:24:46 > 0:24:52And they hate it. They're like yelling out at me, like, "Grip it!
0:24:52 > 0:24:55"Grip it and move it up and down!"
0:24:55 > 0:24:57"I don't want to!
0:24:58 > 0:25:01"I don't want to make this situation any worse.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03"It already looks angry."
0:25:05 > 0:25:08I've got a tattoo. I'm not changing the subject.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I've got a tattoo that I keep hidden all of the time,
0:25:11 > 0:25:13but I will show to you.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16This tattoo ages me more than anything
0:25:16 > 0:25:18that will ever happen to my face.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I have got a Japanese symbol
0:25:21 > 0:25:23on the bottom of my spine.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26That means I was alive when the Spice Girls came out
0:25:26 > 0:25:28and I was excited.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Now, I keep it covered at all times
0:25:30 > 0:25:32and it's not cos I'm ashamed of it,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34but because if anyone ever sees it, they go,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"What's your tramp stamp mean?"
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Cos apparently we've started calling them tramp stamps
0:25:38 > 0:25:41and I don't know what kind of tramp that's referring to,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43if it's a loose woman or a vagrant man.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Either way, it's a compliment,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48but it's a difficult question to answer
0:25:48 > 0:25:51so I just say that it means "fuck me harder" in Japanese.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55It saves me a lot of time when I'm over there!
0:25:58 > 0:26:04I've never been. I really want to go to Japan and I'll tell you why.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07I was researching on the internet about how our different cultures
0:26:07 > 0:26:09respect female genitals because I can,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I've got nothing to do in the day,
0:26:11 > 0:26:13and I found out about a nightclub,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16there's only one like this in the world, it's in Japan,
0:26:16 > 0:26:19and it's on two floors and women get in for free
0:26:19 > 0:26:22if they go into the top floor if they're wearing a skirt
0:26:22 > 0:26:25with no underwear because the dance floor's see-through.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28It's made of glass and men pay a huge amount of money
0:26:28 > 0:26:31to go to the floor underneath, where they buy overpriced drinks
0:26:31 > 0:26:33and sip them, looking upwards at women on the dance floor.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Now, I was describing this the next day to my friend
0:26:36 > 0:26:38cos I thought I was going to get some material out of this.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I was planning to do a routine about how maybe women
0:26:41 > 0:26:44don't want to rise above the glass ceiling
0:26:44 > 0:26:46if we have to dance with our fannies out.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Yeah, so I thought I could do this feminist light-hearted thing
0:26:49 > 0:26:52so I was describing it to my friend and I didn't even get through it
0:26:52 > 0:26:54cos she kind of covered her eyes and was like...
0:26:54 > 0:26:57And I was like, "Oh, no, no, don't get upset, don't get angry.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59"I can't work out if the men who go there...
0:26:59 > 0:27:01"I don't know if they are disgusting creeps,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04"but maybe there could be something beautiful going on
0:27:04 > 0:27:06"cos they are, after all, just admiring the female form,"
0:27:06 > 0:27:10and then she was like, "Oh, no, that isn't even what I was thinking.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13"I was just thinking that you could not do that the other way round
0:27:13 > 0:27:16"cos you'd keep thinking people were waving at you."
0:27:18 > 0:27:21And now that's what I think about whenever I'm sad.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Whenever I need cheering up... You know, you're a Western world person.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26You don't have any right to be sad about anything, ever.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I just imagine that I look upwards
0:27:28 > 0:27:32and there's an entire dance floor full of men
0:27:32 > 0:27:36and they've got no trousers or pants on and they're just dancing.
0:27:36 > 0:27:41They're just really going for it to Taylor Swift - Shake It Off
0:27:41 > 0:27:45and I'm just waving, just waving back at them.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48"The world is full of pain and death is meaningless,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51"but it's all going to be OK. How do we know?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53"Because Sara Pascoe told us
0:27:53 > 0:27:56"just before we gave her a big round of applause."
0:27:56 > 0:27:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:00SHE MOUTHS
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Thank you so much for having me. Good night, bye-bye!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Thank you so much, bye-bye!